Cracked Columnists » Daniel O’Brien

On Inauguration Day White People Can Finally Be Cool

Daniel O'Brien — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 12:00:30 +0000

I cannot stress how important these next four years are going to be.
Ladies and Gentlemen, there has been an unfair racial imbalance in this country and, with an African American President, we finally have a chance to remedy this injustice. It’s time to prove that anyone can grow up to be anything, regardless of the color of their skin. It’s time to level the playing field. It’s time we find the antidote for the poison of racial inequality that has plagued one particular race for far too long now. This is our chance.

I’m speaking, of course, about White People.

For the first time in a very, very long time, the White Man finally has the chance to be Cool again. As a white-ish* man, all I have to say to the rest of you is this: Do not blow this for me.

Wrap your brains around this: For the first time in American History, “The Man” isn’t white anymore. Do you have any idea how important that is for us? For too long, we haven’t been able to recapture coolness because we’ve all been “The Man.” I don’t like it any more than you do, but that’s just the way it works. “The Man” was white, and you can’t be cool if you’re the man. Oppression, (and, with it, rebellion), is ingrained in the “Cool Spirit.” Or, to put it in the words of Lewis MacAdams, the dude who literally wrote the book on cool, “Cool is inherently political. Racism and the need to deal with it permeated every aspect of the birth of the cool.” The Cool Man needs to believe he’s on the outside of some kind of vast, oppressive conspiracy bent on keeping him down and, as long as “The Man” doing the oppressing was white, we weren’t legally allowed to be cool. The White Man’s seemingly perpetual “The Man-status” has forever kept us, (and, more importantly, me), on the inside of that conspiracy. But not any more. Obama’s election means the balance shifts.

White Folks, it’s time for us to take back Cool.

Enjoy your country, sucker!

Now, while an Obama Administration makes it impossible for black people to be cool, it does not guarantee white coolness, it just makes it possible. This is an important distinction. It means that we can still screw this up.

Just stay focused. In the wise words of former professor of Race Relations at Harvard University Soren Bowie, “When you’re not ‘The Man,’ you can be…the man.” We’re not “The Man” anymore, we’re not keeping anyone down. The Man is keeping us down. We’re on the outside. The edge! We’re the ones who get screwed, and we’re the ones for whom the system does not work. Whiteys, we are Shaft! Shaft!Fucking finally!

Everything in my life has been leading up to this moment.

Now, it would be really easy for us (you) to ruin this for the rest of us (me), so pay attention. First and foremost, White People, stop doing whatever it is that you’re doing. It’s not cool, trust me. While you’ve certainly had the market cornered on “hip irony” for the last few years, you still have no idea what it means to be cool. As research for this column, I hung out at a Starbucks listening to a bunch of white people talk the other day, and you know what they discussed? Fuel efficiency. Indie-rock How I Met Your Mother. Their 401(k)s.

I don’t think I need to tell you that there is nothing cool about any of those things. It’s pathetic.

What we need to do is think back and channel the coolness of our ancestors. Think back to that mythical time when it actually was cool to be white. Think of a time, dear readers, when guys like Humphrey Bogart and John Wayne wandered the Earth, chain-smoking, binge-drinking and chain-fucking like there was no tomorrow. You think Humphrey Bogart cared about his 401(k)? You think James Dean would be scouring the internet in search of some leaked Weezer tracks? Do you think Frank Sinatra would’ve given a shit about the Toyota Prius?

No, no, no. Those guys were cool and white, because that’s what life used to be like. Don’t believe me? Watch Mad Men. It’s set in the 1960s, back in a time when smoking was indoors, white men were cool, and women were reliable and silent, like sexy pieces of furniture. Just look at this friggin’ Mad Men guy.

That’s probably a direct quote from an actual episode. That’s how cool we can be.

Watch Mad Men, rent some Bogart flicks, and start taking notes. Are you taking notes? Dammit, White People, that was a test and you failed. Never take notes, note-taking isn’t cool. Put the pen down.

Just watch those movies and start living your life like those guys. Wander around in a fucking suit, smoke cigarettes and just be generally unimpressed by everyone. And relax. You know that White Guilt that’s plagued you all your life? Wave Goodbye. It’s somebody else’s guilt now.

Nobody said it’d be easy. Chump.

Friends, the naysayers are going to have a whole lot of things to say on this issue.(Things like “nay,” for example.) These are people who think white people had their chance at coolness and blew it. They’ll say we’ve been uncool for too long, that there’s no way we could turn this around. They may even argue that our lack of coolness is due to some inherent genetic flaw. They’ll say, in accordance with our biological makeup, we simply cannot be cool. And you know what I say to that?
Yes We Can.
Yes We Can.

*[Full Disclosure: While the exact specifics of my race and heritage are still up in the air I am, for the purposes of this article, 'White.' Again, that is strictly for the sake of this article. Call me 'White' to my face, I dare you. See what happens. See what fucking happens.]

Will You Marry Me, Kristen Wiig?

Daniel O'Brien — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 12:00:15 +0000

Dear Kristen Wiig,

Enough games. Let’s stop playing around, avoiding the issue and hiding behind our various defense mechanisms. I’m taking down the walls, Kristen Wiig, and lowering the mask. I’m putting all of my cards on the table. Just look at all those sexy cards.

Will you marry me?

