AUTHOR’S NOTE: I wrote the following while battling a nasty ass flu. It’s all just random thoughts. I make no apologies. Actually, one apology. I’ve seen the script to Swaim’s Internet Party 3 and on behalf of Cracked I’d like to offer my deepest apologies.
So I gotta tell you. This Hate By Numbers took a lot out of me. As you’ll see it’s more involved than any I’ve done previously. And now I’m tired. And I’m sick. I was suppose to go to New Jersey and help DOB pack, but I called him last night to let him know I was too ill for the journey. (Also, the only reason I offered to help in the first place was to sneak a pound of coke into his luggage so he’d be detained at the airport. But then I learned he was driving so…)
Anyway, I’m on my couch now, battling a cold, feeling like complete ass and wondering if i have anything amusing to say. Not really wondering. My throat is on fire. I have nothing amusing to say. Unless, you count me wishing that Wolinsky had this sore throat instead of me, but that’s not that funny. Well, if you picture his beard it’s a little amusing.
What else can I tell you? Oh yeah, THE THEME SONG OF HATE BY NUMBERS IS THE NIGHT BY MORPHINE. EVERYONE GET THAT?
What else? Oh, why do I respond to criticism? Several of you have asked me that. Good question. The answer: Because I’m a jackass. I’m the guy who gets pissed off by lots of stuff and categorizes it by number. Am i supposed to have the maturity to ignore trolls who attack me directly? Well, in any event, believe it or not. I’m getting better. And what can I say? I’m a chatty Cathy, and I enjoy the interaction with most.
What else? OH! Danny Gallagher, who used to write a bunch of stuff for The Week in Douchebaggery, found the clip I used for HBN this week. Thanks Danny. Oh, and I ripped a joke off from Matt Tobey who made a funny quip to me while I was explaining the premise to him. (Which joke? Whichever one you dislike. I only wrote the best ones.) Oh, and then there’s Dennis DiClaudio! He had absolutely nothing to do with this post, but he did hold my hand and tell me I’m pretty the night I stayed up crying til 3 in the morning after 300 diggers were just oh so mean to me.
As long as I’m delirious and going through my lists, I should also mention Jack O’Brien and David Wong. Both have been really supportive of the show and filled with sage advice. Indeed, over the last several years, during Jack’s brief bouts of sobriety and clarity, he’s been really supportive of me in general. But for one shockingly insane moment when he passed up the opportunity to feature my Radiohead video, he’s just been wonderful.
Oh, and as long as I’m thanking people. A big thank you to my neighbors, the Archers, for letting me traumatize their boy in this clip.
And lastly, a big thank you to those HBN boosters. I don’t want to embarrass any readers by naming names, but biggirl4love and sexybigbeauties, your support has been truly breathtaking. I just hope you continue to find my comedy so manful.
What else? What else? Hmmmmm… OH!!! VIEWER ADVISORY ABOUT THIS CLIP: It features the worst haircut I have received since the 90s. It’s truly frightening. And I apologize. I started to grow a beard as a distraction, but I shaved it.
Okay. I think that’s it. I need to go cry now. Ouch.
Gladstone wants to be your special friend. Check out some more of his stuff HERE and OVER HERE and HERE TOO.
Last 5 posts by HBN
- CNN Thinks Gift Cards Are Complicated (or Contest Winners, Rankings and preparing for the end) - November 17th, 2008
- Twilight Looks Like Crap (or Announcing the Hate By Numbers Contest) - November 10th, 2008
- Japanese Cat Saves Local Economy (Or What Would Hate By Numbers Look Like Without Hate) - November 3rd, 2008
- Marcia Brady Has More Problems Than You'd Imagine (If you imagine that fictional characters are real) - October 27th, 2008
- What if WalMart Made a Movie (or Jack O'Brien works for a living) - October 20th, 2008
September 21st, 2008 at 10:38 pm
“Candy! But How?”
Haha, Johnny Archer is the man. Say, is there an address to go with that full name?
