Ladies and gentlemen, I’m here to tell you a story. A story that may very well burrow into your soul and take up permanent residence; a chilling tale so unbelievable it would be incredible, if only it weren’t absolutely true. I talk of the arrival of the world’s first supervillain.
His name (until he publicly changes it to “Professor Sin” or somesuch) is Jim Blanning, and he looks like this.
Terrified yet? Well, maybe I’m getting ahead of myself…
Dateline: Aspen. New Year’s Eve. All seems as it should be: the skiers and snowboarders have retired to their respective lodges for hot cocoa and corn muffins, the snow bunnies flit around the room in their woolen finery, each a gift to the world, an affirmation of the renewal that the clock is making ready to strike.
But tonight, the clock will not strike midnight, my friends. Tonight, the clock strikes only FEAR.
Kaboom! In the distance, the rumble of an explosion. Kaboom! Panicked looks on the faces of children huddled around the fire. What was that sound? Whatever it was, it sounds like it’s getting closer to—
BLAMMO! The cabin’s logs are wrenched out of place and projected inward by a mighty blast! Logs, instantly aflame, rocket into the mass of partygoers and start pummeling their faces indiscriminately. Oh, cruel inertia, they curse, as their faces are reduced to a pink jelly by the impact…
Well, that’s what would have happened, if the police hadn’t discovered and disarmed four bombs and evacuated the area. I know what you’re thinking: that’s your evidence of supervillainy? A failed bombing attempt?
Did I mention the bombs were DISGUISED AS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?
At this point, I think it’s prudent to start compiling evidence of Blanning’s supervillain status in bold bullet points, both for clarity’s sake and because it’s scarier that way.
So here we’ve got a guy planning to bomb a wealthy resort town on New Year’s Eve, using bombs disguised as presents. But why? Was there any motive?
Of course there was, and like any great supervillain, Blanning made his intentions painfully clear through a series of sardonic notes addressed to the authorities. See if you can determine which of the following statements was NOT in one of Blanning’s notes:
If you guessed any of those, you are wrong. The correct answer is that he said all of those things. All of those things were in the note, which may or may not have been delivered via crossbow bolt shot into a telephone pole outside police headquarters.
But who was this man, Blanning? According to friends, he was “a wild ladies’ man,” “a known swindler,” and the disgruntled head of a mining company that had seen its revenue dwindle as Aspen became more of a resort town.
Imagine him, sitting in his lair, becoming more and more bitter as he watches flocks of tourists wander around Aspen on his series of town-wide hidden surveillance cameras. Is it any wonder he turned on the people who drove him to poverty? To unemployment? To swindling?
They took everything from him, and he was about to take something back.
According to police, Blanning shot himself to death soon after his plot was foiled. Thus, the denizens of Aspen are safe once again, secure in the knowledge that a troubled man will trouble them no longer.
Or is that just what he wants us to think?
According to my own sources, the “body” police found in Blanning’s cabin was so mangled it is nearly impossible to determine its true identity. My guess: a loyal henchman, sacrificing his life so Blanning could make his escape. This theory is corroborated by a mysterious set of tracks leading to the stream by Blanning’s house and the absence of his favorite canoe.
All this, only a week after a guy dressed as Santa shot a bunch of people at a Christmas party with guns and a flamethrower hidden in Christmas packages, then set up his car so that anyone who tried to pick up the note he left on the seat would trigger a massive explosion. Then he too killed himself, and also burned himself alive for good measure. It’s either an astounding coincidence, the beginnings of a global conspiracy, or else the world is a much sadder place than I’m willing to admit.
That’s why, as much as I’d like to believe that this asshole (who shot, among others, the little girl that happened to answer the door for Santa Clause) ate a bullet after his flesh was slowly charred from his body, my gut is telling me that either Blanning’s finally unlocked the secret of the Time Crystals (what did you think he was mining for all those years?), or we’ve got some sort of holiday-themed Legion of Doom on our hands. Except instead of harmlessly taking time out of Superman’s day, these guys are genuinely killing people in grotesque ways.
I say we get a group of superheroes together before Valentine’s Day rolls around and we’ve got to deal with chocolate hearts filled with acid and man-sized Cupids with explosives-tipped arrows.
If you, like me, want to help save the world from the clearly impending danger of fucking lunatics, please sign up for the New New Superfriends below. Please include your superhero name, any special powers, and what drove you to fight evil. As an example, I’ve provided my own entry form here:
Name: Michael Swaim
Superhero Name: The Architect of Funk
Powers: Free form jazz, mild asthma, and laser eyes (only manifested once).
Reason for Fighting Evil: Craves the attention.
By accepting admission into this sacred guild, you are also accepting the following solemn responsibilities: to protect innocents at all costs, to identify the potentially insane and befriend them or, failing that, leave them gagged and bound to a streetlamp for police to pick up, and to chokeslam any motherfucker who you see aiming a gun at someone on Christmas.
In exchange, you are endowed with all the rights and privileges of a New New Superfriend. Namely, that you are above the law, free to take matters into your own hands, and get a 10% discount on selected kitchen items at Crate and Barrel.
To arms!
When not saving the Free World, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Sunday, January 11th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Aspen, Bombs, Comic Books, Crime, Legion of Doom, News, Superfriends, Supervillains. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
How I Spent My Summer Vacation, By Michael Swaim (Age 24)
The Funniest Comedic Failure in the History of YouTube
Hollywood Gives Up: Keanu Reeves to Play Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde
The 5 Most Likely Ways Humans Will Become Obsolete
Aging Beatle Ravaged by Gull-Faced Harpy!
Scenes from the 2008 Olympic Games, As Reported By The Chinese National Press News Skim
OJ’s ‘Acquittal Party’ Planner: Worst Job Ever?
The 5 Biggest News Stories You Missed During Election Season
An Open Letter To Michael Cera
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 13th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Name: Tiana Ryoleli
Superhero Name: The Gimp
Powers: Overwhelming and biting sarcasm derived from a life of pain and bitterness.
Reason for fighting evil: So I can shove the fact that i’m above the law and the Supervillains only wish they were down their throats. /Literally/.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:43 am
Name: Mountain Tamer
Superhero Name:Mountain Fucker
Powers: Refer to name, also pretty good at halo
Reason for fighting evil:I need a job
Also anyone from North Carolina is probably a villain and trying to disrupt your organization.
October 13th, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Name: Thomas Cruz
Superhero Name: That Douche Bag
Powers: Ability to summon Luke Cage-like strength and blackness.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To tell the ladies that I can, in fact, believe it’s not butter.
October 6th, 2009 at 12:43 am
Name: Peter
Superhero name: Peter Pumeller
Powers: Delivering a rapid succesion of low powered punches to the face.
Reason for fighting Evil: To much spare time
September 28th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Name: Hunter
Superhero Name: Blood Hunter
Powers I currently have: A large resume of street fights, Amateur wrestling, Tae Kwon Doe, and Muay Thai. As well as; Excellent shot (I’ve hit a duck in the eye before) with both rifles and shotguns, good at computers, lock picking, and improv weaponry
Reason for fighting evil: Fuck it, I’M A SUPERHERO, for christ sakes
September 27th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Name: Kurt
Superhero name: Kurt, because fake names are for pussies
Power: Some pretty serious swordfighting skills.
Reason for fighting evil: For the chance to be above the law, the opportunity to stab mortherfuckers, and for the 10% discount at crate and barrel.
September 20th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Name: InuGhost
Superhero Name: Insanity Master
Powers: Excellent recolection of TV shows & movies, able to figure out movie plots 1/2 through the movie.
Reasons to fight evil: Was kicked out of the New New League of Evil for killing half the new recruits for disobeying orders, for stagging a mildly successful hostile takeover, and being considered too evil for the League.
September 18th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Name: Fima
Superhero name: MC Caf fey
Powers: Throwing scalding tea at people, a pimp slap that can break bricks and useless prophecy powers [being able to predict mundane conversations]
Reasons to fight evil: Shits and giggles, dragons and windmills, and most of all, to see the bastards squeel before i pimpslap them to death
September 17th, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Name: Joe
Superhero name: Whiplash
Powers: Wicked nut tap
Reason for fighting evil: It’s gay if I run around smacking peoples nuts, but if I’m doing it for Good, then it’s ok.
NOTE: Ineffective against girls for both the obvious reason and that I’m scared of them.
September 9th, 2009 at 2:52 am
name: jabobotron
superhero name: the flaccid avenger
powers: the powers of abstinence! (not my choice.)
reasons for fighting evil: herpes killed my family at a reunion. i ducked under a table and swore vengeance on all that would make me discharge pus.
September 8th, 2009 at 7:44 pm
Semantic Identity: Scotch HotChicken
Superhero Moniker: The Narcoleptic Avenger
Awesome Aptitudes: Summon bullet-proof unicorns, talk to pidgeons, tappin’ skank.
Motivation to pwn Evil: To compensate for my incredibly small penis while still getting to wear stretchy pants in public.
August 27th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Name: Xelrath
Superhero Name: Coldheart Man
Powers: Crush people. Physically and psychically.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To kill everyone who is more evil than me.
so i can become the nemesis of my former Superhero friends.
August 26th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Name: Maizy
Superhero Name: Top Hat Woman
Powers: The ability to conjure top hats, throw cats at people, has a pet dinosaur (grass-eating). Shoots lasers from FACE.
Reason for Fighting Evil: CONJURES TOP HATS. COME ON!!!!
August 15th, 2009 at 1:53 am
Name: Me
Alias: Captain Obvious
Powers: The ability to turn up at any crime scene, and point out startlingly obvious facts, ability to monologue people to death from sheer obviousness, super awesome knitting skills.
Reason for fighting crime: If you are obvious in real life, people call you a jackass. Put on a costume, you’re a fuckin’ superhero! And nobody fucks with them, except for Supervillains. Obviously.
August 5th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Name: ME
Alias: (whatever embarrassing names my mother affectionalty calls me, like Sugar Pumpkin, Wobby Bobby, or the on she uses when summoning me between several rooms: “Are you Masterbating”
Powers: Mad disco skillz, and the ability to kick ass… so long as said ass is connected to those who are unfortunantly bending over.
Reason for fighting crime: Mom thinks a certain 30 year old guy needs to spend less time in her basement… *Sigh*
August 3rd, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Name: Harry Harrison
Alias: The Hipstar
Powers: The ability to openly mock things I secretly enjoy and to arrive late at the scene of every crime. Also the ability to assimilate whatever style is popular at the time without developing a personal sense of style.
Reason for Crime Fighting: I’m a world renowned jewel thief so I do it “ironically”.
July 31st, 2009 at 8:34 am
Name: Kristov Mikhailovich Katchka
Alias: The Donkey Puncher
Powers: Been known to donkey punch people when they least expect it (when do people expect to be D.P.’ed?), incredibly jewish, constantly touches genitals … wait is this my powers or my pschological review?
Reason for fighting Evil: Back during the cold war The Donkey Punchers family were in the business of retrieving hard to get items, and providing protection for a fee. After the fall of the wall things got worse, and he decided that this life was not for him. So doing what every other former criminal does, he escaped to America and donkey punched anyone who got in the way of justice … in the face.
July 26th, 2009 at 9:48 am
Name: Cody
Alias: The Slooth
Powers: I’m always win, Sore Loser (and i WILL get you back if i lose at anything), angry nerd, great deductive reasoning (too many Nightwing comics)
Reasons for fighting evil: Like i said, TOO MANY NIGHTWING COMICS.
July 25th, 2009 at 9:28 pm
I can understand slaughtering people during Christmastime. Everyone bitches because they “have” to buy presents for people they don’t like, you can’t drive anywhere because the roads are full of assholes trying to find gifts, and no one has the Christmas spirit of happiness and fulfillment anymore.
That being said, the only holiday that deserves to be screwed up more is Valentine’s Day. It’s a stupid, fake holiday that makes the world look like a 13-year-old girl’s brain–pink and full of hearts and teddy bears. You know what I do for Valentine’s? I pick up some Valentine themed stuffed animals when the stores mark them down on February 15th and let my dogs tear them to ribbons.
July 12th, 2009 at 4:04 pm
What…? Umm….no really…what? Killdozer is a real supervillain…this is peanuts…nothing special, heard of MANY more that are more “supervillain” than this by a long shot. This is just garbage sorry…
July 6th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Name: Emily
Alias: Artichoke
Powers: To force feed enemys overcooked veggies.
Reason for fighting evil: Because everyone else is doing it, that makes it COOL. Right? am I right guys? hahahahaha.
July 2nd, 2009 at 8:53 am
Name: Paul
Alias: Cannikin
Powers: Being 6′6″. Kicking people in the FACE!
Reason for fighting evil: Picking up chicks. Why else?
June 30th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Name: Rob
Alias: Redjoker
Powers: Can rationalize anything I do. And lots and lots of explosions.
Reason for fighting evil: It’s only called being a sociopath when you’re the bad guy, right? Also the Guild of Calamitous Intent has a poor 401K option.
June 25th, 2009 at 2:18 am
Name: Casey Kendall
Alias: Metal Head
Powers: Able to control any metal substance absolutely simply by touching it; also, I may or may not have the ability to summon the band Iron Maiden at will to blast the enemy’s ears off with pure awesome.
Reason for fighting evil: Fighting is fucking fun, and seeing as there are more bad guys in the world than good guys, I’ll be having a ton of fun, and by “”fun” I mean I’ll be kicking more ass than Rameses the Great tapped in his life.
June 21st, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Name: Alan Harris
Superhero Name: Clown Shoes
Powers: Lazy, batshit crazy, Canadian
Reasons for fighting evil: I just really, really, really want to chokeslam some mother fucker. (Also, I’m batshit crazy)
June 12th, 2009 at 2:57 am
Name: My identity is hidden like every good superhero
Superhero Name: The Bullet
Powers: Tracking down spammers, spotting every single spelling and grammar mistake in Cracked articles, coming up with cool-sounding superhero names on the spot.
Reason for fighting evil: To save/protect mankind! (And because I’m bored)
June 10th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
I have the view that depression is a disease which comes from total identification with one’s thoughts and emotions and have found teachings like that of Eckhart Tolle to help me recover. What do you think?
May 25th, 2009 at 12:06 pm
Name: Anon
Superhero Name: Anonymous
Powers: /b/
Reasons for Fighting Evil: lulz
May 21st, 2009 at 1:29 am
Name:A Chicks Name
Superhero Name:Bangica
Powers:Bangs all us lonely guys coming up with superheroes
Reason For Fighting Evil/Banging Us:Because we arent getting laid otherwise
May 20th, 2009 at 3:53 am
Name: Gordon Weston
Superhero name: Naming man
Powers: Can give better names to asian resturants
Reasons: Asian resturants need better names
May 19th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Name:Tyler Yoast
SuperHero Name:Fucktastic Four (divided by four)
Powers:Can grow five inches taller on command
Reasons: For the Greater good (and the pussy)
May 13th, 2009 at 6:30 am
Name: Annonymous
Superhero Name: IT-Man
Powers: Fixes super hero’s computer
Reason For Fighting Evil: I’m in it for the money.
May 2nd, 2009 at 11:04 am
Name: Joesph Meaden
Superhero Name: The Grunge
Powers: plays drums, Intellegent, access to mud and snow.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Why Not?
April 28th, 2009 at 6:14 am
Name: (Withheld to preserve secret identity)
Superhero Name: Mundane Man a.k.a The Hero’s Hero
Powers: Defeating the IRS and demolition drinking
Reason For Fighting Evil: Do you really think Superman does his own taxes?
April 26th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Is it just me, or does the guy in the ‘A photo for your records’ pic look suspiciously like Lar Desouza?
April 17th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
anybody watch WCW in the late 90s? remember when they signed The Warrior, and he for some reason now had supernatural otherworldly powers? (appearing in mirrors when he wasn’t there, like a reverse vampire? disappearing in a cloud of smoke?)? I want those
April 14th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Name: Elizabeth
Superhero Name: The Liz-bian
Powers: Can turn straight girls gay for each other in a matter of milliseconds.
Reasons for fighting evil: No other talents. Hell, do I NEED any other talents?
April 13th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Name: Emily
Superhero Name: The ION
Powers: Chemistry and Ninja
Reasons for fighting evil: Homework is boring.
April 9th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Name: Mr. Quinn Ascah
Superhero Name: Mediocre Man
Powers: Can see through windows; guess most answers on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Reasons for fighting evil: Chicks, man!!
April 9th, 2009 at 10:39 am
Name: Mediocre Man
April 8th, 2009 at 3:56 pm
Ha, I don’t agree with it all but nice none-the-less
April 7th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Name: Mr. Mike Dias
Superhero Name: The Solutionator
Powers: To figure out even the simplest problems
Reasons for fighting evil: I dont plan of fighting evil, i will destroy all the good in the world so there is only evil, BUT when theres no good left, theres no good to compare the bad to. so there will be no good or evil.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Name: Dr. Joe Jimson
Superhero Name: Professor Pantomime
Powers: The ability to create anything by acting as if i have it.
Reasons for fighting evil: Someone has to stop this man, and I’m temping untill that person comes.
March 27th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
Name: Amy
Superhero Name: Super Mooch
Powers: The power to convince people to give me all their stuff.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: To take the money that bank robbers steal for myself and buy cookies and Dr. Pepper.
March 26th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Name: Karli
Superhero Name: The Grammar Hammer
Powers: The ability to annoy the evil doers with my grammar skills.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Because it bothers the shit out of me when people screw up grammar, that’s why.
March 26th, 2009 at 8:33 am
Name: Alex
Superhero Name: The Chemist
Powers: Ability to mix things together with above average chemistry knowledge, ability to call older brother to double check his work, can actually fight, also has a lot of radom weapons at home.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: It all started in a lab where an experiment went wrong or something.
March 21st, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Name: Erin.
Superhero Name: Eccentric Penguin.
Powers: Heart murmur, extreme awkwardness, and social anxiety. Also, I’m really short, so I could probably be some kind of weird sidekick.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Once we successfully eradicate evil, I shall teach people the difference between there/their/they’re, to/too, and your/you’re so I no longer flinch while on the internet! Also, I totally just wanna own someone hardcore. Like in that movie Kill Theory? Where the fat guy gets owned? Yeah, like that, but better.
March 16th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Name: Zach Paisley
Superhero Name: The Cineplex
Powers: ability to tear tickets in half, as well as phone books.
Reason for Fighting Evil: the opportunity to up-sell the villains to the large popcorn and soda for fifty cents more.
March 8th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Name: Username SpringheelJak
Superhero Name: Captain Cannabis
Powers: Ability to quote articles on the finer points of plants from the Cannabis family, can evade drug hounds when they give chase, can rap about marijuana and sing Kottonmouth King songs moderately well, weirs green underwear and hat—coupled with a Irish accent makes him appear like some kinda inebriated leprecon, is always holding—even when not, makes the best damn brownies EVAH, has the phone numbers and addresses of multiple higher-up politicians, has the ability to do whatever I want on 4/20, has a 5 ft. solid emerald bong that works equally well for blowing Mt. Kilimanjaro sized tokes as beating people with, is extremely focused all-day everyday, has connections.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Too much time on hands. Thought buying a solid emerald bong and beating people with it would be f***ing sweet. (It is)
March 3rd, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Name: Ashlee, Esq., the III
Superhero Name: Drunken Viking Chick
Powers: consuming vast amounts of hard liquor without vomitting too often, wearing a helmet with horns and wolf fur, drunkenly destroying things with a club or other viking-ish weapon. oh, and inappropriately naming newly discovered masses of land (i.e. Iceland.)
Reason for Fighting Evil: Fighting evil? oh…I was just in it for the minibar at HQ.
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm
This is what I think about the Royal bank of scotland. RBS boss Fred goodwin should be stripped of the pension he doesn’t deserve. If they pay him a profit related percentage he will get minus figures. Taking away his pension is the best option.
March 2nd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Name: Dustin DeWynde
Superhero Name: Sandstorm
Powers: Control sand, start pointless arguments with anyone, make you scream like a little girl.
Reason for fighting evil: It’s either that or sit out in the middle of the desert somewhere and wait for random passerby to screw with…
March 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am
Name: Freiberg
Superhero Name: Forehead
Powers: Super-forehead, THE FACE, ability to make abundant if overly-spiced tacos, glass-shattering opera singing.
Reason for fighting evil: Best “what I did while I was drunk” story ever. Without the whole “drunk” part.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Name: Johnathan T(the last couple of letters are reserved to protect my family from EVIL)opol.
Superhero Name: That Guy
Powers: Incredible knowledge of random trivia, good internet researching skills, fluent in 1337, and kicks ass in Fallout 3.
Reason for fighting evil: Nothing better to do.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:14 pm
NAME: William of Troy
SUPERHERO NAME: the Contemplator
POWERS: Can stay awake without nourishment for 36 hours, ability to argue with circular logic for said 36 hours, can make any conversation end uncomfortably with haphazardly thrown factbombs.
REASON FOR FIGHTING EVIL: I may not know at this moment, but when I meet evil, evil will know. It won’t make sense to evil, but evil will certainly rethink it’s priorities; most likely during a long hot bath.
February 26th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
Name: David Malone
Superhero Name: Thunder Bird Lovin’
Powers: Karate chops, able to drive cars into things.
Reason for Fighting Evil: The world needs more love, which the best way to spread it is by karate chopping bad guys and hilariously running over people.
February 25th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Name: Jools Rizzens
Superhero Name: Emosewa
Powers: Flawless application of eyeliner in a moving car, and ability to cry on cue.
Reason for Fighting Evil: “Emosewa” is “awesomE” backwards.
February 17th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Name: Nick Burns
Superhero Name: Thunder Dragon
Powers: Can Create Thunder!!! (…but only during the rain…)
Reason for Fighting Evil: Cheap Kitchen stuff.
February 10th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Name: Michael
Superhero Name: Anti-Claus
Powers: Similiar to the punisher or Batman, don’t have any powers, just a giftbag full of goodies
Superhero costume: Similiar to a mall santa, but with the colors switched, so a white suit with red trim
Gear: Revolver style Grenade launcher filled w/ stun grenades (I can’t actually kill people!), A ninja sword, and EMPs disguised as Christmas presents. Rocket powered armored sled.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Destroying companies who commercialize and take away the spirit of Christmas.
February 10th, 2009 at 3:09 pm
Name: Megan
Superhero Name: Nika-girl
Powers: Nerdosity powers, lover of all things~!
Reason for Fighting Evil: They hate. :[
I keel haters.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:24 am
Superhero Name: TypoGrl
Powers: Killing palindromes, spell checking, laughing at your typos.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Malcom Reynolds keeps me up late at night.
February 6th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Name: Keith
Superhero Name: A man, a plan, a canal, Panama!
Powers: The ablity to use palindromes to deverstating effect.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Avenge the death of my english teacher
Catchphase: Draw, O coward!
