Dear American Express,
How are you? I know how hard this global recession has been on everyone, so I thought I’d check in on an old friend. We have had a professional relationship for over ten years.
Me? Well, I’m getting by. Several months ago, I was laid off with millions of other people. I had to take a job at half my prior salary and sell my house. But what am I saying? You know all this! That’s right. After you saw that my credit report showed a sudden three month hiccup in my otherwise flawless finances, you called to see how I was doing. No wait. Not to see how I was doing. To unilaterally cut my credit limit from $25,000 to $1,000. Oh, and you didn’t actually call. But that post card was nice.
Needless to say, this rift in our friendship left me spinning with questions. Mostly, I just want to know why. I was so good to you. I mean, yes I stopped paying my mortgage, (for the house already on the market) but I paid every single other bill. I paid all YOUR bills. Remember the good times? You were my friend … with benefits. What happened to the American Express I knew? The one who thanked me for my prompt payments and kept raising my credit limit? I got a new job. Is it my ass? It’s not me. It’s these new jeans. Ask Capital One, they’re totally into what I got going on. It just seemed like someone over there had made a grievous error.
So I decided to call because that’s what friends do, right? They don’t jump to conclusions and take rash actions without the facts. But, apparently, it wasn’t an error. One of your employees –let’s call her BitchFace— conveyed the sentiment in a subtle way:
“It’s not an error, Mr. Gladstone,” she said, twisting her heel into the larynx of a baby chihuahua. As I bent over to see if I could find what was left of my self worth and dignity rolling away on the floor, she upped the ante:
“We have you right where we want you.”
Yeah, I’m not joking. Who says that? I think she meant Amex had me at their desired credit limit, but seriously? “We have you right where we want you” is third on the list of evil phrases right behind “we have ways of making you talk,” and “we’re going to revoke your Facebook account if you keep harassing teens.”
I’m not going to lie to you American Express. This was a serious test of our friendship. But once my credit report was updated it showed no mortgage debt. Indeed, I had a credit rating of over 700. I faxed you the new information, proudly. Glad that we’d be able to put all this nonsense behind us, and you’d be able to return my credit limit to a point higher than let’s say … the cost of a high def TV or 8 nice dinners? I mean, c’mon, with a $1,000 credit limit, how was I going to afford a quality hit man to kill each and every one of the miserable bastards I’d spoken to at your company? I’d have to use some untested soldier of fortune off craigslist and he might not be any good. He might not slice your carotid artery clean enough and you’d have to die slowly over a long period of time while he did unspeakably perverted things to your increasingly lifeless corpse. None of us wanted that. So I submitted hard evidence and waited for you to do the right thing.
Well guess what? For a cynical guy who does a web series about hating things that suck, I am surprisingly optimistic and naive. Two weeks after my financial care package you sent another post card (I guess BitchFace couldn’t come to the phone) informing me that you were keeping my credit limit at $1,000.
One thing did make me feel a little better, though. No, not the new friend I found online who is willing to torture/murder creditors for half his normal rates (although that does help) but finding out that I’m not alone. American Express and other credit card companies have been up to all sorts of mindless shenanigans, making draconian decisions based more on the appearances of cutting costs than actually understanding which clients present unreasonable risks.
But hey, these are tough times. I get it. And I think it’s completely fair that you safeguard yourself against greed and carelessness. Even if it was your greed and carelessness that put you in this situation in the first place. If making my life more difficult helps you sleep at night, then, hey, I guess that’s what friends are for.
Besides, I’m very much into the idea of you sleeping soundly. My new friend tells me he works best at night.
Wishing you every success.
Your pal,
Gladstone
Hate By Numbers will return. And likely on Cracked.com (Negotiations proceeding…)
This entry was posted on Sunday, October 25th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Cody is actually my little brother and I wish you'd stop being so mean to him., Money, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.
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October 26th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
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October 25th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
hahahaha
October 25th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Of course it will Amanda, and I’ll have a condo on the moon. Keep those dreams alive, it’s the only thing we can afford.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:40 pm
Ahh this takes me back to the time I missed a payment last year. The only one I had ever missed on anything in my life. And my credit card companies (both - are they in cahoots?) both doubled my interest rates and told me I wasn’t “far enough behind” to make any sort of payment plan and that they just couldn’t work with me. And then lowered my limit to just below my balance so they could collect late AND over the limit fees.
