With the November election just around the corner and both campaigns ramping up their rhetoric, there’s been a lot of talk in the media about the candidates, their qualifications (or lack thereof), and what they might look like naked. That’s all well and good - spirited discourse about prominent politicians’ genitalia is essential to a healthy democracy - but with all this talk about Obama, McCain, Sarah Palin and (to a lesser extent) Joe Biden, I can’t help but feel that someone has been left out of the national dialogue.

I’m talking, of course, about me, Ross Wolinsky. I might not be a “Kennedyesque” senator with a gift for oration, nor have I ever been tortured as a POW in Hanoi (I don’t even know what Hanoi is!), but let me be clear: I, Ross Wolinsky, am going to be the next President of the United States.

Now I know what you’re thinking: Who is this Ross Wolinsky fella, and why in the name of Krokus should I vote for him? What’s the Great Pizza Basket, and are those stink lines coming off of Florida? My agenda might be a little bit different than the other candidates’, but that’s probably because I’m not like the other candidates. Let’s get into it, shall we?

HOMELAND SECURITY

We live in troubled times, and the war we are waging against terrorists abroad will be our legacy for generations to come. They hate us for our freedom, and they want to kill our pets and grandparents. It’s no surprise that homeland security is on the minds of millions of Americans - we love our pets and grandparents. That’s what America is all about.

Barack Obama wants to “base homeland security spending on risk rather than pork-barrel politics.” John McCain says that “the highest priority for any President is protecting the lives of American citizens.”

Ross Wolinsky thinks that both of these men are morons.

The Department of Homeland Security operates with a staggering annual budget of $45 billion, but despite this astronomical figure, studies have repeatedly found DHS to be an ineffective government agency. When he is elected President, Ross Wolinsky will dismantle the Department of Homeland Security and use their budget to build the biggest theme park the world has ever seen at the geographic center of the United States. It will be called Freedomland, admission will be free for all natural-born citizens, and it will be staffed entirely by grandparents and pets.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right: A theme park staffed by grandparents and pets will most likely be a very unpleasant place to visit. Geriatrics will be wandering the park, confused and impatient, the pets will go mostly unfed, and anyone who gets on the roller coaster is almost guaranteed to die (and that’s not even mentioning the feces). But Freedomland will be more of a symbolic gesture than anything else, and besides, an amusement park covered in animal and octogenarian feces is as American as apple pie.

Which reminds me: The park will also sell apple pie.

THE ECONOMY

Following the recent meltdown on Wall Street, America’s going to need a President with a sharp business sense while we put the pieces of our nation’s economy back together. Barack Obama plans to invest in “infrastructure, energy independence, education, and research and development,” while John McCain advocates a “pro-growth, pro-jobs strategy” to get our economy on the fast-track to recovery.

Ross Wolinsky thinks that economics is boring, and when he’s elected President, he will make talking about it ILLEGAL.

Unless, of course, you are born into the newly-created “finance” caste, in which case the well-being of our entire economy will rest entirely on your back. This small group of privileged individuals will be fully sequestered in maximum security “Analyst Camps” on Wall Street, where they’ll be forced - err, allowed - to calculate risk, trade stocks and commodities, and talk about all that other boring, complicated things that most Americans have no interest in or understanding of.

This will free up valuable space in the business sections of our nation’s newspapers, magazines and TV shows, which can then be filled with something that has been woefully underrepresented in the American media for too many years:

Hardcore pornography.

When he is elected President, Ross Wolinsky will put hardcore pornography where it belongs: on your TVs, in your newspapers… everywhere he possibly can, really. Oh - and if you go to the bank they’ll give you free money. As much of it as you want.

That’s the Ross Wolinsky promise: locked-up financial analysts, hardcore pornography, and all the free money you want.

FLORIDA

Three words: NO MORE FLORIDA.