I know. You’re shocked. I’m a little shocked, too. I mean, I never expected us to fall in love. I assumed I’d stay a notorious internet bachelor for the rest of my days, spending my time caught up in an erotic, naked whirlwind of supermodels and corndogs. That was before you, Kristen Wiig. When you were just in TV and Movies, I thought, you were off limits. But then you stepped onto the my turf, (the internet), with your delightful new web series, and I can only assume it’s because you wanted to be closer to me.
All you had to do was ask, Kristen.

Like most people, I stopped watching SNL once Horatio Sans left, but thank God I decided to check it out again on a whim. If I didn’t, I’d have missed you, Kristen Wiig, and I think we both know just how devastating that would’ve been. Between your hilarious, all-too-real SNL characters, your scene-stealing performances in a lot of recent hit movies, and your frequent award-winning appearances in my dreams, I’ve fallen nuts-over-balls in love with you, Kristen Wiig, and I don’t think it’s presumptuous of me to say that the feeling is mutual.

So come on. Let’s stop wasting time. Let’s quit dickin’ around like a couple of dicks, and let’s get married. For real.

Why should we get married? Great friggin’ question. If I was a poet, I’d construct a sonnet detailing the reasons why. As it stands, I write for Cracked.
So I made a list.

On Things We Have in Common:

We have so much in common, Kristen Wiig, that it would be irresponsible of us not to get married. We’re both moderately famous superstars, for one thing. You’re a busy actress doing interviews in Entertainment Weekly, and I’m an influential and respected internet humorist, doing interviews in the October 2008 issue of the Campus Free Press. (The Campus Free Press is like Time Magazine, but for the internet.) I know the ups and downs of fame, Kristen Wiig. I can relate and connect on a level that you’re average John Q. NotFamousOnTheInternet can’t.

Plus, we both like stealing. In an interview with David Letterman, you said that you moved out to LA after college and, because you didn’t know the area, you illegally ripped out a map of LA from a phonebook, so you could get around. I also moved to LA right after I graduated and stole a bunch of things, (a colander from Target, 6 DVDs from Hollywood Video, and one cat from my neighbor), within a week of living here! Look at us. A couple of lawless pilgrims, we are. *
Oh, also, you like to get naked and roll around in leaves, apparently.

I do this in my backyard on a fairly regular basis. Consider this your formal invitation to join me.

Marry me.

On My Qualifications:

Kristen Wiig I would be such a great freakin’ husband to you it’s not even funny. When you get home from work, I’ll listen diligently while you talk about your day. You want to vent about your coworkers? I’m here for you, baby. You want to tell a pointless, meandering story about an experience you had purchasing shoes? I find it very interesting, and I look forward to hearing more about it. Is there an attractive woman at work who makes you feel insecure? You’re much prettier than she is, plus I’ll tell everyone that she used to have a wiener. Did you have a hard day? Are you exhausted? There’s a list of things that my hands were made to do, Kristen Wiig, and orgasm-inducing-shoulder-massages is right at the top.

Wanna exercise together? I run every day, once beat up Kimbo Slice, and can do more sit-ups than there are numbers. If the incredible physical specimen that is my body isn’t of interest to you, you should also know that I’m extremely well read. I’ve been reading and studying forever and I apply the knowledge I’ve gained in my everyday life to solve problems and resolve conflicts. I’m like a deep-dicking Encyclopedia Brown, Kristen, I swear to God.

Also, Kristen Wiig, I’m really good with knots. Hell, I won’t undersell myself on this point: I am great with knots, Kristen Wiig. Legendary. So if you’ve got, like, fishing line or yarn or ribbon or something that’s all tangled and knotty, I guarantee you I’ll be able to straighten it all out for you. I know how frustrating tricky knots can be, but I have the patience, know-how and focus that the untying of a complex knot requires.

I’m not trying to be funny. There’s no double meaning and I’m not trying to imply anything sexual, here. I’m just naturally, freakishly gifted when it comes to knots, I always have been, and I thought you should know. Above average knot-skill is just another quality I bring to the table. Just got home from work and you’re annoyed because the laces of your running shoes got tangled up in your gym bag? You just leave that to me, sweetie. Daniel will take care of it; you go ahead and take a nice bath, I already started running the water for you. And here, I poured you a glass of wine. Relax. You earned it.
And by the time you get out of your bubble bath, the knots will be gone, thanks to my remarkably skilled hands!

Marry me.

This could be our wedding cake topper.

On My Experience:

When I was like 14 or so I dated this chick named Caryn who was a lot like you in both behavior and appearance. I’m not trying to make you jealous or anything, I’m just saying that I’m already fairly well versed in dating someone that is sort of like you, so getting married to someone who is you should be a pretty seamless transition. Plenty of guys probably want to marry you, but I’d wager that I’m one of the few who has actual relevant experience on his resume’.

When Kristen dressed up as Pam, my dick’s brain exploded.

Oh, and one other thing, just some ground rules. I am totally and uncompromisingly against having children, no matter what. I think babies are stupid, there are already too many people in the world, and I hate pregnant women, so I will never want to have children.
…
Unless, of course, you want children, in which case I’ll pump you so full of kids you won’t know whether to build a crib or a warehouse, Kristen Wiig.

***

So there it is, Kristen Wiig. You can leave your response in the comments below, or you can email me or you can just meet me at our wedding, this Sunday, (I think that’ll be best).
I invited all the Cracked readers, I hope that’s cool. Also I’ll be wearing a cape.

