Bad news for the economy yesterday, which was a surprising change of pace from all the awful news we’ve been getting lately. The National Bureau of Economic Research (they’re awesome guys) announced that yes Virgina, there really is a recession. Although no-one anywhere admits to being surprised by this news, Wall Street collectively was surprised and proceeded to lose their shit, sending the Dow down 680 points.
If you’re the average Cracked reader (re: Ziploc-bag-fetishist/occasional Sears catalog model) none of those above words will make a lick of sense to you. Seeing as I’m Cracked.com’s official Overseas/Heroes/Olympics/Financial Canadian Correspondent, and also because I’ve recently been instructed to write articles that are really unpopular, I’m here to shed some light on these confusing time.
Ok, first what’s a recession?
Much like breasts, economies can never be too large, which is why it’s important that they’re always slowly growing, and one of a few reasons why we’re so disappointed that breasts don’t. A recession then is simply a period when an economy stops growing and instead shrinks. Recessions are generally accompanied by rising unemployment, books by John Steinbeck, and a general lack of Good Times.
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So should I rush out and buy a big screen television then to save the economy?
Unless that television is 400 billion dollars, I’d suggest you keep your powder dry, tiger. This is a bigger problem than you. That said it’s not a horrible idea, and gets right to the heart of the matter: American’s are good at consuming things. In fact, it’s probably the one thing you do better than anyone else in the world.* Something like 70% of the American economy is simply you guys buying stuff from each other, or increasingly often, the Chinese. When you stop buying things, the economy slows down, and indeed that’s exactly what’s happening now.
*Your donuts are excellent as well, I’ll add.
Here’s the rub though: What if you need that money to eat? You’ll feel like a real ass if you go drop eight hundred bones at The Sharper Image only to lose your job in the spring. It will feel like a noose tightening around your neck every morning as you brush your teeth with your talking astrolabe toothbrush. So unless you’re really sure your job is safe, it might be wisest to just sock that money away in whatever you traditionally sock things away in (bank account, coffee can, sock.)
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So is there any way out of this?
Not an easy way, no. The traditional way to get out of a recession involves the government spending a shit-ton of money on things, preferably big, expensive, durable things. Something that will take a lot of people to build and be useful in the future. Bridges for example, as opposed to hand-jobs. Not to say that 10 billion hand jobs might not take the edge off for everyone over the next few months, but there wouldn’t be much to show for it in the end, aside from a country full of cramped wrists and awkward silences.
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Where would the government get that money?
Search me. Where did you get the money to invade Iraq?
A less glib answer is the government runs a deficit for awhile, spending more money than it takes in from taxes, and covering the difference by borrowing money from somewhere. The idea being that it will pay the money back in better times - a theory that is right up there with “girls will like you if you just be yourself” in terms of feasibility.
Still, the worst thing that can happen by running up a national debt is that it will place a burden on future generations - your children and children’s children etc… That’s certainly a concern, but the prevailing wisdom has recently taken a turn towards “yeah, well what have those little shits done for us lately?”
If you’re curious, it’s quirky little “fuck the children” moments like this that make the American economy so amusing.
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Where does the government borrow the money from?
From anyone who will give it to them. Even you, Mr. Money bags. The main way they do this is by issuing Treasury Securities, which you can think of as imaginary pieces of paper which say “I.O.U., Uncle Sam. P.S. thanks buddy.” Like I said, you can buy these yourself if you want, and many individual investors do. Realistically though, most are sold to funds and banks and governments - people with a lot more money than you and (arguably) more sense.
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What’s a Depression then? Are we going to go in to one of those? Will there be soup lines? Will the soup be tasty?
“Depression” is a pretty nebulously defined word, and essentially means “really bad recession,” or “oh shit.” No-one’s suggesting the US is in one of those yet, and few are saying it’s possible. So I don’t really know. If you find yourself eating more soup than normal or seriously considering jobs involving the picking of fruit, then go ahead and call it a Depression. I won’t stop you.
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What about the car companies? Is this why they’re struggling?
That’s right. Ford, GM and Chrysler are all on the verge of bankruptcy and are maybe only a couple months away from going tits up. A prospect which could potentially cost three million people their jobs, once you consider all of the companies that supply them with parts, who would also suffer. No-one wants three million people to lose their jobs (unless they’re dicks) so a bailout for the auto makers has been discussed with some seriousness over the last few weeks by men with shirts and offices.
Using government money to prop up an existing company with existing jobs is generally a better idea than spending it on bridges or handjobs as above, but there’s a particular snag with the automakers: they’re just horribly, horribly run companies. A full detailing of their woes would go a bit beyond the scope of a Cracked article (If you hadn’t noticed, I’m already stretching my Cracked writer’s mandate here just a whisker.) Suffice to say they have huge structural problems and there’s no guarantee that within the next year they wouldn’t fall apart like a dildo made of shredded newspaper anyways.
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You don’t have a lot of answers. Is there anything you do recommend?
I’ve been told that I heartily recommend any one of the fine products and services our advertisers are offering just above and to the right of this article. Also, I would like to add for the benefit of any search engines that happen to be strolling by, “tina fey nude” fellas. Come get some.
Last 5 posts by Chris Bucholz
- Cracked's New Year's Resolutions - January 6th, 2009
- The Lament of the Hardcore Wii owner - December 23rd, 2008
- Shoe Attack Lesson #1: Bush Has Mortal Kombat Reflexes - December 16th, 2008
- The TRUTH about why Obama can't be President - December 9th, 2008
- The 20 Stupidest GI Joe Vehicles Ever - November 25th, 2008
January 6th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
It may very well be the case that recessions are caused by people not spending. If that’s true, the next question is: “where is all this money that is not being spent?” The answer is: “In the hands of a few thousand incredibly rich looters of the commonwealth”.
The root problem is inequality - all the money is tied up in the hands of a very few people, so most of the people are having trouble making the house payments.
The solution is:
a) tax the rich, and spend it on nfrastructure
b) raise the minimum wage, for God’s sake, and ignore the boo-hooing by all the business owners whining that they will have to close up shop. They wont: the’ll make do.
December 16th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
sucks for everyone in those funny COLORed places. And just something thats been bugging me…everyone says americans are fat…even Americans, but I’m less than 6 percent body fat, and i’ve only ever met a handfull of people that were more than 15%…granted they were all around 35%-45% sooo is that “fact” based on averages of the percentages, which would make sense i suppose…anyone want to shed some light on this for me?
December 12th, 2008 at 2:03 am
Do not underestimate the audiences of cracked….Though I am in Junior College and that’s not saying much. Go economics and Poly Sci!…And Hand jobs!
December 11th, 2008 at 9:46 am
Nah, Canadians and, come to that, the rest of the world (the weirdly coloured bits on the atlas, where they spell things funny- like colour) all have valid input, because when the USA sneezes, the rest of us die of plague.
December 9th, 2008 at 11:39 am
You forget
you’re Canadian!!! thus your argument is invalid!