HEALTHCARE

If energy costs are soaring, then healthcare costs are doing some other dramatic, air-related thing that escapes me at the moment. Americans cannot afford their doctor bills and insurance premiums; meanwhile the doctors and surgeons are zipping around the French Rivieria on diamond-encrusted yachts, reclining on deck with a diamond-encrusted glass of imported diamond juice in their hands, laughing maniacally, or possibly just laughing regularly at how ridiculous it is to do that.

Both Barack Obama and John McCain know that the cost of healthcare is completely out of control, and they both have their own vague band-aid solutions to bring costs under control, but neither one of them are brave enough to address the root of the problem: modern medicine is simply too expensive for many Americans.

So what’s the solution? We need affordable medical solutions for the Americans who need them, solutions for when modern medicine is out of reach. To that end, Ross Wolinsky believes that we must invest heavily in ancient, archaic medical practices that have long since been replaced by more effective, less horrifically painful practices. Leeches, trepanation, and dirt blessed by voodoo shamans were all perfectly respectable forms of medical treatment before “science” showed up and ruined the party, and when Ross Wolinsky is elected President, he will create a new government agency dedicated to bringing these practices back into use for the millions of sick Americans who need them.

Modern medicine is elitist and surgery is for aristocrats - what you need is a good ol’ fashioned bloodletting.

THE SANCTITY OF LIFE

The sanctity of life is a very sensitive issue, one that must be approached delicately. Barack Obama has made it clear that he supports a woman’s right to choose, while John McCain’s website says that he is committed to “the protection of human dignity,” which means he’s against killing babies, I think.

Pro-Life? Pro-Choice? Ross Wolinsky does not believe that babies have a place in this country at all.

These unproductive, lazy members of our society have been placing an enormous strain on our national resources for too long, expecting handouts while giving nothing back to society. They cry during movies, they defecate in our supermarket aisles, and they’ve made enjoying a leisurely afternoon at the local playground nearly impossible. We have put up with The Bonneted Menace for too long, and when he is elected President this November, Ross Wolinsky will make sure that no more babies are born in this country EVER AGAIN.

AGRICULTURE

The plight of the American farmer is one of the great tragedies of our time. Barack Obama speaks of an agricultural agenda that will allow America’s farmers to “create a new story for rural America,” and John McCain wants to “expand access for U.S. agricultural producers to foreign markets,” but Ross Wolinsky knows better than that; after all, he grew up in Chicago, a city not too far away from Iowa (where corn is grown).

The problems facing America’s farmers aren’t rooted in corn subsidies or companies like Monsanto. The politicians would have you believe that fixing things requires a complicated solution, something involving lots of research and committees and big words nobody understands, but here’s what the politicians don’t want you to know: The problems facing America’s farmers are as simple as apple pie coolin’ on your grandma’s windowsill.

Corn might be America’s #1 crop, but is it America’s favorite food? NOT EVEN CLOSE. Our nation’s farmers, those forgotten heroes tilling their midwestern fields to feed our nation, are dedicating the vast majority of their precious resources on a crop that NOBODY EVEN LIKES.

That’s why when Ross Wolinsky is President, he will adopt a reform strategy to enact sweeping changes throughout the American agricultural system. No longer will our nation’s farmers be tied to growing a crop that sticks in your teeth and refuses digestion. We need to bring our bread basket into the 21st century, and to do so, we need to start growing a crop that people actually want to eat:

Pizza. We must grow more pizza.

My name is Ross Wolinsky, and I approve this message.

The rise of social media has made it easier than ever to keep in touch with friends, relatives and coworkers. With a few keystrokes you can reconnect with an old high school buddy, learn what your coworker’s favorite band is, or play Scrabble with a friend who lives on the other side of the globe.

People need rules to tell them how to act. Luckily I went to the top of Mount Internet last night, and God handed me down these 10 Commandments of Facebook for all to obey. Follow them or you’ll go to hell.

1. Thou Shalt Not List Every Movie, TV Show, Band and Book You Have Ever Heard Of In Your Profile

“You like The Office? I like The Office!!!”

Do you like Radiohead, A Confederacy of Dunces, and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off? Do you enjoy watching The Office and Family Guy? Of course you do - everyone likes those things. Why make it a point to express your enthusiasm for things that everyone likes?

