Listen, “sir,” I know you think you’re being clever. I know you think you’re fooling me big time and it’s only a matter of seconds before I approve this loan for you over the phone, but you need to know two things. One: That’s not how banks operate. You need to come in and fill out a loan application and we will discuss it face to face. Which brings me to Two: You will never come in and show me your face because you are clearly just some kid messing around with your new Talkboy.
Yes, when you slow down the speed on the playback, your voice sounds lower. But it also sounds much slower, you dumb, dumb kid. Nobody talks that slow. Not stroke victims, not Snuffaluffagus, not even Molasses Man, and I just made that guy up.
I also can’t help but notice that you have yet to respond to any of these allegations. I will assume that’s because in order to respond, you have to cover up the phone, record your response, rewind it and then play it back into the receiver. And guess what? Regardless of pitch or speed, your voice is accompanied by what can only be described as “whirring” and “crackling.” Almost like it’s a cassette tape being played back on a device that came out in 1993. Or maybe you’re just eating Pop Rocks next to a bee hive, I don’t know.
No, wait. I do know. You’re a kid and you’re lame and you’re wasting my time because apparently you just saw a movie that came out before you were even born. That’s right. I’m not an idiot, and I’ve seen Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise. Nice try.
I’m hanging up now, because I have a real human job I need to do. Next time, try calling the early 90s. Or better yet, just stop and think for a second about how stupid you definitely are.
In other words: Use your brain, ya filthy animal.
::click::
This entry was posted on Sunday, October 11th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
Am I The Only Person On The Internet Who Thought AMC's The Prisoner Was Amazing?
The Truth Behind The Upcoming Monopoly Movie
Cody's Least Popular Blog Post: Why All Black Comedians Are Doing It Wrong
Mad Man
Most Honest Break Up Letter Ever
5 Movies Aliens Should Watch Before Trying To Invade Earth
The Slightly Haunted Mansion Party Across The Street From The Significantly More Haunted Mansion Party
18 Hilarious Modes of Transport Science Gave Up On Too Soon
Am I The Only Person On The Internet Who Thought AMC’s The Prisoner Was Amazing?
Copyright © 2005 - 2009 Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved. CRACKED, CRACKED.COM and the "CRACKED" logo are trademarks owned by Cracked Entertainment, Inc. All rights reserved.
November 22nd, 2009 at 11:38 am
Malapterus, I’m pretty sure it’s an entirely fictional comedy article
November 19th, 2009 at 6:22 am
thumbs up to cohiba
who’s this cody everyone’s talking about? :S
November 4th, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Pop Rocks next to a bee hive, I don’t know.
no comment
add me on myspace who ever reads –> http://www.myspace.com/ninja_makeout
-Ninja Makeout-
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:18 pm
I know this came out weeks ago, and no-one else has commented in like, nine days…. but, as I’ve just read it, I will say…I thought it was funny. So there.
October 26th, 2009 at 6:14 pm
What was the point of this? Did this allegedly really happen, or have you taken the time to think out how you would react if you were a loan officer that a child called using a device that doesn’t even exist anymore? Are you trying to convince us that you can outsmart a child over the phone? Maybe if there was some sort of backstory to this it would make sense, but as it stands it’s such an unlikely situation that it seems like a random narrative. Did Home Alone frustrate you so much that you stewed and schemed as to what you’d do if someone attempted this on you? Did it take you 16 years to figure it out? Please provide answers.
October 24th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
It’s 2009 and someone’s criticizing a crappy kid’s toy from an early 90s kid’s movie in some sort of satirical form?
This is clearly a waste of space, I want my 5 seconds back.
October 18th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
A glowing example of mediocracy at it’s finest.
October 16th, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Just realised that Cody is behind those shite video game tutorial videos, Cody you are histories greatest monster and JOB you are satan himself for allowing this ear eye and mouth rape to be published on such a fine site. May god have mercy on your souls
October 16th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
“Nobody talks that slow. Not stroke victims, not Snuffaluffagus, not even Molasses Man, and I just made that guy up.”
I thought this was a hilarious line.
Good job.
October 16th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Um… what’s 6 x 7 ?
See? I know all about the mysteries of life!
Am I supposed to start flaming people now?
October 15th, 2009 at 11:59 am
oh cool an article i wouldn’t find relatively funny even this was 1993 when those things were still recognizable to people other then nostalgia faggots
October 14th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
_____WealthySeeker.com_____ is the best and largest online personals site dedicated to men and women seeking a higher caliber online dating experience.
Our clients include CEOs, Professional Athletes, Doctors, Lawyers, Investors, Entrepreneurs, Beauty Queens, Fitness Models, and Hollywood Celebrities,
just to name a few .Everyone is welcome here. You don’t have to be wealthy or famous.
October 14th, 2009 at 11:34 am
32,
Er, well, they’re equipped with caffeine pills. That’s pretty similar to cyanide, right?
October 14th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Wow…that was a terrible article
October 14th, 2009 at 10:06 am
I can only assume you’ve equipped my as-of-yet undelivered army of short retarded people with their own cyanide caplets?
Anything less would be a egregious breach of imaginary contract. I’ll have to ask for my empty box back.
October 14th, 2009 at 9:49 am
Agent 23,
If it makes you feel any better, I’m pretty certain that the Bones novels actually predate the Bones TV series, unless they’ve been releasing new novels I’m not yet aware of. Sad to say, Bones is one of the only three TV shows I actually watch (the other two being House and NCIS)… mainly because I sort of have a thing for half-Irish half-Chinese chicks like Michaela Conlin.
Re: your second question, the answer is neither. Bathroom linen-type items might have made sense back when Adams was writing but, goddammit, these days I never travel without a cyanide caplet.
October 14th, 2009 at 7:23 am
Agent Shriner:
We may simply be a product of our times. Adams has been loosing popularity with each passing generation.
Old and Busted: Quality sci-fi and comedy writing.
New Hottness: LOTR and Harry Potter clone series. No, seriously, this is a billion-dollar industry.
Who’s to blame for this? We are. The writers haven’t gotten worse, the public just wants dumber material. Hence, Twilight, Potter and the lovely Golden Compass series. Lets not even get into the novelization of the “Bones” television series.
In any case, this could be the reason no one’s jumped in to our numerical discourse.
Shall we instead discuss the best item to take traveling? I’m torn between bathroom linen-type items, and handguns.
October 13th, 2009 at 7:12 pm
@mrpez
A lot of seanbaby’s articles are like that but, every now and then, he puts up something with more mass appeal than before. Those topics, the ones I can actually find an interest in, are not a bad read. Try him one more time if he puts up a title that sounds good.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Agent 32,
I know! I waited and waited for someone to throw that in and it never came!
Am I really just too jaded when I think such references are almost TOO obvious?
October 13th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I’m surprised no rabid Adams fanboy has jumped in on the whole numbers train, you know?
42! THE NUMBER IS 42! ITS THE GRATEST NUMBER OUT OF ALL OF THE NUMBERS! HAHA! I AM CLEVER!
October 13th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
32 -
Egg-fucking-sactly.
I only pretend to know about numbers. I don’t know anything about “A” is “A”, either. All I know is a bunch of bullshit, like 77+([7+7])/7)+77. If that means anything.
Which it really doesn’t.
Whoreable.
October 13th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
MrPez:
Get with the fucking program. The comments section isn’t for flaming people.
It’s for the Grand High Wizardragon (or whatever) to communicate with his friend/soulmate, the “”Guy Named After a Famous Blues Song”
October 13th, 2009 at 2:25 pm
“That is precisely why I quit looking at anything attached to Seanbaby’s name.”
yeah me too. nothing he writes is funny unless you’re an MMA/martial arts fanatic…and even then its not great.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
Sadly, your numerical references are lost on me, as I am only an expert in
*pause*
Nameology.
That’s probably got something to do with the fact that I willingly accept the fact that “A” is “A”.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:49 pm
93
32,
Dammit, stop reading my mind. I might accidentally reveal my Masonic secrets and the penalties of that are terrible beyond comprehension.
Just don’t forget - Never Whistle While You’re Pissing. That’s all I have to say about that.
93 93/93
October 13th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
Als, all the Vicodin i took the other day made me psychic. I was on to your Masonic tricks way back before we started dating.
