An Open Letter To Michael Cera
Dear Michael Cera,
Be in the Arrested Development movie. The end. Ron Howard's called it a lock, Jeffrey Tambor's promised to force you to do it, and millions of people want to see this movie badly enough that theyre ready for Shia LeBeuof to step in and play your part. Yet you hold out. Why?
Please, for both our sakes, don't make me come after you. I'm serious about this. And believe me, my vengeance, driven by the collective ire of all the world's disgruntled Arrested Development fans, will be as swift as it is unmerciful.
Now that I've publicly threatened a young man/beloved figure/powerful Hollywood icon, let me back up and tell you all a story. Most of this story is true. If you can guess which parts, then you have a rudimentary understanding of hyperbole.
It begins on the day I first came to Los Angeles to take improv classes. My friends and I ate at the famed Caf 101 for lunch before class, both because it was featured in a scene of the movie Swingers and because they have a honey nut milkshake that is so good and wholesome that it will make you blow granola out of your nose and weep golden drops of bees milk.
After cleaning up the mess left by our honey nut shakegasms, my friends and I noticed that of all people, Michael Cera was sitting at the very next booth. We later noticed that Gates McFadden (AKA Dr. Beverly Crusher) was seated at a nearby table. But for a few minutes at least, Cera was the coolest person in the perceivable area.
Also, as a side note, this lunch totally blew my expectations of what living in LA was going to be like out of proportion. And despite eating at many cafes, bistros and hot spots since then, I have yet to see anyone nearly as awesome.
But back to Cera. At this time, he was just starting to spread his wings, leaving behind the awkward fawn-like innocence of George Michael Bluth for the stumbling, dew-fresh innocence of Kid From Juno.
Being the friendly, borderline-sociopathic person I am, I stepped up to Cera and asked whether the rumors about an Arrested Development movie were true.
Specifically, I said: Hey, Mr. Cera, big fan. So sorry to bother you at lunch, but I just thought this was such a great opportunity to tell you how much myself and all AD fans are looking forward to the possible release of a film, if it's not going to be too much trouble. Sorry again. I believe I was also bowing at the time, and then I tossed a twenty onto the table for his trouble.
Ceras reply? Stony silence, followed by an acrid stench I soon realized was the smell of him taking a giant dump in his pants. His pants ballooned, chunky liquid began to drip out of the leg, he lifted half an inch off his seat, and yet still he said nothing. I finally got the hint to leave when he threw a fork at my forehead like a throwing knife.
Eyes welling with tears, I looked back only once, to see Cera and his giggling friends snapping copies of Season 3 Arrested Development DVDs in half with their bare hands.
Needless to say, I was distraught. A bleak depression fell about me that was lifted only hours later, when Gates McFadden agreed to have me beamed up to the actual Enterprise to meet Captain Picard and go penguin clubbing on the holodeck.
Now months have passed, and still Cera greets questions about an AD movie with apathy, chagrin or statements to the affect that hed shred the script if it came in the mail.
Meanwhile:
Stop it, George Michael.
STOP FUCKING AROUND.
Shoot this movie before you get too old and they have to Benjamin Button your sorry ass.
After all, its not like being in an AD movie will get you any more pigeonholed as the cute nervous kid. Look around you: Youre already so deep in a pigeonhole that pigeons are trying to oust you before you can eat their seed stores and then stammer an adorable apology.
If youre going to be typecast, at least put that clichd character to use in the service of good. Im begging you. WERE begging you. And if we have to ask again, were going to do so all at once. Together. With sticks.
Cheerfully yours,
Michael Swaim
P.S. The Year One looks really good; is Tony Hale in it?
When not correcting the filmic landscape, Michael serves as head writer for and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!
whoa, NO ONE's cooler than Dr. Beverly Crusher.
Replyif he stopped bitching about his hatred for AD he would notice that he played the easiest role on the show standing around an talking nervously
ReplyGod, I hate Michael Cera.
ReplyAn Open Letter To Michael Cera:
ReplyDear Michael Cera,
f**k you.
ARGH! The Year One was terrible. But seriously, I had no idea it was Cera who was holding up the AD movie, f**k him.
Replymb so he can get more money otherwise why hold up on making somthing that made him famous
Are they still going to make the movie? If they are then- for the love of all things holy- keep Shia LaBouf OFF of the cast list.
ReplyI never thought AD was that funny, I mean it has it's moments in each episode, but not enough for me to "LOL" alot. Maybe because it's kinda smart humor, so I really only get Will Artnet's jokes since he's a dumb character.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesBut Michael Cera seems like he would be a douche IRL, becuase he plays nice guys all the time. He went with a Scott Pilgrim movie but not AD (which I'm pretty sure got him his start). If they don't hire him, they should get the dude from "Adventureland", him and MC are exactly the same in their acting styles.
And what the hell is Extreme Movie? I see that s**t in Blockbuster all the time but the cover is so ridicoulos (ugh, that's spelled wrong, I can feel it) I never want to rent it.
the mere fact that you put LOL in your post shows me that your not ready
DUDE!