Maybe you’re cooler than that. Maybe you’re into cool, obscure bands like Fela Kuti and Einstürzende Neubauten. Awesome, dude - you have impeccable taste in shit that nobody has ever heard of. Congratulations.

Everyone knows that a person is only as good as their taste in books, movies, bands and TV shows, but what exactly do you hope to accomplish by posting a 5,000-item laundry list? Are you going to forge deep and meaningful new relationships with people based on a mutual appreciation of Entourage, or sever ties with good friends because they AREN’T into Fela Kuti? If you feel the need to share this information with the world (and I know that you do), keep it as short as possible. Remember: You’re not going to impress anyone. It’s the Internet. Nobody is impressed by ANYTHING on the Internet.

2. Thou Shalt Not “Poke” Indiscriminately

This guy was into “the poke.” He’s dead now (probably).

Maybe I’m missing something here, but as far as I can tell, “poking” people serves absolutely no purpose other than prompting the person on the other side to “poke” you back, sparking off a potentially infinite spiral of pointlessness that makes everyone involved just a little bit dumber than they were when it started. Before you know it you’re installing apps that offer “pro” pokes, “office” pokes, and “sexy” pokes. “Indiscriminately” might not even be the right word here. How about “Thou Shalt Not ‘Poke’ EVER” or “Thou Shalt Not ‘Poke’ Because That Shit Is Completely Retarded And Pointless”?

3. Thou Shalt Not “Friend” People You Don’t Actually Know

This guy is Gladstone’s “friend.”

What does the word “friend” mean to you? It means different things to different people, but most would agree that a “friend” is someone that you actually know. Ideally someone you’ve met in real life. I know that’s not always going to be the case (Gladstone would have exactly ZERO friends on Facebook if he had to follow that rule), but I’m sure we can all agree that if someone is your friend, you should at least KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

If you vaguely remember someone from high school but you don’t remember how you actually knew them, then chances are you guys weren’t very good friends to begin with. Of course, it’s also entirely possible that you guys were total besties and you’re going through some sort of Memento-like amnesia. If so, disregard this commandment, add everyone you possibly can as a friend, and send them all messages that say, “WHO AM I? DEAR GOD, PLEASE TELL ME WHO I AM!”

4. Thou Shalt Not Use A Wall As A Private Messaging Function

The “Wall” is one of Facebook’s most popular features. That being said, there are times when it might be a good idea to move your conversation to a private venue. Here’s a handly little chart to help illustrate when it’s appropriate to communicate on a public Facebook wall, and when it’s INAPPROPRIATE to do so:

Hopefully that clears up some confusion.

5. Thou Shalt Not Join A Billion Groups

While it may very well be true that Dave Coulier shaves his balls, what more is there to say about it?

If you’re a black lesbian with a severe wheat allergy who also happens to be into Philip K. Dick and astrology, then you’re in luck: there are tons of groups on Facebook, and there’s sure to be at least one of them out there that caters to you. But with so many groups available, you have to draw a line in the sand somewhere. You might like chicken noodle soup quite a bit, but do you really need to join the Chicken Noodle Soup Group? Maybe you prefer sponges to forks, but do you really feel so strongly about it that you need to join SPONGES RULE - FORKS DONT!? If you think Gladstone is funny (and yes, I know that’s a big “if”), do you really want to join his group and announce it to the world? Of course not.

There’s nothing wrong with joining a few groups, but don’t go crazy. Oh - and don’t join Gladstone’s. Seriously. It will only encourage him.

6. Thou Shalt Not Use Stupid Apps

With so many fart-related apps to choose from, how do I know which one is right for me?

The other day I got a notification on Facebook letting me know that someone had “bought” me. Then someone else challenged me to a “race” where this crappy little car came up, I hit “Go!,” and a message popped up that said “YOU LOST THE RACE.” Then another notification popped up informing me that someone had “thrown a sheep” at me, asking if I’d like to install some sort of app to “throw a sheep” back at them. Then another notification popped up, but instead of clicking it I closed my laptop, walked down to the nearest highway overpass, and proceeded to get as drunk as a human being possibly can without dying.