September 4th, 2008 at 10:34 am
This is sooo old… but I just have to say that this is, without a doubt, the funniest HBN you’ve done yet, Gladstone. Nice job. And I’m assuming you got better so… good job to your immune system.
July 19th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
OH yeah sorry Gladstone, these spambots are fickle as hell, turn on you quick as hell.
July 19th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
God kingmonkey+1 couldn’t you tell, with her red hair and fair skin, I figured it was obvious.
And to the above commenter “Shut up Ross’s mom”
July 19th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Nice article! I am a big-size girl and I also saw many big personals’ blogs, hot sexy photos&videos on UK big people dating club ___UKbigdate…c0m___! So many big beauties, big handsomes and their admriers mingle there for fun&romance!
July 19th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Gillian Anderson is black?
July 19th, 2008 at 8:57 am
i just saw that now. I’m completely demoralized. I trusted Candy. Do you understand that, Glendoor? I trusted her.
July 19th, 2008 at 8:06 am
Not even gonna justifiy all this with an answer, are you Wayne?
July 18th, 2008 at 10:49 pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!! Hey Gladstone what famous woman are you dating? Did you finally hook up with Gillian Anderson and not tell us? What kind of car did she buy you?
PS How does it feel to be insulted by a spambot? I can see if one of the spambot I have collected as friends will go whup Candy’s ass for you.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:47 pm
This guy is ugly!! He is dating a famous rich woman on the top sugar dating site ^Black s u g a r m o m m y^co m, and the nice car he drives was a gift from that woman. He can make a perfect sugarbaby!!!!
July 17th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
The song’s not that good anyway.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:09 am
I’ll admit, I expected a witty put-down from you Gladstone. But I’m just happy you noticed me!
July 17th, 2008 at 6:11 am
I just googled Kellerman. Really?
July 17th, 2008 at 1:33 am
You look kinda like Kellerman. (From Prison Break.)
July 16th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
yep great work gladstone, HBN seems to work really well with extra skit-type stuff. keep it up.
July 16th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
“Forsooth. That’s what we call in the business, a green screen defect. Thank you for pointing it out twice. I have no witty rejoinder or green screen mojo.”
BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, YOU FUCKING ATE THAT BOY’S ARMS, probably while enjoying a screening of “Reservoir Dogs”.
July 16th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
I’ll admit that I’m not a huge fan of HBN (though I’ll never bash it, I’m not so much of a douche that I’ll hate on a bit of free entertainment), but this one was fantastic. I guess little kids getting stabbed in the eye just warms my heart. Keep up the good work (and brutal disfigurement of the innocents)
July 16th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Hate By Numbers is getting better and better. If it keeps going like this, it’ll be as funny as King of Queens in no time. After that, it’ll be up there with funerals and chemo treatments.
So, yeah, keep up the good work.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
I know its been said but I will add one more: by far the best HBN yet! If this is what comes from not bashing fox news I say (begrudgingly, because I find it hilarious just seems other commenters do not) stop bashing fox news. Also the segment outside the “bar” was quality, glad to see your adding more weapons to the HBN arsenal. Well done, sir!
July 16th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Dan the man obviosly is involved with scat p0rn, cause the way he keeps hanging out around here suggests that he really enjoys the taste of shit.
Btw gladstone this was the best thing I have ever seen.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Forsooth. That’s what we call in the business, a green screen defect. Thank you for pointing it out twice. I have no witty rejoinder or green screen mojo.
July 16th, 2008 at 8:38 am
MAPLEBANG!!!!!!!
July 16th, 2008 at 8:33 am
While a bunch of folks are on the subject of lavishing praise and offers of physical and emotional relationships to Gladstone, allow me to add my own. If you keep making such good HBN segments, I will give you many hugs and platonic french kisses.
July 16th, 2008 at 7:53 am
Argh! Don’t ignore me for Dan the Man’s homophobic rants and tiny penis! Answer my question about what you did to little Johnny’s arms!
Ohmigosh, did you eat them? Is that what made you sick? Raw boy-flesh?
