Church of Scientology,
You almost certainly know who I am. I’m taking over as the host of Late Night once Conan leaves, I’m probably going to play Peter Parker/Spider-man in the next few Spider-Man films, and my abdominal muscles are visible from space. What you probably don’t know, is that I also write for the Internet. And I don’t blame you for not knowing that. The company I keep has given you somewhat of an unfair treatment. I run with the crowd that’s made childish, unflattering videos about you, so if you avoided the entire Cracked scene because of a few bad apples, (a few, pornography-loving, puppy-raping apples), I wouldn’t blame you at all.
But I want you to know now, that I’m not like the others on this blog. I’m not here to attack you. Look, I know how this society gets. You’re just a religion, trying to get by, and this society has turned you into a punchline. Strangers, people you don’t even know, will say “Blah blah blah, Scientology is crazy!” for a cheap laugh, and it’ll work, too. Because it’s trendy. People laugh at the mere mention of your name, they’ll never take your organization seriously and they attack your founder and you know what? They don’t even know the first thing about you. They just think “Hey, popular pillars of comedy like The Daily Show and SNL and Cracked all make fun of Scientology, so I’m gonna do it too, haw haw haw!”
But that isn’t fair to you. I know that, for better or worse, the Church of Scientology helps people. You’ve made some wrong turns and said some foolish things. Some of your methods, I’ll admit, are questionable. But you know what I see when I look at COS? An organization that a select group of people truly believe in. An organization that makes people happy. No matter what else happens, at the end of the day, people need the COS to get by because it helps them.
And shouldn’t that be enough?
I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to throw me in with the rest of the Cracked crowd, because I need you to listen to me. I need you to listen hard. I need you to listen like you’ve never listened before, COS. Listen like I’m spitting Thetans right out of my mouth. (And you need to collect all of the Thetans so you can be Thetan master, right? Is that what you do? I can never tell which is Scientology and which is Pokemon.)
You can look at my history. I’ve never really been one to get in your way, COS. I don’t know what you do, and I don’t particularly care. I’m not one to judge, COS, it just isn’t my place. After all, according to my personal beliefs, there is but one true Judge, and He will judge us all fairly when the time is right.
So, you can do whatever you want, COS, but, just this once, I’ve got to warn you- Stay away from Miley Cyrus. I heard that one of your high priests, John Travolta, was trying to recruit Miley Cyrus and I’m telling you to back off because I don’t want to see your operation ruined. You guys really, (really) don’t need any more bad press.
I don’t even know why you’d want her in the first place. Maybe it’s because your last tiny celebrity went a little too nuts, and you need a brand new tiny celebrity to be your poster child. Maybe you want some young blood in your organization, or just blood in general. (Do you guys drink blood? I think I read an interview somewhere that said Scientologists were vampires. Again, not judging.)
Maybe you’re trying to recruit her because just didn’t know who Miley Cyrus was, which is understandable. I know that, for a long time, I didn’t know who or what she was. I just heard the words “Hannah Montana” thrown around at various middle schools I used to hang around and had no idea what anyone was talking about. I felt totally out of the loop. Up until about six weeks ago, I thought “Hannah Montana” was either a magazine or some kind of hat.
Well, COS, she’s not a magazine, and she’s not a hat. I’m going to say it once, and I’m going to say it to you the only way I can, in the universal language of Hip Hop: That girl is Poison.
It might seem like a good idea to bring her on your side: She’s super famous, she’s a billionaire, she can unhinge her jaw when swallowing cattle- all qualities the COS looks for in a recruit. But take it from someone who has followed Cyrus’s career: She is to be avoided at all costs. Do not, I repeat, do not let her gain access to the giant Church of Scientology Helicarrier. (Do you guys have a Helicarrier? I get COS and S.H.I.E.L.D. confused a lot.)
