As a special feature, there will be rare panels that have been left untouched! Look for the “Classic, Untouched Wonder Woman Line” seal to know that what you’re reading is printed the way Wonder Woman intended.

You can learn a lot about sex in a used book store. For example, and since I can’t resist, you get fewer paper cuts when you fuck non-fiction. Back to what I was saying, and I apologize for the last sentence, I’ve collected five books that each represent a different culture or religion’s sex life. These five books will be read by me and then entered into the Great 2009 Literary Sex Off, an academic sex contest held every 2009 years.

Represented by the book: Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning, 1991
This book contains all the erotic secrets of the Catholic Church. Like you, I thought this would be things like how to dissolve roofies into a sno-cone when an altar boy is too fast to grab and too smart to take the pills you throw at him. But it’s actually much stranger than that. It’s an exhaustive list of the thousands of circumstances that need to be met before God will allow sex. This line summed it up pretty well:

“As we have stated several times in this document, we believe that it is only within a heterosexual marital relationship that genital sexual activity is morally acceptable.”

Genital sexual activity? That’s so unnecessarily specific that it’s almost challenging horny followers to find a loophole. It’s like giving readers a puzzle they can only solve with their fingers, mouths, and assholes. Fact: tennis elbow, indian burns, propulsive gait, and the figure-four-leglock were all discovered by two unmarried Catholics trying to stay religiously legal during their intimacy.

Erotistration Rating: 0
There isn’t a single drawing in this entire book. I guess with chapter titles like, “Human Sexuality: A Catholic Perspective for Education and Lifelong Learning Chapter 4: Special Groups and Sexual Issues, Moral Discernment and Pastoral Care,” there isn’t a whole lot of room for pictures. Plus, I think Catholics have to be married to a pencil for seven years before they’re allowed to draw a nipple.

Safety Rating: 1
Here’s an excerpt: “In keeping with our abiding respect for the inherent procreative meaning of sexual intercourse, it is a teaching of the Catholic Church that one ought to space it “naturally,” that is, taking into account the biological ebb and flow of the woman’s fertility cycle.”

This book makes it clear that if you’re using a contraceptive, you might as well be doing so from inside a warlock. Condoms are like putting a plastic bag over the head of God’s love and birth control pills are so evil that if you give one to a goat, the beast will curse in the tongue of man. So in order to prevent babies, Catholics use the Rhythm Method. It’s where you fill a woman’s reproductive system with sperm and hope that millions of years of evolution aren’t watching. Step one in being a good Catholic is making sure your ovaries can beat God in a battle of wits.

Represented by the book: The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, 1998
Due to my love of comedy, I never read a book about regular people having sex. The closest I could come was The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. To say it’s exactly what it sounds like isn’t doing its ultimateness justice. Everything you’ve ever wanted to know is in this book, which is why I wrote this short but ultimate one-sentence guide to reading it: You don’t want to know 125% of the details involving anal sex.

Here, I can sum it up with this understatement from Anal Fisting: How To’s: “There is going to be some mess, so you should have lots of paper towels on hand.” Cherish that– a carpet cleaner and two garbage men died bringing you that knowledge. This book is so gross you won’t even want things coming out of your ass.

Illustration Rating: Negative Used Butt Towel.
If there was a rating I could give the book worse than a 0, I would. And since I’m making the rules, I can. It gets the rating of Negative Used Butt Towel, the lowest number in the world. You want a drawing of a fat woman getting an amateur colonoscopy from a caveman? Check. How about a beatnik wearing only combat boots and anal beads? Yes. I can’t tell if it’s a magic book showing the reader personalized images of his or her own hell, or if someone was playing MADLibs at the same time they were drawing butt sex. All I know is that you’ll have an easier time getting aroused by the interior view of the anorectal anatomy, thankfully included.

Safety Rating: 7
After reading this guide, I feel vaguely qualified to perform any medical or sexual procedure on a human butt. That is if my patients or lovers can look past the solid, steady scream I’ve been letting out since I first opened this book.

Represented by the book: Growth and Intimacy for Gay Men: A Workbook, 1997
I knew I wanted to represent the homosexual community in this battle of the books, but the used bookstore was suspiciously out of gay pornography. I was about to give up and just represent them with a Maxim magazine, but this book suddenly caught my eye. It’s a workbook that damaged gay people can use to put their lives back together. And as fate would have it, it’s been used.

I know so much about this book’s previous owner. As you can see from his highlights above, he took a special interest in the “Merging” stage of relationships, and couldn’t give a damn about “Learning to live in harmony.” He does this for the whole book. If there’s a line about sex, he highlights it. If there’s a section on different techniques to get your lover to shut the fuck up, it’s lit up like a Cher gown under stage lights. I don’t want to sound gay, but I really like this guy.

Illustration Rating: Twenty five question marks.

The only illustrations in the book are complicated flow charts so the gay reader can create genealogy trees. However, since these are homosexual trees, they’re mostly about gossip instead of genetics. I’m not making that up. The author has filled in all the boxes with things like “Alcoholic” and “Probably Gay.” And get this, Julie and Rick’s daughter Sarah has “Abortion 1981 Depressed On Medication In Therapy” by her name. And under that: “Sexually provocative.” Roowr! The claws are out, girlfriend!

