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Apple's Got Your Back, Fatass

Are you an obese person with a busy schedule? A "fatty on the go" as it were? Are you constantly finding yourself late to important fat guy functions—taking the middle seat in airplanes, sweating, wheezing—because of the inordinate amount of time it takes to order a burger?

Well, Apple is planning to change all that, with their newest groundbreaking technological innovation. Believe it or not, the rumored software would allow users to order food WITHOUT EVEN BEING IN A RESTAURANT. Sounds impossible, I know, but there it is.

By sending complex “digital wireless signals” or “codes” through the very aether itself, Apple's whizz-bang (and patented) system will, as if by magic, allow you to purchase and spur the production of a lunch order while driving to the restaurant, so that you can stuff your gullet with the carcinogen of your choice as quickly as humanly possible.

Unfortunately, Apple has yet to patent a system that would allow the food to come to you, eliminating the need for in-store pick-up, but I'm sure the innovation wizards are hard at work on a solution right now.

Inspired by these pioneers, these visionaries, I have invented some systems of my own, which I hope to patent as soon as Apple invents something that lets me patent things from home. Behold, innovations the likes of which the world has never seen:

  • A car dashboard-mounted device that wirelessly communicates with your garage door, causing it to open when you need to park. The user would simply press a button on the device or state “garage door open sequence initiate” to start the process.
  • A device capable of describing audibly, and in great detail, the user's physical appearance (clothing, hairstyle, etc.) at any given time, so as to aid the user in remaining fashionable and hygienic.
  • A computer applet that occasionally reminds the user when it will be time to renew and update the applet.

  • Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!

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