Some of you may remember my blog post on Monday about environmentalists, and why I don't necessarily “hate” them, but I may “harbor a feeling of extreme enmity, revulsion, or hatred” towards them.
Well, in exhaustively researching that deeply factually flawed piece of info-journalism, I had the unexpected pleasure of being confronted with a series of (mostly) gorgeous naked women while image searching for bullshit pictures to keep you interested during my long, rambling tirade. And here they are:
Seriously, those are all on the first page of a Google Image Search for “PETA.” Don't read the text on that first one, by the way; it's the exact opposite of what belongs on a picture of a naked woman. By which I mean it's the exact opposite of [insert joke about your penis and/or sperm].
Also, WHO STILL WEARS FUR?!! I mean, if it's going to get Alicia Silverstone naked, I guess it's fine, but I seriously haven't seen anyone wearing fur in at least five years. The whole thing is bizarre, and implies that at some point in the past, at PETA's public relations headquarters, this conversation occurred:
A Dog, Who is also President of PETA: You guys, people totally hate us for our extremism. What should we do? Blow up something?
6th Degree Vegan: I have an even better idea. Naked ladies.
3rd Degree Vegan: What about them?
6th Degree Vegan: Put them everywhere. All our ads. Connect them to our cause, no matter how tenuously.
A Dog: But that has nothing to do with our beliefs or values.
6th Degree Vegan: Yeah but sex sells.
3rd Degree Vegan: Really?
6th Degree Vegan: I'm pretty sure. I read it on the back of a business book while I was in line at Kinko's.
A Dog: You went to Kinko's?! Don't you know their glue base is made from the eye jelly of the endangered Moroccan Root Beetle?!
6th Degree Vegan: Oh No!
The 6th Degree Vegan kills himself in the traditional PETA method, by standing up too fast and collapsing from exhaustion. The others, loathe to let any part of an animal go to waste, construct a crude bicycle out of the corpse and ride it to a falafel bar.
So don't masturbate too hard, fellas (and lesbos; I don't discriminate). Most of those women are nuts.
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes HUGELY DIGGABLE OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW WELL THAT THING DID !!! videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!