Hugs and Kisses, Stars and Wishes,
-Daniel.

* You also mentioned in that interview that you have a boyfriend. I’m choosing to ignore that, but only because I’m pretty sure you want me to.

“WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!”: How to REALLY Talk to Cops

Daniel O'Brien — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 12:00:05 +0000

Earlier this week, Ridelust posted this absurd article about how to deal with cops if you get pulled over. The article talks about your rights, the fifth amendment, what a cop is and is not allowed to do, and it has a handy little video and everything. It was pathetic.

My problem with Ridelust’s guide is that it’s so academic and by-the-book that it feels detached. Ridelust comes from a place of theory, I come from a place of experience. To date, I have been pulled over 9 times while driving, twice while walking, and once while sitting in a park.* So, while Ridelust’s guide might work on a Theoretical Level of how the world should be, my guide works on a Real Level of how the world is. Below is the true guide to dealing with cops as well as a neat little section dedicated to debunking several famous cop myths. Enjoy, my lawless readers!

Getting Pulled Over

When you see the familiar lights of a police car flashing in your rear view mirror, your immediate instinct is going to be speed up and try to lose him. Resist this urge. (Unless, of course, you’re pretty sure you can beat him.) Instead, pull over to the side of the road slowly. Traditionally, cops like to make you wait when they pull you over. According to a recent scientific study, it’s because they’re assholes. While they’re sitting in their car, making you wait, take the time to inspect the inside of your car. Is your seat belt on tight? Tighten it up! Is your radio on? Turn the volume down and switch it to a soothing, non-incriminating station. Do you have any provocative photographs of the police officer’s wife proudly displayed on your dashboard? Discreetly place them in your glove compartment, or down the front of your pants.
Once all of these “Trouble Spots” are taken care of, you’re ready to face the officer.

How to Talk to a Cop

Choose your words carefully. How you speak to a cop is extremely important. You don’t want to sound aggressive, or angry, because anything that a cop interprets as “hostile” can be grounds for any number of charges he can add on. Cops love trumping up charges. So, if you get pulled over for speeding and you speak too aggressively, suddenly the cop can give you a ticket for disturbing the peace, resisting arrest and public masturbation. (Note: Do not masturbate in front of a cop when he/she pulls you over. They hate that.)

Not that I’m saying you should be silent when pulled over. Remember, you are completely within your rights to demand an explanation as to why you were stopped. Just know that there’s a Right and Wrong way to do it.

Wrong: “You better have a good fucking reason for pulling me over, you shit eating bastard.” (Frowning, you extend your middle finger.)

Right: “Why did you pull me over, officer? Also, I’m curious, what kind of bastard are you, if you don’t mind my asking?” (You extend your middle finger and smile.)

Did you see what was good about the “Right” scenario? By asking the officer what kind of bastard he is, you show that you’re taking an active interest in his life, (he will appreciate this). Further, when you let him decide what kind of bastard he is, you avoid making any potentially inaccurate assumptions. Because you know what happens when you assume, right? You get your “ass” maced. Also, your eyes.

Additionally, notice how in the “Right” scenario, the driver smiles. Nothing brightens up someone’s day like a smile, even when garnished with a furious middle finger.
Here are some more examples of a few language traps you will undoubtedly run into when you get pulled over.

When Discussing Your Plans:

Wrong: “Can we move this along, Officer? I have to pick up your sister in time for the underage rape party.”

Right: “Take your time, Officer. I have nothing but respect for the law; You sister and the underage rape party can wait.”

When Handing Over Your Information:

Wrong: “It doesn’t say it on my license, but my middle name is ‘Cop-fucker’ and, if I thought your mouth was big enough, I’d shove the ole’ wiener right in there without hesitation. WESTSIIIIIIIIIDE!”

Right: “You have a very petite mouth that I’m sure some people find to be very attractive but sadly just doesn’t appeal to me. Westside.”

When Saying Goodbye:

Wrong: “Thanks for the ticket, asshole, your mother would be real proud if she wasn’t already dead and I wasn’t about to have sex with her corpse.”

Right: “Thank you for the ticket, Officer, I understand that you’re just doing your job. I’ll tell your mother’s corpse all about you while we fornicate later tonight, and again on your birthday.”

“Step Out of the Car”

If a cop asks you to step out of your car, it’s because he suspects that you have something illegal inside and, let’s face it, you do. Please be aware that you do not have to let any police officer search your car. When asked to step out of your car, you can politely say “I am not giving you consent to search my car,” as demonstrated in Ridelust’s video, or you can say “I ain’t steppin’ outta shit, all my paper’s legit,” as demonstrated in the Jay-Z hit “99 Problems.” (These are the only two choices.)

Your goal is to make sure he doesn’t, under any circumstances, search your car and discover whatever drugs/alcohol/small migrant family you’ve been smuggling. If he presses the issue and threatens you with jail time or openly wonders how “smart” you’ll be once the canines come, try to turn the tables. Ask to search his car. Point out that, if he didn’t have anything to hide, he wouldn’t mind if you looked around the car a little bit. Walk up to his car, open the doors and inspect in between the seats and complain about the smell. Discover marijuana, (or, failing that, plant some), and shake your head in disappointment. Read him his rights, throw him in the back of the police cruiser and, if you’re feeling frisky, maybe even call him the N-word, (unless he’s black). Take him to the nearest police station and attempt to book him. You will, of course, be unsuccessful, but everyone down at the station will have a big laugh about it, and he’ll be far too embarrassed to ever try to arrest you again. The boys at the precinct will never let him hear the end of this one.