January 31st, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Name: Aaron
Superhero Name: Baby Boomer
Powers: Shoot live babies from my hands that explode on impact.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Mostly bitterness. With my powers I immediately figured I could be a supervillian (C’mon, think about it; Who says “Hey! I can shoot asploding babies from my hands! I’ll be a force of good!!”? Oh please.) but they didn’t want me. Said my power was “too icky”. Buncha jerkfaces. I’ll show them all!!!
January 30th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
I am glad that I could provide that Ski Bunny photograph of the very hot Dr. Wendy Chao for you. I have seen it in print all over the country as well as on the web (sadly without a proper credit - ie Alexander Scott). But your site is so funny that there is nothing to make a stink about! (I can’t believe it is now the most popular ski image on Google - ahead of over 14 million pictures - probably something to do with the popularity of your site.) So yes “A+++++!!!!”
January 28th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Name: Dr. Wendy Chao
Superhero Name: Ski Bunny
Powers: I don’t really have any superpowers, but I am the ski bunny pictured above (and the #1 ski bunny on Google Images)
Reason for Fighting Evil: With great power (being #1 ski bunny on Google) comes great responsibility.
Thanks for the post, I’m truly honored to be on Cracked.com.
photo credit: Alexander Scott - http://www.alexanderscott.com
January 28th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Name: Andy
Superhero Name: Androgynous
Powers: Being able to recite all the lines from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Shooting web-stockings from wrists.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Because halloween should be for PRETENDING to shoot someone in the face, not actually doing it.
January 28th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Name: Marti
Superhero Name: Affirmative Action
Powers: Ability to accuse others of racism and therefore make every situation uncomfortable, Can attracting the minority vote, Also looks good in a bikini
Reason for Fighting Evil: To prevent Evil from trying to shut the black man down! And I need new kitchen appliances….
January 28th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Name: Cat
Superhero Name: Catocalypse Now
Powers: finding really good parking spots, killer taco dip recipe, sarcasm
Reason for fighting evil: What else is there to do?
January 27th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Name: Radula
Superhero Name: Angryface
Powers: Constant never-ending rage, constant never-ending common cold, and constant never-ending jugular-punching.
Reason for Fighting Evil: RAAAAGE
January 27th, 2009 at 1:12 pm
Name: Brian
Superhero Name: Intoxicator
Powers: The uncanny ability to get drunk off of one beer and unsuccessfully hit on less than attractive women while getting the shit kicked out of me by the strongest guy in the bar because I told him his mother was good in bed (she was… I thought it was a compliment.) I can also piss my pants, manage to puke everywhere except for in the toilet, and fly (at least that’s what the nice guy in the ambulance told me after I hit that light pole.)
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil killed my father and raped my mother.
January 27th, 2009 at 12:31 am
Name: Brendan
Superhero name: ChaosBeing
Powers: Manipulates space around him to bend to his will. Can turn doors into spoons with his farts.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Because the super villains said I was too childish to join, so I want to get back at them!
January 26th, 2009 at 2:48 am
Name: Sean
Superhero name: The Phallic Avenger
Powers: Hypnosis, indestructible power armor shaped in a 1.5 scale model of Sigmund Freud, Phallic symbolism recognizer, cigar.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Nothing else to do with anachronistic psychoanalytic theory. That, and the union dues for “new new supervillians” are much too expensive.
January 26th, 2009 at 2:35 am
Name: Chad
Superhero name: Obnoxio
Powers: Spouting popular catchphrases ad nauseum, being loud in fancy restaurants, drawing attention to self, copious dick jokes.
Reasons for fighting evil: Need obnoxious outfit to match personality.
January 24th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Name: Sam
Superhero name: The Scribe
Powers: Can quickly write and send a strongly-worded letter to the Daily Mail detailing disgruntlement and possibly racist views.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Is a disgruntled old man.
January 24th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Name: David
Superhero name: Scurvy Derv (aka The Dervish)
Powers: Protecting sailors with vitamin C delivery devices (oranges)
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Increase sales at my orange farm
January 23rd, 2009 at 11:21 am
Name: James
Superhero name: Pizza Guy
Powers: deliver pizza
Reasons for Fighting Evil: people tip less than 15%
January 21st, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Name: Kel
Superhero name: Skorp (The Scorpion was already taken. Thanks, Marvel)
Powers: Amazing fighting skills, an uncanny mastery of chemistry, and poison points in my boots capable of delivering a paralyzing but non-lethal toxin when I kick people (like the sting on a scorpion’s tail! Get it?! Awesome, right? Right!?)
Reasons for Fighting Evil: I watched way too much Batman as a kid.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:42 am
Name: Brian
Superhero Name: Brine
Powers: I drown seafaring villains in salt-water.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Psychopath.
January 19th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
Name: Dave
Superhero name: Rick Astley (ricksta to my closest super friends)
Powers: I make tastey mac n’ cheese (i use cream cheese instead of butter), and i’m kinda good at rollerskates
Reason for fighting EVIL: to bone supermodels, or just models depending on the amount of crime I stop.
January 19th, 2009 at 2:33 am
Name:DAnny
Superhero Name: NOB GOBLIN !
Powers: The sight of nobs, Speed of goblins and works at a spa!!
Reason for Fighting Evil: To Finally Fight Green Goblin And Pimp Slap Victor Von Doom! Also I would like to add that id like to pimp slap buttermilk jones! also i will use my goblin whip! a red beast from hell “2003 galant!” Ya-Ha!
January 19th, 2009 at 2:21 am
Name: Beth
Superhero name: Excelsior
Powers: Run, jump, billy club to the face (deck yo ass)
Reason for fighting evil: For the blood of a thousand virgins
January 19th, 2009 at 1:55 am
Name: Alex
Superhero Name: Square Eyes
Powers: Mean movie/TV trivia skills… well, where do you expect the New New Superfriends’ funds to come from?
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because my mom said I get ice cream if I do.
January 18th, 2009 at 11:34 pm
Name: Chris Miller
Superhero name: PimpWhoPees
Powers: Pimping Fat and Ugly Hos (since the womb)
Reason: Fat women need love to craig
January 18th, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Name: Vincent
Superhero name: punxbear
Powers: bear powers, red mohawk powers, power chords, 8 month long naps
Reason: Anarchy i guess
January 18th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Name: Michael Jackson
Superhero name: Rape Man
Powers: Raping Children
Reason: Sexual Urges
January 18th, 2009 at 6:59 am
“Powers: Mild asthma” - ahahahaha!
Another great cracked post.
Name: Lemel
Superhero Name: Reverend MelonMan
Powers: Badly coding html/php, high metabolism and ability to eat fast.
Reason for fighting evil: So that I can be the “good” guy who gets tired of being good and turns evil.
January 17th, 2009 at 7:29 pm
Name: John P.
Superhero Name: JPEG
Powers: Resolution Reduction, Format Conversion, Reduces Motion To A Still.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To Counteract The Terrors Of His Archnemesis, GIF.
January 17th, 2009 at 6:03 am
Name: Monty B.
Superhero Name:Dr. McCommanderBillTomEdwinPlead5thPenguin-Man
Powers: Penguin Tossing, Habitual Masturbation, Specializes in Bear Killer Killing.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Excuse to Toss Penguins and kill Bear Killers.
TOP THAT CHILDREN.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:33 pm
Name: Christopher
Superheroname: John Punch
Powers: Able to bullshit and swindle with the best, talking an Eskimo into purchasing high quality ice cubes and making my mother believe I didn’t drink on my 21st birthday.
Reason: Best use for superpower, unless I run for office or enter advertising.
January 16th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
Name: Chris
Superhero Name: SPC Oblivion
Powers: ability to bring out the enemy’s deepest fears and use these fears against said enemy.
Reason: I’m ARMY. I do what i’m told.
January 16th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Name: Brian
Superhero Name: Onomatopoeia Man
Power: Use words that imitate the sounds they are describing to make shit go down; i.e. shout “BOOM!” at a henchman’s vehicle to make it blow up, then lay him out with a “POW!” after he bails.
Reason: I’m easily talked into shit like this by Michael Swaim.
January 16th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Name: Natalie
Superheroname: Joan d’Arch
Power: Spontaneous religious conversions that lead supervillians to drop to their knees and repent, only to be surprisingly speared in the head by a white lady upon a white horse; also, pleasing, deceptive appearance induces supervillians to think, I always thought my Bond Girl would come… What need have I for supervilliany now that…. ackkk. (sound of death)
Reasons: Unnamed supervillian ruined 5th birthday, and 7th birthday, and 10th (fool me three times and I dedicate my life to the demise of your kind); killed rented pony as well. Thrice.
January 16th, 2009 at 11:06 am
Name: Bryan
Superheroname: Buttermilk Jones
Power: Like Snoop, I can talk about how cool I am and punctuate it with shouts calling for people to speak my name–at which point a massive block party erupts about me.
Reasons: as practice to keep my pimp hand strong.
January 16th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Name: Ty
Superheroname: Karen Carpenter
Powers: To summon birds, call upon stars from the sky, and also to summon all the girls in town to follow you around.
Reasons: My other superhero team “The Carpenters” weren’t working out.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:05 pm
Name:Ryan
Superhero Name:Lazer
The powers of rock, roll and invincibility
\\m// (x x) \\m//
January 15th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Name: Deyan
Superheroname: As my father calls me a lot. Stupid ass
Powers: To disapoint my parents(father) with every decision i have ever made in my life. EVER!!!!
Reasons: Dad made me. That bastard.
January 15th, 2009 at 8:20 am
Name: Rob
Superhero Name: Bear Knuckles
Powers: trained in the ways of ninja bears
Reason for Fighting Evil: already killed all of the ninja bears
January 15th, 2009 at 7:51 am
In reference to: “that’s your evidence of supervillainy? A failed bombing attempt?”; well, pretty much. I’ve had bombs fail to go off, but more importantly, I’ve had bombs that DID go off. Doesn’t make me a supervillain though, even though one of them blew out the water supply to the hospital for a couple of days.
If you ask me, the Unabomber was more of a supervillain than this guy. He did all the same things but his plan actually worked, sometimes. Same with tim mcveigh, the IRA, ETA and the tylenol terrorist. This guy just sounds like a loser who didn’t bother testing his devices before using them.
January 15th, 2009 at 3:14 am
Name: Rogue
Superhero Name: Average Man! (the exclamation point gives it flair)
Powers: I’m superhumanly Average. I look vaguely familiar to everyone, but no one can place me. This gives me ability to infiltrate any enemy base and do anything anything there as anyone who sees me will just assume that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. Also, I can perform any task to the basic level of competancy. If there’s a bell curve involved, I’m always right in the middle of it.
Reason For Fighting Crime: To prove that Average is Awesome!
January 14th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
or even the New New Superfriends hideout…
January 14th, 2009 at 8:42 pm
Name: Classified (or see above)
Superhero Name: Autodialer
Powers: Able to recall any number ever dialed manually…ever. This serves for quick access to the police, the press, the New New Justice League hideout, the Dry Cleaners, Etc. Also has an uncanny ability to figure out any percentage of any number and name the billboard #1’s for hip-hop in the last 10 years.
Reason for fighting Evil: Depends on if he has to do any actual “fighting”, Im not too good at that…Or to erase Mankinds reliance on electronic devices for easy daily tasks.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Name: unstated (to protect my loved ones)
Superhero Name: Sundown Q McGinnis Man!
Powers: College drop out level of education, has a girlfriend with a car (she’s totally fine with driving us around), can laugh at jokes on Cracked.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Just finshed watched an X-Men marathon. Want comic book deal. And sex with Wonder Woman.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Name: Patrick
Superhero Name: The Notorious S.U.P.E.R
Powers: Drinking mass quantities of malt liquor, the ability to create beef, control over many forms of ho (including hoochies, hoochie mamas, bitches, sluts, skanks, baby mamas, chicken heads, and librarians)writing dope rhymes, skipping out on child support and being stereotypical.
Reason for Fighting: Keeping it Real.
January 14th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Name: bruce
Superhero Name: cyanide man
Powers: can clap with his eyes closed.
Reason for Fighting Evil: it’s a cool way to die man.
January 14th, 2009 at 7:12 am
That may have been an interesting posting if the structure of the story wasnt so annoying. if it is truely a horrific story then dont try glittering it up with your weak storytelling abilities. tell it like it is.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:32 am
Superhero name: The A-Nihl-ator
Super Powers: The embodiment of Friedrich Neitzche and his philosophy. I can force villains to not exist simply by not believing in them.
Reason for fighting Evil: I do not believe in evil. Or good for that matter.
January 14th, 2009 at 4:08 am
I want that canoe
January 14th, 2009 at 4:06 am
Name: Adam
Superhero Name: The Amazing ADD Boy
Power: Able to make eyes glazed and completely ignore what everyone says for incredibly long periods of time (making him immune to mind control). Is also able to create massive energy waves by spazzing out. Can imitate a seizure in order to serve as a distraction.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To rid the free world of Ritalin and Concerta, his two only weaknesses
January 14th, 2009 at 2:56 am
Nice posting……
January 14th, 2009 at 1:30 am
Name: Charlie
Superhero Name: The One-Upper
Power: The amazing ability to do whatever you can do but that much better and incesently tell you about it.
January 14th, 2009 at 1:26 am
Name: Matt
Superhero Name: The Protagonist
Powers: Deep rooted issues, angst, character development. Super anime hair action! Can cause his enemies to go on long-winded rants explaining their ultimate plan. Oddly possesses the power to shoot swords from his eyes. Also angst.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Craves the approval of others.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Name: Diana.
Superhero name: Dianamite.
Powers: if you want, I can blow it up for you. Super strength. I make a good cookie.
Reason for Fighting Evil: self-righteous.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:44 am
And dude, I need a theme song like Captain Bigot.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I heart Llaminator!
January 14th, 2009 at 12:30 am
Name: Alyssa G.
Superhero Name: MC Suckit
Powers: Amazing rap skills for a white girl from the valley, as well as the ability to spend ungodly amounts of money on champagne that I will just end up pouring on peoples’ heads.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because the word ask is impossible to pronounce and must be changed to “acks”. Plus, country music sucks.
January 14th, 2009 at 12:29 am
Name: Jimmy
Superhero Name: El Capitan
Powers: Ability to find great books from obscure bargain bins, bondage skills (applies only to the ladies), ancient Japanese origami martial arts, “umbrella fencing” proficiency
Reason for Fighting Evil: Might meet some hot villain chicks along the way
January 13th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
Name: Dan Kok
Superhero Name: The Hipster Doofus
Powers: Novelty Acoustic Folk Music
Reason for Fighting Evil: They keep calling me a hipster doofus
January 13th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Name: Hank Venture
Superhero Name: The Bat.
Powers: Awesome costume.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I am The Bat.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
Name: Johnny Stallone
Superhero Name: The Cocksucker
Powers: Able to suck anyone off in under a second.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To rid the world from another generation of evil doers by disposing of all their baby-batter.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Name: Johnny Stallone
Superhero Name: The Cocksucker
Powers: Able to suck off anyone in under a second.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To rid the world from another generation of evil doers by disposing of all their baby-batter.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Name: Edward
Superhero Name: The Incredible Doctor Pervon
Powers: Able to see through leather and denim, ghost goosing
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because I don’t want to come across as loose.
January 13th, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Name: Johnny Stallone
Superhero Name: The Cocksucker
Powers: Can suck you off in under a second!
Reason for Fighting Evil: To rid evil from a following generation of tyranny by removing all its baby-batter.
January 13th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Name: Greg
Superhero Name: the Fly
Powers: Ability to blow shit up and make flames, but in a responsible, professional manner for the “Good of Mankind (and Womankind for those of you who require gender equality)
Reason for Fighting Evil: I need a reason? Well, ok, I’ll borrow the government’s; Evil is rumored to have WMD’s!
January 13th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
Name: Ian
Superhero Name: Mr. Superior
Powers: The ability to continuously say “I’m better than you”, destroying my opponents’ self confidence and eventually causing them to hang themselves
Reason for Fighting Evil: The pile of hanged corpses is beginning to bother my neighbors, and I figure a few evildoers on pile will shut them up
January 13th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Name: Ellen
Superhero Name: The Absurdly Ambiguous
Powers: Ability to puzzle villains encountered with my multiethnicity and slim, peculiarly ungendered form (while wearing broad jackets and button-down shirts.) Also, I can bore them to death with information about haplogroups and epigenetics, spiders and fruit flies.
Reason for fighting evil: This just might be an area where I have skills for employment.
January 13th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Name: Sheila
Superhero Name: The Dark Geisha
Powers: Kawaii Paralyze, Hello Kitty Throw, Torture By Emo Music, Fan of Death
Reason for Fighting Evil: Bored and currently unemployed
January 13th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Christ, the Holiday Killer lives! Where’s the Bat-Signal when you need it?
January 13th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Name: Lucas
Superhero Name: Captain Pajamashark
Powers: Has thumbs (thus enabling the use of firearms), can summon fish (but not the pussy ones like Aquaman. These are pajama wearing sharks with lasers on their heads!), is all around awesome
Motivation: Just kinda bored…
January 13th, 2009 at 7:43 pm
name: the Gentleman
Superhero name: The Gentleman
Powers: pocket watch bandola, business card shurikens, cane with steelhead. also guns.
Reason for fighting evil: being the Gentleman
January 13th, 2009 at 6:55 pm
I just remembered, there was another supervillain.
He was in Queensland, Australia until he was found out and now is on the run. He used to pretend to be a doctor, and kill patients painfully. But he did it so it wasn’t when he was in the room (medical instruments left in body, etc.)
He got the nickname, Doctor Death
January 13th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
Name: Wes
Superhero Name: Llamanator
Powers: The power to talk to llamas, control them, and unlock their true powers of flight. Also i can spit lasers… btw
Reason for Fighting Evil: My family and friends were murdered by the vicious super villain Evilama, who breeds llamas for his own evil plots.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:15 pm
Name: Chris Martin
Superhero Name: BlackJack
Powers: Gambling addiction, owing people money
Reason for Fighting Evil: They’re going to break my legs.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
Name: Krulltak
Superhero Name: Green Beast
Powers: Flight, highly aggressive, carries sharp things.
Reason for Fighting Evil: needs an alibi to avoid doing more important charity.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Name: John Watson
Superhero Name: Captain Varius
Powers: Superhearing, can talk to birds, slightly taller than average, I can hold my bladder for a really long time.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To earn the respect of my father.
January 13th, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Name: I have many aliases the closest I have is “Project Z-10″ to the (not so)good doctors at the D.O.O.M Zeta lab
Superhero Name: The Banshee
Powers:10 years of martial arts training, lots and lots of pent up rage and agression from years of listening to angry music, Extreme Goth-ness, pale complexion, and Angsty poetry (all of those are real).
Reasons for fighting evil: To get out my rage and to give me an excuse to brood and look cool. Also so I can be like The Crow.
MY costume is lots of fish net, a huge tattered trenchcoat, I use any weapon available but I keep spare knives on me, I have crazy hair and big goggles and I wear all black. I also like skullking around the shadows.
January 13th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Was the Time Crystals comment a reference to TimeSplitters: Future Perfect? Cause if it was, you’re my hero. Also, eat my laser. EAT IT!!
January 13th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
Name: Mike
Superhero Name: Baron of Badassery
Powers: Martial arts skills bordering on superhuman, kick-ass monocle.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To stop my evil twin, the Duke of Destruction.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Name: Shaq
Superhero Name: Kazaam
Powers: Granting wishes, fighting gangs of local toughs to protect Max from the dangers of “The Hood”
Reason for Fighting Evil: To stay out of that damned boom box
January 13th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Name: Zach W
Superhero Name: The Noobisher
Powers: Hack Myspaces of Villians and make them Gay Pride. Also Capable to steal Noob’s money for Beer.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Sex Appeal
January 13th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Name: Kevin B
Superhero Name: The Towelette
Powers: The ability to make things moist
Reason for Fighting Evil: Chicks demand it
January 13th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Failing to blow up some rich pricks in Aspen hardly makes you a supervillain. In fact, it makes you a bit of a loser. Pointless article, pointelss human, pointless waste of four perfectly good bombs.
January 13th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Name: KB
Superhero Name: Captain Avenger
Powers: Self-deprecation, immense knowledge of trivial useless facts and ability to consume vast quantities of food.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Legion of Doom rejected my application, so it is on now!!
January 13th, 2009 at 11:19 am
[...] 4 - Hey, a real-life supervillain - Cracked [...]
January 13th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Oh man… KingMonkey, that was a great website. Good for a few laughs. Inspiring too. All that website needs though are a few, well placed animated GIFs.
http://worldsuperheroregistry.com/world_superhero_registry_gallery.htm
January 13th, 2009 at 8:45 am
to clownbaby: yeah he did make a timesplitters reference, which was cool, and you should call your special move the “Hoover Maneuver”
January 13th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Name: B.M. Spreader
Superhero name: The Wet Blanket
Powers: Superhuman ability to spoil the party, ruin conversations, and is a real drag at social functions.Also the uncanny ability to jump onto the bandwagon at such a time that it is no longer relevant or no one cares.
Reason for fighting evil: For the make-up sex.
January 13th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Name: Matt
Superhero Name: The Goodyear
Powers: Outstanding wet and dry traction, exceptional handling at high speeds, sturdy and durable in rough conditions, excellent all round performer.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Experienced crime fighter looking to move on to bigger and better things. I’d be an excellent addition to the New New Superfriends as someone who can support a team and really get things moving.
January 13th, 2009 at 7:31 am
Name: Jack Smackerson
Superhero Name: Super Stud
Powers: Vanishing into a drunken stuper, and looking sexy in spandex.
Reason for fighting evil: To pick up women in the grocery store.
January 13th, 2009 at 7:25 am
That was totally awesome!!!!…and who wouldn’t want to be a superhero???
January 13th, 2009 at 6:59 am
Name: Wynne
Superhero Name: Wily Watermelon Woman (I like alliteration.)
Powers: Stopping a man with a single piercing glare and turn him from thoughts of taking over the world to thoughts of doing the dishes to prevent a swift and certain death. Mesmerizing enemies with naturally oversized bosom and then suffocating them with it. Getting villains to cry by unraveling their deepest, darkest memories and fears right before them, like any good psychologist, and then hugging them to said bosom until they fall asleep. Suffocation or tears and cuddles depends on how repulsive said villain is, so don’t expect me to be cuddling up to anyone not drastically misunderstood.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because the world is going to crap and it’s about time nice people started kicking ass back.