(I knew you were going to say that.)
October 13th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Cohiba:
I figured as much. The secret internet handshake gave it away.
October 13th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
@32_20Blues
The best part of your comment is that I really am a 100% honest to God Freemason.
Everything else? Well… it IS Science, like you said…
(wait…….. goddammit.)
October 13th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
Cohiba:
1.) Stop giving away the Cody secrets.
2.) Validating someone by saying “Well the Editors really like him” isn’t really going to win you any favors. I happen to like Right Said Fred. YOU SHOULD ALSO LIKE IT. BECAUSE I DO. (That’s science, remember?)
3.) What else should we do with the comments section? I do not see it referred to as the “Give Cody a Handjob And Tell Him What A Great Job He Did On That Article” section. You know damn well that the comments section is specifically reserved for flamewars. It’s a papal god damned decree, so fuck you, you Freemason.
<3
32
October 13th, 2009 at 11:18 am
Jesus Christ people, there’s nothing wrong with his posting stuff from his blog. The Cracked Editors wanted him to do that.
Out of curiousity, folks - how many times have the Cracked Editors directly asked you Cody bashers out there to put your special blend of funny up on this site? Is that what’s REALLY eating you guys up? Has it occurred to you people that, while you might not personally enjoy this stuff, there are a lot of us who do? Has it occurred to you that his fans actually include the editors of this site, people like Jack O’Brien, DOB, and David Wang?
I don’t mention any of this to say that it’s a reason YOU should like Cody. Humor is personal. You can’t convince someone that something is funny or not funny - humor has to resonate with something in your own life and your own psyche in order to make you laugh. Nor am I saying this as a plea to stop bashing the guy… Cody’s kind of fun to bash and I’ve done so a few times myself under different names. From my understanding, the guy actually likes it when people hate on him and he uses it to fuel his creative processes. You sick fucks are feeding the bastard.
No, my concern is that most of you that insist on commenting on Cody’s articles just to piss on the guy are making yourselves look like goddamn idiots. It’s almost as though you resent Cody because he’s been offered something you know that the Cracked Editors will never offer you. It really shows and it makes you folks look ridiculous. Rather than simply ignore the columnist you don’t like and move on, you insist on trying to convince Editors that already like him that they really shouldn’t like him. I’m trying to stop you so that you guys can save whatever little scrap of dignity you might have remaining and use it doing something more productive, like mountain climbing without a safety rope or dividing by zero or opening your space inventory.
I could give a fuck about Cody. My plea is for you folks. Save your energies. He feeds off of this and you’re only making the fucker stronger. God help us all.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Wow the title of this page is almost illegible. I can barely understand it.
October 13th, 2009 at 9:03 am
pretty good
October 13th, 2009 at 7:24 am
The best part was when the ninja stormed the stronghold to obtain the crystal of Amun’thal, it’s a good thing Dr. Fellatio rigged up the self-destruct mechanism before they tried to flee.
So many questions left unanswered though, is it really MacPherson’s kid? Did the monkeys survive the new vaccine? Where is DeLouise going to keep his leftover ham now? Will Sanchez ever overcome his horrible khat addiction?
–Cody, I abhor you for keeping me in suspense like this.
October 13th, 2009 at 6:42 am
Lame. He just reposted shit from his blog (that wasn’t funny in the first place).
October 12th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
oh hey! i hate all things new so i’m going to say cody’s articles are shit because he was actually picked to write and i wasn’t. oh, and i again i hate all things new and probably say things like “well the ORIGINAL was better” in regards to absolutely everything.
but no, i like you, cody. you’re funny.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Wow seriously?… Fuck off, not even funny. If you had done this possibly when Home Alone 2 came out it still wouldn’t have been even remotely entertaining… Cracked, new low…
October 12th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
fire cody please, his articles are a collection of random words selected from a aquarium full of manatees!!!
October 12th, 2009 at 8:50 pm
“I clicked on the link, with tingling excitement. For some reason I thought it was a Bucholz article. Yes! Would this be as good as “Trying to Return a Used Comfort Wipe”?
Then I read it. God. Damn.”
Gah! Likewise.
And
“Everytime any of us readers of cracked.com clicks on an article posted by this Cody his pockets get a bit fuller. So all of us who appreciate great writing and are looking to read funny takes on current events/pop culture should STOP CLICKING ON ANY LINKS POSTED BY CODY. Maybe the folks at cracked will get the message and fire this clown.”
That is precisely why I quit looking at anything attached to Seanbaby’s name.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Oh hey cracked got a new columnist
October 12th, 2009 at 7:13 pm
Kinda sucked.
October 12th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
@Abraham Lincoln
Shut the fuck up!
*BANG*
October 12th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
yup have to agree on the garbage factor of this one
October 12th, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I say, this is quite humorous and I did release a slight chuckle upon reading this witty article. Well done!
October 12th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
I clicked on the link, with tingling excitement. For some reason I thought it was a Bucholz article. Yes! Would this be as good as “Trying to Return a Used Comfort Wipe”?
Then I read it. God. Damn.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:57 pm
@Humility
I’m British. Been here all my years. This is unfunny tripe.
@Couch
The reason you have to think about Cody’s ‘humour’ is that you’ve got the fun of creating the joke for him.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I would say Cody is a fan of British Humor. Dry yet witty. I personally prefer German Humor, there is just something about the way Germans can spin such dark subjects that I like. American Humor is rather slapstick and silly, and that is what Crack specializes in.
Cody is fresh though.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:41 pm
I like this guys style. Its the kind of funny you have to think about.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:45 pm
WTF is this garbage,
October 12th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
I hate you now
October 12th, 2009 at 12:01 pm
I enjoyed this.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:39 am
don’t worry cody, i’ll click on your articles.
October 12th, 2009 at 11:03 am
For those too lazy to scroll..i re-post this fine piece of net detective work:
Anonymous Bastard Says:
October 11th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
sam saulsbury-
It was so rushed that Cody magically bypassed “0 seconds” and somehow fucking wrote this in negative time. Almost one year ago in negative time, to be precise. Just check his blog:
radiopantsdance.tumblr.com/search/talkboy
October 12th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Everytime any of us readers of cracked.com clicks on an article posted by this Cody his pockets get a bit fuller. So all of us who appreciate great writing and are looking to read funny takes on current events/pop culture should STOP CLICKING ON ANY LINKS POSTED BY CODY. Maybe the folks at cracked will get the message and fire this clown.
October 12th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Having now read this twice (i thought i had missed the good part the first time), I’m forced to strap a mini, Penance-style suit to each of my eyes. The pain will help me forget the body of work(?) here, but I’ll never forgive myself for the second read.
October 12th, 2009 at 10:24 am
“Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise.”
Priceless
October 12th, 2009 at 9:50 am
Cody… I read Cracked for quality writing and an interesting humourous spin on pop culture, science, and history, or, barring that, quality writing at the very least. This article has none of that. Neither did your last. Despite whether or not people think you’re funny, which I frankly don’t, you’re a mediocre writer at best. You’re a professional columnist now. Step it up.
Also, does anyone even remember Home Alone 2? Why spend an entire article referencing such a shitty thing?
October 12th, 2009 at 8:07 am
Seriously? They’re turning Cracked into a bitch blog for some monkey who can barely string together a coherent video?
He can’t write, he’s really not that funny (outside of the juvenile tripe that appears to be a favorite of the bridge-dwelling semi-formed urge-monkeys), and he’s kind of lazy. His exposition here barely rolls from idea to joke, with nothing but stale “observation” in between.
Here’s hoping he’s not being paid to mash the keyboard in between kleenex whipe-ups.
Can we set aside a seperate piece of Cracked for this kind of flotsam? Make it “CrackedLite.com - America’s only repository for aborted humor and Uwe Boll quality video since people revealed they were handicapped enough to like Cody”, and we can go back to not being duped into reading this drivel.
October 12th, 2009 at 8:05 am
@Skkflip
But why would you be on board with the termination of retards? Had that policy been in place over the last century then you’d have never been born!
October 12th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Cody?
Fuck you.
October 12th, 2009 at 7:59 am
I hate you, skkflip.
October 12th, 2009 at 6:40 am
Fuck civility, all you faggots are idiots. If this would have been presented in a countdown list you retards would be sucking his dick.