There are thousands of apps available on Facebook, and although there are a few worth checking out, about 99.9% of them suck. A reasonably intelligent person should be able to tell the difference. If you can’t figure out which is which, maybe Facebook isn’t the place for you. Perhaps another social networking site would suit you better?

7. Thou Shalt Not Give “Gifts”

Q: What does all this crap have in common?
A: I don’t want any of it. (Except that Chinese paper lantern. That looks nice.)

I know this goes with the whole not-using-stupid-apps thing, but “gifts” are so stupid that they deserve their own commandment.

If you want to give me a “gift” of some kind - like a butterfly, a pink striped thong, or an adorable panda - give it to me in real life.

Yes, you heard me: give me a panda in real life.

I will raise it in my apartment, it will quickly become enormous and unmanageable, and then yes, it will most likely go on a rampage in my building and kill several people before being put down by a team of animal control specialists. Do I want all this senseless carnage? No, but given the choice, I’ll take a building full of dead neighbors over receiving a tiny picture of a pair of socks as a “gift” on Facebook.

Am I being too harsh? Maybe. Just give me that Chinese paper lantern and we’ll call it even.

8. Thou Shalt Not Contact People From Your Distant Past While Intoxicated

If you had a relatively normal childhood, you probably have some nice memories of the people you grew up with. Assuming those people feel the same way about you, Facebook creates a tinderbox-like atmosphere - all it takes is a few booze-soaked swipes at the keyboard to send off an incoherent missive that can easily shatter even the fondest of childhood memories.

It’s nice to let old friends know what you’ve been up to, but mixing Facebook with alcohol can be a potentially deadly combination.

9. Thou Shalt Not Update Thy Status Message If Thine Status Hath Not Changed (Or If You Have Nothing Clever To Say)

Status Update: Still watching the copy machine.

You have a full-time job, Monday through Friday, 9-5. We have a pretty good idea of what you’re doing when you’re at work - sitting at your desk, typing stuff, maybe talking on the phone every once in a while. Your weekdays are pretty predictable; your friends could use your routine to set their watches. You’re at work. We get it.

So here’s a tip: Wait until you either have something clever to say or - godforbid - something happens before you update your status message. A sandwich (good or bad), an observation about the upcoming election, a funny encounter in the hallway - it doesn’t have to be much, but it has to be something. Here’s what I don’t need to know: that you’re still at your desk. I KNOW you’re at your desk. It’s a weekday during normal business hours. If your status hasn’t changed, why do you feel the need to “update” it?

10. Thou Shalt Not Act Like You’re On MySpace

Facebook: Not nearly enough glitter.

Welcome to Facebook - you’re all grown up now and it’s time to start acting like it. What does that mean? It means no more “pimping” out your page, no more “glitter” pictures, and no more crashing peoples’ browsers with tons of annoying embedded junk in your profile. Are you okay with that? Does the idea of a social networking site that is actually USABLE appeal to you? Even if it means you can’t make your page display blinking purple text on an animated rainbow background with Aqua’s “Barbie Girl” playing every time the page loads?

Yes, you can probably add some “pimp” apps or something if you really want to, but to do so you’re missing the point: Facebook and MySpace are completely different beasts. If you think a website with a white background looks “boring,” if you can’t go a day without filling out a survey and posting it as a bulletin, and if you can’t stand the idea of only being friends with actual people on a social networking website (as opposed to inanimate objects, abstract concepts and Tila Tequila), well, then maybe Facebook isn’t the place for you.

Or maybe I’m wrong. Feel free to throw a sheep at me and let me know.

So you’re considering a lucrative, rewarding career in the exciting world of email spamming! Good for you! Being an email spammer can be a lot of fun, but it can also be a challenge. What nonexistent celebrity sex tapes should you offer fake links to, and how do you use those fake links to install malware on peoples’ computers? What types of products and services should you offer to people, and if they’re interested, what’s the easiest way to steal those peoples’ personal financial information?