July 16th, 2008 at 5:46 am
For clarity, i was sick during the blog post writing not filming. And sorry. I’ve taken all the old Boiler Room news offline.
July 16th, 2008 at 4:04 am
Best hate by numbers ever.
You didn’t seem sick at all. Well not physically. We’ve all known that you’re mentally ill for a while now… It’s why we love you.
July 16th, 2008 at 1:42 am
If you want to see Gladstone with a beard there is an episode of the now cult classic, Boiler Room News, in which he sports one. Google Boiler Room News
July 15th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
If you grow a beard and continue this stream of videos then wont you simply become Ross 2.0?
July 15th, 2008 at 9:57 pm
You should grow a beard. You looked like a rugged manly man and I will win your heart before Hot Chick does.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I love you Gladstone! I will marry you one day in California.
July 15th, 2008 at 9:00 pm
i like this topic,and i like to check out the site —–Blacksugarwoman.com
July 15th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
Do we have to?
July 15th, 2008 at 5:19 pm
You should see me with dysentery and a full beard.
July 15th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
Even though you were sick, you are much better looking with the week old facial stubble!
July 15th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
Thanks Dan the Man!
I mean almost everyone else.
July 15th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Best HBN yet.
July 15th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
This is clearly the best HBN yet, and I love HBN. More importantly, though, there is the question of that mysterious, bewitching - yes, even hypnotic theme music. Where does it come from? What is it called? Maybe it’s something humans were just never meant to know.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Res_Ipsa, your (not “you’re,” Dan,) penis?
This is all in the interest of $%#@ science, of course. But can other objects replace the fork for the purposes of candy retrieval? Perhaps some objects are less likely to produce licorice and more likely to produce skittles?
July 15th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Wiglaf–I’m working on it. I tried stuffing it into my computer and now it’s making a strange hissing noise. I’m going to assume that means that it’s uploading it to the Internet, where everything is possible!
July 15th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
Thanks for the points, RobotJesus!
I wonder if penises have ever caused blunt trauma.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
points to Wiglaf for being named after a character from Beowulf
July 15th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
Kingmonkey is right Gladstone. You need to get a kid and play styled easer hairstyle
July 15th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
meh.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
wow.
Gladstone, not only are your vidoes giggly and magical, they have also spawned teh greatest flame war ever on a Cracked Blog commenting section.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:51 am
How do I get some beer and chips and salsa from your (not “you’re,” Dan) fridge over the internet, Res_Ipsa? I’m with Kingmonkey on this.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Glendoor–actually, I think that might be Dan’s next project.
“your not funny Gladstone.” — Tsk, tsk. Someone wasn’t listening. Does Gladstone have a “not funny?” No. That’s incorrect. You’re trying to say “You’re [you are] not funny.” I guess it’s give a troll-er a cookie, and he or she will take the English language and rape it.
In other news, my girlfriend just sent me this:
(11:29:23 AM) S*********a Y**: Hehe. Um. You sleep with me more than one night. Wait. Would that make you or me the hooker? Eww. How about we just kill hookers and get paid?
Yes, that’s right, my girlfriend has “converted” to my love of dead hookers. It’s like sharing the birth of a baby, or getting your (not “you’re,” Dan,) first house; it’s a cause for celebration. I brought beer and chips and salsa for everyone. They’re in the ‘fridge.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:33 am
BTW, I altered Dan’s name only because I prefer alliteration to rhyme.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:31 am
Dan the Dick (previously known as “Man”) says: “That’s like telling a retatrded person their a real person and their feeling matter.” [sic]
I just wanted to recap while we were correcting grammer.
Great HBN, Gladstone. However, I must agree with RobotJesus when he asked “Why did you say blunt trauma when you were describing a fork stab to the eye?” I suppose compared to a samurai sword or a box cutter, a fork is “blunt”, however, usually “blunt” is used to refer to things like bats, tire irons, 2 x 4’s, and Dan the Dicks.