“Dear Family Tree: Can you believe what Stan was wearing when he impregnated my great-grandmother? HellOOO?!?! It’s the 19th century, not the Country Music Awards!”

Safety Rating: 9
If a man with this book ever chooses to have relations with another man, there are 25 questionaires to help him prepare for it, and 35 worksheets to deal with the emotional aftermath. You literally could not have a safer sex life unless you were humping a pillow with a Ph.D in psychology. It was a welcome change from the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women which spent five chapters dispelling the myth that it’s unsafe to jump ass-first onto a juicer.

Represented by the book: Dating and Other Frightening Experiences, 1979
This book is mainly about resisting temptations. Unfortunately, it seems like the author has been doing that for too long and every page is heaving with desperate sexually charged analogies. This guy is so backed up that he has to sleep in an oil rig to catch his night discharge. The following is a passage that will change the way you look at flowers forever:

“Girls, you will never walk into any garden and see any self-respecting flower chasing the bees. Picture that. They won’t do it. They know enough to stay right where they’re planted, and they blossom, and have a sweet fragrance that comes from within. The bees will come to them. Oh my, how they’ll come.“

Yikes. Sounds like someone chased that bee metaphor all the way to orgasm.

Illustration Rating: 9
Mormons seem to resist a lot of their temptations on The Porch. At first I thought this meant that Mormons like to make out on the front porch so passing motorists can celebrate their journey to second base together. But as you can see from this illustration, The Porch is an actual monster that sneaks up on you while you do it.

As I hinted at earlier, Mormons have sex through a hole in a complicated series of metaphors, so I’m not sure how to interpret this picture. Is that evil door simply where The Porch Monster keeps its mouth and eyes, or is that the girl’s father pressing his face up against the screen door? Either way, it makes no sense why I’m masturbating. Oh god, I’m a bee! I’M A BEEEEE!!!!

Safety Rating: 1
Let’s strip away all the flowery language for a second and get real: Mormons copulate publicly on the body of a fanged monster. That’s some Conan shit to do by anyone’s standards. If you ever wondered why Mormon porches always smell like the insides of virgins, now you know.

Represented by the book: The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability, 2003
This book is 334 pages of sexual tips for every type of affliction known to man. If you have arthritis, they’ll tell you where to buy some vibrating mittens. If you’re mostly in a jar, they’ll drop a pickle in you. The problem is, they spread themselves so thin that no single affliction really gets much attention. Just look at these tips on Sex With Ourselves.

There’s not one piece of usable advice in that! If I really was a guy with no arms or legs, I want only one answer from the chapter on masturbation– will a masturbation robot try to kill a masturbation monkey? Instead I get this philosophical redefinition of the term. How does this semantic fruit looping help anyone? “Why, if you believe in your heart, anything can be masturbation! See that sunset? That’s masturbation! A low flying aircraft? Masturbation. An aircraft that’s… that’s coming right at us! We’re all going to die! Shit– really masturbate!”

Illustration Rating: 0
There are only six illustrations in the entire book. Three are diagrams of how to have sex without rupturing colostomy bags, one is a collection of kegel devices, one is anal beads, and one is Satan’s own dildo collection (pictured). If I didn’t know better, I’d say this is a prank by the handicapped to punk my eyeballs. Well, round one goes to them. Or “us,” if you count that I’m now blind.

Safety Rating: 10
The one thing this book has going for it is safety procedures. Before giving any instructions, the authors carefully assume the worst about you. You’re a morbidly obese torso, but they can’t show you how to build a tension-powered dildo rigging because they’re sensitive to your crippling fear of pulleys. And since your skin is made out of dog food, swinging you around would just waft your scent into the hound-filled night. And that would be insane.

So after reading all of these manuals on how to turn sex into a disgusting and unsafe battle against porches and God, I’d have to say the winner is…

I don’t know about you, but if I was fighting in a shitty war, I sure would feel better if someone put together the Craked.com in Association with Captain Freedom and Presented by Me For-The-Troops YouTube Classic Theater. Wait a minute: holy shit:

You can learn a lot from YouTube. For example, I learned that when our God was giving the Iraqi people hand-eye-coordination, he took inspiration from three cats tied to a vacuum cleaner.

I’ve never meant this more: “Nice jumping jacks, assholes!” So now that you and the troops have had a nice laugh at the expense of others, let’s move on to change absolutely nothing. Below is more laughter at the expense of others. We’re Americans, not some kind of changey homunists. If we change anything, it’s going to be the gravy in the center of our hot dogs and the medical duration of our erections. Put that in your turban and smoke it, Iraq. While you’ve been over there getting occupied and learning how to move your arms and legs at the same time, we’ve been hard this whole time.

Name: Flap Birdo, International Superstar of Failure
Real Name: Furthest Guy on the Right
Technique: Flap knows that this “jumping jack” the American troops speak of has something to do with jumping. His brain relays this message to his limbs, and each of them violently interprets it differently. If I was an anthropologist, I’d say he was panicking and that this was an ancient biological defense to dismember yourself and explode your body on your enemy as a final revenge. But since I’m not an anthropologist, I’ll say that this guy is so uncoordinated that he can’t piss his pants without a funnel.

