12 Abu Ghraib Torture Photos (Made Fun!)
Normally I try to remain politically neutral on the blog. It's not my place to tell you where to stick your genitals, or how to abort your babies, or which rifle butt to beat your spouse with.
But when I realized former Vice President Cheney had accidentally CC-ed me a batch of photos from Abu Ghraib destined to be released to the public by the Obama administration later in May, I knew I had a civic duty to pull in clicks for Cracked by splattering them all over the Internet a week ahead of time.
The ACLU have been trying to get the government to release the photos for a while now, hoping to build a criminal case against officials and guards who committed interrogation techniques they say constitutes torture. Meanwhile, the guys from the Bush Administration maintain that they worked within the confines of the law, and honestly, after seeing the photo packet Cheney is sending out, I think the ACLU might be overreacting.
The email made reference to whether "they'll buy it," but man, if this is how the detainees were treated at Abu Ghraib, I'll buy a ticket there right now!
Author's note: Because I can't take the heat, and because I don't want to get curbed, I'd like to thank all the readers who recognize this piece for what it is. Namely, a satire of an attempt by government officials to absolve themselves of torturing prisoners, something they should not be allowed to do in a sane world. If this piece offends or outrages you, my advice would be to find out more about the current efforts to prosecute those officials criminally. If you didn't find it funny, well, then, fuck you guy. Check back Monday.
Swaim is the "master of discpline" over at Those Aren't Muskets! You can also follow him on Twitter, where his level of activity is rapidly leveling off.
I know this was for humor, but don't you think it's a bit tasteless? Oh well, still love your work Swaim.
ReplyI loved the 00s, what ever happened to them.
ReplyWait, people believe the government's self-justifications anymore? Who knew? I guess mandatory schooling is useful after all!
ReplyI am definitely a horrible person for laughing at this article, but I'm not the only one. Good show, Swaim. Good show.
Obama said these interrogations lead directly to the killing of bin Laden by DEVGRU, so im totally ok with this.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesSo goes the official line. Its equally likely that he was sold out by one of his Pakistani protectors. After all, he was worth $25million and no longer had any active role in al-Quaeda. He was basically a drain on resources and worth more as a body than a man.
It would make sense for Obama to use this as justification for shamelessly reneging on his pledge to shut that place down. So lets not get too excited over illegal detention and torture just yet.
Cuz Obama tells the truth always, no matter what! =)
Except the guy only gave the useful information AFTER the physical torture stopped and other methods were tried. Torture was totally useless - and science says it almost always is - and we might have gotten the info sooner if we hadn't relied on it and tried better methods.
Efforts to prosecute war criminals??? That was indeed very funny. USA wont allow international tribunals to prosecute american war crimminals never. It´s like if you tought that your little adventure in Afganistan and Irak is your first misdeed. Before was Vietnam, and Chile, and Guatemala, and Panama, and Cuba, and Mexico, and Colombia, and Canada...
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYeah, its a humor site and nice attemp and all, but the sad thing is that these are the things your goverment and military do, and they will never pay for it. Don't cheat yourselves.
Its not our fault that you country is too unimportant or just doesn't give a f**k enough to try and help other struggling countrys or people other than themselves. I'm sorry that USA isn't perfect in everything we do, but we are good enough to bail your b***h asses out if another world war were to come around, and you wouldn't be b***hing about the USA then. All you anti-americans are so clouded by how perfect your tiny little do-nothing countries are, and all you do is thumb your nose at the people that do things for a change. Go ahead and think that your tiny little s**tty country is any good after it gets run over by Nazis like WWII, but don't go thinking that USA will still be there to bail your ass out, after all don't go cheating yourself.
Can't notice if bugme's a troll or not. Damn Poe's law.
Or just very stupid.
He`s not a troll. Americans think that way...
Sure Jobo, let's make generalizations because that's okay. Not all Americans think like that, just the dumb ones (admittedly that's well over half the population, but that's not my point). So please don't generalize because I don't say all blacks are bad or all Chinese and North Koreans are communists.
Most of these people were SUSPECTS, not convicts, so no, they did not deserve to be tortured. Not only that, but torturing people who aren't necessarily guilty can actually cause them to admit to crimes they didn't commit because they can't stand the pain anymore. This has happened countless times, most notably to Northern Irish people in England during the troubles. I definitely think things have gone too far in the other direction now - giving prisoners f**king internet access and Sky TV and comfort and reduced jail sentences while their victims rarely get adequate compensation is ridiculous - but that doesn't mean all human rights should be scrapped. It really doesn't do us any good if we're locking people up without knowing whether they've done it or not.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAnyway, fun article. Oh yeah, and Bin Laden's dead. I think we can ALL agree that's a good thing.
Not trying to get these guys to confess that they indeed did hold up the corner liquor store, these guys were insurgents or suspected insurgents whose mission in life was to kill American troops. As someone thats life was saved numerous times by actionable intelligence that may or may not have been acquired in a questionable manner, I'm not gonna shed a tear for em.
yes innocent dudes were there, and that is NOT ok, but they were the minority. hooray for gitmo!
Many people where simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, most of these people never had anything to do with terrists, that's why slot of them where eventually released. Even when they are actualy tourists it's been proven again and again that torture is not actually as good interrogation.
ommggg ppl acctually think ppl deserve being treated lik this(post below!!) ..then wht d difference between u n nazis..or evn better u n 'terrorists'??
