Dear Michael Cera,
Be in the Arrested Development movie. The end. Ron Howard’s called it a lock, Jeffrey Tambor’s promised to force you to do it, and millions of people want to see this movie badly enough that they’re ready for Shia LeBeuof to step in and play your part. Yet you hold out. Why?
Please, for both our sakes, don’t make me come after you. I’m serious about this. And believe me, my vengeance, driven by the collective ire of all the world’s disgruntled Arrested Development fans, will be as swift as it is unmerciful.
Now that I’ve publicly threatened a young man/beloved figure/powerful Hollywood icon, let me back up and tell you all a story. Most of this story is true. If you can guess which parts, then you have a rudimentary understanding of hyperbole.
It begins on the day I first came to Los Angeles to take improv classes. My friends and I ate at the famed Café 101 for lunch before class, both because it was featured in a scene of the movie Swingers and because they have a honey nut milkshake that is so good and wholesome that it will make you blow granola out of your nose and weep golden drops of bee’s milk.
After cleaning up the mess left by our honey nut shakegasms, my friends and I noticed that of all people, Michael Cera was sitting at the very next booth. We later noticed that Gates McFadden (AKA Dr. Beverly Crusher) was seated at a nearby table. But for a few minutes at least, Cera was the coolest person in the perceivable area.
Also, as a side note, this lunch totally blew my expectations of what living in LA was going to be like out of proportion. And despite eating at many cafes, bistros and hot spots since then, I have yet to see anyone nearly as awesome.
But back to Cera. At this time, he was just starting to spread his wings, leaving behind the awkward fawn-like innocence of George Michael Bluth for the stumbling, dew-fresh innocence of Kid From Juno.
Being the friendly, borderline-sociopathic person I am, I stepped up to Cera and asked whether the rumors about an Arrested Development movie were true.
Specifically, I said: “Hey, Mr. Cera, big fan. So sorry to bother you at lunch, but I just thought this was such a great opportunity to tell you how much myself and all AD fans are looking forward to the possible release of a film, if it’s not going to be too much trouble. Sorry again.” I believe I was also bowing at the time, and then I tossed a twenty onto the table for his trouble.
Cera’s reply? Stony silence, followed by an acrid stench I soon realized was the smell of him taking a giant dump in his pants. His pants ballooned, chunky liquid began to drip out of the leg, he lifted half an inch off his seat, and yet still he said nothing. I finally got the hint to leave when he threw a fork at my forehead like a throwing knife.
Eyes welling with tears, I looked back only once, to see Cera and his giggling friends snapping copies of Season 3 Arrested Development DVDs in half with their bare hands.
Needless to say, I was distraught. A bleak depression fell about me that was lifted only hours later, when Gates McFadden agreed to have me beamed up to the actual Enterprise to meet Captain Picard and go penguin clubbing on the holodeck.
Now months have passed, and still Cera greets questions about an AD movie with apathy, chagrin or statements to the affect that he’d shred the script if it came in the mail.
Meanwhile:
Stop it, George Michael.
STOP FUCKING AROUND.
Shoot this movie before you get too old and they have to Benjamin Button your sorry ass.
After all, it’s not like being in an AD movie will get you any more pigeonholed as the cute nervous kid. Look around you: You’re already so deep in a pigeonhole that pigeons are trying to oust you before you can eat their seed stores and then stammer an adorable apology.
If you’re going to be typecast, at least put that clichéd character to use in the service of good. I’m begging you. WE’RE begging you. And if we have to ask again, we’re going to do so all at once. Together. With sticks.
Cheerfully yours,
Michael Swaim
P.S. The Year One looks really good; is Tony Hale in it?
When not correcting the filmic landscape, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 4th, 2009 at 8:00 am and is filed under Arrested Development, Celebrities, Michael Cera, News, TV, canceled shows. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 19th, 2009 at 6:39 pm
“and I’ll be bringing you some salmon rolls right away… Heaven”.