January 13th, 2009 at 6:36 am
Name: Roshi
Superhero Name: Ramen King
Powers: the Mystic Nature of being colorblind, sort of knows kung fu, has a large thermos to carry around hot noodles to fling into the faces of evil doers.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Fame breeds respect, and respect breeds free food at restaurants and drinks at bars.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:53 am
Name: Judith Rosenberg-Reubenstein
Superhero Name: The Jewish Mother
Powers: Able to leave over 100 messages an hour on son’s answering machine, who, by the way, never seems to have a spare five minutes to return a call to the woman who only gave him life and raised him; Matchmaking ability that allows me to find nice Jewish girls perfect for “Mr. Too-Busy-To-Call-His-Mother” and to set up blind dates for him in under 30 seconds; Rapid fire utterences of Yiddish terms can be used to intmidate the shiksas that come sniffing around “Mr. Ungrateful-That-His-Mother-Finds-Him-Lovely-Girls-To-Marry-Who-Will-Carry-On-Our-Traditions”; Ability to know exactly what my precious son needs and how he should live his life, even though he never listens to me (Oy!); Can lash out a guilt trip based on events that happened over 20 years ago and that everyone thought had been settled years ago; Ability to manipulate villians into doing what I want by insisting that I do it myself even though I worked all day, and cooked dinner, and cleaned the house, and whose feet are killing her, but that’s okay because I seem to be the only who notices it needs to be done so I will just do it myself.
Reason for Fighting Evil: What, I should need a reason? Evil should be so lucky that I fight it!
January 13th, 2009 at 2:47 am
Name: JR-23
Superhero Name: JR-23
Power: The Cyberotics Research Team Advanced Assault and Recon Humanoid Model (serial number JR-23) is equipped with a vast array of combat and espionage hardware. It features the latest in weapons designs; this includes two shoulder-mounted retractable pulse cannons, hidden compartments located in the “upper legs” for the purpose of storing many frag and/or flash-bang grenades and other incendiary devices, micro-flamethrowers located in each fingertip of right hand and micro-nuke launchers in each fingertip of left hand. The JR-23 model is also programmed with advanced proficiency in all sidearms and most urban assault rifles and SMGs. Advanced intelligence programming makes this effective killing machine also apt in human communication. It is programmed to understand and “speak” several languages (including Mandarin Chinese, Japanese, German, Russian, Spanish, English, Swahili and British slang), along with a basic understanding of each languages inherent cultures. First and foremost, however, the JR-23 is a killing machine thankfully programmed with a sense of morality. The “bugs” of previous models have been fixed with this newer, sleeker model, but unfortunately their places have been taken with a different bug we here at Cyberotics have labeled “The Vigilante Bug”.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Basic programming commands it.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:38 am
Name: Omar Ismail.
Superhero Name: Sheikh Spear.
Powers: Descended from the Hashishim, the original assassins.
Reason for fighting evil: I came up with a Sheikh Spear thing a while ago, and I’d just be feeding the stereotype if I went and turned it into a bad guy.
January 13th, 2009 at 2:38 am
Name: Jesus
SuperHero Name: Jesus “the Jesus” Christ aka. Slider
Powers: Cure blindness, resurrect dead, and walk on water. Can also super shrink and degauss computer screens forty feet away (but no closer or farther away)
Reason for fighting evil: Father issues
I can’t really super shrink
January 13th, 2009 at 2:22 am
Name: Rod Rockwell
Superhero Name: Jack Jaw Rod
Powers: Ability to punch you in the face, mother fucker!!! Can also put things in the microwave that don’t belong until bad stuff happens.
Reason for Fighting Evil: If I wanted you to know, I would have beat it in to ya, a__ ___e!!!
January 13th, 2009 at 2:07 am
Name: Aulden
Superhero Name: The Man
Power: a wicked roundhouse kick and general asskickery
Reason for Fighting Evil: i need someone to use these bitchin kicks on now dont I?
January 13th, 2009 at 1:54 am
You, Sir, are a classic dude and all-round splendid fellow. May the whiskey fall softly on your fields, the road rise up to meet you only obliquely in the face, and your sheep be fertile as well as ignorant as to how to file a police report.
Cheers for brightening the day of a brave soul (I must keep calling myself this) alone in stinking, alienating for’n parts. Here I am:
Name: Etienne Fourie
Superhero Name: Frater Nihilius
Powers: Projectile leprosy. Aerodynamically correct air-guitar. Opening beers with a lighter. Childishly legible handwriting. Offensive bags under eyes. Elemental affinity for filth-encrusted drains.
Reason for fighting evil: Tired of punching self in head (it feels SO good when you stop).
January 13th, 2009 at 1:46 am
Name: Nick
Superhero Name: Captain Inconvenience
Powers: Ability to make phones drop calls, traffic lights turn red, shoe laces become untied, break iPods with telepathy, and convert people’s operating systems to Vista.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Murdered parents, quest for self realization, the usual.
January 13th, 2009 at 1:36 am
Name: Darren Meade
Superhero Name: The Grand Delusionist
Powers: The ability to think I am so superior to everyone around me they lose confidence in themselves and commit suicide
Reason for Fighting Evil: Real life is too hard
January 13th, 2009 at 12:42 am
Name: Aaron F.
Superhero Name: The Sword of Justice
Powers: The ability to predict the outcome of any evil scheme in order to stop it, a thorough knowledge of the criminal law system (so those bastards actually stay in jail instead of being released the old ‘insanity’ routine), and the mastery of piercing and bladed weaponry
Reason for Fighting Evil: Law school has warped my views on justice (also, the adrenaline rush after beating the living hell out of a mugger is better than heroin)
January 13th, 2009 at 12:23 am
Name: Luke Coleman
Superhero Name: Turquoise Titan
Powers: i can shoot depleted uranium shells out of my fingertips and blend in with turquoise crap.
Reason for Fighting Evil: So i can infiltrate the New New Superfriends from the inside and shoot depleted uranium shells at you while your back is turned while i blend in with the turquoise tapestries that are hung all over the NNS hall of Integrity and Turquoise (NNSHIT)
January 13th, 2009 at 12:10 am
This wasn’t a bad article, until you brought up the Santa Claus guy. In my darkest, drunkest moments I just can’t do anything, but cringe at that story. But that’s just me, and to your credit, you made a Time Splitters reference.
Name: hoover
Superhero Name: The Green Hoover
Powers: the power of hooving which means dramatically raising or lowering the tension of any situation, thus diffusing most dangerous environments or causing chaos when it’s necessary.
Reason for Fighting Evil: “It’s a hard world for little things.” Night of the Hunter
January 12th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Name: Usher
Superhero name: usher
Abililtys: About to sample the fuck out of our music, to the point where it basically him just resinging it, and claiming hes “original”
Weakness: Powers shared by all rappers, Inability to accept in two years no-one will remember his name and a new “greatest ever” rapper will be onstage.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
Name: Dan Wilson
Superhero Name: The Villain
Powers: The ability to make unmoral decisions quite moral in his mind, as well as rocking at singing “Stuck In The Middle With You” at Karaoke Bars.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Want to keep my monopoly on being an evil villain… So I guess it’s more of a just because I can.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:40 pm
Name: Zach
Superhero Name: ghostcube
Powers: Can remember the words to song not heard in years, really bendy fingers, completely immune to feelings of shame.
Reason for Fighting Evil: health care benefits, fulfillment of childhood dream of unionizing the justice league
January 12th, 2009 at 11:36 pm
Name: Timothy Bussard
Superhero Name: Rob the Rocker
Powers: Dual Stratocast guitars, dual microphones (with cords) and THE RAGE OF THE ROCK GODS.
Reason for fighting evil: There’s discord, and then there’s harmony. But I’m here to ROCK.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Name : Unknown
Superhero Name : Jupiter
Powers : Instant localized control of Gravity. Ability to fly. Can eat 723 pints of Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream in one sitting without developing Frozen Throat, or Ice Cream headache.
Reason for fighting evil : Hey, man, this Ice Cream doesn’t pay for itself you know.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Name: Jon
Superhero Name: Ass Assassin
Powers: Alliteration, Stabbing
Reason For Fighting Evil: I want a humorous list of my achievements made in my honor on cracked.com.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
Name: Matt
Superhero Name: Godhand Mk. II
Powers: Taekwon-do, versatility with bladed weapons, seemingly enhanced smell and auditive senses, enhanced regeneration, sort of a 6th sense (I shit you not, I swear I’ve been able to block punches and kicks without fucking watching where’re they coming from, random, really random power though).
Reason for Fighting Evil: I need new kitchen items aaaand the whole protecting stuff of course.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Name: Spuntinsky
Superhero name: NotALoser
Powers: Time travel (jump to several hours ahead of my life). Must have access to cracked.com
Reason for fighting evil: frequently mocked as a kid
January 12th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Name: Alex Fox
Superhero Name: Barracuda
Powers: I will bite your flesh off. Like, straight up. I will peel it off of your body with my teeth. Sound extreme? Well, it is. Don’t mess.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Are you fucking serious? The reason is right there. I wanna fight some motherfucking evil.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:54 pm
Name: Urbano Santos
Superhero Name: The Query
Power: Questions people like Socrates, eventually leading them to realizing how pathetic they are.
Reasons for Application: I was once therapist who was forced to help 18 year old drama queens with their trivial problems. All I ever really did was answer their questions. Now, I want revenge…
January 12th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Name: None
Superhero Name: Sicario
Powers: Kick Boxing, Tae Kwon Do
Reason for Fighting Evil: The world is corrupted, rotten to the core, some has to go and kick some ass.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Name: Clancy Pozowski
Super Hero Name: FigureOnAStick
Powers: Has an army of trillion upon trillions of loyal nanobots, has a super computer attached to his brain, Macguyver like inventive intuition
can change any sort of matter at will (a la “Quantum Connection) warp Armour
reason for fighting evil: cable’s out
January 12th, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Name: William Tiberius Goat, Esquire
Superhero Name: Nerdy Satyr
Powers: Good at math. Able to solve a Rubik’s Cube in 4 minutes. Also, half goat. Chicks dig the hooves. Willing to eat anything. A bit gassy.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I want my own sitcom.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:41 pm
Real Name: Richard
Superhero Name: The Insaniac
Powers: The power of insanity and the power to imbue others with the power of insanity.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Honestly, I would probably join the side of evil. But only to make them think that I was on their side and sow the seeds of discord and insanity forcing them to fight amongst themselves and question their allegiance to evil. That would give me a chance to join the side of good. But only to make them think that I was on their side and sow the seeds of discord and insanity forcing them to fight amongst themselves and question their allegiance to good.
Then that would give ma a chance to take over the world while every super hero and villain fight in a free for all cage match on the moon. They will all die of course because of the lack of oxygen and the constant moon-beast attacks.
But fear not, as ruler of the world I will turn the planet into an Eden/utopia hybrid free of both super villains and super heroes. There will be no super heroes because there will be no super villains to fight. And there will be no super villains because everyone will be living locked up in a rubber room and straitjacket because I drove them insane and made them think that they were actually living in an Eden/utopia hybrid world.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Name: Jim Jameson
Superhero Name: Silent J
Powers: Emits a high-pitched shriek audible only to dogs, but in such a concentrated blast that it can liquyify a human’s organs or render them unconsious, depending on my mood
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil is too much work
January 12th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Name: Brett Morris
Superhero Name: Depression Man
Powers: To sleep the entire day, wake up to piss and go back to bed.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Pull some superhero/villian pussy.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Name: Rohan fitzgerald
Super hero name: kid cutback
Powers: commander of the ocean and waves [without the gay scale undies] and an awesome cutty reverse
Reason for fighting evil: swells dropped and i’ll get a new bodyboard
January 12th, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Name: Fabien Sparkle
Superhero Name: The Revolution
Powers: The ability to predict not only when a Prince song will be played on the radio, but which one it will be.
Reason for Fighting Evil: access to awesome ice-fortress base
January 12th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
Name: Jordan Cain
Superhero Name: Pizza Deliverer Of DOOM!!
Powers: Deliver hot, delicious pizza in 30 sec., shoot steaming hot pizza pockets out of cardboard cannon.
Reasons For Fighting Evil: Hatred of clowns, politicians, and vegetarian pizzas.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Name : Brandon
Superhero Name : BullCock
Powers : Come on, I have a bull cock
Reason for fighting evil : I have a bull cock
January 12th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Name: X Taylor
Superhero Name: Terminator X, The Amazing Living Man
Powers: Is Alive, not dead yet, super-strength, …ninja…
Reasons for fighting Evil: Nothing better to do.
January 12th, 2009 at 8:36 pm
Name: Niall T.
Superhero Name: Superginge! (exclamation mark is mandatory)
Powers: Expert in spork-based martial arts, certified deadliest man with a spork, is ginger (hair blinds enemies). Also eats a lot of pizza, which is possibly irrelevant.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Shits and giggles.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Name: Tanya S.
Superhero Name: Metalhead
Powers: Blasting enemies with a wave of 80s metal via mind power, the ability to rock a sweet air guitar, the Super-Headbang, the ability to persuade groupies to sleep with me regardless of hygiene levels or location, and a complete lack of morals/regard for my own safety/giving a shit (I’ll even bite a bat’s head off)
Reason for Fighting Evil: hatred of the Man
January 12th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
Name: Robert James Van Schaick
Superhero Name: Harvester of Eyes
Powers: Can suck the romance out of anything, and convert it into energy for my teleportation powers, and my ability to create sarcasm.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To make them THINK that I’ve reformed, providing me with the perfect cover as I prepare to reshape the world in the image of Chaos.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Gee, Swaim, did you ever realize that so many of your readers were single mothers?
(You didnt father all of their children, did you?”
January 12th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I know the true identity of the Architect of Funk! I demand a winning spot on the craptions for the next–wait, he posted his real name? IN PUBLIC? Shit.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Name: Vodka Gobalsky AKA Zangief
Superhero Name: Red Cyclone
Powers: Spinning Pile Driver, hair-tufted chest and shins, ability to wrestle bears and the dignity to wrestle other people in a speedo.
Reason for fighting evil: To advance my wrestling techniques.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
Name: Jim “Jimmy” James
Superhero Name: The Redundant Man (who both redundant and a man)
Powers: The power to do things over again, including:
repeating myself
and
fighting evil
and
restating things
and
stopping all things terrible
and
being redundant
and
beating the bad guys
and…
Reason For Fighting Evil:
Supervillians like Lex Luthor, and Wiley Coyote, and the Kingpin, and Rhino, and Emperor Palpatine, and Venom and supervillians like them attempt to commit dastardly deeds over and over and over and over and over and over again, somebody needs to be there every time to stop them…
Name: Jim “Jimmy” James
Superhero Name: The Redundant Man (who both redundant and a man)
Powers: The power to do things over again, including:
repeating myself
and
fighting evil
and
restating things
and
stopping all things terrible
and
being redundant
and
beating the bad guys
and…
Reason For Fighting Evil:
Supervillians like Lex Luthor, and Wiley Coyote, and the Kingpin, and Rhino, and Emperor Palpatine, and Venom and supervillians like them attempt to commit dastardly deeds over and over and over and over and over and over again, somebody needs to be there every time to stop them…
Name: Jim “Jimmy” James
Superhero Name: The Redundant Man (who both redundant and a man)
Powers: The power to do things over again, including:
repeating myself
and
fighting evil
and
restating things
and
stopping all things terrible
and
being redundant
and
beating the bad guys
and…
Reason For Fighting Evil:
Supervillians like Lex Luthor, and Wiley Coyote, and the Kingpin, and Rhino, and Emperor Palpatine, and Venom and supervillians like them attempt to commit dastardly deeds over and over and over and over and over and over again, somebody needs to be there every time to stop them…
January 12th, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Superhero Name: The All Mighty Shepherd
Powers: The ability to group people in a matter of seconds, Super sexy dance moves
Reason for fighting: I saw that movie Mystery Men once, and thought i’d look hot in tight spandex, my foray into the WWE was not as successful and i had planned it to be.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Name: Harry
Superhero Name: Harry the TentMaker
Powers: The ability to distract the forces of evil by utilizing a certain mutant endowment.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Ahh, I wasn’t fighting evil. I was looking at a National Geographic. Why what evil?
January 12th, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Superhero name: The Amnesiac
Weakness: Horribly bad memory. Almost, but not quite as bad as that guy in Memento.
Superpower: The ability to selectively remove memories from anyone else (except Magneto, when he’s wearing that infernal helmet of his!), efectively giving them amnesia. When I feel merciful, I simply remove every memory of them being a bad guy, thus making them into good guys, at leat temporarely. When feeling less merciful I completely erase their memory and leave them alone somewhere, preferably ironic. (Like that time I stopped that bank robbery, but the robber tried to shoot me, so I erased his memory and left him inside the locked vault to be found the next morning, remembering nothing of how he got there or even who he was. Hah, good times! I’m sure I’ve done it to more crooks, but as mentioned, my memory is a bot sketchy at best…)
Reason for fighting evil: I don’t remember… I don’t enjoy fighting evil, though, I always find it more tempting to erase the minds of the other superheroes, get away with the money and spend my life with dozens of hot women who conveniently never remember that I cheat on them. So my reasoning is that I was probably a supervillain earlier, until professor Xavier or someone erased my mind, ironically using mye own powers against me. Now THAT must have been good times!
January 12th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
Name: Revi
Superhero Name: Never Finishes Anything Man
Powers: The abili
January 12th, 2009 at 4:30 pm
Name: Cornwall Horsefragrance
Superhero Name: Burrowed Frow
Powers: Can furrow my brow, but when asked what my most incredible power is, can only mutter, “Burrowed frow…”. Regardless of my anxiety-induced communication error, the furrowing of either brow often leads to sex which therefore stalls the villain from going through with his/her crime. Unfortunately, at some point the sex ends, and they move forward as planned. Equally unfortunate, I end up having sex with men, as well as with women with laser vaginas.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I think I’m realizing that I should stop this.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Name: Lord B. James LaGrange, Esq.
Superhero Name: Veronica
Powers: The ability to smell fear, use bifocals, and unhook a bra with my ears
Reason for Fighting Evil: To get chicks… (I can’t play guitar)
January 12th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
Name: hermit
Superhero name: The Hermit
Powers: undefeatable at Wii bowling.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Seeking challenging position utilizing advanced Wii bowling skills.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
this is buttcheeks. this guys just another disgruntled human with a deathwish for everyone else. yawn* boring.
when it comes to supervillainy you gotta do more than kill people or atempt to kill them to qualify in my book. if you wanna see true supervillainy in our time you need only look to one man. Michael Jackson.
see, this guy jim is just a human version of jokey smurf. he’s a joke and a cliche’. he wasnt spurned by society or half destroyed in an accident like most villians but michael jackson:
had his childhood stolen by fame.
he was touched improperly by barry gordy.
then he lost his hair in an accident onstage while filming a commercial.
he then spent the next decade living in secrecy until he reappeared as a white man with a dictator’s outfit and a guard of soldiers who followed him everywhere.
to make it even better he then bought a mansion and set up a “child-trap” which consisted of a circus/carnival that he invited kids to and then paid off their parents for the time spent.
the US justice system tried to take him down and although they ruined his reputation and wore out most of his finances they couldnt convict him. he escaped justice.
THAT is what I consider a supervillain. discuss.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:16 pm
Name: Peter
Superhero Name: Brewmaster P
Powers: The uncanny ability to turn malted barley, a handful of hops, 6 gallons of water and a vial of brewers yeast into beer… in about 4-6 weeks. 2 if we’re talking about a hefeweizen. 8 if I have to bottle the damn thing.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I am fighting evil because, wait… what? I thought I was making beer for a themed party.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Name: Zachary W
Superhero Name: Active
Powers: Quick wit, Keen Eye for trouble, Space Travel, and fear inducing Flatulence.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Attention and something to do on weekends.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Name: Marc
Superhero Name: Candlejack
Powers: The amazing abili
January 12th, 2009 at 2:39 pm
I say we find his body, dig it up, and then rebury it in horse shit.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Name : Leon
Superhero Name : Man’s Man
Powers : Ruggedly handsome. Persuasion. Ability to make women want him and men want to have a bromance with him. Above average strength and speed from lifting weights and running for 10 years.
Reason For Fighting Evil : To protect my women!
January 12th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Name: CapecodDan
Superhero Name: Quick Shot
Powers: Premature ejaculation, Masterbation and Uncanningly accurate loads to eyes and face from a distance of up to 8 ft.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Love for the money shot
January 12th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Name:Christopher D
Superhero Name:Mr. D
Powers: When I get hiccups I can cure them by acknowledging their existence out loud. Ex.”Hey, I have the hiccups!”
Reason for Fighting Evil:TV makes it look like a good idea.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Name: George W. Bush
Superhero Name: Dub-ya
Powers: Destroying all i come in contact with, including entire nations. Can dodge shoes with Keeanu Reeves like reflexes
Reason for Fighting Evil: Dad won’t talk to me unless i find Bin Laden
January 12th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
[...] Uncategorized We all love a good villain. Inspired by a recent cracked article, here are some of my [...]
January 12th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Name : Grayson
Superhero Name : Cyborg-Pirate-Ninja-Man
Powers : Excellent pillaging ability. Can move without being seen. at all. EVER. Robotic arm using for crushing, smashing etc. Can eat souls.
Reason For Fighting Evil : To bring about worldwide baconlightenment.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
http://worldsuperheroregistry.com
Swaim, luckily, there are real superheroes in the world. Just not very useful ones.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Name: Joshua Johnson
Superhero Name: Johnny No-Glasses
Powers: Excellent vision and depth perception, strong jawbone, superhuman strength enabling him to lift 95 lbs. under optimal conditions
Reason for Fighting Evil: He is a complicated man with complicated quixotic delusions.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
Superhero Name: Wolverine (pending resolution of alleged copyright infringment litigation)
Superpowers: Super Grammar, Unending Supply of Useless(?) Knowledge, Amazing Hair
Reason for Fighting Evil: I’ve got time.
Weaknesses: Bullets, pointy things, redheads
January 12th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
You’re just dumb as hell
January 12th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Superhero Name: Err. Awesomely…. awesome.. thing.
Powers: Powers? I don’t have powers. Ooooh POWERS, err sure… I can… fly. But I won’t show you, I have a fear of heights.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I wanna to be in your not-so-secret superhero gang
January 12th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Can’t you be called the “Funkitect” instead. Villains would fear, THE FUNKITECT!
January 12th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Superhero Name: BitBreaker
Super Powers: Extra Sensory Perception, 10 Second Time Freeze, and a zippo lighter.
I challenge Brahman Bull to a duel!!! I am Mexican!
January 12th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Name: Unknown
Superhero Name: Woodchuck
Powers: Tonfa and Nunchuku (wooden of course!)
Reasons for fighting evil: Because I always get busted when I do something wrong so others must also get busted or it’s just not fair!
January 12th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Name: Andy Shipman
Superhero Name: BatGeek
Powers: Extreme Intelligence, occasional witty comment.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil is bad.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:50 am
Name: Connie Dobbs
Superhero Name: The Maniacal Matron
Super Powers: Is full of Slack. Can give others Slack. Looks good in Slacks.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Wait… what? fighting EVIL? Why would I want to do that?
January 12th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Name: Daicha Birrueta
Super hero name: It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No ! It’s…. Daicha the Recovering Addict Super Mom !!!!
Super Powers: Able to leap pre-teen, ADHD , sugar high children in a single bound!!! Also, able to make husbands wish they were never born.
Reasons For Fighting Evil: It’s that or cook and clean. Which one would you chose?