Name: Clappy “The Seal” Ahmdghudj
Real Name: Second Guy from the Right
Technique: “The Seal” saw that clapping was involved in this exercise. But he didn’t have a word for it. In a country whose leading cultural export is mustard gas and lamb sex, there’s not a lot of opportunities for clapping. If someone died every time an Iraqi person applauded, it would kill fewer people than vitamins. “The Seal” is really making up for lost time, though. He’s clapping in front of his chest, over his head… where has this clapping been his whole life!? It’s like someone taught a monkey where its genitals were, but without all the elegance.

Name: Princess Ballet
Real Name: The Third One from the Right
Technique: Forming a circle with his arms and clumsily plie’ing, Princess Ballet creates a beautiful song about his body’s inability to do the simplest of tasks. This is so far from a jumping jack that if you told me this was a robot trying to make ice cream inside itself, I’d thank you for making sense of it. And then we’d kill it together, as ice cream-filled friends. Wait, now that I think about it, all these guys look like malfunctioning robots. Are they working out on an Iraqi Showtime Pizza burial ground?

Name: Rocket Virginbuster
Real Name: That is his real name.
Technique: When a white guy does a jumping jack, he’s all, “I’m effectively doing a jumping jack.” When an Iraqi does a jumping jack, he’s like, “I’m an idiot, motherfucker!”

Name: Chuck Chasewagon
Real Name: Parts Unknown
Technique: Whenever an Iraqi is asked to perform a physical action, they respond with a flipper-handed seizure. And under Iraqi law–or as we know it “Thunderdome”–it’s legal for every household to own an assault rifle. Those two things don’t go together. They have to have 50 goats in the house just to soak up all the accidental bullets. Growing up in Iraq is like growing up as a stop sign in Arkansas. When the Iraqi family gets together for dinner, they don’t talk about how your day was. They talk about which one of those bullet wounds is fresh, because we just had these carpets painted! You’re the reason we can’t have nice things, like this VCD copy of Hǎtch, the Turkish remake of Hitch featuring Miami Vice and Han Solo.

Name: Tap Razzmatazz
Real Name: Sixth Fellow from the Right
Technique: Remember that episode of the Cosby Show where Bill Cosby is challenged to tapdance? Well, that previous sentence is exactly what “jumping jack” translates to in Arabic.

Name: Swandive
Real Name: Saul Swandivenstein
Technique: While every other Iraqi guy is throwing themselves into the air like retarded human popcorn, Swandive carefully puts his hands together and slides them straight up. It’s just as wrong, but with less effort. This guy sucks so hard at jumping jacks that when he’s done with his workout, he has an egg, three gallons of milk and semen in his stomach.

Name: Impossible Achmed
Real Name: Eighth from the Right
Technique: This Iraqi was doing nearly perfect jumping jacks, which any scientist will tell you must be a hallucination. It’s so impossible that when most people watch it, a portal opens next to them and a future version of themselves screams, “I’m too late!” Let’s look at the facts: Being Iraqi and doing a jumping jack is like being American and transforming into a dinosaur boat. The fact that he can do this does nothing less than prove genies. We now know that magical men live in lamps and can grant wishes. And if anyone ever manages to produce a more reasonable theory, don’t trust that guy. He clearly has a fucking genie.

Name: Scimitar Napmaster
Real Name: Ninth from the Right
Technique: When Napmaster realizes that he’s doing something wrong, he gently keeps his feet planted and makes rings with his arms. I’ve gotten better workouts waving goodbye to the pizza delivery man. If this is the Iraqi idea of physical fitness, is it any wonder that these guys’ heads pop off when you hang them? Slam! Oh my god, if Saddam still had a head, that burn would have backdrafted his whole face off!

Note: Much like the people who start these wars, you never know how much you should believe YouTube. We’ll let historians work out whether or not this too-insane-to-be-real video is actually too insane to be real. Because even if the world was tricked by an elaborate jumping jack hoax, the people who managed to convince a platoon of soldiers to line up and do jumping jacks wrong still deserve the Silver Star of Morale Soaring Hilarity. If anyone has any proof that this video was created by professional military jumping jack impersonators, here’s what you do: keep it to yourself and hold this can of peanuts. The last thing our troops need right now is to find out the Internet was lying from some butthole holding a can of snakes. That’s right, you’re not as hard to trick as you thought, butthole.

#7. Kids on Children Shows

Any actor on a kid’s show that isn’t dressed as an alien or a bear is a complete idiot. They run into streets, they drink bleach, and if a stranger says he has a cookie in his pants, they’ll sprain their wrists grabbing for it. And all of these horrible things remind nearby creatures of songs. Do you realize that there’s an entire generation of children whose first interaction with education is watching traffic accidents and handjobs get interrupted by rapping dinosaurs? Good luck, Future.

Why They’re So Stupid:
Besides basic safety procedures, most puppets only know songs about the alphabet. If you’re over the age of three, hearing that all day is just going to make you dumber.

#6. Airport Security Guards

When you apply for a job as an airport screener, you are shown a jar containing three jelly beans and asked to guess how many are inside. If you guess correctly, you are placed in a holding cell and tortured until you give up the bomb’s location (nice try, Muhammad). If you guess incorrectly, you are given a coupon for a free hug. If you throw the jar of jelly beans into a wall safe and scream for everyone to clear the airport, you are immediately hired.