She’s just a big void, Scientology, sucking up everything around her out of existence. She’s like a grinning, shrieking black hole with enormous teeth, and I’d hate to see her swallow your entire organization whole. I know this because, once upon a time, I spent a great deal of time with Cyrus. Not romantically, of course, Cyrus is not my type. I like my women like I like my cars: Fast, Red-headed and willing to sleep in my garage. (Note: This metaphor suffers due to the current unavailability of cars with red hair. Get on it, Nissan.)
I know Miley Cyrus, Scientology, she’s a virus. She’ll take over, rename you guys “The Church of Miley Cyruntology,” bleed your organization dry and leave you for dead when she finds something else to ruin.
Do you want to be extinct, COS? Because, if you let Miley Cyrus join your club, in a few years, you’ll be nothing but a distant memory to some of the older folks, a myth to the younger folks, and a joke to everyone else. It happened to the Dinosaurs, it happened to Ross Perot, and it can happen to you. If you let Montana into your gang, by 2020, all that will be said about the Church of Scientology will be muttered by old, confused homeless men.
“Hey, didn’t there used to be a church that went around cutting people’s heads off the gain their powers and courage?” (Do Scientologists follow Highlander rules? Isn’t that your main thing?)
Listen to me, Church of Scientology. I can’t watch something I care about ruined by Miley Cyrus. Not…not again…
Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judge Dredd,
-DOB
Last 5 posts by Daniel O'Brien
- More Like WebLAME Awards. WebSTUPID Awards. For JERKS. - January 9th, 2009
- 'Watchmen' Fan Cordially Invites Fox to Eat Several Dicks - December 26th, 2008
- Letters From Santa - December 19th, 2008
- 'Twas the Night Before Christmas 2: Christmasturbation - December 12th, 2008
- The X Most Blankiest Somethings in the History of Whatever - December 5th, 2008
August 15th, 2008 at 10:29 am
I swear I saw an ad for the Church Of Scientology Video Channel “Get The Facts” on Cracked.com… I am hurt, bewildered, but mostly concerned
June 18th, 2008 at 9:22 am
You are hysterical I wish you would post every hour, i just read all of your entries, or articles, or diatribes or whatever the hell they are called and laughed my ass off
thanks
June 17th, 2008 at 3:05 am
you will all burn in scientology hell, mark my words….. (no disrecpect intended).
June 15th, 2008 at 10:30 am
It’s just the typical misinformation and bullshit with you isn’t it? Ever try doing a little research before criticising Scientology? Scientologists rarely drink blood anymore, it’s largely a ceremonial thing and most orgs are trying to phase it out.
June 14th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
It’s too bad I’m not willing to sleep in your garage.
shayn n. <–afraid of spiders
June 14th, 2008 at 6:11 am
Back to the guitar strings, GHS Boomers are the best if you change strings frequently! ROCK ON!
June 14th, 2008 at 1:35 am
Sometimes in the middle of reading articles like this and experimenting with various-sized vegetables (right now squashes are my favorite.. something about the shape) I wonder how the hell I stumbled on this place. Is it possible that Cracked uses a hidden brain-washing technique on its readers that leaves me snorting in mirth at mentions of maimed puppies with pickles shooting out my ass?? Because you know, ordinarily its not pickles. No sir.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Clint: Chimchar is. I also heard that pikachu doesn’t hang out with him anymore.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
on the red headed car metaphor, you can always refer to a car with red carpeting and i think most ppl would catch the meaning
June 13th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Someone(s?) made DOB uncomfortable. Whoever did so should feel proud.
June 13th, 2008 at 10:39 am
[...] Should Be Scared? « Sharon Stone Is A Hateful Witch (And A Video Of Old Men Waving) An Open Letter to Scientology Regarding the Evils of Miley Cyrus » Scientology Wants Miley Cyrus: So Which Should Be Scared? by Michael Swaim digg_url = [...]
June 13th, 2008 at 10:27 am
[...] Of Scientology « Sharon Stone Is A Hateful Witch (And A Video Of Old Men Waving) An Open Letter to Scientology Regarding the Evils of Miley Cyrus » An Open Letter To Miley Cyrus Regarding The Evils Of Scientology by Jack digg_url = [...]