Could you please add Citibank and Wamu to this letter?
October 25th, 2009 at 6:08 pm
The article was good, yet quite true unfortunately
October 25th, 2009 at 5:37 pm
Excellent article.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
The worst part is you know the financially responsible people will accept their new limits while the people who can’t manage credit will desperately find a way to either keep their high limit or secure a new one, and in the long term that’s going to cause everybody to lose.
If they were smart they’d actually employ consultants to come out and talk with people instead of just sending out a ‘no credit for you’ letter after two missed payments. Not simply to evaluate your financial situation but to help you get it under control. Unless they’re intentionally giving out money to people who can’t pay them back then those people should, at least theoretically, be able to pay their bills at the assigned credit limit. If those people can’t pay their bills then something has gone wrong and its in both parties best interests to get it sorted out.
If it turns out that person is an airhead who can’t comprehend that buying things on Amex still costs money, then by all means cut their credit right back. However if it turns out it was just a hiccup, or their situation has changed, having someone come in and help come up with a game plan to get everything back on track would be a life saver.
If Amex were willing to put up that level of support and show that sort of commitment to mutual success I would happily use their cards until the day I died. I’ll never trust a credit company, but knowing they’re not going to shank me the instant I display any signs of weakness would be very nice.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
I’m so glad I’m still too young to have to deal with this bullshit. By the time I’m of age, the economy will be all better, right guys? RIGHT??
October 25th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Hehehehe.. things will be ready sooon Mr. Gladstone..
Hehe..
Sleep soundly greedy whores..
yeeess..
*runs off cackling like a maniac*
October 25th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
@coke fueled rage: My house did sell. I never opted for capital one. I had about a 700 dollar balance on the card when they pulled their stunt and i’m currently carrying a 0 balance.
October 25th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
I don’t like to complain in the comments so much, but this article was obviously just a way for the author air a grudge. It wasn’t even very amusing.
October 25th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
hahahahhahahaha
October 25th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
They did the right thing.
You would have only ended up using the other 24,000 to pay down the Capital One card and when your house didn’t sell and you ended up in the street…where would the shareholders of Amex be ?
They would be out 24 grand, that’s where.
So thank Amex for keeping you from being a drag on society.
October 25th, 2009 at 3:11 pm
hatebyfail: go fuck yourself. that said, it’s nice to see both swaim and gladstone writing for a change
October 25th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
Oh, and they lowered my credit limit from $15,000 to $7,000, when my balance was about $6,950. Gee, they wouldnt be trying to accrue over balance fees, would they?
October 25th, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Yep, happened to me to, even after paying early and paying over for two consecutive months. I called Citigroup and berrated some peon call taker, who promptly hung up on me rather than fight back with logic.
I think everyone should stop paying the credit cards en masse
October 25th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Nicly done Gladstone.
October 25th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
How much are you paying that guy? I bet I can do it for less. Heck, I might even pay YOU.
October 25th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
Dude, that same shit happened to my dad. Never made a late payment on anything and then he missed a truck payment (it was his lawyers advice; but that’s another story) and they reduced his credit to like 10 percent of what it was. The bastards.
October 25th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Similar situation but I said my card was stolen
After they canceled it they sent me another one, so I told them I never got that one
They’ve been sending me cards for three months now, I’ve got dozens and dozens
I’ve made a small collage out of them and will send it to American Express ASAP
October 25th, 2009 at 1:35 pm
How sad is it that I learn every important global fact from you, Gladstone? Can you just start teaching a class? It’d really help out. Also, glad to see you finally put an article. HBN’s fantastic but your writing’s always gonna be your special talent.
October 25th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
Unfortunately, credit card companies have never really been renowned for their brains or their souls. It’s really just a matter of time before you end up on the stupid end of the stick. Personally, I’m going through Dave Ramsey’s Total Money Makeover, and credit cards are no longer a concern. For all you disillusioned, his plan is definitely worth checking out. Life is much more fun with no debt!