“Adult I’m Talking To, Clearly Just a Little Kid on a Talkboy”
Picture that as the title, all that was missing was a comma. Goddamn you people really are idiots.
“# Chemistry11 Says:
October 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
WTF? Perhaps this would have been funny back when Home Alone 2 was relevant/on people’s general mind.”
Again there’s many articles on this site that are top 10 lists talking about nothing but 80’s movies.
Face it, outsmarted you guys and you’re being a bunch of fucking cry babies.
You know, maybe Hitler was on to something. Not with gypsies, homosexuals, or jews. But the whole exterminating retards thing, I could get on board with that.
October 12th, 2009 at 6:08 am
maybe its because im not american, but i just dont get the joke. am missing something or what?!
October 12th, 2009 at 5:56 am
…
WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF did I read???
October 12th, 2009 at 5:47 am
Cody, learn how to write a sentence. When you screw up the title it’s usually downhill from there.
October 12th, 2009 at 5:34 am
Cody really knows how to A) fuck up a solid premise, and B) drag on his one-note joke way too long.
October 12th, 2009 at 2:33 am
Cody’s a columnist because he’s threatening DOB with letting the FBI know his plans, or some other shit as that.
October 12th, 2009 at 2:29 am
@CohibaMan
You raise an interesting point, but it still doesn’t refute my central argument against Cody for two reasons:
1) Establishing a Voice - I was actually unaware that cracked works like this and I’ve been on this site for over a year now. Whilst it does explain why this material is as bad as it is, it doesn’t actually come close to refuting my point that a prospective reader seeing this crud will think this is representative of cracked’s quality of humour. If I’ve been here for over a year and I didn’t know that this was Cody ‘establishing a voice’, then how can a totally new reader be expected to know, whom will almost certainly be put off by the quality of this article?
2) Establishing a Voice = Branding - In business terminology, as I’m sure everyone is aware, establishing a voice and branding are pretty much synonymous. In order to attract people to his articles, Cody gets to flood us with stuff in order to build up his reputation. In the same way, when a fledgling company enters a market, it floods us with advertising and pro-mo events to get us to know the brand. Unfortunately, just sticking turgid drudge out for the audience to suck on doesn’t establish anything other than “Cody is shit”. It would be like me trying to set up my selection of fine wines, Château de Ben and thinking “Oh christy fuck! I’ve got to establish my brand, fast!” filling my bottles full of luke-warm piss and throwing them at people because, hey!, all publicity is good publicity! Well no, that would just send Château de Ben to Coventry in the same way that Cody’s stuff here will just taint his voice and establish him as an unfunny sap. So again, whilst your explanation shows -why- he’s so bad, it doesn’t legitimise it.
3) Cody has been wildly unsuccessful in the past - Before he was made a regular columnist, Cody released a serious of videos of varying qualities as standalone video articles. Some were hilarious (I personally thought the first and last game helping squad fitted into this category, most disagree), some were kind of mediocre (I personally felt the ‘One man’s attempt to go viral’ fitted into this, most disagree) some were abysmal (The rest - most agree). With this awful track record of bespoke cracked material it’s frankly absurd that Cody should get the much coveted position as columnist. When he’s been funny he’s been really funny, but still nowhere near as funny (or funny as often) as any other contributor, but that’s just not cracked standard. There’s no legitimising this.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:58 am
the most funny part of this article was the picture of the girl –;
October 12th, 2009 at 1:35 am
it’s making fun of a plot hole in home alone 2. kevin uses that device to order crap over the phone and the adults who listen to him look like idiots.
October 12th, 2009 at 1:06 am
Heh, I had a Talkgirl when I was younger.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:55 am
Remember when Homer Simpson licked the hallucinogenic toad? Wow that sure was a hoot.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Is this just copied verbatim from an old Onion article?
October 12th, 2009 at 12:54 am
lol XD
October 12th, 2009 at 12:20 am
I kind of like this kid’s ramshackle style. This one was a little brief, but if he made enough of them it could be a decent body of comedic eccentricity.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Is there a joke in there? IF there is, it went waaaaay over my head.
October 12th, 2009 at 12:02 am
How the bloody hell is THIS funny? It wouldn’t be funny even in a family-friendly movie. Hell, DOB is funnier than you, and his last post (kind of) sucked balls.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
andy kaufman LIVES
October 11th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
@anonymousBastard
WIN
October 11th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
__ClassyMingle.com__ is the best and largest online personals site dedicated to men and women seeking a higher caliber online dating experience.
Our clients include CEOs, Professional Athletes, Doctors, Lawyers, Investors, Entrepreneurs, Beauty Queens, Fitness Models, and Hollywood Celebrities,
just to name a few .Everyone is welcome here. You don’t have to be wealthy or famous.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
i would have KILLED for that when i was a kid just to piss off jerks like you, then id bask in the glory of inspiring a blog on cracked
October 11th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Problem is, we LIKE to read cracked, is only that this guy actually interferes with our cracked experience by not being actually funny.
And thus, we have the right to bitch about it all we want.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
This was… okay. I still unbelievably hate you, however. Please, please get the fuck out of Cracked. I didn’t give Brockway or Seanbaby nearly as rude a comment when they first came and, later on, I began to love them because they turned out to not suck. You suck. You will continue to suck for forever. I have more than one article to base this off of on top of all of this because you joined with some freak multi-article-upload whose total quality added up to one godly comedic pube on Robin William’s wrinkled ball. Leave forever.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
Is this what Cracked is coming to?
October 11th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
all of you that are talking trash… get over if haha i mean really.. are you paying this guy? are you paying to read this? NO so what does it matter. if you dont like it then just move on, and read something else.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:23 pm
wow. that was bad.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:13 pm
If everyone else thinks they’re so much better than write your own damn articles! I like this guys style.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:49 pm
Ha! That was hilarious!
October 11th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
Again, your article just comes across as a bad parody of the Onion. Where is the effort here? Look around at the other Cracked columnists, they clearly put some time and energy into locating and editing pictures, videos, etc. Hell, Seanbaby cranks out full-length cartoons on a routine basis. When they said your writing would be “different,” did they mean “unoriginal” or “bland?”
October 11th, 2009 at 9:06 pm
I actually enjoyed this. It’s nice to have a different style representing Cracked, as it’s one I can relate to. Keep up the good work.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
sam saulsbury-
It was so rushed that Cody magically bypassed “0 seconds” and somehow fucking wrote this in negative time. Almost one year ago in negative time, to be precise. Just check his blog:
radiopantsdance.tumblr.com/search/talkboy
October 11th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
This is not funny…
October 11th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Dammit. Is The Onion buying out Cracked? I can get this dreck free with a $4 latte at any Starbuck’s on or around campus. Sheesh.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:30 pm
listn cody. your funny but u need to practice. this was rushed so next time try to work a bit harder. btw u haters on the page should shut the hell up
October 11th, 2009 at 8:26 pm
Are they really paying you for this shit? This is not comedy. This is you writing down the first thing that comes into your head, saying “good enough” and sending it in.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Is this a serious attempt at humor? The “punchline” is whipped out too early, it’s too weak to support an extended joke, and the entire thing is dragged out longer than even the best of jokes should be. The concept may have garnered a chuckle 15 years ago, when it would have actually been relevant. No one has had a Talkboy in over a decade, and ten year old kids are now using technology ten times more sophisticated to flirt with “women” on WOW. The only word that completely embodies Cody’s works: LAME. In every literal and cultural sense. Really, Cracked staff, where have your standards gone?
October 11th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
not to troll, but MEH
October 11th, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Cody makes me sad. I’ve flushed countless shits away down the toilet in my lifetime. If only I had stopped to pick through a couple. I am sure I would have found something better than this.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Expand on it!
October 11th, 2009 at 6:54 pm
on paper it doesn’t sound all that funny but if it were done as something like a youtube video might be better.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
seriously cody you need to slow the fuck down your going to burn yourself the fuck out
oh and your not funny at all
October 11th, 2009 at 6:18 pm
I thought this was funny, too. But it was kind of short. And maybe you should practice more? But keep at it! I giggled!