If anyone knows that line and gets my name… they’ll certainly know that I like this article.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:28 am
Michael Cera is such a douche and pisses me off every time i see him, in a movie of course. He should not get the girl, its against nature. When man was just starting to hit each with sticks instead of their own feces I know little douches did not get women. They were clubbed to a pulp and then shit on for old times sake. Plus hes awkwardness isnt funny, at all. He’s more awkward than when Dave Chapelle was a kkk member, which was funny.
And dont get me started on Shia “scrotum sucker” Lefag.
June 25th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Dear Michael,
I am sorry for being such a douchebag at that restauraunt back in December, I was focused on Gates McFadden’s GMILF titties at the time. I am also here to inform you that I have agreed to do the Arrested Development flick at the urging of your fans, particularly the ones who caved in my skull the other night with a tire iron.
Best Wishes,
Michael Cera
June 21st, 2009 at 6:40 pm
YES!
http://www.defamer.com.au/2009/02/bullied_michael_cera_finally_signs_onto_iarrested_developmenti_movie-2/
He gave in! Probably due to the fine Mr Swaim!
May 17th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
What a dumbass, Cera.
SHOOT THE MOVIE.
please please please.
May 7th, 2009 at 3:38 am
If only Arrested Development didn’t suck.
April 17th, 2009 at 7:28 am
I literally can’t comprehend why someone wouldn’t jump at the chance to be PAID to hang around with guys like Will Arnett and David Cross making what is obviously going to be the best movie ever written. The dude is clearly smoking crack, in vast quantities.
Also, to Ryan- people weren’t tuning in because people are morons. And morons tend to prefer reality shows.
March 4th, 2009 at 6:39 am
I think Michael Cera is a lot smarter than people give him credit. His remarks seem more sarcastic and “self” effacing(?), than righteous or smug. Besides, a gig is a gig. Based on everything else he’s been in, if they offer him money, he will probably perform.
Seriously. Think about his other movies. Really think he’s “too good” to play George Michael Bluth?
Hype is hype. Considering that the series was a ratings flop(ie. it was always on the verge of being cancelled), cult status be damned, Hurwitz and Co. NEED to build up any and all anticipation for this occasion. Perhaps “Michael Cera: Will he???” is part of the hype machine.
So, yeah, EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD love’s Arrested Development. So, why wasn’t anyone tuning in?
February 26th, 2009 at 3:14 am
For fuck’s sake, Michael Cera. Just do the movie. I’m not even joking. DO THE FUCKING MOVIE!
February 24th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
Damn Michael Cera. As much as I enjoyed Juno and Nick and Norah’s… I would much appreciate this dude involve himself in the AD film. I met him at a premier of Nick and Norah in Berkley last year and Kat Dennings was hot, he was pretty douchey when people were asking him about the AD movie, as well as when his FUCKING FANS were calling him George Michael. Jeez, he should at least appreciate the fact that his role in AD got him where he is today, not including his online shennanigans.
February 24th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I actually Met Michael Cera with Jason Schwartzman recently when they were parked outside my work and went into the store next door. Jason was super nice - and Michael Cera was a jerk. It was sort of disappointing. Even making allowences for the whole “they’re just people and we’re bothering them” state of mind, he was a jerk, especially compared to how awesome Jason Schwartzman was. And knowing he’s holding up the AD just makes him a bigger jerk. I agree - they should just make the movie without him. David Cross, Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Tony Hale… awesome. Way to get a big head for not really accomplishing all that much yet, Michael Cera.
February 23rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Srsly? You’re holding out on the AD movie because of Michael fucking Cera? as in, the least talented actor in the whole cast playing the least entertaining and most unbearable character in a show otherwise spotless in its brilliance? And you’re halting it because of Michael fucking Cera? fuck you.
