With all respect and praise to our beloved Father, the dignified and beautiful leader of the people, our cherished Madiba President Nelson Mandela:
We write your eminence with humble deference to the blessings you have brought and continue to bring to the cause of equality throughout the world, and in the desire to shield your admired status from damage. That is why we, the South African people, feel for the first time that we must ask: what the fuck, guy?
You may wonder how we could take such a tone with your excellence. Let us assure you that just last week we would not think of doing so. But if our news outlets are correct, then it appears that your upcoming 90th birthday celebration will feature the “talents” of both hiphop artist Eminem and general plague The Spice Girls. So we ask again: what the fuck?
Perhaps you thought we would not know. Perhaps you hoped that hardships in our recent history would prevent us from exposure to such people. But we assure you, Mr. Mandela, that we all heard “Stan,” we all liked Dido’s version better, and we all retched at the utter nonsense of the phrase “Zigga Zigga Ah.”
Please, we beg of you, do not invite these elements into our country, and so soon after we threw off the yoke of oppression. You threaten us today with a new yoke, Mr. Mandela: the yoke of utterly shitty music.
We must ask: how can you find the works of these people a fitting tribute to your life of service? You once said that you “cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities.” Such words lifted us up from the depths of degradation. Eminem once said “I’m-a pull you to this bullet and put it through you…just bend over and take it slut, okay Ma?”
In case you are unfamiliar with American hiphop slang, we should let you know that he is there expressing the intention of raping his mother with a bullet. You…you understand this, yes? Because we want to make sure, in case you misinterpreted that lyric as an interesting take on the effect of globalization on race relations. Just because he played with Elton John doesn’t make him any less of a misogynist or general cock ring.
We should also like to remind you of your inauguration, when you told us that you were a “humble servant of the people,” and that you “placed the remaining years of your life in our hands.” Perhaps you did not expect to live as long as you have, Mr. Mandela, but nevertheless we find it unseemly that you should try and back out of the deal now. You gave us all of your remaining years, and we certainly aren’t going to spend those years suffering under an AIDS epidemic while a woman named “Posh” rubs her fat white butt on your lap.
We hope that these oversights are merely the result of some late onset senility, an unfortunate fact of advanced age. If this is the case, then this can all be easily remedied. We beg of you, Mr. Mandela, focus your clearly ailing mind long enough to get on the phone and cancel your birthday concert.
In fact, you should probably ban Eminem and The Spice Girls from entering the country, in case you have a lapse later and forget our letter (A helpful hint: Eminem also goes by the name “Slim Shady.” Don’t be fooled.)
If you would still like to have a concert on your birthday, there are plenty of acts you could choose that would not so deeply offend and invalidate everything you stand for. Some white supremacists, for example. We kid, Mr. Mandela. Are you still with us? Our point is simple: do not allow these acts to disgrace your legacy.
We appreciate your ongoing commitment to color blindness and all, but if you’re going to get a hiphop artist, did you have to get the only white one? And don’t act like you didn’t notice; about half his songs are about it. It’s not that we hate white Americans, Mr. Mandela; it’s just that we wouldn’t want to run into one in the street on a dark night.
Look, if you’ve got to have hiphop, we don’t want to deny you that. We hear Kanye’s down with the whole African thing, and Talib Kweli’s probably free. Or if you’re feeling more flexible, may we suggest a little Ladysmith Black Mambazo?
In any case, the important thing here is to retain your integrity and grace, and not to let the phrase “grrl power” sully your holy ears. And just in case your eyesight isn’t what it used to be, we leave you with this message from your loving people:
EMINEM IS A TOOLBAG AND THE SPICE GIRLS ARE BLEACHED LEATHERY HAGS. HAVING THEM PLAY MUSIC TO CELEBRATE YOUR LIFE IS LIKE DRAWING A BIG FLOPPY DICK ON THE MONA LISA.
With eternal reverence,
The South African People.
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael impersonates large groups of blacks as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, April 16th, 2008 at 8:00 am and is filed under Eminem, Music, Nelson Mandela, South Africa, The Spice Girls. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 26th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Hahahaha!! As a South African myself I’d like to congratulate you on this article as well as direct all my spite and abhorrence of the human race towards Terry (silly cow posting below me).
I love and respect Mandela but this article was great.. My only suggestion would be to maybe add a suggestion of your own that maybe - with a thriving and growing music industry - we should have far more local artists involved in our celebrations instead of paying ridiculous amounts of money on shipping in artists that are clearly waaaay past their prime..
