The Mills/McCartney divorce ruling is in, and while I don’t have access to some of the more guarded court transcripts, I believe the official verdict is that Mills is an insufferable bitch.
At least that’s what I glean from this article, whose bias is made clear if only by the photo they chose to use of Mills looking like a gull shrieking for a bite of your hot dog.
She was able to wrangle more than 20 million pounds, which in American money is about nineteen billion dollars, which is so much money that I imagine her prosthetic leg will soon be replaced by a staff of crystal, jet-leg, or simply be fashioned out of thousand dollar bills.
And how did she manage that? First, by pissing off the judge, who called her “less than candid,” “unreasonable and exorbitant” and “a bitch on wheels.”
She also claimed to give 80 to 90 percent of her income to charity each year—and thus be stone cold broke—when in fact “her tax returns disclose no charitable giving at all.” Hey, she’s just like me! Except for her being a huge bitch, of course.
Mills then attempted to silence court documents that would reveal her as, you know, a bitch, called the 70,000 dollar a year childcare payment she’ll be receiving “inadequate,” and threw water on Paul McCartney’s lawyer.
Headlines like “Money Can’t Buy Her Love” were inevitable, although I imagine there are a few other Beatles covers Paul is humming to himself these days:
When not blogging for Cracked, Michael moves into the finals of the Youtube Sketchies II contest as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets! Thanks to all who voted for us!
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December 12th, 2008 at 10:14 am
That fucking little bitch needs to be slowly tortured to death!
Paul McCartney may be a bit of a douche these days but still!!
She deserved about £fucking nothing. £Nothing at all.
And, £20 million is about $30million. ish.
September 27th, 2008 at 12:50 am
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June 6th, 2008 at 9:41 pm
I have viewed many sexy and hot videos and photos at a celebrities singles dating club———- Mixedmingle.com——— where many fans and stars can chat together. And there are many black and white singles who are seeking for ideal match seriously there.
March 24th, 2008 at 8:00 am
[...] moment of the Beatles’ existence (the second being Lennon’s assassination and the first being that bitch Heather Mills scamming Paulie out of his “Yesterday” [...]
March 23rd, 2008 at 1:38 am
Just give her a green jacket and 1 year lease at the Dakota. Mark David Chapman will take care of the rest.
March 22nd, 2008 at 4:17 pm
Linda McCartney had just died 1-2 years before he married Heather right? griefstricken people do crazy things.
bad golddigger! BAD! Don’t hurt the ex-beatle, it’s bad for your rep.
March 22nd, 2008 at 1:27 pm
dude, seriously though? If she is obviously bat-shit crazy, why did Paul marry her in the first place? talk about shitty judgement…
March 22nd, 2008 at 10:55 am
Wait, is your wife a man? Oh boy, this complicates things.
March 22nd, 2008 at 3:12 am
I feel sorry for the man I have to marry one day.
March 21st, 2008 at 10:39 pm
HaHaHaHaHa.
March 21st, 2008 at 10:06 pm
Screw you Glendoor 42, people like you are what’s wrong with America in general for some reason. I feel sorry for the man you will have to marry one day.
March 21st, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Was that crosswalk at Abbey Road?
*Cue dramatic music*
March 21st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
She lost her leg when she was struck by a police motorcycle at a crosswalk.
March 21st, 2008 at 12:58 pm
What is Hannah Montana doing here? Well, she heard about the Across the Universe sequel and thought it was a great idea, but decided to stick around to try to get heather mills more of paul mccartney’s money.
March 21st, 2008 at 11:54 am
I think that Andy Pants has been replaced by a spambot.
March 21st, 2008 at 11:52 am
What do you mean what is she doing here ,YOU unleashed her upon these blog pages.
It is almost as if you are one of her minions. Hmmmmm?
March 21st, 2008 at 11:21 am
What the fuck is Hannah Montana doing here?
March 21st, 2008 at 11:12 am
“People like her are what’s wrong with america in general.”
I’ve always said the british were what’s wrong with America.
March 21st, 2008 at 8:30 am
Andy Pants: She only has one leg. The other is prosthetic. She lost it by walking onto a landmine.
March 21st, 2008 at 7:30 am
What does Paul need all that money for anyway? Brown #3 Just for Men hair dye? Neck skin restraints?
March 21st, 2008 at 6:58 am
Yeah, I hate Heather Mills. People like her are what’s wrong with america in general. Damn woman should be grateful to even have stood* in Paul McCartneys presence. I blame the girls parents. Makes me sick, all this shit.
*She has legs right? I’m a bit fuzzy on the details.
March 21st, 2008 at 6:29 am
Naw she lost that leg a long time ago.
March 20th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
She didn’t have a leg to stand on in this whole thing. She really should have put her best foot forward, but instead she ended up going in circles.
Too soon?
March 20th, 2008 at 9:43 pm
Heather Mills with telekinesis or telepathy? I think she can tell everyone thinks more highly of a piece of flaming dog shit than herself.
March 20th, 2008 at 9:37 pm
I don’t know how Paul let her get away?
March 20th, 2008 at 9:31 pm
Is it just me, or does it look exactly like she’s unleashing a wave of telekinesis?
March 20th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
To be fair, that is the most attractive photo she has taken in awhile.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
I not writing a sequel, if I was, Heather Mills would have been in the court room and Maxwell’s silver hammer would start playing and a guy that looked liked Christopher Lloyd after it it was revealed he was a toon in “Who framed Roger Rabbit” would come up behind her and bash her head in and blood and brains would be splattered everywhere.
Paul would be sitting there covered in blood, brains and guts and Maxwell’s Silver Hammer would segue into Strawberry Fields. The blood and guts and shit would transform into flowers, birds, woodland creatures and shit. Paul and the Christopher Lloyd dude would dance gleefully and and exit the courtroom to the end chorus of Hey Jude.
“Maxwell’s silver hammer” and “Happiness is a warm gun” are the seminal Beatles tunes imho.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Does anyone else should be charged with fraud?
March 20th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
I wanted to say that so bad.
March 20th, 2008 at 6:02 pm
Michael, you sell yourself short. You’re a huge bitch, too!
March 20th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
Oh believe me, if Paul were one year younger, I’d be all over that hackneyed pun. Sadly, he had to go and turn 65. So I guess this whole divorce thing answers his question.
Will you still need me? Will you still feed me?
Yes, but the second you’re not 64 anymore I’ll divorce your ass and take all your money.
March 20th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
How old are they? I’m trying to work in a When I’m 64 joke here. You know, for the benefit of my friend Jude– Jude Kite.
March 20th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
God forbid, Gladstone.
Sgt. Pepper
March 20th, 2008 at 5:03 pm
Are you guys writing the screenplay to the sequel to Across the Universe?
March 20th, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Fuck that money grubbing bitch,oh and yeah, Strawberry Fields.
March 20th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
Swaim, that’s just the sort of thing she’d do, let her have her moment.
Also, she’s the worst Daytripper of all time, what with that short a marriage. With all that cash you can bet she’s not going to be living in Penny Lane any longer.
March 20th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
Heather, what you’re doing is wrong. All you need is love, not money. Just let it be. People already hate you. That’s not going to be getting better until you stop throwing water at people’s lawyers. Every little thing can’t go your way, but you got like a billion dollars, so just get back and act naturally. So quit acting like a little child.
Wow, I’m a loser.
March 20th, 2008 at 4:37 pm
Last?
March 20th, 2008 at 4:24 pm
FIRST!!!