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I Want A VP I Can Take To The Fight Club

If the Cracked blog has a weak point--and it doesn't--it's that we occasionally neglect subjects dear to the readerships' collective hearts. Yes, we reason, human rights violations in China require attention, but you know whats more pressing? Gay babies. Sure, the World Cup is a cherished event viewed by billions of people around the globe, but you know what? Fuck that, because naked maids.

So at the behest of our editor, Jack, for whom you'll be disappointed to find out I have no clever nicknames (unless "Jacklebee's Neighborhood Grill" is considered a nickname now), I've "decided" to provide some political commentary on the Vice Presidential candidates, Joe Biden, Sarah Palin, and, as I've come to understand, The Hamburglar. I was surprised to find out about The Hamburglar, but Gladstone's never been one to lie unless it would benefit him financially, so I'm going to run with it. Thanks for the insider info, G.

Even though this gig may not be my usual forte, I want to bring you some real, layered, hard-hitting commentary. And unlike other namby-pamby political commentators, Im not afraid to come out and give my opinion. After all, whats the point of a review if I dont tell you which candidate to vote for? Its like when Roper and Ebert give a split decision on a movie, and Im so blinded with rage that I hurl my television out the window.

But this brings me to a problem. What do we really know about these candidates? Sure one steals hamburgers, but I'm not talking about Joe Biden. I want to get deeper. How to judge? What qualities earn a candidate my vote? To me, the answer is clear: the ability to take me in a fight.

Talk about hard-hitting! Plus it speaks to my distaste for being taken in a fight. If our VPs going to be out there taking guff from the Chinese Premiere, I want one who can hold his (or her, or its, as the case may be) own.

Let the bloodbath begin.

ROUND 1POLICIES

Biden: Biden got high marks from the NEA for his pro-teacher policies. Not particularly threatening, UNLESS its that teacher from The Substitute. Theres no way to be sure. Toss up.

Hes vocally pro-rehab for criminals, which basically means that if the Ambassador from Georgia sucker punched him in the gut, hed buy the guy some Enya tickets. He also supported Social Security for illegal immigrants and is strongly opposed to private gun ownership. Not looking so hot, Joe.

The only manly legislation he ever supported was taking educational grants away from prisoners, and unless he plans to replace those educational grants with the school of my fists, its too little, too late.

Palin: Palins pro-life, which basically means shes physically afraid of an unborn fetus. Not a good foot to start off on, but on the other hand, shes a lifetime member of the NRA, supports the death penalty, and banned gay marriage in her state (apparently fearing no physical reprisals).

But the kicker was her decision to sue the government when they put Polar Bears on the threatened species list, citing the fact that Polar Bears couldnt be on the threatened species list, because she hadnt put them there yet.

Specifically, shes quoted as saying I dont want them losing any self-confidence. Takes the fight right out of them. She said this while standing below the head of a stuffed Polar Bear shed killed, then reached up, grabbing it by the neck, and flung it into a crowd of reporters. Nice.

Burglar: Beyond his penchant for burgers, its hard to find a lot of solid policy information on this guy. Sure, he wants burgers and hes willing to take them, by force if necessary, but is he too lily-livered to come right out with his opinions?

Gay marriage? Abortion? Immigration? Gun control? What say you, Hamburglar? The only answer: the robble robble robble of a coward.

Winner: Sarah Palin, with a Dragon Suplex.

ROUND 2BACKGROUND

Biden: Bidens background doesnt inspire a lot of confidence should, say, the King of Denmark lunge at him with a broken bottle. He weaseled out of Nam by going to Law School, then dodged the draft after graduation because of chronic asthma. I had asthma, once. You know what I did? I kneed it in the crotch and walked away. Man up, Biden.

On the other hand, Biden lost a wife and daughter in a car accident in 1972, and was sworn into the Senate at the side of their hospital beds. That kind of tragedy can either break you, or fill you with a dark sense of vengeful justice. Ive seen Dark Knight enough times now to put my wager on the latter, and give Biden a bye on this one.

Palin: Palin was born in Idaho, but moved her family to Alaska as an infant, worrying that Idahos gentle climes were making them soft. In Alaska, she regularly went moose hunting and ran 10ks.

She also lead her High School basketball team to state-wide victory by sinking a crucial free throw in the last seconds of the gameon a fractured ankle. Kerri Strug later stole this tactic during the 1996 Olympic games.

Her friends call her Sarah Barracuda due to her ferocity, and her enemies call her Sarah Barracuda because she bites them.

Burglar: The Hamburglar grew up dockside in Baltimore, the son of two career cat burglars who were crushed in a tragic burgling accident. The accident didnt involve burgers directly, but most witnesses were pretty sure that there were some burgers in the area at the time.

Thus, the young boys fate as the worlds most avid burglar of ham was sealed.

Winner: Sarah Palin, but only because The Hamburglars face is made of loosely compacted beef, and probably disfigures pretty easy. At least, that's what I hear from the gossip rags and Happy Meal boxes.

ROUND 3GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH

Biden:

Palin:

Burglar:

Winner: Do I even have to say? HINT: It's the one with the elk bleeding its life out onto the ice and a fucking assault rifle aimed at you. Although, to be fair, the Hamburglar appears to be surprisingly badass.

THE VERDICT

While Joe Biden might do a bang-up job tending the White House Rose Garden or as Secretary of Downy Soft Towels, Palins the way to go if you want your VeeP to hit em till they WeeP. The Hamburglar was disqualified, as it has recently come to my attention that hes fictional, and Gladstone is a huge dick. Therefore, my official endorsement is

Obama/Palin 08!

Hope. It punches like a freight train.


When not writing for Cracked, Michael challenges Senators to fights as head writer and co founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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