If you’re like me, you prefer to enjoy the Cracked blog with a morning “Megamuffin,” a muffin of your own creation studded with cookie dough, baked into a candy shell, and swimming in chocolate sauce. Then you like to make yourself throw up, look in the mirror, and weep bitterly while pinching rolls of fat on your arms and belly. Ah, now we’re feeling awake and refreshed.
Well pinch no more! Or at least less vigorously. A new study out of Israel suggests that saturated fat may not be so bad for you after all. Of course, this could just be another Jewish ploy to put some meat on that skinny tuchus of ours. And while I usually complain about science’s constant revisions of what is healthy or not, this one I can stand behind. Anything that justifies my love affair with the Butterfinger can’t be wrong.
As far as I can see, there’s only one problem that could arise out of this development, namely a societal backslide into Roman-style decadence. In an age when most of the world perceives Americans as grotesque pigs, giving us license to enjoy our saturated fats could well result in something utterly unholy, like people just taking shots of cake frosting and thinking that that’s okay.
What? That’s already happened? Someone’s probably sucking down a shot of vanilla cream as we speak? Dear God.
It’s true. You know those annoying cutesy gourmet cupcake shops that have been enjoying a resurgence in the Pacific Northwest? The ones with “cakery” in the title and patronized by yuppie computer programmers who never got the hang of coffee? Apparently they’re on a mission to destroy us all.
See, there’s nothing wrong with a man enjoying something like the Megamuffin in his own home, especially if that man is me. But publicly avowing that “yes, we sell tiny cups of frosting for people who want the taste of the cupcake, but without all that bread,” is the kind of thing terrorist recruiters use in their Get To Know The Great White Satan pamphlets.
We’ve got an image to maintain, people, and doing so has graver consequences than ever before. The frosting shot doesn’t just depress the Ugandans, it pisses off people bent on our destruction. People who were just kind of considering a career in suicide bombing, saw a photograph of a bunch of college co-eds taking frosting shots at their local cakery, and said “fuck it. Strap on the dynamite.”
They use dynamite, right? I get most of my explosives knowledge from old Warner Bros. cartoons.
For all our sakes, boycott the frosting shot. The good news is, with saturated fat in the clear, you’re free to go home and squeeze a tube directly into your mouth. Just draw the curtains first.
And while we’re at it, there are a few other affronts to decency we should probably stop eating as well. But hey. I’m not here to lecture anyone.
Tell you what, we’ll make it a game. I’ll provide a fictional but fitting origin story, and you try and guess what American eat-trocity I’ve got in mind. Ready?
The disgrace in question? The Double Stuff Oreo.
The disgrace in question? The cheese-injected hot dog.
The disgrace in question? The fried macaroni-and-cheese ball.
The crash killed three, but their screams were but the first cries of a new food being born.
The disgrace in question? The Choco Taco.
The disgrace in question? The deep-fried Snickers bar.
So please, feel free to eat all of these things at one sitting, just sit somewhere indoors, and when you’re done, try and squeeze out a few salty tears of shame.
You know, for show.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael is perfecting his space-age out-of-this-world moon waffles as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Thursday, July 24th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under America, Food, Frosting shots, Science, saturated fat, the war on terror. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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May 14th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
I try and make a post criticizing the use of the ‘fluffer’ urban legend FIVE TIMES and it won’t post anything. Censorship! Censorship, I say!
May 14th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
?
March 11th, 2009 at 1:34 am
Dear God I have eaten all of these culinary abortions. *shame*
December 16th, 2008 at 4:20 am
Deep fried Candy Bar = Scottish Invention.
You guys may think you’re fat but the Scottish have made it an art form.
August 12th, 2008 at 8:02 am
Serty, no one’s saying all Americans are fat, we’re just saying that, like, 30-40% of you are fat. I know that in Casnadia, things aren’t much better as we tend to follow American trends. Not me, though, I’m a lean, mean, 320-lb fighting machine!
August 11th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
I have to point out that, considering the nature of the world, making fun of fat people is quite odd. Having excess food suply sugest wealth and power in the animal kingdom and ancient civilizations… But that might not apply to humans of todays world.
Fried Oreos = absolutley amazing!
August 7th, 2008 at 1:19 am
I’m so glad there are some people pointing out that not all of America’s gross fat fried creations were created here.
It totally bugs me when people say all Americans are fat..like the rest of the world has no fat people.
On the topic of vegans..I know fat vegans. They eat vegan crap, instead of regular crap.
On topic, I’ve never eaten any of those :p But then again, I hate the fairs here, so probably that’s why.
….
How do you fry Coke? I don’t get it, even if it’s the syrup…
August 6th, 2008 at 9:49 am
I strongly suggest you get more from the hot cougar dating club called Cougarlove.com, a nice and free place for Older Women and Younger Men to interact with each other. It’s fabulous.
August 5th, 2008 at 11:38 am
The frosting shot could quite possible be the worlds most perfect food if only it had a little (ok a lot) of Kahlua blended in
August 5th, 2008 at 10:29 am
Here in the south we have deep-fried dill pickles. They are delicious!!!