January 12th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Name: Hayley
Superhero Name: Chick P
Powers: I have control over the fabled Infinibees. They are bees that are grotesquely deformed and inbred. Their stingers, however, once detached explode into little mushroom clouds. Summoning a swarm of them onto one person is more than enough to kill them. The only thing that gives away the oncoming approach of an infinibee pack is the sound of their stuttered buzz “bzz-zzz-zz-zzzzz-zz-zzz-zzz!”
And the only thing that protects you from infinibees in lvl 20 leg hair.
Reason for fighting evil: Because I found the application for this before I found an application to join the villains.
January 12th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Name: James W.
Superhero Name: Brahman Bull
Powers: Once I get going… I’m hard to stop. Super Strength (at least I think so) and a utility belt that would make batman blush.
Reason for fighting evil: I hate Mexicans and the Irish
January 12th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Name: Jaimie
Superhero Name: Captain Darkness
Powers: the ability to turn out the lights by closing my eyes really tight. (also, apparently gives others night vision)
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because using my powers for “peak-a-boo” seems like a waste
January 12th, 2009 at 11:10 am
Name: Bubbles McGee
Superhero name: Useful Aquaman
Powers: Giving the ability of flight to numerous sea predators so that they might lunge themselves wildly at villianous landlubbers.
Has rock hard thighs (see 2nd power).
Can make it rain swordfish.
Can make it hail piranhas.
Can make it snow dolph- you get the idea.
Owns whale-catapult.
Sprays immediate surroundings in black ink when surprised to make a hasty escape to sea.
Reason for fighting evil: Because sometimes it’s only worth killing a man by sticking a shark up his ass.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Name: Robert
Superhero name: Dart
Powers: I’m Awesome. Nuff said.
Reason or fighting evil: I got nothing better to do…
January 12th, 2009 at 10:49 am
Here’s your 2nd choice. While not wrapped as Christmas Gifts, it was a failed bomb attempt resulting in evacuating CHILDREN!
http://chronicle.augusta.com/stories/041699/met_MNS-8586.000.shtml
http://www.google.com/url?sa=U&start=5&q=http://charlestonswing.tripod.com/&ei=SUdiSbfQLdeitgfA6-zmBg&sig2=4XN1bufwZACGIbpThMmczg&usg=AFQjCNE7cqd5IbXbvcBb-gDbjpCnNjdsYg
January 12th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Name:Johnndisco
Superhero Name: The hero formally known as Prince
Powers: 6′5″ white prince impersonator and I am pretty good at CoD. I have level 18 mage in Warcraft too!
Reason: Because one time I stayed up way past 10:30 and saw Jumping Jack Flash on late night TV. I will use whatever power I have to make sure criminals like that can’t overcome my little suburbia.
January 12th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Name: Noam Giber
Superhero: The Yeast Infection
Powers: Able to grow to the size of a 60 story man, Create crust like forms on another person stopping them in their tracks, Able to create a burning sensation when you pee for 3-7 days.
Reason for fighting Evil: The idea grew on me
January 12th, 2009 at 10:32 am
Name: meat
Superhero: Hannah Montana
Powers: Satan
January 12th, 2009 at 10:27 am
name: Isaac
superhero name: Mecha-Godzilla
powers: the ability to transform into a enormous screaming dinosaur/lizard with enough strenght to stop the city crumbling from an evil dr. rocket science monster with capabilities to destroy the entire universe. alright.(Capital H)
reason for fighting evil: what the fuck else could I do with my powers?
January 12th, 2009 at 10:18 am
Name: Sabra Duffiney
Superhero Name: Super Sabra
Powers: Flight, Super Strength, Laser Eyes, Telepathy, Elemental Power
Reason for Fighting Evil: To make the wrongs right and show other Single Moms that we really are Super!
January 12th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Name: Poe Boy
Superhero Name: Motormouth
Powers: Able to speak factual sounding bullshit non-stop at the drop of a hat, can turn straight women gay, can raise each eyebrow independent of the other one
Reason For Fighting Evil: Not qualified to work the french fry machine at McDonald’s
January 12th, 2009 at 9:53 am
Name: Capra
Superhero Name: THE Collective Informer
Powers: Art collector, Art Dealer, Art Maker, Art PROVIDER TO THE PEOPLE! Liberates the people with art and warns them of impending doom. Keeping up with the ever changing styles of society and playing on their tastes to fully keep them aware of all supervillainry (sp?), Barack Obama style. POP ART means COP ART!
Reason for fighting evil: Bad guys usually die, I long to see flying cars, would prefer to live till that day of intergalactic space travel. Plus government perks.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Superhero Name: The Gigantic Midget
Powers: Roughly the size of a normal man!
Reason for fighting evil: pays well
January 12th, 2009 at 9:41 am
Name: Resi
Superhero Name: The Roller
Powers: Able to Absorb Water, Able to Look Good in a Skirt, Knows 90% of the Rules to D&D
Reason for Fighting Evil: I could use the discount at Crate and Barrel
January 12th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Name: Martin McTuckle
Superhero Name: The McTuckler. (They’ll never guess it’s me!)
Powers: I can convert normal, everyday air into CO2, a colorless, odorless gas that kills people. (Note: this power requires time, a sealed room, and preferably an oxygen tank. It may be a slow way to kill, but you give me 200 bad guys in a room, I’ll kill ‘em all fast, and even faster than just one bad guy in an equally sized room)
Reason for fighting evil: Hoping to cop a feel off an unconscious woman super-villain. Maybe even a little more. The sealed room locks from the inside, right?
January 12th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Name: Tristan
Superhero Name: Tae-kwon-doMan
Powers: Mastery of Any and/or All Martial Arts in existence and in fiction, The ability to crush an apple with one hand and rip a phone book with the other, Can cook.
Reason for Fighting Evil: After being unable to defeat Megaman; he was rejected by his master Dr.Wily, and roamed the Earth alone. He then stumbled upon a hidden mine cave with the Infamous and oh-so-rare TimeCrystals. Reacting with his power core, he was sent back through time to the 1900’s. In awe at the sight he saw, he wore a ragged cloak and watched the humans, till now. Where he is willing to take arms against the Holday-Legion of Doom.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Name: Andrew Shannon
Superhero Name: Food Eater Lad
Powers: The ability to break food down into it’s basic elements for nourishment.
Reasons to fight evil: It is the only thing close to excercising he does.
January 12th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Is there anyway you could put this in list form, I didn’t read it
January 12th, 2009 at 9:00 am
Name: Cecilia Smith
Superhero name: Sporegirl
Powers: Able to make here creatures on the computer game Spore ACTUALLY COME TO REAL LIFE and she uses them as her personal army
Reasons for fighting evil: Evil is evil. That is a good enough reason to fight it!
January 12th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Name: Colt Seavers
Superhero name: Insane Clown Posse Man
Powers: Ability to smoke a whole lot of MJ, writing hip hop lyrics like a 12 year-old, being a juggalo.
Reason for fighting evil: My stuntman business crashed, and a man’s gotta provide for his family
January 12th, 2009 at 8:23 am
Name: Shaggy
Superhero Name: Lord Epic
Powers: Creates random moments of Pure Awesome at the snap of his fingers
Reason for Fighting Evil: It’s better then fighting “The Dick”
January 12th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Name: Christian David
Superhero name: Priest
Power: Preach enemies to death, open hell gates, feed bunch of people with thin, bad-tasting “bread”, not get caught making sweet love to my sidekick, the Nun.
Reason for fighting: God told me… to take a break.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:38 am
Name: Chilly Morrison
SuperHero Name: Professor Tyme
Powers: Can travel forward through time at the rate of 1/1 seconds. Can predict what will be on television in the week to come, through the use of my mystical television guide. Ability to replace “lame” letters with hipper ones while keeping basically the same sound.
Reason for Fighting: You just asked me to.
January 12th, 2009 at 7:26 am
Name: Ima Snakin
SuperHero name: The Sloth
Powers: Ability to remain motionless for long periods of time, can operate electronic devices by remote control (eg TV’s)
Reason for fighting: Do I have to? Cant someone else to the fighting part?
January 12th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Name: Devon
Superhero Name: Mood Eyes
Powers: Has eyes that change color according to mood, like a mood ring. Has also developed a “mood suit” that changes color with his eyes. This, ironically, makes his superpower completely obsolete.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Name: Jara
Superhero name: Toledo Steele
Powers: Superior fencing skills, reasonably swift when running from foes who eschew swordsmanship for marksmanship; always good for a witty line…seriously, call me, I’m in town all week.
Reason for fighting evil: The Olympics only come every four years and consequently there is a good deal of downtime in the fencing game. I did once get a role as a cutlass-wielding pirate in Pirates of the Caribbean. I can only say that my time on set with Orlando Bloom gave me a lasting hatred for evil and for Orlando Bloom, which may or may not be the same thing.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Name: Dick
Superhero Name: The Dick
Powers: Inflatable dick, acidic ejaculation, mind control (has an effect only on dick muscles).
Reason for Fighting Evil: I want to touch their dicks after I kill them.
January 12th, 2009 at 6:26 am
Name: Zac
Superhero Name: The Foppish Dandy
Powers: Once ate a whole pizza, can yell at a slightly above average volume, ability to sit through an entire episode of Murphy Brown without changing the channel, encyclopedic knowledge of 1920’s slang (I’ll give those bad guys the 23 skiddoo)
Reasons for Fighting Evil: I need the health insurance so I can finally afford that operation on my crotch
January 12th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Name: Calvin Coolidge
Superhero Name: Mr. President
Powers: Participated in the Senate hearings for the Teapot Dome scandal
Reason for Fighting Evil: Succeeded the presidency after Warren G Harding’s death
January 12th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Name: Jon
Superhero Name: The Baker
Powers: The ability to bake bread and bread like objects that may then be used to fend of various forms of evil…really Im just a baker and I like to hit stuff with bread…
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because Baking is boring as f**k!…
January 12th, 2009 at 6:02 am
Name: Richard Colbert
Superhero Name: Geek Seer
Powers: Foresight, ESP, Gadgetry
Reasons for Fighting Evil: It’s more funner!
January 12th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Totally saw a bit about this guy on the news. That was, what, a week ago now? Was it before or after watching the shiny metal-and-light pelican nearly drop, then switch over to Animal Crossing, only to switch back and see the damn thing brighter, higher, moving(?), and wondering what just occured during those few seconds… then switching back when the cruddy KISS cover band started (and, as my mom was apt to point out, very fat (or beer-belly’d, whichever words she used (prolly “fat”).
Name: T.J. Fuller, Jr.
Superhero Name: varies, usu. a concept (”worst nightmare”, at most cliche); one of ‘many’ agents/marjicks/whatever the hell they’re calling themselves
Powers: general superhumanity at various levels (enhanced body -> e.b. + psychic powers -> ripoff Super Saiyan); an exclusive multi-purpose mechanical arm that culminates in a badass wing or badassery wing, depending on if the mechanical eye is in take-in-and-comprehend-every-kind-of-environ.-data mode
Reason for Fighting Evil: part of code (one of relative few who can), use of abilities, finding and fighting estranged modified, Pokemon-esque clone usu. to stalemate (and, eventually, ‘cancelling each other out’)
… or somethin’. Call me Capt’in Chocobo, why doncha?
January 12th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Name: Tom
Superhero Name: Tom
Powers: Lookin’ stylish while doing his stuff… which mostly features a Zoot suit, a Tommy gun and a flick-knife he calls Gerard.
Reason for Fighting Evil: You don’t get arrested quite as easily.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:56 am
Name: Ciege
Superhero Name: Lay Ciege
Powers: Googling Green Lantern
Reason for Fighting Evil: I want the secret decoder ring from New New Superfriends.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:46 am
Name: Confidential
Superhero Name: The Mindfucker
Powers:
Telepathy, Telekinesis, Ability to bestow Apeshit Insanity upon his foes, Ability to turn one’s brain into my bitch, Ability to fuck. your. minds.
Reason for Fighting Evil:
Is bored of fucking up the minds of hapless rodents and assorted dimwits.
Catchprase:
“Prepare to get fucked. No, not like that…. Seriously, put your pants back on.”
January 12th, 2009 at 5:42 am
Name: Smakka
Superhero Name: Inside-out Burrito Man
Powers: Ability to make Supervillans projectile vomit with my exposed colon movements, able to silence supervillans with the same well-aimed colon movements, and also in possession of super crime fighting sperm
Reason for fighting Evil: I’m bored with my lego, and the sperm are restless
January 12th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Name: Duke
Superhero Name: Uncle Slam
Powers: Can immediately tell whether something is or is not “America”. Fists are magnetically attracted to Nazi jawlines. Presence alone makes minorities and the United Nations feel uncomfortable. Communicates telepathically with Bald eagles, and drives a Hummer.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because, otherwise the terrorists have already won.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:16 am
Name - Dan Chasemore
Superheroname - RumplestiltzDEATH
Powers - Ability to swim. Can fall out of a plane at speeds of up to 100 mph. Chlamydia
Reason for fighting evil - Need health insurance.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Name: Sergeant Smith
Superhero Name: The Son of Walker
Powers: illegitimate son of Chuck Norris’ tryst with a female olympic triathlete. prone to lifting heavy things and roundhouse kicking people out of pure heavy metal-driven instinct. also went and learned how to shoot things.
Reason for Fighting Evil: needs an outlet for the roundhouse kicking reflex, might as well be evil doers. would have been a martial arts actor, but i am a worse actor than my father.
January 12th, 2009 at 5:14 am
Name: Shizboat
Superhero name: The Reichstein Cowboy
Powers: Master of Improbability, Can breathe fire (With right equipment), known to pay for lunch all the time
Reasons for Fighting Evil: I like the idea of choke slamming people, and I really need some new kitchen stuff so the 10% discount at Crate Barrel will really come in handy. Plus, outlandish costumes? Who isn’t in for that?
January 12th, 2009 at 5:09 am
I just whacked off to the Asian girl in the white fluffy clothing
January 12th, 2009 at 4:55 am
Name: Jordy
Superhero Name: Flippercanorioustasia!
Powers: cock blocking, ability to inspire blind rage in anyone, and the most useful,LUNTING! (which is walking a smoking a pipe.)
Reason for Fighting Evil: to wear super cool, super stupid costumes strictly reserved for super heroes. . .and so nerds will jack off to my comic strips. Every girl’s dream!
January 12th, 2009 at 4:41 am
Name:gigaknight
Superhero Name: Gigaknight
Powers: remembering obscure and useless data and ability to classify it. Origami.
Reason for Fighting Evil: There was the mention of chokeslamming someone, and to wield a crowbar.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Name: Ko Ko
Superhero Name: Jangar
Powers: Horny power. Can produce horny field strong enough to melt iron
Reason for Fighting Evil: To release
January 12th, 2009 at 4:35 am
Name: Juan
Superhero name: Bongquistador
Powers: Can blow huge smoke clouds to disorient/piss off/get villains high
Reason for fighting evil: Gotta do something productive while getting high
January 12th, 2009 at 4:28 am
Name (Do the words “secret identity” mean anything to you? No? Oh, okay): Visa
Superhero Name: Coigreach
Powers: Cold resistance (lives in frigid north). Combining emoness with berzerkitude. Being European (includes excessive use of umlauts). Having a superhero name that’s unpronouncable to most people.
Reason to Fighting Evil: To become desirable to women. Preferably hot superheroine women, though supervillainesses will do in their absence. Also, that bastard shot an 8 year old in the face.
January 12th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Name: George Becali
Superhero Name: The incredible sheppard…dude
Powers: Ability to lie until one believes his own lies, the ability to weild many legions of killer sheep to do his bidding, huge head(which does not imply a huge mind).
Reason for Fighting Evil: I don’t want to join…i’m just bragging.
Pac-pac, do you feel me??
January 12th, 2009 at 4:08 am
Name: thedamned
Superhero Name: Captain Coward
Powers: Shin Kickery, fast retreat, bloody nose
Reason for Fighting Evil: Too afraid of letting it prevail!
January 12th, 2009 at 4:01 am
Name: Ian Tewid
Superhero Name: Cowl
Powers: Irradiated by rays of Pure Awesome, can generate Awesome fields and shoot rays of Awesome.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because I’m Awesome.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:55 am
Name: Lee
Superhero Name: Hit’er-in-the-hair-Man
Powers: Rage against stupidity, super strength in the face of insubordination
Reason for Fighting Evil: Beating wife is illegal. Even if she’s busted cleaning out the bong with a newborn in the next room.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:42 am
Name: Connor Hoover
Superhero Name: Captain Brain
Powers: Super Intelligence and extensive knowledge about many subjects.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Legion of evil called me a nerd and wouldn’t let me join.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:37 am
yes, very funny indeed!
http://www.luxurywatchshop.info/
January 12th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Name: Sepirothpk
Superhero Name: Nex Phoenix
Powers: A hard fore-head
Reason for Fighting Evil: Needs something to do
January 12th, 2009 at 3:37 am
very funny, yeah, A+++++++++ is correct!
http://www.luxurywatchshop.info/
January 12th, 2009 at 3:32 am
Name: Daniel Baldric
Superhero Name: Dr. Shrinkage
Powers: Able to shrink objects via the use of pseudo-telemetry.
Reason for Fighting Evil: World domination/ destruction plots have become to large in scale.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:28 am
Name: Opieum
Superhero Name: Coffee Grinder
Powers: Magic indestructible Coffee Grinder that can grind ANYTHING. Including coffee. And bones n’ shit.
Reason For Fighting Evil: I like the grinding sounds bones make…sounds alot like coffee beans…but louder. I keep a magic juicer handy for body parts.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:26 am
Name: Luke James
Superhero Name: Verbosity
Powers: Ability to tell a long story with lots of tangents that still comes back around and wraps up at the end.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Pays worse than fighting for good.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:24 am
Name: Wes Antilles
Superheroname: Burn’em
Powers: Gun’s lots of guns… lots of specialty ammo too…
Reason for fighting evil: Parents are supervillians and im rebelling.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:23 am
Mines a villain
Name: Vladimir Putin
Super Villain Name: Emperor of all the Russias
Powers: Remote poisonings, Nuclear weapons, Gas….
Reason: ’cause he’s a bad ass mother
January 12th, 2009 at 3:19 am
Name: Joshua
Superhero Name: The Last Man
Powers: Willpower, mild charm, and has a highly improbable amount of luck.
Reason For Fighting Evil: To drag this urban wasteland back from hell.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:18 am
*Mugged, sorry.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Name: Nik
Superhero Name: The Subterfumigator
Powers: Can walk quietly on occasion. Really awful, gut wrenching farts.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I got mugget, and he stole nothing but my indigestion pills. Bastard.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Name: Sir Coltrain McSwingleshin
Superhero Name: Blunt Object Guy
Powers: The ability to wield a large blunt object
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because really, whats better than using club like instruments to inflict pain on Dick Dastardly types. Also, I have anger issues.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:10 am
Sounds cool.
Name: Amara Vazquez
Superhero Name: Funky Cold Medina
Powers: 80s music addict
Reason for fighting Evil: Because no one wants to be held at gunpoint on the Holidays with their annoying in-laws from the Midwest.
January 12th, 2009 at 3:04 am
Name: Steve
Superhero Name: The Thinker
Powers: Incredible Thinking powers that help when put under pressure,
pretend to know martial arts because of ethnicity, can pretend to not know english language, small donations from part-time job
Reason for fighting Evil: Credit and ego
January 12th, 2009 at 2:55 am
Name: Victor
Superhero Name: ChompChomp!!
Powers: short attention spa…………oooh look something shiny!!
Reason for Fighting Evil: To stop the production of South Park
January 12th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Name: Mickey Valentine
Superhero Name: The Emotionaut
Powers: Ability to take pictures from every angle but the front, can write “deep” poetry, the ability to see even though my hair covers my eyes
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil seems to be in right now and i don’t wanna be a conformist
January 12th, 2009 at 2:40 am
Name: Ben Gullible
Superhero Name: Mr. Gullible
Powers: Clicky jaw noise, Poke-your-own-eye trick, Gullibility
Reason for Fighting Evil: Death Adder killed my Brother
January 12th, 2009 at 2:40 am
If he’s a supervillian, what’s his alter ego’s name? Hmmm…
January 12th, 2009 at 2:39 am
Superhero: Parry
Powers: Lay down the Pimp hand of Justice
Reason for fighting Evil: Because yuppy scum deserve to go down
January 12th, 2009 at 2:34 am
Name: dumb_blondchick
Superhero Name: Eyes of the Sea
Powers: Sarcastic, Hilarious jokes, untying knots, making brownies…etc.
Reason for Fighting Evil: The french fries aren’t done yet…
January 12th, 2009 at 2:27 am
Name. Mr. Spider
Superhero Name: Professor Spider
Powers: Clever Quips, Sarcasm, Smart-ass Vision
Reason for Fighting Evil: I’m all out of potato salad
January 12th, 2009 at 2:25 am
What a shite article! Give me my three minutes back!
January 12th, 2009 at 2:22 am
Name: Hank Mustang
Superhero Name: The Crowbar
Powers: “I’ve got this crowbar. It’s kinda’ heavy.” Also, a distinct enthusiasm for tabletop roleplaying.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Xbox Red-Ringed.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:20 am
Name: coreyb
Superhero Name: Nippy
Powers: Disarming booby traps… If you have boobies, I will be glad to check them for traps.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Because I can.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:11 am
Name: I. S. Knapp
Superhero Name: rISK
Powers: Pubescent Voice, Sweaty Hands, Ability to Repel Girls
Reason For Fighting Evil: To Get Her Attention
January 12th, 2009 at 2:08 am
Name: Adam Shook
Superhero Name: Doctor Lube
Powers: PhD in Lubrication, Dangerous Anti-Friction Aerosol Spray, Constantly Lubed in all the right places
Reason for Fighting Evil: Insane desire to eliminate friction from the world, by eliminating evil.
January 12th, 2009 at 2:06 am
I forgot “Jim Blammo” as a superhero name for Jim Blanning
January 12th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Name: Jim Blanning
Superhero Name: Professor Sin, King Kaboom, Mr. Mayhem
Powers: Explosives expert, army of well-armed Kamikaze Santas
Reason For Fighting Evil: I must punish those bastard tourists for defiling the natural beauty of Aspen, and the misguided sheriff who allows this pillage to continue
January 12th, 2009 at 1:59 am
Name: Robert ( no last name so that no one, you know, goes after my family or cat)
Superhero Name: The Amazing Captain Super…guy… person…
Powers: Extremely shiny forehead, ability to render any song into an unrecognisable acoustical mess, can waggle my ears.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil is… bad.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:59 am
Name: Taylor.
SuperHero name: The Anti-hero!
Powers: To do good only by being the greatest vigilante ever, even more so then batman.