Replythese actions saved lives. these interrogation directly lead to the death of bin laden. you are a weak ass p***y.
everybody mad
ReplyThis is awful
ReplyI mean the torture in the photos, not the article, article was great
as usual from swaiim
Okay a*****es, listen up. These people did NOT DESERVE what happened to them, so don't say it. If you think they did, you need to have your testicles confiscated until you earn them back. Saying people should be tortured so you look "Tough and patriotic" just shows who you really are. That is, an ignorant douchebag. And if you are such an uptight jerk that you think this should never be joked about, you are yet again wrong. We can't get past the sorrow and suffering without learning how to smile again.
ReplyYou win 0.3 Internets.
@ u235
ReplyMan, I'd LOVE to see someone arrange it so that your mother's name appears on a terrorist watchlist. I mean, you do know that most of the people tortured were found to not have anything to do with terrorists/ terrorism, right? Most were just regular folks whose only crime was that they were living in a 3rd world country that america wanted to invade.
Maybe you'll think differently about torture when it happens to someone you care about...
f**k those terrorist s**tbags.. They deserved all they got and more. Do all the namby pamby liberal s**twipes who protest abu graib think American prisoners are treated any better? What if every time you drove your car you had to worry about being blown up by IED's planted by these same terrorist pigs.. I say torture the s**t out of them. I keep writing to the president asking him to appoint me minister of torture.. but the sissy ass ignores me..
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesYeah! Because the only way we can do anythin about terrorism is to TORTURE EVERY MUSLIM IN AMERICA... No where near all those men were terrorists, and even if they were, it is far from ethical to torture anyone, especially while claiming to be a land of freedom. If having common sense makes me a liberal s**twipe, then I'm a liberal s**twipe.
you amuse me.
@u235:
People like you are the reason Americans are considered evil by the people in the Middle East. Please shut up, you're lowering the IQ of anyone who reads your posts.
He said namby-pamby, a term he most likely lifted that from a Skittles commercial.
His opinion matters not, he is, however, quite amusing.
It isn't torture it is enhanced interrogation and it saves lives. Sucks to be on the receiving end, but I'm still breathin because of it.
I think a lot of people on both sides are missing the point, it's not just a joke, and it's not just distasteful. The beginning of the article is talking about how certain people want to keep the images kept away because of the acts not being outside of what is deemed necessary (to them). I really think it's more about, it's still torture, paint it how you like, sugar coat it if you must but it doesn't make it any more okay.
ReplyI read the author's note, but I don't think I would have written anything like this. Sorry Swaim, I get that it was a noble cause, but I think you may have gone a bit too far.
ReplyI doubt he cares. Kind of like how I don't care. People are just too easily offended these days. Tsk.
He went to far? What about the wankers who committed the torture against SUSPECTS? Not proven terrorists, suspects.
Ah-MAZ-ing.
ReplyI;m commenting way late and can tell nobody will read this, and nobody will even care, because everyone apparently thinks they are smarter then the all-powerful Michael Swaim. The satire pokes fun at the intensity of the pictures. The 'joke' is that [if these were the actual pictures released] everyone would realize they were overreacting to the way the captives were treated. Now I await [or don't] the criticism that will have nothing to do with my comment or the article.
ReplyMichael Swaim, I guess someone should teach you what satire really is. Because, this isn't it.
Reply"Although satire is usually meant to be funny, its greater purpose is constructive social criticism, using wit as a weapon."
Its ok Quartz. One time I was trying to order food at a McDonalds and forgot what "pull forward" meant.
This comment is directed to all the 'Read the author's note' responses and butthurt comments. Yes, Swaim is joking and of course he isn't trying to lighten the severity of the situation but there are some things you don't joke about. Trying to make it funny alone (intentions aside) is a sick thing to do. Yes this is a comedy Website, but it's because of that that these pictures shouldn't be on here in one form or another. I get the humor in it but it's not something that should be seen as humorous, albeit satirically. Just my opinion.
Reply Hide All See All 4 Repliesthere is nothing, NOTHING you cannot joke about.
the day it is forbidden to joke about inappropriate things is the day i master space travel or kill myself.
^ this ^
Yeah? Try to say jack about the Jews, see how long you last.
I think Swaim's purpose with this was to get people to talk about it. The fact that so many people on here are engaging in a discussion about the events in question, I think, justifies the way Swaim did it.
Its funny, sort of.....but the end note ruins it.... "because i can't take the heat ??".... i read a lot of your articles Swaim, and i Know you know your stuff, but I was wondering.... if the Abu Ghraib tortures had happened in some country where you could be sued easily for offending sensibilities...say Canada(FTW?)... or I dunno Spain?(off the top of my head)
ReplyIf those torture victims...many of them were innocent....decided to sue you or demand you take this article down...would you do it?
Like they demanded with Muhammad in South Park....either everything's OK to make fun of or Nothing is....
I personally found it distasteful, because those guys in the pics were humiliated..... if those pics had been just about the guards THEN its a satire....with the naked real-to-life torture victims in the background for comedic effect.......NOT a satire
Just there for shock value. Unnecessary shock value, which this article could have done without.....but you were doing pretty good in the middle, like for example, the pic with the guard dragging the polar bear....that was funny, the rest... not so much
Cheers
because it is wrong to draw attention to torture....is that what you are saying?
public enemy called rap "the black CNN".
i firmly believe comedy is the intelligent persons CNN.
or maybe just the actual CNN. that too.
Did everyone READ the author's note?
ReplyHey, f**k you guy.