I hate shia Labeouf, and I would still not only not care, but even be a little happy that he replaced this asshat. Fuck it, have Stallone play his character, have Dennis Quaid, Sam jackson, Demi Moore, sarah Michelle Geller, Sean connery in full Zardoz gear, Sidney poitier, Heath Ledger’s corpse, Vin Diesel, anyone, we dont care. Just make the fucking movie and forget about the talentless, one-trick pony Michael Cera
February 23rd, 2009 at 7:23 am
Goddammit, Michael Cera!!!
COME ON!
February 20th, 2009 at 11:18 am
To whoever said “there isn’t even a script”, they haven’t been able to put a script together because they don’t know if Cera will do it.
It’s a vicious catch 22, Cera won’t do it without a script, they won’t write a script until they know if Cera will do it.
He’s just being a prissy little star hold out diva cock face.
Fuck him, if he doesn’t do this movie I’ll never watch another film with him.
February 20th, 2009 at 10:57 am
truly one of the least funny “funny” people in quite sometime.
Cera, not Swaim. Swaim is very funny.
Cera wasn’t even that funny on the show. Literally one joke over and again. They should do it without him. Say he died in Car Wreck.
Come on, it could start at his funeral. Gob could hit on Ann, Lindsay will try to cry and not be able to. Just imagine al the Bluths in that situation. I’m not funny enough to come up with enough stuff, but surely mitchell hurwitz is.
February 19th, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Michaek Cera flips out on set of Youth Revolt. It’s worth a watch.
http://gotchamedia.blogspot.com/2009/02/michael-cera-flips-out-on-set-of-youth.html
February 18th, 2009 at 1:19 pm
dude, if they don’t make an AD movie I think my I will cry forever. My boyfriend might kill himself if michael cera doesnt quit making shitty movies.
February 18th, 2009 at 1:54 am
Amazing how some people just dont get Cera, when he says things like, whats AD? and that he didnt like the show, its a joke. Plus in his latest interview he said there isnt even a script. Also, he did http://www.clarkandmichael.com/ which is funny enough that he doesnt need to make anything else his whole life.
February 18th, 2009 at 12:32 am
I didn’t know about this!!!! I had heard rumors of an AD movie and avoided any more news about it lest my child like hope be dashed. Well, its totally dashed. This is terrible news. God damnit! I, as a humble mild-mannered citizen, can’t do much to make MC change his mind, but I promise on my heavily worn DVD collection of AD, I will hate him, wish terrible things on him and laugh derisively at all his follies for the rest of time if Shia Lebouefeffefefxxbns (sp?) plays George Michael, my favorite character. Don’t make me make a voodoo doll of you MC, because I swear I will bash its crotch with a mace. Do you believe in voodoo? Would you really take that chance?
February 16th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
maybe he’s not doing it because he’s too chicken
(instert Gob chicken dance here)
February 10th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
Has it not occurred to any of you that all of this Michael Cera is not doing the AD movie stuff might actually be a deliberate way of creating additional hype for the movie when it comes out? Either that or he’s just a total asshole. Or both.
February 10th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I was there that day at cafe 101— I spotted Gates McFadden! I wish I had asked her what the deal was with season 2 . It will forever more be a mystery
February 10th, 2009 at 2:59 am
Michale Cera, it’s already been said the best:
“I SAID DO IT SO DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!” -Montgomery Burns, “The Simpsons sing the Blues.”
February 9th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
skillet - you realize ron howard is nominated for an academy award this year and still talks about the AD movies in press interviews? i think he’s able to be a bit pickier than cera and is still more psyched than the kid who would still be doing star wars kid spoofs if it weren’t for AD…
February 9th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
Ok, Cera might get to pick his scripts and what not, but he’s picking terrible, terrible movies. I think it would be in his best interest to do the AD movie. I think it would be a #1 hit for weeks and weeks.
February 8th, 2009 at 10:57 pm
Please do it Michael, GMB is my favorite character.
