You almost certainly know who I am. I'm taking over as the host of Late Night once Conan leaves, I'm probably going to play Peter Parker/Spider-man in the next few Spider-Man films, and my abdominal muscles are visible from space. What you probably don't know, is that I also write for the Internet. And I don't blame you for not knowing that. The company I keep has given you somewhat of an unfair treatment. I run with the crowd that's made childish, unflattering videos about you, so if you avoided the entire Cracked scene because of a few bad apples, (a few, pornography-loving, puppy-raping apples), I wouldn't blame you at all.
But I want you to know now, that I'm not like the others on this blog. I'm not here to attack you. Look, I know how this society gets. You're just a religion, trying to get by, and this society has turned you into a punchline. Strangers, people you don't even know, will say "Blah blah blah, Scientology is crazy!" for a cheap laugh, and it'll work, too. Because it's trendy. People laugh at the mere mention of your name, they'll never take your organization seriously and they attack your founder and you know what? They don't even know the first thing about you. They just think "Hey, popular pillars of comedy like The Daily Show and SNL and Cracked all make fun of Scientology, so I'm gonna do it too, haw haw haw!"
But that isn't fair to you. I know that, for better or worse, the Church of Scientology helps people. You've made some wrong turns and said some foolish things. Some of your methods, I'll admit, are questionable. But you know what I see when I look at COS? An organization that a select group of people truly believe in. An organization that makes people happy. No matter what else happens, at the end of the day, people need the COS to get by because it helps them.
And shouldn't that be enough?
I'm telling you this because I don't want you to throw me in with the rest of the Cracked crowd, because I need you to listen to me. I need you to listen hard. I need you to listen like you've never listened before, COS. Listen like I'm spitting Thetans right out of my mouth. (And you need to collect all of the Thetans so you can be Thetan master, right? Is that what you do? I can never tell which is Scientology and which is Pokemon.)
You can look at my history. I've never really been one to get in your way, COS. I don't know what you do, and I don't particularly care. I'm not one to judge, COS, it just isn't my place. After all, according to my personal beliefs, there is but one true Judge, and He will judge us all fairly when the time is right.
So, you can do whatever you want, COS, but, just this once, I've got to warn you- Stay away from Miley Cyrus. I heard that one of your high priests, John Travolta, was trying to recruit Miley Cyrus and I'm telling you to back off because I don't want to see your operation ruined. You guys really, (really) don't need any more bad press.
I don't even know why you'd want her in the first place. Maybe it's because your last tiny celebrity went a little too nuts, and you need a brand new tiny celebrity to be your poster child. Maybe you want some young blood in your organization, or just blood in general. (Do you guys drink blood? I think I read an interview somewhere that said Scientologists were vampires. Again, not judging.)
Maybe you're trying to recruit her because just didn't know who Miley Cyrus was, which is understandable. I know that, for a long time, I didn't know who or what she was. I just heard the words "Hannah Montana" thrown around at various middle schools I used to hang around and had no idea what anyone was talking about. I felt totally out of the loop. Up until about six weeks ago, I thought "Hannah Montana" was either a magazine or some kind of hat.
Well, COS, she's not a magazine, and she's not a hat. I'm going to say it once, and I'm going to say it to you the only way I can, in the universal language of Hip Hop: That girl is Poison.
It might seem like a good idea to bring her on your side: She's super famous, she's a billionaire, she can unhinge her jaw when swallowing cattle- all qualities the COS looks for in a recruit. But take it from someone who has followed Cyrus's career: She is to be avoided at all costs. Do not, I repeat, do not let her gain access to the giant Church of Scientology Helicarrier. (Do you guys have a Helicarrier? I get COS and S.H.I.E.L.D. confused a lot.)
She's just a big void, Scientology, sucking up everything around her out of existence. She's like a grinning, shrieking black hole with enormous teeth, and I'd hate to see her swallow your entire organization whole. I know this because, once upon a time, I spent a great deal of time with Cyrus. Not romantically, of course, Cyrus is not my type. I like my women like I like my cars: Fast, Red-headed and willing to sleep in my garage. (Note: This metaphor suffers due to the current unavailability of cars with red hair. Get on it, Nissan.)
I know Miley Cyrus, Scientology, she's a virus. She'll take over, rename you guys "The Church of Miley Cyruntology," bleed your organization dry and leave you for dead when she finds something else to ruin.
Do you want to be extinct, COS? Because, if you let Miley Cyrus join your club, in a few years, you'll be nothing but a distant memory to some of the older folks, a myth to the younger folks, and a joke to everyone else. It happened to the Dinosaurs, it happened to Ross Perot, and it can happen to you. If you let Montana into your gang, by 2020, all that will be said about the Church of Scientology will be muttered by old, confused homeless men.
"Hey, didn't there used to be a church that went around cutting people's heads off the gain their powers and courage?" (Do Scientologists follow Highlander rules? Isn't that your main thing?)
Listen to me, Church of Scientology. I can't watch something I care about ruined by Miley Cyrus. Not...not again...
Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judge Dredd,