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An Idiot's guide to Super Tuesday

stupidvoter.jpgQ: What's Super Tuesday?

A: It's a day of the week from the distant planet Krypton, which having escaped it's own world's destruction, has traveled across the galaxy and crash landed on our planet, where our yellow sun gives it super powers.

These powers include 1) occurring once every four years, 2) deciding the fate of several states electoral primaries 3) and heat vision.

Q: Ok, so it's a politics thing. Republicans vs. Democrats and such.

A: Not quite. The primaries are when both the Republicans and Democrats decide which one of their candidates they'll send into shirtless gladiatorial combat with the other side. This year, 24 states are holding primaries on Super Tuesday, so a strong showing here is considered crucial to a candidates success.

Q: So this is a pretty big deal then?

A: Well it is, unless it isn't. There's been a handful of "Must-win" primaries this season already, and they haven't decided much yet.

Q: So who's running this year?

Rather than explain where all the candidates stand on the issues (boring!) we'll just give you the quick snapshot on their most important features.

The Republicans:John McCain: If he's doing something you like, he's a "maverick" - if he's doing something you hate, he's a "fucking traitor."

Mitt Romney: He's a Mormon, which is either a very big deal, or not a big deal at all depending on whether you go to church much or not. Speaking of which

Mitt Huckabee: God's on his side.

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On the Republican side, McCain's the foreign policy hawk who's hated by the party elite, and lot's of other people aside from that. Romney's the economic conservative who's adored by the party elite, but mistrusted by everyone else. Huckabee's adored by social conservatives and feared by everyone else. All in all, not a very inspiring bunch. For example, none of them possess the "looks like a guy you could have a beer with" quality that Republicans have looked for in their presidential candidates for the last 8 years or so, and which has proven to be such a crucial element for running a country.

The Democrats:Hilary Clinton: Woman.

Barack Obama: Black.

On the Democratic side, the debates over the last few weeks have boiled down to one key issue: If you vote for Obama, you hate women, if you vote for Clinton, you hate black people. Barack Obama's startling rise in the polls over the last month has forced Democrats everywhere to confront a very difficult question: "Do we hate women as much as we do black people?"

Q: Anything specific to watch out for?

A: For the Dems, the most likely outcome for Super Tuesday may actually be no outcome at all. The polls between Clinton and Obama are very tight, and given the Democratic Party's wishy-washy method for divvying up delegates it's possible that no-one will emerge a clear winner at the end of the day.

On the Republican side, McCain's got a sizable lead in most national polls, and can possibly lock up the nomination with a strong showing today. Romney's campaign is on the ropes, and needs some good news to keep his campaign going. As for Huckabee, despite his strong support from social conservatives and God, he's basically been reduced to the role of a spoiler now. He may be able to steal social conservative voters away from Romney in key states it being widely suspected that social conservatives will vote for anyone but McCain due to his vocal support for gay marriage for illegal immigrants.

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