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Apparently It's Illegal To Have Sex With A Picnic Table In Public: The Daily Nooner (EST)!

Man Caught Having Sex with Picnic Table

On its surface, this story appears to be pretty simple: just your average run-of-the-mill pervert-has-sex-with-a-picnic-table news blurb. Yes, this man had sex with a picnic table on his porch, and yes, this man did so within a stone's throw of an elementary school, but there's more to it than that.

Whether we want to admit it or not, we've all looked at the umbrella hole in our picnic tables at one point or another and thought to ourselves, "I bet I could have sex with that." Some of us might have even propped the thing up on its side (just to see if the height thing would be an issue), and sure, maybe there was one particularly dark, moonless night when some among us might have even taken it a step further (just for a minute to see what it was like), but for most of us that's as far as we're willing to go. We're members of a society that doesn't permit that sort of behavior, and aside from momentary, alcohol-soaked, pontetially career-ending lapses in judgment, we play by the rules.

We understand that having sex with a picnic table in public is illegal.

Meanwhile the fat cats in Washington are in their private backyards, greedily humping away at their picnic tables and laughing maniacally. They hold crystal chalices full of Red Bull, vodka and baby blood (they call it an "Orphan Sunrise") in one hand, and pens in the other - the very same pens they used to sign the legislation that made it illegal to have sex with picnic tables in the first place. Then they retire to their living rooms, exhausted and drunk after a long day of humping picnic tables and drinking Orphan Sunrises, and they watch this story on the news, shaking their heads and clucking their tongues as if to say, "Oh, how DESPICABLE."

This isn't a story about some "freak" and his bizarre sexual habits; this is a story about a class struggle in a system that rewards the rich while penalizing the poor. This is the story of an American everyman, a man who refused to let social mores dictate his behavior. This isn't a story about a weirdo; this is a story about a HERO.

You know - a hero who dared to fuck a picnic table. On his front porch. While fully nude. In the middle of the day. Right next to an elementary school.

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Ross Wolinsky

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