The Most Irresponsible Science Lesson Ever Taught (Or I'm Sick And I Don't Want To Blog So Here's A Bunch Of Random Stuff On My Mind)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I wrote the following while battling a nasty ass flu. It's all just random thoughts. I make no apologies. Actually, one apology. I've seen the script toSwaim's Internet Party 3 and on behalf of Cracked I'd like to offer my deepest apologies.

So I gotta tell you. ThisHate By Numberstook a lot out of me. As you'll see it's more involved than any I've done previously. And now I'm tired. And I'm sick. I was suppose to go to New Jersey and help DOB pack, but I called him last night to let him know I was too ill for the journey. (Also, the only reason I offered to help in the first place was to sneak a pound of coke into his luggage so he'd be detained at the airport. But then I learned he was driving so...)

Anyway, I'm on my couch now, battling a cold, feeling like complete ass and wondering if i have anything amusing to say. Not really wondering. My throat is on fire. I have nothing amusing to say. Unless, you count me wishing that Wolinsky had this sore throat instead of me, but that's not that funny. Well, if you picture his beard it's a little amusing.

What else can I tell you? Oh yeah, THE THEME SONG OF HATE BY NUMBERS IS THE NIGHT BY MORPHINE. EVERYONE GET THAT?

What else? Oh, why do I respond to criticism? Several of you have asked me that. Good question. The answer: Because I'm a jackass. I'm the guy who gets pissed off by lots of stuff and categorizes it by number. Am i supposed to have the maturity to ignore trolls who attack me directly? Well, in any event, believe it or not. I'm getting better. And what can I say? I'm a chatty Cathy, and I enjoy the interaction with most.

What else? OH! Danny Gallagher, who used to write a bunch of stuff for The Week in Douchebaggery, found the clip I used for HBN this week. Thanks Danny. Oh, and I ripped a joke off from Matt Tobey who made a funny quip to me while I was explaining the premise to him. (Which joke? Whichever one you dislike. I only wrote the best ones.) Oh, and then there's Dennis DiClaudio! He had absolutely nothing to do with this post, but he did hold my hand and tell me I'm pretty the night I stayed up crying til 3 in the morning after 300 diggers were just oh so mean to me.

As long as I'm delirious and going through my lists, I should also mention Jack O'Brien and David Wong. Both have been really supportive of the show and filled with sage advice. Indeed, over the last several years, during Jack's brief bouts of sobriety and clarity, he's been really supportive of me in general. But for one shockingly insane moment when he passed up the opportunity to feature my Radiohead video, he's just been wonderful.

Oh, and as long as I'm thanking people. A big thank you to my neighbors, the Archers, for letting me traumatize their boy in this clip.

And lastly, a big thank you to those HBN boosters. I don't want to embarrass any readers by naming names, but biggirl4love and sexybigbeauties, your support has been truly breathtaking. I just hope you continue to find my comedy so manful.

What else? What else? Hmmmmm... OH!!! VIEWER ADVISORY ABOUT THIS CLIP: It features the worst haircut I have received since the 90s. It's truly frightening. And I apologize. I started to grow a beard as a distraction, but I shaved it.

Okay. I think that's it. I need to go cry now. Ouch.