October 11th, 2009 at 6:10 pm
You’re funny enough, but slow down. Take the time to write something thats really great.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:02 pm
Is the fact that this article on cracked some sort of joke? Or is this just the standards of comedy this place has resorted to?
October 11th, 2009 at 5:54 pm
I thought this was funny. Keep it up!
October 11th, 2009 at 5:52 pm
This was much funnier when The Onion did this. Over. And over. And over. Again.
Ad nauseam.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:45 pm
WTF? Is this Gladstone under pseudonym?
October 11th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Bwahah, that was a funny and quick read. Fuck that movie.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Uh, please take the time to make something decent rather than just throw a couple paragraphs together; it’s starting to get annoying. Maybe have some sort of point you want to get across or even an anecdote; just try and do something that takes longer than half a minute to read.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
his other article(the break up letter) has more diggs than other articles of this site, so i would suppose people on the comments section only represent the angry people who felt the need to be douchebags
October 11th, 2009 at 4:55 pm
i like this guy
October 11th, 2009 at 4:43 pm
You know what, reading the whole thing was worth it just for “Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise”. That little absurdity had me chuckling for a good 2 minutes.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:20 pm
oh my god, perfect comeback to an incredibly stupid movie concept. nice job
October 11th, 2009 at 4:19 pm
It’s a great article! I had one of those annoying voice recorders back in the day too! Up until today I thought I had you fooled with my recorder I guess the dream is over
October 11th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I totally want to make a movie now and call it “Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise”. I won’t even bother doing the original, just go straight to the sequel.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
Do you think that cracked brought Cody into finally make doctor chaos kill himself or have an stroke with the anger that would surely build up in his troll mind after reading this garbage
October 11th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
to all the people who are bad mouthing this article so harshly I got a great idea write an article equal length and publish it on a world stage and if it is one tenth as funny or well written I will sincerely apologize
October 11th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I think this is a really relevant article thanks Cody that really must sting the makers of a product from 15 years ago and kids now grown up and old enough to realise your writing talents would be better served in Mad Magazine. On the subject I love this site for the Photoshop contests and the list based articles that are usually great but the columnist’s, bar Gladstone, are really not trying anymore, I get it DOB is crazy and likes drugs and drink, so does Brockway, who doesn’t, why not try and write about something else. Fuck me cracked columnists try harder or go fuck yourselves and just go and work for Mad or even better become a writer on 2 and a half men.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
i thoroughly enjoyed this.
AND i like seanbaby.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
I bet that the people who hate this like seanbaby. What tools.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
“Let’s go through my post again, analyze what I actually said, and see whether the words literally being used reflected what I was actually expressing.”
That. Right there.
The art of trolling. I bow to thee, sir.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
one word - LAME
October 11th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
I liked it. Simple, clever..funny. And yeah, its not “laugh out loud” hilarious like a lot of cracked articles, but its clearly not meant to be. Hell, I bet most of the kids posting these comments didn’t even know what a talkboy was–since they were probably an infant at the time. I don’t know why everyone is going apeshit.
October 11th, 2009 at 3:02 pm
This was great. I think many of you must be unfamiliar with this device or the home alone movie he’s referencing throughout it. Also, the title was an homage to the Onion. Perfect length for the joke. Perhaps not as funny as it could have been, but overall, I liked it a lot.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:57 pm
well it gave me a boner……….
October 11th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
its just so desperately unfunny. I dont know who cody is blowing to get his gig here but please please please take him off
October 11th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
“Not stroke victims, not Snuffaluffagus, not even Molasses Man, and I just made that guy up.”
“Or maybe you’re just eating Pop Rocks next to a bee hive, I don’t know.”
Those two lines alone were worth the read. Everyone in here that thinks this guy is “unfunny” are entitled to their opinions, but those of you shlitting on the guy just because you don’t care for his humor are flucking morons.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:43 pm
Heh, good stuff. I’m not sure why everyone has to hate on this, but I enjoyed it quite a bit.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Really? Really?? Why, Cracked?
October 11th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
I liked it
October 11th, 2009 at 2:35 pm
This was the shittiest thing I’ve ever seen on the front page, my only other complaint on the site is reposting old photoshop contests, but this is fucking horrible. Look at the length of that little scrollbar on the right. The length of it right now. Make it twice that long. That’s how long the article should be BEFORE there’s comments. The first picture was too big and very clearly a filler, and the second picture needed small text underneath it something like
“Wwwwhhhaaatt aarrrree yyyooouuuu tttaaallkkiiinngg aabbboouutt?”
Did you even read any of the sites articles before writing your own? Seriously, what the hell… Even the columnists have their own styles, I’m partial to Brockway and SWAIM personally, but read some archives from their posts and get an idea of how to do this before you just jump in and write this shit.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:08 pm
another swing and miss for cody. everything you do cody is an epic fail. i hate you and your one fan you have on here.
October 11th, 2009 at 2:02 pm
holy damn.
This is so terrible, just so terrible.
Everybody hates you Cody, just leave, please.
I accidentally clicked on a Cody article, it seemed good, I didn’t realize he wrote it.
From now on I am going to be more careful and not look at his material again, I suggest other people do the same.
Maybe he’ll leave then.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:53 pm
I like the new version with this is written.
No more WORDS WORDS WORDS
Just fun short.
is good.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Quite possibly the worst thing I’ve read on any humor site. Congratuations.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Well that was random! This read like an onion article.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Finally, something brief, original, and something that’s not a list and/or Dan O’Brien talking about himself.
Yeah, Dan was funny for a bit, but all he fucking writes about is himself. So self-centered. Got old.
At lease this is quirky, original, and brief. I found it funny.
Cody, don’t listen to these assholes who expect everything to be a fucking List that spells everything out for the reader.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
“Adult I’m Talking To Clearly Just a Little Kid on a Talkboy”
That sentence needs more words to be even slightly coherent.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
Ah, the old “give-something-well-known-a-slightly-reworded-name-and-think-nobody-is-gonna-figure-that-shit-out-in-like-two-seconds” trick.
Well played kid on talkboy, well played.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
I wanted this so bad to be good.
The deconstructing a Youtube video was good..what happened?
October 11th, 2009 at 1:30 pm
another one-liner that you felt the need to draw out into an entire page
October 11th, 2009 at 1:29 pm
WTF? Perhaps this would have been funny back when Home Alone 2 was relevant/on people’s general mind.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
horrid =(
October 11th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
@Slightlysnide
I’ll admit that I’ve defended him pretty strongly in several places. Most of those of us who have done this have done so because we think he’s funny and don’t think it’s entirely fair that he is being ripped for posting older stuff that doesn’t really fit the Cracked format but gives us a little background on what he does.
I know I personally have not criticized anyone for just “not getting it.” A person can very much get a joke and not think it’s funny. I think that most of us that defend the guy get this.
I don’t think that most of us are trying to drill anything into your heads… we just want to encourage a fellow we find funny who happens to be taking a lot of flak. We can disagree on some forms of humor and yet still agree on others!
October 11th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Is anyone else noticing that it’s the same peeps who are defending him over and over? This article was funnier than the one’s that were posted earlier, but not by much…This produced a smile, but not laughs. I get it, You are smarter than we are, and we will never be able to ‘get” your “humor”. Don’t drill it into our heads every minute.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Lame.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
God commenters on this site are fucking pathetic.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
If Cracked is paying you for your writing, I hope they keep their receipts. They should save the money and use it to give DOB more cheap wine and/or whiskey. At least that will pay off in the end somehow.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:34 pm
This is obviously a biting commentary about communication in the Internet age.
After all, aren’t there times online when we all feel like the “adults” we are talking to are really just little kids on talkboys… figuratively speaking?
October 11th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Heh. Nice.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
nice article, a little short, but hilarious
October 11th, 2009 at 12:24 pm
I like it, Cody. It’s fresh, original, and unique for Cracked.
Keep it up.
(your penis)
October 11th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
I enjoyed this, keep it up.. the good articles, not.. anything.. sexual.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Wow. When did everyone on Cracked suddenly get annoyed with 80 and early 90s references? Isn’t that 99% of what makes Cracked great? Give the guy a goddamn break, it was funny. And if you don’t like it why even waste your time being a sack of dicks?