Thanks
August 24th, 2009 at 5:48 am
niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
August 8th, 2009 at 12:57 am
Dear Terry,
As Leela said, welcome to the internet. Nothing is sacred here. NOTHING. Every funny thing in the world is offensive to at least one person. Also, of course it is undignified. This is the internet. And it only goes downhill from here.
August 4th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Terry - Welcome to the internet.
Cracked is comedy website, and this article is clearly meant to be taken humorously.
Please pull the giant Baby Jesus buttplug out of your ass and chill the fuck out.
July 14th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
Just who do you think YOU are? how dare you write this atrocious article in the name of the South African People, and address Mr Mandela in such a vulgar and disrespectful way?
Furthermore, you lay bare you idiocy for all the world to see. Do you really think that Nelson Mandela himself invites artists to perform? please. Other people do these things. The foundation that bears his name organises concerts and invites performers who they feel exemplify the spirit of freedom.
I happen to agree with you on the Eminem issue, but like it or not, he represents freedom of speech, of expression, and indirectly, the freedom of the media, and freedom to be who and what you feel you are, or whatever it is you desire, under the law.
Of course, this means you are free to write what and how you like, but this utterly undignified address to Mr Mandela betrays your lack of understanding of just how great this man really is, and your TOTAL lack of common decency. Perhaps its true then that decency isnt all that common. But you certainly are.
May 28th, 2009 at 4:55 am
I saw some comments about Christian rappers. KJ-52 is kinda whack. Instead, check out Lecrae, Tedashi, Trip Lee, and Flame if that’s what you’re into.
May 16th, 2009 at 9:14 am
My god rap is some awful shit.
So is whatever the Spice Girls sing.
Pop?
May 13th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
/sigh
April 8th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
hahahaha the spice girls? really? that sucks. Sorry south africa. Blame britan.
and m&m? holy sh*t balls! why that stupid phuck?
I hear ppl defend him with the “well, hes actually rapping about something. hes not into bling and hoes like the rest of them” statement.
so what was he rapping about?
“im sad, all i really want is love you f**kers”
All that boy ever talked about was: how bad mom was to me….how shitty of a girlfriend i have…wait, dont have….wait, want back….no, no, i Have her again……wait…….
and the occasional drug use…with a little homophobia thrown in. you know, to give it that ever lasting luster like of refinished titanium.
Anyway, just cause hes wasnt ‘rapping’ about the regular BS doesnt make his BS any more exceptable.
Now he did have some skill…ill give you that.
But so does my sisters left nut
(and yes, i mean my SISTERS left nut. that nonexistent one next door to the right nut…)
January 5th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
You know who should play at his 91st birthday?
Joe Cotten.
I just heard of him like an hour ago, mind you, and I’ve only heard five of his songs. But I’m flying high on a cloud of rock right now, rock like I didn’t think survived Cobain’s death, and I’m just saying:
Hire Joe Cotten for Mandela’s birthday.
Hire Joe Cotten for ALL the birthdays.
Oh yeah, the Spice Girls suck.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:40 am
Dr. Dre is God and Eminem is his son
October 6th, 2008 at 4:35 am
i totally love eminem’s music, but i still agree YTF is he performing w/ the spice girls then??? i mean, get like a jamaican rapper (like kardinal offishall or something, preferably someone w/ a less gay name, but whatever), not a white guy and some white females. and it totally disgraces eminem to be performing on the same stage or wherever w/ the bleeding spice girls. WTF.
but seriously, eminem is an excellent rapper, one of the few left today where rap is mostly bout “bitches, bling, and cars w/ rims”. ‘course he has quite a few songs bout that crap, but only to fill up an album and sell yknow.
(and stan sucked!)
September 30th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Dude… I’m South African… I DON’T GIVE a fuck any more…
just gimme a belt of ammo and an excuse and I’ll make SURE the government change is PERMENANET..
September 28th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
‘pull you to this bullet and pull it and put it thru you’ well the writer cant hate eminem dat much for knowing his lyrics ~~tchuh
July 13th, 2008 at 5:03 am
Actually, if you study The Slim Shady LP and The Marshall Mathers LP really hard, it turns out that Eminem sucks and is a total coward.
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June 15th, 2008 at 11:59 am
Eminem has been one of the best artists of the last 10 years. He avoids all that bling and hoes bullshit like those other rappers and puts a lot of emotion and effort into his lyrics.
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May 19th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
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May 3rd, 2008 at 1:14 pm
The Spice Girls are ‘en vogue’ at the moment, and are a selling point.