August 3rd, 2008 at 11:09 pm
god this is one of the best comments sections on this site… o btw, up here in wisconsin the motto aint “deepfry the fuck outta it” like the rest of the world, its “drench it in cheese, wrap it in bacon and then deepfry the fuck outta it’
August 1st, 2008 at 7:31 am
You are right, Jessy.
Hello, my name is kingmonkey, and I’m a cinna-holic.
July 31st, 2008 at 11:09 pm
Flint- The sombrero sounds delicious- you have nothing to be ashamed of!
Glendoor: The campbell’s soup thing sounds disgusting, but I’ll take your word on that one. I’ve cooked weird shit as well that wound up tasting good.
Lishylushy: By talking about the cinnamon sticks, you’ve got me on a whole new tangent;
CINNABON!!!! That shit’s crack to me. I don’t let myself eat there more than like twice a year, cause it’s akin to eating cake for breakfast, but when I do eat there, it’s sex, cocaine and heaven all rolled into one sugary, frosted lump of pastry. Amiright?
July 31st, 2008 at 11:27 am
Oh, and maybe add some exercize to your list, Julia.
Am I the only one getting ads for BBW dating sites?
July 31st, 2008 at 12:31 am
saturated fats are fine in reasonable moderation, but its the sugar thats in most saturated fat filled products thats turning us in to Jabbas. So yeah, feel free to drink that full cream milk and theres no reason to buy low fat yoghurt or cheese unless you like the taste of crud, but try to avoid that 6 litre tub of icecream in one go. And avoid trans fats.
July 30th, 2008 at 4:08 am
OOH YOU MAKE ME LIVE OOH YOU MAKE ME LIVE
thats the right song rite???
July 29th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Do I hear a chorus of Queen’s You’re My Best Friend coming on? I think I do.
Once again, Swaim has been the catalyst for understanding and acceptance.
July 29th, 2008 at 9:26 am
If haven’t fought you for sleeping with my wife, I’m sure as hell not gonna fight over a point of grammar.
July 29th, 2008 at 7:50 am
A pun usually is based on a double-entendre…
Oh, let’s not fight, glendoor42. We comment here to share our wit with the other bloggers. Let’s use our crippling need to be liked for good instead of evil.
July 29th, 2008 at 3:30 am
Yes my anus is self aware
July 29th, 2008 at 3:26 am
When i went to hawaii i had a great time for food (i pretended not to enjoy taco bell) but i had fried ice cream at a chinese restaurant and later that week i had a BR brownie sundae BEFORE eating taco bell for dinner. BEST WEEK EVER says my fat ass
July 28th, 2008 at 11:46 pm
Huh?……..The hooked line was actually a pun if you were gonna get real technical.
July 28th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
Working in tandem will get you nowhere; y’all know what I meant as surely as you missed it. Try your “grammar” rules on a younger and less suspecting “noobie” blogger.
July 28th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Maplebang!!!!!!
July 28th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Oh J-Pappi… when will you learn? That’s not irony, that’s a double-entendre, or possibly a coincidence.
RIPOSTE!!
July 28th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
“Hooked” on 8 oz. bottles of Dr. Pepper at a Catfishery? Oh, the irony! and it took almost 24 hours for someone to point it out! You guys are definitely off your game. Game? No, I won’t go there too.
LushyLishy I too was born in those same mountains, though I went South rather than West. If I was surrounded by vegans I would lose my shit.
July 28th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
No problem, glendoor42. It’s just gonna come off your paycheck.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
Sorry about no maplebang, I slept late.
July 28th, 2008 at 8:50 am
Fingerbang!
July 28th, 2008 at 7:58 am
Maplebang?
July 28th, 2008 at 7:56 am
Freudian slip! Freudian slip!
Shit. I’m just feeling a little tits today.
Distracted! I meant, I feel distracted.
July 28th, 2008 at 7:54 am
I understand your typo, LushyLishy. I, too, frequently feel that reverent awe when I step into Baskin Robbins. You can’t help but feel a little closer to God when in the presence of the divine ice cream.
I guess it’s less a typo, and more one of them, whaddyacallem? Freudian blowjobs.
July 28th, 2008 at 6:47 am
One of the best munchie foods I ever ate was to take a can of Cambells creamy chicken soup, cook it in the microwave, then when it done add about a shot glass amount of Dales or Moores sauce to it and the take about a half a rack of saltine crackers and mix it together until you get this grey mush. God it’s good and much, much better than it sounds.
I came up with this one night when that was about all there was in the kitchen to eat and in a rare flash of sanity decided it was best not to drive.
July 28th, 2008 at 1:43 am
i was introduced to the Sombrero a few years ago…delicious, but if you eat more than one a year, you die.
Sombrero = Double Stuff’d Oreo, wrapped in cookie dough and baked until brown…sorta looks like a Sombrero when done…
note: this was novel for a week, and i haven’t even thought about them in 3 years. i’m not proud, and i smoked a lot more pot back then.