You probably have a lot of questions, but as luck would have it, I just so happen to have some answers for you. With a little patience and some good ol’ fashioned elbow grease, you’ll be scamming senior citizens and mental defectives before you know it… and pulling down a seven-figure salary to boot! Let’s get started!

A is for Asshole

This is what you’ll immediately become when you start sending out email spam. You might volunteer at a soup kitchen and help old ladies cross the street on a regular basis, but the moment you start jamming inboxes all around the world with spam, as soon as that very first email goes out with the subject “BRITNEY PEES WITH PARIS HILTON’S DOG VIDEO,” guess what? Now you’re an asshole. Congratulations. Speaking of which…

B is for Britney Spears

People are looking for all kinds of things when they go to check their inboxes, but more often than not, most people are hoping to receive pictures and videos of Britney Spears engaging in some sort of sex act. If you want to be a successful email spammer, offer people access to these sorts of materials. Don’t worry about the fact that Britney’s fame has already collapsed on itself like a white-trash dwarf star made of fried chicken and hate, or the fact that nobody has really wanted to see Britney Spears naked for the better part of a decade now. Send everybody on Earth fake links to pictures and videos of Britney Spears naked anyway. We’ll all thank you for it later.

C is for C1alis

Millions of men are unable to achieve an erection without help from the pharmaceutical industry. Many of those men have email. Therefore, it’s probably a good idea to send out unsolicited Cialis offers to everyone on Earth. This is what we in the industry call “targeted marketing.” Unfortunately, many spam filters block out the word “Cialis,” depriving millions of desperate, flaccid men of easy access to unsolicited, bogus offers for the drug. Try changing the first “i” to a “1″ and see if that works. Don’t do it for yourself - do it for all the millions of boners out there that never had a chance.

D is for Delete

This is what I (the average email user) do to all the garbage that you (the average spammer) send me. Most people do the same thing (because most people are smart enough to know a rip-off when they see one), but there’s this one mouth-breather in Florida who keeps falling for it time and time again, making it profitable for you spammers to keep doing your thing. Keep taking his money until he doesn’t have any left, then mail him a handgun, a bullet, and a thank-you letter from Charles Darwin.

E is for EBay Passwords

There are an estimated 6.684 billion on this planet, but only about 15,000 of them work at eBay. Assume all of the rest of them know nothing about eBay’s password recovery options, and try to trick them into giving you their account information. Furthermore, assume they won’t think twice about the fact that no legitimate website on the entire internet would ever ask for your personal information via email. Why can you make this assumption? Skip to “H” to find out.

F is for Famous People

Now that I really think about it, when you’re offering people free naked pictures of celebrities, why stop at Britney Spears? Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton; the public has an infinite appetite for fake links to naked pictures of famous people, so expand your horizons and cast as wide a net as possible.

G is for Giveaways

Everyone loves a good celebrity sex tape, but everyone knows they’re even better when they’re free. Don’t just offer us unsolicited hardcore pornography - offer us FREE unsolicited hardcore pornography. Then instead of actually giving us the porn, give us a link to some website that asks for our credit card numbers. Which reminds me…

H is for Human Beings Are Morons

If someone started an Email Spamming College, they would probably teach you this unfortunate but incontrovertible fact in Spam 101. This is the guiding principle of email spamming, and all the real-deal spammers have it tattooed in Latin on their chests. Not ALL human beings are morons, of course, but as long as there’s the Home Shopping Network, Truck Nuts, and people living in Florida, you better believe that spam will continue to be profitable.

I is for Insane Costs To Businesses

Smile! You’re costing businesses worldwide $100 billion this year!

J is for Junk Folder

If spamming was a hurdling race, then the Junk folder would be the hurdles you need to jump over. If spamming was a murder trial and you were the defendant, then the Junk folder would be the jury you’d need to convince of your innocence. If spamming was a labored metaphor, then the Junk folder would be very difficult to explain. Forget it - all you really need to know is that the Junk folder sucks.

