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I Want A VP I Can Take To The Fight Club

If the Cracked blog has a weak point--and it doesn't--it's that we occasionally neglect subjects dear to the readerships' collective hearts. Yes, we reason, human rights violations in China require attention, but you know what’s more pressing? Gay babies. Sure, the World Cup is a cherished event viewed by billions of people around the globe, but you know what? Fuck that, because naked maids.

So at the behest of our editor, Jack, for whom you'll be disappointed to find out I have no clever nicknames (unless "Jacklebee's Neighborhood Grill" is considered a nickname now), I've "decided" to provide some political commentary on the Vice Presidential candidates, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, and, as I've come to understand, The Hamburglar. I was surprised to find out about The Hamburglar, but Gladstone's never been one to lie unless it would benefit him financially, so I'm going to run with it. Thanks for the insider info, G.

Even though this gig may not be my usual forte, I want to bring you some real, layered, hard-hitting commentary. And unlike other namby-pamby political commentators, I’m not afraid to come out and give my opinion. After all, what’s the point of a review if I don’t tell you which candidate to vote for? It’s like when Roper and Ebert give a split decision on a movie, and I’m so blinded with rage that I hurl my television out the window.

But this brings me to a problem. What do we really know about these candidates? Sure one steals hamburgers, but I'm not talking about Joe Biden. I want to get deeper. How to judge? What qualities earn a candidate my vote? To me, the answer is clear: the ability to take me in a fight.

Talk about hard-hitting! Plus it speaks to my distaste for being taken in a fight. If our VP’s going to be out there taking guff from the Chinese Premiere, I want one who can hold his (or her, or its, as the case may be) own.

Let the bloodbath begin.

ROUND 1—POLICIES

Biden: Biden got high marks from the NEA for his pro-teacher policies. Not particularly threatening, UNLESS it’s that teacher from The Substitute. There’s no way to be sure. Toss up.

He’s vocally pro-rehab for criminals, which basically means that if the Ambassador from Georgia sucker punched him in the gut, he’d buy the guy some Enya tickets. He also supported Social Security for illegal immigrants and is strongly opposed to private gun ownership. Not looking so hot, Joe.

The only manly legislation he ever supported was taking educational grants away from prisoners, and unless he plans to replace those educational grants with “the school of my fists,” it’s too little, too late.

Palin: Palin’s pro-life, which basically means she’s physically afraid of an unborn fetus. Not a good foot to start off on, but on the other hand, she’s a lifetime member of the NRA, supports the death penalty, and banned gay marriage in her state (apparently fearing no physical reprisals).

But the kicker was her decision to sue the government when they put Polar Bears on the threatened species list, citing the fact that Polar Bears couldn’t be on the threatened species list, because she hadn’t put them there yet.

Specifically, she’s quoted as saying “I don’t want them losing any self-confidence. Takes the fight right out of them.” She said this while standing below the head of a stuffed Polar Bear she’d killed, then reached up, grabbing it by the neck, and flung it into a crowd of reporters. Nice.

Burglar: Beyond his penchant for burgers, it’s hard to find a lot of solid policy information on this guy. Sure, he wants burgers and he’s willing to take them, by force if necessary, but is he too lily-livered to come right out with his opinions?

Gay marriage? Abortion? Immigration? Gun control? What say you, Hamburglar? The only answer: the robble robble robble of a coward.

Winner: Sarah Palin, with a Dragon Suplex.

ROUND 2—BACKGROUND

Biden: Biden’s background doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence should, say, the King of Denmark lunge at him with a broken bottle. He weaseled out of ‘Nam by going to Law School, then dodged the draft after graduation because of “chronic asthma.” I had asthma, once. You know what I did? I kneed it in the crotch and walked away. Man up, Biden.

On the other hand, Biden lost a wife and daughter in a car accident in 1972, and was sworn into the Senate at the side of their hospital beds. That kind of tragedy can either break you, or fill you with a dark sense of vengeful justice. I’ve seen Dark Knight enough times now to put my wager on the latter, and give Biden a bye on this one.

Palin: Palin was born in Idaho, but moved her family to Alaska as an infant, worrying that Idaho’s gentle climes were making them “soft.” In Alaska, she regularly went moose hunting and ran 10ks.

She also lead her High School basketball team to state-wide victory by sinking a crucial free throw in the last seconds of the game…on a fractured ankle. Kerri Strug later stole this tactic during the 1996 Olympic games.

Her friends call her “Sarah Barracuda” due to her ferocity, and her enemies call her “Sarah Barracuda” because she bites them.

Burglar: The Hamburglar grew up dockside in Baltimore, the son of two career cat burglars who were crushed in a tragic burgling accident. The accident didn’t involve burgers directly, but most witnesses were pretty sure that there were some burgers in the area at the time.

Thus, the young boy’s fate as the world’s most avid burglar of ham was sealed.

Winner: Sarah Palin, but only because The Hamburglar’s face is made of loosely compacted beef, and probably disfigures pretty easy. At least, that's what I hear from the gossip rags and Happy Meal boxes.

ROUND 3—GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH

Biden:

Palin:

Burglar:

Winner: Do I even have to say? HINT: It's the one with the elk bleeding its life out onto the ice and a fucking assault rifle aimed at you. Although, to be fair, the Hamburglar appears to be surprisingly badass.

THE VERDICT

While Joe Biden might do a bang-up job tending the White House Rose Garden or as Secretary of Downy Soft Towels, Palin’s the way to go if you want your VeeP to hit ‘em till they WeeP. The Hamburglar was disqualified, as it has recently come to my attention that he’s fictional, and Gladstone is a huge dick. Therefore, my official endorsement is…

Obama/Palin ’08!

Hope. It punches like a freight train.


When not writing for Cracked, Michael challenges Senators to fights as head writer and co founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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