July 28th, 2008 at 12:57 am
*Baskin Robbins that is
July 28th, 2008 at 12:56 am
As a born and bred (read: bred..not in-bred) North GA southerner who now lives in San Diego, I felt seriously fat after moving here. Until I went to the beach. HAHAHA! There are plenty of fellow chubsters there! They are just more tanned and they eat their chicken skinless. Plus, there is a vegan in a 6 foot radius wherever you go. Fucking Vegans.
Oddly enough, I, too, tried to get a choco taco at The Bell tonight and was forced to settle for the sugar/cinnamon twists instead. Paltry. I like sweet and crunchy…but I love the crunchy taco-then choco combo that made up my 20’s. As fat as my ass may be, I manage to never have eaten a fried candy bar. I did/do enough damage with Basking Robbin’s Chocolate Peanut butter ice cream. OMG. Is it sad that this treat comprises most of the good memories I have of early childhood? Ben and Jerry’s Half Baked makes up the good adult memories.
Speaking of soda, I grew up on Dr. Pepper in 8 oz glass bottles. My great-uncle owned a backwoods lawnmower repair shop and Catfishery (often served fried and was scaled and gutted right there for ya, hon). Oh, yes. They were what hooked me on the stuff today. We also only had the sugar cane Coke in bottles. I asked him if he still carries it and he replied in the affirmative. The only good thing I left in redneckville.
July 27th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
Yeah, that I know. But I was at Taco Bell tonight and wanted it then by God. I did not have the five minutes to go to gas station because my tacos would have got cold.
July 27th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
I can’t help but picture Mel Gibson stretched out on the rack getting drawn and quartered by the Limeys and screaming in a bad Scottish accent: “YOO CAN TAKE MY FRENCH FRIES, MY COCA-COLA, EVEN MY CHOCO TACO, BUT YOO CAN NEVER TAKE AWAY MY FREEEEEEEE-DOM!!!”
Glendoor, you do realize they sell choco tacos at every fucking gas station in the Southeast, right?
July 27th, 2008 at 10:19 pm
Goddamn TacoBell does not sell the choco-taco anymore, the just have the POS empanada
Fuckers!!!!!!, and fuck you Swaim for making me want a choco taco in the first place. I bet you knew they didn’t have them anymore, cause that’s just the kind of guy that you are, a choco taco taunting, monty python badmouthing fuckerhead!!!!!!
THEY HAVE TAKEN MY COKE !!! THEY HAVE TAKEN MY MCDONALDS FRENCH FRYS AND NOW THEY HAVE TAKEN MY CHOCO TACO. MARK MY WORDS, THEY WILL RUE THE DAY!!!!!!!!!
THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHO THEY ARE FUCKING WITH!!!!!!!!!!!
July 27th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Fat asses need love just like skinny ones. Pinwheel, have no fear my dear. A little thing like a deep fried twinkie obsession isn’t going to stop people from wanting to sleep with you.
July 27th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
To quote MC Paul Barman
“Have I made a mockery out of a culture like the choco-taco? Was I to rap as France was to Morocco? Was I colon rap colon colon France colon Morocco?”
July 27th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Good to be Spike.
July 27th, 2008 at 7:44 pm
Some Guy, actually, we are the skinny kid with the smart mouth and no upper body strength who stands behind the fat, greasy kid and mouths off as long as you’re there to protect us. We have no illusion about our place on the team, we just like to make fun of you for yours.
“Spike’s me pal, ’cause he’s so brave and strong!”
July 27th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
There is nothing wrong with a fat ass, on a female anyway.
July 27th, 2008 at 4:35 pm
Just so you know — when a Twinkie is deep-fried, the cream filling and cake combine into a homogeneous mass of fat encased in a fragile, crispy rind.
When I lived in England, I dated a guy whose mother was a huge Elvis fan. I wanted to impress her, so I cooked a Southern meal of corned beef hash with sides for his family. For dessert I made fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, because the mom heard that Elvis liked them.
Not a good idea, considering that the family wasn’t familiar with peanut butter anyway. Being British, they were very discreet about their revulsion and if they vomited, they were polite enough that I never knew.
(But then, they thought it was acceptable to grill chicken with no skin, seasoning or marinade.)
Oh my god, Mootpoint, I’ve never heard of that. I can’t imagine it. Combo pizza is popular these days though, isn’t it? You can get cheesesteak pizza with hot cheese injections in the crust. Plus deep dish pizza that has a layer of cheese with another pizza on top.
The only thing that makes me feel better about myself these days is that, as fat as my ass is, I can still be grossed out by foods like these. Maybe I haven’t hit rock-bottom yet.
July 26th, 2008 at 11:47 pm
Anyone try that Oreo and Fench fry pizza inspired by the movie ‘Mr. Deeds’? Holy Xenu, it’s the fucking shit. I normally hate French fries, but I love them on pizza now…
July 26th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Remember a few years back when McDonalds still deep fried their apple pies? They were sooooooooo much better! They still do that in less fat countries like Japan and Hong Kong.
But soon theyll be obese and the deep fried apple pie will be dead.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Pinwheel, you should have deep fried their snickers; that would’ve shown them.