You’re only allowed to bring three ounces of liquid on a plane. Kind of. You might have a four-ounce bottle of toothpaste that’s almost empty, but airport security guards are so stupid they’re not allowed to do that kind of math. This is a problem, but I have an idea. Since we don’t have enough money to hire dentists to inspect everyone’s toothpaste, we should put a chimpanzee at each checkpoint. Then, every passenger gets to select two items from their bags to carry into battle against the chimp. This will not only quickly identify each commuter’s two best weapons, but if they choose toothpaste, hold on, there’s something up with this guy’s toothpaste.

Why They’re So Stupid:
The idea is to make them so dumb that they’re impossible to trick. But man they’re going to look like geniuses when the first old lady tries to drive a jetliner into the Statue of Liberty and her plan falls apart because her mouthwash wasn’t in her carry-on.

#5. Cops in Sci-Fi Movies

As a rule, people in movies haven’t ever seen a movie. They’re not equipped to deal with anything strange. Now, if you or I saw a naked man drop through a hole in reality and walk through 50 bullets to put his fist through our stomach, we’d die knowing that we’ve made a robot from the future very happy. A guy in a movie, though, he has no idea what happened. He’ll use his dying words to argue how robots don’t exist, and even if they did, they wouldn’t be able to smile!

As slow as people are to accept that they’re dealing with the supernatural, cops are always the last ones to catch on. They can watch the Blob dissolve through a kindergarten and suggest out loud that they must have drank too much this morning. No matter what, a cop in a science fiction movie uses drugs as the explanation for everything. Did a dead body get up and eat the coroner? “PCP.” Did a viking frost giant knock down a skyscraper? “Stack of PCP abusers.” Did Star Man bring a dead deer back to life? “That’s just what gay sex looks like when you see it for the first time.”

We know that werewolves are impossible, officer. But after you see one doing a handstand on a moving van and leading their team to the state finals, it gets to a point where “werewolves” are a less ridiculous explanation than “Armenian drug users learning to talk and play basketball.”

Why They’re So Stupid:
If police were allowed to believe in the supernatural, they would be shooting people all day long. Meth addicts would be shot as goblins. People lined up for Twilight would be gunned down as vampires. And like I mentioned before, gay prostitutes performing deer necromancy would be… actually, I think they already shoot you for that.

#4. Fat People Near Trapdoors

The seventh law of thermodynamics is that every time a fat person gets near a trapdoor, they fall in. It’s the closest thing we have to scientific proof of God.

Why They’re So Stupid:
According to my research, rumors of underground pizza trees started in 1982 made not falling into trapdoors completely obsolete in the fat person community. If that’s a coincidence, I’ve completely wasted this encyclopedia set.

#3. Healthcare Practitioners

To avoid any subjectiveness on this author’s part, I wanted one of these to be fully scientific. So I went on FutureProofYourCareer.com and took an extensive online quiz that tested my aptitude and personality traits to decide the perfect career for me. This was a quiz I was determined to fail.

I gave myself the lowest possible scores in all aspects of human ability. Then I answered all the personality questions like a schizophrenic. If I was able to contradict myself at any time, I did. As far as this quiz knows, I can’t do math or stack objects, I’ve killed several drifters and I did great in math class while working as an object stacker. I’d like to think that by the time I finished, a computer somewhere was screaming and shooting itself in the mouth. Unrelated to this article, that image is also what I was thinking about every time I slept with you, ex-girlfriends.

So now that this computer brain knows I can’t do anything right, and the property damage from me trying would be unacceptable, it suggested my primary field of study: healthcare practitioner. This seemed strange. Maybe because giving myself the lowest possible scores in everything proved I was honest enough to tell someone they have cancer without fucking with them, yet incompetent enough to have that turn out to be wrong. That’s win/win for everybody.

Why They’re So Stupid:
Don’t ask me. It’s simple science.

#2. Pro Wrestling Referees

These people have made a career out of looking at the wrong thing. If the Love Buddies are in a tag match against the Murder Cheaters, you can be sure that the ref will spend the whole time screaming at the Love Buddy outside the ring while all manner of inhumanity is being done to the one behind him. I looked up logic in my encyclopedia. Even by 1982 standards, that doesn’t make any sense! If you hired a pro wrestling referee to babysit, he would warn the house plant in the corner not to cheat while your two cats killed your baby behind him.

Why They’re So Stupid:
No matter how obvious the crime scene, the ref can’t ever piece together the story after he turns back around. If he sees two burping cats and half an infant, all he knows is that these cats win! Shrug! As soon as you get home, he’ll present you with the new tag team champions and go home thinking it was a job well done.

#1. Best Buy Employees

Have you ever had a Best Buy employee interrupt your conversation with the question, “Are you guys finding everything OK?” It happens to me five times a visit. And maybe it’s just me but when I’m shopping for DVDs in a row of alphabetized DVDs, asking me if I’m finding everything OK is a lot like asking me if I’m currently shitting into a diaper.

I’ve never found an answer that makes them go away, either. If I say “Yes,” they usually read off the titles of whatever DVDs I’m holding until they’re satisfied that we’re best video buddies. If I say, “Thank God you’re here! Can you tell me what letter Hitch begins with?” they look at me like I asked them if they’re currently shitting into a diaper. Which is often my follow up.

