Man Caught Having Sex with Picnic Table
On its surface, this story appears to be pretty simple: just your average run-of-the-mill pervert-has-sex-with-a-picnic-table news blurb. Yes, this man had sex with a picnic table on his porch, and yes, this man did so within a stone’s throw of an elementary school, but there’s more to it than that.
Whether we want to admit it or not, we’ve all looked at the umbrella hole in our picnic tables at one point or another and thought to ourselves, “I bet I could have sex with that.” Some of us might have even propped the thing up on its side (just to see if the height thing would be an issue), and sure, maybe there was one particularly dark, moonless night when some among us might have even taken it a step further (just for a minute to see what it was like), but for most of us that’s as far as we’re willing to go. We’re members of a society that doesn’t permit that sort of behavior, and aside from momentary, alcohol-soaked, pontetially career-ending lapses in judgment, we play by the rules.
We understand that having sex with a picnic table in public is illegal.
Meanwhile the fat cats in Washington are in their private backyards, greedily humping away at their picnic tables and laughing maniacally. They hold crystal chalices full of Red Bull, vodka and baby blood (they call it an “Orphan Sunrise”) in one hand, and pens in the other - the very same pens they used to sign the legislation that made it illegal to have sex with picnic tables in the first place. Then they retire to their living rooms, exhausted and drunk after a long day of humping picnic tables and drinking Orphan Sunrises, and they watch this story on the news, shaking their heads and clucking their tongues as if to say, “Oh, how DESPICABLE.”
This isn’t a story about some “freak” and his bizarre sexual habits; this is a story about a class struggle in a system that rewards the rich while penalizing the poor. This is the story of an American everyman, a man who refused to let social mores dictate his behavior. This isn’t a story about a weirdo; this is a story about a HERO.
You know - a hero who dared to fuck a picnic table. On his front porch. While fully nude. In the middle of the day. Right next to an elementary school.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 1st, 2008 at 11:00 am and is filed under News, Nooners, Perverts, Video, WTF. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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July 15th, 2009 at 4:58 am
Picnics are cool and exciting. It is definitely wise to save for the rainy days, considering the current economy. A good old fashion picnic is a superb way to save and have fun.. Also, typically most kids love the outdoors, so picnics are a great match. Get your picnic baskets and have fun.
April 10th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
Well, wouldn’t you?
*shifty eyes
April 9th, 2008 at 6:21 am
I like that noone questions the neighbor’s motive for filming it 4 times
April 5th, 2008 at 7:58 pm
Are there picnic tables in prison?
April 5th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
You’re missing the point Kingmonkey, it didn’t say ‘no’ so how can we hold this fine gentleman responsible?
April 5th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
So, if I decide to have sex in my back yard (on a picnic table) with someone else, is that illegal? Is it the fact that he was partnerless having sex on a picnic table that people are having a problem with. Who knows, maybe he was into having sex with invisible women.
April 4th, 2008 at 7:40 am
Andy, one might argue that in making no moves, and saying nothing by way of objection, the table gave it’s tacit approval.
Of course, others might argue that the table may have been too scared to resist, and afterwards was too shaken and scarred to tell anyone it loved.
It’s a difficult case.
April 4th, 2008 at 7:09 am
If it was consensual, then who are we to judge?
April 3rd, 2008 at 7:26 pm
At least it wasn’t a bicycle: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/26/nsex126.xml
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
I’m tired of all the sexual intolerance in America these days. Bestiality is a crime in most states, gay marriage is still prohibited, and if you want to have furious sex with a picnic table across the street from a school, you have to move to Canada.
April 3rd, 2008 at 11:55 am
Wait, emma– was the guy a singer who was widely accepted on blackcentury.com or the table. One of these things wouldn’t make sense; much like your post.
April 3rd, 2008 at 9:10 am
Michael - um yes. good thinking, btw.
So basically this is great. That’s all I have to say because I’m not clever enough to say something witty.
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:01 am
Oh, have heard of his name for long. But didn’t know himself. He did a great job in this music. I know his songs are widely welcome at the interracial dating club blackcentury.com. Many girls love it very much.
April 2nd, 2008 at 6:49 pm
When you guys say slivers is that the same thing as splinters? Just curious, because I don’t want to have to go to hospital in America and tell them I was fucking a picnic table when something got stuck in me but use the wrong terminology, you know? Safe sex and all that.
April 2nd, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Yes, gin…, that would have made all the difference. There’s truly nothing as fine in life as humping a well-aged piece of furniture.
April 2nd, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Maybe the picnic table wasn’t 18?
April 2nd, 2008 at 11:05 am
mike: “more clever”? irony is best when it writes itself
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:49 am
You can’t fuck children, relatives, animals, furniture… unless you do it in your basement or some cult.
April 2nd, 2008 at 8:35 am
If you really take a look at one of them, those picnic table umbrella rods are fairly thick by comparison to a penis. He must have had to pad the hole with something just to make contact. (If he didnt. he must be adequately endowed that humping a picnicn table whould not have been a necessary course of action.)
April 1st, 2008 at 6:15 pm
I thought America was the land of the free. Doesn’t that mean you can fuck whatever you want?
April 1st, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Slivers from a metal table would really suck. I think they said it was metal…oh well. Great story!
April 1st, 2008 at 4:32 pm
I think it was one of those round metal tables, chiemilin. But it’s still a funny thought.
April 1st, 2008 at 3:17 pm
I guess there are worse places and worse things to have sex with. But I just keep wondering…. do you think he got slivers?
April 1st, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I wonder about the kid in the mini van so clearly advocates a zero-tolerance policy for picninc-table fucking. Does he have something to hide?
April 1st, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Humping the tables of picnics. I’ve always wondered if “ants at a picnic” would apply here… perhaps termites would be the equivalent of “having a child” for picnic tables?
I apologize. That was… uh… I think it was too far.
April 1st, 2008 at 12:54 pm
kingmonkey+1: that was truly funny. Thanks for the laugh. I was really hoping the video would show some humping. I’m disappointed.
April 1st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Is it just me, or do you think that, mid-coitus, the picnic table would sorta look like a spinning top?
April 1st, 2008 at 11:40 am
You know, in Casnadia, it’s entirely legal to open my living room curtains and masturbate with frenzied obsession in full view of the public as long as I want, because it turns out it’s illegal for people to be looking through my windows at what I do. Hypothetically, you understand.
I wonder if there’s a law that says what this guy was doing would have been legal if he just had the sense to do it in the basement like a normal tablehumper.
April 1st, 2008 at 11:17 am
Come on, who among us has not romanticized furniture? It has everything I like in a lover: big, uncomfortable, and it can’t get away.
April 1st, 2008 at 11:13 am
I am more up to date then Ross. I posted an article on this in the mirth canal a few days ago… although I’m glad you commentated on it because you’re much more clever than me.