I am intending to purchase tickets specifically to see the Spice Girls.
I hope no one will be precious about the intention of Mandela to include the Spice Girls, because when all is said and done, the money of a Spice Girls fan is worth as much as the money of a Kanye fan and so on.
We must be united in the battle against AIDS, not divided along grounds of musical preference.
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April 26th, 2008 at 5:57 pm
Saying Eminem is the best rapper ever is like saying a lump of crap is the best peice of excrement ever.
April 26th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr….
i am not even a little bit of a fan of spice grrls
but eminem=racist?
u ppl must be joking!
he
is
a
ledgend
best rapper to ever live
EVER
and he’s superman!
April 24th, 2008 at 10:25 am
As just one more South African reader, I too thank you. And Wyrd is completely correct. (Although the correct translation is “the smart people are playing here”.) fok-die-lot-fan-julle is a moron, and deserves to listen to Eminem and The Spice Girls on repeat for all eternity.
April 24th, 2008 at 9:44 am
Ladysmith and Johnny Clegg are awesome, but Mandela’s probably sick of them by now. Let the man have what he likes, he’s 90 years old and a beacon of justice and equality.
Now if he could only do something about the damage caused by Mbeki’s AIDS policy.
April 22nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
I must still be really immature because that Eminiem music video still makes me giggle, and I’m not even in Middle School anymore.
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:07 am
Translation:
“Fokkof, die slim mense speel hier.”
is Afrikaans for:
“F*ck off, the smart people play here.”
(”die” is Afrikaans for “the”)
April 22nd, 2008 at 8:04 am
Swaim - As another concerned South African citizen, I thnak you for giving us a voice when we, collectively, don’t have one.
However, I must side with Adam G - The concert will be held in Hyde Park, London. So instead of choosing whether or not we’re happy with the artist line-up, we DON’T EVEN GET TO SEE THE FUCKING THING.
Except on the tv, of course.
April 19th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Since when is Eminem not cool or racist? He’s one of the few modern rappers that sounds honest; good at both the happy (i.e. Without Me) and the sad/angry (i.e Toy Soldiers). He’s never racist. Homophobic maybe, but not racist. Practically all of his associates are black. And if you notice some of his song is anti-violence and mocks the people this website is mastubatorily fond of hating (Dick Cheney and wife, Moby, the FCC).
As for the spice girls? Mandela likes tits. That is all.
April 18th, 2008 at 9:02 am
What, that’s not allowed? Sums up my feelings beautifully though.
April 18th, 2008 at 7:46 am
Did– did Wyrm just tell someone to fuck off and die?
“Fokkof, die…”
April 18th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Really ‘fok-die-lot-fan-julle’ (note spelling)? Seriously? Good God. This is an American humor website and you still manage to make this a soap box for your backwards boer racism. If not for Nelson Mandela you would probably fighting in the front lines of the there-but-for-grace-of-god South African civil war.
Jou dom fok. En dan kan jy nie eers spel nie. Fokkof, die slim mense speel hier.
April 17th, 2008 at 8:30 pm
Maybe Nelson is planning on finishing off Eminem for the good of the world or something?
April 17th, 2008 at 7:36 am
Where the hell does this Eminem is racist shit come from?
April 17th, 2008 at 2:10 am
Swaim, as a South African I feel I must thank you for putting into words what we were all thinking and feeling deep within our hearts. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The good news, however, is that the concert won’t be happening here in SA but will be taking place in England. I’m not entirely sure why, but I am truly grateful.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:08 am
I think I should also point out that Eminem is a superhero: http://youtube.com/watch?v=s1if9kLJpWw
April 16th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
Wannabe is one of the finest pop songs ever written and Hailie’s Song is wonderful.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Pretoria, you retard. PRETORIA. As in one of the three capital cities of South Africa, not the country that Peter Griffin made up. Good Lord.
Swaim, beautiful blog. Your work as an intermediary for the South African people during this troubling time in their nation’s history should win you a Nobel Peace Prize.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
What about Michael Jackson ? Dubai won’t let him move back and Neverland Ranch is up for sale to avoid foreclosure . Mandella could’ve booked him for the price of a visa.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
Did Johnny Klegg die ?
April 16th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
What, the Fugees were busy that week?
April 16th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Mandela is irrlavant……….he’s the last of the so called “heroes” of the so called liberation…..he truly does not give an fuck who play’s at his birthday cause it has ceased to be about him.AS This is just an nother fucking fundraiser organized by the ANC to raise cash.Fuck them all.