Reason for fighting: I’m such a tortured soul, I need SOMETHING to release my inner emotions. Why not in a cool suit?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:50 am
Name: Jacob
Superhero Name: Hulk Slurpee
Powers: Uses the powers of the Hulk-flavored Slurpees to get angry, induce brain freezes, and quench thirsts.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Why not?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:45 am
Name: Flip Flimflam
Superhero Name: The Infuriator
Powers: Able to discern the exact thing to say to a person to make them fly into as blind and white-hot a rage as possible (usually “Hey! I had sex with your wife!”). Also has the ability to find a good place to hide when said rage flares up to wait for the police to show up and apprehend the raging villain.
Reason for Fighting Evil: My parents were killed with kindness.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:42 am
Name: Miss Prim
Superhero Name: Nympho-M.A.N.I.A.
Powers: Less talkee, more action, rapeitude, tends to break down doors and raid fridges *wink wink*; capable of creating mucho skidmarks and spine-cracking orgasms in the horizontal/vertical/diagonal mile
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil has the sex-toys. Mine are all worn out *pouts
January 12th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Name: Logan
Superhero Name: Glothar
Powers: Extensive knowledge of wide range of useless subjects, dreams that tell the future(a few times), friend of a much better superhero
Reason for Fighting Evil: Seems like fun
January 12th, 2009 at 1:35 am
Name: Alan
Superhero Name: Huff
Power: Sucking Air (i.e: life) out of people I choose
Reason for fighting evil:Must see world consumed by global warming.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:31 am
Name: Butch “Tinkerbell” Thunder
Superhero name: Ass Goblin a.k.a. The Butt Pirate a.k.a. Big Richard
Powers: Super-gayness, One homo short of a forest fire, Wooden leg can be detached and used as a blunt weapon…
Reason for Fighting Evil: It dropped the soap
January 12th, 2009 at 1:30 am
Name: Jasmine
Superhero Name: Hectik
Power: Enough rabid hyperactivity to energize atoms at the touch
Reason for Fighting Evil: May as well accidentally explode someone bad for a change.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:30 am
Name: Alex
Superhero Name: SarcAce
Powers: Smartass sarcasm power that annoys people into suicide
Reason for fighting evil: Well, for a person with an average IQ it would be obvious, is it for you?
January 12th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Name: Alonso Quixano
Superhero name: Don Quixote de la Mancha
Power: A skinny horse named Rocinante, A squire named Sancho, Awesome hat.
Reason for fighting evil: Giants are a real problem in today’s society.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Name: Brandon
Superhero Name: The Fat Gas Bastard
Powers: Creates lethal toxins
Reason for Fighting Evil: Compensating for a small penis
January 12th, 2009 at 1:20 am
Name: Candy Quackenbush
Superhero Name: Mata Hari, Snap Dragon, Scheherazade, Shakazulu the Sheepdog, Names Her Multiple Personalities-Girl
Powers: I’m chaos-personified, smartass certified, paradox pin-up; hypnosis, paralysis, randomness, ego-deflation, bewitchment, masticulation, philematologist
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil is relative. No seriously, evil is my relative. I hate my relatives.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:19 am
Name: Kevin Kyle Kent
Superhero Name: Klu Klux Kinevil
Powers: The ability to jump 50 niggaz with a steamroller, theoretically. I’ll need some volunteers for my first attempt.
Reason for Fighting Evil: The black man is holding me down.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:19 am
Name: Jordan Gugliuzza
Superhero Name: Sergeant Surgeon
Powers: To horribly deform any criminals that were brought in for getting injured during sprees and not get sued for malpractice.
Reason for fighting evil: Jealousy
January 12th, 2009 at 1:11 am
Name: Jobs Zuckerberg
Superhero Name: The Craigslister
Powers: To get lots of free furniture and meet bbws.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To balance my staggering karmic debt.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:09 am
Name: Squanto “Pocahontas” Geronimo
Superhero Name: Chief Kickincrotch
Powers: Boomerang tomahawk, Firewater breath, and I make your balls looks like flapjacks and you sing like paleface soprano
Reason for Fighting Evil: Boomstick practice
January 12th, 2009 at 1:07 am
Name: Wesson Einfield
Superhero Name: Gunman
Powers: You know that weird uncle of yours with way too many guns? I have more guns than him.
Reason for Fighting Evil: It makes my bullets tax-deductable.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:03 am
Name: Fabio Adonis
Superhero Name: Prettyboy
Powers: My overwhelming good looks.
Reason for Fighting Evil: It cramps my style.
January 12th, 2009 at 1:00 am
Name: Theodore Woodsman
Superhero Name: Eagle Scout
Powers: To always be prepared.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To get my next merit badge.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:59 am
Name: Justin B.
Superhero name: Meltdown
Power: Access to radioactive materials, sterility, possibly slightly radioactive, ability to make pencils and pens vanish inside of people’s heads
Reason for fighting evil: Boredom
January 12th, 2009 at 12:58 am
Name: Mare
Superhero name: Lady Diamond
Super powers: razor wit,dyslexia,can order lunch in 5 languages
Reason : Nothing good on TV
January 12th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Name: Rocquefort Munnydale
Superhero Name: The Hungry Hungry Hobo
Powers: An insatiable appetite for justice!
Reason for Fighting Evil: In a tragic accident I fell into a vat of experimental hunger-inducing chemicals. Now I vow to prey on evildoers.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Name: Bruce Blokesguy
Superhero Name: “Bloke-man” is taken already, so I’ll just go ahead and be Super Bruce, yeah?
Powers: Aww bugger, I need powers now? Well shit… I think there’s a beer bottle round here somewhere, I could break that, I guess. FEAR THE SHATTERED V.B BOTTLE, EVIL! Also, my bluey smells really bad. That is also a power.
Reason for Fighting Evil:
a) You can do it drunk. Like, obnoxiously drunk, so it makes for a fun group activity.
b) Yeah, I reckon Swaim covered the rest. I’m just lonely, and if I run out of this case here, wtf am I going to do with the rest of my day?
January 12th, 2009 at 12:56 am
Name: Dylan T
Superhero Name: Captain Morgan
Powers: A severe disregard for the value of my own life, and a following ability to consume copious amounts of alcohol without succumbing to alcohol poisoning.
Reason for Fighting Evil: The Ladies.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:52 am
Name: Forrest Mengelle
Superhero Name: Captain Bigot
Powers: My inherent Aryan superiority
Reason for Fighting Evil:
Racism!
Homophobia!
Sexism
Religious Discrimination!
Agism!
GO BIGOT!
With your powers combined I am Captain Bigot!
Bigot, he’s our hero,
Gonna take them Jews down to zero,
He’s our powers magnified,
And he’s fighting on the racist’s side
Captain Bigot, he’s our hero,
Gonna take them Jews down to zero,
Gonna help him put in traction,
Bad guys who like affirmative action!
“You’ll pay for this Captain Bigot!”
(chanting)
We’re the Bigot,
You can be one too!
‘Cause saving our racial purity is the thing to do,
Tolerating and egalitarianating is not the way,
Hear what Captain Bigot has to say:
“I HATE EVERYONE DIFFERANT THAN ME!!”
January 12th, 2009 at 12:51 am
Name: Manly McPowers
Superhero Name: Shang a.k.a. Captain Comeback a.k.a. Master Bater
Powers: Blue Steel, The Magnum, Lightning fast retorts, Fiery flaming fists of ferocious flaming fury, I have 911 on speed dial, High pitched scream akin to that of an 8 year old girl, Extensive knowledge of movie quotes and baking powder and dry ice based explosives, The ability to rapidly hurl expletives concerning your conception and the sexual orientation of your ancestors.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because it’s there…
January 12th, 2009 at 12:49 am
Name: Jan Peiro
Superhero Name: Captain Cunnilingus
Powers: Read the Name
Reason for Fighting Evil: I hadnt much thought of that
January 12th, 2009 at 12:44 am
Name: John Richard Decider
Superhero Name: The Invincible Republiman, or Dubya for short.
Powers: I govern as Jesus intended me to, by willfully destroying the evironment and loving your wife on a gigantic pile of money.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because I declared war on it.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:41 am
Name: Lisa K
Superhero Name: CORPSLAVE! *with the !*
Powers: coffee, alphabetizing, bad jokes
Reason for Fighting Evil: it sucks.
=)
January 12th, 2009 at 12:39 am
Name: Leonard Marxstalin
Superhero Name: The Red Scare
Powers: My hammer and sickle of Soviet justice.
Reason for Fighting Evil: WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU! WE WILL BURY YOU!
January 12th, 2009 at 12:36 am
Name: Morgan Sebastian Bastard III
Superhero Name: Captain Bastard
Powers: A garrote. And some shivs for good measure.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To systematically strangle and generally murder anyone who dares to be a bigger bastard than myself.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:29 am
I am so in.
Name: William MacLellan
Superhero Name: MarrowMan
Powers: Makes people cringe with embarrassing racially sterotypical jokes, then pummels them as they do so.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Good guys get the ladies.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:27 am
Name: David Loirot
Superhero Name: Maxwell Demon
Powers: ability to conjure up irritatingly obscure and redundant movie quotes at inopportune times.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Needed a reason to wear those leather leggings.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:24 am
Name: Jade Evans
Superhero Name: Jean Genie
Powers: disturbingly loud mouth breathing, army of circus louses, mild weakness for homoerotic displays.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Chronic and terrible insomnia.
January 12th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Name: Aimee
Superhero Name: June Cleaver, Chicken Farmer
Powers: staying awake all night (a.k.a night-shift), ability to deal with whiny, hostile people with a single, repeated phrase
Reason for Fighting Evil: Work’s been slow
January 12th, 2009 at 12:16 am
You gotta love Swaim. Other than DOB, he has the best articles.
Oh, right.
Name: Damon Maxis
Superhero Name: Do I need a better one than Damon Maxis? I think not.
Powers: The ability to use long strings of verbose double talk to lull opponents into a stupor, then sucker punching them. If they do not go down after that, they get kicked in the balls. If they are female, I instead use the name Damon Maxis to make them instantly horny and bone them. If they are lesbians, I am officially boned. …I probably shouldn’t post my weaknesses in public.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To punch dudes in the face and kick them in the balls with no ill-consequences, and to bone chicks.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
I am so in.
Name: Mihail Milchenko
Superhero Name: Towelboy
Powers: Jewish.
Reason for Fighting Evil: likes comic books.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:30 pm
Name: Zip Zap Zipperhead
Superhero name: Triple Z…..ZZZzzzzZZZzzzZZZ
Powers: Narcolepsy, Mad pwnage, Jamming things in massive zippers!!!!
Reason for fighting evil:Because fighting capitalism is soooooo cold war era…
January 11th, 2009 at 11:23 pm
Name: Katherine
Superhero Name: Katherine-Girl
Powers: The ability to be used as a distraction or a human shield while you sneak behind the confused villain and hit them on the head with a plant.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Bored.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Name: Bill Cosby
Superhero Name: Pokeyman
Powers: The hippin’ and the hoppin’ and the bippin’ and the boppin’ like I don’t know what the jazz is all about!
Reason for Fighting Evil: Jazz is like Jell-o Pudding. No wait, actually it’s more like Kodak film.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:22 pm
Name: Clae
Superhero Name: The Albino
Powers: Sunburns easily; vaguely translucent, which I guess is kind of like invisibilty for pussies
Reason for Fighting Evil: The ladies
January 11th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Name: Billy Do
Superhero Name: The Warc
Powers: Shaped like a human, skills of a warrior orc
Reason for Fighting Evil: WoW servers are temporarily down.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
Name: Sarah
Superhero Name: Frankenjelly
Powers: Instilling mass paranoia (through sarcasm)
Reason for Fighting Evil: No life
January 11th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Name: Julia S.
Superhero Name: Wonderbread
Powers: Everything Wonder Woman does… only baked and yummy
Reason for Fighting Evil: To protect the rights of baked goods everywhere.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:52 pm
Name: J. M. Thomson
Superhero Name: Sky Juke
Powers: Raining sky on people (shut up, it works).
Reason for Fighting Evil: There is just too much damn sky for one Sky Duke.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
Name: Nick
Superhero Name: The Turkey (also, The Slapper)
Powers: A 14 inch, um… turkey…
Reason for fighting evil: To be able to cockslap people in public and be PRAISED for it.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
Name: Jim…uh……Blanning-o
Superhero Name: Snow Job
Powers: The ability to wrap “things” in brightly colored and attractive paper and bows. The ability to feign death. And mad canoeing skills.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because some douche-bag ruined my Blow-Up-Aspen idea.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:14 pm
Name: Tim
Superhero Name: The Toolman
Powers: To be a tool all the time
Reason for fighting evil: An excuse to fuck girls and not be able to be in a serious relationship with them
January 11th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Name: John Gains
Superhero Name: The Hammer
Powers: Hit it with a hammer. If that doesn’t work, hit it again. Repeat as necesarry.
Reason for Fighting Evil: The super-babes in spandex, lack of anything constructive to do with my time.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:05 pm
Name: A.R. Short
Superhero Name: Captain Communism
Powers: THE COMBINED STRENGTH OF A COMMUNIST NATION (split with all it’s residence)
Reason for Fighting Evil: FOR COMMUNISM
January 11th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Name: J
Superhero Name: Hobo Handler
Powers: Commanding hobos, throwing coins at people, chronic sleeping
Reason For Fighting Evil: It’s the side that might not involve being clinically insane. Although…
January 11th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Name: Rob
Superhero Name: That Guy at the Bar
Powers: Ability to drink excessive amounts of alcohol, blacking out, hooking up with fat chicks, puking, wrapping my car around people/light poles/other cars/houses
Reason For fighting Evil: Those bastards blow up bars and liquor stores.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Name: Boxvan
Superhero Name: The Boxvan Man
Powers: Stating the obvious 19 seconds after someone else has already stated it.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I’m frickeen bored and nobody will let me be evil too.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:58 pm
Name: Logan Jones
Super Hero Name: Slaps-himself-when-he-thinks-of-something-inappropriate Man
Powers: Detects a possibility for a dirty joke
Reason for fighting evil: *Gravelly Batman voice* EVIL MADE ME THIS WAY!
January 11th, 2009 at 9:52 pm
Name: Dan
Superhero: Jizzslinger
Powers: Vomit inducing jizz slinging
Reason for Fighting Evil: I just want to put my compulsive masturbating to some good use.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:50 pm
Name: Victoria
Superhero Name: Blast Time-Waster
Powers: Astounding and unmatched skills in procrastination. Quick-witted, meaning I can think of thousands of reasons not to do something else.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil-doers do things! They make me get up to do something. This must be stopped.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
NAme: DeafOne
Superhero NAme: Deafone (what are ya? Deaf?)
Powers: Doesn’t hear evil, so therefore it ceases to exists. in my world anyway.
Reason for Fighting EVil: Free and abundant booty (both kinds) in return for services.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Name: Fuck you! Thats my name!
Super Hero Name: (Huge middle finger in your face)
Powers: (Jams fist down your throat, pulls out your guts, wipes ass with your lungs)
Reason For Fighting Evil: I hate competition!
January 11th, 2009 at 9:21 pm
I just want to be an Angry Cracked Commentator (TM) and point out it’s spelled WYLD STALLYNS.
Also, feel free to use a pop-culture reference from this century.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Name: Peachez
Super Hero Name: El Looooze-O
Powers: The ability to misplace any item given to me
Reason For Fighting Evil: Will get to that once I find my car keys and wallet…
January 11th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Name: Josh Bales
Superhero Name: Super Josh Bales
Powers: I got some hands for you, punk bitch. Also a Family Dentist
Reason For Fighting Evil: I don’t wanna come to your wooden shed, dawg!
January 11th, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Name: Amanda
Superhero Name: SingleMom
Powers: Resistant to boggies and skidmarks; ability to cut foor into bite-sized pieces; ability to withstand incesant talking, whining & crying; completely functional on minimal sleep; magic mommy spit and kisses.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Craves adult company and conversation.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
Name:lbh/Mom
Superhero Name:Nagganista
Powers: Behavior Modification via a combination of constant nudging, incessant guilt-inducing lectures & 24/7 bitching. The ability to win every argument by dragging it out for days…weeks…months until my adversary gives in out of sheer exhaustion. I also have total recall. I use it to dredge up every single slight I’ve ever suffered at my opponent’s hands, which I fling back at them with merciless and terrifying accuracy.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I’ve got some extra time on my hands as I’m currently single(go figure). Also, I’m curious to see if it’s possible to, literally, nag someone to death.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:11 pm
Name: Jesse
Superhero name: The Slightly Impressive, But Not So Much As To Appear Arrogant, Guy
Powers: Making small talk seem almost like a genuine conversation, Witty social observations resulting in mild chortling, False humility
Reason for fighting evil: Need to justify my own delusional perspective on the world by defining everything that contradicts it as ‘evil’ and then fighting it, thereby feeling righteous and great.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Name: Manny Wesfarler, Man-About-Town
Super Hero Name: Orcaman!
Powers: Ability to turn into a powerful humanoid-orca creature as well as suave social skills and a killer ’stache.
Reason For Fighting Evil: To hang out with chicks in spandex.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Name: Bill S. Preston esquire! and Ted Theodore Logan! and together we are WYLD STALLIONS!
Superhero name: WYLD STALLIONS!
Powers: The ability to rock the pants off the entire planet.
Reason for fighting evil: Because Rufus said it’s our destiny!
January 11th, 2009 at 8:23 pm
Name: Matt
Super Hero Name: Mattman
Powers: I have spells. Check my medic alert bracelet.
Reason For Fighting Evil: It’s bad, by definition.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
Name: Tom
Superhero Name: the pist off roofer
Powers: the ability to find out who you are you cocksucker.the ability to get your god damn cell phone number.and ability to get there and kick your ass mother fucker.
Reason for Fighting Evil:because you assholes call me 3 times in the last 10 minutes and because this is A&S roofing and we will kick your ass mother fucker
January 11th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
Name: Kelly
Superhero Name: Dominatrix
Powers: yielding a whip, ability to seduce evil masterminds as well as henchmen
Reason for Fighting Evil: To look fucking awesome in slutty spandex and thigh high boots, on the news
January 11th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Name: Kevin Fanous
Superhero Name: Awesome McCobra
Powers: Can play DDR by headbutting the arrows.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Still angry about Futurama cancellation.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
Name: Ted Nugent
Superhero name: The Nuuge
Powers: The ability to rock any villain to death with the sweet shreds of a Fender Superstrat.
Reason for fighting evil: Have not had a hit record in a while so I am taking this up out of boredom.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Name: Brendan
Super Hero Name: Terribull
Powers: Ability to make sub-par jokes and impale people with them.
Reason for fighting evil: So I can design and use bad-ass slogans.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
name: chayse A.V.
superhero name: Wilkins
powers: heavy persuasion, and mastery of creeping.
reason for fighting evil: Chris Farley broke into one of my dreams and demanded it of me.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Name: Griffin Cooper-Brown
Superhero Name: Cloud Strife
Powers: The ability to wield gigantic swords much bigger than my self, revive people with red feathers (exept in cut scenes, then they are dead for good…), i always have more friends with me than you can see! Oh did i mention i can do magic? i can do magic.
Reason for fighting evil: Sephiroth killed one of my girl friends… and eat my pie.. my pie!!
January 11th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Crate and Barrel!?!
But I just replaced all my crockery during the X-mas sales.
Can’t you make it someplace I can get a new mouse? Mine keeps playing up and I need more buttons anyway…
Name: Echo Charlie
Super Hero Name: Echo Charlie (or possibly TURBO CYNIC I haven’t decided)
Powers: Withering complaints about how you could have done that better and why is it always me who has to point shit like this out?
Reason for fighting evil: There can be only one!
January 11th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Superhero Name: Jeffcarbine
Power: Bacon vision
Reason for Fighting Evil: I really have no other use for my bacon vision.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Name: Richard
Superhero Name: Sir John Tomas
Powers: Ability to make my body rock hard, can blind enemies with a thick white foam.
Reason for Fighting Evil: The excuse to screw bad guys.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Name: Daek Caedyn
Superhero Name: Mr. Stabs
Powers: Mostly stabbing with the occasional slash
Reason for Fighting Evil: If you can’t join them, Kill them
January 11th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Name: Not the Anne that loves Miley Cyrus
Superhero Name: The Wild-Haired Kingpin of Non-Democracy
Powers: Slightly overweight, frumpy wardrobe, flaming red hair (like, literally. It’s on fire. Smells terrible, but scares the hell out of my nemeses and assorted small children), a repertoire of devilishly good puns
Reason for Fighting Evil: Maybe if I fight evil someone will actually date me
January 11th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
Name: Leeroy F. Jenkins
Superhero Name: Leeeeeeeeroyyyyyyy Jenkinnnnnnnns
Powers: Ability to fuck up every single play no matter how fool proof it is made out to be.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I love my battle cry.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:48 pm
Name: Julian Timm
Superhero Name: Rex Fazorblade
Powers: Lightning Bash, Karate Chops, Laser Breath, Time Travel, Rogue-ish Charm
Reason for Fighting Evil: Born to do it.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Name: Ethan Cottle.
Superhero Name: Epiphany!
Power: Lazer flashing.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Through a freak accident concerning the dark powers of the Sixth Dimension, those only referred to in harsh, low whispers, The Wisp, Epiphany! follows the lawful morals of Tucker the Trenchcoat, his only partner and mentor in justice.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Name: Cristaly
Super Hero Name: Magical School Girl
Powers: Tentacle Monsters, School Girl, Being useless, Yelling the Protagonist Hero’s name
Reason for Fighting evil: To make an anime of my adventures
January 11th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
Name: Henry Jones Jr.
Suerhero Name:Indy
Powers: I am ruggedly handsome and I have a bullwhip and a revolver and has the power to beat any nazi and russian in a styleish fasion.I can also beat other people in a fight but in a less styleish manner.Also when I’m tired and gotta take a crap I’l just shoot em.
Reason for fighting evil:To put ancient artifacts in a museum and to beat up nazis.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:30 pm
Name:Sir Drack
Superhero Name: Sir Drack
Powers: Armor that possibly might reflect bullets.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To Steve Erwin someone with my sword. Also to say old school lingo to the women screaming from the bloodshed. Not having to pay for anything because of a bloody sword.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Name: Ganondorf
Superhero Name: King of Darkness
Powers: Ability to shoot energy, teleport, transform, mostly invincible, and much more
Weaknesses: Master Sword and Light Arrows….that’s it.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To use my powers to make others miserable (the villains) without doing anything evil
January 11th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Name: Doug
Superhero Name: Killer
Powers: Remarkably good looks, a painfully sharp wit, and a very large calibre revolver.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Harder to hit a supervillain than a cardboard cutout, but not by much.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Name: Chris Foster
Superhero name: The Caped Citrus Crusader
Powers: Alliteration, stingy burny liquids, occasional runny stool (Reserved for use on the most vile of supervillains. I.E, all of them.)
Reason For Fighting Evil: To stop his archenemy Superscurvy.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:18 pm
Name: Koopaking
Superhero Name: The Validator
Powers: Witty rhetoric, destructive planning abilities
Reason for Fighting Evil: To suddenly switch sides to become a villain after I have defeated all the evil guys.