K is for Killing An Alien

If you fired a gun in outer space, couldn’t it hypothetically keep going pretty much forever since there’s no atmosphere? And if the bullet could hypothetically keep going forever, isn’t there a pretty good chance that it would eventually hit an alien in the head? This doesn’t really have anything to do with email spam - just something I’ve been thinking about lately.

L is for Love

If you choose to become an email spammer, nobody will ever love you again. Nobody. Ever. Your family, your friends, even your pets will realize that you are a despicable human being and will want nothing to do with you. If you have a wife, she’ll leave you. If you have children and you try to pick them up, they’ll scream and bite you. Your pets will pee on all the nice things you bought with your dirty spam money. You’ll look at the stains and think to yourself, “If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that Formica was doing this on purpose,” but the truth is, you don’t know better. Formica is doing it on purpose. Then you’ll think to yourself, “Why did I name my dog Formica? That’s not even a name.”

M is for Millions Of Dollars

Play your cards right and you could end up a card-carrying member of the nouveau riche. Naturally, you’ll need to adjust your lifestyle accordingly. Pick out a massive McMansion in a satellite suburb, fill it with gaudy furniture and cold, hideous modern art, and find yourself a trophy wife with expensive habits and an icy stare. Fill your four-car garage with tasteless luxury cars and put an enormous, sexually explicit fountain on your front lawn. The neighbors might not appreciate it, but remember: You’re an email spammer now. That means that the neighbors, the welcoming committee, and whoever wrote the letter kindly requesting that you remove the sexually explicit fountain from your front lawn can all go fuck themselves.

N is for Nigerians

Would you believe me if I told you I had $50 million tied up in complicated Ivory Coast business transactions? What if I told you that I’d give you 10% of that $50 million if you let me transfer my money into your bank account? No? You wouldn’t believe me? Okay, fair enough. That’s probably because I’m not Nigerian.

O is for Outrage

When you attend social functions, people may ask what you do for a living. Saying “I’m an email spammer” probably won’t get the best response, so try to pad the blow if at all possible. Say “I’m in marketing” or “I work in digital media” and see how that goes, or maybe just say “I’m a walking pile of dog shit,” drop your pants, and sit down bare-assed in the punch bowl. You might as well - as an email spammer, nobody is expecting much better out of you.

P is for Pornography

Dramas and comedies are great and all, but when it comes to movies, studies have proven time and time again that 9 out of 10 people prefer the ones that show penises going in and out of vaginas. Give the people what they want.

Q is for “Quit It!”

A word to the wise: pretty much everyone hates spammers. As a result, there will always be people wishing you would “quit it.” (They might also say “knock it off” or “cut it out” or something like that.) These people are idiots with zero business sense who should be ignored at all costs. Remember: If you follow their advice, it won’t be long before you’re right back where you started, selling Cutco knives out of the trunk of your Ford Festiva and bathing in a gas station bathroom sink. Spamming isn’t a glamorous profession, but it beats bathing in a sink, doesn’t it?

R is for Ridiculously Low Prices

People love these, so don’t worry about making your offer sound even vaguely realistic. Remember: Whether it’s 500 DVDs, 500 Rolexes, or 500 diamond-encrusted diamonds, the price is always ONE PENNY.

S is for Stealthy

This is what you’ll need to be if you don’t want to get caught. You don’t want anything getting traced back to you, so it’s probably a good idea to take some measures to protect your identity. Wear a top hat and monocle when you’re out in the street so that nobody recognizes you, but change into a turban and sunglasses when you’re at home to throw “them” off. Track down Matthew Lesko and steal his suit. Remember: the goal is to blend in and not call too much attention to yourself. Also, avoid sending out spam from an email address that has your full name in it.

T is for Tits

Here’s a statistic: 20% of all email spam has at least one reference to tits in it somewhere. I just made that up, but it’s probably true, and if it’s not, it SHOULD be true, because let’s face it: People love tits.