December 7th, 2008 at 7:20 am
NO nude tina fey!fuck you search engine!
December 4th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
Fair enough, McGarm. My only point was that people should be able to choose whatever cars they want, based on their own evaluation of the merits of each particular car. Some people will make choices that I would not have made (see, e.g., anyone who spends $200,000 on a car, unless said car transforms into a dinosaur that breath fire and eat other cars), but on the whole, people will generally make good decisions. You know, just like they do with tv programs.
… Wait, According to Jim is off the air, right? Awww, crap.
Anyway, all things being equal, it would certainly be wiser for people to choose cars with better gas mileage. But all things are not equal, so I would prefer to make that decision for myself, and I trust people to make their own decisions for themselves.
But you seem to have figured that out without my preachy, repetitive comments, so I’ll shut up now.
December 4th, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Comish, the point of my response was that everyone has to get a vehicle according to their needs. If your family require a full size SUV to travel together, that is fine.
What about the shorter people who really don’t need it? Would it be wiser to pick a vehicle with better Gas Mileage?
I am aware that not everywhere has concrete, as a rural Midwest resident. Nearest town is only a few thousand residents.
The situation I was refering to was suburbs and city. Do you need a large engine and lots of horsepower to get around? (If your hauling stuff, yes. If the heaviest thing your doing is loading groceries, probably not.)
“Obviously, the term “soccer mom” implies kids. And their friends. And a family’s worth of groceries for the weekly shopping run. And toting the entire soccer team to away games.”
Damn you cars.com for proving that the compact SUV’s get about the same mileage as mini vans! Anyway, mid-size to larger ones seem to be needlessly wasteful.
“Not a damned thing. In fact, the sooner they go under the better. Then they can restructure, get out from under the crushing union contracts, and become more competitive. Maybe spend some money on making better cars for a change.”
Yes, giving into the unions was a bad idea. Even worse was building up a stock of vehicles that no one wants. So it’s a combination of things.
“When they’re imposed by 535 people who have no clue how to build cars or how they actually work, yeah. Do you like people telling you how to do your job “better” who couldn’t even understand the first thing about it? It makes no sense.”
Actually, I have one of those as a partner in my electrical motors class. He is supposed to have an idea of what we’re doing, and yet, he doesn’t. I just simply continue working, knowing that he’s wrong and finish the job. You learn to cope with such people. Granted, he doesn’t have an option on whether to pass or fail my product, but a demonstration of it should put fears to rest.
And again, having extra people examine a design may help get a thought process going that might help find a flaw. And nothing goes as planned when you release a product into the marketplace.
“If you find it so, then more power to you. The point is, people will generally do what they believe to be in their best interests. If “green” tech saves money or makes things better for people, they won’t be able to keep the stuff in stock. But you can’t give the government the power to dictate what people buy any more than you should give them the power to decide which businesses get bailed out and which go bankrupt. It’s a horrific perversion of the principles upon which this whole country is based.”
I agree, there should be limits to what the government can do. Quite simply if the Big 3 keep making mistakes, no one will be buying their products. And in a decade or two a new generation that grew up in a globalized world will take over government and have a somewhat better idea of how to handle such things.
December 4th, 2008 at 3:25 pm
MrGarm13:
“Why would someone buy a vehicle designed for off roading when there is concrete every where?”
Leaving aside the issue of whether today’s SUVs are actually designed for off roading (they’re not), if you can’t imagine why anyone would want an SUV, then you’re not trying hard enough.
For starters, not everyone lives in New York City where there is “concrete everywhere.”
Second, sometimes that concrete is covered with other substances, like snow and ice.
Third, although most people usually intend to stay on the road, not everyone is always able to do so.
Fourth, if I’m going to run into a tree — oh, wait, those have all been covered up in concrete, so let’s go with a wall — I’d rather be in a Tahoe than a Camry.
Fifth, I grew up in a family with three brothers, all of whom are now over 6 feet tall. Try driving us to baseball practice in a Prius. We wouldn’t fit.
Sixth, boning. Let’s say you meet a girl in a bar, and she’s just drunk enough to agree to go home with you. (For purposes of this example, she’s very, very, very drunk.) So you take her to your vcar, and she takes one look at your van with no windows and refuses to get in. So once again, you have to use your ether-soaked rag. And those ether fumes are bad for the environment. With a styling SUV, you wouldn’t have to use nearly as much ether.
It would be super if everyone had exactly the same values as you, but that’s just not the case. That’s why other people get to choose their own cars. You wouldn’t want them choosing your car, would you?
December 4th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
“The traditional way to get out of a recession involves the government spending a shit-ton of money on things, preferably big, expensive, durable things. Something that will take a lot of people to build and be useful in the future.”
That is the “traditional” method insofar as it was used during the Great Depression. But those type of public works projects actually *extended* the Depression by several years. Governments spending all that money to build bridges and stuff actually made things worse.
The thing to do is remember that these are business cycles. Don’t freak out. Eventually things will get cheaper, which will spur more businesses (and individuals) to buy stuff, which will cause the market to go up again. And then before long, we’ll be spending ourselves into another tizzy, which will cause us to go into another recession.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Brilliant. Mr. Bucholz.
Your talent is wasted as a humour writer. Please try to pass an economics degree or 2, whilst skipping all the brainwashing lectures.
This is one occasion I heartily suggest cheating during exams.
December 4th, 2008 at 10:09 am
“Ah, so that explains the rage against everyone and everything.”
Correcting mistakes is now classified as “rage?” Whoah, guess I’m headed to a re-education camp soon.
“Soccer moms are buying 4X4 vehicles to drive around by themselves.”
Obviously, the term “soccer mom” implies kids. And their friends. And a family’s worth of groceries for the weekly shopping run. And toting the entire soccer team to away games. Do you read what you’ve written before hitting “submit?” Oops, I guess pointing out the obvious might be construed as “rage.”
“Is there something wrong with holding people to standards?:
When they’re imposed by 535 people who have no clue how to build cars or how they actually work, yeah. Do you like people telling you how to do your job “better” who couldn’t even understand the first thing about it? It makes no sense.
” With the auto makers stock prices at extremely low prices, what exactly is stopping them from being taken over?”
Not a damned thing. In fact, the sooner they go under the better. Then they can restructure, get out from under the crushing union contracts, and become more competitive. Maybe spend some money on making better cars for a change.
“Also that economically, going a little green is better than just being wasteful.”
If you find it so, then more power to you. The point is, people will generally do what they believe to be in their best interests. If “green” tech saves money or makes things better for people, they won’t be able to keep the stuff in stock. But you can’t give the government the power to dictate what people buy any more than you should give them the power to decide which businesses get bailed out and which go bankrupt. It’s a horrific perversion of the principles upon which this whole country is based.
December 4th, 2008 at 8:09 am
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December 4th, 2008 at 5:44 am
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December 4th, 2008 at 3:46 am
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December 4th, 2008 at 12:28 am
Yes, I see him CavalierX. It’s sad that they can’t see times when such things are necessary. Drunken, borderline retarded Libertarian he is.
