Adult I'm Talking To Clearly Just a Little Kid On a Talkboy
Listen, "sir," I know you think you're being clever. I know you think you're fooling me big time and it's only a matter of seconds before I approve this loan for you over the phone, but you need to know two things. One: That's not how banks operate. You need to come in and fill out a loan application and we will discuss it face to face. Which brings me to Two: You will never come in and show me your face because you are clearly just some kid messing around with your new Talkboy.
Yes, when you slow down the speed on the playback, your voice sounds lower. But it also sounds much slower, you dumb, dumb kid. Nobody talks that slow. Not stroke victims, not Snuffaluffagus, not even Molasses Man, and I just made that guy up.
I also can't help but notice that you have yet to respond to any of these allegations. I will assume that's because in order to respond, you have to cover up the phone, record your response, rewind it and then play it back into the receiver. And guess what? Regardless of pitch or speed, your voice is accompanied by what can only be described as "whirring" and "crackling." Almost like it's a cassette tape being played back on a device that came out in 1993. Or maybe you're just eating Pop Rocks next to a bee hive, I don't know.
No, wait. I do know. You're a kid and you're lame and you're wasting my time because apparently you just saw a movie that came out before you were even born. That's right. I'm not an idiot, and I've seen Lonely Christmas House 2: Misplaced, Manhattan-wise. Nice try.
I'm hanging up now, because I have a real human job I need to do. Next time, try calling the early 90s. Or better yet, just stop and think for a second about how stupid you definitely are.
In other words: Use your brain, ya filthy animal.
::click::
sounds like a conversation between you and Brockway
ReplyCody! How could you deny that poor retarded man's loan application by phone!? Couldn't you email him instead??
ReplyI really don't get all the Cody hate...I mean sure, he isn't DOB or Brockway or Bucholz or Swaim, but I bet a lot of the haters couldn't write s**t...
ReplyAww, that was too funny! "I also can't help but notice that you have yet to respond to any of these allegations." This made my day.
ReplyCody, I thought this was really funny, brother. You take a lot of trash talk man but don't worry about it, a lot of the people bashing you are pretty clearly very stupid people. You're a funny guy and I think a great writer.
ReplyMalapterus, I'm pretty sure it's an entirely fictional comedy article
Replythumbs up to cohiba
Replywho's this cody everyone's talking about? :S
*facepalm*
I know this came out weeks ago, and no-one else has commented in like, nine days.... but, as I've just read it, I will say...I thought it was funny. So there.
ReplyWhat was the point of this? Did this allegedly really happen, or have you taken the time to think out how you would react if you were a loan officer that a child called using a device that doesn't even exist anymore? Are you trying to convince us that you can outsmart a child over the phone? Maybe if there was some sort of backstory to this it would make sense, but as it stands it's such an unlikely situation that it seems like a random narrative. Did Home Alone frustrate you so much that you stewed and schemed as to what you'd do if someone attempted this on you? Did it take you 16 years to figure it out? Please provide answers.
ReplyYou, sir, fail.
It's 2009 and someone's criticizing a crappy kid's toy from an early 90s kid's movie in some sort of satirical form?
ReplyThis is clearly a waste of space, I want my 5 seconds back.
A glowing example of mediocracy at it's finest.
ReplyJust realised that Cody is behind those shite video game tutorial videos, Cody you are histories greatest monster and JOB you are satan himself for allowing this ear eye and mouth rape to be published on such a fine site. May god have mercy on your souls
Reply"Nobody talks that slow. Not stroke victims, not Snuffaluffagus, not even Molasses Man, and I just made that guy up."
ReplyI thought this was a hilarious line.
Good job.
Um... what's 6 x 7 ?
ReplySee? I know all about the mysteries of life!
Am I supposed to start flaming people now?
oh cool an article i wouldn't find relatively funny even this was 1993 when those things were still recognizable to people other then nostalgia faggots
Reply32,
ReplyEr, well, they're equipped with caffeine pills. That's pretty similar to cyanide, right?
Wow...that was a terrible article
ReplyI can only assume you've equipped my as-of-yet undelivered army of short retarded people with their own cyanide caplets?
ReplyAnything less would be a egregious breach of imaginary contract. I'll have to ask for my empty box back.
Agent 23,
ReplyIf it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty certain that the Bones novels actually predate the Bones TV series, unless they've been releasing new novels I'm not yet aware of. Sad to say, Bones is one of the only three TV shows I actually watch (the other two being House and NCIS)... mainly because I sort of have a thing for half-Irish half-Chinese chicks like Michaela Conlin.
Re: your second question, the answer is neither. Bathroom linen-type items might have made sense back when Adams was writing but, goddammit, these days I never travel without a cyanide caplet.
Agent Shriner:
ReplyWe may simply be a product of our times. Adams has been loosing popularity with each passing generation.
Old and Busted: Quality sci-fi and comedy writing.
New Hottness: LOTR and Harry Potter clone series. No, seriously, this is a billion-dollar industry.
Who's to blame for this? We are. The writers haven't gotten worse, the public just wants dumber material. Hence, Twilight, Potter and the lovely Golden Compass series. Lets not even get into the novelization of the "Bones" television series.
In any case, this could be the reason no one's jumped in to our numerical discourse.
Shall we instead discuss the best item to take traveling? I'm torn between bathroom linen-type items, and handguns.