Mr. Duchovny,
It has recently come to my attention (as well as the attention of everyone else) that you are in rehab for Sex Addiction. First off, let me say congratulations; that’s super great. Probably the best addiction to have behind heroin. I mean, they die young and look pretty haggard, but you know those guys are happy like most of the time.
I imagine it’s much the same with a sex addiction, especially for someone who can get sex so readily. Is rehab just a big 24-hour orgy, or what? Because that’s all I hear from Lohan. Again, congrats.
But the reason I’m writing is that, as you are probably aware, your character in Californication also suffers from a sex addiction. Quite a coincidence. I hope I’m not jumping the gun when I assume that after this whole rehab thing dies down, you’ll probably become a paranormal investigator.
And when you do…please, Mr. Duchovny, let me be your Scully.
I’ve already talked to Gillian Anderson, or rather the person at her gate, more than thirty times, and I’ve been assured by him that she’s not interested in paranormal investigation. If you don’t believe me, I’ve got the restraining orders to prove it. She’s just a terrible woman. That leaves the door wide open for her replacement, and I’d like to be the first to submit a resumé.
As we in the paranormal investigation business like to say, BAM:
Height: 6’4”
Weight: 185 lbs. (not counting aura)
Hair: Sort of like the guy from Oasis
Eyes: A piercing and unearthly brown
Objective:
To obtain work as the scientifically-minded, skeptical partner of paranormal investigator David “Mulder” Duchovny.
Selected Accomplishments:
Work History:
2007-Present: Paid Cracked blogger, specializing in news of the paranormal (will occasionally cover many other topics).
2006-Present: Managed sketch troupe “Those Aren’t Muskets!” in the hope of accidentally recording footage of a ghost. Efforts so far unfruitful. Troupe name is a reference to the famous utterance of the “Gaberdeen Witch” as she was hung in 1782.
2003-2006: Unemployed. Paranormally.
2000-2002: Night shift bag checker at Ralph’s Market of the Strange. Witnessed no less than three ectoplasmic manifestations and one dimensional vortex in the mayonnaise aisle.
All past lives-Present: Seeker of The Truth. Place of employment: Out There.
Special Skills:
And just in case that sterling resumé isn’t enough to sway you, I’ve taken the liberty of providing an excerpt from a little piece of fan fiction I like to call “The Curse of The Were-Mummy.” I think a quick read will help assure you that I’m the only man for the future job.
…
“But isn’t that the point?” Mulder persisted, placing his hand on the butt of his gun like the biggest badass you’ve ever seen. His face seemed tortured with a yearning for Truth; a Truth that forever eluded him. “How do we know it wasn’t a demonic force that stole the stereo out of this TransAm?”
Mulder’s partner paused, smirking skeptically. “Science,” he muttered, and slid into the driver’s seat of their black Escalade like a snake slithering through a pat of honey butter.
Mulder laughed bitterly. “Agent Swaim, always the skeptic.”
“Doctor Agent Swaim,” he corrected, starting the car’s engine with a deafening roar. “Now come on…we’ve got a werewolf to kill.” And as they tore off into the night, Percy Faith blaring full volume, Mulder felt that for once, maybe the Truth…was in here.
…
I await your phone call, Mr. Duchovny.
When not writing for Cracked, Michael searches for his lost sister as head writer and co-founder of the ongoing paranormal research group Those Aren’t Muskets!
Last 5 posts by Michael Swaim
- 2012 ... The Realistic Edition - January 7th, 2009
- The 8 Most Misguided Sci-Fi Versions Of 2008 - December 29th, 2008
- The 8 Best Internet Sketch Troupes Whose Initials Aren't TAM - December 15th, 2008
- The First 100 Days ... After: A Primer for George W. Bush - December 11th, 2008
- How Can We Be In A Recession If We've Got So Much Money? - December 10th, 2008
December 16th, 2008 at 5:20 am
Right, I’m cool with the fact that some guys like to hump others guys but there is something about little Emo-fags kissing that makes me want to vomit my entire stomach onto my keyboard.