Why They’re So Stupid:
I imagine some of them start with healthy and active minds. Then they try to explain HD to an elderly customer while the 300 screens near them start playing Bolt again from the beginning. The human brain has one of several choices at a time like that, and they’re all suicide.

My first thought was, “Duh.” My second thought was, “Not only does Maxim still exist, they have enough money to passive aggressively tell millions of people to fuck themselves!” I decided I wanted to get in on that kind of success, so I put together my own men’s magazine: Tits for Men. It sucks, but so will the endangered species I buy to put on the end of my dick! Below are some of the page proofs from the launch issue.

Manimal

The lack of barrier between us and space has created what I and probably future scientists call the “Manimal Sphere.” This is the expanding area of the universe that Earth is filling with Manimal broadcasts. Manimal is a show about a man who can turn into animals that first aired in 1983, which means that right now there is a wall of half-man/half-animal 153,000,000,000,000 miles away from us in every direction, and it’s traveling at the speed of light. If that didn’t just explode your brain, tell your brain to quit being a fucking idiot and explode.

In the grand scheme of things, the “Manimal Sphere” isn’t very big. In fact, using Christian math, that’s more like 28– barely the distance to Iowa. The point is, we’ll be long dead before that hits any star systems with cable. But if you’re a couple of outer space cow rapists and you fly through a Manimal brodcast wave, it’s probably going to get you thinking.

Independence Day

Ignore how the Fresh Prince of Bel Air can beat your deadliest star pilots in combat, or how Judd Hirsch can outwit your mothership’s software network. When you aliens are watching Independence Day, I hope what you really take away from it is this: Randy Quaid can kill you. That’s not good news, space monsters. Randy Quaid isn’t our best human. Here on Earth, we make Randy Quaid wear a helmet when he tries to think. Of Mice and Men was actually a Randy Quaid reality show. When a casting director can’t get an orangutan for a part, they call Randy Quaid, and they have to use a special summoning horn to do it because Randy Quaid eats anything that rings. Randy Quaid once farted from April of 1991 to November of 1993. The point is, if he can stop your space invasion, you are fucked. Randy Quaid thinks anything with more than three letters is a suppository.

I realize a lot of my intergalactic communication theories revolve around the idea that all aliens are like the ones in Galaxy Quest that can’t tell the difference between fantasy and documentary. But let’s not be stupid– aliens have no idea what’s going on. They come to a planet with Google, and their idea of research is jamming tubes up a hillbilly. They’re either morons or completely made up. But like I said before, let’s not be stupid.

E.T. The Extraterrestrial

When E.T. came here, all he wanted to do is eat candy and cure the sick. And we said good luck with that when you’re dead, you filthy alien. Here on Earth, we don’t care if you’re adorable or benevolent. If you create a magical friendship bond with a young boy, we’ll put you in separate rooms and kill Santa in front of him just to see if his sadness can pass through walls.

We will cut you open because learning how your stupid space liver processes Reese’s Pieces is more important to us than your gurgling talking noises or the suburban family that fell in love with you. Our worst doctors will mutilate your body, cover it up and release chunks of you into the retail market as Velcro. We’ve done it before. If you truly wanted to be a friend to the Earthlings, you should have thought about that before you were born in filthy outer space.

Battlefield Earth

This movie is way too bad to be an accident. It was created to send a clear message to outer space: You suck. Say what you want about Scientologists, but they are better than anyone at making aliens look like assholes.

Let’s look at the facts. In this movie, aliens came here with their technologically advanced warships and wiped out our planet’s jet fighters in nine minutes. Pretty logical so far, right aliens? But as Battlefield Earth explains, 1000 years later, a few cavemen dust off those ancient jet fighters and kill your John Travolta and his entire family. Humans don’t give a fuck about your alien space logic.

We’re so goddamn stupid that we don’t even know what can’t be done. Do you know what happens when you let jet fuel sit stagnant for 1000 years, alien? We don’t. In fact, we think we’re fags for even asking something so sciencey, but look at who’s dead. You.

War of the Worlds

In War of the Worlds, we lose for 89 minutes and then all the aliens die because of Earth germs. Aliens are dumbasses. Even after we saw E.T. heal us, we knew to put on biohazard suits before we tried to kill him. And these War of the Worlds aliens fly down here in their giant tripods and vaporize entire urban centers with their windows down. Hey, squid people of Mars or wherever, what did you think would happen when you inhaled the dust of 2,000,000 corpses and 60,000 dumpsters? That’s on you. It’s not like we were throwing smallpox Snuggies into your teepees.

Humans are disgusting. We’ll have sex with anything. Every day, an Earth doctor pulls an octopus or a light bulb out of someone that was put it there on purpose. Captain Kirk boned things that didn’t even have holes until he met them. And this article itself is probably next to an ad featuring a flashlight that you can fuck. Seriously, come visit, aliens. See what happens.

1. Surviving a _________ is impossible if you’re a chair or a fish tank.

A. fat person
B. SCUBA suit filled with termites
C. bar fight
D. shark with chair cancer

If you answered any or all of them, you’re right and AWESOME. However, we’re going to focus on the one we can solve: C, bar fights. Sorry fat people, the pizza wizard is your enemy. He will not solve you.

Bar fights are started when beer is applied to douches or sexual frustration. They are ended with karate. You’re about to learn everything in between. I’ve scoured book stores for the finest literature and DVD sets to unlock the secrets of the drunken Orient, and now every time I have a beer 17 people die.