October 11th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
cody, you suck. get a real job you filthy animal
October 11th, 2009 at 12:16 pm
Although I didn’t find this funny, Wren is a dumbass. Plight? Do you actually think this happened?
October 11th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
?
This isn’t that funny. I mean, we can empathize with your plight, but that’s the only reason someone reading this’ll crack a smile. We don’t exactly log on here to hear you complain.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:07 pm
did what?
October 11th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
damn I must have been drunk on that last reply i did
October 11th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Uh….this was pretty bad.
October 11th, 2009 at 12:02 pm
I agree also Dick, I’m not gonna lie, I wouldn’t try to write an article. Most I could would be maybe 3 funny sentences that people outside my circle that share a similar style of humor would also find funny. I mean people, really think on what’s said in this article and then think about how shitty the talkboy was. It’s right there when there’s an article about “Movie devices that save the day (but wouldn’t work in real life)” you seals would be clapping crazy over it. But what Cody, or C-Money as I call him, did was take that and put it from a narrative from “I’m some guy telling writing an article about how this wouldn’t work” to “really, you’re using that on me, it’s not working”. I think it’s clever.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:59 am
I like you Cody. Please continue.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:59 am
Hell yeah. I smiled when I saw the headline, and laughed when I read the article. Keep it up! People that don’t like it are either really young, or just didn’t care for that movie paired to this site. You can’t please everyone all the time.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:57 am
Dim79 I bet Cody could care less, it’s like I said, his critics aren’t producing anything funny. It’s like a 350 lb man calling a 250 lb man a fat ass. The 250 lb just takes that in stride.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:56 am
skkflip-
Agreed there too.
Being rude to someone who dared to put their balls out on the table and do something most people wouldn’t do is NOT funny. It’s not “ironic” either. It’s mean.
I don’t think enough people around here understand that.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:50 am
this article is pretty good. its different then most on this site. Its nice to have something fresh and different, its why i liked the brake up letter too.
after reading all the comments however i feel saddened.
it seems people hate different. They want the same old thing, time after time and have nothing change, ever.
oh perhaps they are just to young to understand the joke here.
I hope all these comments don’t get to Cody though. Because id hate to see him have to conform to ideas that everyone sets to him just because it’s how things have been done for awhile.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:49 am
Example: J Dizzle “I flush away better material than this on a daily basis.” You had your chance right there to show what you could do better and you didn’t. You made a twelve year old shit joke. Sad.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:47 am
LOL what kills me are the people trying to make jokes as to how “bad this sucks” and their jokes fall flat.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:44 am
cody-i for one loved this article-i laughed
October 11th, 2009 at 11:41 am
If the people saying that this new contributor to Cracked isn’t funny: if you were to take your head out of your ass and stop acting like dicks you’d realise that this is pretty funny stuff and that this guy is going to get better over time.
Think Swaim was as funny as he is now in the beginning? Fuck no!
October 11th, 2009 at 11:39 am
Seriously. Where did Cracked find this guy?
I flush away better material than this on a daily basis.
Not on par with the rest of the Cracked writers at all.
Hopefully Cracked hasn’t started a quantity not quality policy, because this Cody guy is proving how negative and destructive that could be.
I miss Ross, and this guy is an insulting replacement.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:38 am
Yea-
Thank you. You’ve restored my faith in humanity.
Jack-O-
As Yea pointed out, I was not trying to be funny and purposefully chose the name “Dick Richardson” so that people WOULDN’T take the comment seriously.
You win too.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:37 am
@ Dick
Actually, a better example of irony is someone who thought naming themselves “Dick Richardson” would be A) Funny or B) Allow them any kind of pretense of being taken seriously.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:35 am
he lost my vote with the un-funny penis article.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:34 am
@A.J.
The purpose of irony is not to be funny. And reading through, it doesn’t seem as if Dick was even trying to be funny in the first place.
A layman’s definition of verbal irony: saying one thing when you mean the opposite.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:33 am
Better than the last terrible entry but not by much at this rate I will laugh at your 196th article.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:29 am
Not funny, IMO.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:27 am
skkflip-
I very much agree.
I don’t think you quite see that I REALLY am on your side on this one. I wasn’t actually criticizing him at all.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:25 am
skkflip has a serious point! stop being asses people- have none of you heard the term “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”? Disney had a point dammit!
October 11th, 2009 at 11:25 am
I think part of the problem here is that most of you folks are so young and retarded that you don’t realize that the real definition of “irony” has nothing to do with being “humorous” or even particularly “witty.”
I weep for our younger generations.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:23 am
The thing I feel bad about with people criticizing this, is that if this was on Family Guy, played out the exact same, with Peter using the Talkboy a lot of people would think that was funny.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:21 am
All of you idiots got trolled, or all of you were born after the shitty Talkboy came out.
Either Way, GO DICK!
October 11th, 2009 at 11:20 am
Funny. I remember thinking similar things while watching the commercial for the Talkboy. Because it’s either an amazing coincidence that when the teenagers heard “Hi, kids we’re home early”it either sounded exactly like their parents. Or maybe a really tired person with down syndrome just broke into their house and they we’re scared shitless.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:18 am
“Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise.” If anything this is a better title to that horrific film, just saying.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:14 am
Dick you are not nearly as intelligent as you think. Bearing this in mind shut the fuck up.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I think the fact that Cracked have to trick us into reading this guy’s articles sort of speaks for itself.
The three or four of Cody’s articles I have read thus far have left me joyless. I’m not saying there’s no hope for him. And I like his particular *style* of humour - I started out doing stuff like this. But he’s just not executing it very skilfully, or funnily.
Let’s not write him off just yet, guys. But he does need to improve, and Cracked need to stop tricking people who don’t want to read his stuff into seeing it. That’s not going to win anyone over.
Actually, Cracked need to change a lot about how they’re doing their featured articles at the moment…
October 11th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Not what I was looking for in an article.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:02 am
A very sneaky suspicion that Dick is actually Cody and a harmless, narcissistic post spiraled into a pointless exhibition of ball-juggling Cody never really wanted to be a part of.
Dick, Cody, this must stop.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:00 am
lol dickface richardson failed pretty hard
October 11th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Dick,
Do you understand irony? It’s not just a word you say after a sentence in order to turn that sentence into a joke. You have to actually make a joke in order for it to be funny. Please keep this in mind.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Gonna have to agree with B-Smokes here. Constructive criticism you fucks.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:58 am
I work in phone surveys, and I’ve actually had idiots do this to me. You captured my thoughts exactly, man.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Posted by someone I won’t mention as to not embarrass him/her: “We all know if DOB or Brockway saw this assholes writing they’d beat the shit out of him and replace his eye balls with his own testicals.”
wow… no wonder you didn’t find the article funny…
October 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am
lol That is funny. I think people just gotta open up to other types of humor.. Seriously do you want a copycat of the current columnists? Plus, Cody is just getting started. These are just short blog type posts that were transferred to cracked and thus seem out of place. But if you look at the Cracked-style articles he wrote such as about Youtube fame, you’ll see that he is very funny. Oh and btw, his videos are always with with great subtle humor.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:50 am
You know that feeling you get when you have diarrea but it doesn’t burn when it comes out?
That is cody.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:42 am
Skkflip-
The first definition was not what I was referring to - that was there for your personal reference. I was, however, referring to the second definition:
“the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning.”
Let’s go through my post again, analyze what I actually said, and see whether the words literally being used reflected what I was actually expressing.
“You rotten asshole. You obviously fucking plagiarized this from someone’s on-the-fly blog posting written about a year ago and tried to pass it off as a serious, well thought out Cracked-quality article written over the past week.”
Hmm. Interesting. The tone of my comment seems to be highly critical of Cody and yet I am pointing out that, quite contrary to the normal criticisms around here, that the article was written a year ago and could not possibly be expected to live up to the expectations that people around here are placing on it. I went to the trouble of actually LINKING to the blog post, a blog that has the words “Dr. Mister Cody” right at the fucking top of the page. In fact, the URL that I posted signifies that I actually had to use the in-blog search function to find the post… the search is just a couple of lines under his fucking name. Is it possible, even slightly, that there might have been a hint of sarcasm present here that you just did not quite pick up?