“I’m an unaffiliated Conservative. The Republicans piss me off almost as much as the Democrats these days.”
Ah, so that explains the rage against everyone and everything.
“Depends on my needs and location. Kids? Harsh winters? are you suggesting I should not be able to choose the car I want for whatever reasons I want it?”
That is my point about people. Soccer moms are buying 4X4 vehicles to drive around by themselves. Why would someone buy a vehicle designed for off roading when there is concrete every where?
“Like CAFE standards, yeah.”
Is there something wrong with holding people to standards? Granted companies now have a bare minimum that they have to do in order for it to work, but it can always be worse. Which the big 3 now do if you talk to some of the workers.
(Cheap car parts, 800 dollars a chair for management.)
With the auto makers stock prices at extremely low prices, what exactly is stopping them from being taken over?
Also, let’s get away from the enviroment thing, I was pointing out that I don’t care about the enviroment when you called me a “Green Party Stooge.” Some how, a tangent was started with that. Also that economically, going a little green is better than just being wasteful.
December 4th, 2008 at 12:14 am
The recession is simply God’s way of saying that you’ve been living too high on the hog. It’s time to take stock and focus on what’s important in life like impacting those who need. Let others around you bask in the light of community in these challenging times and celebrating the birth of the savior. You’ll have a chance to do that in a few weeks only with a lot less presents under the tree. Rejoice!
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:28 pm
I agree with navanod : we totally have bigger co- i mean economy, economy!
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:00 pm
Hard times indeed. I have taken it upon myself to cure my recession woes with a brilliant initiative! http://www.givegrantsomemoney.com Act now and get a signed pciture of my ass!
December 3rd, 2008 at 7:20 pm
“I’m already stretching my Cracked writer’s mandate here just a whisker”…”fall apart like a dildo made of shredded newspaper”. No, you just took that mandate to a whole new level.
December 3rd, 2008 at 6:24 pm
It’s great to have you back cavalierX! Also, maybe if GM does go under the government could hire unemployed UAW members to give above mentioned handjobs.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:39 pm
DONUTS AND DONUTS ONLY WILL SAVE THE ECONOMY!!!!!!
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Basically, a recession is a natural process the economy goes through every several years. It’s happend hundreds of times, and most people here probably never even noticed.
I have few worries. Things suck now, but they’ve sucked worse before.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:31 pm
You got linked to on WhatReallyHappened! Nice job eh, fellow Canadian!
Don’t feel bad about the negative comments. They are just jealous Canada is a much better country… and by “much better country”, I mean “have way bigger cocks”.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
“Jack H Says:
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:48 pm ”
See that, MrGarm13? Now THAT’S a Ron Paul Libertarian if I ever saw one.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:48 pm
Recession is caused by paper money and the illegal Federal Reserve which are both prime examples of the infringement on our rights.
Add it to the ever-growing list of violations:
They violate the 1st Amendment by opening mail, caging demonstrators and banning books like “America Deceived” from Amazon, Wikipedia and Facebook.
They violate the 2nd Amendment by confiscating guns during Katrina.
They violate the 4th Amendment by conducting warrant-less wiretaps.
They violate the 5th and 6th Amendment by suspending habeas corpus.
They violate the 8th Amendment by torturing at Gitmo.
They violate the entire Constitution by starting illegal wars without declaration.
Impeach them all (both parties) and save this great country.
Last link (unless Google Books caves to the gov’t and drops the title):
http://www.iuniverse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000083883
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:40 pm
[...] <read the rest here> [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
“Other than that, what are you if your not Libertarian?”
I’m an unaffiliated Conservative. The Republicans piss me off almost as much as the Democrats these days.
“You can loan someone money without telling them what to do with it.”
I could, and you could, but the Federal government cannot. Every dollar has a network of strings attached.
“Central planning would be telling them “Build this car to these design specs.”
Like CAFE standards, yeah.
“It seems we’re bailing them out to see if they can sink or swim on their own.”
Obviously they cannot, which is why they want a bailout. And then they’ll get another, and another.
“Eventually some other company will absorb them, no matter what the government says.”
Why would they sell out to another company, when they can keep getting infusions of tax money to stay afloat? The unions will use their influence with the Dems to make sure they keep paying, because bankruptcy would allow the companies to restructure their deals with those unions. Can’t have that.
“our value systems are fragged to hell. We no longer consider logic essential to living. American’s have no idea that something bad may happen in the future.”
Can’t disagree with that. But an all-powerful nanny state doing our thinking for us is NOT the answer.
“Also, If you had to pick between a van and an SUV, which would you pick?”
Depends on my needs and location. Kids? Harsh winters? are you suggesting I should not be able to choose the car I want for whatever reasons I want it?
“Why would the enviroment need our help?”
It doesn’t. Frankly, the earth is — as the tree-huggers have said — like a living organism. It regulates its own temperature and so on according to cycles triggered by responsive heating and cooling mechanisms. When things heat up, a cooling response is triggered and vice-versa. The earth was around long before us and will outlast us. We have less effect on the environment then natural processes do. I’m talking about normal living, not polluting, which IS something that needs to be cut down. And you might want to talk to China about that shit LONG before you get around to telling me what car I’m allowed to buy.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:53 pm
Well-written article, Bucholz. Nice to see somebody able to discuss economic issues without getting all flustered like a nervous chihuahua.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:18 pm
“That crazy nutter was ignored by me, too. You lose the “insult CavalierX by defining him” game. Try again. Better yet, either address my points or don’t say anything at all.”
Hmm, You seem to have nothing against the Fed and only against the bailouts.
I agree some taxes are pointless.
Other than that, what are you if your not Libertarian?
“No, it isn’t. Central planning of the economy ruins the economy. Ask the Soviet Union. Oh, wait; you can’t.”
You can loan someone money without telling them what to do with it. Central planning would be telling them “Build this car to these design specs. And we’re going to replace your people with our people.”
It seems we’re bailing them out to see if they can sink or swim on their own. Eventually some other company will absorb them, no matter what the government says.
Then again, keeping America’s car companies afloat might be a kind of propaganda move to keep the illusion that America is a leader in the world.
“In case you missed the point, we Americans each get to determine “the best way of living” for ourselves, and don’t need to listen to finger-wagging lectures from a prissy, prune-faced Green Party stooge.”
And I pointed out our value systems are fragged to hell. We no longer consider logic essential to living. American’s have no idea that something bad may happen in the future.
“I have a job and my girlfriend broke up with me, I don’t need school anymore. I’ll drop out of school.” That is an actual example of someone I know. That was most likely his thought process. And now he’s got a herniated disc in his back and can’t work.
Also, If you had to pick between a van and an SUV, which would you pick? The van, or would you want to be styling in your SUV? Form or Function? Which do you pick?