Freeze!

A classic mistake that a lot of novices make is that they’ll try to distract a cop by waving frantically or setting off a few fireworks. The problem is that cops don’t understand bright lights, and the spectacle as well as the sound of fireworks makes them nervous, and confused. Also, they hate it when you wave. In either scenario, a cop will have no choice but to react aggressively which may result in serious damage to your car.

Never make a cop nervous.

Instead, when pulled over, remain absolutely still. No waving, no fireworks, don’t even say a word. Cops, as a rule, cannot see you if you don’t move. This in conjunction with their short attention spans means that, if you stay motionless, any cop will get bored and leave you alone after a few minutes. They may nudge and paw at you for a while, perhaps even inspect the contents of your automobile or picnic basket, (to check for narcotics or snacks, respectively), but they will eventually lose interest and scamper back into the woods.

“What’s That Smell?”

I don’t think I’m telling you something you don’t already know when I say that cops have an acute sense of smell. What you may not know is that if one cop catches the scent of another dominant cop on you, he will immediately stop hassling you. (Cops are extremely territorial.)

So, if you get pulled over, discreetly reach into your glove compartment, pull out the jar of Cop Urine that you have stored there, and completely douse yourself with it. This will inform your cop that you’ve been “marked,” and he will not want to challenge the marker for dominance, (cops live by a very strict code). This is just one of the many reasons that you should always keep at least one jar of cop urine in your car at all times.

Always in my trunk.

Famous Cop Myths Debunked!

There are a ton of myths and legends about cops that are simply not true. Hopefully, this guide will clear up some long-standing misconceptions.

Cops Have a “Ticket Quota” That Must Be Filled Each Month:
FALSE. A cop’s thirst for giving tickets is insatiable and therefore requires no outside motivation.

Cops Pull Over Red Cars More Often Than Cars of Any Other Color:
FALSE. All cops are inherently colorblind.

If A Cop Isn’t in Full Uniform, He Can’t Legally Arrest You:
FALSE. If a cop is trying to give you a ticket and you take his hat and put it where he can’t reach it, he is in fact more likely to arrest you. Ditto for pants.

You’re More Likely to Get a Ticket During the Winter:
FALSE. The winter is when cops hibernate.

If You Report a Cop For Being a Dick, He Will be Suspended:
FALSE. You can copy down an officer’s name and report him all you want, but it won’t do any good. If a cop treats you unfairly, the best plan of action is to take down that officer’s name, find out when he’s on duty, and then drive to his stupid house in Burbank while he’s working and have filthy, chimpanzee sex with his redheaded wife. This is called “Citizen Justice” or, sometimes, “Citizen Justice up the Butt.”

Cops Will Not Respect You If You Throw Garbage At Them:
FALSE. This is the only way to gain a cop’s respect and trust. (Please try this and tell me how it goes.)

Cops Are Allergic to Garlic:
FALSE. You’re thinking of vampires. Cops love garlic, and feeding it to them will only make them stronger.

If You Challenge a Cop to a Fight and Win, He Legally Can’t Give You a Ticket:
KIND OF FALSE. There is one cop in West Virginia who actually follows this rule, but there’s nothing legal about it and he rarely loses.

*True story. Two cops snuck up on me and claimed to be looking for someone who looked like me. I agreed that I did look like me, but I wasn’t who they were looking for. They apologized and told me to call the police if I saw anyone who looked like me, (but who wasn’t also me).

Leaked Excerpts from 15 Year-Old Miley Cyrus’s “Memoir”

Daniel O'Brien — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 12:00:45 +0000

If someone asked me to write a memoir when I was fifteen, I can’t imagine it would be all that inspiring. It would presumably include one chapter about how much I liked the WWF’s Degeneration X stable, one chapter about how unfair it was that my high school cafeteria only had corndogs, like, once every million years, and the rest of the chapters would have been dedicated to boobs, and how much I liked them. (Spoiler Alert: So much.)

Seriously, that would be my Memoir because it turns out that fifteen-year- olds don’t know anything about anything.

Still, despite logic, reason or good judgment, someone decided to hire Actress/ Singer/ Songwriter/ SnakeMonster Hannah Montana to write an autobiography, and, according to reports, she just finished. Now, devotees of the site will recall that, about a year ago, I began what some in the liberal media elite have dubbed an “unprovoked and inappropriate feud” with that bitch who plays Hannah Montana. How involved was this feud? Well, as evidence, every single letter in M i l e y C y r u s leads to a different blog post where I attack her.

Yes, even though we both said some mean things in the past, Miley decided to email me, probably against the wishes of every one of her bosses and relatives, to get my thoughts on this first draft of her autobiography, tentatively titled Unhinge Your Jaw And Swallow Happiness Whole: The Miley Cyrus Story.

So, below, for the first time ever, I have the official transcripts from Cyrus’ first book, and
I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told Miley: This book is terrible and you’re bad for America.

Probably not the cover of her book.

