Cracked Columnists

Anyone Want A Copy Of GTA IV? I'm Over It: The Friday Nooner (EST)!

I don't know if you guys have noticed, but we've been pluggingGrand Theft Auto IVprettyhard this week. Some of you have probably been wondering how much free shit Rockstar has been giving us, how many sacks with dollar signs we've had to haul to the bank in the last week. Before today I would've dismissed such insinuations with a wave of my hand. "No, no - you've got it all wrong," I'd say. "We're plugging the game because we're fans, not for material gain."

Or at least that's what I would've said before I saw this trailer for 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand. Although if you caught me right after I saw it, I probably still would've said something like that because, you know, I thought it was a joke. But if you caught me a few minutes later, after I'd googled it and confirmed that it was a REAL video game about 50 Cent killing terrorists, well, I'd probably say something different. You know - something like "Fuck GTA IV - this is going to be the greatest video game of all time."

The plot of the game goes something like this: 50 Cent and G-Unit play a concert in the Middle East for some reason, the promoter pays them with Damien Hirst's "For the Love of God" (retail price: $100 million), and then some bad guys steal it and 50 has to try to get it back. It's important to note that, according to the game's Wikipedia entry, "much of the game is spent following 50 Cent when he is without the skull."

Thanks, Wikipedia.

It's been almost seven years since that whole 9/11 thing happened. (See? We TOLD YOU we'd never forget!). Why in the name of God has it taken SEVEN YEARS to start seeing video games where our favorite rappers roam the Middle East killing terrorists?! If you're reading this, video game industry, please make a game where you play as Biggie and have to chase Bin Laden through the caves of Afghanistan... on GO KARTS. Or how about one where you're Snoop Dogg and you have to find weed to buy in Fallujah? (Snoop LOVES weed.) Wait, no! Make one where you have to keep P. Diddy's fancy clothes clean in the middle of war-torn Baghdad! You could call it Super Keep-Diddy's-Clothes-Clean Man or something. Whatever - it's a working title. If you hire me, video game industry, I promise I'll come up with a better one. Although you should probably just hire me regardless. See all those ideas? I just made those up in like 10 seconds.

Please hire me.