I’d see it anyway, but it wouldn’t be the same without George Michael
February 8th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
Heather. Tambor, Arnett and DiRossi are willing because their careers are dead. They’re one step from doing local car dealership commercials.
Cera gets to pick and choose his projects.
February 8th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
Just write him out of the movie. He was the least talented actor playing the least funny main character on the show anyway.
February 8th, 2009 at 1:52 pm
So you met Michael Cera in real life and didn’t kick his ass because….?
Did he at least have like eight huge security guards or something?
February 8th, 2009 at 2:31 am
why wouldn’t Michael Cera do this? I don’t quite understand his side of the argument.
February 7th, 2009 at 11:51 pm
“Have you gotten any Arrested Development questions yet?”
“Once in a while. When you say ‘Have you gotten any questions about Arrested Development,’ is the question ‘Why did you guys make that show?’”
Fuck you, you little asshole. No one in their right mind would ask you that question–not even a fourteen year-old girl with Down Syndrome. I wanted to punch him in his smug, pimply face.
And about what Aargaur wrote: that is fucking hilarious. I can hear Ron Howard narrating that right now.
February 7th, 2009 at 10:35 pm
I agree with tim. I know the only reason I saw Juno was in the hopes that Jason Bateman and Michael Cera would be on screen together. I was very disapointed.
February 7th, 2009 at 2:41 am
Michael Bluth sends George Michael to a boarding school in Fargo, ND. George Michael doesn’t want to come back, as he is the most interesting, charismatic person in the whole state.
Problem solved. He’s out of the movie.
February 6th, 2009 at 8:19 pm
It’s almost as if Michael Cera thinks he’s risen to fame on the back of his own acting prowess..
The reason he’s even in these other roles is because George Michael was such a great character for him. How many people were excited about Juno because it had George Michael and Michael Bluth in it?
Me for one.
Get over yourself Cera, stop throwing a hissy fit and do the movie we REALLY want to see you in. Hell we’ll probably be grateful enough to see you in the next awkward teen role you play.
February 6th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
maybe it was the other George Michael, you know, the singer songwriter?
Gearge Michael, dont make me kiss Maeby to teach you a lesson
youre making a HUGE mistake.
COME ON!
dont you want to go back to Sudden Valley? ill let you stay in the Main house, you wont have any HomeFills!
look at you, George Michael, everyone thinks youre the goofball now. the joker. the magician!
February 6th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
how about the first 30 seconds where he pretended to not know what the guy was talking about? AD? oh I uhh loved doing that show.
blowhard
February 6th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Michael, if you dont do it, I swear on everything holy I will never see one of your dumpy movies ever again. Grow up, this is the show that made you a star, made you a house hold name. My god, you cant play the baby face, nervous kid forever….Im so angry. That mtv interview….oh…On behalf of Arrested Fanatics everywhere. GROW UP!
February 6th, 2009 at 12:35 am
God will I be pissed if he continues to refuse. I will hunt him down, I will stand outside his window gushing blood from my missing arm yelling…”And that is why you never turn down Arrested Development!!!”
February 5th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Dark: I saw that short film too! It’s amazing.
That’s all I have to say on the matter. I don’t mind Arrested Development, it’s better than Aids but worse than masturbation, but I doubt I’d pay money to watch it.
February 5th, 2009 at 8:33 pm
I met Cera at a childrens film “festival”, there was a short film in which he played a kid who was picking up a girl for a dance, and the dad of the girl just happened to have a horse’s head. I don’t remember what happened next, only that there was a scene where the dad rocked out on a guitar and his mane flapped in the breeze. Anyway, he was an arrogant son of a bitch. Even with as little fame as he had back then, when a kid came up to him (like, a 12 year old kid) and asked for an autograph, Cera told him to get out of his face. Just like that. So, I’m not surprised at what he’s done, really.
February 5th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Please Michael Cera, turn up for AD. It’s the number one film I’m looking forward to this year/next. Be a part of that.
