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Abraham Lincoln: Portrait of a Crazy Badass

There's something about me that I don't like to talk about a whole lot. I may allude to it here or there, but I don't usually make a big deal out of it. I'm normally fairly private, but it's the middle of February and, I don't know, maybe I'm just caught up with the holiday spirit. Plus if I can't say it now, when can I say it?

I freaking love presidents.

As a result, and in honor of President's Day, I am thrilled to provide you with a closer look at one of the great men who served our country as King: Abraham Lincoln. Loved by many, hated by some, shot by one and feared by anyone under 6'4", Abraham Lincoln looked at the scarred and wounded terrain that was a divided America and covered it with a warm, bushy beard of protection. He stood atop Mount America in our toughest hour and proclaimed in a booming voice, "Liiiiincoooooooln!" And you know what? He was right.

He was also a whole bunch of other things that didn't get a lot of coverage in your history book. That's where I come in. Please enjoy Abraham Lincoln: Portrait of a Crazy Badass.

He Was a Mutant

Abraham Lincoln had long arms, which makes sense, as he is the tallest president we've had. What doesn't make sense is specifically how long they were. They reached a length that many Cracked writers named Daniel classified as "superfreakgiant." According to William DeGregorio's Complete Book of U.S. Presidents -- a book that I keep on my bedside table every single night1 -- Lincoln "had disproportionately long arms and legs," and might have even suffered from the Stretch Armstrong disease, more commonly known as Marfan Syndrome, though "suffer" is hardly an accurate word. You wouldn't say Wolverine suffered from Claw Pox or John Holmes suffered from Awesome Dick Disorder. It's not exactly suffering if your disease is "I have massive arms that I've made even stronger by repeatedly swinging an axe every day of my life."

If you rearrange the letters in Marfan, you get "Arm fan," which is appropriate, because this condition is basically your body's way of saying. "I am such a fan of arms that I decided to make you more arm than man." (This is probably not where the name came from.) Normally, those with Marfan Syndrome also suffer from heart problems, but it looks like Lincoln just got the "inhumanly giant arms" aspect of the disease. This, combined with a lifetime of muscle-enhancing chores like axe-swinging and house-building, made Lincoln a force to be reckoned with by anyone with a shorter reach, which is to say, everyone except Mr. Fantastic and some gorillas. Several historians claim that, in his final campaign speech, Lincoln demonstrated his superiority as a candidate by juggling Democratic opponent Stephen Douglass and three of his advisers four feet in the air. It is largely if not entirely responsible for his victory.

It's not just that his arms were superfreakgiant; they were incredibly strong. I know this next story is going to sound like bullshit, especially since it comes on the heels of a clearly photoshopped picture of Lincoln juggling four men, but I swear I didn't make it up. Several sources claim that, when Lincoln was in his 20s, they saw him carrying a box of stones weighing one thousand pounds, regularly. But not everyone agrees on that figure, of course.

Some say it was 1200.

Whether or not his strength had anything to do with his status as a Marfantastic Four sufferer is unclear. What we do know is is that Lincoln is fully capable of crushing any man who crosses him. We'd better just hope he's more of a lover than a fighter ...

He Was a Stone-Cold Badass

Well, there goes that.

When Lincoln was a teenager, he moved with his family to New Salem, Illinois, a town that was unofficially run by an unruly gang, called "the Clary Grove's Boys," whose only common bond was "physical strength and prowess." That's it. They were only friends because one of them noticed "Hey, we're all good at beating hell out of shit; let's make that 'our thing.' " They would routinely get drunk and beat people up at random and reportedly called themselves "regulators" and "were the terror of all who did not acknowledge their rule." Jack Armstrong, the leader of the Clary Grove's Boys, was the biggest in the gang and the toughest fighter in the area, and he wasn't shy about either fact. Lincoln (still brand new in town) was sick of hearing about how good of a fighter Armstrong was and bet Armstrong $10 that he could find someone who could beat him.

Armstrong accepted but, when fight day arrived, Lincoln's man never showed up. They waited and waited and, when Armstrong demanded that Lincoln forfeit and pay up, Lincoln decided that, rather than lose $10, he would fight the bastard himself. While Lincoln did have an advantage in both the height and giant-freak-arms departments, Armstrong had a lot more fighting experience under his belt and was the odds-on favorite.

The story of how the actual fight went down varies. According to New Salem resident Daniel Burner, Lincoln spent the fight tiring Armstrong out and then, when the moment was right, "swung his long leg over Armstrong's neck and made Armstrong run around holding him up in that position," which, yes, is pretty ideal placement for farting right into your opponent's mouth. Another source claims Lincoln simply grabbed Armstrong by the throat, lifted him right into the air and "shook him like a child" until he surrendered. Some even say that Lincoln was beating Armstrong so bad that the rest of the Clary Grove's Boys joined in, and Lincoln just laughed and laughed. And then beat their asses. What we do know is that, when an artist was asked to depict the fight, this is what he came up with:

"Hi, I'm new in town and I'd like to military press the toughest punk among you until you all fear me. MAKE ME PRESIDENT!"

After the fight, Armstrong and the rest of the Boys decided to become best friends with Lincoln. That might seem crazy, but if your choices are "swallow your pride and play nice" or "constantly live in fear of the terrifying Stretch Armstrong Frankenstein," you'd probably choose the friend option, too. Luckily,Lincoln was loyal to his friends and very reasonable. It wasn't like he was crazy, or anything.

Wait, that last line sounded a hell of a lot like a weird segue ...

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Daniel O'Brien

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