July 26th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
That’s what you get for having snotty yankee friends.
July 26th, 2008 at 4:45 pm
A few years ago I went to a county fair in Tennessee and saw a stand advertising deep-fried Twinkies. I had to try it just to have a story to tell to my snotty Yankee friends back up north.
When I ordered it, the two guys behind me snickered. I blushed and ran off in shame, clutching my hot, gooey anecdote. I took one bite and almost threw up.
July 26th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Ok… but I’m still going to enjoy those pink cupcakes at the Cupcakery. Yuppies be damned, Cracked is not taking that away from me!
Plus they sell that delicious old-fashioned orange cream soda. All I have to do is re-develop my sweet tooth, which strangely was destroyed during the reading of this delightful article.
July 26th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
Zing!
July 26th, 2008 at 11:29 am
“You know every kids sports movie, where a team of losers, one outcast cool kid, and one surprisingly hot girl form a team? And they initially piss off a team of local ruffians who they must play off against in the end? America: you’re the fat bully on the ruffian team, in the eyes of the world.”
Yeah, I know that fat kid. Remember how he always wore a greasy, cheeto dust covered baseball cap which he used to wipe his nose and cried into after he was beaten by the losers?
If we are that fat-kid, canada, then you are our hat.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:12 am
that would taste awesome.
July 26th, 2008 at 10:11 am
Lounsey, i totally agree. what if someone just straight up deep fried cheeseburgers? like, the ENTIRE burger, buns, patty cheese and all.
July 26th, 2008 at 7:05 am
Sorry anonymous….. I do feel bad about my medical marvel body mass index,
Yes I am freakishly thin despite eating huge amounts of crap (when I would go to McDonalds I have 2 double cheeseburgers, large fries and large coke), I still have all the unfitness that goes along with it.
My physical stamina is nil, and trying to act like you aren’t out of breath after running a mere 20 seconds to catch the bus is humiliating…but then I eat something fried in butter and I feel better.
Also, I am hungover as hell and now starving for something more unhealthy than ever before. I wonder could I deep fry something new and disgusting today…
July 26th, 2008 at 2:07 am
While looking where to buy pure cane sugar Coke here in the US, I found a very interesting fact why cane sugar Coke is better. The body treats high frutose corn syrup as fat, not sugar and the corn syrup may be a leading cause of obesity here in the US.
Don’t know if it’s true or not, just found it interesting.
Here’s a link to the article. http://www.knowledgeproblem.com/archives/001483.html
July 26th, 2008 at 1:55 am
You’re gonna hook me up with some of those moon waffles, right, Mike? Right?
…
Mike?
July 25th, 2008 at 10:59 pm
@ Maddie, your description of the chip shop in question sounds suspiciously like one in Scotland, that deep fries the chocolate bar of your choice.
A Snickers, Hershey’s Minitures, anything you want.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:11 pm
Res_Ipsa, have you worked up the nerve to put up your deep-fried dead hooker stand at the Minny State Fair? A whole different kind of “Beaver Tail,” no? The hot grease would kill the various germs and diseases, it would teach children about both human anatomy and what happens when they don’t listen to their parents, and you could make a tidy profit. I see it as a win/win situation all the way around.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
I wanted to say that to Maddie so bad but 1. I did not want to be mean and 2. It does not sound much different from where I grew up.
MapleBang!!!!!!
July 25th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
Beaver Tails… oh crap I’m hungry now. I get mine with the cinnamon sugar and lemon juice. The oil just helps you eat more at once!
Keith’s? Eh, I’m more of a Sleeman’s man.
Maddie, produce swapping sounds like a sad, rural version of wife swapping.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:58 pm
1) Deep fried ice cream and deep fried Mars bars are both readily available in the frozen north (ie; Canada), and are both completely awesome.
2) Canada- I believe Quebec specifically, so I don’t know if it counts- indeed invented poutine, the fatty, goopy, Canadian delight that has definitely left me with a spare tire and probably left me with hardened arteries at the age of 21.
3) A lesser know Canadian dish is the Beavertail, which I believe deserves an honourable mention (in New York State, I’ve seen these sold as the more honestly- monikered “fried dough”). You can get a Beavertail, which is essentially a deep-fried lump of dough, then smother it with Nutella and Reese’s Pieces, or Mapo-Spread and chocolate sauce, or garlic sauce and cheese, or a number of other unhealthy combinations. Although for the health conscious, you can simply get it sprinkled with cinnamon and sugar.
Although American is often lambasted for being the fattest country on the planet, I find it amusing that the most well-known examples of Canadian cuisine are Tim Horton’s doughnuts, poutine, and beavertails.
PS: Screw Molson’s and Labatt’s. Alexander Keith’s is where it’s at, and I just wish there were more good moose in my neighbourhood. The one I’m involved with now is a total lowlife.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
@glendoor42: While dairy farming was the main business of the farm, my grandparents also kept chickens, pigs and some sheep. They also lived in a large, rural farming area where they were related to 70% of the township so produce swapping happened often.