Just saying. Then again, you are mocking a TV show that doesn’t seem to pay much attention to details…other than the @#$@%# science part of it that is. So it works.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:16 am
I could really give a shit for either one, I don’t get this whole trolling bullshit anyway. I mean you act like an asshole in the hope that someone will call you an asshole and then state how fucking brilliant you are? It really takes no talent.
It seems kind of like to me running around on a busy street intentionally hoping to get hit by a car and when you do screaming at the top of your lungs to people who really don’t want to fucking hear it any way that you are a fucking genius.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:13 am
your not funny Gladstone. Stop it. Please for the love of god !!!
July 15th, 2008 at 10:22 am
I like the fake “Dan the Man” better. Funnier. Less homophobic.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:48 am
@kingmonkey- It was a metaphor. Meaning that Ross was all over my junk. He likes me. He responds to me with every post of his.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:47 am
How cute, I have a clone. Still doesnt change the fact that HBN sucks donkey dicks and Gladstone needs to be beaten to death with wiffle ball bats.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I once got a blowjob over the internet, it was quite odd.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:54 am
I’m still a bit confused by one of Dan’s earlier comments. How can someone give you a blowjob over the internet? If there’s technology out there for this, why wasn’t I notified?
July 15th, 2008 at 6:08 am
I have viewed many of their hooott intimate videos and photos at~~~((((~~B l a c klatinmeet. c o m ~~~))))~~where many fans are together, also i’v meet kinds of black and white single men who are hunger for true love online
July 15th, 2008 at 1:56 am
More HBN plz.
July 15th, 2008 at 1:54 am
I just want to apologize for trolling you guys. I haven’t been myself ever since my mom and dad have shortened my curfew to 10:00pm! 10:00pm!! You can’t do shit before that! My gf of nearly two weeks is pissed off at me b/c I can’t see her every damn day. I guess she can’t get enough of me. And on top of that, I’m in Summer school, which sucks. So again, I am sorry for trying to be an internet tough guy. I was trying it out to relieve some frustration, but I guess I fail at that as well.
July 15th, 2008 at 12:01 am
oh man licorice sucks
July 14th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Soooo Gladstone, Is there a way for specific candy to come out of one’s eye?
Because I stuck a fork in my eye and got Twizzlers and I despise licorice.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Well thanks to the majority of you who really liked this one. This was hands down my favorite HBN. Unseating Kid Rock, Love Guru, and FoxNews Lotto. Glad we’re in sync. (except those who hate me)
July 14th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
If I were by the CDC I would check with them every day. Because, ya know, I bet they have good snacks for the employees and such. As for warming up for the bar, this is better described as procrastinating . . . I should be reviewing the Federal Rules of Evidence today. Feh, I say, feh.
Girls are pretty awesome, although not all of them smell nice. But it’s really nice when they do, and boobs are an added nicety. They make nice pillows. Except when they are in Memphis for the entirety of the summer *grumble grumble* . . . not cool.
We should give Gladstone a trophy for today’s HBN. Anyone know of a good trophy-place? The figure on the top can be a kid with a fork stuck in his or her eye, and candy coming out of . . . well, somewhere.
You guys crack me the fuck up; I love it.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
*Slow clap* gold… Just gold Res_Ispa… but HBN was platinum today. Great job Gladstone, great job
July 14th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
R_I is warming up for the Minnesota bar; can you tell? Get ‘em, son. No, Laura doesn’t have SARS as far as I know (though despite being right down the road from the CDC I haven’t checked with them lately). But she’s a girl, and girls smell nice and have boobs. That makes hugs more important.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
This was hilarious, Gladstone, but could you please tell us what the theme song is? I’ve been wondering for weeks.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
Aww. *blushes and bows* Thanks, Nails. I also had fun doing it, and isn’t that what truly counts?
July 14th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
I must say, Res_Ipsa, that was perhaps the greatest retort to a trolling douchebag that I’ve ever read. Well played!
July 14th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
J-Pappi: “And Laura’s hugs are not to be taken lightly.”
Why?!?! Does she have SARS?!?! Or is she gravity?
