Apparently Bill O'Reilly Has ALWAYS Been A Douche: The Daily Nooner (EST)!
You know what I'd do with a time machine? Grab a laptop, load up a bunch of websites with people all like "ZOMG BILL O'REILLY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE" on them, and head back in time to the set of Inside Edition, just a few seconds before this rant happened. Ol' Billy boy was just your average soft news douche back then, introducing Sting "cuts" with a full head of hair and flipping out on innocent teleprompter operators. The phone booth would shoot out of the floor of the set (because time machines are made out of phone booths - duh), the camerman would yell "CUT!" and O'Reilly would be all "GET THAT FUCKING PHONE BOOTH OFF MY SET!" But then I'd be all "I'mmmmm frrroooommmmm the fuuutttuuuurrreeee" and Bill cower in the corner like "NOOOO!" because, as you probably know, Bill O'Reilly is completely terrified of time travelers who talk like spooky ghosts. Seriously - he's like the real-life version of a black chef in a 20s movie.
Anyway, once his guard is down I'll whip out the laptop and show him all the blogs like "ZOMG BILL O'REILLY IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE," and at first he'll be like "What does 'ZOMG' mean?" and I'll be like, "Oh yeah - it's the early 90s and internet slang doesn't exist yet." But then I'll explain to him that none of that matters, and that the important part of the story is that everyone in the future thinks he's a dick. He'll probably get all defensive at first, and then he'll get angry and turn back to the teleprompter and go off on the rant that's in this video. Then after he's done with that he'll start bargaining with me, like "Maybe I can be a dick now and turn into a nicer guy later?" Then he'll get super sad and cry a little at the craft service table, and then eventually he'll give up and be like, "Okay, fine - I accept that everyone in the future hates me." The five stages of grief will be complete, and I'll nod knowingly, turn around, and start walking back to my phone booth to return to the present.
Then right before I punch in the final number of today's date on the keypad, Bill O'Reilly will call out to me. "Hey, wait a minute," he'll say. "What the hell are all those interconnected pages filled with text, pictures, and clickable hyperlinks?"
I'll crack the door to the phone booth open and give a sly little wink. "It's called the internet, Mr. O'Reilly, and pretty much everyone on it thinks you're dick."
I'd Pay Good Money To See Those Two Dooshbags Go At It In The Ring on PPV!!!
Reply"Bill O'Reilly vs.Keith Olbermann!!This Time It's Real and It's Personal!!".
Plus,let's have a Mud Wrestling Competition between NeoCon Dooshettes Ann Coulter and Michelle Malcontent and Liberal Dooshettes Rachel Maddow and Randi Rhodes!!!
Gustatus Similis Pullis
Excellent blog, i like it. Can't wait to see what you write about. Go for it!
Replyi started to search for Bill O'Reilly on google and it popped up "Bill O'Reilly is an idiot" as a suggested search.
ReplyThey tell it like it is, those Atlantis-swappin' bastards.
BTW,Not all Irish Americans are Catholic!!
ReplyHave you ever heard of Ulster's Scots-Irish Protestants??
We were Lowland Scots that the British kicked oout of Scotland and sent us to kick the Catholic Irish off their land,then getting kicked out of Ulster and sent to America where we turned the tables on the Brits in the Revolutionary War and war of 1812!!
Do Davy Crockett;Andrew Jackson;Sam Houston;"Stonewall"Jackson and Audie Murphy ring a bell??
They all were great fightin'men and Scots-Irish to boot!!
"If all Else Fails,I Shall Retreat to the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia and Plant My Flag!!There,With The Help Of The Scots-Irish,I Will Make My Stand!!"-George Washington.
Hey Billy!!!My Paternal Ancestors can kick your Paternal Ancestor's Asses all the way back to Ireland!!
Well,Billo's at it again!!He's all po'ed because the makers of Guitar Hero have Supermodel Heidi Klum do the"Risky Business":Dance in her Bra and Panties!!
ReplyAs usual,his claim is"It's Not The sort of Thing we should Be showing Our Children!!".
Or something to that extent!!
This from Mr.Grab Ass/Phone Sex!!Funny thing,ten years ago,these same bunch of self righteous windbags thought nothing about telling us the explicit details of Clinton gettin'a BJ from Monica Lewinsky,yet they get all bent out of shape because a model dances around in her undies in a commercial!!