“That’s a pretty shitty thing for you to do - ripping off someone else’s humorous spur-of-the-moment blog postings that were written well BEFORE you ever had an inkling you’d be writing for Cracked and then posting them as your OWN material as a crappy attempt to familiarize others with your personal writing voice and style. How dare you. I can see hiring that guy you stole everything from, though. He’s pretty damn funny”
Hmm. Again, contrary to the normal hate being spewed towards Cody, I mentioned that the postings were A. Humorous and B. Spur of the Moment blog postings that were written well before Cody was even approached to be a Cracked writer. I made the highly odd claim that Cody would somehow be trying to make people familiar with the writing voice of some other writer (who posts under the name “Dr. Mister Cody”, mind you) and that the writer of this other blog is quite funny and ought to write for Cracked.
The literal words I used appeared to rip into Cody. Actual reading comprehension shows that I probably was not entirely being serious and was actually defending Cody in a backhanded manner. Thus, the meaning being expressed by what I said did not reflect the literal words I used, the very definition of “irony”.
It was not an attempt to be “hip” or anything of the sort. Hipster irony is used to tear people down while I am actually defending Cody despite significant sentiments to the contrary on this thread.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:41 am
That kid in the picture is kinda hot. I’d do him/her.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:39 am
hahaha anyone else find it funny that the troll is named “DICK”?!?!
now thats ironic lolol
October 11th, 2009 at 10:31 am
Irony is showing people the link to his tumblr site thinking they would see his name at the top and give the plagiarizing thing a rest, but they still say he plagiarized it.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:29 am
Ok Dick, since you’re good at copying and pasting.
Socratic Irony is when a person pretends to be ignorance of something or someone in order to expose the weakness of another’s position. Utilized in a debate or argument, one party may feign a lack of knowledge about a topic and thus will make the other party explain his/her position in great detail. In this way one is forced to explain in great detail the topic that is supposedly so foreign to the other person. It is in explaining the topic, that hopefully the person will expose the fallacy or weakness in the position.
You didn’t do any of that, all you did was bitch, post a link. and after everyone called you out, you were being ironic. And it wasn’t the other 2 definitions of irony either.
You said you did that to show the irony in people that though this article was rushed. There isn’t irony in that, if people never seen that tumblr page before they would think this was new article. It’s not ironic, just people not knowing. Face it, your comment wasn’t as clever or as funny as you thought.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:24 am
meh
October 11th, 2009 at 10:22 am
Hmm. not that great.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:06 am
“Almost like it’s a cassette tape being played back on a device that came out in 1993.”
Home Alone 2 came out in ‘92. You just got served, Cody. By Macaulay fuckin Culkin.
October 11th, 2009 at 10:05 am
I feel like this was useless as well, but I enjoyed it.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:54 am
funny, but sort of useless… well, more useless than anything… with a smidgen of funny?
enough tomfoolery, get down to business.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:54 am
Very funny, Cody.
Ignore the idiots who A, decide they hate something, but then B, continue to comment here, getting in petty arguments about why they hate it.
Keep these articles coming.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:35 am
skkflip-
Taken from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/irony:
Main Entry: iro·ny
Pronunciation: \ˈī-rə-nē also ˈī(-ə)r-nē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural iro·nies
Etymology: Latin ironia, from Greek eirōnia, from eirōn dissembler
Date: 1502
1 : a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other’s false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning —called also Socratic irony
2 a : the use of words to express something other than and especially the opposite of the literal meaning b : a usually humorous or sardonic literary style or form characterized by irony c : an ironic expression or utterance
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony
You are a fucking idiot and your stupidity speaks more volumes about yourself than it could ever speak about me.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:31 am
LAAAAME!
October 11th, 2009 at 9:30 am
LOL Dickhead, there was no fucking irony in your comment. You are so fucking retarded. Maybe at best satire of someone else bitching, quit thinking you smart by saying your comment was ironic, it wasn’t ironic. Fucking hipster wannabe. Save ironic hip writing to the people that write to this site.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:28 am
The “plagiarism” part was ironic in that Cody’s name is at the top of the fucking blog. It takes a very special type of stupid to think that my cries of “plagiarism” were anything but tongue-in-cheek.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:24 am
skkflip-
You obviously missed the whole fucking point of my original comment. I don’t have time to be lectured on the meaning of “irony” by brain-damaged idiots who most likely have trouble velcroing their own shoes.
They “irony” that you apparently missed is that people are acting as though this was a hastily done article written for Cracked when it was written a year ago. The “plagiarism” part was something called a “writing device” used to get people to go visit the blog in order to see that this wasn’t written with this particular audience in mind.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Dick Irony is when you and your girl are about to fuck and she knows she’s about to get good sex but then you pull down your pants.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:18 am
Hey Dick, acting like you thought he plagiarized this article isn’t ironic, so save your insult of “You win the fucking I’m-A-Boner-That-Doesn’t-Understand-Irony Award.”
October 11th, 2009 at 9:16 am
Olli-
It’s rather funny when you fail in pointing out someone else’s fail.
I’m pretty sure that’s a sign that your father and mother were brother and sister.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Damien, Oblivious-
Yes, assholes.
You win the fucking I’m-A-Boner-That-Doesn’t-Understand-Irony Award.
Oblivious - Apt choice of name there, by the way.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:14 am
“You couldn’t say “home alone 2?” was it a legal thing? I hate america, free speech my ass” I think that was the joke, the banker remembers plot elements of the movie where he seen the kid use one of those, but couldn’t remember the name.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:11 am
Dick, you just failed pretty hard.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:10 am
@BGH122
I’ve done a bit of flaming here in these comments sections, most of which was tongue-in-cheek, but I’m going to be serious for a moment.
I hate the “everyone was a n00b once” argument too. It’s as idiotic as the “let’s blindly rip into the guy” approach.
Cracked does not give columns to pure “n00bs”. They have a group of editors with pretty damn good comedy credentials themselves who, on the basis of evaluating and enjoying someone’s past work, might offer that someone a contract. That is what happened with Cody.
Part of humorous writing is establishing voice. Generally, the way that voice is established is by writing and by familiarizing readers with stuff you have written in the past. Cracked had him post a bunch of his stuff so as to establish himself here a little better. The major complaint against Cody is that his articles aren’t written at Cracked Columnist levels of quality. I think that complaint is quite accurate. I also think that it misses the point - these are not articles that Cody threw together AS a Cracked columnist or even as a potential Cracked columnist. Cracked didn’t just hire him out of the blue and then have him just write a bunch of stuff over the past couple of days. This is just stuff he wrote on his blog before he even had an inkling that he’d be in the position he’s in now. It’s posted so that people can become familiarized with his work and his brand of humor. Some of this stuff is a year old.
The “wait and see” approach advocated by some of us isn’t an attempt to be nice. It’s a matter of recognizing these postings for what they are. There are quite a few of us who find his blog quite hilarious. The only article that he has officially written for Cracked is the Tiger Woods one, and if you don’t like that one I think you have valid grounds on which to criticize the guy.
All I’m saying is that it’s kind of stupid to take the rest of his articles as more than they are and to criticize him as though they are representative of the way in which he will write now that he is writing to the Cracked format. It’s too early to tell.
October 11th, 2009 at 9:06 am
Funny, but like your previous stuff, too short!
October 11th, 2009 at 9:04 am
Good stuff!
October 11th, 2009 at 9:01 am
“You’re a kid and you’re lame and you’re wasting my time” Holy fuck it describes Cody perfectly! This is a joke I’m willing to bet. We all know if DOB or Brockway saw this assholes writing they’d beat the shit out of him and replace his eye balls with his own testicals.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:59 am
Ummm Dick Richardson if you even bothered to look at the page you posted youd see it says “Dr Mister Cody” at the top.
HE WROTE THE FUCKING ARTICLE MORON
October 11th, 2009 at 8:58 am
Dick Richardson:
That was Cody’s old tumblr blog. He was bought out by Cracked and he works there now. He’s reusing his old material, not plagerizing.
Unless you can plagerize yourself. In which case, ouch.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Guys this is a website about pop culture dick jokes, so how how about we all just calm down a bit,huh? I thought it was funny, but once again pop culture dick jokes, it a humour site, calm down.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:45 am
Dammit Cody!
radiopantsdance.tumblr.com/search/Talkboy
You rotten asshole. You obviously fucking plagiarized this from someone’s on-the-fly blog posting written about a year ago and tried to pass it off as a serious, well thought out Cracked-quality article written over the past week.