Holy crap, I sound like a bot. Well, it’s still a good plan.
October 25th, 2009 at 1:00 pm
Amen to all of this, whether I have Amex or not.
It’s the banking/stock-broking areas that are the reason America is in such dire straits, the dumbass elitists. Saw an article in the paper quoting a banking representative as saying that they knew that when a teacher came in and claimed a six-figure income that they were lying through their teeth, but that they accepted them gladly anyway and lo and behold, they can’t pay up.
So we, the honest and hard-working of America, rather than the bitches with six kids and six baby-daddies, on welfare, and no jobs, are the ones who have to pay up America’s debt.
I personally think everyone of those people that lent to people they knew couldn’t pay up and every laze about on welfare without reason (having kids is not a reason) should pay every red cent back themselves. Fuck you and your million-dollar severance package, Mr. CEO.
This was funny too. Good luck with your troubles.
October 25th, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Never liked those GStone videos, but I do so enjoy your written words. And I would tell AMEX to go to hell myself, but it’s the only card Costco takes, and I’m a fat guy who needs lot’s of mayo at any given time.
October 25th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
Are you hanging out with Cody? Why?
October 25th, 2009 at 12:00 pm
American Express laid me off a few months back, so it’s good to see some good Amex hate.
October 25th, 2009 at 11:58 am
No way, you’re not that financially off for jumping on the political comedy bandwagon? That’s a shocker.
October 25th, 2009 at 11:02 am
This was depressing.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:55 am
I think they lowered your credit limit because you won’t stop making that terribly unfunny Hate by Numbers series (of fail)
Regardless, this sucks.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Touche
October 25th, 2009 at 10:46 am
MY credit limit is $1000.
That’s so sad for you, G.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:33 am
well done. funny, but also making a good point.
October 25th, 2009 at 10:05 am
My sentiments exactly!
October 25th, 2009 at 9:43 am
totally made up address. I know because any Zipcode in Maine starts with a 0.
Otherwise, very funny, Mr. Gladstone.
October 25th, 2009 at 9:39 am
I had no idea my ass could affect credit rating. PETA needs some hotter members.
October 25th, 2009 at 9:37 am
BRB photo geeking out about the use of that Joshua Hoffine picture.
October 25th, 2009 at 9:12 am
Is this serious? If so, sorry Gladstone. Good luck
October 25th, 2009 at 8:26 am
Poor Mr. Snibbles. Another casualty of the recession.
October 25th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I didnt like this
October 25th, 2009 at 8:10 am
When I paid off my credit card, I included the shredded card in the envelope with the final check. Probably impressed no one, but it made ME feel better.
October 25th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Boobs.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:57 am
If credit card limits were based on how your ass looks in jeans, you’d have the highest credit limit in history, G-Stone.
And, GreenGoddess does have a point… ; )
October 25th, 2009 at 7:57 am
If we all chip in, maybe we can get the Craigslisters to take out the lot of them.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Actually, I’m Dutch. Secondly, I am additionally insured for my teeth as it’s only €30 a month extra on top of my general health-insurance (I should have included that in my monthly calculation, insurance is €100 extra - jeej socialist healthcare!)
In any way ,my apologies on the saving-comment. It’s just that I know that relatively speaking to the rest of the world American saving is just extremely low which seems like an unnecessary risk to me to the average American, which shows during these times. I’m sure that the younger people are saving now, harsh lessons learned but that does not remove the fact that i think that a 25000 dollar credit rating is wise. People in general are not smart with money and making them spend it before they even háve it is just irresponsible.
Psychologically you think you have 25000 to spend so (some) people will do so, even if it is the average year-salary for medium incomes. Then when you have your clothes, food and general luxuries the interest kicks in and you have less to spend…
Long story short, it’s much safer I believe to have a payings-account and spend the money you actually have, rather then the supposed money credit companies give you.
Oh and Wow, the Americans I have met generally fall into these categories:
50+ and retired sightseers you can spot miles away.
Valley kids you can hear from a mile away.