I apologize, I seem to be a bit more insane than usual.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:45 pm
SCIENCE DAMN IT GLADSTONE WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST SCIENCE WHAT HAS IT EVER DONE TO YOU EXCEPT OH YEAH WITHOUT SCIENCE YOU MIGHT HAVE WHALE AIDS OR SOMETHING.*
Or not. Sorry about that, CAPS LOCK was possessed. By science.
a) I think people are right–this is the funniest HBN yet. Does being sick make you hate more? What a trade-off! Maybe next time you do a HBN, you should get a sickness that is easily curable by antibiotics. That way, you can be at your most hateful and then clear it up right after! (Zithromax, baby. Oh wait, that’s right–YOU HATE F**KING SCIENCE! Oh, dear.)
b) Dan the Man . . . if you hate this so much . . . why are you still watching it? Or posting comments? Why don’t you do your own HBN and show everyone how hilarious you are? Furthermore, P-S Ross was trying to educate you on the English language. When you said, “Oh and your gay and like to gobble men’s nuts..” you used improper grammar. “Your” is a possessive word, like “my” or “his.” You were suggesting that P-S Ross possessed “gay.” You meant to say “You are gay,” which, properly put into a contraction, would be expressed “you’re gay”–not “your gay.” Furthermore, you either tried to end your (not “you’re”) sentence with a period, or an ellipsis (…) but failed. In addition, “arse” is the actual proper curse word which became Americanized as “ass.” If you ever ventured beyond the U.S. you’d find that lots of people use “arse,” as that, the original curse word, was never Americanized outside of, well, America. I must also mention that you can only “gargle” liquids–look it up–unless you’re (not “your”) talking about speaking in a “gargling” fashion. The reason why I took time to explain this to you is that all your (not “you’re”) comments point to one of two things: 1) You’re (not “your”) a non-native English speaker, and therefore you are not fluent in English and don’t get the subtleties of the language; or, 2) you never made it past the eighth grade, as every damn school in this damn country would teach you the your/you’re distinction by that time, along with subjects such as verbs, nouns, and the like.
Anyway, I suspect you will respond with some sort of irrelevant ad hominem attack, probably working your repressed sexual confusion into it by attacking some aspect of my sexuality and/or suggesting I perform certain sexual acts. It’s okay; I won’t take it personally. I know that your ad hominem attacks merely cover up your inability to actually converse and debate logically and maturely, like a normal human being. I also suspect that you may be 13. Slow down, take a deep breath, and have a cookie. Hell, have two. If you don’t like Gladstone, you can always go look at LOLCats, or go vent that pent up frustration by masturbating whilst crying. I’m sure you’re just envious that no one wants to lick the left side (or was it right) of your face. And, by the way, admitting that you’re trolling doesn’t make you seem any smarter (or P-S Ross any dumber). In fact, it just makes you look like even more of a loon. It’s like a funny post hoc rationalization for your inane and English-poor comments. “Oh wait, I’m not being an arse (ass)–I’m just trolling! I swear, I did this on purpose! Really! So, um, ha ha, the joke’s on you . . . does anybody believe me?” If his continued responses confuse you, think of it this way: in baseball, when you’re (not “your”) at bat, you want to be able to hit the ball very well, have a good stance, swing, etc., etc. So you practice in a batting cage–yes, you’re not going to score points as you’re not in a game, but it’s a good way to hit the ball. Now, let’s use that as a metaphor. We’ll say the “baseball game” is, say, P-S Ross and I engaged in a lively debate about the merits of realism and liberalism in international relations theory. And you, good sir, are a batting cage. Nothing more. So deflate that ego of yours and don’t read too much into comments that take 30 seconds to make. We’re not really wasting that much time on you. (I timed this at two minutes–and I was watching TV at the same time.) Vaya con Dios, and the like.
* (If it, like, killed your mom or something, I do apologize.)
July 14th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
I’m pretty sure Ross isn’t gay, but if he is he’s in England so it’ll likely go unnoticed (sorry, bro; can’t help it whenever I’ve got an open shot at the Limeys…even though they’re hilarious they still killed and oppressed most of my ancestors).