@Panzier-Stier Ross: I am from Australia. While there may be a place called Fife in this fair country I (in continuing ignorance of any geography that is not directly related to where I am presently sitting) am unaware of it.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Im from Australia AKA new fattyland and we have none of these foods except deep fried snickers/milky way/mars all the awesome beaches and plenny of places to go and pleny of fresh food and ARE STILL FUCKING LARDASSES. TELL ME GOD HOW THE HELL DOES THAT WORK OUT????????
July 25th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
ps: fried twinkes are amazing but thats probably because the “powdered sugar” on the ones i buy is most likely cocaine
July 25th, 2008 at 6:41 pm
Soda with cane sugar rocks thats why im glad i go to mexico every other weekend to enjoy its sugary goodness. Mmmm i can almost taste the strawberry fanta
July 25th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
Glutenous lust? Is that lust for ass muscles?
July 25th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I’m fairly surprised the deep fried ice cream is not mentioned on this list
July 25th, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Oh, look another article about rarely-eaten but horrifically bad food and fat America. Ha. Ha. This is such a unique humor theme which hasn’t been done to death before.
Seriously people, how about some fresh material? This is really boring.
July 25th, 2008 at 5:07 pm
This article was hillarious. I died laughing. Perhaps put the frosting shot on the MegaMuffin?
oh… no… that would damage the grace of the MegaMuffin.
The deep fried twinkie at the ny state fair satisfied my glutenous lust. my glutenous lust is almost endless.
July 25th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
In the article Swaim links to about the frosting-shot, the “Vegan Cupcake” store owner =tried= to stop offering them.
“It really became a big thing. I tried to stop offering them,” McKenna says. “But I would see people on the street and they’d be like ‘Where are the frosting shots?’ They would get on my case about that.”
So apparently Frosting shots are more addictive than crack.
July 25th, 2008 at 5:01 pm
The pencil magic trick was fucking hilarious. I laughed so hard the people next to me moved.
Embarrassed the shit out of my youngest son.
July 25th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
I’m wondering about the consistency of deep fried Coke, is it liquid? Solid? A mixture between the two? Some sort of plasma perhaps?
Oh yeah guys, Dark Knight is awesome, and I have just been struck by it’s presence.
July 25th, 2008 at 4:07 pm
@ kingmonkey +1 , yes , yes I would and if it were legal I would start a franchise that would blow Starbuck out the goddamn water and no one would need no $8.00 muffin to help start their morning either.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
Two of my favorite gluttonous food items should really be on this list:
Take a Krispy Kreme glazed donut, slice it in half, throw on a burger patty, cheese and bacon. You’ve got yourself a Krispy Kreme Burger! You have the St. Louis Grizzlies to thank for that one.
Take a Polish sausage (or regular hot dog), slice it up the middle, stuff it full of cheese, wrap the whole thing in bacon and then DEEP FRY it. You’ve got yourself a Francheezie! If there’s a tastier way to induce a heart attack, I haven’t found it!
July 25th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
Our county fair had deep-fried pepsi. I decided to try it. Honestly, it tastes exactly like a funnel cake. Not bad at all. That other stuff sounds disgusting though.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Cheeky, get stuffed. We fat agressive Texans will apologize for NOTHING. As a matter of fact, I think we will include all non Texans in the ass eating as well.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
You know when your parents told you life isn’t fair? They weren’t kidding. Lounsey eats all of that crap and weighs 90 pounds, while apples are one of my favorite foods and I’m 40 pounds overweight. I also hate most fried foods.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
It’s the Coke syrup, isn’t it?
July 25th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
I’m a bit confused. Coke is liquid…how on earth do you deep fry it?
Unless you freeze it first, but then WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT??
July 25th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
@ boxeboxwell - Heeeey, I’m from Texas….but as for Destiny’s Child, Matthew McConaughey, Chamillionaire, Jessica Simpson, Nelly, the Dixie Chicks, and whatever other hell spawn we released unto the world, be it food or otherwise, can I just speak for the rest of Texas when I say, “our bad”?
I had the chance to try a fried twinkie, fried oreos, and fried cookie dough. I could only handle a bite of each before considering turning my life around and devoting it to a higher calling. I think said calling is the taco pizza. Mmmmm…
July 25th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Holy god that frosting looks good. *tummygrowl*
July 25th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Walleye is effing awesome, and so is the all-you-can-drink milk and grilled corn. I shamefully also eat the cheese curds, but I always end up ridiculously sick afterward. It’s very much a love-hate relationship with the Fair.
And thank God that fried Coke wasn’t invented in MN . . . whew.
July 25th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I was going to have korean for lunch but now I feel I must have a salad…maybe I should deep fry it….
July 25th, 2008 at 11:47 am
oh god… why does all of this make me want to puke?
July 25th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Lounsey-on-a-stick? I would beer-batter her and serve her with fries.
Speaking of beer: Labatt’s, J-Pappi? Labatt’s? What kind of a lowlife do you take me for?
glendoor42, would you like to try the original Coca-Cola? You know, the cocaine stuff?