February 5th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I thought that the poster for Extreme Movie was some kind of photoshopped joke. It just seemed like too many douchebags loaded into one shitty idea of a movie.
Sadly, I was wrong.
February 5th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
Fuck him and get Steve Holt instead.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Cera you retard!
You have less acting depth than a puddle has water. You have one thing that happens to fit in a few rolls, most of which are painful to watch. A large majority of your time on screen, you are being carried by much more talented actors.
Don’t turn your back on the show that got you recognized in the first place. With an attitude like this your lovable looser/geek routine just gets older quicker.
I would wish you death from eye herpes, but watching you fade into obscurity will be just as satisfying.
February 5th, 2009 at 11:20 am
I had never seen that MTV interview. What a petulant little shit.
You know what? Forget it then. Write him out. His presence will be missed, but in light of that attitude it’s not really worth it. The fact is, it’s an ensemble story, and I’ll gladly take 11 out of 12 over nothing at all.
In a perfect world (barring a contract carved in granite, delivered in tandem with a very tearful, very public apology for his inconceivable dickery) it would be made without him and rock our faces off regardless — and he would regret his decision to pass on it until dying young and penniless of some horrible disease.
Too much?
February 5th, 2009 at 11:09 am
Hey, they had Marta 1 & Marta 2, they had Egg 1 & 2… I say, just throw a lantern on it and have George Michael 2… called it a trifecta.
February 5th, 2009 at 9:57 am
So now what? Is the Arrested Development movie going to take place in some alternate timeline where George-Micheal Bluth was aborted or miscarried or something?
February 5th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Since Leaving Arrested Development, Cera has done only ONE good role. He was in Superbad. I don’t even count Juno because Ellen Page acted circles around him and chewed up every scene they were in together like a pregnant woman with the munchies.
He’s been on TIM AND ERIC’s show on Adult Swim, for cripes sake. Its not like he’s gotten too big and famous for the Role in AD now.
Why can’t he just do the movie, get it over with, and then enjoy the rest of his life not being crippled by AD fans who made him star anyway?
Gosh darn it. He has no excuse. Do you think an aluminum or wooden baseball bat is more appropriate?
February 5th, 2009 at 9:34 am
I heard it’s more like a social club for really cool people.
February 5th, 2009 at 9:20 am
Arrested Development? Is this some kind of TV show?
February 5th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Quite so old boy. Cera will do this movie. Whether it’s of his own free will or the writers have to write in a backstory to account for the fact that he’s now a cripple and lost the ability to speak, that’s up to him.
But this movie is happening.
February 5th, 2009 at 1:53 am
So I guess from here, it’s on to deciding who will replace him in the movie; my vote is for Gilbert Gottfried.
February 5th, 2009 at 1:18 am
I suppose you could always take solace in the fact that if they do make an AD movie the studios will probably do what they do to everything good in the world, turn it into as big of a pile of shit as possible while scraping up all the money from the poor saps that went to see it.
February 5th, 2009 at 12:34 am
For what it’s worth, sans hyperbole, I have met Michael Cera and he is, in fact, a dick. Surprising, considering that his career has hinged on one role (quietly awkward geek) and exactly one facial expression (confused puppy staring at TV/mouthbreathing social retardation). I met him at a recent film festival and merely said hi to him, and that I dug him in “Superbad.” That was it; no fawning, no autograph, no nothing. He first regarded me with the doe-eyed surprise he’s so keen at, then with the seething disdain an English Lord would affect if a leper popped a boil on his coat. He mumbled something, looked at his friend, shot me the look again, and turned on his heel.
In short, yeah, fuck that guy.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Wait, Michael Cera was in other stuff *besides* Arrested Development? News to me.
Even a broken clock is still correct twice a day: I have to say that Swaim is right on this one. An Arrested Development movie without George Michael Bluth would be like… Like an Arrested Development Movie without George Michael Bluth! It’s so fucking wrong that it makes its own belabored analogy!