Well, since I'm on the internet I'm more prone to use 'LOL'. So, to correct my mistake, 'I mean it has it's moments in each episode, but not enough for me to laugh out loud'. And I still agree with that statement, because the show is not that good. Would much rather watch the akwardness of John Francis Dailey than Michael Cera.
Interessantes Thema. Ich bin zwar nicht ganz deiner Meinung, aber das ist ja auch kein Forum hier. Bleib am Ball.
ReplyBitte sprechen Sie Englisch schmutzig Kraut.
I actually had liked his movies until I saw him act like the real jerk he is... Well, his movies aren't that bad but after seeing what a big douche bag he is to people, reading this article, and watching the interview that [adult swim] did at his house when he was playing in his game room and the crew started knocking on the door and asked him to act like Nick Twisp from his upcoming movie "Youth in Revolt" but he got pissed off at them and told them to leave and well he was being a big ass hole I mean it's just a little info they want and he just has to tell them to leave I mean wtf? If i was him i would take the interview its only like 20 minutes of your life. I mean you're so busy playing videogames you can't do anything else. I hope he dies no offence to whoever likes him :-/
ReplyThat interview was scripted, you know. And it was f**king funny.
@ Her? I didn't realize how big an AD fan I really was till I saw your post and realized that I DID get your name and I DO know that line. Guess that 15th viewing of the DVD box set stuck with me?
Reply"and I'll be bringing you some salmon rolls right away... Heaven".
ReplyIf anyone knows that line and gets my name... they'll certainly know that I like this article.
What is she funny or something?
Michael Cera is such a douche and pisses me off every time i see him, in a movie of course. He should not get the girl, its against nature. When man was just starting to hit each with sticks instead of their own feces I know little douches did not get women. They were clubbed to a pulp and then shit on for old times sake. Plus hes awkwardness isnt funny, at all. He's more awkward than when Dave Chapelle was a kkk member, which was funny.
ReplyAnd dont get me started on Shia "scrotum sucker" Lefag.
Dear Michael,
ReplyI am sorry for being such a douchebag at that restauraunt back in December, I was focused on Gates McFadden's GMILF titties at the time. I am also here to inform you that I have agreed to do the Arrested Development flick at the urging of your fans, particularly the ones who caved in my skull the other night with a tire iron.
Best Wishes,
Michael Cera
What a dumbass, Cera.
ReplySHOOT THE MOVIE.
please please please.
If only Arrested Development didn't suck.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesIf only YOUR FACE didn't suck, twatbag.
If only both of you didn't suck, assbags.
If only the suck didn't you, bagdicks.
If only suck didn't suck, bagbags
I literally can't comprehend why someone wouldn't jump at the chance to be PAID to hang around with guys like Will Arnett and David Cross making what is obviously going to be the best movie ever written. The dude is clearly smoking crack, in vast quantities.
ReplyAlso, to Ryan- people weren't tuning in because people are morons. And morons tend to prefer reality shows.
I think Michael Cera is a lot smarter than people give him credit. His remarks seem more sarcastic and "self" effacing(?), than righteous or smug. Besides, a gig is a gig. Based on everything else he's been in, if they offer him money, he will probably perform.
ReplySeriously. Think about his other movies. Really think he's "too good" to play George Michael Bluth?
Hype is hype. Considering that the series was a ratings flop(ie. it was always on the verge of being cancelled), cult status be damned, Hurwitz and Co. NEED to build up any and all anticipation for this occasion. Perhaps "Michael Cera: Will he???" is part of the hype machine.
So, yeah, EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WORLD love's Arrested Development. So, why wasn't anyone tuning in?
Because they would change the day and time of the show mid season every season. Also, lack of ratings isnt the only thing that killed the show, the writers and producers honestly didnt think they could carry a story line out any longer when they wrote the third season, and all the actors were paid pretty s**tty, so they all decided to let it die.
the 3rd season's episodes ran during the start of MNF in half the US timezones
and the last 4 episodes were played back to back during the winter olympics
For fuck's sake, Michael Cera. Just do the movie. I'm not even joking. DO THE FUCKING MOVIE!
ReplyDamn Michael Cera. As much as I enjoyed Juno and Nick and Norah's... I would much appreciate this dude involve himself in the AD film. I met him at a premier of Nick and Norah in Berkley last year and Kat Dennings was hot, he was pretty douchey when people were asking him about the AD movie, as well as when his FUCKING FANS were calling him George Michael. Jeez, he should at least appreciate the fact that his role in AD got him where he is today, not including his online shennanigans.
ReplyI actually Met Michael Cera with Jason Schwartzman recently when they were parked outside my work and went into the store next door. Jason was super nice - and Michael Cera was a jerk. It was sort of disappointing. Even making allowences for the whole "they're just people and we're bothering them" state of mind, he was a jerk, especially compared to how awesome Jason Schwartzman was. And knowing he's holding up the AD just makes him a bigger jerk. I agree - they should just make the movie without him. David Cross, Jason Bateman, Will Arnett and Tony Hale... awesome. Way to get a big head for not really accomplishing all that much yet, Michael Cera.
Reply