Well done again, Gladstone; we’ll make a comedian out of you yet. And Laura’s hugs are not to be taken lightly.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I, too, want to know what happened to little Johnny’s arms.
And it seems like he said the wrong curse word at the end…
July 14th, 2008 at 7:52 pm
God Damn it Gladstone, why haven’t you killed yourself for the shit you put out. You should be ashamed about how unfunny you really are.
July 14th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
Wait a second. Ross. You’re gay? How could you?
July 14th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I think it’s funny as shit that everyone but you, Ross, knows I’m trolling. And you keep biting and biting (like you do on a penis)
July 14th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
Who said “Dan, your gay?What the hell?”
and what exactly is a ” You’re’ “?
Please make sure you have proper sentence structure before you make fun of someone else.
p.s. you still like to gargle nuts and I hate HBN starring Gladstone.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Dan, your gay? What the hell?
I don’t think that’s a proper sentence.
‘You’re’ an insecure retard, please stop talking before you embarrass yourself further.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
What the hell is an arse? Is that how a pirate with a speech impediment say “R”?
July 14th, 2008 at 6:34 pm
All this gay talk is making me horny.
In fact, I love HBN so much that if Gladstone wanted to sodomize me until my arse bled, I’d totally let him.
Mmmm… blood-drenched sodomy… *drool*
July 14th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Oh and your gay and like to gobble men’s nuts..
July 14th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Fox news, Ross? Why don’t you call me a Bushie, then Goodwin the thread by calling me a Nazi. Then we can have a Liberal mantra trifecta in play !!!
No blood for oil, and all that.
And I will continue to comment about HBN until Gladstone apologizes for creating it, then performs Seppuku to regain his honor and the honor of his family. Not a minute sooner.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:11 pm
Wow, words out of context, consider being a Fox News pundit any time soon?
Oh and how intellectual, using my own exact method against me in order to shame me into retreating because I’m obviously trying to cover something! Oh and I’m merely pointing out that coming on and insulting a blogger is just being a pain in the ass. We get it, you have a grudge against Gladstone, you don’t need to post another goddamn comment telling us that fact, we got it the first time.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
God I hate HBN and wish Gladstone would go out to the nearest highway and give the first semi-truck he see’s coming straight at him a giant hug..
July 14th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
By the way Ross, Im mocking you not coming on to you.. I don’t want to confuse you again. I realize this is a confusing time for you coming to grips with you feelings for other men and all.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Wow Mr. Ross. You sure showed me up in such a rational well reasoned manner, What more is left to say. I guess I’ll tuck my tail run now.
Although you sure used “cock” alot and with suck energy and delight, Im wondering if you really are “off being attracted to women”
Are you defending Gladstone’s honor because you think I’m insulting your life partner?
July 14th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Another great hate by numbers. haven’t been let down yet.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Cock sucking? No no, I was off being attracted to women, ever familiar with that concept?
Kinda funny you accuse people of doing something you originally thought up in the first place, meaning you’re a sick homo fuck who wants to make guys suck his cock.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
If anyone really thinks that Gladstone isn’t funny, and HBN sucks, why dont you go make a “Hating-Hate-By-Numbers” and do better. Link it in next week’s HBN’s comments.
On a side note, I’m still laughing about the eyes being Nature’s Candy Shop. =P
July 14th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
No, Im pretty sure its Mr. Ross. I can tell by the distinct whinning/ gargling sound coming from Mr. Ross’s IP.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Dan if you would put your glasses on and take your special pills you would realize that that is your dog , not Mr Ross that has its mouth on your penis.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Thank you again Mr. Ross. Now if you’d kindly remove your mouth from my penis, We can get on with hating gladstone and his HBN suckfest.
July 14th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I think the left side of your face is much funnier than your right.
And I’m glad you FINALLY cleared up who does the theme song.
July 14th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
My name’s Ross, not Mr Ross, please learn to read.