June 13th, 2008 at 9:59 am
[...] Of Scientology « Sharon Stone Is A Hateful Witch (And A Video Of Old Men Waving) An Open Letter to Scientology Regarding the Evils of Miley Cyrus » An Open Letter To Miley Cyrus Regarding The Evils Of Scientology by Michael [...]
June 6th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
I have viewed many sexy and hot videos and photos at a celebrities singles dating club———- Mixedmingle.com——— where many fans and stars can chat together. And there are many black and white singles who are seeking for ideal match seriously there.
June 6th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
[...] early interest in Spider-Man that grew into an obsession, and finally, a career. (It was recently announced that I will be replacing Tobey Maguire in the next installment of Spider-Man due out May [...]
June 2nd, 2008 at 11:01 pm
OMG! I found so many hot sexy vids @@P l u s M e e t . c o m, where so many big boob women, big booty women and big handsome men mingle together! You can also chat with the vid owner and view their blogs!
June 2nd, 2008 at 6:03 pm
hmmm … I’m surprised gladstone himself hasn’t weighed in. I mean I know it’s long and all, but it involves his two favorite topics: Jews and people talking about gladstone in the comments section of the cracked blog!
June 2nd, 2008 at 5:42 pm
Meshuggah
June 2nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
You can’t anymore, but that’s where they used to hold all the battles. It was the proper place for a showdown (except on the sabbath or high holy days - this one time jacob came in on yom kippur and was just beheading right and left, it was a such a -insert yiddish word here-). To this day they still hold ritual battles at the western wall.
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Neil, there can only be one. Sure, but will that one ever call his mother?
Does that specifically mean you can’t duel (comedically, or with swords) in synagogues, but other holy grounds are okay?
June 2nd, 2008 at 2:44 am
@ilu DOB says - Jewish people are the highlander, but we don’t gain strength and courage. We gain funniness. Think about it! Why are there so few Jews, yet such a high percentage of comedians and comedy writers are Jewish? It’s because they increased their powers by beheading other Jews. Why else would anyone ever listen to Rob Reiner? They know he has beheaded before and will again, but he’s all humanitarian now and will only do it when he feels threatened or scared. Name me one comedy that has come out ever without any Jews in it or writing it. TV or movie. Can’t do it can ya? Now let’s look at another facet of society, let’s just pick one at random shall we? Professional Sports. Can you name me a professional sports team without any Jews on it? You bet your ass you can. The best thing we’ve got going for us in football is Jay Fiedler for chrissakes. Agents, lawyers, GMs, spokespeople, owners, and members of the front office don’t count as being part of the team (neither do the announcers and other members of the media covering the team). Even our very own Gladstone has beheaded a few of his circumcised brethren. Obviously not very many as he is at cracked.com doing hate by numbers and isn’t starring in Pineapple Express or any other Judd Apatow productions (he’s not even in adam sandler and mike myers latest attempts to convince us that they’re somehow still worth the money they manage to pull in making unfunny after unfunny movie with the same tired jokes - the powers fade with time, people - you need to refill your beheadings - recent gladstone post particularly funny? Well, now you know what he just did the night before). People have been itching to get at mel brooks and woody allen for years. Legend has it that if you conquer them, all others will fall before you. They have top notch security and top notch skills. You’d have to catch them truly off guard to even have a chance. Fortunately for us not many 14 year old asian girls happen to Jewish. (some one check magibon, please!) And so ends my dissertation on why Jews are Highlander. Thank you.
June 1st, 2008 at 11:52 pm
@DOB: agreed, my dick is sore now.
@Assgoblin: Whew! Now I don’t feel quite so bad for treating them as such.
MBS, I’ve been using D’addario’s forever, but a friend recently told me to try a set of Reinforced Boomers since I’m a little crazy with the whammy bar. Said they’re a little cheaper and pretty strong; he swears by ‘em. Of course, he’s an asshole (obviously, or he wouldn’t be my friend). If I decide to try a set, I’ll let you know.
