An Idiot's guide to Super Tuesday
Q: What's Super Tuesday?
A: It's a day of the week from the distant planet Krypton, which having escaped it's own world's destruction, has traveled across the galaxy and crash landed on our planet, where our yellow sun gives it super powers.
These powers include 1) occurring once every four years, 2) deciding the fate of several states electoral primaries 3) and heat vision.
Q: Ok, so it's a politics thing. Republicans vs. Democrats and such.
A: Not quite. The primaries are when both the Republicans and Democrats decide which one of their candidates they'll send into shirtless gladiatorial combat with the other side. This year, 24 states are holding primaries on Super Tuesday, so a strong showing here is considered crucial to a candidates success.
Q: So this is a pretty big deal then?
A: Well it is, unless it isn't. There's been a handful of "Must-win" primaries this season already, and they haven't decided much yet.
Q: So who's running this year?
Rather than explain where all the candidates stand on the issues (boring!) we'll just give you the quick snapshot on their most important features.
The Republicans:John McCain: If he's doing something you like, he's a "maverick" - if he's doing something you hate, he's a "fucking traitor."
Mitt Romney: He's a Mormon, which is either a very big deal, or not a big deal at all depending on whether you go to church much or not. Speaking of which
Mitt Huckabee: God's on his side.
On the Republican side, McCain's the foreign policy hawk who's hated by the party elite, and lot's of other people aside from that. Romney's the economic conservative who's adored by the party elite, but mistrusted by everyone else. Huckabee's adored by social conservatives and feared by everyone else. All in all, not a very inspiring bunch. For example, none of them possess the "looks like a guy you could have a beer with" quality that Republicans have looked for in their presidential candidates for the last 8 years or so, and which has proven to be such a crucial element for running a country.
The Democrats:Hilary Clinton: Woman.
Barack Obama: Black.
On the Democratic side, the debates over the last few weeks have boiled down to one key issue: If you vote for Obama, you hate women, if you vote for Clinton, you hate black people. Barack Obama's startling rise in the polls over the last month has forced Democrats everywhere to confront a very difficult question: "Do we hate women as much as we do black people?"
Q: Anything specific to watch out for?
A: For the Dems, the most likely outcome for Super Tuesday may actually be no outcome at all. The polls between Clinton and Obama are very tight, and given the Democratic Party's wishy-washy method for divvying up delegates it's possible that no-one will emerge a clear winner at the end of the day.
On the Republican side, McCain's got a sizable lead in most national polls, and can possibly lock up the nomination with a strong showing today. Romney's campaign is on the ropes, and needs some good news to keep his campaign going. As for Huckabee, despite his strong support from social conservatives and God, he's basically been reduced to the role of a spoiler now. He may be able to steal social conservative voters away from Romney in key states it being widely suspected that social conservatives will vote for anyone but McCain due to his vocal support for gay marriage for illegal immigrants.
two years, no comments.
Replyhere's one :)
wooooo bucholz!
choosing a gps...
Replyyes indeed......
I'm lying to no one, least of all myself like you are.
ReplyDavid Gergen, CNN senior political analyst, commented "I don't think there's an excuse in politics to have something go out under your name and say, 'Oh by the way, I didn't write that'."
Check out any neo nazi web page forum and see how many of them have the tagline that say "Ron Paul for President". Why is that do you think?
Oh and please enlighten all of us why a candidate that is a member of the Council of Foreign Relations is a bad thing. If you can do so without cutting and pasting Alex Jones or other bullshit conspiracy theory rhetoric quotes I will be amazed.
"As long as the’re not Black or Jewish. Ever read the Ron Paul Report, I have." - yeah I bet you have, you dumb fuck. Your daily reading probably amounts to the back of whatever cereal box your mom buys you.
ReplyThose newsletters are two decades old, and written by other people, NOT Ron Paul, who has released a statement to this effect. Yet you still are peddling this smear tactic shit? FOX news would be so proud. You dumb fucking idiot. "truth hurts"? Yeah but its not as much fun as lying is it?
Every other candidate is CFR. I doubt your retarded ass can really comprehend what that means. Fuck you, you cocksmoking fuckhole.
As long as the're not Black or Jewish. Ever read the Ron Paul Report, I have.
ReplyI guess Cracked didn't want to include Ron Paul. The "Tax Payer's Best Friend" who knows that America's foreign policy is destroying the economy. The guy who says we should bring the troops home, end the IRS, and wants to give freedom back to the American people.
Reply"Would you look at a penthouse spread of hillary? unshaven"
ReplyAs long as she shaved her legs and pits or just her legs, Hell Yeah.
The question is...
ReplyWould you look at a penthouse spread of hillary? unshaven
Would you vote for a black guy that sounds white, acts white and never ever has been photographed holding his jammy
If you would just sit down with Hillary and drink a nice cup of warm BLOOD, you would see things her way or else burst into flames
ReplyWhat Gamer is saying should inspire everyone of you to look deeper into the backrounds of each these corporate chosen candidates. He is spot on with his analasis. This article is about apathy which by design is a key ally of the establishment, which is caused by depression brought on by the loss of control over your own life. We were taught in school about this free country we live & don't forget that lesson on the government in America being for the people by the people. We were taught that all men are created equal, & that right is protected under the constitution. As we grow we soon come to the realization that this is not the case. Bigger government, or socilistic concepts of income redisdribution is the enemy of the freedoms that we were taught about in school. The thing we forget about the most, is that individual liberty requires individual responsability. We continue to sell our birthright for these handouts & a false sense of security that undermine the very foundation of what our country is founded on. More false hope & promises=more of the same or worse. The real issues must be addressed in order to initiate true change. The article did forget to mention the 1 candidate that is not sponsered by the power establishment. He has a clear view of the challenges at hand. Google Ron Paul. The good Dr has a cure for the rampant apathy epidemic in this country.
ReplyCan any of these clowns actually fix the cluster fuck this country is in currently? Probably not. They can, however, provide us with one of the worst selections for President since the last election. Frankly, I don't trust any of them. NONE of them have remained very consistent on any issues.
ReplyFor shits and giggles, let's go through the list.
Mitt Romney - Lying conservative Mormon. There's nothing worse. And his name is stupid.
Who in the hell names there kid Mitt? I'll tell you who: lying conservative
Mormon parents, that's who.
John McCain - Bush loving 9/11 fetishist.
Mike Huckaby - I just hate his douche bag name.
Hillary Clinton - Don't confuse this socialist hag with her husband, Bill. She will do nothing
but turn us into a shitty Canada.
Barack Obama - I don't know much about this man, but his mysterious ways make me
uncomfortable. He's a vague man, and I don't want vagueness in the
White House....anymore.
Also, none of the above have given any sure fire way to end the fiasco in Iraq. No trust means no vote from me.
Um... C, I think we've clearly established that Under Amour is not people. It is the "fyooo-churrrrrrrr!"
Replyoh my god IO just found out. Under armor.......is PEOPLE!!!
Replyit's mike huckabee, not mitt. you got romney right tho.
ReplyHey! First time poster, long time reader. Looks like you were right about the democratic outcome Chris. Barack got the most states and Hillary got the most delegates. Now we just have to wade through a few more weeks of mud-slinging from the candidates, lousy predicitions from the media and bull-shitting from Bill Clinton.
Replythe FOOO-CHURRR!! ....
ReplyHaHaHaHa!!!
ReplyHey, gotta get a vacation romance somehow.
Reply5000 of them and their sheep.
ReplyHey, we'll possibly be the only invading army in the world that'll go away if you give us beer, let us party with you and take our pictures.
ReplyOh, we'll even clean up afterwards.