Apple's Got Your Back, Fatass
Are you an obese person with a busy schedule? A "fatty on the go" as it were? Are you constantly finding yourself late to important fat guy functionstaking the middle seat in airplanes, sweating, wheezingbecause of the inordinate amount of time it takes to order a burger?
Well, Apple is planning to change all that, with their newest groundbreaking technological innovation. Believe it or not, the rumored software would allow users to order food WITHOUT EVEN BEING IN A RESTAURANT. Sounds impossible, I know, but there it is.
By sending complex digital wireless signals or codes through the very aether itself, Apple's whizz-bang (and patented) system will, as if by magic, allow you to purchase and spur the production of a lunch order while driving to the restaurant, so that you can stuff your gullet with the carcinogen of your choice as quickly as humanly possible.
Unfortunately, Apple has yet to patent a system that would allow the food to come to you, eliminating the need for in-store pick-up, but I'm sure the innovation wizards are hard at work on a solution right now.
Inspired by these pioneers, these visionaries, I have invented some systems of my own, which I hope to patent as soon as Apple invents something that lets me patent things from home. Behold, innovations the likes of which the world has never seen:
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
Ive been lurking over here for so long and finally have the urge to comment. 1st of all, I wish to thank you for that fantastic posts. Second, thank you for writing Top quality content and not just rehashed posts that can be seen elsewhere. Undoubtedly a cool site I'd suggest.!..well, I've been bookmarking this site, that need to be enough proof of me recommending this lol.
ReplyThis is a great post and its very creative indeed but if only you people would properly give cubefield a shot. Its a great game. Very addicitve and very entertaining to all age groups.
Replycomputer games compatable with windows vista...
Replyyes indeed......
Or the i'Mbroke
ReplyRoss, those names aren't catchy enough. The obvious name for such a product would be the iJunkie
ReplyAndy, how about calling it the iPassOutInAnAlleywayOutOfMyHeadAndDrooling.
ReplyOr the LSD version: iSeeSomeInsaneShitDuuuude
Or needles full of heroin.
ReplyOMFG, I am so off to patent that right now. Don't you dare steal my idea bitches.
I think I'll call it the iDie.
Why not just hand deliver needles filled with fat and inject it straight into people's vains? Its basically what they're trying to do here right?
ReplyYeah, but what they don't tell you is that you have to surgically install an iGullet in your stomach, because the food served is not compatable with standard human digestive systems!
ReplySwaim I meant. Edit function, people edit, function!!!!!
ReplySwain, you with QEII's tits was funnier than the original topic in this post. Hands down!
ReplyFuck you, Rob! NOTHING'S more funny than the original topic!
ReplyFunyuns
ReplyThe comments are more funny than the original topic.
ReplyYeah! U-S-A! U-S-A!
ReplyOh, I'd just like to add that this device might hand the impetus back to the USA in the sprint (well...more like a fast waddle I suppose) to be the fattest nation on Earth. Last I heard, the UK and particularly my native Scotland were catching up, but since we lack the technological firepower of America then maybe you guys will still be numero uno fatties.
ReplyAm I reading the article right, or does it sound like Apple are patenting a whole new system/device which has the specific function of wirelessly ordering food? How exactly would this differ from, say, using the wireless function on your iphone to order your food over the internet?
ReplyApple must be just making any old shit up now, surely?
It will really get funny when some bored 13 year old makes a spambot that makes occasional orders in every restaurant in the US and the lawsuits against apple start coming in.
ReplyBecause steve, restaurant counter staff like to have the opportunity to laugh at you in person.
Replywhy can'T you order sushi or vegan meals as well?
Reply