July 25th, 2008 at 11:04 am
Dear God I miss the MN state fair! I grew up there and went every year. I miss the walleye on a stick, and the awesome grilled corn, and the flavored milk, and the all you can drink milk for 25cents that became 50cents, and so on, but still you could drink all you wanted! I always would get honey there too, and go down the giant slide and yell a profanity as soon as I got under the microphone. I need to go make some food on a stick now or I’ll start weeping. Too bad there are like 3 lakes in Kansas and they are all tiny so you never see walleye here. I don’t think northern pike are even here at all, and I’ve never seen somebody get a muskie here either.
July 25th, 2008 at 11:04 am
R_I you neednt shoulder all the blame for the dep fried coke since it wasnt actually invented in MN. No, it those damn dirty Texans we can thank for that. And looking at where all the other wonderful exports from Texas have goten us i believe we can all agree the deep fried coke must be stopped.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:22 am
Didn’t Canadians create Poutine? French fries topped with cheese and gravy? And don’t be so harsh on Scotland. If it wasn’t for them we’d never have fried chicken here in the US.
July 25th, 2008 at 10:01 am
For all those who love the coke, become an honorary jew!
http://anotherboyfromoz.wordpress.com/2007/03/21/coke-not-always-the-real-thing/
Only thing is that it’s only available during passover.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I can honestly say I’ve tried the oreos, but they was way too much middle. Ok, so I like the cheese hot dogs. They aren’t any different than adding cheese on top of the hot dog. I don’t eat hot dogs very often, so why not indulge? I have never had any desire to try the rest of the items on the list. So no not all Americans sit around thinking, “Hey let’s deep fry everyting so we can get fatter!”
July 25th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Yeah, America does that. All of it. We are fat. We eat things we shouldn’t eat. (Fuck you Scotland. Which one of you sheep fuckers thought haggis was a great idea?) And we have managed to become the bloated bully of the world in just over 200 years. Europe, The middle East, Africa….you guys had a few thousand years head start and you still can’t dominate anything other than basement rape and non use of deodorant. And Canada….just keep your well meaning trap shut. You fuckers still haven’t made amends for allowing Celine Dione to live. Long sotry short…non-Americans can eat our collective ass with a spoon.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:55 am
The US isn’t fat because of its diet. It’s fat because its got a bunch of lazy, TV/computer junkies.
Also, frosting is nasty. People who eat plain frosting are sick in the head. People who pay for overpriced cupcakes are also sick in the head.
Did anybody mention deep-fried ice cream on here yet? Get it at the Japanese restaurants, they use tempura batter. It’s amazing.
July 25th, 2008 at 8:44 am
“The dish [deep-fried Mars Bar]] originated at selected chip shops in Scotland as a novelty item, but was never a mainstream item. Since various mass media have reported on the practice since the mid 1990s, in part as an ironic commentary on urban Scotland’s notoriously unhealthy diet,[2] the popularity of the dish has spread.”
But of course this is just wikipedia. They do have a reference though:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/4103415.stm
July 25th, 2008 at 12:15 am
Some of the countries in Europe use the corn syrup, there, from what I understand, it’s a matter of supply and demand. Here, we got corn coming out the ying yang so it’s always cheaper.
The reason I know this is I heard the CEO of one of the drink companies talking about it on BBC world radio show that public broadcasting runs here in the US.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
Glendoor, pretty much every country except the US still has cane-sugar Coke.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
Thanks Jen, I’ll check that out.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:24 pm
I have had the tallow McD fries and the cane sugar coke in a glass bottle. They still sell it in guatemala. Most delicious fries and coke ever. EVER.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
glendoor-Mexico still makes Coke with pure cane syrup in a glass bottle…Costco (if you have them) was selling it for a while. At any rate it is being marketed a little in the states.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:03 pm
Glendoor, it actually was the 8 oz ones i was thinking of. My Grandmother used to keep them on hand. The 6 oz ones now are much more expensive than 12 oz cans but still worth it (even though they’re not as good as they used to be).
I totally tossed out the “Lounsey on a stick” thing knowing you’d run with it, R_I; thanks for not disappointing. What’s wrong with deep fried bull testicles? Bulls get castrated all the time; no sense letting them go to waste. You could deep fry them and coat them in glazed sugar and have some sort of “nutty donut holes.” You herd (sic) it here first, ladies and gentlemen.
July 24th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
Maddie, you’re not from Fife are you?
Is that the same chip shop that sells single cigarettes?
July 24th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
You can still find the coke in the 6oz glass bottles, a lot of stores sell them down here.
If you can’t find them call you local Coke distributor and ask them to order some.
When I was very small they sold Coke in 8oz, 10oz ,16oz and 32oz glass bottles, by the six pack. this was before the two and three liter bottles they have now. When i was in high school they sold 1 liter glass bottles.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
“Lounsey on a stick”–so many places you could go with that, but when you’re talking about the MN State Fair, chances are that it would be Lounsey, deep-fried in–most likely–corn meal (like Pronto Pups! Which are basically corn dogs . . . ), on a damn stick. They’d sell deep-fried bull testicles on a stick if they could sell any. (If anyone from the Fair is reading this: PLEASE DO NOT START DOING THIS. IF YOU ALREADY ARE, STOP.)