From Chapter Three: An Unforgettable Call

“The day Disney called me to tell me I’d landed the part of Hannah Montana was the most important day of my life. I can’t even imagine what my life was like before that moment. Literally. Disney’s team of scientists blasted me with a specific enzyme, (CaMKII), which erased all the memories I had prior to being cast as Hannah, so now I can’t access any of those early memories. Every once in a while, I get weird flashes of the life I used to have, like snapshots, but they never stay for that long. Sometimes I have dreams where I used to have a couple of sisters, but I never see them around, so… so I guess I don’t have them. Oh well. Reach for the stars, kids!”

From Chapter Six: BFFS!

“The actors that the studio hired to be my friends are okay, I guess. Sometimes I wonder if it would be better for me psychologically if I was allowed to grow up out of the spotlight and make friends naturally, and organically. Meeting people, bonding over common interests, learning how to compromise. That sort of thing.
But, in a way, doesn’t everyone have their friendships decided based on the whims of a powerful and unfeeling corporation, all in the interest of furthering their career? (I’m not trying to be deep or philosophical or anything, I’m just genuinely curious: Is that how friendships happen? I have no frame of reference.)”

From Chapter Twelve: Insanity Fair! Lol. No, But Seriously, This Was
Humiliating.

“One day, I worked with professional photographer Annie Leibowitz to shoot the cover of Vanity Fair. I’ve never heard of her, but my handlers assured me that I’m very honored to be working with her. We took a bunch of uncomfortable pictures that, personally, really bothered me. My handlers assured me that they were ‘tasteful and artistic,’ so when interviewers asked me about them later, that’s what I said. A few months later, my handlers assured me to admit that they were a mistake that I’m embarrassed by, so that’s what I said to everyone. Reportedly, I feel like this was a real learning experience for me, personally and professionally.

Even though I didn’t want to take this photo in the first place, I’m told that doing things I don’t want to do, (and then pretending I did want to do them and then, later, pretending I regret doing them), is all a part of being in the Disney Family. Oh well. I guess every teenager goes through a phase like this, am I right? Stay off drugs!”

From Chapter Eight: Text Mess!

“GROSS! UGH, I had the WORST DAY. I was texting at dinner tonight and Mom got mad, so she took away one of my cellphones! Can you believe that? I mean, I still had two other phones to text my bffs, but that was still totally unfair. I was sooo mad. Luckily, the good people at the Disney Corporation found out, returned my cellphone and banished my Mom to an underground Disney bunker where they keep Walt Disney’s frozen head, as well as some various pieces of Nazi paraphernalia. They assigned me a new Mom, and she’s much more ‘chill’ and laid back, you know? I think she’s gonna work out just fine.”

From Chapter 23: Miley Harvey Oswald

“In conjunction with an unclassified branch of the United States Government, the Disney Corporation had me go back in time and assassinate John F. Kennedy. Stay in school!”

From Chapter 25: Boy Toy!

“The Disney Corporation was nice enough to give me a boyfriend!! He’s a total hottie, I think he’s a model, and he’s real sweet, but also a robot. Disney was worried that I’d get all pregnant on them and they’d have another Spears mess on their hands, so they built and designed the perfect boyfriend for me. It’s nice to walk around and hold hands with him, but we don’t always agree on everything. Like, sometimes, I just want to cuddle on the couch and watch a movie, but all he wants to do is recharge his batteries and check for security updates. But I guess all relationships have their ups and downs. Believe in yourself!”

From Chapter 30: PICTURES!

“This is me performing at the Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards! Oh My God, so much fun.”

All photoshops courtesy of Randall.

Announcing the Candidacy of Plumber/Sixpack

Daniel O'Brien — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 12:00:23 +0000

This announcement was inevitable. Frankly, I’m surprised it took this long. These two possibly-real figures have been brought up in more speeches and on more news shows lately than Joe Biden. With all the attention that both Joe’s have been getting, it’s pretty clear that America, in general is more concerned about Plumber and Sixpack than anyone else on the planet.

They made their announcement late last night and we saw an almost immediate dramatic shift in the polls. The Joe Dream Team is now up by 15 points.

I recently sat down with the candidates so they could tell their stories, in their own words. Before we go any further, I’d like to point out that, when asked what party they’d be running under, Joe Sixpack said “Party…Til You Puke.” I asked him if he was referring to 2000 EP from Andrew WK and he stuck his tongue out and swung his head around, so to suggest that yes, he was.

Let’s meet our new candidates, shall we?

Joe The Plumber

Everybody’s been talking about me a lot lately, because of some stuff I said to Obama. I don’t really follow the polls that much, to be honest, but I assume that since everyone’s talking about me so much, they must want me to be president, so I’ll do that. What’s my campaign about? Money, mostly.

As I said in a recent Times interview that I was asked to give for no discernible reason, it’s my discretion who I want to give my money to, it’s not for the government to decide I make a little too much and so I need to share it with other people. That’s not the American dream. That is a belief I will hold until the day I die: The government doesn’t decide who I give my money to. I do.

Also, I’ve decided not to give it to anyone.

“I’d like to see you try to take my money, Senator Obama”

Senator Obama thinks of himself as a “Robin Hood” figure, taking money from the greedy, evil corporations and redistributing it to the peasants. Again, as stated in the Times, I resent being called a “peasant.” And if, as some have pointed out, Obama meant that I’m the greedy, evil corporation, I resent that, too. Hell, even if I’m supposed to be Robin Hood in this tricky, poorly-conceived metaphor, I’m still full of resentment. Basically I just don’t want anyone touching my money.