And do not try and define me. I am green as in, I like to have money. Fancy clothes serve little purpose. Newest styles, what is the point? Function over form.
Why am I considering geothermal in my house? Because it will save on heating, not because it will help the enviroment.
Why do I wish to bring in Solar electricty to my house? Because it will help with energy costs.
Why would the enviroment need our help? Mankind has spent the past centuries looking for a way to beat the enviroment. Why help it now?
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:13 am
I’m with you kingmonkey, but I think that this bitching will be going on for a while. Unless they get Cavalier X to shut up, which I doubt.
December 3rd, 2008 at 11:02 am
“Seeing as I’m Cracked.com’s official Overseas/Heroes/Olympics/Financial Canadian Correspondent…”
Canada’s not overseas from the US.
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:43 am
the upside is i can finally afford a house!
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:42 am
I’ll go….
damn typos
December 3rd, 2008 at 10:28 am
I go kingmonkey, donuts and coffee make the world go round.
@Classic Schmoo
Who’s living beyond their means? The people who can afford the SUV’s and the church. People don’t give to churches or charity if they don’t have enough money to do so. I think that their lifestyle is well within their means. Perhaps not your means, but thats your problem.
And please, lets not start invoking the name of Obama when talking about weath envy. Obama is a rich ass mother fucker.
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:40 am
now that’s infotainment!
December 3rd, 2008 at 9:15 am
It may not be a top ten list but seriously, good article.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:36 am
You guys feel free to keep the bitching alive. I’m gonna pop out for a donut and coffee. I’ll be back when you’re done. Anyone feel like joining me?
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:25 am
I just found some of she photos on another rich woman seeking fun site****** W e a l t h y s o u l M a t e .C O M ********** , but my question is what he is doing with such a service.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:23 am
Ranting and raging comments to a topical article? No. I refuse to believe it’s possible.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:21 am
OWNED
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:17 am
As an American who has less than $4,000.00 in savings and owns an SUV, I’ve gotta say I’m with Glendoor and Homer Simpson on this one.
DONUTS…mmmmmmm….aghghllll(drools)
PS. Enormous boobies are only fun for others, not the people who actually have them attached to their bodies.
December 3rd, 2008 at 8:14 am
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December 3rd, 2008 at 8:05 am
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December 3rd, 2008 at 5:56 am
Just what we need…. some whore named Jess bitching.
December 3rd, 2008 at 5:09 am
Just what we need… A fucking canadian giving us a lecture.
December 3rd, 2008 at 4:40 am
Federal Reserve Witch vs Prune-Faced Green Party Stooge.
Coming to a cinema near you.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:28 am
For GOD’S SAKE, what is WRONG with you people!? Can’t you see that we’re facing a severe CRISIS here? The world is in peril and all you can do is bicker about “recession” this and “donut” that? Why are we not examining the true issue here!?
Why is nothing being done about the Federal Reserve Witch!?
This cackling hag has been sodomizing the ecomony and kidnapping our babies for the last 300 years! Even as I type this, she is sending legions, LEGIONS people, of Federal Reserve locusts to eat our crops and raise CEO salaries. You want DONUTS? There ain’t gonna BE any DONUTS!
On a related note, I have invented a combination pitchfork and torch, which I call the “Pitchtorch” (Patent Pending), which will enable us to storm the FRW’s forest lair with one hand free. Anyone who doesn’t buy one is a terrorist, there I said it.
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:14 am
“Hey, don’t pick on CavalierX, he’s probably just a bitter Libertarian since Ron Paul was ignored by the media.”
That crazy nutter was ignored by me, too. You lose the “insult CavalierX by defining him” game. Try again. Better yet, either address my points or don’t say anything at all.
“Attempting to help keep millions of people employed, that is a place for government.”
No, it isn’t. Central planning of the economy ruins the economy. Ask the Soviet Union. Oh, wait; you can’t.
“But on the other hand, Americans having determined that being fat, lazy, ignorant, and driving vehicles the size of tanks 90 miles per hour is the best way of living, cost to the Earth and Nation be damned.”
In case you missed the point, we Americans each get to determine “the best way of living” for ourselves, and don’t need to listen to finger-wagging lectures from a prissy, prune-faced Green Party stooge.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:56 am
[...] The American Recession as Explained By a Canadian: “Much like breasts, economies can never be too large, which is why it’s important that they’re always slowly growing, and one of a few reasons why we’re so disappointed that breasts don’t.” [...]
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:51 am
We Americans like to spend money on things like churches and SUVs. For the past 3 years a church down my street has been undergoing a 20 million dollar renovation. For what? To add a bigger lobby and a fucking gold statue in the front. Then on Sunday, everyone drives their goddamn SUVs to that godforsaken Death Star of a church. Then they drive back to their upper middle class homes and try to buy more and more expensive shit, so they can somehow feel that they’ve made it. Obama was right, we have been living beyond our means.
December 3rd, 2008 at 2:36 am
BWM - “No, blowing money does not grow an economy and, no, not saving money does not slow an economy down (that’s actually backwards).”
You’re saying that (using your own words) saving money “grows”* the economy and spending money slows the economy? I was always taught that spending money put more money into the economy, not the other way around. Mind you, this isn’t the “spending money that I don’t have” kind of spending that Americans are so fond of (more than one credit card in use at once, etc), but buying stuff that you can afford.
* - God, I hate the usage of the word “grow” nowadays: “Grow your business”, “grow this”, “grow that”…makes me sad that the English language is not important to most people now.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:55 am
Glazed donuts from Krispy Kreme are good too when they’re hot and fresh…….but not as good as the chocolate ones.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:43 am
This article needed that picture of the girls cleavage that keeps getting recycled at Cracked. I like that picture. I like it a lot.
Otherwise, good job.
More articles like this please.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:40 am
The most disgusting cyst exploding ever. Why do I keep watching this shit?
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=152ecd0daac6d655352c
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:26 am
Hey, don’t pick on CavalierX, he’s probably just a bitter Libertarian since Ron Paul was ignored by the media. Or he’s an anarchist, either way, he’s channeling Lew Rockwell only without blaming Jews for everything. (Ah Ron Paul, you can’t keep track of a Newsletter in your name, seems someone needs to learn some responsibility.)
Don’t get me wrong, the government has it’s places, invading peoples personal lives for no reason is not one.
Attempting to help keep millions of people employed, that is a place for government.
Granted, if the American auto companies fore saw a spike in gas prices would punt consumers in the balls, they would have focused on fuel effieciency.
But on the other hand, Americans having determined that being fat, lazy, ignorant, and driving vehicles the size of tanks 90 miles per hour is the best way of living, cost to the Earth and Nation be damned.
Basically, we went too far too fast and suddenly we are surprised when we end up clotheslined.