U is for Unbelievably Large Penis

There’s no shortage of products that claim to increase the size of your penis, and there’s no reason not to offer all of them to your victim- err… clients. Pumps, creams, pills; no matter what it is, shove it in their faces and cross your fingers. Which reminds me…

V is for V1agra

When these guys (inevitably) purchase a variety of devices and ointments to increase their penis size, they’re probably going to need a little help raising the drawbridge. Why stop at C1alis? Offer everyone some V1agra, too. Oh, and while you’re at it, why not give “Breast 1mplants” a shot? You know - for the ladies. Once you’re operating under the assumption that everyone is unhappy with their genitalia, the rest is all simple math.

W is for Worldwide

People around the world are different. Some of them wear funny hats, some of them wear wooden shoes, and some of them put sheets over everything but their eyes. (They walk around like that!) Some people have slanty eyes, some people have flat, wide noses, and some people have red hair. (RED! WTF?!) But despite all of these trivial differences, it’s important to remember that we’re all just human beings being human. Who cares if someone looks a little different than you look? It’s not the color of a person’s skin that matters; it’s how much money they have in their bank account, and how easily you can trick them into giving it to you. Drop the racism, transcend nationalism, and try to steal from everyone.

X is for Xanax

If there’s one thing people like more than boner pills, it’s pills that make them really sleepy. Xanax, Soma, Percocet, Valium; people love all that stuff, but purchasing these products without a prescription can be difficult (if not impossible). As a result, more and more people in recent years have been turning to unsolicited, anonymous email offers that are jam-packed with typos and broken English. Why not help these unfortunate souls with their chronic anxiety? Think of it as a good deed… and then steal their credit card info and rob them blind.

Y is for Your Soul

This is what you give up when you choose a career in the spam industry, but think about it from a financial perspective: What is the monetary value of a soul? Last I checked it was ZERO DOLLARS.

Z is for Zebras

Give me a break - there’s nothing spam-related that starts with “Z.”

If you’re anything like me, you love spending your hard-earned cash on new products. Clothes, technological gizmos, home furnishings - I could spend a whole paycheck on bendy straws and fake asses if you twisted my arm. Here’s the problem: For as much as we all enjoy draining our bank accounts on bendy straws and fake asses, our hectic 21st-century schedules often don’t leave us much time for shopping. That’s why when I’m running short on bendy straws, fake asses, or any other product, for that matter, I turn to a magical website called Amazon.com.

You might be wary of shopping online. That’s understandable - the prices are suspiciously low, and identity theft is at an all-time high these days. You also might be completely out of your mind, suffering from a mental condition that drives you to compulsively scrub your hands raw, collect little bits of string from dumpsters and gutters around your neighborhood, or commit horrible, unspeakable acts under the inky blanket of night. That’s why I’ve written this guide to navigating the sometimes-complicated, often-terrifying world of Amazon.com… for foaming, raving lunatics.

Let’s get started!

What’s your poison? Gourmet food? Musical instruments? Actual Poison? No matter what it might be, Amazon probably has you covered - and at rock-bottom prices, too!

Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay. Now that you’re me, you know as well as I do that all of the surfaces in your home are crawling with invisible, microscopic germs. Don’t worry, though - Amazon has nearly 20,000 cleaning products to choose from! You and I both know - you’re me now, remember? - that the war against microscopic germs is unwinnable because the world is fundamentally and irreversibly UNCLEAN, but with so many products a click of the mouse away, why not give it a shot? Besides, at these prices, can you really afford NOT to?

Which reminds me: Did you know that many computer keyboards are diritier than a TOILET SEAT?!?! Better pick up some keyboard wipes and hand sanitizer while you’re at it! That should take care of “99.99% of most common germs,” but what about the other 0.01%? What about the UNCOMMON germs? Maybe you need a UV Wand… but how do you disinfect the UV Wand itself? You’ll need to buy two, use one to disinfect the other, and then throw the first one away - here’s some latex gloves you can wear while carrying it to the garbage.

While we’re at it, here are some Kleenex boxes for you to walk around in and some mason jars for urine collection. Combine the orders and you’ll qualify for free shipping!