That’s a pretty shitty thing for you to do - ripping off someone else’s humorous spur-of-the-moment blog postings that were written well BEFORE you ever had an inkling you’d be writing for Cracked and then posting them as your OWN material as a crappy attempt to familiarize others with your personal writing voice and style. How dare you. I can see hiring that guy you stole everything from, though. He’s pretty damn funny
Plus there were not nearly enough Dick jokes. Humor doesn’t work unless it references my name in one fashion or another.
Also, fuck you.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:39 am
I like trolls!
October 11th, 2009 at 8:37 am
You couldn’t say “home alone 2?” was it a legal thing? I hate america, free speech my ass.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:36 am
I think it is funny
October 11th, 2009 at 8:30 am
I hope Cody gets AIDS.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:23 am
I was just going to leave it at that, but after having read the comments here I think I’ve got to throw in my pointless shitty opinion so that everyone can ignore it and go about their day unaffected.
To all the people defending Cody with the pathetic “C’mon guys, everyone was a noob once!” arguments and the “C’mon guys, your criticism is making him cry!” arguments consider this:
1) Yes, everyone was new once, but Cracked is not a testing ground for comedy newbies. Cracked is an ostensibly professional humour site, don’t let the fact that anyone can contribute to the fun throw you: cracked.com is here to make money for cracked.com. They produced magazines until the cash dried up and now they’ve switched to this format because it’s more profitable, they aren’t providing this site out of the kindness of their hearts, they’re providing it because ad-money still flows. Now when frankly boring shit appears on their front page, a new visitor has literally no idea that ‘cody’ isn’t representative of the truly hilarious material on this site. That user will read this article and, potentially (because, let’s face it, the internet is so full of turds that we just follow first impressions), think “What a crap site” and never return. That’s less ad funding for Cracked and, in turn, less funding they can use to make the site even more awesome. Make no mistakes, we were all new once, but livejournal is the testing ground, cracked is the real thing. Cody and his ilk (because he’s not the only terrible comedian here, he’s just the only terrible columnist) deserve no lenience: all comedians on this site should be held up to the professional paradigm of DoB, Brockway or Bucholz’ standards.
2) Whilst it’s true that reading hurtful criticism is, well, hurtful, Cody needs to hear it. If we all go around pretending the crud he’s churning out is rocking our world then it not only denies Cody the chance to become a good comedian, capable of one day getting off web comedy and into the real, but it also devalues the achievements of the best comedians on this site. If we’re not honest with about our opinions then how can the great guys here, who make us genuinely laugh (often significantly more so than the so-called ‘comedy’ on TV) believe us when we say they rock our worlds? Remember when it comes to evaluations : harsh reality > nice illusions.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Some of the comments are a bit harsh and immature. Personally I don’t get why people bother to read (and comment) something they don’t like. Just skip Cody articles if you find them so repulsive. This one wasn’t a classic, but so effing what? I see no point in bashing a presumably decent guy for making an effort, especially when it wasn’t that bad. Just not great either.l
October 11th, 2009 at 8:12 am
Yo Cody, I’m really happy for you, and I’ma Let you finish, but DOB has the best articles of all time!
October 11th, 2009 at 8:04 am
Why is this dross back on front page?
October 11th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Cody, Cody, Cody… So much potential but none of it is coming through. You gotta sit down and think long and hard about what you want to say, and how to make it funny, because otherwise you’re just going to continue to be mocked. All this stuff seems to be stream of consciousness, which can be funny, but not with you.
October 11th, 2009 at 8:00 am
I agree with you, Kurwa, though I’d keep a more civil tongue when expressing that opinion.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:57 am
I don’t have the heart to say what I’m thinking after reading all that snarky abuse but seriously. Every columnist has an off article or thirty but this is kind of sad.
Cody, you seem like a pretty cool guy but please stop watching that Friedberg and Seltzer crap. It gave you one good article but it couldn’t possibly have been worth sitting through them in the first place. Do us all a favor, watch some Monty Python or classic SNL, get as wasted as you need to and make with the awesome.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:54 am
hey man, i was starting to like you, but maybe you should stick to making videos, those were funny.
imma give you another chance though
October 11th, 2009 at 7:54 am
I actually find the stuff that Cody writes really inventive and funny. He finds humor in the most obscure things and writes really funny and unconventional articles on them. So what it’s if it’s not like every other article on here? It spices things up a bit. People just need to stop crying and get on with their lives.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:51 am
dude, this guy is ripping off the style of the onion completely
October 11th, 2009 at 7:45 am
Cody, you are just reposting shit from earlier in the week. It wasn’t funny then, and its not funny now that you have added one additional picture.
All of your articles are like this. The original bit of humor that made sense to you does not necesarily make sense to us. And not only that, but you seem to have gone in a completely different direction than most people with even the slightest flair for comedic writing.
I see where you got the idea for this article from, you saw Home Alone 2 and thought “what if some kid tried to use a talkboy to get stuff in today’s world?” And yes, that does have some slight potential for humor, but it could be much much better. Even with the scant bit of humor potential it has, this article has made use of none of it. Perhaps you could work it into your future articles as some sort of recurring theme, but as a standalone article, this just makes me want to cut my wrists.
Theres a little thing called subtlety. We get that you’re talking about Home Alone 2. We get it. We get that talkboys don’t really work like they do in the movie. We get it. We get that it would be absurd to see this happen in real life. We get it. We get that a kid who tries to use a talkboy like this is stupid and imitating an old movie. WE GET IT. Don’t just shove your poor attempts at jokes into our faces.
Your articles are short and stupid, they dont make anyone laugh, and you piss me off by reposting shit that you already posted (albeit a little cleaned up ie. pictures added in). Are these articles from your blog, or some creative writing class? Either way, they are in no way complete or funny. Stop writing like a 12 year old and we might come to like your work.
And what about posting this on the main page with the author credited as unknown? That was a stupid trick to get around the fact that all of us hate cody’s writing and would not view it otherwise. The only thing about cody that anyone likes is that he gives us something that we can all hate together. We only view his articles so that we can read the comments.
In short, Cody, you have no business writing for cracked because you are not good at writing, not funny, and hated by most of cracked readers.
I hope that this is just a joke by cracked. Maybe you guys are trying to see how many readers you can piss off. I dont know, but I am hanging up now because I have a real life human job to do. (doesnt that just piss you off? “real human job”) Fuck you cody.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:36 am
Christ, what is wrong with you? Crack? Smack? Mescaline? Heroin? Fuck man smoke some pot or do some coke, at least that has produced some decently hilarious jokes. This bullshit that you are now repetitiously feeding us has got to stop. I tried to give you a chance, but no more. Keep feeding us these horribly unfunny and dick-less jokes, and I swear to DOB I will find you and I will take your hands for trophies.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:25 am
Well at least some of the comments were funny so it wasnt a complete waste of time.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:24 am
it started out okay, but got worse
October 11th, 2009 at 7:10 am
Why is cracked trying to portray this guy as “weird,” and why are a few people buying into it? He’s atypical for cracked, but this is by no means strange or original. It’s basically just a poor ripoff of columns done by The Onion.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:05 am
i’m not really much of a troll or commenter but could cracked please not lie to us? i’ve read cody’s stuff and decided i didn’t like it and to leave it at that, but this showed up on the front page and was credited to “unknown” so i gave it a shot only to sigh deeply when i saw it was cody. i don’t care if the guy stays or goes, but can you at least give us a heads up so we aren’t tricked into adding to his article views? thanks
October 11th, 2009 at 6:54 am
This is a great news!! so, for celebration, I want to recommend you lonely guys who hate lonely nights a great online club to meet your activity partner, romance and lover, either for heat or passion: __ http://tallconnect.com ___ the most popular place for hot modelss, handsome men meet and mingle! u might be surprise what u end up with!!LOL
October 11th, 2009 at 6:50 am
Definitely the site has been hacked - Cody is in reality Fat Awesome.