December 3rd, 2008 at 12:09 am
i completely agree with the first comment (waffle’s)
nice article
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:26 pm
Nice article. As a fellow Canadian, I find your ability to tell Americans what they re doing wrong inspiring.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:20 pm
And BWM, that’s not correct either. You are in a recession if teh GDP has contracted for two consecutive quarters. That’s the technical definition of a recession, and it’s as simple as that. Some consider that to be worse than a simple recession, some better, but it still constitutes the definition of a recession. Furthermore, more spending and less saving do help move away from a recession, as does more government spending (in certain economic circumstances). Admittedly the US is a different case than virtually every other economy in the world because of it’s market power, so I can’t say whether it is in a position where government would be effective (though governments generally think that that is the best stimulus). So no the article is not wrong, just incomplete (your point about insane deficits and inflation are absolutely correct).
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 pm
I think advising people to squirrel their money away is unwise, sorry. The United States Government has taken many steps towards fixing this problem, but to no avail. This is mainly due to the fact that Americans are scared and aren’t spending as much money. That just hurts the economy. To feed society’s economic fears is to harm more than you help. One of the main causes of the Great Depression was panic. Therefore, it would be smart of Americans not to alter their spending habits. The economy needs a boost.
Oh and also, buying most electronics won’t help the economy at all. Most of them are foreign imports, which means that most of the electronics bought during this past Black Friday didn’t boost our economy, they boosted China’s.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:09 pm
No Loknar, the actual definition of a recession is 2 consecutive quarters (6 months) of negative GDP growth. People may think that it’s as good as being in a recession to not have more than 4% growth, but that’s not correct. As for a depression, as the article said, it’s a very poorly defined term. There are no specific criteria. It’s basically just a prolonged recession. But that definition is also problematic because there’s no set time for how long a recession will last (it depends on the strength of the economy, what actions if any are taken to end it, etc). So in the case of the great depression, you’re talking about a 6 plus year period. In hindsight we call it a depression, but in the midst of one it’s difficult to determine whether it is or will become a depression, because in a way that’s a word that can only be applied retroactively.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Sorry, but…yeah, virtually the entire article is wrong. No, we are not in a recession (which is what they now call “Depressions”; there really isn’t a difference, they just changed the wording so now it’s impossible to blame anyone for causing a depression after the 1930’s because they don’t exist). No, blowing money does not grow an economy and, no, not saving money does not slow an economy down (that’s actually backwards). And, finally, no, the government spending money will not do anything good, and in fact, is not how any recession has ever been ended, ever. The Big Three are NOT horribly run companies, they are just screwed by having the most stringent laws and tax structures placed on them in the world. And for the record, huge deficits screw us now; they cause what’s called “inflation”, which is the culprit right now for causing, in real terms, our savings accounts to actually LOSE money, seeing as how the interest rate is below the inflation rate.
Oh, and actually, there is something we can do; tell the government to stop screwing up and spending fortunes we don’t have. Massive inflation and government failures (because, come on, politicians are clearly insane) cause more damage than anything individual companies or people could do. I’m glad someone is writing an article about this to people who might not usually read about the economy, but it’s not much help when it’s about as accurate as using children’s books to draft company policy.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:16 pm
Hmm.. I don’t want to sound boring but you got it wrong at the definition of Recession. The generally accepted definition of economic Recession is that growth is lower than 4% during an extended period of time - not a contraction of the GDP like you implied. That would be a Depression.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:08 pm
This, like most stuff written by our neighbors to the north, can be summed up as
tl;dr
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:57 pm
When everyone starts to agree that government IS THE PROBLEM, and NOT THE SOLUTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The world will be a better place. Great article, very funny.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:56 pm
good job
Benchley did a nice explanation of the economy back in the late 20s or early 30s - one of you guys should look it up.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:52 pm
Cool. I can remotely understand what’s going on now. Thank you.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:49 pm
Oh Bucholz, you’re doing a moderately successful job of filling the void Gladstone left. Seriously, you’ve totally stepped up your game these past few months as Gladstone was preparing to leave, and I’m glad. Cracked needs its funny, and you’re supplying it like many Americans cannot.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:32 pm
you hot that talking astrolabe thing from the simpsons.
other than that, nice job.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 pm
Very nice. I liked it.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:09 pm
I got a B in my college econ class, can I chime in?? I mean, I never bought the book, and the only thing I remember is that there was a girl who always ate crunchy things during class and made me want to beat her to death with her own shoes, but whatever. Oh, and my friend wanted to do the teacher. I remember that too. But I’m qualified, right??
Man, I want a doughnut.
(Before the inevitable comments come about my misspelling the word “genius”, allow me to state for the record that it was, in fact, a joke. You know, to make a dig at my utter lack of knowledge. And it made me giggle. Now I feel sad that I felt I had to clarify. Sigh.)
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Lisa Simpson gets a miPhone…!
http://www.tokillfor.com/view_video.php?viewkey=cd1b75d69c3ab8804198&page=1&viewtype=&category=mr
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:46 pm
I kinda like the idea of big corporations DYING and BURNING
but then again I am a communist
December 2nd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Nice article. A hearty blend of humor and knowledge. Kudos.
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Expletive! Generic [Outrage/Applause] (Delete as desired)
Really, though, It’s quite nice to see this sort of thing coming from Cracked, an excellent mix of sincerity and humour.
If this sort of thing is ’stretching the mandate’, I humbly suggest that said mandate be changed.
Good work.
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:24 pm
I like donuts, especially chocolate covered glazed ones.
December 2nd, 2008 at 6:12 pm
“Mostly because we’ve been running a deficit for several years now. It’s called having Republicans in office.”
History began for you in 2000, didn’t it? Deficit spending has been around for decades. Both sides have done it.
“In order to pay for stuff the government traditionally pays for, though, they need to get money somewhere, so they borrow from other countries.”
Hey, here’s a revolutionary idea: stop spending so much money. I mean, how many trillions are we giving fatcat execs to have their spa holidays, now? When you look at your paycheck and realise it won’t cover your expenses, you try to cut down on your expenses, right? That’s just common sense.
“Democrats, meanwhile, believe that if the government is spending money, it should spend money that it, you know, HAS. So they raise taxes to acquire that money.”
You just admitted that government does NOT have money. They have to take it away from the people who earn it.
“When Clinton left office, we had the highest budget surplus in the country’s history”
God, I’m tired of that lie. There was never an actual penny of “surplus.” There was a PROJECTED surplus for ten years in the future, only IF government spending did not increase, and IF Social Security was included in the budget.
“I’m not trying to attack Republicans here, I’m just saying…”
Funny how the economy was growing like a weed until the Democrats took over Congress, which controls spending, in 2006. But I’m not trying to attack Democrats here, I’m just saying… BOTH SIDES SPEND TOO DAMN MUCH.
December 2nd, 2008 at 5:36 pm
Hey, DanMan,
read up on Keynesism and how it’s applied. John Keynes was perhaps the greatest economist, and a famous Cambridge academic of the 20th century. He got America out of the last Great Depression with his principles, and helped construct the Marshall Plan. He also aided postwar Britain manage it’s economy.
