Cracked Columnists

Abusing Tina Turner Never Goes Out of Style

Unless your name is Alan Parsons or Trevor Horn, Phil Spector owns your ass when it comes to producing hit songs. Just a sample of his body of work:

  • Co-wrote and produced "You've lost that Lovin' Feelin,'" the song that received the most radio play in the whole of the 20th century.
  • Produced John Lennon's "Instant Karma!" and "Imagine," and The Beatles' "Let it Be."
  • Produced albums for The Ramones and Leonard Cohen.
  • Pulled loaded guns on The Ramones and Leonard Cohen, built a gold coffin for his wife and threatened to kill her if she was ever unfaithful, kept their son locked in his room with a pot instead of a toilet, and almost certainly shot and killed a woman in 2003.

    • Unfortunately, that last part tends to be the only one people focus on these days. That's why I'm going to bet his recent speech at Ike Turner's funeral was more of a diversionary tactic than anything else. In case you're unaware, here's a brief rundown of Ike Turner's career:

  • Routinely beat his wife Tina Turner.
  • Was apparently beloved by Phil Spector.

    • I'm not saying those two facts have anything to do with one another, I'm just broadly implying it.

    Spector did a good job spreading the shit around, insulting Tina Turner, Oprah Winfrey, Whoopi Goldberg, and Eric Clapton. I guess he just really hates menopausal black women.

    That, or the fact that in the later seasons of Next Generation, Whoopi totally sucked up all of Riker's screen time. No, wait, that's why I hate Whoopi Goldberg.

    Spector called Tina Turner's book (and the resulting film) pieces of trash, credited Ike with making her the jewel that she was, claimed Ike could play circles around Eric Clapton, and Eric knew it, and said he had an ambivalence about Oprah Winfrey. Well, I think we all do Phil.

    But when you get down to it, what did the accused murderer love so much about the drug-addled wife beater? In his own words He never, ever bothered me. He never interfered with me. He never got in my way.

    And we all know what happens to people who get in Phil Spector's way.