It’s too damn obvious to have to be said really but for all the commenters that say shut up you’re not entitled to be entertained - take a look all around your preciously unfunny article - see those ads? Cracked makes money just from me and everyone else who hates this pathetic drivel being lured into clicking on it through promise of entertainment. That’s how advertising works. No lookee no monee.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:45 am
Okay so how can this job go to me instead?
October 11th, 2009 at 6:39 am
@Jack: the only way I’m the real Cody is that if you are Jack O’Brien.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Say what you will–It’s still better than seanbaby…
October 11th, 2009 at 6:25 am
Good. Yeah, there’s room for improvement, yeah, it’s not Swaim or DOB or anyone, but I liked it.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Look guys, I think Cody just needs to get into the swing of things. I mean remember when Brockway started? All I’m saying is give Cody a chance. Just go look at his videos, they are fucking hilarious.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:04 am
Who cares!!! My boyfriend thinks the same with me. He is eight years older than me, lol. We met online at Agelessmatch @ c o m a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:01 am
The new guy is making me unhappy
October 11th, 2009 at 5:59 am
We are all Cody.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Wow! And here I thought getting kicked in the nuts by a syphilitic mule was the worst thing to happen to me this week. Thanks for making me wish I was back in Mexico douche bag.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:49 am
Wait, i’m confused. Is the guy who just commented under the name ‘Cody’ actually Cody trying to make a point about how insulting people are being towards him, or just someone else posting under the name ‘Cody’?
October 11th, 2009 at 5:44 am
Have fun, find your love for 100% free on ____ http://www.diamondsingle.com is a private exclusive dating club to meet millionaires, rich and beautiful men and women worldwide. Find your perfect match easier and more effective! Hope you can find your perfect match
October 11th, 2009 at 5:37 am
It’s like punching a troll in the face and then running off.
Quick and satisfying.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:35 am
Now, if I was Cody, and saw these comments on ‘my’ article, what would i feel?
Think about that folks. He’s got a heart too.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:34 am
*sigh*
just not that funny… i can tell a little more thought has been put into it but eh… 3/10. It’s like he’s mastered the insults displayed by the other columnists without the witty and poignant observations or flat out left-field situational humor or ability to humorously describe a situation.
there still may be hope tho.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:32 am
Jesus, some of these comments are pretty harsh (and needlessly so). Yeah, sure the article wasn’t exactly side-splittingly funny but it wasn’t by any means painful. I kinda liked it. I’m not entirely sure why people were so offended by it.
Oh, and Jerry down there, if you skipping 85% of the articles on Cracked, how are you going to know whether they’re funny or not…in fact, why are you even coming on this website? Surely if you’re not reading the articles it’s pretty hard for you to have an informed opinion, and therefore SHUT THE FUCK UP!
October 11th, 2009 at 5:27 am
@hazardlad
Yes. Exactly. Yes.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Whoa! Home Alone 2’s called “Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise” where you’re from? Far out…
I actually thought this was pretty good - though would have like a bit more dialogue between the two, maybe a punchline. Still, Cody seems to be getting better and better. I’m glad i didn’t just stop reading his stuff after that shitty “Idiots guide to Dummies” piece.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:15 am
I don’t have the heart anymore. I want Cody to be awesome and loved and adored by sexy sexy women, smelling of erotic perfumes with soft hands made of adulation. But this just isn’t funny. Sorry dude.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Awesome. You’re little posts are like a quick hit of funny instead of having to read DOB’s 307,040,497 word column about the “Parts of Obama I would put into my mouth” to get the same amount of laughs.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:59 am
snafaufiguss=win
October 11th, 2009 at 4:38 am
Getting funnier
:)))))
October 11th, 2009 at 4:33 am
I though that this was pretty gosh darn funny.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:27 am
Most people bashing this are probably pissed because it reminds them of their own failures when using the Talkboy.
It was a decent laugh. Not exactly utter brilliance, but not bad at all.
October 11th, 2009 at 4:23 am
Cody, please, read through your columns before you post them and try to remember that there should be some humour in there somewhere. You know, a joke, a bit of a smile, something clever.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:10 pm
I liked this one.
October 10th, 2009 at 1:36 pm
Yeah, I had a Talkboy when I was a kid. And even though I’d seen Home Alone 2 like, 7 times already, somehow I still knew if I tried to sound like an adult with it, it wouldn’t work. So instead, I just used it to see what the word “fart” sounded like really slow.
October 10th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Haha, I think Cody will be one of my new favorites. His contributions do bring some quick, simple laughs, AND he gets everyone’s panties in a twist. Its just like Fatawesome and White Ninja; if you don’t like it, don’t click it. Cracked is free for everyone to read, and I’m sure none of the people who complain the most have ever donated a single dollar to this website. So guess what? SHUT THE FUCK UP BECAUSE YOU AREN’T ENTITLED TO SHIT, ASSHOLES! Well, besides being entitled to make yourself sound like a baby that just shit it’s diaper after a nightmare.
October 10th, 2009 at 9:47 am
Wow what the hell is wrong with you guys in the comments section? Constructive criticism is one thing but flat out putting some one down for there work? That’s not cool. I don’t see any of you guys getting your articles posted so right there that means that no matter how bad you may think the articles are, Cody is still better than you just because someone is publishing Cody’s articles. Anyway Cody I think your articles have been pretty funny so far and I most definitely welcome a new cracked author. I cant wait to see what you have in store for us.
October 10th, 2009 at 8:41 am
I don’t think it’s been hacked. It’s just cracked. I mean look at the articles that have been posted here over the years. How many are really that funny? I’ve gone through them and skipped 85% of them.
October 10th, 2009 at 6:34 am
No, no, no, you aren’t getting it at all, people! Cody here is doing stand-up, only written down on a page! It’s perfect! He’s taking observations from his day to day life, and relating them in a humourous way. I salute you, sir.
October 10th, 2009 at 5:52 am
Of course everyone is just mad at you because you are new there Cody ma’Boy. Sure this article isnt…that great…But im sure you already understand that internet peoples are idiots and flamers should go die in a pit somewhere. Im looking forward to new articles, all you need is experience about being a little more humourus. And if you talk about me on comments, its not like im going to be reading it you dumbasses.
October 10th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Dear Cody,
Please fucking stop, You’re not even weird funny.
Love,
Tim.
October 9th, 2009 at 9:03 am
Fuckbuckets! WILL IT NEVER END????
I have to commend Cody for writing such utter trash that I felt compelled to post a comment, something I never did until the 6th.
Remember, Remember, the Sixth of October.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Hey Cody!
I totally don’t know you at all. I completely happened upon these articles by mistake! Strange, eh?
These articles are really funny! They made me laugh a lot because you’re a really funny guy that writes well. I wish we knew each other because I bet you’re a really cool guy and would be a good friend to hang out with, what with your Volkswagon, plasma screen tv and your xBox.
Anyways. I really look forward to reading your articles in the future because these are really funny and I hope to get to know you better on here because I don’t know you from anywhere else.
Seriously though, you’re funny.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:11 am
Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise
first weak smile you caused on this side of the screen, cody.
a very, very, veeeeery weak smile.
it was gone in milliseconds.
just like you hopefully!
October 7th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
What did I do to deserve this?
It was my birthday yesterday, and it was awesome.
Is this the universes way of balancing things out?
By godslapping me in the face really fucking hard the following day?
October 7th, 2009 at 10:37 am
I honestly just checked to see if it was April 1st. I couldn’t think of another explanation for this.
October 7th, 2009 at 6:43 am
you know what… i think i have to agree.. cracked was hacked!
October 7th, 2009 at 5:05 am
What an edgy, topical article!
I can’t wait for next week where you point out the plot holes in “11 Year Old Baseball Player Becomes a Pitching Sensation”!
October 7th, 2009 at 2:53 am
Oh my god I feel nauseous
October 6th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
So your title kind of murdered the fuck out this joke. Also, “Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise”? Followed by a direct line from the movie? Why don’t you just take a brief aside in the middle and explain the entire joke in parenthesis?
Hammering nails into your readers’ skulls would be more subtle and possibly more appreciated.
October 6th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Uh what is going on here. First I can’t access the Cracked articles in the morning, and finally when I’m able to in the afternoon I find some new columnist. Whose articles are all posted in a single day, aren’t that funny, and they’re just not that good. Has Cracked been hacked?