Let it be known, faithful readers, that Michael Swaim would risk anything, even his untarnished record of utter reliability, to keep you entertained on your coffee breaks.
That is why, even though I am currently on a five day wilderness hike in Idyllwild (don't bother trying to find me and get an autograph; I wear a disguise whenever I'm out of the house), I wrote enough blog entries ahead of time so you'd never even know I was gone.
Except now I just told you, so I might as well take it a step further and blog on events I presume are going to occur by the time you read this on Friday, even though I'm writing it on Tuesday.
So what's the deal with Hannah Montana killing herself? I mean, we all knew she was depressed, but I guess something must have just really pushed her over the edge.
In a totally unrelated story, our own Daniel O'Brien has announced he is quitting blogging, as the Hannah Montana thing was really all he's got.
We'll miss you Danny. Maybe now that Bush has been elected to a third "bonus term" you can reprint reader comments about him.
Unless of course your draft number comes up. But I hear Iran is nice this time of year, even with the nuclear winter.
And hey, while you're over there you can catch a USO show starring America's newest teen pop sensation, the Propped Up Remains of Lindsay Lohan!
Don't forget to snap some photos of her with your iDeviceThatDoesEverything.
Also, bears have representation in the Senate now.
See you on Monday, fuckers! I better see nothing but positive comments when I get back. Remember, I have absolutely no way of defending myself and you're anonymous Internet readers, so it's your duty to display the utmost respect and sensitivity.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael walks up steep things with heavy weights on his back for fun and then has the brass to make fun of other people.