Bar Fight Self Defense
by Scott Rogers
Scott Rogers is a martial artist with just enough of a New York accent to always sound like he’s kidding. His video set explains how to defend against every bar weapon, including pool cues, karate chops, knives and guns. Let’s go through the Scott Rogers process:

1. Bar Training in the Gym.
Scott uses a guy named Mike to demonstrate most of his moves. Now, when a martial arts teacher pretends to punch you, it’s polite to gently go “arrgh” as if it hurt you.* Mike is very good at this. He even makes different sound effects depending on where Scott pretends to hit him. Filming a karate video is exactly like being seven-years old except for one difference: I’ve seen seven-year-olds win fights.

* Fighting Fact! In the combat community, to not react to an imaginary punch at all is seen as a sign of aggression. For example, if you ever throw a fake punch at Hulk Hogan and it appears to have no effect, he’s about to fucking destroy you.

During the gym parts of the DVD, I started to wonder if I was supposed to be drunk when I’m at the dojo training for bar fights. But that seemed like the kind of thing someone would wonder right before Scott Rogers called them a fag and rammed a pint glass into their heart, so I had a beer and started thinking about what tits would look like if they didn’t have shirts on.

All bullshit aside, Mike is lucky to be alive. If you were struck by a real Scott Rogers punch or kick you would fly through a you-shaped hole in the cement wall behind you, leaving behind only a platter of meat that restores Scott Rogers’s energy.

2. Drunken Improv Karate Theater or DIKT.
After pantomiming how to murder Mike for 15 minutes, the next step is going to a bar set and putting on little plays to show how the moves work. After seeing several of the scenarios he comes up with, I get the idea that everyone who has ever met Scott Rogers has attacked him.

His bar fight scenarios seem to come out of nowhere. It’s never anything like “You spilled my drink!” or “You were a guy in a dress this whole time!?” Instead they all seem to start with, “Hi, I’m Scott Rogers. In this scenario, you walk into a bar and you look like me. Every person who sees your face feels a desperate need deep inside them to approach it and kill it with anything they’re holding. Here’s how to fend them off with a torch on the end of a grappling hook. Mike will play the part of Yoda, and everything that isn’t the couch is lava.”

3. Reviewing or R.
In this part of the video, Scott goes through all the moves from his bar fight theater in detail. He might explain how when Mike came at him with a knife, he countered by jamming a pool cue into his neck, then grabbing it in the center so he could use both ends of the pool cue to batter him. Oh, he should have mentioned this earlier, but steps one through seven of winning a bar fight are being Darth Maul.

Caution: Scott’s 2298-0 record in no-contact bouts against Mike has made him more jungle cat than man. For you, it takes a bit of time for your eyeballs to tell your brain about the incoming knife, cross reference its knife files with its karate files and then tell your hands to start twirling a pool cue. For Scott Rogers, he has time to change out of his good shoes, kick a pen up your dick hole and repair a falling VCR.

For the rest of us, the idea of stopping a knife swing by hitting a moving Adam’s apple with the end of a pool cue after even one beer is so ludicrous that Scott might as well ask us to throw a fireball at our attacker. And do you know what happens when a normal person grabs the middle of a pool cue and smacks someone with the tip of it? Fucking nothing! It does so little damage that they actually get healthier. That’s how you train cats to not shit in house plants, or how you get an elderly person’s attention when their hearing aid is off. I’m glad you can kill a guy like that, but we were raised in Earth gravity, dick.

S.P.E.A.R. System for Women and Self Defense Coaches - Rape Safe
by Tony Blauer

Tony Blauer sells special armor to wear when you pretend to rape people, and Tony Blauer has lost his goddamn mind. I don’t know if he grew up on the streets outside a rape factory or if scientists replaced his brain with a stack of rejected Dirty Harry sequels, but he is living on Planet Tony Blauer, the stabbing capital of the universe where nothing goes unraped.

He invented the system of Chu Fen Do which is Chinese for “I read Bruce Lee’s book and I vote against rape whenever given the option.” The tape begins with Tony recording the intro on his balcony, and it falls apart in less than 10 seconds. Tony talks about how he doesn’t teach martial arts “moves.” He teaches a mindset… a “concept” that will keep you safe. Then he gets interrupted by a low-flying aircraft. Where a normal person would stop filming, he instead goes insane. He just starts incorporating it into his speech. He says, and I fucking quote, “This is classified information. That’s why we’ve got helicopters flying overhead.”

What the fucking what!? Is he out of his fucking mind, or does he think we are? He’s recording a description of a concept on a VHS camcorder for retail market, and he’s protecting it with helicopters!!! Why?No wait, How? Are they going to drop napalm on his camera man? Scream ineffective martial arts tips and hope the enemy spies get mixed up? Plus, who decided that all this information on how to prevent rape should be classified? Shouldn’t you be extremely suspicious of why anyone would suggest that?

And then it gets crazier! He warns the viewer that people are using listening devices to get this information right at this very moment, but he has a SWAT team there to take care of it. I’m serious! This is not hyperbole for a comedy article! To be honest, I couldn’t understand some of the SWAT team part because nearby traffic choppers beat nearby camcorder microphones every time. But he definitely said something that implied there was a SWAT team close by to protect the intellectual copyrights of his karate tape.