February 4th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Oh MY GOD. If i did not already love Michael Swaim enough, I love him now BEYOND ENOUGH for having stated the most precient and astute point in regard to the AD movie. If Jeffrey Tambor is willing… If Will Arnet is willing… If lesbian/Ellen Degeneres’ wife Portia DeRossi is God-Willing, why not you, oh George of all Michaels? Are We Just Too Funky For You? BTW: Swaim, I’m single, hot, and into nerds. Just no WOW kinkiness, ok?
February 4th, 2009 at 8:49 pm
An AD movie would be awesome, but I think it would get everyones hopes up for another season. And I really doubt that would happen.
But Year One does look good.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
Seeing Michael Cera in any role other than George Michael really irritates me. He’s like a younger Zach Braff in that regard.
February 4th, 2009 at 8:25 pm
Way to misuse peruse, James. I mean maybe if you weren’t an absolute douchebag you would have used the word correctly. Next time, why don’t you throw an irregardless in there.
Swaim is cute though. <3
February 4th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
i literally just came from watching an episode of arrested development to peruse me some cracked, and now i just might vomit with rage. i am considering mailing him this letter under your name swaimy
February 4th, 2009 at 6:33 pm
agreed
February 4th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
It’s just like in the Friday movies, where Chris Tucker is too “bold” and “mighty” to be in the franchise that made him.
February 4th, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Michael Cera should star in a movie version of Equus. (He could wear that muscle suit…)
THEN go back to an AD movie. He would feel better.
February 4th, 2009 at 3:18 pm
M Paul: I think the writers have made it clear that they’re not doing the script until they know who’s on board - makes sense, since they can’t write George Michael in only to find out Cera doesn’t want the part.
So yes, Cera is being a dick, and yes, it hurts me to say this. Because look at him! The eyes!
February 4th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
I couldn’t agree with you more. That’s the role that made him famous and made us love him. If he turns his back on that I’m gonna be the first in line with a stick.
February 4th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Thank you Panzer-Stier Ross for saying what we were all thinking about M Paul.
Mrs Paul’s: If you think Swaim’s style of humor isn’t funny, its not like your conscripted into reading it.
February 4th, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I thought I cruise over to Facebook to begin a friendly campaign to get him to change his mind, but there are like 10 entries with his picture. Didn’t feel like taking the time to figure out which was the right one. Sorry.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:53 pm
M, or Paul, or whatever your name is.
Try not to dissect comedy, show no sense of humour AND have your URL as a sci-fi forum. It just makes it easier to make assumptions about you.
February 4th, 2009 at 12:39 pm
Not the whole of, just the majority.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Also: The whole of making something funny isn’t opening paint and writing a big word or phrase on a picture in a contrasting color.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:40 am
YOU FUCKING DO IT CERA, DO IT FOR THE FANS! DON’T BE SUCH AN ARROGANT PRICK! OUR ENJOYMENT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT YOU WANT. FUCKING DO IT MOTHERFUCKER.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:39 am
You act like that video was somehow him saying he wouldn’t be on board to do the movie. He said there isn’t a script. What do you want from him? I don’t give a shit about Cera, and I’d like to see the Arrested Development movie, but the way you talk you’d think it’s that idiot kid’s responsibility to pretend to be really excited about a movie that seems to exist more in the minds of interviewers than in the minds of the show’s writers.
Should he be writing it? How about you write it, since it matters so much to you and you have such a firm grasp on writing comedy.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:39 am
It’s funny because he pretty much plays the same character in every fucking movie that he’s in.
February 4th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Cera, I hope you read this! Its whats on everyone elses mind!
February 4th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I thought Cera kind of lucked his way into acting and was thus humble. I guess not. Thanks for the insider news, Swaim.
February 4th, 2009 at 10:28 am
I agree totally! Hope he doesn’t turn into a d’bag!!
February 4th, 2009 at 9:28 am
FUCK YEAH FIRST