He was a pretty cool guy.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Well said, Guest_Name. Everyone’s an expert on the internet forums.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:28 pm
Yeah, you know that whole “the country runs a deficit for awhile and blah blah blah” part of the article? I don’t think that’ll work this time. Mostly because we’ve been running a deficit for several years now. It’s called having Republicans in office. And I’m NOT just saying that as a Democrat trying to burn them. That’s actually how they do things. You know why everyone makes fun of Democrats for raising taxes, and why they say Republicans never do? It’s because Republicans don’t want to raise taxes. They know that people don’t like raised taxes, so they won’t do it. In order to pay for stuff the government traditionally pays for, though, they need to get money somewhere, so they borrow from other countries. The reason other countries lend us money is because–and this part is important, so pay attention–THE GOVERNMENT CAN COLLECT TAXES TO PAY THEM BACK. It’s a self-defeating prophecy, really. Democrats, meanwhile, believe that if the government is spending money, it should spend money that it, you know, HAS. So they raise taxes to acquire that money. It’s not pleasant, but um…look where the other way has gotten us. And I know other, smarter people have said this before, but I think it bears repeating:
When Clinton left office, we had the highest budget surplus in the country’s history, and least the national debt. Within ONE YEAR of Bush taking office, that surplus was completely gone and our debt was incredible. Nowadays, we have the highest national debt in the country’s history, and with the way the economy is, it’s not gonna get better soon.
I’m not trying to attack Republicans here, I’m just saying…
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I have yet to see any tina fey nude pictures
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Comments section logic:
1) Economists read books.
2) I read a book once.
3) I am an expert on economics! I must share my knowledge with the world!
Thanks, Bucholtz.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I believe I have solved the economy problem…you like our donuts? please feel free to come here and buy $100 billion worth, come on you know you want to….
economy problem solved.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I would love to see more of this kind of article. fuck the writers mandate. I combined information with slight humor very well.
and fuck recessions….
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:06 pm
“Rich or poor, the less taxes you pay, the more money you have, the more you spend. The more you spend the more revenue is produced, and the more revenue that is produced in turns get’s taxed. Lower tax rates, but higher government revenue of the better business. Obviously there is a floor to this idea, in that a tax rate of 1% would be counter productive.”
Exactly. It goes back to the Laffer Curve.
http://www.investopedia.com/terms/l/laffercurve.asp
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
@Taephit
Actually, 54% of the populace voted AGAINST the conservatives. But i do agree the coalition’s evil. Liberal and NDP? No fuckin’ way.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:02 pm
PM Dirac, maybe we’ll apologise for Nickleback when you return our beloved Alan Thicke!! Did you ever think of that?!?
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:54 pm
*Bitchbitchbitcheconomybitchbitchbitch.*
Everyone needs to stop acting like they’re a financial expert and just get this guy a donut already, he wrote a great article.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Maybe one of the American writers can explain to us Canadians how it is that our Government is being highjacked by an evil cabal despite what the populace voted for.
Americans have more experience on having elections and governments being stolen and might be able to give us some helpful tips on dealing with our soon to be evil overlords.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:52 pm
Wow, X you got bussy before I could get in there.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:51 pm
they shouldn’t eliminate taxes, merely lower them. also selling bonds is bad, taxes reduce the amount of money being contributed to a country’s GDP, bonds do about the same thing. that is known as the “Ricardian Equivalence.” Another downside to selling bonds is that they raise interest rates which would discourage investment spending. so it’s really up the to Federal Reserve to increase the amount of money in the economy. The has doubled the amount of money in the economy since August so it seems they are taking steps in the right direction, the only question now is if that will lead to inflation later on.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:43 pm
@CavalierX
It sounds like somebody needs their N-A-P (if you say “nap” he starts screaming that he’s not tired).
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:40 pm
[...] – The American Recession explained by a Canadian [Cracked] [...]
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:36 pm
If I may?
I believe Cavalier X was making us of hyperbole when he said eliminate taxes. You know, making a ridiculous stretch in order to make a point.
Anyway, that said, yes I think it would do everyone well to lower taxes on everyone. Rich or poor, the less taxes you pay, the more money you have, the more you spend. The more you spend the more revenue is produced, and the more revenue that is produced in turns get’s taxed. Lower tax rates, but higher government revenue of the better business. Obviously there is a floor to this idea, in that a tax rate of 1% would be counter productive.
And, known fact, rich people (all people for that matter) want to make even more money. In a growing economy one can make money by investing in growing business. Rich people can invest in these companies, helping the company to grow, and in turn produce more jobs.
And the bush tax cuts didn’t just go to the Rich, they went to everyone. The only reason some people didn’t get a “tax cut” is that they probably don’t pay income taxes to begin with. The bottom 40% of wage earners don’t pay income tax, however they do pay social security taxes. So when you apply a universal income tax cut, naturally those who don’t pay income tax don’t get a cut.
I hope that makes sense.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:27 pm
““Fuck the children”…isn’t that an organization that runs late night commercials on Cinemax and the Spice Network?”
Hell, I thought he was talking about NAMBLA.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:26 pm
“Okay, I heard somebody say to eliminate taxes. I must vent at this person.”
Knock yourself out, but doing so makes you look pretty stupid… since I never said eliminate ALL taxes. Just business taxes, capital gains tax and gas taxes. Oh, and inhyeritance taxes, too. That money was already taxed when it was income; it’s not right to tax it again.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
“Government doesn’t create jobs? Are you fucking crazy?”
Government creates stale, wasteful bureaucracy. Every job “created” by the government is paid for by taking money away from someone who earned it providing a needed, wanted service to someone else. And if you think it’s a good idea to have more and more people dependent on the government for their money — whether it’s welfare or “government jobs” — you’re the one who’s fucking crazy.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:20 pm
“lol CavalierX, no taxes? How is that smart?”
You can’t raise taxes on businesses, because the businesses cut the workforce, reduce research & development, and raise the prices on their goods and services. taxing capital gains is downright immoral, as the money invested in businesses has already been taxed. And I can’t imagine why anyone thinks we should be paying a fat tax on gasoline to the government, when they do absolutely NOTHING to drill it, pump it, refine it, ship it or put it in our cars.
December 2nd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
“Yes, if we just give the rich more money, they’ll happily re-invest all of it into the US economy”
Give? Give?? Are you mad? My point is that the government shouldn’t be GIVING anyone ANY money, especially money it takes away from its citizens by force. But I forget, some people think it’s a great idea to take money away from those who earn it and bloat the bureaucracy in DC under the guise of “caring for the poor.” Fools. Tell me, how much money did poor people invest in growing businesses and creating jobs last year? Any year? Ever?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:47 pm
To all Canadian posters, your comments fall upon deaf ears. Until your government issues a formal apology for Nickleback, we will not listen to what you say about the current economic situation. In return for said apology, the Jets will be released back to you and we shall bar Mrs. Wayne Gretzky from entering your country. Agreed?