January 11th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Name: Briahlen
Superhero Name: Gaming Chick
Powers: Cleavage that grants natural 20’s to her die rolls, High Kicks, The Look All Men Fear From Women, & Snappy One-Liners.
Weakness: Spiders & Stalkers.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To make the bad guys cry
January 11th, 2009 at 6:57 pm
Name: Nick Noyes
Superhero Name: The Awkward Boy Wonder
Powers: Being unusually (freakishly?) gangly and bumbling, ability to weild The Boner of Truth 24 hours a day, and intense focus whislt sitting behind Sunni B in math class
Reason for Fighting Evil: So someone other than myself can stimulate my throbbing member to orgasm (preferably female).
January 11th, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Name: Drake
Superhero Name: Archmage
Powers: See photo at website for an example of my magical powers. The ability to use swords and daggers. Also, I can cook a delicious lasagna from scratch.
Reason for Fighting Evil: It provides good material for my future best-selling autobiography.
January 11th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Name: Fred Fredingstein
Superhero Name: chocolate milk man
Powers: can shoot chocolate milk out of hands, Can make any type of milk spoiled, and super strength (only when high)
Reason for Fighting Evil: Someone stole my chocolate milk
January 11th, 2009 at 6:45 pm
Name: Rick Boyson
Superhero Name: Max Fightmaster
Powers: Superfly and incredible swordsmanship
Reasons for fighting evil: Get to wear underwear over pants.
January 11th, 2009 at 6:42 pm
Name: Billy Joe Bob
Superhero Name: Jailbait
Powers: Ability to transform from a 300 pound man into an underaged girl or if need be a boy. As it is well known that sick supervillians go in for that type of thing.
Reason for fighting Evil: I like changing into a young girl. It makes me feel pretty.
Quote: Feel the fury of my cuteness!!!
January 11th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Name: Colin
Super Name: What?!?!
Super Power: umm….
Reasons for fighting evil: Bad childhood
January 11th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Name: Mark McAvoy
Superhero Name: Captain Revolution
Powers: N/A, but I do carry a golf club and a hockey stick.
Reason for Fighting Evil: There was a sale on golf clubs and hockey sticks at Olympia sports.
January 11th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
Reason for fighting Evil: I guess boredom
January 11th, 2009 at 6:32 pm
Name: Aitrus Dolovan
Superhero Name: Incubus
Powers: Sleeps constantly but still aware; when woken up, super strength and blind rage, can tolerate and enjoys pain; frequently uses semi-colon; androgyny.
January 11th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Name: Ryan
Superhero Name: Lord Kelvin
Powers: Can convert measures of temperature like a motherfucka
Reasons for fighting evil: Pussy
January 11th, 2009 at 6:17 pm
Name: bobleponge II
Superhero Name: Dinosplosion
Powers: can make dinosaurs explode
Reason for Fighting Evil: Bored
January 11th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Name: Jack Bauer
Superhero Name: Jack Bauer
Powers: Infinite cell phone battery/ ammo. For a more detailed list see http://www.jackbauerfacts.com
Reasons for Fighting Crime: Crime? The people I kill are criminals? Whatever, they deserved it
January 11th, 2009 at 5:57 pm
the george clinton pictures MAKES this article…genius
January 11th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
Name: Sock
Superhero Name: Mr.Freaktastic
Powers: Guitar wrapped in tin foil
Reason for Fighting Evil: Scrubs isn’t on.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
BEGONE BOB BOBBYSON for i LATINO ELVIS HAVE THE WHOLE SIDEBURN THINGY WRAPPED UP U R MERELY AN IMPOSTER!!!!!!
January 11th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
Name: Liam
Superhero Name: Smoker
Powers: I kill evil doers with second hand smoke, I also ruin a good meal by talking far to loudly. Liable to be sick in the face of violence.
Reasons For Fighting Crime: Girls love superheroes I think.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
Name: Sarai
Superhero Name: Anansi Queen
Super Powers: being super sly, and control over spiders
Reason for Fighting Evil: It’s in the family. My father was the original Anansi, considered a god by the people of Jamaica
January 11th, 2009 at 5:43 pm
name: Chris
Superhero Name: Dr. malevolence and my malevolent malevolots
powers: lasers, telsa coils and jacobs ladders
reason for fighting: to smite the evils of do-goodery, and defend holidays
i might be in the wrong place
January 11th, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Name: Will
Superhero Name: FratBoy
Powers: Fueled by cheap beer, my strength grows the drunker I get. I also have the combined speed, intelligence, and motivation of all fraternity members everywhere, but I’ve managed to overcome that.
Reason for fighting evil: The groupies, and free beer. Oh, and truth and justice and that stuff too.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:34 pm
Name: Richard
Superhero Name: Dick Strong-o
Super Powers: Phallic Thrust
Reason For Fighting Evil: I’m the only dick around here.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Name: Clara Smith
Superhero Name: Tomboy Girl
Powers: Ability to: hang out with the most hideous of nerds (most supervillains),
withstand the most infuriatingly stupid dick jokes,
hold my own in video games but purposefully hold back to leave the masculinity of my opponent intact,
attractive enough to make others think your geek ass can actually get a girl, but impervious to any sexual advances.
Reason for Fighting Evil: It’s not as if I have any prospects of dating or marriage since I am far too forward and only feminine in appearance, why not do something productive with my time?
January 11th, 2009 at 5:28 pm
Name : George W. Bush
Superhero Name : The President
Powers : Dodge shoes, ruin economies, spread terror and look dumb. Also Create chaos and do pointless wars.
Reason For fighting evil : I lost my job to some black guy, so I must avenge my name!
January 11th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
Name: Bob Bobbyson
Superhero name: Captain Sideburns
Powers: i have sideburns so huge that they suck in sunlight and fire the light out in a laser that cuases my foes to tremble in fear as they begin to grow SIDEBURNS OF DOOM and they are crushed under the weight of them…oh, and super strength so i can cope with the wieght of my own sideburns
Reason for fighting evil: Muttonchops were all the rage in ye olde times and by creating a superhero with awesome muttonchops, it might catch on again…IM BRINGING MUTTON BACK….YEAH
January 11th, 2009 at 5:24 pm
Name: Vic Vanity
Superhero name: AntiGrammarMan
Super powers : ability to confuse my enemies bye writin run on sentences and the use of no puncuation poor speeling and horrific grammar
Reason for figthing evil : to pad my resume 10 percent discount i would like to hang out in the hall of justice plus i have no friends
January 11th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Name: John
Superhero Name: ? i dont know.
Powers: None. unless you count i memorized a few beach boys songs, and i can eat ALOT of raman noodles. (ALOT)
Reason for Fighting Evil: I was in the contest of the ages, the rules? drink a robot dinosaur pirate under the table. the prize? my family. i need my family back micheal. (lesson learned: drinking a robot dinosaur pirate under the table? thats ridonkulous.)
January 11th, 2009 at 5:23 pm
Hahaha Stephen, does that make me your female counterpart? I’ll settle for sassy Irish sidekick, even though we basically have the same powers.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:19 pm
Name: Jamal Kareem Tershawn Williams
Superhero Name: Da Funky Fresh Anti-Jive Ultra Brothalicious Super Fly Groove Masta Black.
Powers: With my magic microphone raps become a reality as i freestyle them ferociously at yo grill, also have super strength pimp slap and wield my trusty pimp cane.
Reason for fighting crime: Because criminals is jive suckas!
January 11th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Name: Garrett
Superhero name: Knee Slapper
Powers: I have the amazing ability to slap old peoples knees.
Reasons for fighting evil: It just so happens that Santa is old.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Name: Wolfsbane
Superhero Name: Enabsflow
Powers: Double D Hypnotysm (works only on males and lesbians), Writes sdrawkcab, super stunt driving, power of observation. During a natural cycle once every month can turn into a vicious, feral, overpowering machine of hatred and violence.
Reason for fighting evil: The local league of evil steals my parking spot and my Oreos. That, and Lard Lad bet I couldn’t kick Dr. Bumblefuck’s ass with a frying pan in the parking lot. He owes me 50 bucks.
To Supermom: So that was you trying to defeat my nemesis George Bush. nice work, only you missed. You’ll get him someday.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Name: Eric johnson
Superhero Name: Lemming Phlegmming
Powers: The ability to fire lemmings out of the nostril in rapid succesion. Oh, and did I mention that the lemmings have exploding drills for arms and legs?
Reason for Fighting Evil: To find and defeat my long-time arch nemesis, Dr. Cocktopus
January 11th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Name: I have no name lesser Mortals
Superhero name: Diceman, or DM Supreme.
Powers: D&D geek, able to control the world with simple rolls of the dice.
Reason for fighting evil: Come on guys! My parent’s basement is totally rad, plus we can cool out from long campaigns against evil with long campaigns in the Cavern of Flames!
January 11th, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Name: David
Superhero Name: “Help!” since that will be the last thing my enemies will ever say before I am done with them.
Powers: Proficient martial arts skills after a combined time of about two years (mostly Muay Thai)
Reason for Fighting Evil: played one too many Final Fantasy games, also have been nicknamed “Tony Stark” by many people which seemed like a divine sign that I should fight crime, though in retrospect it could be due to how fly I look in a suit and that I am a borderline alcoholic.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Name: Maggie
Superhero Name: The Technocrat
Powers: Cybernetic implants that make me really cool. Also robots. Lots and lots of robots. Oooh and a monocle! And a top hat! Yes.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I just have so darn many robots that need something to do. One can only have so many robot butlers before one starts pitting them against each other in the gladiatorial arena.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Name: Classified
Superhero Name: African Culture Jam
Powers: The ability to conjure apparitions of Simba the Lion King out of mid 80s Paul Simon cover versions. The ghostly lions themselves assault the senses of my nemesis with a barrage of made up words, such as Clesp, Prunth, Flart, Meast, Farrop, Phasp etc.
Reason for fighting evil: Really wants to know what a bearded breakfast is. And some other stuff.
January 11th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Name: Xavier Van Helsing
Superhero name: Apathy
Powers: Debate, level 22 dungeon master, also can hover a mere half inch off the ground.
Reason for Fighting Crime: I don’t know. I guess, like, it seems okay I guess.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Name: Bael Z. Bub
Superhero Sobriquet: The Beast
Powers: FTL Sarcasm, Chronic and Debilitatingly Obnoxious Bouts of Explosive Verbal Flatulence, an Awesome Command of the English Language, and Your Mother
Reason for Fighting Evil: Fighting evil? Aw, fuck. I’m in the wrong line. Sorry…
…can I still get the 10% discount though?
January 11th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Name: Christine
Superhero Name: SuperMom
Powers: Can sling a shoe around corners and across a room, has super human hearing and has eyes in the back of my head.
Reason for fighting evil: Because they have bad manners
January 11th, 2009 at 4:47 pm
Name: Thomas
Superhero name: The Steel Knee
Powers: an extremely painful knee. Jalapeño/fire cannon arm.
Reason for fighting crime: I feel like it.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Name: Clark Wayne
Superhero Name: Captain Obvious
Powers: i can say the i’m gonna divide by zero, making nerds run away in fear
Reason For Fighting Evil: Need an alibi
January 11th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Name:Bilbo Buckfutter
Superhero name: The Mighty Dirty Cawk
Superhero Powers: Can fap to anything. Greatest victory scored was fapping to a black and white photo of the armless Venus de Milo statue in a thousand and one Questions and Answers book while on toliet visiting Grandmother.
Reason for fighting evil: The Mighty Dirty Cawk needs none of your puny mortal ‘reasons’.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Name: Beebs
Superhero Name: The Drummer
Power: Able to drum at particular frequencies, creating what can only be described as a “killing sound”
Reason for Fighting Evil: Like The Architect of Funk, incapable of admitting that the world is really that sad.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Name: Bob
Superhero name: The Bread Stick
Power: Can harness the awesome power of bread sticks!
Reason for fighting evil: it’s hard to any other use for the awesome power of bread sticks.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:34 pm
Name: Mike
Superhero name: Reflex Saving Throw Man
Power: It is absolutely impossible for me to be knocked down or tripped, and I nearly always wiggle out of harms way. I also can’t be caught flat-footed.
Reason for fighting evil: I want to test my powers on something other than icy sidewalks.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:33 pm
Name: Burny McFirecrotch
Superhero Name: The Flaming Underneath
Powers: I can give bad guys (or whoever pisses me off) a plethora of STD’s instantly that cause an unbearable burning sensation in their nether regions. I never kill; after they’ve suffered my wrath, my victims kill themselves. It’s the only way…to escape the pain.
Reason for Fighting Evil: A radioactive condom manufactured by an evil condom company that cut corners left me impotent while giving me my powers. Now I fight injustice with the power of the STD’s that I could never have the joy of spreading normally.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
did i mention I also employ this hot air balloon as transport?… Yes, this hot air balloon that also employs a death ray mounted on top and is powered by the broken dreams of children.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Name: Savaril
Superhero Name: The Sleepy Terror
Powers: Extreme tiredne
Reason for Fighting Evil:
January 11th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Name: Adam R
Superhero Name: Clitoraid
Powers: Can shoot clito-beams (TM) from his eyes, resulting in a large orgasm in a women (Note:Useless on straight men, will work on the homosexual type though).
Reason for Fighting Evil: Craves pussy
January 11th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Name: (SECRET)
Superhero Name: Kodyack
Power: Knows the future, super genius, Has Goggles.
Reason For Fighting Evil: I’m Bored…
January 11th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
Name: Aiden Pennant
Superhero Name: Ayden (So sneaky)
Power: Able to drink 15x the normal humans capacity of alchohol, speaks four languages (hey, damn good for an american), can fly for short distances before pummiling face into ground.
Reason for fighting evil: My father left me when I was young, my mother was never home, my sister commited suicide, my brother killed my dog…but really it’s because of the 10%
January 11th, 2009 at 4:18 pm
Name:As above
Superhero Name:The Gaelic Hound
Powers:The ability to have any female fall under my power due to my Irish accent, stunning charm and cheeky grin
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Sounds like a suitable pastime for a person such as mself
January 11th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Benrichardsrm, we should like, team up!
January 11th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Name: Serenity Frost
Superhero Name: iSuper
Powers: Able to swiftly find appropriate theme song for any situation, able to stay out of sight (off camera) while blasting such theme song.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Need money for court battle with Apple Computers.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Name: ADHD
Superhero Name: Member Man
Power: Abnormally large… well… read the name!
Reason for fighting evil: What else am I gonna do with this thing?
January 11th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Name: Rufus Steel
Superhero Name: The Godfather of Baroque
Powers: Have people question what the hell is going on, snappy dance moves, instant pregnancies via a rugged handsome stony gaze.
Reason for fighting: Having a bachelors in fine arts and no contacts in the business.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
Name: What, you guys forget the first rule to being a superhero, sheesh…
Superhero name: El Dylano (See how i cleverly disguised it… in Spanish??? Shit i hope no one speaks Spanish)
Powers: The ability to bend spoons with my mind… But you gotta like, look away for a little bit.
Reason for fighting evil: My silverware has been particularly malevolent lately, i.e. dickish.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Name: Daniel Tuituku
Superhero Name: The Fijian Terror
Powers: The ability to offend everyone. And no fear.
Reason for fighting crime: Something to do I guess.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Name: Omar Lopez
Superhero Name: The Falic Symbol
Powers: Bad spelling, gigant pimples and hyper-fast eyaculation
Reason for Fighting Evil: Size complex
January 11th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
Name: Knockout
Superhero Name: Shadowsaurus
Superpowers: Treading only in hard light; casting a shadow that looks like a dinosaur, even though I’m not a dinosaur; putting the fear of dinosaurs into the hearts of evil men
Reason for Fighting Evil: Worried Swaim is going to get himself killed
January 11th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Name: Rod Mchugeandlong
Superhero Name:Sniper McSniperton
Powers:procrastination, apathy, having seen every Scooby Doo episode except the ones with Scrappy, Shooting people in the eye
Reason for Fighting Evil: So I can hang around the HQ and shoot people in the eye, but only when there is nothing on TV and I really feel like getting off the couch and the villian is wearing a mask.
January 11th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
Name: Kevin Murphy
Superhero Name: Mr. Fancypants
Powers: Wear really fancy pants to distract the evil-doers from my face (I can’t afford a mask)
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil owes me $14.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Name: Matt Moore
Superhero Name: The Drunk
Powers: Breath usually has high enough alcohol factor to be lit on fire, impervious to pain (until the next morning)
Reason for fighting crime: Can’t remember/probably told random chick at bar I was superhero
January 11th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
Name: Matthew
Superhero Name: The Philosopher
Powers: Conceptual thinking- able to cripple supervillains with overly drawn-out theoretical arguments
Reason or Fighting Evil: Really, who can say what motivates any of us to do what we do? Is it not possible that even the most seemingly altruistic act of heroism (super or not) is still driven by an internal desire for gratification via the pleasure we all feel when aiding fellow citizens, therefore revealing a selfishness inherent within all of us; and to that regard, can any of us really claim to be super; in that to be “super” there is an implied rising above or surmounting of the ordinary strata of hero, which, as shown, an unachievable whilst we remain bound to our mortal selves.
QED
Also, the mob killed my parents.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
Name: Edward Perambulator Jones
Superhero Name: The Unobtrusivator
Powers: The ability to create a general feeling of unease among my enemies. A sort of malaise nobody can quite put their finger on, but may cause them to comment to a friend or colleague they are a little perturbed. Reducing productivity… somewhat.
Reason for Fighting Evil: With great power, comes great responsibility.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:43 pm
Name: Darien Robertson
Superhero Name: Jamrock
Powers: Being half Jamaican and half Irish, Sorcerer Supreme
Reason for Fighting Evil: How much does this pay?
January 11th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Name: Jackson Bigby
Superhero Name: Captain Package
Powers: The ability to control and manipulate cardboard. Also, I have an above average penis size.
Reason for fighting crime: Beer money.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:36 pm
Name: Lex Taliones
Superhero Name: The Flanus
Powers: Stealth Sarcasm. Can eat 24 Wild Buffalo Wings, three imported Beers, AND another 24 Mango Habanero wings for dessert with no discomfort, Flanus (Flaming Anus) Gas (Note: fires randomly)
Reason for Fighting Evil: I sold my Xbox 360.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:35 pm
real name - victor zsasz
superhero identity - homeless man
powers - ability to acquire pocket change at a fantastic speed
reason for fighting evil - need to find a new cardboard box and cup of coffee. evil keeps stealing old ones.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:30 pm
Name: Dantyne Saber
Superhero Name: Valkyrie Cain
Powers: to use my sarcasim to drive everyone crazy before I roundhouse kick them in the head.
Reason for fighting Crime: I’m sarcastic and I like roundhouse kicking people in the head….what else do you want from me?
January 11th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
Name: Captain Electricity
Superhero Name: John Smith
Powers: All of them
Reason for fighting crime: Drunk.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:26 pm
Name: Jesus Christ
Superhero Name: The Masked Messiah
Powers: fucking miracles
Reason for Fighting Evil: Son of God and such.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Name: Eamon Quinn
Superhero Name: The Louisville Smuggler
Powers: Quoting movies, imitating pro wrestling, hating that commercial where two sane-seeming white men start freaking out about getting falloutboy at the superbowl. Also, rock band super-singing.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Wait, fighting evil?
January 11th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Name: Allen Welsh (actually from Scotland, stupid name)
Superhero Name : Fucking Awesome
Powers : Stab proof belly (i.e fat)
Reason for fighting evil : need to pad my personal statement for university and gives me an excuse to wear a superhero top hat (Super heroes are famed for top hats aren’t they?)
January 11th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Name: J-Wizzle
Super Hero Name: Lord Byron and His Squadron of Dancing Fools
Powers: Sophistry, Super-Etiquette, Able to Delight and Amaze Crowds between sizes of 120 and 143,271 during performance hours.
Reason for Fight Evil: Jolly Good Sport
January 11th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
we are big frigging group of freaks… all of the people who read this is going to answer the entry???
January 11th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Name: Yuki Mekishiko (artistic name, I will save my real name for protecting my family)
Superhero Name: Neko ninja
Powers: something like a japanese catwoman who can talk three diferent lenguages (english, spanish, japanese) and since I’m smal and cute I can use that as a distraction.
Reason for Fighting Evil: this is a good scuse for having an xtremly cool alter ego.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Name: Evil
Superhero Name: Mr. Evil
Powers: Irony
Reason for Fighting Evil: It’s ironic.
January 11th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
Boobies!
January 11th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Name: Bob Geeza
Superhero name: Mr. Shrinky Dink
Power: Can expand or shrink any part of my body or even my whole body.
Reasons: Well, I can give myself a big dick, so the ladies should be ringing–*ding dong*–oh it appears someone is at my door!
January 11th, 2009 at 3:00 pm
Name: Jamie K
Superhero Name: Catsuit Girl
Powers: Ability to wear skimpy skintight clothing which may/may not be glued on. Can also rip a phonebook in half and make terrible suspect sketches. Has large breasts.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To get a job at a newspaper corp so no one will suspect me and flirt with my red-faced, cigar-smoking, buzz-cut wearing editor shamelessly.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Name: Big Joe
Superhero Name: Dr. Strangelovin’
Powers:
1. The ability to use any object as a communication device (the more comical ones get better reception)
2. The ability to pilot any aircraft and survive hilarious crashes unscathed
3. The ability to have weapons pre-hidden in whatever pizza I happen to be eating without anyone noticing allowing me to pull some Rambo-like, over-sized, automatic weapon covered in cheese out of a well crafted, delicious pie.
Reason for fighting evil: all of the above, to get out of doing real work and to protect to sanctity of Christmas in all its commercialized glory.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Name: Java Voodoo
Superhero Name: The Surrealist
Powers: Can turn a giraffe into a fish-giraffe thingy
Reason for Fighting Evil: bicycle
January 11th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Name: Jim (damn, it have an evil name) Morrow
Superhero Name: Taste the Rainbow
Powers: To make skittles all around the world fall from randomly forming rainbows. The skittle will then aim themselves at the evil-doer of my choosing and impale him/her/it to death. (Yes, you can impale with skittles)
Reason of Fighting Evil: Kids’ don’t take impaling skittles too nicely.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Name: Alexander
Superhero Name: Destructive Criticism
Powers: Can identify weaknesses in an enemy’s musical compositions and publish scathing reviews, can search out a person’s weaknesses and insecurities and mock them relentlessly, can name every track on Joe Cotten’s latest album.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I’m bored. Nobody likes me.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
Name: Suzanne Dee Nimm
Superhero Name: Cliche Woman
Powers: Killing people with the power of cliches/persistant because practice makes perfect
Reason for Fighting Evil: To destroy super villians because the bigger they are, the harder they fall. I would have applied sooner, but better late then never.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Name: Wille Everstop
Superhero Name: The Trickle
Powers: Enlarged prostate. Ability to locate all restrooms in any given establishment.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Eternal bloodfeud with my archnemesis the evil Dr. Icefinger
January 11th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Name: Ed Rex
Superhero Name: Jim Dandy
Powers: Can make any enemy into a friend with my light-hearted behaviour, wit and charm. Can also make brains explode with my mind.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Door-to-door sales hasn’t been very rewarding.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
Name: Andrew
Superhero Name: Snow Man (dramatic music que)
Powers: When in cold weather climates I can make snow balls, or really, really hard iceballs!!