Dammit. I wish I could have tasted the magical Coke era. I’m getting jealous.
Salty tears of shame are delicious. They should deep-fry those.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:24 pm
Agreed the little 6 oz. cokes in the glass bottles were the shit. Especially with an oatmeal creme pie cookie. Hell to the yizzle.
Deep-fried Lounsey? Would you use flour or corn meal? Lounsey on a stick?
July 24th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Wow . . . I’m going to invent a time travel machine just so I can drink that Coke and eat those fries, because they sound fucking delicious.
Unlike fried Coke, which makes me ashamed to be Minnesotan. Ditto on the fried candy bar and the anything-on-a-stick mentality. Every year I’m drawn to the MN State Fair for some reason, but when I get there I can never think of a good reason why I came in the first place. (Oh yeah, I remember now–somewhere they secretly hand out giant fucking rulers, and every year I desperately look for that place because I want to run around smacking people with those rulers.)
Dammit, now I want a giant ruler and some original McD’s french fries with an old-fashioned Coke. I’ll have to settle for water.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:55 pm
They’re still better than anybody’s else french fries and are still so good they deserve a place outside the fast food realm but I’m just saying they use to be even better.
Like real Coke is better in a glass bottle and used to be even better when they used pure cane sugar to make it instead of fucking corn syrup. Some places in the world still use the cane sugar and I would love to find out where and order about ten cases.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
Dude, generally fast food is kinda blah, but McDonald’s french fries are still fucking awesome!
July 24th, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Tallow is also one of the reasons McDonalds french fries were so good. They oil they fried them in was about half tallow until about 10 or 15 years ago.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:36 pm
@ Maddie, Lard comes from hogs and tallow comes from beef (usually,sometimes it’s sheep)
KNOW YOUR FATS!!!!
July 24th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
I think I’m getting fatter from just reading all this. Gross.
If you deep-fried Lounsey, would she still be a skinny city-eater? Would Gladstone then pork up? I think Swaim has a moral obligation to completely (answer/ignore) these questions.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Dammit Dan, those burritos were of middling quality AT LEAST.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
My father grew up on a dairy farm. Consequently we have recipe books filled with lard infused delights. We also have too many salads where cream is a feature ingredient. I never really had chance.
I also used to live near a fish and chip shop that let you walk in, buy any of their chocolate bar range and have it deep fried while you wait.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:17 pm
They don’t do Twinkies in Ireland? I did one once; it made a pretty big mess. I wound up having to eat the rest afterwards with a fork (What? It was the last one in the box and I was too drunk to drive back to the store).
Since Kingmonkey isn’t here I will defend that vicious attack on him. It’s Labatt’s he drinks while fucking Moose and watching hockey, not Molson.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
When I saw the paper cup full of chocolate icing:
1st thought: 2girls1cup
2nd thought: cake farts
3rd thought: damn now I need to change my pants
July 24th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
So 1969 is the first filmed double penetration?
Because that’s ridiculously good trivia for me to be spouting to strangers, hopefully that’s right. If it’s complete bullshit, someone message me. But it sounds pretty cool, so I’ll say it anyways.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
When I worked at Pizza Inn with the pizza ninja, they had a pizza there called the Taco pizza.
Basically it was pizza sauce mixed with taco meat spread on the pizza crust, topped with mozzarella cheese,then ran through the oven and then topped lettuce tomato mexican blend cheese and salsa and it was fucking good.
I still dream about those pizza today.
July 24th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Eeeeew!!!!! That looked so gross!!!!
check this out:
http://www.fakebuddy.com
July 24th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Hey Swaim , what did you do? melt a smurf on that muffin at the top of the page ?
July 24th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
The Choco Taco is probably mankind’s greatest achievement since the wheel, electricity, and the E! channel.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
*passes out from exposure to Pizzarito*
You know that horrible sugary grainy feeling in the back of your throat after eating too much fudge? I reckon that’s exactly what the aftertaste of a frosting shot would be.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Homey, you forgot one.
On an overcast summer day in La Jolla, California back in 2007 a group of friends set out to film the invention of a food as entertaining as it is delicious. They obtained the lowest quality burritos available and squeezed their contents onto the greasiest pizza California has to offer. As a result they crafted a new food fit to kill millions, and a special place in hell for themselves. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GJfCOS3aLo
July 24th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
And if Gladstone unfriends me then facebook is pointless. My curiosity overwhelmed me.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
They don’t do twinkies in Ireland… and I love them. It makes me sad.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I’ve had deep-fried Oreos. They’re incredible. There’s also some festival right now going on in Orange County, (or “The OC”) where they’re just deep-frying everything. I’m not sure WHY there’s a festival, but I generally don’t ask questions when some crazy motherfucker starts throwing around fried twinkies.
Still, I miss Jersey’s Fat Sandwiches like nobody’s business.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:21 pm
With maple sryup on it?
Maplebang!!!!!!!!!!!
July 24th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
wow. you just freaked me out. get ready for the facebook unfriending of a lifetime.
