Being a columnist for Cracked.com has brought me many things: a fairly large readership; my Peabody Award Nominated-video series Hate By Numbers™, and, of course, a legion of pumped Facebook friends, merely awaiting my request to bring down society Fight Club-style.
And while these friends may be virtual, many of them have found themselves confronted by very real problems. From time to time, –when they’re not busy composing Notes of 25 Things– they’ve been good enough to share these difficulties with me by asking thoughtful questions. Questions like:
Why doesn’t the chlamydia that Cracked columnist Dan O’Brien gave me respond to treatment like normal chlamydia?
or
I asked Cracked columnist Michael Swaim to watch my dog while I was on vacation and now whenever Fluffy is approached by a 6’ 4” man, bearing a striking resemblance to a 19th century English lesbian he cowers under the sofa for hours. What should I do?
or
I’ve lost my faith in justice — how is it that Cracked columnist Robert Brockway, has a book deal, and you don’t?
Before moving on let me just take this time to say (in order):
a. serves you right;
b. the only cure for being bestiality-raped by Michael Swaim is training your dog to bury Swaim’s videos on Digg.com; and
c. Justice is blind. And functionally illiterate. And also, kind of a dick.
But not all the questions I get are about the terrible things my Cracked colleagues have done. Indeed, I have Facebook friends who don’t even read Cracked. Friends at every age, in every country, and at every level of the world’s socio-economic strata. So as Cracked’s elder statesman, I thought I’d share some of the troubles that have been sent my way, and the solid advice I’ve given, in the hopes that it might be helpful to you, the Cracked reader.
Dear G-Stone,
Big fan of HBN. I am an 18 year old girl. People tell me I’m attractive. And that’s sort of the problem. I can’t go a day at my Hot Topic job without some creepy old guy ogling me and saying something disgusting. I want to quit, but I need the work to help pay for college. Do you have any advice?
Yours in bondage,
Jynx Simmons
P.S. Where do you live?
*****
Dear Jynx,
Forgive me for not replying sooner, but I was completing my daily regimen – a ten mile run, followed by bench-pressing my weight twenty times. Unfortunately, I don’t have any easy answers for you, but I’m glad that in your time of need you made the wise decision to share your young and attractive problems with a more mature internet personality.
Now regarding your dilemma, I’m sure it’s nothing you’ve done, but perhaps there’s something about your Hot Topic outfits that is sending the wrong message? It’s hard to say. I think the best way to proceed would be for you to send me several photographs of you in your work attire. I promise to examine them thoroughly and get back to you with answers.
Don’t go changin’,
G-Stone
P.S. I’m going to keep my address private, but this Saturday I’ll be hanging around the food court at the Plain Fields Multiplex, just outside the theatre showing Coraline.
Still, not everyone who writes me has Daddy issues and owns platform boots. Here’s a message I received just last week from an older gentleman with a lot on his plate it seems.
Whassup, G-Stone!
HUGE HBN fan! Anyway, I was hoping you could help me with something. I recently landed a new job. It’s a big deal. I had to relocate from the Mid-West to D.C. I’m under a ton of scrutiny. And the worst part is, the guy I replaced messed everything up so bad that there is honestly –between you and me—absolutely no way for me to make things right in four years. Any ideas?
Barry O.
-Sent via Blackberry-
*****
Thanks Barry,
Having held some high level jobs myself I can certainly appreciate your situation. For example, I remember when I got promoted to senior book stocker at Barnes & Noble. Every day, my boss would scan the aisles to make sure that any book we had three or more copies of had at least one copy facing out to the aisle. Also two face out books were not allowed to be adjacent to each other. It was pretty rough. Is your new job like that?
Anyway, all you can do is your best. And if it doesn’t work out, you can always do what I did. Go up to your boss. Look him straight in the eye, and say “I don’t need this job. I’ve hit the home page of Digg.com more than twenty times!” Now I realize that perhaps your achievements aren’t as notable as that, but I’m sure you have things to be proud of too, and don’t forget it!
Also, why was relocating to DC so hard? I hope you weren’t making a subtly racist comment about the city’s large African American population. Come on. You’re better than that.
Good luck,
G-Stone
Sometimes the requests for advice come in the form of late night Facebook instant messages. And while Facebook chat is more intimate and immediate than a message, Facebook friends should be aware that chat can be more finicky, and always raises the possibility that I’m having technically difficulties even though I really would just love to chat with you:
Jessica: HEY! 
G-Stone: Hello
Jessica: ZOMG, I can’t believe you answered.
G-Stone: I do that sometimes. What’s up?