Reason for Fighting Evil: Chicks dig a superhero, my other job sucks, and I can’t think of a better way to spend a Sunday afternoon.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:44 pm
Name: Morgan
Superhero Name: Marco Alberts
Powers: I travel through the Alaskan wilderness wrestling kodiak bears and tearing them apart with my bare hands…pun unintended…maybe.
Reason For Fighting Evil: Bears, being the soulless killing machines that they are, have aligned themselves with the forces of evil. Rather than have a team of reindeer pulling his sleigh, the evil Santa Claus uses a team of bears to terrorize the world, and pull his “slay” made from the bones of children.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Name: Luke
Superhero Name: Patrick Swayze-man
Powers: Mexican ethnicity and rampant alcoholism
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Provides a much needed outlet for my bondage fetish
January 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Name: Mortimer
Superhero Name: Not Mortimer, that’s for sure
Powers: Statistical analysis and data management
Reason for Fighting Evil: Rock star career isn’t working out.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
Name: Sandy
Superhero Name: Rum Baba
Powers: Rum-infused super fighting ability, rage, charm and good looks
Reason for Fighting Evil: Very easily influenced by superhero films.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Name: Frank
Superhero Name: Kyle
Powers: Knows how to get the ladies.
Reason: I knew this guy at camp. He was maybe 13. He got two girls pregnant, man. Two girls pregnant. Yea, Kyle.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Name: Norm
Superhero Name: Nails Magnum
Powers: Vomiting on command, creating various potato guns from potato pistol to potato howitzer
Reason for Fighting Evil: Boobs. Chance to use Christian Bale Batman voice
January 11th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Name: Connor
Superhero name: Dr. Awesome
Powers: Insulting Wit, ability to morph into a palm tree, and able to disguise himself with mustaches and wigs.
Reason for fighting evil: It was either this or get a real job.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Name: Philipo
Superhero Name: Hydro-man
Powers: Ive got hydrolic arms.
Reason for Fighting Evil: i literally cant help myself. all i want to do is love but my stupid arms kill people.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Name: Jack
Superhero Name: The Hipster of the Night
Power: Arguing with people in pretentious voices, huge reflective laser glasses, moon boots
Reason for Fighting Evil: Supervillains are SO 1954.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Name: Thomas
Superhero name: Captain Saskatchewan
Powers: Super Strength, possessor of the “Moose Force”, Ability to create delicious baked goods from a well stocked kitchen, likes to pretend he’s the Prince of Persia.
Reason for fighting evil: Exceptional moral fiber, empowered by the Moose Force for such a purpose, has read a lot of batman. Too much free time.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Name: Ben Evans
Superhero name: The Improbable Doctor Farquharson
Powers: Detective skills, Master of(by which I mean “knows like two moves of”) several martial arts, does one hell of a Sean Connery impression
Reason for Fighting Evil: Became a superhero whilst under the impression that “chicks dig spandex.”
January 11th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Whoops, it deleted all my -EDITED- tags. Lack of government intervention makes my powers even more terrifying
January 11th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
Name: Sean
Superhero name: L.L. Ska J
Powers: impervious to hangovers, can maintain warm body temperature in cold weather
Reason for fighting evil: I don’t seek out the evil, evil seeks out me
January 11th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
Name: John
Superhero Name: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
Powers: Screaming, being lazy, non-free form jazz, kicking stuff really hard, exploding , lazer monkeys, reading , penis Geddy Lee
Reason for fighting evil: I’m afraid that’s classified, but the real reason is that it sounds cooler then my day job of jumping out of and shooting , though not by much.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Name: The silver surfer
Superhero name: the silver surfer
Power: Being silver, surfing
Reason for fighting crime: it was this or become a specialty stripper.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:21 pm
Name: Nico
Superhero Name: The Nick of Time (… geddit, geddit?)
Powers: Surviving bad puns, being able to turn anything into a bad pun, usually dressed in deceiving sheep’s clothing.
Reason for Fighting Evil: General unemployment.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
Name: Dan
Superhero Name: The Flavor Mage
Power: Can make anything (ANYTHING) taste delicious. Also, I can talk directly to the Internet. Kinda like Dr. Dolittle, but, you know, with the Internet.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Sick of watching people be serious dicks all the time.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Name: kvinnan86
Superhero Name: The Pain
Powers: Sarcasm, immunity to alcohol, super stabbing powers, acid urine.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Endorsement deals from restaurants.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:15 pm
Name: Riley Hart
Superhero Name: Captain Funk-a-Dunk
Powers: Afro Power, Use of Basketballs as Weapons
Reason for Fighting Evil: Bored
Also:
Name: Riley Hart
Superhero Name: Commander Puggles
Powers: Control over the animals of Australia. Which is mainly just boxing kangaroos and mesmerizing-in-their-cuteness Koalas.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Lack of things to do in Australia.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Name: Classified
Superhero Name: That one guy from X-Men 3 who can write by moving his hands.
Powers: Can wave hands over paper and make words appear.
Reason for fighting evil: What the fuck?! Come on X-men. This kid writing with his hands is not sufficient reason for admission to the school of Mutants (Gifted Kids as we call them in the business). Was his life in danger when those ruthless teen jocks at his high school discovered how much of a freak he was? And was there no way to disguise his mutation (such as writing with a pen)? I say we up the admission requirements here. C’mon
January 11th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
“grasping” you idiot, grasping!
January 11th, 2009 at 2:04 pm
Name: Kratz
Superhero Name: Devastator or some other equally cool Transformers G1 name
Powers: Severe asthma, ability to speak incomprehensibly (aka, speech impediment), and the speed of a horny turtle
Reason for Fighting Evil: Unemployed and have nothing better to do in this economy
January 11th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Name: Eddie
Superhero Name: The Paladin
Powers: vast intelligence, cybernetic synethized insulin delivery device, fused right to my torso, slight insanity
Reason for Fighting Evil: To defend Christianity (or any other moral religion) from the unconstitutional and groundless evils of Anti-theism.
January 11th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Name: Christine (I have no last name….like Cher)
Superhero Name: The Amazing Christo (Not Christo like Jesus Christ, Christo to rhyme with Bisto)
Power: Unparalleled sarcasm, good reflexes, looks good in masks
Reasons For Fighting Evil: A solid moral core and a need to be occasionally Badass
January 11th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
Name: Jordan Smith
Superhero Name: Big J
Powers: Super height, super computer skills, super metrosexual glasses (I guess that last one is more tech than power)
Reason for fighting evil: Court ordered community service.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:59 pm
Name: Greg
Superhero Name: probably just “Greg”
Powers: Lightning-quick blinking and winking capabilities, super-hugging, can recite pi to over 12 digits.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Gin and not grapsing the concept of an appropriate social environment.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Name: Michelle.
Superhero Name: Green Goddess
Powers: communication with plants and animals, changing people’s minds, creating small warps in space/time. I’ve also been told my pussy is magic, so there’s that, too.
Reason for fighting evil: To be honest, I’m not in 100% yet. If the Christmas Legion of Doom has better weed I’m outta here.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
Name: Carl Sands
Superhero Name: The Amazing Sandman
Powers: I throw sand (You see the pattern here), that shit is not something you want in your eyes.
Reason for fighting evil: Lost a bet.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Name: Chris
Superhero Name: The Atheist
Powers: Ability to withstand Limp Bizkit “music”, screaming at Christmas-themed villains for not planting explosive Holiday Present instead of explosive Christmas presents, single-handedly corroding the morals of every single good Christian conservative child in America.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Boredom
January 11th, 2009 at 1:48 pm
Name: Michael Smith
Superhero Name: The Powerslider
Powers: Ability to undo any keystroke on a Windows system with a few button presses, doesn’t wear glasses, enjoys classic rock.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Rock and roll is dead.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
Name: Efrain
Superhero Name: Deep Six Shooter!
Powers: Scuba Diving and Revolver Shooting at the same time!
Thats kind of limits me to underwater escaping villains or their shark monsters but that still makes me more useful than Aquaman!
Reason For Fighting Evil: I really not nothing else to do and evil didn’t ask me first!
January 11th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
This is all because Aspen failed to elect Dr. Thompson to the office of Mayor when they had the chance. Imagine how long a jackanapes like “Blanning” would have lasted against real-life chaos mage Hunter S freaking Thompson! Not long.
My superhero name is [Expletive Deleted], and my power is that when I say a curse-word, everyone in the world is powerless to avoid hearing it. I have yet to work out how to productively use this power. I wish to fight evil so as to discover how I might do so.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:46 pm
HA! I laugh in all the faces of the New New Superfriends. You think that you can stop the greatest supervillain of all time, Jim Blanning, and his Army of Evil?!?! You superheroes are pathetic! You’d have better luck trying to stop the earth from spinning than trying to stop our dark lord. Prepare to die, heroes. Your days are numbered….
Name: N/A
Supervillan Name: The Danger Ranger
Powers: Super Evilness (Yes. I’m so evil, its a power of mine), Super Strength, Flight, Indestructable
Reason for Fighting Good: For shits and giggles.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Name: Unknown
Superhero name: Captain Diction
Powers: baking, gloating, repairing agricultural machinery
Reason for Fighting Evil: Insecurity about own masculinity
January 11th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Name: Christopher Sturz
Superhero Name: Christophrozen
Power: Cryokinesis (my hands are really fucking cold at almost all times)
Reasons for Fighting Crime: To make excuses for never having course work completed
January 11th, 2009 at 1:42 pm
El Super Villain Man Hombre wants to apologize for writing that you would all be my slaves after you perish. Even I as a villain understand that that’s not possible. My sincerest apologies… Now perish and become my slaves!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (in hell)
January 11th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Name: Lance The Great Annihilator
Superhero Name: Joe
Powers: Paralyzing foes through anal penetration.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Love of anal penetration and hatred of evil anals.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Super (Evil) hero Name: El Super Villain Man Hombre
Powers: The power to destroy anything at will. You fools! I have penetrated your records and have all your abilities and and identities! You shall all perish and will become my slaves! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Reason for (Being) Evil: Daddy use to touch me in my special parts…
January 11th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Name: Jeremy
Superhero Name: Kanuk of the North
Powers: Wisdom of the Beaver, Patience of the Moose, and the shitting power of the Canadian Goose
Reasons for fighting Crime: 142 years of envying Capt. America
January 11th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Name: Voidedlives
Superhero: Shitstain
Powers: The ability to fire a concentrated stream of purtrid liquid shit when in times of stress.
Reason for Fighting Evil: It’s less socially embarassing when I use my amazing powers for good!
January 11th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
Name: Kieran
Superhero Name: Hot Pants
Powers: Moderately Powered Microwave vision. So if we can get him to sit still for a good hour or so, he’ll really get it. Also, red hair.
Reasons: The Hot Pocket test kitchens told me that I was useless, and the bad guys didn’t want me. Not for my powers, anyway.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Aww, I’m not witty enough to submit a superhero application. But I CAN ask: is that “favorite canoe” thing for real?
January 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
right, i’ve got loads:
Name: Bret Farve
Superhero Name: Captain Cheesehead (see what i did there?)
Powers:The ability to throw a football really far with amazing accuracy, natural born leader, helmet body armour and tight pants, vast wealth
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Well i need a new hobby, so i asked myself ‘what would Jesus do?’
Name: spider_man6969
Superhero Name: CAPTAIN CAPS-LOCK
Powers: AM REALLY FUCKING ANGRY BAD USE OF ENGLISH NO UNDERSTANDING OF PUNCTUATION BAD/MISINFORMED GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
Reasons for Fighting Evil: OMG WTF THOWS EVIL FUK0RZ THINK THEY ARE HARD WELL I AM HARDER AND I GOING TO PWN THEM ALL ROFLMAO LOLZ
Name: Cody Andrews
Superhero Name: Douchebag
Powers: inexplicable popularity, lack of personality, group of homies to watch my back, overcompensating behaviour, loud and arrogant, short fuse, womanising
Reasons for Fighting Evil: peer pressure
Name: Ollie Willams
Superhero Name: WEATHERMAN
Powers: I YELL STUFF
Reasons for Fighting Evil: REVENGE
Name: George W Bush
Superhero Name: Commander Cuckoo-Bananas
Powers: control of the US government, matrix-like reflexes, the protection of God, Dick Chaney
Reasons for Fighting Evil: God told me to
Name: England
Superhero Name: The Great British Empire (GBE for short)
Powers: tea, superiour linguistic skills, ability to create the USA, the SAS, James Bond, America’s BFF
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Evil killed my father, and raped my mother
January 11th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Oh, damn.
I meant good looking. I apologize everyone. Although…God is very far off.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Name: Big Davey
Superhero Name: Brandt Windtalker
Powers: Being extremely god looking and the ability to insult my foes through the power of wit and also being a dick. But I have to limit myself so I don’t lose the PG rating for our cartoon.
We’re getting a cartoon, right?
Reason For Fighting Evil: To further display my disturbing devotion to Michael Swaim. And I got laid off from my other job, so why not?
January 11th, 2009 at 1:28 pm
Superhero Name: Super Hugh G Rection
Powers: Ability to stand at attention and stretch at any given moment.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Villinous chicks are hot!
January 11th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Name: Logan B. Lloyd
Superhero Name: Orgasm Girl
Powers: Large tits and the ability to make anyone orgasm (including that bitch who always says “oh forget it! I’ll finish it myself” and then never does from what you can tell.)
Reason for Fighting Evil: Bored and horny
January 11th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Name: Dave B.
SuperHero Name: Luck-a-saurus
Power: The ability to make whomever I copluate with Instantly better looking. That and Nunchucks.
Reasons for fighting evil: My Bank charges me to much.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Name: Bernijrjrjr
Superhero Name: Rjrjrjinerb (pronounced ‘urge-urge-urge-in-herb’)
Powers: Ability to reverse spoken, but not written words
Reason for Fighting Evil: Hopes ‘Fighting Evil’ somes with health benefits and a dental plan.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:16 pm
Name: Aki Y.
Superhero Name: Michael Swaim
Powers: Ability to paralyze people with laughter. Also, kicking dogs.
Reason for Fighting Evil: My parents pushed me into it.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Name:danny
Superhero Name: road
Powers: can steal things…….ummmm not that i have or anything because im a good guy but……also can destroy the english language (in a good guy way)
Reason for Fighting Evil: tired of being called a pedophile whenever i wear a coustume and try to fight crime
January 11th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Name: George Walker Bush (Jr.)
Superhero Name: The Decider
Powers: Making the shittiest decision possible
Reason of Fighting Evil: “Oh, is this the New New Superfriends? Shit I was looking for that there Legion o’ Doom, can ya’ll help me out?
January 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Name: Dydomite
Super-Hero name: Motorcycle Jesus
Powers: Jesus lightning powers, Make a motorcycle come out of anything (ANYTHING!!!)
reasons for fighting evil: Evil stole my pencil in pre-school
January 11th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Name: Chris
Superhero Name: Apathy Man
Powers: All the powers of Superman and no will to use them whatsoever.
Reasons for fighting Crime: Don’t really care.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Name: Bob Ziggerman
Superhero Name: Magic Negro aka Negrodomus
Powers: Helping out the White man, because Disney made me a complete tool (thanks cracked for enlightening me!). Also, as a side note, notice that Imperator is a greater tool +1 than me.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil (Disney) made me a tool, henceforth I shall use my toolness to help the White man thwart the evils of Disney. Also, some evil scrotumsucker raped and killed my uncle, which in turn made me a bit demented after I found out the truth.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Name: Uh, John Smith, yeah, that’s it.
Superhero Name: The Embezzler
Powers: The ability to gain too much trust.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: You’ll need someone to stay at the base and, um, “manage” the finances.
January 11th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Name: Jane
Superhero Name: Awkward Gal
Powers: Colorful prose, baking a mean loaf of banana bread, classy dance moves
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Has nothing better to do
January 11th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
Name:King Bushwick the 33rd.
Powers:Self Proclaimed Emperor of The United States and Benevolent Protector of Canada and Mexico.
Super Powers:Issuing Royal Edicts Against Blowhards Of Both Political Factions!!
In a Rare Diplomatic Move, Persuaded North Korean Ruler Kim Jong Il Agreed To Swap Political Prisoners In Exchange For Taking The Following People In Return:Alec Baldwin;Bill O’Reilly;Michael Moore;Ann Coulter;Sean Hannity;Michelle Malkin;Rosie O’Donnell;
Jeremiah Wright;Pat Robertson;Fred Phelps;Jesse Jackson;John Hagee;Al Sharpton;Michael Savage and Michael Medved!!!
January 11th, 2009 at 12:52 pm
Name: Tom
Superhero Name: Tommer man
Powers: Being able to put funny quotes/pictures on T-shirts
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Evil? Jeez man I just make T-shirts…JUSTICE T-SHIRTS! Oh yeah ha haw!
January 11th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Name: Imperator Zices
Superhero Name: 1upman
Powers: Anything you can do, but +1 better
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because I’m better than u … +1
January 11th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
Name: Jay
Superhero Name: G.U.N. (Note: “G.U.N.” does not stand for anything, but it sounds f*cking awesome when you say it.)
Powers:
- Supersonic dancing.
- Fangs. (Is that a power?)
- My hands are guns. F*cking. Guns.
Reason for Fighting Evil: My hands are f*cking guns. Also, babes.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Name: Popey
Superhero Name: Mr God
Powers: quick reactions, lightning fast puns, an unlimited supply of repressed rage, holy water and jesus disks
Reason for Fighting Evil: The antics of superheroism are tax deductable in my country
January 11th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Name: Hich
Super Hero Name: Leper Lad
Powers: Ability to remove and re-attach limbs at will. Can throw arm like a boomerang.
Reason for fighting evil: They aren’t making new episodes of “Whose Line Is It Anyway?” anymore.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
Name:unknown
Superhero Name: Rapacious G
Powers: shadow riding, mind blowing, cake manifesting, sodomy
Reason for Fighting Evil: I’d like to start some deliberate fires while in battle and get away with it on the count of heroic manslaughter.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Name: Tony
Superhero Name: JihadGirl69
Powers: maxing out men’s credit cards and their…fucking lives!
Reasons for Fighting Evil: To eventually give in to it like the slut that I am.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
Name: Sev
Superhero Name: The pudding cannon
Powers: Able to make any part of body dissolve to pudding and then able to fire it at enemies (via the face hole), can turn back to limb if I can find all of it
Reason for fighting evil: can’t rob a bank with pudding
January 11th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Name: Chew
Superhero Name: Satire-X
Powers:
- Spending long hours watching comedies that are to clever for most to fully “get” (Dr. Strangelove, anything by Woody Allen besides Annie Hall).
- Making rapidfire comedic insults about my enemies which get adapted into feature length films, thereby destroying all of my enemies pride and moral, leaving them powerless.
- Listening to Frank Zappa.
- Trying to explain to people how witty and cutting the popular cartoon South Park really is.
Reason for Fighting Evil: hoping to meet gurlz.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Name: Ross
Superhero Name: Panzier-Stier Ross
Powers: Superhuman strength, crazy fake German accent, bumbling, clumsy comic-relief.
Reason for fighting evil: Mostly guilt for accidently crushing a whole family to death during a strongman act in a small circus in Munich.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Name: ????
Superhero Name: Time-Out Kid
Powers: The ability to go un-noticed while standing in a corner wearing a stupid hat.
Reason for fighting evil: Because standing in a corner with a stupid hat becomes much cooler when you’re kicking evil’s ass.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
Name: [classified]
Superhero Name: Captain Sparky.
Powers: Dog throwing. Changing a lightbulb with electricity on and not dying.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Huh?
January 11th, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Name: classified
Superhero Name: The Duke
Powers: Sarcastic quips, 5th grade comebacks
Reason for Fighting Evil: stowaway inside New New Superfriends HQ
January 11th, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Did everyone forget that the Superfriends sucked and included Aquaman?
To be fair, a league of heroes like these ones(Below, and probably above) are going to fare much better than the original Superfriends, but that’s not saying much.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:10 pm
Name: Lance McBigblackcockerton
Super Hero Name: Super…uh…Rocket…Guy.
Powers: Snow Plowing, Spanish, Jarsquatter.com
Reason for Fighting Evil: The free vagina buffet
January 11th, 2009 at 12:09 pm
Name: Joe Young
Superhero Name: Mighty Joe (original, I know)
Powers: Slightly higher than average size and strength, perfect grammar
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because fighting Good tends to end in jail time
January 11th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
Name: SUPER SEKRIT TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED THINGY
Superhero Name: The Philosopher
Powers:
-Conclusively disprove enemies’ existence
-Stun/confuse enemies with circular logic and/or torrents of bullshit phrases
-Hurl copies of Kant and Leibniz with deadly accuracy, inflicting concussions and deadly papercuts
Reason for fighting crime: What else am I going to do with this goddamn degree?
January 11th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Name: fat joe
Superhero Name: joe sixpack!
Powers: the illegitimate use of grammar and punctuation?
Reason for Fighting Evil: they gave me the name “fat” joe
January 11th, 2009 at 12:04 pm
Name: Al
Superhero Name: The Deathworm
Powers: A combination of poor hygiene and an indiscretion involving uranium give The Deathworm the power to expell radioactive parasitic worms from his body at speeds approaching 80 mph.
Reason for Fighting Evil: It would be awesome to find some utility for the aforementioned power.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Name: Keith Dietrich
Superhero Name: Captain MySpace
Powers: The ability to have more friends that I don’t actually know than you do, and to bore you literally TO DEATH with horrifyingly internet surveys and chain mails. Then I call upon my sidekick- Daniel the eyeless, soulless, Niggeroid baby who was brutally sodomized and killed with a microwave and then flushed down a toilet- to come eat your soul and stab your eyes out because you didn’t repost that chain mail I told you about
Reason: To be offered guest spots on shows like Heroes and Mythbusters so I can have raunchy, sweaty, eyes rolling into the back of your head sex with people like Hayden Panettiere and Kari Byron.
I also need a new emmersion blender
January 11th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Name: Chin-Ching Chang
Superhero Name: The Glasshopper
Powers: Can jump super-high.*
*(But land like a normal human and have a degenerative bone disorder).
Reason for fighting evil: Can’t play sports.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Name: Bob
Superhero Name: Bob-o-tron
Powers: Decent at scrabble, can smell approaching weather
Reason for fighting evil: Damned scientologists
January 11th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Name: Michael
Super hero name: Cobramaster
Powers: Basically the Hulk with the ability to command snakes and immunity to all organic poisons, electricity, and alcohol. Also the improvising abilities of a genius.
Reason: Well with that set of powers what else do you do other than become the greatest supervillian in history or the greatest superhero, plus the snakes like to bite evil people more than the innocent and righteous.