I think Tony sent the National Guard into his apartment complex that night to rape everyone within earshot of his balcony, and anybody who knew how to prevent it got arrested for stealing classified information. And you know what happens to people like that in prison! Well, not them, I guess.

The whole tape is like that. Tony never teaches anything for more than 10 seconds before getting sidetracked by his own gritty and vivid imagination. At one point he loses track of where he is because he starts ranting about all those damn guys who sign up for rape prevention classes just to prove how they don’t work. What? Has that ever happened? And if it has, wouldn’t that have been the most famous headline in history? Tony Blauer and 14 Women Raped by Overzealous Martial Arts Demonstrator at Rape Prevention Class.

The Approach
by Eddie Quinn
The Approach has its own theme song, which is mostly about two things: 1) how much of a pussy you are and 2) what The Approach does to pussies. The Approach recorded it by wiring an electric guitar to a heavy smoker’s dong and then torturing them both.

As we’ve seen, all martial artists fend off imagined attacks differently. Scott Rogers stops an attacker by striking four separate nerve clusters simultaneously. Tony Blauer would take what he knows about Eastern martial arts, remember a story about a kung fu fighter who was raped and tell it to his attacker before hearing a car and announcing that it must be the secret, mobile headquarters of his enemy, Professor Crime. And now we have Eddie Quinn and The APPROOOOOOOOACH!!!

Listen to the theme song and watch the intro. It’s the APPROOOOOOOOACH!!!

The Approach seems strangely practical for a self defense technique. It seems to know that my attacker won’t always move in slow motion after a cute skit. It also seems to know that when a punch is coming in, I won’t have time to block with both hands while applying joint locks with my feet. The Appro(ooooooo)ach sort of looks like an ape learning to swim, using your head instead of water. I haven’t seen such savage combat since a girl scout gave Chris Brown the wrong change.

The Appro(ooo)ach seems to go by the basic rule of street fighting: If you’re Chuck Lidell, carefully punch your opponent’s jaw when they leave an opening. If for some reason you’re not Chuck Lidell, tornado spaz with your arms before your opponent thinks of it. If an untrained caveman and a karate man meet during their travels through time, the caveman wins. Because he uses The Appro(oo)ach.

I hate The Appro(o)ach. The appeal of non-competitive martial arts is that they exist in a world where ninjas might rappel out of a Blackhawk to interrupt you while you’re training with nunchucks. Where every street corner has two muggers that drop their knives when you gently snap your foot into their tummy. The Approach has none of this. It’s practically an instruction manual on how to effectively win a real confrontation!

Without ass kick fantasies, most martial arts are just a shitty workout. An ass kick fantasy is when you imagine an unlikely situation, then solve it like Marvel comics would. For example, if you’re on the way to the movies and you start picturing a guy talking behind you, and then you picture how you would climb over the seat to drive your thumbs into his eyes and knee his nose cartilage into his brain as your rippling muscles… they… NO! Your muscles! They’re reknitting themselves into the form of a wolf!!! Not here! Not noooooooow!!!

That’s an ass kick fantasy. In the black community, you might have heard this phenomenon referred to as “wish-a-nigga-would.” In the Burmese community, I think they call it “brunch.” But whatever you want to call it, it’s the inspiration behind every martial art.

Martial Arts for People with Disabilities

Like I mentioned, most bar fighting videos are so concerned with jump kicks and laser beams that they ignore the obvious: For very location-related reasons, I’m all fucked up. I’m watching something with 5 o’clock shadow shit in a beer pitcher while I make sure I have enough condoms for what comes next. I’m in no condition to be fighting anything, much less an attacker! Well, the closest I could come for this eventuality was Martial Arts for People with Disabilities.

It sucked. It was mostly diagrams of Katas, which are slow motion fights that martial artists have against invisible enemies. They’re not very effective against real enemies, but that doesn’t matter. Because when you attack someone in a wheelchair, God makes a special appearance to spell “Are you fucking kidding me!?” in your corpse with lightning bolts.

Bas Rutten’s Lethal Street Fighting Self Defense System
by Bas Rutten
Here’s what I learned from Bas Rutten’s video: If you ever have a disagreement with Bas Rutten, he will perform a one man show on your groin.
Please enjoy these highlights:

Bas takes true pleasure in ramming human heads into things, and his self defense system seems to center around entertaining his friends as he hospitalizes a foe. In at least half the bar fight scenarios, he’s the one who initiates the violence. A typical Bas Rutten scenario is this:

I’m not positive, but I think Bas Rutten has made the first self defense instructional video for the bad guy. Which is troubling news because it’s much, much better than the ones for the good guy. So I guess the only thing I’ve learned is that when a bar fight ever breaks out, you’re going to die. And if Bas Rutten ever breaks out, we’re all going to die.

On September 14, 2009, the world lost Patrick Swayze. During his 30-year acting career, he played the role of a Commie-killing high school football player, dancer, Civil War soldier, bouncer, surfing bank robber, ghost, transvestite, trucker, Allan Quartermain, singing cartoon dog and pedophile. To put that kind of versatility into perspective, fellow actor Steven Segal has starred in 417 movies and played a Steven Segal 417 times. Steven Segal couldn’t play a pedophile if he was a pedophile.