Gays (yes, I live in Amsterdam.)
the last two categories are generally quite nice (as long as they can shut up occasionally) and are actually amazed you can go out till 5-6 AM.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:41 am
I feel so lucky to live in Canada.
October 25th, 2009 at 7:17 am
Wow: You’re a douche, you actually got offended because a guy said it was easy to live on less than $25k a month, and then you made a remark about his teeth, i’m assuming your reffering to the ENGLISH stereotype of bad teeth, which since he uses Euros, I doubt his fucking English.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:59 am
The clear solution was never to give you credit in the first place. Amex, please correct this error. Forever.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:56 am
Yay! g stone returns to write moar funneee!!!!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:55 am
These are sad economic times.
Esmoreit:
I pay $16,000 a year for university (which is cheap here!) so suck it.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Cody is not your little brother. Lies make Baby Jesus cry.
Also, I love your written posts, but there’s an alarming lack of Gladstone nudity. You can’t be a hot, famous, internet comedy writer without posting some pics. I’m just sayin’…
October 25th, 2009 at 6:33 am
Build a home for your youth in _Sugarloves-COM_!!
October 25th, 2009 at 6:29 am
American express can eat all the dicks.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:29 am
Hey Esmoreit. Maybe you should raise your spending limit to 750 euros a month to get your teeth fixed. Well…I guess that would be a waste because they’re just going to get knocked out by every fucking American you ever meet for the rest of your pathetic life.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:18 am
welcome back g-stone, job well done
October 25th, 2009 at 6:17 am
Spot on Gladstone.
Just this week, we got a letter from our credit card company saying they were closing our account. My wife geives them a call to find out why. Their response: Our last payment was two weeks late. That was the first and only time we paid them late, and that only due to a paperwork screwup. Seems like a stupide reason to drop a loyal, paying customer, but there you have it.
October 25th, 2009 at 6:13 am
You rock Gladstone. I know your pain. :):S:>
October 25th, 2009 at 6:08 am
Wow, considering my rought financial times I’m surprised my credit card limit has stayed at $15k.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:59 am
Hey Esmoreit I heard that its national policy to piss on jews and gypsies.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Esmoreit:
Saving isn’t a dirty word for all Americans, trust me. You just don’t hear about them on the news because they don’t make for good press. Most of my friends are, if not exceedingly frugal, at least not exceedingly spendthrift. We use credit cards as a convenient substitute for cash and pay them off every month. We didn’t buy houses we couldn’t afford. We try to put something away every month. We’re still screwed, of course, but our habits were outweighed by those who didn’t share them.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:50 am
Zomg $1000 limit Amex friends!
Does it make you sad to know we have the same credit limit now?
October 25th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Gladstone, can I get your new friend’s phone number? Mine’s in court.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Gladstone - while I’m sorry you got laid off (been there, done that a lot) and got f’d over by AmEx, what did you expect? You’re talking about AmEx.
AmEx is hyper-aggressive in their screening processes by habit, since for the first 30 years of their existence, none of their cards had limits and they had to make sure you could pay off the balance every month.
And for merchants, their fees are significantly higher than any other card - that’s why many small businesses don’t accept it.
If you really don’t like it and your credit score is good, then just cancel the card. It’s not like AmEx is the most convenient credit card or historically customer friendly.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:39 am
I don’t get the American payment system. I have a credit limit of €1000 (which is quite uncommon, the only reason I have this is because I’m a student) but I hate debt anyway so my “safety mark” is actually +1000 euro’s. I have never run into any payment trouble and honestly, a $25000 credit seems so preposterous to me… what the hell do you spend on a monthly basis? My costs a month are €550 roughly and that includes rent, university and groceries.
I actually heard that saving is considered a dirty word in the US… go figure…
October 25th, 2009 at 5:26 am
October 25th, 2009 at 5:26 am
Piss off, Gladstone
October 25th, 2009 at 5:23 am
First.
October 25th, 2009 at 5:08 am
first?
October 25th, 2009 at 5:06 am
First
October 25th, 2009 at 5:05 am
G-stone with written words!! Welcome back
October 25th, 2009 at 5:04 am
Note to self, never piss off Gladstone.