Jessica: Dan O’Brien gave me a medicine-resistant strain of chlamydia.
G-Stone: I covered that already. Anything else bothering you?
Jessica: Yeah, how did I get SO DRUNK right now! LOL!
Jessica: Hello?
**G-Stone is offline**
And finally, some people have come to me seeking advice that –unlike the rest of this article— appeals to the good people of the Digg community.
Dear G-Stone,
How do I sync my I-phone wirelessly in Linux?
P.S. Please find photos of me in Hot Topic attire, attached.
Sincerely
A real person, not a shameless ploy to attract Diggers with technical content (“ARPNASPTADWTC”)
*****
Dear ARPNASPTADWTC,
Here’s a link I though you might find useful.
Thanks for the pics.
G-Stone
Well, I think that provides a nice sample of the valuable services I provide daily to my treasured Facebook friends. Do you have the guts to become one? Are you bold and sexy enough to join Facebook’s fan site Gladstoners? I think you are. I believe in you.
Also, there’s a chance in hell I might do another advice column post so feel free to send along your questions after joining up.
–This post is dedicated to my oldest friend G. Xavier Robillard. Congratulations on the Captain Freedom book release, G!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 4th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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February 9th, 2009 at 4:13 pm
Oh my Ceiling Cat this article - And G-Stone in general - Is AMSOM!
And I proudly defend that spelling.
February 6th, 2009 at 2:49 am
OOps! It is your deal.. k. must go swim..if you are really mad..(I care little)) you should contact my lawyer..
February 6th, 2009 at 2:27 am
I AM HBN? Wow. K. Apparently we need to talk sweet pea.
I will always adore dummy..but that shit don’t fly..
February 6th, 2009 at 1:52 am
Dirty Jerz, I am HBN. I stand by my prediction. I’m right or DOB doesn’t have chlamydia.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
@HBN, baby
It looks like water.
From the faucet. That is turned on.
As the only girl who has it stated in her profile that I’ll openly contract any and all STDs that DOB has, why hasn’t my sister (or Gladstone, for that matter) made a really bad joke by now?
February 5th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Aloha GStone!
OMG I am stoked to see you here! I have been away from the keyboard, so to speak, for a bit and haven’t been able to satisfy my normal cracked weekly dose. It has been like a month. I have been a wee bit shell-shocked.
Other cracked kids are mailing me things to look for, check out–what have you–on cracked..I have felt out of the loop.
Then..today, I go ‘on’ for a serious (however long it takes) time bout to read and respond..and who do I see? My On-Line Mentor. Writing about on-line netiquette..sort of.
*ended sentence with preposition*
Frick..I am happy to see you. Plain and simple. I will never join Facebook.
Congrats with the awards. Sweet, bra. People have always told me you can seriously write funny; I came in on your career when the most I saw of you was video. Needless to reiterate..I love it. But, as it turns out..your personality is right there in your writing as well. I
am thrilled.
So that’s it. A rave.
February 5th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
@ Pamcakes. Gots *are* sexy. when done right. Sexy goth, not grotty goth is where its at. I can get behind that!
February 5th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
Mike the answer to Barry O’s problems are easy. Just keep blaming the previous guy for it and saying your doing the best job you can. It is obvious that so many people mindlessly follow that guy and are more than willing to buy whatever bullshit explanation he comes up with, no matter how ridiculous and illogical it sounds to otherwise thinking, rational people.
February 5th, 2009 at 6:30 am
send me a message and i will answer all your questions
February 5th, 2009 at 1:41 am
michael swaim is 6′4″? hot.
February 5th, 2009 at 1:13 am
dear g-stone,
i really, really think you should address this issue:
i, and countless other 18 year old girls on facebook, want to have sex with you.
dirty, sweaty, no strings sex.
if you’re pressed for time, we can all share. we don’t mind.
leaving this matter in your large, sexy hands-
tex and some other facebookers.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:32 am
Gladders,*
Much as I love HBN, I think I prefer your written work.** Keep doing articles for Cracked;*** this sort of sabbatical I can get behind.
*I can call you ‘Gladders’ right?****
**But do another HBN soon anyway.
***Is this the correct use of a semicolon?
****It totally doesn’t matter. I’m going to anyway.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:17 am
Kid trips out after trip to dentist: the REMIX! hilarious!!! I’ll have what he’s having…
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=5690823d30d15269a980&page=1&viewtype=&category=rf
February 4th, 2009 at 11:21 pm
LOL, dude that is the funies thing I ever saw!
RT
http://www.online-anonymity.at.tc
February 4th, 2009 at 9:45 pm
Barry O sounds like its Barack Obama. Or am I an idiot for pointing out something everyone else already knew?