Patrick Swayze was a musician with a top 10 hit and People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1991. This was back before they gave it to Ben Affleck and the award meant something. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that Swayze was also the Second Greatest Film Star of All Time, and not in any kind of subjective way– it’s basic science. Almost every movie he starred in was the second best of a particular genre. Let’s look at the facts:

Before we begin, cut out and wear your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles. My manufacturer had some problems processing my last minute order, but luckily 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles should be compatible with the Official Jean-Claude Van Damme Data Decoding Funglasses you already own.

Calibrate your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles now.
Turn up the Road House settings of your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles until you can clearly see the image below.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Dancing Movie of All Time: Dirty Dancing
We owe a lot to Dirty Dancing. It was a runaway hit that changed the way people communicated with the language of dance. After this movie came out, the phrase, “Excuse me, would you care to dance,” could be substituted with approaching a woman and intensely rubbing your dick against her leg. I skipped a lot of health classes, but that’s win/win for everybody, right?

What was the #1 dance movie?
Footloose
Even though Patrick Swayze and Dirty Dancing made premature ejaculation into a cute icebreaker, Footloose is still a better movie. It was about a town that tried to preserve its moral structure by outlawing dance. If you were on the city council of the Footloose town, your eyeballs couldn’t even register how filthy Dirty Dancing is. It would just look like a teen ovary being attacked by dildos and robots. Adjust your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to see a scene from Dirty Dancing as the characters from Footloose do.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Cold War Movie of all Time: Red Dawn
Like everyone who was a kid in 1984, my parents were paranoid gun owners–positive that any day now, the Russians were going to paradrop into our backyard. Back then, people used to fantasize about Soviet invasions like people fantasize about zombie apocalypses today. And Red Dawn was like every fantasy come true. If my parents hadn’t kept me so busy reloading spent bullet cartridges, I could have practically masturbated to it. It was about Soviets and Cubans invading Colorado and getting all their Communist shit fucked up by Swayze and a group of high school guerrilla fighters. They even called themselves Wolverines just so they’d have something awesome to scream after they killed Spetsnaz commandos. Between the years of 1984 to 1986, the farm belt went ahead and replaced all crop-generating fields with dick measuring stations because America could live entirely on Red Dawn.

What was the #1 Cold War movie?
Rocky IV
Red Dawn was amazing, but when Rocky beat Ivan Drago, he actually ended the Cold War. This was even more incredible than the time his victory over Hulk Hogan in Rocky III invented the cotton gin.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Transvestite Movie of all Time: To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Numar
Most cross-dressing movies center around the theme that if the worst failure of a man disguises himself as a woman, he’s immeasurably better than any woman. I’m not sure if this is because screenwriters hate women or because girls just can’t do anything right. To be honest, neither reason would surprise me. In To Wong Foo, the superiority of a man in a dress over a regular woman in a dress is never more apparent, but it’s kind of not fair since two of them are Wesley Snipes and Patrick Swayze, and they’re both completely awesome.

What was the #1 transvestite movie?
Tootsie
If your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles are adjusted correctly, this image should give you an erection. Check your equipment now.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Ghost Movie of all Time: Ghost
At one point, people who enjoyed the hobby of pottery also unintentionally enjoyed the hobby of celibacy. Then the movie Ghost came out. After that scene where Swayze bones Demi Moore by the pottery wheel, ceramics were suddenly an aphrodisiac. In the post-Ghost world, if you tell a woman you’re about to go pinch together an ashtray, that’s like crashing an Astroglide cargo plane into her.

To us normal people, Patrick Swayze’s death is a sad loss. But psychic mediums have been waiting for this day for years. It’s no exaggeration to say that every woman that can communicate with the dead is sitting in her underwear by a pottery wheel and trying to summon Patrick Swayze’s ghost right now. Parker Brothers is going to have to release a Ouija board with a Patrick Swayze button and vibrating clay pot attachment. Within a few months, the word “séance” will become obsolete since mystics will just call these events “group sex with Patrick Swayze.”

What was the #1 ghost movie?
Ghostbusters
Tragically, if the Ghostbusters were here, they’d be trying to kill Patrick Swayze’s eternal spirit. Fine tune the Shyamalan settings on your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles until you can decode the following image.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Gay Movie of All Time: Point Break
Point Break could be considered a movie about surfing, skydiving, buddy copping or heisting. However, at its core, it’s about Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze not quite having sex.

What was the #1 gay movie?
Brokeback Mountain
I considered for a bit giving the #1 gay movie spot to the funniest title I could find in a Google search of man-on-man adult movies, but the decency filter on my word processor wouldn’t let me type “Buns Full of Trevor IX.” Warning: 104 percent of all 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles have a tendency to badly malfunction when viewing this image.

Swayze starred in…
The Second Best Saturday Night Live Skit of All Time: “Chippendales Tryouts”
The fact that Swayze managed to keep a straight face while he and Chris Farley competed against each other in a stripper audition cements him as at least the second finest actor of his generation. Or an android. But if Patrick Swayze was an android this article would be CRAZY.

What was the #1 SNL skit of all time?
Dick in a Box
You can now safely remove your 3-D SwayzeVision Goggles to decode the following secret: The power of 3-D SwayzeVision was inside you the whole time.