Apparently It's Illegal To Have Sex With A Picnic Table In Public: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
Man Caught Having Sex with Picnic Table
On its surface, this story appears to be pretty simple: just your average run-of-the-mill pervert-has-sex-with-a-picnic-table news blurb. Yes, this man had sex with a picnic table on his porch, and yes, this man did so within a stone's throw of an elementary school, but there's more to it than that.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we've all looked at the umbrella hole in our picnic tables at one point or another and thought to ourselves, "I bet I could have sex with that." Some of us might have even propped the thing up on its side (just to see if the height thing would be an issue), and sure, maybe there was one particularly dark, moonless night when some among us might have even taken it a step further (just for a minute to see what it was like), but for most of us that's as far as we're willing to go. We're members of a society that doesn't permit that sort of behavior, and aside from momentary, alcohol-soaked, pontetially career-ending lapses in judgment, we play by the rules.
We understand that having sex with a picnic table in public is illegal.
Meanwhile the fat cats in Washington are in their private backyards, greedily humping away at their picnic tables and laughing maniacally. They hold crystal chalices full of Red Bull, vodka and baby blood (they call it an "Orphan Sunrise") in one hand, and pens in the other - the very same pens they used to sign the legislation that made it illegal to have sex with picnic tables in the first place. Then they retire to their living rooms, exhausted and drunk after a long day of humping picnic tables and drinking Orphan Sunrises, and they watch this story on the news, shaking their heads and clucking their tongues as if to say, "Oh, how DESPICABLE."
This isn't a story about some "freak" and his bizarre sexual habits; this is a story about a class struggle in a system that rewards the rich while penalizing the poor. This is the story of an American everyman, a man who refused to let social mores dictate his behavior. This isn't a story about a weirdo; this is a story about a HERO.
You know - a hero who dared to fuck a picnic table. On his front porch. While fully nude. In the middle of the day. Right next to an elementary school.
I think he took some sort of sponge. or foam and soaked it in KY. rolled it up and stuffed it in the hole in the table. That's a good way to make a table-p***y. Not that I'd know from personal experience or anything...
ReplyGreat read, thanks
ReplyI have found that in this day and age that the days of safe sex in any way shape or form are pretty much over.So as a man, a single man I have turned to the internet to fulfill my desires at this time in my life.Online I can find many options that do not run the same risks as playing the field.With so many different websites to chose from it is hard to decide which one to go to.Personally I prefer the ones where the model satifies my fantasies.
ReplyThat is just so absurd its amusing and strange at the same time! Whoddya thought of that?
ReplyWell, wouldn't you?
Reply*shifty eyes
I like that noone questions the neighbor's motive for filming it 4 times
ReplyAre there picnic tables in prison?
ReplyYou're missing the point Kingmonkey, it didn't say 'no' so how can we hold this fine gentleman responsible?
ReplySo, if I decide to have sex in my back yard (on a picnic table) with someone else, is that illegal? Is it the fact that he was partnerless having sex on a picnic table that people are having a problem with. Who knows, maybe he was into having sex with invisible women.
ReplyAndy, one might argue that in making no moves, and saying nothing by way of objection, the table gave it's tacit approval.
ReplyOf course, others might argue that the table may have been too scared to resist, and afterwards was too shaken and scarred to tell anyone it loved.
It's a difficult case.
If it was consensual, then who are we to judge?
ReplyI'm tired of all the sexual intolerance in America these days. Bestiality is a crime in most states, gay marriage is still prohibited, and if you want to have furious sex with a picnic table across the street from a school, you have to move to Canada.
ReplyMichael - um yes. good thinking, btw.
ReplySo basically this is great. That's all I have to say because I'm not clever enough to say something witty.
When you guys say slivers is that the same thing as splinters? Just curious, because I don't want to have to go to hospital in America and tell them I was fucking a picnic table when something got stuck in me but use the wrong terminology, you know? Safe sex and all that.
ReplyYes, gin..., that would have made all the difference. There's truly nothing as fine in life as humping a well-aged piece of furniture.
ReplyMaybe the picnic table wasn't 18?
Replymike: "more clever"? irony is best when it writes itself
ReplyYou can't fuck children, relatives, animals, furniture... unless you do it in your basement or some cult.
ReplyIf you really take a look at one of them, those picnic table umbrella rods are fairly thick by comparison to a penis. He must have had to pad the hole with something just to make contact. (If he didnt. he must be adequately endowed that humping a picnicn table whould not have been a necessary course of action.)
ReplyI thought America was the land of the free. Doesn’t that mean you can fuck whatever you want?
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