June 1st, 2008 at 10:12 pm
J-pappi, I agree, D’addirios are getting a little pricey. But for now I refuse to use anything thing less, the EB Slinkey g string just seems to break to easy.
Whats your take on GHS?
June 1st, 2008 at 9:20 pm
Damn you and your faulty HTML tags!
June 1st, 2008 at 9:19 pm
“Strangers, people you don’t even know, will say “Blah blah blah, Scientology is crazy!” for a cheap laugh, and it’ll work, too. Because it’s [i]trendy[/i].”
I believe the word you’re looking for there is ‘[i]true[/]‘.
June 1st, 2008 at 9:09 pm
@J-Pappi: Swedish women do put out as much as any other. But that’s only to sucker you into a relationship. Single women are whores.
June 1st, 2008 at 8:45 pm
What an uncomfortable series of comments…
June 1st, 2008 at 8:13 pm
Dennis, that’s a dead link and that’s just wrong to do in these circumstances. I had to make up my own idea of what the outfit was with her in it and then spank away. And oh, my, was it a bad monkey. BAD MONKEY! SPANK IT HARDER! YES! (eyes roll back in head like a Great White shark about to clamp down on a piece of horsemeat) GYYAAAARRRGHHH!!!
@Kingmonkey…different monkey, dude. No offense.
June 1st, 2008 at 7:19 pm
I would so boink M. Cyrus. No way she is 15 years old. I think Billy Ray changed her birth certificate so that she could make a little extra dough while appealing to the teenie boppers. I can’t wait to see her in this outfit.
June 1st, 2008 at 7:01 pm
Kellee, that sounds like a perfect lead in to a douche commercial.
“You know when your ovaries are so clogged up with fetal tissue from repeated abortions before you’re even completely sexually mature and your horomones aren’t countering it the right way? Sometimes you get that feeling that’s just not…fresh. (cut to shot of her snuggling up under Billy ray on the couch in a trailer) So when I want to get that “fresh” feeling so daddy doesn’t slap me around for having a smelly cooch I use the only brand my momma used: That’s right, whatever was on sale at the dollar store. Stop, daddy; you’re crushing my cigarettes!”
June 1st, 2008 at 5:51 pm
“I told my mom, ‘I’m not buying another magazine until I can get past this thought of looking like the girl on the cover.’ She said, ‘Miley you are that girl, and I was like, ‘I know, but I don’t feel like that girl every day.’ You can’t always feel perfect.”
–Miley Cyrus to “InStyle”
http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20201519,00.html
June 1st, 2008 at 5:21 pm
Doesn’t Judge Death usually handle the mercilous killing in the name of justice?
June 1st, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Now, if Scientolofy and Milley Cirus went together, Judge Dredd could judge them in one swift blow. He did some amazing stuff, defeated unnatural monsters more times than he killed muggers, has killed more than 1 billion (or is it 0,5 billion) people, looks cool.
Crime: Heathen-ess and snakemonster-ness. Punishment: Death.
June 1st, 2008 at 12:12 pm
Yes . . . . . . . it’s all part of my master plan! I’ll mail you some. Some reassembly required.
“Everything goes better with dead hookers!”
June 1st, 2008 at 10:50 am
Res_Ipsa, are those the same hookers that end up dead in the swimming pool? I think I see a pattern developing here. Share the wealth, man.
June 1st, 2008 at 10:16 am
@Assgoblin: I just looked up “girlfriend” in the dictionary, and it seems that I got it confused with “hookers I keep locked up in my basement.” Well . . . damn.
@glendoor42: You’re very lucky to not have a girlfriend who withholds sex from you as a punishment for making her mad. Hell, she’s right here, and I’m now very, very frightened.
And what’s wrong with prison sex?!
Someone hand me a shovel, here.