July 24th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Is it a deep-fried chest-eyeball?
July 24th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
That eyeball on his chest? Yeah who doesn’t know that?
You need to offer it a monthly sacrifice of goat’s kidney. Lest the Gods become restless.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Gladstone would never un-friend me. I know his secrets.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
Haggis is fucking amazing, we shall have no words said against it.
We deep fry the shit out of that too.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
No reason to say you are sorry Ross for deepfried candy bars, I beilieve that that is the Scots way of saying sorry for Haggis and golf.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
AHHHHHH! Cracked.com posted an article that mentioned my city. I feel so big time. Sadly, it’s about our pretentious, overpriced bakery. And I think I’ll die a little inside when an Urban Outfitters opens in the fall. Sigh. Goodbye Savannah, I hardly knew ye.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
I think this is the final breaking point where I have to say America disgusts me. Even worse than inventing Napalm, Guantanamo Bay and The Killers.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Don’t make me Facebook unfriend you Lounsey. oh, who am I kidding? I can’t stay mad at your city-devouring skinny ass.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
THIS IS TRUE. Here in the South, where the average life expectancy for women is actually
declining, at local southern foods restaurants you sometime find the most unhealthy food of
all, BATTERED AND DEEPFRIED FATBACK.
For those of you that don’t know what fatback is, it comes from the same part of the hog as bacon does, american bacon, but is to fatty to be made into bacon.
It is usually used as seasoning for vegatables that are to healthy otherwise and need their recommended daily allowance of hogfat to make them paltable.
So you take this stuff bread it, and deep fry it and heavily salt it and man it is good.
If you can’t wrap your head around that, it is basically battered and deepfried extra fatty bacon.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
mars bar:
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Cookbook:Deep_Fried_Mars_Bar
also… there is a thing….that I haven’t mentioned. That i used to eat when I ate meat… it is known among my friends as THE fry…. message me on cracked (this username) if you would like me to send you details on how to make it…it will change your hungover world.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Dammit Wayne…we’ve been through the purging conversation at least 3 times.
Deep fried milky way recepie is on wikipedia. look it up.
and indeed yes, it is philadelphia cream cheese, I stupidly assumed both that everybody would know that’s what I meant, and that nobody would turn it into a horrible horrible pun that is almost as unfunny as the jokes on a certain show based around numerical representation of hatred.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Lounsey does indeed weigh 90 pounds. I’ve seen pics. she has also sent me the recipe for the aforementioned deep fried milky way because she is the devil. And she wants me to pork back up to my weight during the YouTube Sketchies II contest.
also i hope “philadelphia” is meant to stand for “philadelphia cream cheese,” ‘cos if this broad eats all of philadelphia and still weighs 90 pounds, methinks there’s some purging going on.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
Lounsey, I’m going to have to try some of those recipes. And one day your metabolism is going to slow down, or you’ll die a very light diabetic.
Vernuft, as a Canuck, I can tell you the moose is a surprisingly gentle lover.
July 24th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Yes, EVERYONE IN AMERICA DOES THAT! That’s the thing about stereotypes - they are always true.
So, kingmonkey, how is having sex with a moose and drinking Molson while watching hockey treating you?
July 24th, 2008 at 11:54 am
List of things that I eat on a regular basis that are deliciously deathful:
-Deep fried Mars Bar (i think it’s the equivalent of a milky way in the states)…it’s amazing.
-A wedge of Brie, covered in breadcrumbs, fried in butter, eaten with cranberry sauce.
-Potatoes cut up into tiny cubes, fried in butter, covered with an equal amount of cubes of white cheddar.
-Toasted pita bread filled with philadelphia.
-Crepes with chocolate spread, chocolate sauce and vanilla ice-cream.
(all of these enjoyed with a pint of coke)
And my boyfriend eats (though I haven’t cause I’m a vegetarian)… ham baked in the oven in COKE.
For the record: I weigh 90 pounds. seriously.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:39 am
Have you ever heard of a deep fried Coke? It’s a real thing at the Minnesota State Fair… Yikes!
July 24th, 2008 at 11:36 am
For the deep fried Snickers and Mars bar:
Yeah, sorry guys, we’re really sorry, we honestly thought it was a big joke at first. Now it’s just gone too far.
Yours, with apologies,
The Scots.
July 24th, 2008 at 11:11 am
The cheese-injected hot dog? The fried macaroni and cheese ball? The deep-fired Sickers bar?
Are you serious? You people actually have these, and eat them? No wonder you’re all so horribly fat. I mean, sure, in Casnadia we put maple syrup on everything (everything… MAPLEBANG!!!), but really, America? Really? You would deep-fry a Snickers bar?
You know every kids sports movie, where a team of losers, one outcast cool kid, and one surprisingly hot girl form a team? And they initially piss off a team of local ruffians who they must play off against in the end? America: you’re the fat bully on the ruffian team, in the eyes of the world.
July 24th, 2008 at 9:13 am
These are all true stories right? ’cause I’m going to start spreading the word right now! I’m going to sound so smart.