America, I’m a simple man. All I want in this life is all of the money in the world. That’s it. I want to be rich, and I just don’t want anyone screwing with my hard-earned toilet money. I’m just your average plumber earning a quarter of a million dollars a year, looking to expand my empire and make sure the government isn’t involved in any way. So what if I refuse to pay taxes and am not technically a licensed plumber? Should that stop me from being a plumber who wants the government to play fair? If I’m president, it will not.

This is, really, the only issue I can concretely say I’m running on. If elected, I promise the American People that no one will touch my money. Not a God Damn cent. The other issues, as well as your money, aren’t really concerns of mine. I only really get inspired to raise my voice when someone is indirectly suggesting that I should have less money than I think I should, which is to say, “assloads.”

“I’d like to see you try to take my money, banker from Deal or No Deal”

Joe Sixpack

Hey, I’m Joe Sixpack, and I think I should be your president, I guess. I don’t really think I’d be a good president, but according to the news, America wants “someone like Joe Sixpack” to be president, and I’m more Joe Sixpack than anyone I know, so I figured Hell, why not go with the real deal, you know? Got shit else to do.

Anyway, ever since she got the nomination, Sarah Palin’s been talking about how much she cares about Joe Sixpack, and everyone’s calling her The Joe Sixpack Candidate. As a response, it turns out that Biden’s pretty Sixpacky too, because he’s from a small town in Pennsylvania and often rides on the train, or whatever. Basically, Sarah Palin and Joe Biden are two people who claim to be very in touch with blue-collar, hardworking “Joe Sixpack types.”

Hey, here’s a thing. Let’s play a little game. Let’s say someone asked you to come up with a list of occupations that a blue-collar, hardworking “Joe Sixpack type” would have. I could come up with a few things. Carpenter. Construction Worker. Plumber, like my esteemed running mate, Joe. But you know what jobs wouldn’t make that list?

Governor and Senator.

Laying rat traps is a blue collar job. Cleaning out gutters is. Building stuff, that too. Being in charge of Alaska is not.

I don’t care what town you were born in; the second you show up on CSPAN wearing TV-makeup and expensive clothing, you’ve officially abandoned your right to call yourself the “Joe Sixpack Candidate.”

“This might be a shovel. Isn’t that blue collar? I just dig holes, like, all day. “

Oh, and let’s talk about riding trains, since that’s evidently an important factor in deciding who should lead our country. So, Biden rides trains to get from Point A to Point B. Great. But, if Point A is the floor of the Senate and Point B is an interview with Larry King, it doesn’t matter what you take to get there. If you load up a shopping cart with some kitchen appliance and push it around your mansion, does that mean you’re in touch with homeless people?

So, when you take a train—and then use it as a talking point—all it means is that you’re aware of just one superficial aspect of blue collar life.

Folks, I am not Joe Biden or Sarah Palin. I am Joe Sixpack. That is, legally, my name. My dad made me change it when I crashed his car. Something about not deserving the family name. I don’t quite remember. I was pretty blitzed. But ask yourself this: do you want a down-to-earth candidate, or do you want some rich, out-of-touch yuppy who does a good job at feigning down-to-earthness? If it’s the second one, you’ve got two options there.

If it’s the first one, vote for me. I’m Joe Sixpack. I work hard. I eat lunch and whistle at women who walk by. I take the train if I can afford it, but mostly I just wander around. I drink cheap beer out of an empty Jelly jar and I scream at my television when a black quarterback makes a mistakes. I gamble on dog fights. I might have a kid somewhere. Sometimes I just like to get drunk on a set of stairs and put on a hat I found. I’m just like you.

I’m aware that my running mate also said he’s running for president, and I’m cool with that. We’re both kinda running for president, I guess.

“We’re both kinda running for president, I guess.”

STOP SAYING JOE THE PLUMBER! Reactions to the Final Debate

Daniel O'Brien — Thu, 16 Oct 2008 18:11:20 +0000

Last night was the final Presidential Debate in one of the most talked about races in recent memory. Much more important, though was that last night was also the final Cracked Liveblog of the Presidential Debates. Cracked Columnists Gladstone, DOB, Ross and Swaim got together to bring you the kind of insightful commentary you won’t find on this or any internet, and we don’t think it’s going too far to say that every moment in human achievement pales in comparison to this remarkable event.
Suck it, CNN.

MCCAIN:Well, let — let me say, Bob, thank you. And thanks to Hofstra. And, by the way, our beloved Nancy Reagan is in the hospital tonight, so our thoughts and prayers are going with you.

9:04 PM Michael Swaim - He’s already pulling the “pray for Nancy Reagan” card.
9:04 PM Michael Swaim - He must be in a tight spot
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain was asked why his plan is better, and he’s not saying it.
9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - It goes without saying: Because he is older and whiter.
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - “McCain why is your plan better than Obama’s?” “Say, did you hear about Nancy Reagan?”
9:05 PM Dan O’Brien - Unless Obama’s plan somehow put Nancy Reagan in the hospital.
9:04 PM Hbn Gladstone - (Arriving late) Hi
9:05 PM Ross Wolinsky - Speaking of older and whiter, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Gladstone!

OBAMA: Well, first of all, I want to thank Hofstra University and the people of New York for hosting us tonight.

