6 Shows That Might As Well Be Coming Out This Summer
Regularly-scheduled programming is over. Aside from a few cable shows like Mad Men and Futurama, we're going to have to wait several months for anything good or bad to be on again. In the meantime, here are a few of my own pitches to networks to tide us over during the summer. I'm sure they'll be an enormous success, given that they're all in the worst genres of television ever.
The Crappy Sitcom
They still exist and they might exist forever. They tell you when to laugh and they feature a traditionally unattractive male comedian you'd never actually want to see in a sitcom (or life) opposite a traditionally attractive female actress you may or may not recognize as being a person. They are constantly mean to each other because their marriage is loveless, and they have useless non-character children. And don't forget The Unfunny Kramer. It's all because they think you're stupid and the problem is, a lot of people are stupid. They need to be told to laugh and they enjoy watching a 22-minute string of insults, followed by a lesson already learned by the audience. You know, from life. Or any other sitcom of the last 50 years.
And that's fine. Watch what you want to watch. I'll even make it for you and it'll be everything you've always wanted: Garbage.
Great theme song, though.
America's Got A Lot Of Nerve
Can't get enough of people telling other people how horrible they are at what they do? Want to see some freaks? Want to see some talented people do some pretty amazing things that will never actually lead to a career in that field because there's no one at Career Day trying to sell you the life of a guy who sings Rubik's Cube algorithms while whipping snakes at his dancing emu? If you answered "yes" to all of the above, then you've found America's favorite genre of television: shows about judging people. Awesome. Just like Jesus wanted. At the Bible's request, I vote for a show about America taking time out of its busy day to tell people they suck at telling people they suck. It could also be called America's Got Time On Its Hands, and it will be hosted, of course, by the Internet.
The Really Crappy Sitcom
This is just like The Crappy Sitcom, only it also involves real human feces. Every single line in the show is a literal turd that plops out of the mouth of some actor who's not even washed up, because they don't respect you enough to rinse their dick off before they rape the lulz out of your funny bone. And lucky us, there's a puke-faced kid who deserves a punch in the face less than he deserves a puke in the face right before a thorough punch in the fucking face. In the interest of cynicism, I present to you CBX's summer worst-thing-you've-ever-seen: Two and a Half Men, One Show.
Great theme song, though.
But, Oh-Em-Gee! How Will We Replace Lost?
Whether you were satisfied with the finale or not (or even watched the show), ABC's Lost made a tremendous cultural impact. Since its first season, other networks have been trying their hardest to clone it. There are some shows with good bits here and there, but they all have basically the same result. Now that Lost is officially over, what will fill that gap? DOB has pitched his ideas for replacements and I would watch every single one of them. The problem is, most TV executives are misguided and don't know what would be hilariously awesome/terrible/awesome. What they do know is sequels. Spin-offs. The franchise. Regardless of quality or even the original creators' blessing, another Lost is practically guaranteed. I present to you my own pitch for the spin-off, Lost Two. It takes place directly after the Lost finale, which ended with (SPOILER ALERT!) everyone hugging and going to heaven.
A Reality Show About Whomever
I don't even want to take the time to discuss these "reality" shows, so I won't. They all might as well be this...
The Rebirth
The rebirth is a fairly new concept. A show will be prematurely canceled and due to DVD sales or general interest, it will be brought back on the air, sometimes on a different network. Futurama has recently returned to television and they managed to pull it off splendidl- ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD. It was a close one, though, because the show was almost made without the original voice actors. In fact, one of those voice actors (Billy West) once replaced the original voice of Ren in the Ren and Stimpy rebirth. Is this ironic or just a thing that happened? The Internet may never know, but the absence of the original Ren was still quite unnerving.
The rebirth can even end up like its cousin of lower-intelligence, the remake. Aside from different actors, these will often employ changes to the basic story or tone of a show. When Family Guy had its rebirth, it saw the return of the original characters, but also not really.
Since there's no chance at this point that they'll bring back Arrested Development or Freaks and Geeks, the hit Internet failure Squidshark Ocean Vs. Stop Sign Sun gets a rebirth instead. Sure, it doesn't have quite the same voice, it over-complicates a formerly simplistic storyline, and it's overestimating its popularity, but damned if it isn't also shorter. I wanted to use a common form of title, too; something like Celebrating Eloise or Complicating Martha. Here is the first and only episode of Being Butterfly Balloon, a really great show.
Terrible theme song, though.
When Cody isn't trying to save or destroy television, he fucks around on his blog, Facebook, and Twitter. All while watching TV.
Am I the only one that thinks he's funny?
ReplyContent must be included
ReplyI check out Cody's articles every so often...only to keep my sense of humor in check.
Reply("Cody's still not funny? Oh, good. Thought I was almost at the point of being thoroughly amused by anyone dangling keys in front of my face.")
You show A LOT of promise, though.
*Edit - It could be keys, or balls. Take your pick.
Haha just doing the same thing. Hmm Ive read all the other cracked s**t, been ignoring cody for months, mb I'll check in to see if he's done any good work. Hmmm, nope looks like he still sucks.
Christ! Squidshark Ocean Vs. Stop Sign Sun theme is 6 f**kin minutes long, I thought something was wrong w/ the lost 2 player for like 5 seconds before I realized CONCEPT! this was an awful article BTW, and unfunny Kramer? Seinfeld rocks! whats wrong w/ you guys, Its because its old right? f**kin hipsters at Cracked!
