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There is no greater testament to the power of love than the physical affection shared between owner and pet, proving a universal truth we always knew in our hearts to be true: The strongest relationships in the world are not forged from attraction or passion, but from dependence and captivity. Every day, pet owners are reminded of the unbreakable bond built on mandatory friendship in each wagged tail, each nuzzle from a horse, each time a cat agrees not to poop in the pantry. These things, they add up. They warm our hearts, they keep us grounded and above all, they help us live forever.

"Your innocence fuels my immortality."

So after all our animals do for us, it's particularly hard to watch them get sick or depressed. Millions of people turn to the Internet with frantic searches asking for help with their animals, but sadly, the Internet is full of misinformation designed to sell pet medication and doggie spa packages to panicked owners. To get real, honest answers, you need to turn to a real, honest person instead of a search engine. You need someone who understands and lives by animal instinct alone. Someone who isn't doing it for the money and who won't judge you for whatever brand of love you choose to practice with your pet. You need someone like my Uncle Frank.

For the past year, Uncle Frank has made a point of answering completely real questions posed to search engines because he genuinely wants to help desperate people, and because his correctional councilor said he ought to try writing more. Some may call him an inspiration, or a hero, though he would insist you call him just Frank. At least he used to, when I was 12.

For more from Soren, check out A Guide to Giving Blood and Winning Back the Woman You Love and Matching X-Men On Real Dating Sites: An Experiment.

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