Seriously tho, look at the above pic and honestly tell me it doesn’t repulse you just a little…
September 10th, 2008 at 11:52 pm
I have to hand it to you Michael, I have not finished a paragraph without cracking the fuck up since I started following your blogs. Your execution of vulgarities is perfect and sarcasm just makes it a great read when I need some motivation to deal with the utter monotony of my job. One request though, how bout using the word ‘Cunt’ more. I truly think it is the perfect cuss word. Hey if your looking for an idea to blog on, how about when hurricanes got together and decided it was time to fucking brutalize Louisiana and Texas. Aren’t like Florida and South Carolina the most likely targets? I guess that was the 90’s.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:42 am
damn it I meant ” A mayonailian? What the hell mans!”
September 10th, 2008 at 8:41 am
a maynailian? What the hell mans?
September 9th, 2008 at 9:45 pm
If I weren’t so busy with terribly important things(lounging on couch), I would totally finish that fanfic in a brain-hurtingly slashy way…
September 9th, 2008 at 8:59 pm
“Eyes: A piercing and unearthly brown” - (I must admit that’s exactly what I perceive every time I watch one your videos; very mesmerizing and you capture that feeling so very well in this succinct description) - and the weight without counting aura part were the first things to catch me in this résumé. Then, of course, the synopsis you added for the type of contributions you could bring to Duchovny if he hired you was truly a tickle to my fancy, as well - you are too funny. As always, enjoyed your colorful writing and humorous imagination. Thanks.
September 8th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
The image that will haunt me for awhile is the Gladstone/Miley Cyrus one.
Jesus.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I actually didn’t get the mayonailien joke till the Australian posted. The written form of the theme song was what got me giggling non-stop.
Thanks, Swaim! Excellent Monday wake-up!
September 8th, 2008 at 8:42 am
If your dream of becoming the next Scully crashes Swaim, and your job at Cracked should dry up, I suggest writing fan fiction with written out theme songs preceding each chapter full time. You seem to have a real talent for it.
September 8th, 2008 at 7:48 am
I am proud to admit (and brag) that I understood the Mayonailien gag right away, although it perhaps says something about the particular state of mind in which I reside.
Swaim, thank you for this. I haven’t been so moved by an article since the one about the Nigerian movies. I’m so excited, I’m goin’ vex!
Now, that’s an expensive hat.
(I notice that Hyde D Montage hasn’t been around for a while, so read my blog!! It has nothing relevant to the article, and many spelling errors, and CAPS LOCK ATTACKS!)
September 8th, 2008 at 6:03 am
WTF. That’s all. Just. WTF.
Never liked your stupid articles anyway.
September 8th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Glendoor, I’m glad I’m not the only one who didn’t get the Mayonailien thing straight away.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:43 am
@ iampriteshdesai: Palin’s a public figure now…subject to Fair Comment and Criticism
@ Andy Bar: I’d like to meet your friends
@ Swaim: I ain’t gonna lie, the last couple articles were so-so…but you’ve redeemed yourself.
September 8th, 2008 at 12:19 am
Uh glendoor42 I’m going to disagree with you on the pic, the Wayne Moncyrus pic was the most disturbing.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
“2003-2006: Unemployed. Paranormally.”
Leaves me wanting an explination but perfect in itself.
September 7th, 2008 at 10:04 pm
mayonailien……………30 hours later, I get it.
September 7th, 2008 at 4:48 pm
@ sex addict…I’m not even a lesbian but damn, those are hot. After Angelina, she could turn me.
As for Duchuvny..I call OBVIOUS shenanigans…no freakin way is he a sex addict. Try Method acting taken to an extreme. Douche.
September 7th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
All my friends are metalheads.
duh nuh nuh nuh nuhhhhh.
September 7th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
That explains it- all my friends are vampires.
September 7th, 2008 at 6:39 am
That was the funniest thing I’ve read from you yet, back-on-the-swaim-gang. Although your on-paper rendition of the x-files theme was so accurate it actually put it in my head where it will play in an endless loop for the next three days. And I may never look at Gillian Anderson the same way again (that photo kind of makes her look like a red-headed Blackie Lawless from W.A.S.P.). And I, too, wonder who the fuck the cigarette smoking man is, besides an actor who clearly needs a prop to help him act.