February 4th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
@KidMojo
Everyone got it - you were the only one who felt the need to actually point it out….
February 4th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
I like how nobody in the comments picked up on the fact that, “Barry O” is Obama, except for one guy.
Good job, that one guy.
February 4th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
One of those letters was obviously fake.
I mean, seriously. “Jynx” my buttocks. It’s common knowledge that Gladstone doesn’t like 18-year-olds. If you show him a legal ID, he immediately loses interest.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
I’m willing to contract this “super-chlamydia” if it means I can have sex with DOB. Having sex with O’Brien is required right? Yeah, I’m in. For science.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Also, Gladstone, what’s up with the forty different accounts? Just PICK one!
February 4th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
@Murray
Dude. That’s not cool.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Gladstone quit to answer the age old question, “If a hack writes lame shit in a forest with no one around to read it, is it still lame?”
Yes. Yes it’s still lame.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
I fucking hate those 25 Random Things lists. I’m considering murdering every friend who tags me in one.
Also, please become an advice columnist. Like a Dear Abby, only entertaining. Or at least write more columns. We all miss you.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
@Murray:
“actually?”
February 4th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Good stuff. And now I know G-Stone’s got a fetish for chicks posing next to plumbing fixtures. Kinky!
February 4th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
I actually liked Hate by Numbers. Bring it back.
February 4th, 2009 at 7:59 pm
Gladstone acknowledges Goths can be sexy!
*does a victory lap, and waits for all the elitist arseholes to jump on the Hot-Topic-Isn’t-Real-Goth wagon, despite the fact it’s not the lables on the clothes you wear, but how you wear them to express yourself that separates the Gothlings from the Emos. Having said that, she’s more of a Lip Service and Gallery Serpentine girl, herself.*
Yeah, that Barry O guy is just whining. With a defeatist attitude like that, how can he ever expect to live up to people’s expectations of him?
Incidentally, anyone see a magic negro wander through here? I have the Secret Service on the line, and apparently they’ve lost a guy…
Ah, well, I’m sure it’s no big deal.
Good article, Gladstone. You can be my Agony Uncle anytime.
P.
*does the Totally-Not-The-First-Commenter dance*
February 4th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
It’s great to hear from Gladstone again. Hopefully, HBN will come back sometime.
February 4th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Dear G-Stone,
Did you ever complain about the new Facebook? Do you still complain about it now? Do people invite you to become a pirate/ ninja/ thief/ ghost/ vampire? I refuse to add you because I’ve never spoken to you one-on-one, but if you add me I promise to maybe accept.
February 4th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Dear Gladstone,
Cracked used to be totally fucking HIGHlarious back when I was on massive amounts of painkillers( Morphine, Oxycontin and Lortabs 10mgs) after a drunk driver smacked into me about a little over a year and a half ago.
Well now that I’m off painkillers Cracked is only mildly amusing, please explain to me why this is and how I can fix it.
There is one exception to this, I can just look at little Danny O’Brien and just laugh and laugh and laugh.
February 4th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
G-STONE BACK!!!!!!???????
I think i just fell in love again.
February 4th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Gladstone-so great to have you back again. Funny stuff
DOB- Thanks for looking out for society with your untreatable chlamydia. You are a true humanitarian.
February 4th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Interestingly enough, I know the girl pictured above hugging the porcelain - her name is Jasmine.
What’s even more interesting is that I was on Dr. Phil last year (I shit you not, Google “Dr. Phil Internet Mistakes”) warning her about the problems one may face when they post wasted-ass photos on the internet…..hey! Like ending up in a Cracked article!
I’m revelling in the “I Told You So”s like snakes in the sunshine.
February 4th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Hi Gladstone, would you have time to do some charitable work to help young people? Many young women have body-image problems, so I think that if they sent you pictures of themselves in various states of undress, you could give them an independent assessment.
February 4th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
first!!!!!!!!!!!11111111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111
February 4th, 2009 at 3:54 pm
slightly sane, wasn’t that just yesterday? give me a second.
February 4th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
People, they want to give you free advice, well that’s something that I always try - but you get what you pay for, that’s what I’ll say, etc.
February 4th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I literally just created a Facebook profile specifically to be friends with G-Stone (*totally* gangster name, by the way). I only have like, 8 online friends. Which is like having 0 real life friends. Only you Gladstone. Only you.
February 4th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
What about the time when I asked you about the meaning of life…never did get back to me on that one.
February 4th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
dear gladstone,
there is a void in my life that i’ve tried to fill with dob, but he only gave me a social disease.
only you can fill the void! only you!