Translated: Attention hosers…we are not listening, eh? Until you say your soorry for Nickleback, we don’t care what you talk aboot. Soorry about the Jets, eh, that was not cool. Soorry too about the chick who took Wayne away from you. Good day. Coo-loo-coo-coo-coo-coo-Coo-COO.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:37 pm
“the banks are so ridiculously retarded it sickening. they’ve been fucking it up for years (by borrowing money like it was water and they were on fire) and its bitten them (and therefore us) in the ass”
No. They’ve been taking huge risks to make huge annual profits thus generating massive dividends and bonuses for the people who run them. They’ve made their money, they were smart. If I could go back in time and was running a bank (what about that pitch hollywood?), I’d do it the exact same way.
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Our national debt isnt reallt as high as everybody says. That gigantic number is the amount of money that we owe to a bunch of counties and shit. but it doesnt take into consideration the amount of money other countries owe the united states. for example (i know the numbers arent correct) say we borrow 10 billion from china but china owed us 5 billion from before. our debt to china is 10 billion still and their debt to us is 5 billion. I have know idea why they just dont say you owe us 5 billion not 10 billion but im sure there is a logical reason…thats why the debt isnt as bad as it seems (but it till is pretty bad)
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:22 pm
“Fuck the children”…isn’t that an organization that runs late night commercials on Cinemax and the Spice Network?
December 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Oh right, I keep forgetting that most of the serious people in the comments section are retarded. Generally more so than I.
I think I’ll take Kingmonkey etc.’s advice and just say something randomly idiotic to break up all of this “serious” shit.
Hannah Montana can peel kittens with her tongue.
Wait…wrong blogger comments section…DAMMIT!
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:57 pm
I’m always amused when people start debating serious issues in the comments section. Such anger for a comedy site! Bucholz, you must be hitting some nerves…
“Fuck the children!” made me laugh REALLY hard.
Also, 12 Pack: If you read the serious comments closely, you’d know that you don’t have to be smart to join the discussion.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:55 pm
Okay, I heard somebody say to eliminate taxes. I must vent at this person.
Eliminate taxes and the government has no money. The United States government will be forced to mooch off of other governments that still have taxes; it will officially become the roommate you had in college who somehow got you to pay for all his meals, as well as the room and his penis enlargement surgery. Remember how pissed off you were at that guy? Remember how you eventually killed him in the conservatory with a candlestick? That didn’t happen, but it could have. Point is, no taxes means the government shuts down. Then we have anarchy. I’m personally not against anarchy, but I’m told it sucks. Whatever. Point is, look at the people who’ve had weak taxation in the past. The Roman Republic. The Confederate States of America. Those didn’t last long. If the government has no money, we’ll have no law enforcement and have to go back to trial by combat and blood feuds and sleeping with our cousins and livestock. We won’t have a fire department, which I think somebody already said. The continent of North America will be run by the Boy Scouts and their secret allies the Ku Klux Klan. The roads will be worn out in a couple years, the reservoir systems of all our cities will be shut down, and giant hummingbirds will descend from the sky to devour our brains.
Eliminate, or even reduce taxes and we will all die and burn for all eternity in the abyssal voids of the deepest circle of Hell, tortured by succubi who aren’t hot at all and insurance adjustors who’ve been laid off due to downsizing and been hired by the infernal authorities to read heating and cooling system repair manuals for ALL ETERNITY. That is what eliminating or reducing taxes will do.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:50 pm
See, if American car companies don’t want to go under, they should stop making shitty fucking cars.
You know, stop making them so shoddily they fall apart, stop making them with Ecuadorian engine caps and Honduran fanbelts. Just stop building them down to a price.
Also, every American may dream of driving their 7 litre musclecar across the Mojave at 150+mph but it’s not doable. Stop trying to sell us that image, sell us a fucking car that we don’t need a goddamn lifeline to make a journey and back. We’re not all Mad Max.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm
Im at the office…. is tina fey hot?
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:46 pm
Well done. If a lot of people read this, it would do some good.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Best thing ever is the canadian way of running banks kept us from getting the full force of the financial meltdown. Yay us!
Now if only globalwarming would kick in soon…brr its cold here.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Assuming they’re still rich, which they may not be any more.
Even better.
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:21 pm
Well as long as we’re stuck with this shitty situation might as well make the best of it.
One thing I’m sure we can all agree on: Watching rich people cry is fucking AWESOME!
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Aww, thanks Slim, but I’m a girl. Though I do enjoy the occasional handjob…
December 2nd, 2008 at 1:18 pm
lol CavalierX, no taxes? How is that smart? The main point of government jobs is when a job has more benefits than simply dollar values. If we didn’t pay taxes, EVERYTHING would be private. Having a tough financial period? Well, if your house burns down, sucks for you because you can’t pay the fire department the required money to put out a fire. Just got mugged? Well, without your wallet you can’t pay the police to stop the guy who just mugged you! Now I do think government jobs that are desk jobs and have multiple layers of management are a waste of tax dollars due to laziness from almost every employee, but to say eliminating taxes altogether is absurd.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:42 pm
As a Canadian, it’s nice to live in the only G8 country expected to have economic growth next year.
Thank you Paul Martin.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
Well, this wasn’t really funny, but it was pretty interesting, and it successfully passed the time. That last point is very important; when I’m reading something online, I don’t want time to stop or, worse still, start sliding backwards.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:35 pm
12Pack, you can always play along with a comments section, even if you’re not educated enough to eleveate the level of discourse. Like this:
Ha ha, Bucholz just admitted he was gay. He said he’s stretching his man-date.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Wow… better explanation than any Americans have offered so far, and I’m an American. Maybe I should move to Canada.
I also disagree with the “bigger is always better” notion regarding titties though. I’m pretty sure abandoning that stance is the final stage of puberty.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:26 pm
least there’s actually quite a bit of humor in this article it just has a serious veneer to it. that crack about John Steinbeck is one of the few things I’ve actually laughed out loud at on this site for example.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:10 pm
We’re all really impressed by how well read you are, but unfunny and dismal aren’t the main points we like here at Cracked. Next time more dick jokes and less cliche`angry comedian from the ’90’s.
December 2nd, 2008 at 12:05 pm
The fact that Secret Squirrel started his comment with a twist on “Jane you ignorant slut”….man alive, that was fucking hilarious.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:56 am
I have to say i disagree with the suggestion that the bigger boobs are the better. There is a fine line between nice big titties and gargantuan megatitties crushing everything within 1000 miles with their gravitational force.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:18 am
the banks are so ridiculously retarded it sickening. they’ve been fucking it up for years (by borrowing money like it was water and they were on fire) and its bitten them (and therefore us) in the ass. their solution to the trillions of dollars of debt we’re now in: to borrow more!
Fuck the Children!
at least the Chinese have the ability to just throw Chinese-people at the problem until it goes away. we are all fucked.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:11 am
I never get to comment on a Bucholz article because everyone else is too smart. What a pain in the ass.