The anc has done wat aparthied never could do…..it’s finally made every one hate one an nother.There so much hate…so much…it become almost painfull to live here…but those the Anc care….No all they want is to enrich themself’s to such an point that they live like god’s……
So Basically FUCK HIM
April 16th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
It’s the daily mail that has headlines like “Tax hikes due to asylum seekers wanting to put us in Europe and steal our freedom”
It’s still my newspaper of choice, though.
I read the daily mirror on the day of the last election, and they, taking a neutral stance, showed a picture of the leader of the conservative party photoshopped to look like a vampire.
Thanks a lot, daily mirror readers…
April 16th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
April 16th, 2008 at 3:49 pm
And then what happened? I want to see that picture, dammit!
April 16th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I forget, is it the Daily Mirror or the Daily Mail the one that just has headlines like ‘Asylum Seekers will kill you’?
I’m pretty sure one of those papers has tits I just can’t remember.
Oh, and I was trying to find the picture of Prince Charles and Nelson Mandela watching the Spice Girls together, just to prove a visual point.
April 16th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
Swaim, you should check out Altar Boyz ‘N Tha Hood for the scene you mentioned. The drive by dowsing with holy water remains one of the most poignant moments in modern cinema (right behind the scene in Revenge of the Nerds where that big jock pees for like 10 minutes straight… that one still moves me to tears).
April 16th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Petoria? I thought Petoria was dissolved as a country when the president of Peroria took over Joe Swanson’s pool.
I just saw a documentary about it on TBS the other night.
April 16th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I’m pretty sure Mandela does know at least who the Spice Women are. There was a famous media….thing back when they were successful where they met him at his home in Pretoria. Also, the Daily Mirror (British newspaper) said that our dear Nelson was ‘eager’ for the spice girls to perform. Of course getting your news from the Daily Mirror is like getting your news from icanhascheezburger.com. Which I do.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
That’s actually the exact video that converted me to Christianity.
Then after the girl that showed it to me still wouldn’t sleep with me, I reverted back to hating God.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Yo Yo, check out my Precha taking on Eminem (also known as Slim shady, dont be fooled) . Straight spittin the truth.
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=fdadf96152ca6e640806
KJ-52 = God gangsta
You’ve juast been schooled Bob…
April 16th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Dont let the cross and the bible fool you. KJ-52 ,also known as Killed Jews- (52 to be exact) strikes fear in the hearts of you heathins.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
And JT:
http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=cd89661d163ddea3f16f
You’re right, I apologize. I wish I was that gangsta so, so badly.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
ok, question:
- how damaged his brain must have become to
or
- how damaged his brain must be to
which one is correct?
April 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Has anyone blamed the Joooooooooos yet?
April 16th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
That’s just like Swaim to copy and paste something and post it with his name over it.
I KNEW he was Canadian.
April 16th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
KJ-52 is more gansta than you’ll ever be Bob. Respec the flow !!!!
Word to the Trinity !!!
April 16th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Bizarre!!!! All those years of imprisonment - the effects are only just coming out! The poor man! Can you imagine how damaged his brain must have become to combine screechy toneless teenage-oriented pop music with muderous rage-filled rap.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:57 pm
Can you not read? This is a LETTER FROM THE PEOPLE OF SOUTH AFRICA. To suggest that I’m anything but an intermediary is to reveal the deepest ignorance in yourself.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
Swaim, your virulent racism just won’t quit will it? Why must you blame the victim? Well I guess I answered my own question, its because he’s black. Do you really think he chose the performers for his own 90th bday party? That would be like blaming Diana for all the shitty concerts done in her honor. But you won’t do that, will you? nooooooooo because she’s a pretty white lady. I don’t think Nelson Mandela knows who these people are. He’s just going to go to the party and do what all 90 year olds do at their birthdays: sit there and smile and hope no one notices when they poop themselves. For shame, Swaim. Your fear of the power of the black man has gone too far.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:26 pm
Christian rap is mind-blowing to me. I hope they drive around throwing holy water on their enemies.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:21 pm
KJ-52 is responsible for some of the worst music I’ve ever heard. Ever.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
“I like spice girls!!!!Victoria is really sexy and stunning. His husband is TOP 1 candidates in the top 50 men list. What a gorgeous couple! Some of my girlfriends told me that David seemed to appear on a millionaire&celebrity club RICHLOVING.COM before he came to american. ooops, I think almost the hot girls there want to date this handsome soccer player. And maybe it is just a rumor on internet.”
Let’s analyse and correct this.
First of all, the spambot claims to like the spice girls, thus proving that it was programmed in the 1990s by a 12 year old girl from the UK.