September 7th, 2008 at 5:43 am
Yeah, the Scully pic was disturbing…
September 7th, 2008 at 3:02 am
DOBism? Church of the Latter-Day Swaims? And here I thought Gladstone was the God of the Old Testament, in disguise. Let the Holy Wars begin.
September 7th, 2008 at 1:43 am
His rehab will fail. Just one look at these and he’ll be off the wagon in seconds.
September 7th, 2008 at 1:41 am
“Doctor Agent Swaim,” he corrected…
That line made me laugh, keep up the good articles.
September 6th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
@ Jeff, gay and creepy.
September 6th, 2008 at 9:38 pm
nice !
PS : thanks for sharing your Scullies
September 6th, 2008 at 8:29 pm
Does it make me gay that I kinda wanna nail Scully-Swaim? Or does it just make me creepy?
September 6th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
This article has convinced me to renounce DOBism in favor of The Church of the Latter-Day Swaims.
“‘Science,’ he muttered, and slid into the driver’s seat of their black Escalade like a snake slithering through a pat of honey butter.”
Beautiful.
September 6th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Does Gillian Swaimderson scare the crap out of anybody else?
September 6th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Carta abierta irónica a David Duchovny [eng]…
Sr Duchovny, Ha llegado a mis oidos que está en rehabilitación por adicción al sexo. Primero de todo, déjeme felicitarle, probablemente es la mejor adicción que padecer después de la de heroína……
September 6th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
Speaking of Gladstone, Swaim, I think your Gillian Anderson picture is second only to his Bill O’Reilly/jock itch picture as far as disturbing goes. The article was funny though.
September 6th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
dont let Gladstone hear you bash Gilian Anderson…
September 6th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
Are you really 6′4″ swaim?
September 6th, 2008 at 11:56 am
Thank you for making my day today. Laughed so hard. I’d so hire you if I were Duchovny. I’m trying to ignore his sex addiction and still love him just as much as I always did. mmmm, X-Files.
September 6th, 2008 at 11:10 am
They don’t have security guards at sex addict rehab, just a guy with a water hose.
September 6th, 2008 at 10:59 am
I propose the motto of the X-Files be officially changed to The Truth is in Australia.
September 6th, 2008 at 9:58 am
awesome
September 6th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Right now I’m pretty much willing to satisfy anyone’s sex addiction twice weekly. I’ll wear rubber gloves, I won’t wear rubber gloves, I’ll wear a chicken costume if you like.
I suppose what I’m saying is: for the love of God will someone let me touch their thing?
September 6th, 2008 at 9:52 am
Nice one Swaim. But you left out a ziplock bag of hair, blood, stool & semen samples. I’m sure it will help The Duchovny realize your superior potential to the other candidates. And gloves? We have full body latex paint brotha! It’s called the new millenium. Hellooo?
September 6th, 2008 at 9:42 am
As his Scully are you willing to do a couple of nude spreads in some artsy magazine to prove you are a serious actor? Are you willing to star in a BBC period drama piece to cement yourself as a true thespian? Are you willing to suffer a mid-career slump, stop eating, end up looking like the worst set of ribs in the planet before returning to the mediocrity from whence you came?
Are you prepared to be a ranga Swaim?
So many consequences that I feel you have failed to take into account!
September 6th, 2008 at 9:14 am
…. Australian*** Glendoor was right, we NEED an edit button.
September 6th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Wow, the picture of Scully IS scary. Nice article Mr. Swaim. Looking forward to the next one.
September 6th, 2008 at 9:06 am
So I just got the Mayonalien joke (shuddup it’s late here) and maybe it’s cause I’m tired or maybe it’s cause I’m Australia (apparently we have a warped sense of humour) but I laughed pretty badly at it. Unfortunately while I was scrolling down to write this I saw that photo again and had a minor stroke…
Btw, we should stand next to each other sometime. You’re tall and that makes me feel short and I like that.
September 6th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Boring!
Also the last article about nudePalin was wrong, disgraceful and shitty. Hope she sues you. Shit Rats.
September 6th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Well first of all holy fucking shit that photo! I’m going to have nightmares Swaim, NIGHTMARES.
But wait… you were unemployed for three years? I’m confused, how did you survive three years without a job?
Otherwise hilarious
David, if you’re reading this I also wish to apply as your Scully. Only I’ll do it daily and without the gloves.