June 1st, 2008 at 6:11 am
@Assgoblin, I thought you were from Sweden, man! How the hell can you be in Sweden and not be gobblin’ some ass every day? The images of chicks we get over here from there must be out of proportion. Or are they just hot-looking but frigid? Half of us are over here jerking off about a buck-toothed 15 year old redneck chick who can’t sing, for christ’s sake; please don’t tell us Swedish chicks don’t put out!
MBS, my bad, dude; I thought everyone knew the “secret source” of the power of my world renowned cake. You forgot to wash your hands afterwards and got “icing” on my guitar strings, though, so we’re even. Fucking D’Addario’s aren’t cheap these days with gas the way it is, and all.
June 1st, 2008 at 3:17 am
“I Am The Law!!”
June 1st, 2008 at 1:52 am
Fantastic.
June 1st, 2008 at 1:26 am
“No girlfriend has sex with their boyfriend everyday. ”
Speak for yourself dude, and I ain’t even talking about prison sex.
May 31st, 2008 at 10:59 pm
Res_Ipsa: I believe you. No girlfriend has sex with their boyfriend everyday. Women are evil and incapable of being horny.
May 31st, 2008 at 9:37 pm
Hello Mr. Daniel O’Brien,
I am an avid reader of anything related to “That Bitch Who Plays Hannah Montana” and I think it is a great way to improve the moral fiber of your Cracked blogs. I only have one humble request and that request is to maybe invest some time into thinking about how horrible the waste of space evil spawn of fucking Ryan Seacrest “Kim Kardashian” is. I’m not sure why no one has picked up on the clusterfuck her family is but I assure you that if a slag rag like Kim Kardashian got a Wiki page and you didn’t then something should be done. I heard she lives in Calabassas, that might be a starting point.
Thank you for your time,
Kellee J.
P.S.
Hannah Montana wipes back to front.
May 31st, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Lord Monkeyton–I thought it was DC-10s that brought them here? HERETIC! Burn him at http://www.berrypickingwhilstfelchingfetish.com I hear it’s a funny place to burn heretics and find true love at the same time.
DOB, I think you should re-team-up with Gladstone and hunt down spammers.
May 31st, 2008 at 7:50 pm
Have you ever found true love at http://www.muslimloving.com ? It is a interesting and funny place to singles who are seeking for true love and friends online.
May 31st, 2008 at 5:15 pm
… J-papi, remind me to never eat cake at your house again… (cries silently)
May 31st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Miley Cyrus unhinging her jaw, an olympic swimming pool of dead hookers, a nice little red-haired landing patch on the back end of my silver Acura…I threw in images of holocaust victims being bulldozed into ditches at the last second while auto-asphyxiating myself and practically frosted an entire red velvet cake with my skeet from halfway across the room. My ball sack looks like the prunes Wilford Brimley puts on his oatmeal every morning now. Fucking sweet.
May 31st, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I wonder when they’re going to lock Billy Ray’s Biographicon page. It’s starting to look like they really should.
May 31st, 2008 at 11:00 am
DOB, CA, Max Fightmaster, and Kabukiyouthcrew: You’re all half right and yet, totally wrong. Pokemon is a complex, beautiful metaphore for Scientology; as Epic of Gilgemesh is to flaming gay sex and anal fisting is to emotional intamacy in Tool’s epic ballad, “Stinkfist.” Let me enlighten you all. Ash and his loveable crew clearly represent the forces of COS, as they capture pokemon/thetan-infected-people and put them in their pokeballs/rigid-mind-control-regiment until they force them to fight anyone that challenges them. Despite Ash/COS’s efforts to try and help the world, they remain misunderstood outcasts from general society. And team rocket represents the majority of cracked.com: a bunch of theaten infested, red-haired women/cat fuckers who actively oppose COS and its good deeds. (Oh, and their symbol is a rocket, like the b52 spaceships that brought those thetans to our planet).
May 31st, 2008 at 10:59 am
There can be only one!!! And we better not let that one be Cyrus!!!