Of course,these same bunch soundly condemned Jamie Lynn Spears for being an unwed teenage mother while praising Bristol Palin for being in the same condition!!
The reason:Bristol Palin's'Baby Daddy'said he'd marry her!!
Well,Sarah Palin didn't get to be the Veep,so suddenly,we hear no more about her and her'Baby Daddy'!!
Hmm???!!!Makes me wonder if he flew the coop asap after finding out his Mother in Law didn't win the election so he's off the hook!!
Of course,in 1992,while Dan Quayle was busy condemning Candace Bergen's TV Character"Murphy Brown"for being an unwed mother and declaring she's"Destroying Family Values!!",
real life unwed mom and C&W Singer Tanya Tucker sang at the GOP Convention that year!!
And C&W Singer Gretchen Wilson,the Redneck Woman herself is an unwed mom,yet she's supported the GOP!!
Hmmm!!I guess it's wrong to be an unwed mother-unless-your Mother's the Governor of Alaska and Vice Presedential Candidate;
or if your'e a Country Singer who supports the GOP!!
Then it's okay!!
As Led Zepplin sang in"Stairway to Heaven":"It Makes Me Wonder".
Well you know what they say about Lucky Charms, they're magically delicious. They 've changed the nature of the charms over the years. Now Lucky the leprechauns main worry about his Lucky Charms is his red balloons.
ReplyAs a side note Mr.Clean and Lucky used to be an item, but there were some spousal abuse charges and lately Lucky has been seen in the company of Toucan Sam.The flavor of fruit and all.
GRAHAM NORTON IS GAY????????????!!!!!!!!?????!!!!?,
I was thinking more Graham Norton but thanks buddy, from now on whenever I hear the Lucky Charms leprechaun say "they're after me lucky charms" I'll really know 'lucky charms' is secret slang for anus.
ReplyYeah,that leprechaun from Lucky Charms cereal, he's gay as hell, not that there anything wrong with that, but I'm just saying.
ReplyA 6'4" Irishman doesn't make him sound tough, just makes him sound tall and Irish.
ReplyI've been around quite a few Irish people, they're not all tough, gay Irish people do exist.
Seven stages of grief, nice.
ReplyYou show me a tape of Olbermann acting like a spoiled two year old and I'll gladly add him to my list.
ReplyI said this earlier in too, size has nothing to do with the ability to kick someone ass. Look at DOB and Gladstone, who as Mace and Machete, are still two of the premium
asskickers in Rhode Island history.
Their combined heights are barely over 10.5 feet and they are still feared by the Chechnyan mini mafia, a group that traded in illegal growth hormones.
"It’s called the internet, Mr. O’Reilly, and pretty much everyone on it thinks you’re dick."
ReplyActually, I don't see how that'd bother him; it's probably one of the biggest points in his personal plus column. I know it doesn't bother me what millions of anonymous assholes think about anything.
By the way, you wanna kick his ass? Best not to fuck with a 6,4 Irishman right off the bat; start with smaller targets such as Keith Olbermann and work your way up from there. That guy sorely needs a beating.
I could kick that one balled Austrian paperhangers ass too.
ReplyIt could be argued we could have stopped Hitler by kicking his ass in 1932.
Reply"Kicking Bill O’Reilly’s ass would be a pretty pointless exercise. You just know the only lesson he would learn from it is “Hey, maybe if I was even ANGRIER things will be better.”"
ReplyWell for one thing it would make me feel much better, so in that regard it would not be pointless and if he just got angrier he would just get his ass beat again and every man has his breaking point.
This blog didn't make any sense.
ReplyYou guys are straying from the point, being: O'Reilly is a total dick.
ReplyKicking Bill O'Reilly's ass would be a pretty pointless exercise. You just know the only lesson he would learn from it is "Hey, maybe if I was even ANGRIER things will be better."
ReplyI've heard that several way throughout my life, but I just finished rereading the last two or three books so yeah the wording definitely is J.K. Rowlings.
Reply"The best way to say this is if you want to take a true measure of a man look how he treats his subordinates"
ReplyI know I'm opening myself up to ridicule by admitting that I know this, but you took that almost word for word from Harry Potter 4.