Look, I’m no prude. I have a scheduled lovemaking session with my fiancée on the first of every month, and let me tell you: it gets pretty festive. But I feel I’ve got to draw some scrupulous attention to the ads for American Apparel I’ve been seeing everywhere.

I first saw an ad on the back of a magazine at a family get-together at my father’s house, and immediately assumed he was a child pornographer. After a very awkward ten-minute discussion and a bowl of spilled guacamole, it was explained to me that this:

was in fact an ad for a clothing store and not for a rainbow of underaged sex slaves as I had assumed. Since then, I’ve seen a number of these ads pop up, usually on the backs of magazines. This has proved problematic, as I am a functioning illiterate and spend my time at the doctor’s office or in line at the grocery store perusing magazine backs.

Suffice to say, the healthy erection I achieved after leering at this ad for twenty minutes didn’t help my attempt to persuade the checkout girl to give me a double coupon discount on a single coupon basket of mango slices.

If I could read or write—which, again, I cannot—I would have probably put it together that the word “tights” refers not only to leggings, but also to the woman’s vagina, and blown a load right there in aisle five.

These ads are dangerous, and they’re getting worse. I spotted these two smoldering on the rack at a local newsstand:

On the left, although you can’t read it (welcome to my world!) is text encouraging you to Google the model, Lauren Phoenix, billed as an actress and director. Can you guess what kind of actress/director Lauren Phoenix is? I’ll give you a hint: her name is Lauren Phoenix.

A Wikipedia search for the lass will reveal that she is indeed a rising Canadian porn star, and in fact has been awarded XRCO’s no doubt prestigious “Orgasmic Analist” award two years running.

And dear God! If my deciphering of the unintelligible scribbles on the right is accurate, this disease is spreading to our friends in Japan! Not only do I fear for their men, I also have to wonder what kind of mind is approached with the idea “we should advertise the fact that we are opening a branch of our clothing retailer in the Land of the Rising Sun” and responds forthwith with “what girl that works here can we get naked?”

That’s right! The models featured in American Apparel ads, according to text on the models section of their website, are primarily workers at the American Apparel factory! What kind of magical place is this where everyone is half-naked, attractive, and willing to be photographed with a single spotlight on grainy film a la’ 1970’s snuff films? What powerhouse of masculinity put this thing together?

The answers are Los Angeles, home of Pink’s hot dog stand and other sexually suggestive products, and Dov Charney, AKA this guy:

Gotta love the 70’s ’stache. Explains a lot, primarily this article accusing him of rampant sexual harassment and fraternization with his employees. But despite controversy and scandal, Mr. Charney is standing strong, refusing to back down from his hyper-sexualized advertising style. In fact, perusing the AA website one can unearth unpublished gems like these ones:

And of course this lovely ensemble:

Mmm, yeah, hot. God I’d love to fuck me some of—ARE THOSE LITTLE KIDS?! STOP IT DOV CHARNEY! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

To find out way more than you’d ever care to know about the sleazemonger Dov Charney and his filthy, filthy business, check out this exhaustive knowmore.org business profile of AA. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some adult education classes at the learning annex to attend.

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