9:06 PM Ross Wolinsky - Obama did NOT express worry about Nancy Reagan. I guess I’m voting McCain after all.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - That actually makes me want to vote for Obama.
9:06 PM Dan O’Brien - I want a candidate that has the balls to ignore Nancy Reagan’s helpless cries.

MCCAIN:Senator Obama … what you want to do to Joe the plumber … I’ve talked to people like Joe the plumber … Now, my old buddy, Joe, Joe the plumber, is out there … We’re talking about Joe the plumber!

9:10 PM Michael Swaim - STOP SAYING JOE THE PLUMBER!!! OUR NATION IS NOT A METAPHORICAL BLUE COLLAR WORKER!
9:10 PM Dan O’Brien - Wait, is Joe the Plumber an actual guy?
9:10 PM Ross Wolinsky - That’s Joe Sixpack’s cousin.
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - This guy’s got the ear of everyone in power…he’s like his own shadow government!
9:11 PM Michael Swaim - On the plus side, our pipes will be snug and unclogged.
9:11 PM Hbn Gladstone - Democrats are declaring class warfare on plumbers?
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - Look, the plumbers have been dragging down this nation long enough and, frankly, I think we’re all a little sick of their bullshit.
9:13 PM Michael Swaim - Eatin’ mushrooms, savin’ princesses…it’s all just so glamorous.
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - Knew it was coming.
9:13 PM Dan O’Brien - I applaud us all for holding off on a Mario reference for so long.
9:14 PM Michael Swaim - That wasn’t a Mario reference; it was a reference to my friend Toph. One time he took a bunch of mushrooms and kidnapped a girl.

BOB SCHIEFFER:: Won’t some of the programs you are proposing have to be trimmed, postponed, even eliminated? Give us some specifics on what you’re going to cut back.

8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Net spending cut=”I’m going to cut stuff, but seriously…nothing you like. Like, shit factories. I’m not sure why we even still have them.”
8:16 PM Michael Swaim - Programs should work better. I’m collecting vague platitudes this debate.
8:17 PM Ross Wolinsky - “WE NEED NUCLEAR POWER” IS NOT A CUT!
8:18 PM Dan O’Brien - McCain wants to get a hatchet and THEN a scalpel. He’d be both a terrible doctor and a terrible carpenter.
8:19 PM Ross Wolinsky - “If I am elected, I will make sure that planetariums and other educational centers receive ABSOLUTELY NO FUNDING WHATSOEVER.”
8:19 PM Dan O’Brien - Seriously, what the fuck is McCain’s problem with Planetariums?

OBAMA: “I support charter schools and pay for performance for teachers. Doesn’t make me popular with the teachers union. I support clean coal technology. Doesn’t make me popular with environmentalists.”

8:24 PM Dan O’Brien -“Teachers, Environmentalists, at least one plumber, people who enjoy torture- They all hate me.”

MCCAIN:I watched the Arizona Cardinals defeat the Dallas Cowboys on Sunday.
… every other ad was an attack ad on my health care plan … that say that I oppose federal funding for stem cell research … I don’t … ads that misportray completely my position on immigration …

9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - McCain likes football!!!
9:30 PM Ross Wolinsky - Whoa… did he just go from football to stem cell research? He’s GOOD.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Quite a segue.
9:31 PM Dan O’Brien - To be fair, he’s senile. He has no idea.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - To IMMIGRATION.
9:31 PM Michael Swaim - Wow.
9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - It’s like stream of consciousness.
9:31 PM Ross Wolinsky - He’s basically doing beat poetry.

OBAMA: “the American people have become so cynical about our politics, because all they see is a tit- for-tat and back-and-forth.”

9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama just called us cynical.
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - Typical political bullshit.
9:33 PM Dan O’Brien - And then he said “Tit.”

MCCAIN: Let me just say categorically I’m proud of the people that come to our rallies.

8:33 PM Dan O’Brien - It should be stated that his rally crowd just booed him last week.
8:34 PM Dan O’Brien -“I find not-taking-my-bullshit to be quite an admirable quality.”

SCHIEFFER::Why would the country be better off if your running mate became president rather than his running mate?

8:41 PM Dan O’Brien - Joe Biden, even after elected in Delaware, would go on the radio on Sundays and talk about football. He was a terrific guy.
8:41 PM Ross Wolinsky -This is going to be amazing.
8:41 PM Michael Swaim - McCain can’t look at Obama because he knows in about two minutes he’s going to have to defend Palin to millions of people.
8:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - Predict
8:42 PM Hbn Gladstone - How many times will McCain say Maverick when describing Palin?
8:42 PM Dan O’Brien - I’m gonna say he’ll say Hockey Mom more than he does Maverick, and I’m willing to put money on it.
8:42 PM Ross Wolinsky - Price Is Right rules?

(MCCAIN BEGINS)
8:43 PM Dan O’Brien - I shoulda put up cash on “reformer.”

MCCAIN:In Iraq, he had this cockamamie idea about dividing Iraq into three countries.

9:46 PM Dan O’Brien - Jesus. Nothing will make you sound less like an old guy than saying “Cockamammy,” McCain.
9:46 PM Dan O’Brien -- I can’t even spell that word, it’s so old.
9:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - You’re darn tootin!
9:46 PM Michael Swaim - I refuse to believe that there was any time in history when someone said the phrase “cool hand on the tiller” in natural conversation and wasn’t on a boat.
9:46 PM Ross Wolinsky - McCain is doing the Lindy Hop… in his mind.