Buying hand sanitizer and urine jars is great and all, but with so many different products to choose from, how are you supposed to know which one is right for you? That’s where one of Amazon’s best features - user-generated commenting - comes into play.

Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay. Now that you’re me, you know as well as I do that the government is trying to control your mind with satellites that send signals to a tiny chip they’ve implanted in your skull. You also know that lining your dank, cave-like studio apartment with aluminum foil will block the satellite transmissions, but different brands of aluminum foil have different thicknesses, and there are dozens of products available to choose from. How are you supposed to know which one will give you the most bang for your buck? By reading user reviews, that’s how:

Have you always suspected that reptilian humanoids secretly run the entire world from hidden underground caves? We’ve all wondered about it at one point or another, but with so many different books to read on the subject (eight books - EIGHT!), where to get started? Once again, user reviews to the rescue!

See how helpful your fellow Amazon.com users can be? Sometimes the best place to turn for help is other consumers… you know, people just like you! But while it’s nice to imagine a web-based utopia made up of people looking out for one another, you need to exercise caution: Everyone has a voice on Amazon, and unfortunately, that means there are bound to be some folks posting comments who are - how can I put this delicately - less than reliable.

As you can see, not all user reviews can be trusted. Try to use your best judgment.

Now that you’ve got a feel for the basics, the hardest part will be keeping track of all those products you want to purchase! Luckily, Amazon has a built-in “Wish List” feature for just this purpose.

Let’s pretend you’re me for a second. Take a moment to get into character. Got it? Okay. Now that you’re me, you know as well as I do that planning a romantic evening with a special young lady can be a daunting, sometimes stressful occasion. Every detail - from your freshly-pressed tuxedo to the chilled bottle of Dom Pérignon waiting in the limo - needs to be perfect, and it can be difficult to keep it all straight in your head. That’s why when I have a lot of things I need to buy, I use Amazon’s Wish List feature to keep track of it all:

See how easy that is? Try it out for yourself - you’ll be amazed by how much better you’ll feel with a well-organized shopping list to look at.

Congratulations - you’re now an expert Amazon.com shopper! Why not treat yourself to something nice?

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last year (particularly if it’s a rock with no internet connection), chances are you’ve heard about the 140-characters-or-less blogging service Twitter.com. Hailed by prominent nerds as the best thing to hit the internet since the dancing baby, Twitter has quickly risen to become the web’s most popular “micro-blogging” site.

That’s all well & good for tech-savvy bloggers who actually know what “micro-blogging” is, but what about you, the average Joe who still uses Netscape to check your Friendster “Testimonials” on a shared computer at the public library? What about people like me, ordinary folks who still fall for the old “My Nigerian Bank Account Is Overflowing With Money And I Need Your Help” routine time and time again? Does Twitter have anything to offer idiots like us? I decided to find out.

According to some article on Time.com (who else would you to turn to for valuable information about tech trends? Cracked.com?!), Twitter is “blogging for regular people.” I don’t know what in the name of God that’s supposed to mean; I thought blogging was ALREADY for regular people. Isn’t that the whole idea? That anyone can write one? Should we really be making it EVEN EASIER to share your thoughts with the entire internet?

In their own words, Twitter is “a service for friends, family, and co–workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing?” Here’s the thing: Most of the time, my answer to that question is going to be “working,” “dropping a deuce,” or “getting loaded under a highway overpass.” Considering all the awards and accolades it has received from the tech community, there has to be more to Twitter than the ability to tell your friends when you’re dropping a deuce, right?

Right?!

To answer this question I’ll once again turn to Twitter for an answer. According to the “Why?” page on Twitter.com, “basic updates are meaningful to family members, friends, or colleagues—especially when they’re timely.” Let’s try to wrap our heads around this baffling statement one part at a time, shall we?

Family

I don’t know about you guys, but I spend a good chunk of my time HIDING what I do from my family. Considering that, why would I want to give them a web-based tracking collar that will alert them to my every move? Do I really want them to know how drunk I am (very), what I’m drinking (Evan Williams), and where I’m drinking it (alone under a highway o