-tex
p.s. the part that needs filling is in my pants.
February 4th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
oh… great start to a shitty morning
February 4th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Well Dirty Jerz, perhaps you could ask Apnea what’s running off her mouth. I personally didn’t even notice that at first., but i’ve received some questions. If i had to guess i’m going with the cauking glue that’s in the back of the picture.
February 4th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Why is G Stones so obsessed with what DOB does with his genitals? I mean 1 STD reference might be ok, a little off, but I can dig it. You gotta let it go.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Dear Gladstone:
I’m having some troubles with my girlfriend. The sex is amazing, really, but I’m just worried I can’t commit to it emotionally. I love her, but I don’t know if it’s really what I want. What should I do?
- Unfulfilled in Utah.
Dear Unfulfilled in Utah:
This is a serious problem. I think I could use your girlfriend’s contact details, see if we can conference her in on this. Also what are her measurements, just out of curiousity? Also, what exactly do you guys do? Just for reference purposes.
- G’Stone
February 4th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Hey, the hot goth chick is Apnea. She is an amazing fetish model, I’m friends with her on ModelMayhem…
Great work, G-Stone
February 4th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
So DOB, you’re boning chicks and spreading your super-disease for humanitarian purposes? I see now.
I wonder if you can get some form of UN funding or at least a sponsorship for a “Boning Around the World for the People” world tour or something. Someone get Bill Gates on the phone.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
That Barry O. guy is fucked. Tell him to quit his job.
I like how someone has already identified the Hot Topic girl as a nude pinup model and even pinpointed the site she’s from. Us commenters are pretty damn smart. And perverted.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
Is it even safe to click on the link for G-Stone’s pictures?
Just by looking at them, you’ll be coming in contact with a least 5 STDs . . .oh wait thats DOB’s pictures. Damn internet STDs.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
lame.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Better would have been:
Dear Gladstone: My wife just found women’s clothing in my sock drawer. Does this mean she knows I’m a cross-dresser?
–Confused in Baltimore
Dear Confused in Baltimore: She does now.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
The hot topic girl pictured is called apneatic. She’s a nude pinup model that you can find on the godsgirls website.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Doesn’t anybody fucking get it? In creating this new hybrid medicine-resistant strain of chlamydia, I’m demonstrating the disastrous problems of Modern Medicine in America. Here’s what happens: Diseases are born, we come up with complex medicines and what happens? The diseases adapt, and become immune. Kids are receiving so many shots at such young ages that we’re creating breeds and breeds of super diseases that are stronger than the old diseases. I’m merely trying to highlight this problem by creating a high profile super disease. Maybe now the fat cats over at the enormous hospital that in my imagination represents all of modern medicine will sit up and take notice.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:46 am
lol
February 4th, 2009 at 11:26 am
I regularly comment on g-stone’s articles. Here I am commenting again.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:21 am
I’m already a friend. It makes me feel almost famous. Great article.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Swaim is 6′ 4″?
February 4th, 2009 at 11:11 am
i love ”cracked” reality…. also, the ”barry o” was well tought
February 4th, 2009 at 10:58 am
The only solution for Barry O is suicide.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I agree with your boss at B&N, two face-outs next to each other is wrong.
PS: Still waiting for the video of you and DoB having a sit up contest.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:45 am
Actually, the answer to #3 was: I put out.
Try it sometime, you fucking tease. All shaking it in those daisy dukes outside the drive-in but never hopping in the backseat, all ‘above-clothes’ only groping, all starting sexy flickr sets that end before we see anything good.
Publisher’s got needs too, man. You gotta satisfy ‘em or they’ll get it somewhere else. Somewhere like me.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:45 am
There is no chance. You WILL post again.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Dude, Gladstone was way better when he wasn’t featured on Cracked. Or rather, that is to say that Cracked was better without Gladstone.
February 4th, 2009 at 9:06 am
dear gladstone,
i want your sex. please help me with this. for real, man. dob can’t even begin to give me what i need.
your fav. facebook weirdo,
that texan
February 4th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Thanks for the dedication ’stone. You should know that you figure in my e-Acknowledgments - and if you pay attention, you might learn something.
http://www.captainfreedom.net/aknowledgments/
February 4th, 2009 at 8:50 am
hellllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooo
February 4th, 2009 at 8:40 am
If gladstone really left cracked, it’s strange that he does so much lurking in the shadows.
Perhaps he’s lonely…
February 3rd, 2009 at 3:30 pm
But it was real technical difficulties all those times I wanted to tell you about my small-town values and big-city dreams, right?
… I knew I should have sent the platform boot photos first.