Note: Today’s Nooner is being written immediately after purchasing Grand Theft Auto IV for Xbox 360. It is sitting unopened on my coffee table right now, and yet here I am, 100% focused on writing, not thinking about Grand Theft Auto IV at all.
My greatest regret isn’t a girl that got away, skipping my high school prom, or not getting to say goodbye to a loved one before they passed away. It isn’t running away from a problem, missing a career opportunity, or getting that tattoo of the kanji symbol for “two-car garage” that the tattoo guy told me meant “strength.” Yes, I’ve done all of those things, and sure, not a moment goes by that I’m not ashamed of every single one of them, but that’s all eclipsed by my greatest regret:
Why the fuck didn’t I commit more crimes when I was young enough to get away with it?
Sure, I broke some bottles and lit some fires when I was younger, and yeah, one time in junior high we stole my friend’s mom’s car (it wasn’t our fault - “Welcome To The Jungle” came on the radio and we got all pumped up), but we only made like two houses down an alley before we crashed into some rubber garbage cans at about 5 mph, and then we ran away and hid until the cops came. On a scale of one to “cool” that ranks somewhere between a two and a “suck.”
Why didn’t we go on a crazy crosstown rampage like this kid did? Maybe we were better behaved, more respectful and fearful of authority. Or maybe, just maybe, it was because this was the pre-Grand Theft Auto era and we just didn’t know how. Not that a rampage in GTA involving two mailboxes and two parked cars would be very impressive, but for a real life 7-year-old? That’s nothing to shake a stick at - particularly considering he couldn’t even see over the steering wheel.
Come to think of it, this might just be some crazy viral advertisement for GTA IV or something. One that, based on my ability to focus intently on writing this Nooner without thinking about GTA IV, is clearly having no effect on me. Which reminds me - I have to go now for a completely unrelated reason.
Last 5 posts by Ross Wolinsky
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June 20th, 2008 at 10:36 pm
You know, that kid does deserve to have his ass beat, but on the other hand, how much street cred is that worth? He’s a lil chubby badass.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:36 pm
@ Kingmonkey
I thought that went without saying.
May 1st, 2008 at 11:16 am
[...] knew I could come up with some hilarious zingers about the fat kid exercising, but I already made fun of a child yesterday. I’m pretty sure that at some point you’re supposed to stop making fun of children, [...]
May 1st, 2008 at 8:49 am
That kid needs his ass beaten. He doesn’t even show a hint of remorse for what he did. He’s happy about it. Watch out for that kid because he’ll be drinking by 10, doing drugs by 12, and I bet he kills an animal at 13 and a human at 16.
May 1st, 2008 at 7:25 am
Andy, you forgot to mention that you pity the man he one day will marry, and that he is what’s wrong with America.
Get with it, man!
April 30th, 2008 at 11:36 pm
That kid makes a compelling argument for the reintroduction of the old Roman form of disipline.
Cutting kids heels and leaving them on the side of a mountainside to die of exposure.
April 30th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Wow. This shows how badly video games can influence small children. At least when he grows up he can just be put in a jail cell. “It’s funny to do bad things.” I pity you, future citizens of America.
April 30th, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Damn. I mean damn! Yeah, that little shit should be put in a sound-proof room with Grandma for about 30 minutes. And if this wasn’t enough of a reality slap, then his mom needs a smack upside the head too.
* My son lost all video game privileges, including use of the brand new Nintendo DS he got for Christmas, for a MONTH. Why? Because he turned in a term paper 2 days late.
* I got home from work and found both of my latchkey children playing in the yard with one of the neighborhood kids. The rule is “no friends over when I’m at work”. They’d rationlized that I meant “no friends indoors…”. Grounded to their rooms, with no electronics, for the first week of summer. They could read, draw, clean or do nothing. My son actually opted to clean his room. He was glad for something to do.
Sorry this post wasn’t clever or funny, but DAAAAMN, if he were mine…screw DSS, they’d be welcome to that punk AFTER the beatdown I’d give him.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:32 pm
That kid kid needs his ass kicked and I would like to offer my services.
I have extensive experience starting and finishing fist fights with kids ages 3-10. I have beaten the shit out of 30-40 young children, and could take fatty fat-fat out pretty easily.
Please call me for a free estimate and demonstration.
April 30th, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Okay, at first I didn’t believe what I heard. Or thought I heard?
The reporter asks “well did you know you could kill someone”
and the kid replies “Yes, but I wanted to do “hoodrat stuff for my friend”"
Let the kid off, he was just trying to do hoodrat stuff for his cigarette smoking friend.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:33 pm
My god, he’s a successful and attractive African-American.
April 30th, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Back in my day, you had to walk three miles in six feet of snow, uphill both ways just to GET the chance to go on a vehicular rampage! Not to mention, the “vehicles” were tortoise with learning disabilities that liked to bite! Get off my lawn!
April 30th, 2008 at 5:30 pm
it’s good to see he’s helping the black sterotype. he should be proud!
April 30th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
I do hope that the clip went silent after “Can my mom help her?” because the cop began explaining what’s wrong with that little shit.
That kid is so fat ass, the car probably just went downhill on “N” and carried on rollling because of the chubby munchkins weight. And if we listen to Jer, we could make two or three 7-year olds over here.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
I sincerely hope that as soon as those cameras turn off and the police decide it’s okay to leave, grandma takes a melon baller and fucking waxes that little kid’s face.
If I don’t see brains scooped out in that baller, I’m gonna be extra pissed.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
@ joebob HELL YES. If I’d been one of those cops when the grandmama said the she was afraid that she would go to jail if she whupped that boy’s ass, I would have said “OH no ma’am don’t worry this one’s on us , here want to use my belt?”
I think that boy just took the car to go find him a cookie anyway.
@ Crazycracker Yes, thank you, that’s exactly the kind of attitude I want my future son in law to have.
April 30th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
you’re telling me it’s illegal to kung-fu kick that shitty little shit’s teeth into next month? what kind of bass-ackward country is this?!
April 30th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Some kids really should just be recycled. Throw them in some acid, pick out the bones, do a voodoo ritual to create a new one, and start fresh. Y’know?
April 30th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
@ joebob: That would be SO AWESOME!!
@ glendoor42: I think we just found your car-wrecking daughter’s future husband
April 30th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Why should cracked-personell have to buy their own copies when they’ve been whoring for GTA4 all week? I’m appaled by the appearant lack of swag in the elite-blogosphere! You need a fresh strike… What union are you guys in?
April 30th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Prison? Punching? No video games for a whole weekend? The proper thing to do is to have the grandmother follow her instincts. The kid needs to get his behind whipped. Right there. On TV. So all his friends can see.
April 30th, 2008 at 12:45 pm
Man I don’t know about you, but I ENVY this kid, I’m with you RW. We just didn’t know this was within the realm of possibility, and now I’ll never know what it’s like to rampage this small town unless I stop taking the pills……..
April 30th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
You know what’s a really good way to teach a kid that the bad thing he did was really unacceptable? Put him on fucking television. Yeah, send around lots of media and reporters to ask him questions and take video of him, and set aside two full minutes of news coverage to talk about the incredible thing he did. He’ll never do anything like that again any time soon, I’m sure.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:27 am
I think the grandmother should just go ahead and cold cock the little son of a bitch, but that’s just me.
April 30th, 2008 at 11:09 am
After watching that little fucker talk on the video, I think they should skip the preliminaries and just put his ass in prison for the rest of his life. It’d save the court costs he’s inevitably gonna rack up later on and maybe some lives as well. Of course, it’s hard to blame him. If my mom named me “LaTerion?” I’d be a sociopath too.