An Apology to the Etsy Customers I Ripped Off

To the Uptight Moralists Who Sought to Have The Metasy Banned from Etsy

Buying other people's Etsy goods, gluing them all together into a heap, and then selling the whole thing back on the market at a ridiculous markup was always going to infringe on all sorts of society's moral codes.

Jack Hollingsworth/Photodisc/Hemera/Getty
The Metasy (short for Meta-Etsy) seen here doing what it does best: mockery-making.

Really I'm just sorry that society can't recognize art anymore.

To the Authorities Investigating the Amount of Toxins I Was Pretty Casually Mailing Around the Country

It turns out that (thanks to the glue-based products I was having the most success selling), for a couple days at least, in terms of sheer mind-wrecking potential, I accidentally became the biggest drug dealer in the country. So this is just a quick note of apology (my bad) to the good folks in law enforcement who had to work through their weekends to protect the country from my little caper. I hate to take you away from your families like that, and I can only imagine the horror you felt when you were exposed to the fumes and all the shorn hair clippings in my crafting layer.

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"It's like the whole room just went through puberty."

And I'm also sorry that you went to all that effort without catching me. It turns out that ingesting nothing but glue and my own pubic hair gave me an increased sense of local space-time, and I was able to foresee your raid by a few minutes and make my escape. The only way I knew how.

To the Single Lucky Customer Who Didn't Order The Bucholz Express But Got It Anyway

I'm sorry for arriving on your doorstep in a cardboard box, naked but for some strategically applied glitter paint.

BananaStock/Getty Images
It wasn't a great strategy, if I'm being honest.

I'm also sorry for, in order, overpowering you with my freakish glue strength, shaving you, covering you in glitter paint, attempting to huff you, photographing you, and then selling you on Etsy as my latest objet d'art, with the proposed title ETSY! ETTTTTTTSY! I'M COMING FOR YOU.

Chris Bucholz is a Cracked columnist and is coming for you. Join him on Facebook or Twitter to update your current address.

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