5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad
Cracked Columnists

Aging Beatle Ravaged by Gull-Faced Harpy!

The Mills/McCartney divorce ruling is in, and while I don't have access to some of the more guarded court transcripts, I believe the official verdict is that Mills is an insufferable bitch.

At least that's what I glean from this article, whose bias is made clear if only by the photo they chose to use of Mills looking like a gull shrieking for a bite of your hot dog.

She was able to wrangle more than 20 million pounds, which in American money is about nineteen billion dollars, which is so much money that I imagine her prosthetic leg will soon be replaced by a staff of crystal, jet-leg, or simply be fashioned out of thousand dollar bills.

And how did she manage that? First, by pissing off the judge, who called her less than candid, unreasonable and exorbitant and a bitch on wheels.

She also claimed to give 80 to 90 percent of her income to charity each yearand thus be stone cold brokewhen in fact her tax returns disclose no charitable giving at all. Hey, shes just like me! Except for her being a huge bitch, of course.

Mills then attempted to silence court documents that would reveal her as, you know, a bitch, called the 70,000 dollar a year childcare payment shell be receiving inadequate, and threw water on Paul McCartneys lawyer.

Headlines like Money Cant Buy Her Love were inevitable, although I imagine there are a few other Beatles covers Paul is humming to himself these days:

  • Devil in Her Heart
  • You Never Give me Your Money
  • Baby Youre a Rich Man
  • Money (Thats What I Want)
  • Gold Digger (feat. Kanye West)
  • Happiness is a Warm Gun

  • When not blogging for Cracked, Michael moves into the finals of the Youtube Sketchies II contest as head writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets! Thanks to all who voted for us!

    • Random

    Recommended For Your Pleasure

    Michael Swaim

    • Rss

    More by Michael Swaim:

    See More
    To turn on reply notifications, click here

    42 Comments

    The Cracked Podcast

    Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

    The Weekly Hit List

    Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
    Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!