January 11th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
Name: My secret identity cannot be revealed, lest my family and friends become targets for EVIL DEEDS
Superhero Name: Sir Spidergoat
Powers: The ability to shoot spider silk from my nipples, a keen ability to make love, premature ejaculation
Reason for Fighting Evil: My mother never hugged me, so I’ll hug villains, WITH MY TITS
January 11th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Name: Logan
Superhero Name: N/A
Powers: N/A
Reason for fighting evil: I came for the Gang Bang…
January 11th, 2009 at 11:54 am
Name: Adam H
Superhero Name: The Corrosive Sac
Power: Acidic Ball Sweat. Ball sweat has the ability to melt cloths without harming the skin. Have harness into an aerosol spray… you’re welcome.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Willing to help as long as there are super villainesses. Otherwise, kinda pointless.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Name: Randy M
. And yea id probably drink alot too
Superhero name: Sensie Randy
Powers: I really know how to kick very high and im pretty fast
Reason for Fighting Evil: Have a hard time thinking for reasons i just wanna hurt bad people
January 11th, 2009 at 11:47 am
Name: Joey O.
Superhero Name: Robbin’ hoods
Powers: Mean left hook, macgyver-esque weapons on the spot, actual instruments of death (of the blunt and bladed variety) uncanny ability to turn around muggings.
Reason: death wish 3, watching society crumble before me, need excuse to wear costume, casey jones… the usual reasons anyone does anything nowadays.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:46 am
Name: Tricia Anderson
Superhero Name: The Not-Quite-As-Brave-As-Sir-Lancelot
Powers: Incredible Sleeping Action!
Reason for Fighting Evil: I have a hangover and need to take it out on somebody
January 11th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Name: Bob (yes, just Bob)
Superhero Name: Captain Procrastination
Powers: Not sure - I’ll figure them out tomorrow
Reason for Fighting Crime: Hmm, cant really remember. I’ll see if anything jolts my memory and get back to you.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Name: John Something
Superhero Name: Winnebago
Powers: Steven Segal-esque ability to “take out the trash.” Also, my psychiatrist wants me to do something “good for the community.”
Reason for Fighting Evil: They pooped on my cat.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Name: Jason Trumeter
Superhero Name: Insomniac
Powers: Ability to never sleep. Can eat 20 hot pockets without dying. Can make references to Jim Gaffaghan on hot pockets. Can spy on sleeping people due to inability to sleep.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I need something to do at night.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Name: Christian Meudt
Superhero Name: The Confounder
Powers: Ability to stab things with my Trusty Knives, and hyper body-slam. Also, I can regenerate injuries on my left leg.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Better than drinking myself into a coma.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Name: Greg T.
Superhero Name: Rocko
Powers:”The Stone Roses” ( I throw rocks at you),
“The Stone Temple Pilots”( I throw rocks at you)
“The Rolling Stones” (I roll rocks at you, arguably less effective)
“Sly and the Family Stone” ( I throw rocks, presumably at you)
“ROCK CLOUDS” (self- explanatory)
Reason for Fighting Crime: Getting to make puns circling around the two meanings of the word rock (a durable piece of earth, a genre of music) and also possibly a third meaning implying the invocation of physical harm (i.e. Getting `ROCKED`), all while throwing rocks at (people?) people.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:35 am
Name : Jean Bolduc
Superhero name : Monsieur LeFromage
Powers : Speak French, ability to wear a mustache, smell bad and to not shave.
Reason for Fighting Evil : Get money to drink more wine.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Name: Andrew Smith
Superhero Name: Letterhead
Powers: Ability to pick up objects with my toes, extensive mental database of trivia, can type 65 WPM, good communications skills, 10 key proficiency, and the ability to slow down/speed up time (I once stared at this clock for five minutes to see what would happen and my friend totally swears I did it [and he's a pretty trustworthy guy]).
Reasons for Fighting Evil: To prove, in fact, that Global Warming down there doesn’t exist. Also, revenge. Oh, and also probably Nazi gold.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:30 am
Name: Michael (That’s all you get)
Superhero Name: Mothershabooboo
Powers: On increadibly dry days, I’m able to conduct enough static electrisity while wairing woolen socks to shock myself and a matalic object to the point that any electronical device adjasent to myself will short circit and explode. I’m also a God at Karioki.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Evil shot down my imaginary parents, and kicked my dog. It will not get away with this.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Name: Dib
Superhero name: ADHD girl
Pow……Is that cheesecake? I love cheesecake! I remember when I was a little girl my mother made the best chees
January 11th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Name: Nissa
Superhero Name: The Amazingly Logical One
Powers: I use logic to make minds explode. Also have a fluffy animal army (mostly kittens)
Reason for Fighting Evil: Fun and profit
January 11th, 2009 at 11:28 am
Name: Sean Driscoll
Superhero Name: Ghostwriter
Powers: Able to type faster than a speeding bullet. Can read any novel in the span of a single day. Armed with steel-tipped pencils and boomerang romance novels to combat literary crime everywhere.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Is bored. What? That’s not a good reason? Well, you disingenuous internet heathen, en guarde!
January 11th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Name: Gac
Superhero Name: The Bee
Powers: Super Spelling Powers, ability to see patterns where there absolutely are none.
Reason for Fighting: Nothing good on TV.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:26 am
Name: Lewis Copland
Superhero Name: The Mysterious C
Powers: Ability to evoke feelings of sexual frustration between man and farm yard animals, MacGyver-like sense of recycling.
Reason For Fighting Evil: So I can use a Christian Bale Batman voice at every given moment.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Name: Lance Q. Sexington
Superhero Name: The Human Chastity Belt
Powers: With my “Hillarious movie impressions”, opinions on everything and overall anti-social behaviour anyone I frequent with is guaranteed not to get laid.
Reason: I believe after a week of being followed around by me and not being able to get some, supervillians like this Blanning chap will surely kill themselves.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:17 am
NAME: Staff
SUPERHERO NAME: Professor Pole Position (P3)
POWERS: Rock star parking, AND I instinctively grab the key I need on a full key chain without looking… seriously.
REASON FOR FIGHTING: F*** it, I’m tenured.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Name: Erasmus Zweibeck
Superhero Name: &Man, evil beware the man who wears the ampersand
Powers: Really bendy thumb, magnetic colon
Reason: That sweet, sweet 10 per cent discount at Crate and Barrel
January 11th, 2009 at 11:16 am
Name: Unknown (Mysterious)
Superhero name: Sarcasmo
Powers: Uncanny levels of sarcasm that drive villains to a point of rage that results in suicide or involuntary head explosion
Reasons for fighting evil: Because I like it SO much! (I’m sorry. I felt a demonstration of my powers was in order)
January 11th, 2009 at 11:15 am
Name: Anthony Zaccone
Superhero Name: Senor Magnifico.
Powers: The power to beat the shit out of a guy with a baseball bat, basic freerunning ability, and impressive aim with a Nerf gun.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To show my god damned parents that I’m actually doing something with my life.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Aw man, every post after mine was far funner. I demand a do-over.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:08 am
Swaim, are the new new superfriends just a ploy to ensure you do not spend another valentines day alone?
January 11th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Name: Joseph Archibald
Superhero Name: Beaverman (no jokes please! I got enough of those in Superhero school, eh)
Powers: Can gnaw faster than normal humans, above average chewing ability, and finishes almost every sentence with “Eh”, thus annoying everyone in the room who isn’t a Canuck. Also decent with math, eh.
Reason for Fighting Evil: So the ratio of Canadians to Global Population can skyrocket, eh. Plus free beer. Beauty, eh.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Name: Global Warming
Superhero Name: Global Warming
Powers: Ability to kill off cute Antartic Animals, can melt stuff, and can make people think I don’t even exist.
Reason: To make people believe in me.
January 11th, 2009 at 11:01 am
Name: Jen
Superhero Name: The Drunk Chick
Powers: Supersonic scream, Come hither glance of death, nakedness inducing flirtation, long range crying
Reason for fighting evil: Supervillain boyfriend just dumped me, friends dared me to
January 11th, 2009 at 10:59 am
Name: J. Voutilainen
Superhero Name: Finlander
Powers: Super strenght, Flight, super speed,
ability to command dogs(citation needed) and ability to withstand Russians, Swedes and the cold
Reason for Fighting Evil: Finland is fucking BORING!(Also I want to meet Swaim, he seems cool)
January 11th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Aw, gosh. Sorry. I already signed up with the super-villains. Maybe next year.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Name: Cancer
Super hero name: Cancer
Powers: I cause your cells to mutate and run amok in your body, and take over by cruel dictatorship. i also create pus.
Reasons for fighting crime: That dude AIDS is trying to get one over me, I AM SCARIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Name: Eryk Strenk
Superhero Name: The Octopus (not Samuel L. Jackson, but based on Swaim’s description in the “Animals That Have Superpowers” article)
Powers: a combination of Mister Fantastic and Captain Marvel: hyper-intelligence, can regrow severed limbs, spray ink, move in perfect cadence with underwater currents, squeeze through any space larger than a quarter, and change color to blend in with my surroundings.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because I can… I’ll probably end up betraying you, join the New Legion of Doom, betray them, rejoin the New New Superfriends saying it was part of an elaborate spy job, betray you again, and finally rejoin the New Legion of Doom as my original betrayal was part of the ploy all along
January 11th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Name: Austin S
Super hero name: Captain McAwesome
Powers: to be determined at a later date I’m assuming id be used as comic relief or the token black guy and yes i realize I’m white (what a plot twist!)
Reasons for fighting crime: It counts as community service and my mom says that because im 33 i have to start taking initiative with my life
January 11th, 2009 at 10:37 am
to James aka The Zoo Keeper:
do you also have an elephant who never forgets… TO KILL
or a disgruntled crab known only as Citizen Snips?
January 11th, 2009 at 10:32 am
fuck Christian Bale
Michael Keaton was the best Batman/Bruce Wayne
hell, Val Kilmer was a better Batman/Bruce Wayne
January 11th, 2009 at 10:31 am
I’m sorry, but that award should go to Dick Cheney for reasons everybody knows. And he not only succeeded with his dastardly plans, but got off scott free.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am
LOL’d @ Doc Ock as Snidely Whiplash
January 11th, 2009 at 10:24 am
Name: JB
Superhero Name: MotorBoat Bandit
Powers: Willingness to motorboat any set of titties on earth, rendering the motorboatee unconscious for hours.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Counts as internship for degree in Feminine Studies
January 11th, 2009 at 10:23 am
Name: Ryan
Superhero Name: Robo-Hitler
Super powers: The powers of a Fascist dictator combined with those of a killer robot.
Reason For Fighting Evil: To destroy all Apple computers….and those pesky ethnic minorities.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Hint: if you keep reading, you will have the 1980s forced upon you.. I dare ya.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:16 am
Name: Elle Sea Superhero Name: Mrs. Doc Holiday Powers: I can control a legion of kitty cats. I have D boobies which, if I’m guessing right from glancing at my boyfriend’s comics, is quite a power indeed. I have a side-kick dog named Nostrodamus,so, ya know, that’s gotta help, somehow… Reasons for fighting evil: I’m tired of Evil smearing it’s jerk-feces in the face of Earth like some kind of misguided intergalactic German shizer video. It stops TODAY!
January 11th, 2009 at 10:15 am
Okay.. everyone.. READ THESE COMMENTS.. These are some of the absolute best.. Take an hour or two, really..
January 11th, 2009 at 10:14 am
Name: Ikku Bonaparte
Superhero Name: Cinders
Powers: Pyromancy, Uncanny lyrical memorization, Really good cook
Reason for Fighting Evil: Boredom
January 11th, 2009 at 10:13 am
Name: Christian Bale
Superhero Name: The Batman
Powers: Those of a Demi-god.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To show up that damn Michael Keaton.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:09 am
Sweet…
Name: The 1980s
Superhero Name: ay-deez
Powers: Extensive 80s knowledge, Long-range gaydar for Homersexuals, cat-atonic reflexes, and smoker’s cough.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Charles Bronson would have wanted it that way.
January 11th, 2009 at 10:08 am
Name: James
Powers: Telekinesis, shooting flames from hands, and ability to remember Christmas parties
Reason for fighting evil: Swaim told me to
January 11th, 2009 at 10:00 am
Name: Melissa Magee
Superhero Name: Astonishella
Powers: Can breathe above water for hours on end, can dance the electric slide
Reason for fighting evil: Desperately seeking Daddy’s approval.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:59 am
Name: Ron Burgundy
Superhero Name: I’m Ron Burgundy!
Powers: I’m like a god walking amongst mere mortals. I have a voice that could make a wolverine purr, and suits so fine they made Sinatra look like a hobo. In other words, I’m the balls.
Reason for Fighting Evil: The man punted Baxter! The man that loved the motorcycle! The motorcycle on the bridge! I hit him with a burrito! He took him! He took him with his foot and he kicked him! That’s what he did!
January 11th, 2009 at 9:56 am
My reason for fighting evil? I like when my nipples tingle.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Name: SurfaceDog
Superhero Name: Mister Awesome
Powers: Knows pi to the fiftieth decimal place. Nipples tingle in the presence of evil.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Name: Gregory Swank
Superhero Name: Canine
Powers: None yet, though future possible dog powers from being bitten by a dog that time.
Reason for Fighting Evil: So people will like me.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Name: Jay Augustus
Superhero Name: Boob Master
Power: Ability to control and materialize boobs.
Reason: To bring boobs to all my Superhero homies.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Name: John Every-Man
Superhero Name: Fluoroman
Powers: Can turn into any one of the primary colours, though each time runs the risk of getting cancer
Reason for fighting evil: Because I have only 6 months to live
January 11th, 2009 at 9:40 am
Name: Murtada Al-Zaidi
Superhero Name: Captain Iraq
Powers: Superhuman endurance to physical and emotional pain, ability to throw shoes with incredible accuracy (planning, like Batman, to make exploding and/or bladed versions)
Reasons for Fighting Evil: George W. Bush, Dick Cheney
January 11th, 2009 at 9:40 am
and cool! michel swaim and george clinton are eachothers alter egos!
wow, im going to go listen to mothership connection and watch cracked TV.
see if i can find the similaraties.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:39 am
Name: Nadine
Superhero Name: Tenacious Young Hellcat(Ty for short), alternately SherbertGirl or the Burlesque Buster(i have a love of corsets, and Buster Keaton..)
Powers: The ablity to get uber high from packets of sherbert, pyromania-uh, pyrokinesis, indepth knowledge of inane movie trivia, spoons, expert in using a pen as a sword(not scathing writing, though i can do that too, but actually using a collection of fountain pens as stabbing weapons)
Reason for Fighting Evil: That Story of the Shooting Santa made me want to kill some motherfuckers, also, the imaginary lion in my neighboourhood needs to be finally dealt with. That and i want to be in a comic
January 11th, 2009 at 9:36 am
name: jan mcjoe
super hero name: jerry (or terry) suave.
powahs: can comb hair waaay to fast, johnny bravo style.
reason for fighting evil: to get back at whom ever took dapper dan’s hair gel off the market.
(me and george clooney are gonna get that son of a bitch)
p.s. that was a “oh brother, where art thou?” joke. hope you guys saw that movie.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:34 am
Name: Secret
Superhero Name: Captain Tycoon
Powers: The ability to build up small businessess in a matter of seconds. Oh, and I can fly aswell.
Reason for fighting evil: My diabolical nemesis, Richard Branson.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:33 am
Did the comment section just get rick rolled?
January 11th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Name: Rick Astley
Superhero Name: Rick Astley
Powers: Is no stranger to love. Knows the rules, and so do you. Always thinking of a full commitment, wouldn’t get this from any other guy. Needs to tell you what hes feeling, and wants to make you understand.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: For Game Trailers everywhere
January 11th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Name: Phil
superhero name: The phizzle
Powers: The ability to consume mass quantities of alcohol greater than any average human, and the strength of 20 drunk guys put together.
Reason for fighting evil: I promised my AA group I would do somwething constructive and I am court orderd to be on the neighborhood watch committee. If it wasn’t for that I would be at the bar and saying fuck it let the other guy deal with it I’m getting drunk…………Goddamn judge
January 11th, 2009 at 9:28 am
Name: Zakaria Somethingsecret
Superhero Name: Advent-urer (see im holiday themed as well)
Powers: Platypus style kung-fu and other skills ive learned on my many travels also to make use of the hot-air balloon, tophat, moustache, revolver, vast fortune and bodyguard (Mr. Kickincrotch: note dont ask about his name) i inherited from my dead uncle Lord Manly McManlypants.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because Rapefist McLuckypants wont get away with murdering my uncle that easily. Quick too the hot-airballoon Mr. Kickincrotch!
January 11th, 2009 at 9:27 am
Name: Ink
Superhero Name: Ink
Powers: The ability to play the Baritone sax passably. Being a sadistic female D&D GM. Half-assed Silat moves. Typing really really fast. Loves Swaim for his hot!!!ness.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To bring misery to as many people as possible! Mwahahah- Uh.. for the kittens! Those poor kittens!! Mwahahaha!
January 11th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Name: Death
Superhero Name: Death
Powers: Death
Reason for fighting evil: … Wait, evil?
January 11th, 2009 at 9:23 am
name: Pat McGroin
superhero name: Professor Flatulence
powers: The ability to tell long and pointless stories that don’t really go anywhere, throwing ketchup packets with extreme accuracy
reason for fighting evil: To promote my new pyramid scheme
January 11th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Superhero Name: Ultrapants Man
Powers: To look absalutly stunning in any pair of pants (mens or womens) and to shoot potatoes from the palms of my hands!
Reson For Fighting Evil: Im the Pope….undercover
January 11th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Name: Dave Davinson
Superhero Name: £10 Man
Powers: The ability to manipulate a single £10 note at will… for brief periods of time… on a sunny day… in the month of august.
reason for Fighting Evil: Court ordered community service
January 11th, 2009 at 9:21 am
Name: Lorelei Rhine
Superhero Name: The Mermaid
Powers: 100% accuracy with a Mountain Dew can, frigid stare, and Dagger eys
Reason for Fighting Evil: Decided to stray from the family and be on the side of good
January 11th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Name: James
Superhero Name: The Zoo Keeper
Powers: Able to summon hordes of various animal species, including a sexually frustrated elk named Bogart.
Reasons for Fighting Evil: Training purposes.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:17 am
What a wonderful article, maybe this guy is the REAL Holiday Killer from The Long Halloween.
Name: The Bass
Powers: The ability to play the bass guitar to at a below average standard and Communicate with fish ( but only Bass).
Reason for Fighting Evil: Because It’s super bad-ass.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Name: Ace McTasty
Superhero Name: Spandex Lad
Powers: The ability to transform into a tight fitting, brightly colored spandex superhero uniform in tight, enclosed spaces faster than the average human being and to look rather heroic in said costume. Also flaming laser balls of death!
Reason For Fighting Evil: For the chicks, man.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:15 am
Name: Tara
Superhero Name: SuperMom
Powers: Eyes in the back of my head, superhearing, the ability to throw shoes with incredible accuracy.
Reason for fighting evil: To earn enough money for that tummy tuck and liposuction, also, I seem to fighting the rising evil in my children every day. I may as well expand my horizons.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Name: Nathaniel Bro Toolington III
Superhero Name: Cake of Beef
Powers: Unbelievable ability to amaze people with my awesome biceps and pecs bro!
Reason: Its sunday
January 11th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Name: Jesper
Superhero Name: Doctor Destruction
Powers: Decieve good super heroes to believe that he is on their side. Also, explosions
Reason for Fighting Evil: Look over there, a flying cow!
January 11th, 2009 at 9:13 am
Name: Thomas Wagstaff
Superhero Name: El Wagrido
Powers: Flight, super strength, super fatness, super socially awkward.
Reason for Fighting Evil: The police rewards for catching the villains. And love of justice and crap I suppose.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Name: Pogue
Superhero name: Mr. Fahrenheit
Powers: Constant, slightly raised body temperature of 100.5 degrees. And karate.
Reason for Fighting Evil: Three foiled plots and my karate lessons have paid for themselves.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:05 am
Name: Herbert
Superhero Name: Jail Man
Powers: The ability to rape anyone at any time at prison.
Reason for Fighting Evil: He just likes raping people.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Name: Ben Healey
Superhero Name: Duck-a-Moo
Powers: Ability to make people slightly uncomfortable, reasonably effective Farmyard Animal impersonations, able to withstand temperatures as low as 15 degrees Celsius.
Reason for Fighting Evil: I have to get my scouts badge.
January 11th, 2009 at 9:01 am
Name: Ryan
Superhero Name: Smarties
Powers: Freesyle Rap Attack, and my sidekick, Slim Lady
Reason for Fighting Evil: N/A (I’m mysterious with my own back-story that will be revealed at a later date)
January 11th, 2009 at 8:57 am
Name: Melody M.
Superhero Name: Sarcasma
Powers: Able to light people on fire with my scathing sarcasm…oh, and I have a spaceship that can travel through time, or something
Reason for Fighting Evil: Sandwich!
January 11th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Name: Dr.Spork
Superhero Name: Dr. Spork
Powers: Spork-themed accesories (throwing sporks, spork cannon, sporkmobile), supremely well equpped hideout in abandoned Spork factory, ten years martial arts training to defend name/gimmick choices
Reason for Fighting Evil: To distract people from the fact that I’m not a doctor
January 11th, 2009 at 8:53 am
The provided photo of the villain proves his crazyness. He definately looks like someone who lives in a log cabing laughs “mwaghaghaghagha”. I’d say he threatened to blow everyone up because kids were stomping his lawn, but he didn’t have lawn, only snow…
January 11th, 2009 at 8:51 am
Name:Can’t remember
Superhero name: cliché
Powers: Kicking ass, wondering about the mysteries of my past Reason for fighting evil: Finding out the truth or failing that, boning dozens of women who think heroes with amnesia are sexy.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Name: Alycia K
Superhero Name: Mega-Ninja/Bear
Powers: Nunchuck skill, Bear skills and I also have a sidekick called Ninja-Boy.
Reason for Fighting Evil: It was my new years resolution
January 11th, 2009 at 8:39 am
Name: Jorn T. Younger
Superhero Name: The Giant
Powers: 25 feet tall;
Reason for Fighting Evil: If the evil fear me, perhaps the good will not.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I shall also join your New New Superfriends!
Name: Otto Smith
Superhero Name: Cannonball-O
Powers: Elephantitus of the Testicles, The ability to weep on command inducing pity in other men.
Reason for Fighting Evil: To get enough sweet sweet cash from sponsors to get some much needed surgery… botox for my Gen X wrinkled visage.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:32 am
Name: Tommy Satan The Joke Stealer
Superhero Name: The Double Agent
Powers: Yes, please!
Reason for Fighting Evil: To disguise inherent sadism and love of destruction with good intentions and endorsement of the legal system.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:16 am
He would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling humorists.
January 11th, 2009 at 8:13 am
As they say on ebay ” A+++++++!!!!!!!!!!”