Next, it claims that Victoria is “sexy and stunning”, despite having dieted herself down to the figure of a 12 year old with a tapeworm in her gullet, on a diet, in a third world country.
Next, it claims that “his [Victoria's] husband is top one candidates in the top 50 men list”. This is a poor sentance, as it implies that a footballer who is past his prime, who has gone to the USA, a country that cares about as much about football as it cares about electing competent governments [BA-ZING] is the best man in the world. Perhaps he’s Aisa’s favourite man, but then again Aisans spend most of their time getting tentacle raped by pokemon, so we can ignore this.
The next piece claims that Victoria and David are a gourgeous couple, before then claiming that, before David came to “american”, he appeared on [Insertnamehere].com. While his reputation whilst being married isn’t impeccable, I doubt that he needs to resort to dating sites, when all he needs to do toget a girl would be to find one interested in hearing anecdotes about football whilst having lots of money spent on her, and there’s enough people like that in real life.
Finally, it claims that all the hot girls there want to ignore his marriage and date him, before finally conceding that this may, indeed, be naught but a rumour.
Also, nice blog entry.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:30 am
Why the fuck would Nelson Mandela even consider The Spice Girls and Eminem?!? The Spice Girls werent even as good as some of the other untalented, good looking and pre-teen targeting failures. That is pretty shitty because I hate almost all music from 97′- 02′.
Eminem is everything Mandela fought against because he is a mysoginist, bigot, child abuser and agruably racist.
Oh and his music sucks.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:10 am
lol @ JT and petra. That’s who I was referring to. I think I’ll stay out of the tub, but to make you feel better about yourselves: John Reuben (another whitey lol), Cross Movement, GRITS, Yankee Man, Knowdaverbs, Golden Child, Imagine, Supplanta, Urban Disciple, Pigeon John, Liquid, Funky
April 16th, 2008 at 10:51 am
I like spice girls!!!!Victoria is really sexy and stunning. His husband is TOP 1 candidates in the top 50 men list. What a gorgeous couple! Some of my girlfriends told me that David seemed to appear on a millionaire&celebrity club RICHLOVING.COM before he came to american. ooops, I think almost the hot girls there want to date this handsome soccer player. And maybe it is just a rumor on internet.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I’ll have to join you in the tub J.T. because I was going to post the same thing. I brought a ghetto blaster for maximum voltage.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:32 am
But Eminem spreads awareness of the AIDS epidemic! Just look at the song Drips! It’s a warning of the dangers of casual unprotect sex and stds!
Wait a minute…..that wasn’t sarcasm, it actually is.
April 16th, 2008 at 10:14 am
oh and Swaim the phrase is - “Zigga Zig Ah” .
Now if you’ll excuse me I have a date with a toaster in the bathtub…
April 16th, 2008 at 10:13 am
KJ-52 is a Christian rapper.
God I’m pathetic for knowing that…
April 16th, 2008 at 10:04 am
Sorry, Gman, but Posh makes Skeletor look a bit chubby in comparison.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Ginger Spice sang “Happy Birthday” Marilyn Monroe style at Prince Charles’ 50th birthday party. She done that. Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela protect your cock!
April 16th, 2008 at 9:59 am
Eminem is awesome. But Spice Girls? Seriously, WTF was he thinking.
And Eminem isn’t the only white rapper, there are quite a few white Christian rappers out there (stop laughing :P)
April 16th, 2008 at 9:48 am
You know, Gman, you bring up an interesting point, because if she is that thin, it could be considered a mockery of the former conditions of the South Africans
April 16th, 2008 at 9:42 am
Too much Sporty Spice bashing here. She tries so hard. She was in a Belfast CD superstore to sign copies of her new single about two years ago and 12 people showed up. After I heard that (because I wasn’t there you see) I found I could no longer support insults directed at her. It’s like kicking a 2 legged dog. (To clarify, I did not attend her CD signing, her music sucks.)
April 16th, 2008 at 9:35 am
I would like to point out at this juncture that ‘Posh Spice’ is Skeletor thin and so fat butt doesn’t apply.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:34 am
Yeah, Ill take the prison time.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:18 am
I guess Swaim hides his accent really well in all those videos. I would’ve sworn he was at least Canadian.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:04 am
SECOND
April 16th, 2008 at 9:01 am
Would you rather spend TWENTY-SEVEN years in prison or go to this concert?
April 16th, 2008 at 8:40 am
I object to that last statement. They don’t play music… They are “performers” not “musicians.” However, they do suck.