May 31st, 2008 at 10:39 am
What’s wrong with Sentras man? I’ve only known a few of them but they were all like total sluts.
May 31st, 2008 at 12:12 am
Is that your ‘97 Nissan Sentra? You put read hair… on a Sentra?
May 30th, 2008 at 11:12 pm
assgoblin’s comments really disturb me.
good job!
May 30th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
He wasn’t part of it anyway? For shame!
Erm . . . for the record, I most certainly do not shout out “DOB’s abs!” when I climax thus causing my girlfriend to give me a disgusted look and punch me in the face . . . every day . . . nope. Totally don’t.
May 30th, 2008 at 10:57 pm
Sometimes I tie her up, read your post and get back to it. You’re becoming part of my sex life.
May 30th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
You obviously threw this together in only a few hours after Swaims post. And even if you didn’t, even if you did spend all week thinking up ways to be hilarious, why do you keep posting it on fridays. I live in Sweden, man! As if that isn’t bad enough, I have to sit and update cracked all friday afternoon because I don’t know what time of day your posts are usually posted. So I sit there all afternoon at work and after work (i work at a computer and I spend my free time at a computer so my back is a mess) and just wait and press F5 like a robot. But it doesn’t matter! Some douchebag friend always calls me and wants me to come out and be social and thus I am torn between the choice of going outside and potentially have sex with a slut who’s willing to be tied up and degraded the way I like it and waiting for your post. Naturally, your post will be here when I get back and if I were to wait for it it would only be about five minutes of entertainment while a night drinking and frolicking about with my friend woulld be awesome for hours, you could still fucking post on a goddamn thursday, asshole!
May 30th, 2008 at 10:38 pm
For a second I thought this had the same title as the other one. All I can say DOB is you own. Perhaps you should take a week of and let your abs do the bloging.
May 30th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
I’m pretty sure Scientology is a Pokemon. There’s like a million Pokemon now, so that must be true by sheer statistics.
May 30th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
That was like reading poetry. In Sanskrit, which makes it more beautiful than an Olympic swimming pool filled with dead hookers–if that’s even possible. What if Miley and Tom Cruise had a demonspawn? What if DOB’s abs and Judge Dredd procreated? What if the two offspring fought it out in a doomsday scenario where only pet dogs named Marmaduke and Gladstone survived? Thanks a lot, DOB. These questions will keep me up at night. I raise my fermented beverage (fermented baby spit, if you must ask) in a toast to you. Now excuse me whilst I go watch Battlefield Earth, vomit copiously, and hand out the results to orphaned crack-babies.
May 30th, 2008 at 7:25 pm
Wow…There are no limits to DOB’s sarcasm.. !! oOo!!
May 30th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
scientology: gotta catch ‘em all!
May 30th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
Nice, but the best part was:
“Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judge Dredd”
The motto that I live by. I’m happy someone finally realizes that the “Thou shalt not judge” has no meaning when it comes to Dredd.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Wait, I thought Pokemon WAS a Scientologist. I’m so confused.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Fuck that bitch, not literally though.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Ummm…There are cars with red heads. Ferraris. Testa Rossa is actually I-talian for “redhead”, or for “goddamned expensive”, I forget which. So you’re lucky there, Dan, because what’s a highly-paid Internets comic writer to spend his embarrassingly huge piles of cash on, if not fast I-talian sports cars?
May 30th, 2008 at 3:48 pm
Not only will it be the Voltron of pure evil, kingmonkey, it will swallow us all…
Because that bitch can unhinge her jaw.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Do you suppose the two powers, Scientology and Mileytology, will cancel each other out in one great flaming evil flash of evil, or will they combine into one evil new, super-evil, like a Voltron of evil?
Evil! Yeah!
May 30th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
HEY!!! I voted for Ross Perot, TWICE!!!!!
good article Dan, but just out of curiosity were you also masturbating when you wrote this?
May 30th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Also, second.
May 30th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
I’m pretty sure jewish people are the highlander guys, DOB.
May 30th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
i don’t care what you say
First.