July 14th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Thank you for your input Mr. Ross. If you’d direct that focused criticizm to what matters (like making sure HBN never sees another episode) then I think Gladstone would finally see he isnt funny.
July 14th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Sure Dan, let’s encourage you to stop inhaling oxygen.
Go on, hold your breath, hold it for 3 minutes at most, I promise you’ll begin to see the world in a whole new light.
July 14th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
Horrible. You people encouraging Gladstone with your “lol A++++ would laugh again” comments should be ashamed. You dont encourage this kind of behavior from someone who isnt funny. That’s like telling a retatrded person their a real person and their feeling matter.
HBN should be picketed by Fred Phelps as proof God hates homos.
Gladstone needs to be mocked and ridiculed for his shameful videos and not praised.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
What happened to Johnny’s arms?
July 14th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
These get better with each installment. Well done, sir.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
and I loved this HBN, kids with forks are f*cking awesome!
July 14th, 2008 at 1:07 pm
oh my.
July 14th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
when I saw the left side of your face, I realized it wasn’t the greener grass, it is the intense lickableness of your left side.
July 14th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Simply awesome. Gladstone’s humor has passed from the realm of I’m-really-bored-let’s-see-what’s-on-cracked to spewing-on-my-keyboard hilarious. Kudos!! Get sick more often.
“WHAT????”
That one really cracked me up.
July 14th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
The eye-stabbing was so funny that you made me comment. You MADE me. You unfeeling, hilarious bastard. May your barber’s Parkinson’s disease continue to flare up like hellfire every time you find yourself in his chair.
July 14th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
Awesome
July 14th, 2008 at 11:40 am
LOL
July 14th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Wow Gladstone, I didnt know anyne could get ass flu, yet another groundbreaking achievement congratulations
July 14th, 2008 at 11:30 am
You know, that comment about staying up til 3am was funny to me for entirely different reasons. In the town where I was born we had a soccer team for the mentally handicapped called the Diggers. When you mentioned the 300 diggers, all I could picture was a team of retarded soccer players dressed as Spartans, making fun of you. That would be surreal.
I’m thinking, if you can grow your hairdo upwards, trimming the sides, you could easily sport a good Kid ‘n Play hair flat top!
July 14th, 2008 at 11:04 am
could you go after x-play in the next hbn? they could stand to be taken down a few pegs…
July 14th, 2008 at 11:03 am
The Man is still holding down Gladstone I see.
Fight the power Wayne, fight the power.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:43 am
For the love of Christ, Why do you still have a position at cracked? HBN has to be the absolute worse thing on the internet. Thanks for another 3 min of pure crap. I get so enraged, I want to strangle a baby everytime I see you have posted another HBN and not died the night before in a hail of gunfire.
I hope your cold kills you.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:33 am
Mucus and stubble seem to be working in your favor this week. Keep up the good work.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Best Hate By Numbers to date; apparently, flu-induced decrepitude is your muse. The bit at the end was priceless.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:05 am
This is arguably the funniest HBN so far. Why did you say blunt trauma when you were describing a fork stab to the eye?
July 14th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Have you considered saying in the credits that the theme song is The Night? Most TV shows tell you who did their theme song in the credits.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:03 am
wow. i’m not sure what i have more of: reader love or mucus filling my sinus membranes.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:58 am
me thinks little johnny has a successful cracked career ahead of him. he should start saving up on rubbers now.
excellent hbn, wayne. LauraJadeth, i have special connection with wayne, too. i can call him wayne.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:50 am
No way Gladstone, you’re ill?
*hugs*
yeah that’s right, i can hug Gladstone. We have a special connection. Be jealous all of you.
Jealous.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:50 am
Kudos all around. Truly well done. Mr. Wizard would be proud. Or rolling in his grave. Hey, is Mr. Wizard still alive?
July 14th, 2008 at 9:50 am
btw, that photo and this vid proves to the world that i have a left side to my face.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:33 am
I’m not going to feel sorry for you because for someone who’s sick you are way to photogenic in that picture! Meanwhile I look like I’m battling malaria in all my pics. Damn you!