December 2nd, 2008 at 11:00 am
Punk ass car companies! Here’s an idea, half the price of the car, and maybe you can stay afloat! Or fire the Execs, or or…..hand jobs!!
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
The only problem is the “leaving debt for our children” part. We borrow money at rates lower than the growth of our GDP, so, effectively, our debt decreases when compared to how much money we have - e.g. we give you a bond that will give you 10% more money in 5 years, but in 5 years our economy has grown 12%. Except in strange years, like this one, this is pretty normal growth.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:56 am
The ad in the corner right now is for Chrysler. Oh the irony…
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:54 am
cavalier x is dumb.
there, I said it.
You can’t just “reduce taxes” and magically solve problems. An expansionary fiscal policy has two components, the tax thing you’re talking about, accompanied by an increase in government spending. Government doesn’t create jobs? Are you fucking crazy? Some figures state that nearly half of Americans are supported either directly or indirectly through our government.
With that said, look at the Japanese recession during the 90’s. Note that they tried your lil’ scheme early on, and essentially fucked themselves for an extra five years.
Right now we need to borrow our asses off, and introduce recovery packages like a madman. Certainly, we are borrowing from our childrens’ wealth, but I think they’d rather have some big loans to pay off than a collapsed economy.
I guess the point here is: Think before you speak. Misinformation, like “the government is baaad, reduce taxxeess” actually plays a role in deepening our recession. Stop spreading stupidity. read. a. fucking. book.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:44 am
“The rich will invest in those businesses…”
Ha ha ha ha! That’s the funniest thing I have read today (aside from this article). Yes, if we just give the rich more money, they’ll happily re-invest all of it into the US economy, I mean, that’s what happened so far right? The Bush tax cuts really spurred us on to faster growth….
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:42 am
Governments giving money away never solved anything. Not now, not in the thirties, never. That’s because it’s not their money. They can only get it by a) taxing or b) borrowing. If they raise taxes to get money to give away, they only hurt the productive (ie, working) citizens. Raising taxes on businesses and “the rich” only gets more people fired, because people stop investing their money and squirrel it away in offshore accounts and tax shelters. Borrowing money is even worse, for very obvious reasons. Everyone in America already owes China at least one major appendage. The best way out of a recession is for the government to reduce (or eliminate, though we couldn’t hope they’d be THAT smart) taxes. Specifically taxes on businesses, capital gains, and gas. Business owners will use the extra money to create jobs and expand the economy. The rich will invest in those businesses and buy expensive crap from them. Government does not create either jobs or wealth, it only reduces them.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:38 am
Good work Bucholz, I have to agree with the fact that you get stuck writing bad articles, but you made this one worhtwhile. For anyone interested in another option for the auto industry bailout, check out a post I wrote here: http://explorerfish.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=116:the-big-three-bailout&catid=1:latest-news&Itemid=18
No, it’s not a damn Rick-Roll, and it’s not spam, it’s actually related to the discussion.
Tiny Fey Nude.
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:25 am
Ah… just what I like from a Bucholz article… refreshing, informative, and Canadian. Kinda like Moxy Fruvous…
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:22 am
I have had a Tim Horton’s. It beats Dunkin’ Donuts hands down. It’s neck and neck with a Krispy Kreme. But nothing beats a Southern Maid. http://www.southernmaiddonuts.com/
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:12 am
James, you ignorant slut. The depression happened before FDR was in office, and though his New Deal policies didn’t work out right away, things eventually righted themselves (the only good outcome of the Nazis being horrible pricks and starting WWII). To Nobody, apparently you think unions drag the auto industry down and the Japanese would do away with this.You realize there’s unions in Japan, right? Like, pretty decent ones?
December 2nd, 2008 at 10:05 am
Bucholz, don’t tease the Americans. You know their doughnuts suck.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:50 am
the reason why the american car market is failing is because theyre years behind the japanese and european markets.. they havent listened 2 consumers and continued to make bulky, gas guzzling machines while the japs made those rice rockets.. even with the release of american cars that run on electricity and get more mpg than the older versions, its still too little too late.. the american car market needs a major overhaul if they continue to stay in business
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:45 am
“A less glib answer is the government runs a deficit for awhile”
“Awhile” being defined as more than a century now. Iraq was not the beginning of this. We might have even been okay if were not for FDR and his disastrous policies. If Obama ends up like FDR as it is suggested, expect a full on Depression (whatever that means to you).
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:25 am
Oh hey, ‘Nobody’, do you still get ‘there’, ‘their’, and ‘they’re’ mixed up too?! It’s okay, words are hard. Fuck your American attitude; make sure you can locate Canada on a map before making such silly accusations. Also, suck Uncle Sam’s debt-filled arse, eh? Okay, I’m off for a game a shinny and a Tim Horton’s y’hoser…
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:16 am
I could be wrong, but this recession is happening over most of the world, right?
It’s why I’m writing this in my iDumpster. So I’m perfectly happy with a Canadian doing the reporting.
Quick article title change there, I preferred the dick joke one.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:14 am
The funny thing is, if the giant automakers did crash, most of those people wouldn’t lose their jobs. Corporations don’t die; they simply get absorbed, like amoebas swallowing each other. Toyota, Tata, or some Chinese group would snatch them up at a discount rate, ditch all the horrible union crap that’s dragging them down, and reopen them as efficient new rice-burner-plants.
Lots of people would lose their pensions. CEO’s would be fired. Most would keep their jobs. Cars would be significantly cheaper. That’s pretty much it.
December 2nd, 2008 at 9:10 am
Nobody, were you meaning to use “which” instead? Because the word you used was hilariously accurate, yet technically incorrect.
I do find it fascinating that with all the American writers on staff, they choose the Canadian to educated American readers about their own damned government. I think therein lies America’s real problem.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:52 am
Once again a great article Chris. I don’t think I’ve ever learned as much about economics, as I did from this article. Thanks to you, I can now apply for that job at Wall street.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:33 am
Even for a Canadian you still show remarkable signs of intelligence. BTW, the government borrows money from the Federal Reserve witch is actually a private corporation. And the problem is, the government thinks it can dig itself out by just throwing money at it. Because if the politicians “spend” they can get re-elected.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 am
Wouldn’t a dildo made out of shredded newspapers also give you the worst paper cuts imaginable? Other then that I already knew this but way to inform all the poor huddled masses who happen to have an internet connection.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:29 am
P.S. suck on that, thedamned.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:18 am
I want to wear your Canadian flesh as a jacket. I Love you that much, ButtHolz. Muah.
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:17 am
first bitches!!
December 2nd, 2008 at 8:15 am
Hey, you do get the worst writing jobs Bucholz but you prove yourself a harder worker than these other people who just raid their comic book collection for insights. I’m specifically not looking at Dan because he told me if we ever made eye contact he’d eat my future children.
You make up for it with little gems. Not the biscuity/candy things, that would be silly.
Seriously Cracked, where’s my biscuity candy things?!