SCHIEFFER:: Would each of you give us a number, a specific number of how much you believe we can reduce our foreign oil imports during your first term?

(MCCAIN STARTS)

9:48 PM Ross Wolinsky - I think the first step is redefining “foreign.”
9:48 PM Dan O’Brien - Give a NUMBER. One fucking number. 2. 12. 37. These are all good numbers.
9:48 PM Michael Swaim - Numbers are campaign poison.
9:49 PM Michael Swaim - 8? KILLED the McKinley campaign.
9:49 PM Dan O’Brien - - 192.
9:50 PM Dan O’Brien - - See how easy this is?
9:50 PM Dan O’Brien - I just pulled that number outta NOWHERE.
9:50 PM Michael Swaim - Fuck it Dan. I know we’ve just talked about it in passing, but let’s DO IT. Let’s RUN.
9:50 PM Michael Swaim - We’ve got the numbers to back us up.
9:51PM Dan O’Brien - The kind of forward-thinking numbers this nation craves.
9:50 PM Ross Wolinsky - 2.
9:51 PM Dan O’Brien - Sorry, Ross.
9:51 PM Michael Swaim - Yeah, 2 is shit. Everyone knows that.

8:54 PM Hbn Gladstone - The automakers are getting hammered?
I thought it was me?
8:55 PM Ross Wolinsky - Cocaine: It powers our night clubs and financial sector. Why not our cars?
8:55 PM Michael Swaim - He’s promising me the car of the future. Oh, you seducer. Jetsons fooled me once, I won’t be fooled again.
8:54 PM Ross Wolinsky - Obama: WE NEED CARS THAT RUN ON COCAINE.
8:57 PM Michael Swaim - Which reminds me Jack, I want a rather large raise.

8:59 PM Michael Swaim - Obama, like me, wants the cheapest price on drugs. I identify.
9:01 PM Michael Swaim - McCain demands numbers. He’s LIFTING DAN’S PLATFORM!
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - - FUCK.
9:01 PM Michael Swaim -Dan, we’ve got to respond with a scathing political ad. Maybe imply he’s a zombie or something.
9:01 PM Dan O’Brien - “Imply?” We’ll just film him, wandering around feasting on brains. That footage probably already exists.
9:03 PM Michael Swaim -
9:04 PM Michael Swaim -See? That’s how quickly we can turn these around. I’m telling you Dan, we’d be foolish NOT to run. Do you know what they keep in the White House? As much candy as you can eat.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - Bullshit, because I can eat SO much candy.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - However much candy you think I can eat- Double it.
9:04 PM Dan O’Brien - That’s how much I can eat.

MCCAIN:The whole premise behind Senator Obama’s plans are class warfare.

OBAMA: Senator McCain talks a lot about earmarks.

MCCAIN: Senator Obama talks about voting for budgets.

OBAMA: Now … a couple of things Senator McCain said … has been disputed by everybody who has looked at this claim that Senator McCain keeps on making.

10:05 PM Dan O’Brien - This was supposed to be the face-to-face debate where candidates would have to be honest, and address issues. But all they’re doing is saying “Obama says this.” “No I don’t.” “Bullshit.” We still don’t know who to trust. How could we?
10:06 PM Dan O’Brien - I want to dress up like Santa and kidnap a president. That’s how abandoned I feel.
10:06 PM Michael Swaim - We have impressions. That’s about it. And I hate to break it to you, but that’s all anyone’s ever had since about 1800.
10:06 PM Michael Swaim - Before that, there were only about twelve people who could vote, so they got pretty in-depth information.
10:06 PM Michael Swaim - But now, forget about it.
10:07 PM Michael Swaim - We’re living in a country governed by our emotional reactions to billions of dollars of lies.
10:07 PM Michael Swaim - Quick, someone add a joke!
10:07 PM Ross Wolinsky - 8====D

SCHIEFFER:: In math and science competence … we trail most of the countries of the world. Some even say it poses a threat to our national security.

OBAMA:I think it’s going to be critically important for us to recruit a generation of new teachers, an army of new teachers

10:18 PM Michael Swaim - An “army of teachers” would definitely hurt our national security.
10:18 PM Dan O’Brien - And our education.
10:18 PM Michael Swaim - Unless they’re martial arts teachers.
# 10:18 PM Ross Wolinsky - It would also be the most boring horror movie ever.
10:22 PM Dan O’Brien - Obama is advocating the firing of bad teachers.
10:23 PM Dan O’Brien - I think “bad” is kind of risky. Because we had a European History teacher in my high school who knew dick-all about history, but she also would routinely have sex with students.
10:23 PM Dan O’Brien - And that’s an important part of education.
10:24 PM Dan O’Brien - I wouldn’t want to take that away from the students.
10:24 PM Michael Swaim - No Child Left Behind.

SCHIEFFER:: Now, for the final statements …

10:28 PM Michael Swaim - WARNING: ENTERING CLOSING STATEMENTS. FIRST EIGHT ROWS WILL BE SPRAYED WITH BULLSHIT.
10:28 PM Ross Wolinsky - If you need me, I’ll be nailing Jell-O to the wall.
10:29 PM Dan O’Brien - I’ll be nailing Palin against the wall.