ReplyI think he was pointing out how most sitcoms these days try to emulate Kramer with a cheap replacement.
Squidshark Ocean vs Stop Sign Sun was created by Cody so he feels like mentioning it in EVERY f*****g ARTICLE HE WRITES.
First couple of times I saw a Cody article, I though he had promise but not yet enough to be working as a Cracked blogger (since they got the job for being funny).
ReplyI stopped reading his stuff for a while, dropping by occasionally to see the comments, and then started reading again after about 10 or so. By then he was doing pretty well, but not hilarious or really up to the potential of any of the other bloggers.
I stopped checking the Cody articles out again for a while, and now I've come back and he's actually started becoming funny to more than a select group of individuals.
Err...good job?
Now just work on the voice in your videos, and you'll be good to go. Or, since this is the internet, not.
i love how you accurately depicted the evolution of seth mcfarlane's turds.
Replysnip
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ReplyFinally someone agrees with me about family guy
ReplyYOu're not alone.
Love Futurama, Arrested Development, and Freaks and Geeks. f**kin' hate Seth MacFarlane. The Cleveland Show? What the f**k?!
ReplyHey Cody, could you give me the chords for Being Butterfly Balloon?
ReplyI f**kin' got it man! The whole squidshark oceans vs stop sign sun thing! It's f**king genius! It’s made to look retarded but actually it is not! The stop sign sun are the authorities, man. They are sun becouse a society can survive without them and they are out of reach and they are also a stop sign because they tell us not to do things like smoke weed and s**t. And we are the squidshark ocean, man. The rest of the society. We are ocean because we are like many and we are also a mix between a squid and a shark because we can “bite” as bad as a shark and we have many “arms” like a squid. The stop sign sun looks retarded couse authorities are retarded. And they are laughing at us, man. And the whole video is just telling a story. One of the oldest stories ever, man. The revolt of the simple people against the authorities. It’s the same again and again – the squidshark ocean tries to cut all of the stop sign sun’s retarded crap. The authorities are like “Don’t smoke weed, yo!” and we are like “f**k you, f*ggets!” And we rise against them but they are far from our reach, man. There is nothing that we can really do. And it is not only about weed,man. It’s about every single one of their bulls**t. We reach our many squid arms against them and try to bite them with our shark teeth, but they are always avoiding it. This is happening since forever, man. That’s why the video is like ten minutes. Also, that retarded singing and the stupid drawings are making the whole thing a satire. And the whole repeating thing is to show that the story is always the same. The squidshark ocean can’t reach the stop sign sun. And the background. It is yellow like a desert. It shows that we are alone with them in the nothingness. No one is god here, man. Everyone’s equal at first. But they are just in the better position – they are the sun. They are not smarter, stronger or better than us but they keep telling us what to do and we can’t do s**t about it. And that’s how it goes, man. The squidshark ocean never reaches the stop sign sun.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesMother f**king A, Cody!
f**k the authorities!
This actually made me laugh harder than the video itself.
ok stoner reporter dude from Apocalypse now
Frankenslut is surprisingly accurate for a guy named Frankenslut.
omgcodywtf It's almost been a week since you posted this and I haven't managed to find a way to get squidsharkocean vs. stop sign sun out of my head!
ReplyIt's driving me absolutely f**king crazy.
But I looooove it.....
I wish Cracked would replace Seanbaby articles with Cody articles.
Reply Hide All See All 5 Repliesf**k you.
@LadyAwesome: Looking at your exquisitely eloquent way of expressing yourself, I take it you are a fan of Seanbaby's (= one of his aliases)? How's the weather down in Vulgaria?
Bradbury, I agree. Except for his video game articles. Those are amazing.
Eh, they both have their pros and cons. I don't mind either, honestly.
That, and Seanbaby actually scared Uwe Boll off.
Ladyawesome probably had a reasonable argument, but this is the internet so she put it in a way everyone would understand and reply to.
I love you Cody. Mostly for the Two and a Half Men, One Cup thing.
Reply"...not even washed up, because they don’t respect you enough to rinse their dick off before they rape the lulz out of your funny bone."
ReplyWow, I had to re-read that one, then committed it to memory for later use. Thanks for that.
I wish Cracked would replace Cody articles with the spam comments from the comments section. They're a lot more entertaining.
ReplyTerrible theme song is right! I had to turn my volume down after hearing those repetetive lyrics four or five times.
ReplyYou know what surprised me in this article, Cody?
ReplyIt didn't suck.
Honestly, I think I'm starting to see Cody's appeal. He tells his best jokes in video form, but the execution is poor. He tries to write articles in a very different style, but because of this, it's unappealing to most of us. I like the Lost video and the Two and a half Men video, but the jokes would be better if you didn't make the video unnecessarily long.
awkward place of "because of this". Because of what? because he tried to write articles in a very different style? it that's true - how does that make it unappealing to most of us? if you meant: his writing is unappealing to most of us because his execution is poor then you might want to rearrange those sentences. your writing is poor. otherwise I'd suggest you write your own article since you're so critical of Cody's. thanks for the unclear insight!
This was awesome! Right on the money.
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