A Review Of My Pants: Because Kohl's Refuses To Post It

After a simple online purchase from Kohl's, which was flubbed on their end, I was emailed over and over and over again to leave a customer review. I put it off for a long time because I was busy, and I'm not much of a complainer where shopping is concerned. But after the sixth email virtually demanding it, I finally did. When I hit the "submit" button, I was taken to a screen that told me the review would take up to 48 hours to appear on the site. That was a month ago, and it still isn't posted.

When I checked up on the status of the review, I got a notification that it had been rejected. Which is really weird because I didn't use profanity, anger, or even sarcasm in any form. I simply told them my order had been messed up, and though I wouldn't be using the online store anymore, I would continue to use the physical location, because I was always happy there.

I figured it must be a technical glitch on their end, because it would be unethical for them to post nothing but four- and five-star reviews, while leaving my two-star feedback off of their site. Kohl's is an upstanding company, and they'd never purposely do that.

Via Kohls.com
Here's every single rating shown on that page.

Since I work online for a living, if anyone understands the annoyances of technical difficulties, it's me. So to help out Kohl's, I'll just post my review here on Cracked. It's probably better this way, anyway, because had I never posted the review at all, as I had originally planned until they talked me into it, nobody would have seen it. Had the assumed technical problem never happened on the Kohl's website, and my review had actually been posted there, only a couple hundred people would have seen it. But Cracked has a much larger following, so this review can now reach the wide customer base that Kohl's had hoped for by ceaselessly emailing me about it, demanding that I write one. I hope this review can help improve their business.

The Ordering Process

The ordering process itself is very intuitive. The page has a professional, clean design, that allows you to see close-up views of the product you'll never receive by hovering over it with your mouse. The checkout button is easy to find, and the product placement really does a great job of tricking you into believing that what you're ordering is what will arrive at your house.

Via Kohls.com
Pictured: What you'd actually receive in a perfect world.

Some items of clothing, such as the above jeans that I wish I could have worn, offer a variety of colors that you can view by clicking the purely cosmetic buttons below the price. They don't actually change your order or affect the product in any way, but they're fun to click. It's like a little mini-game you can play while shopping. You can't do that in a real store!

Via Kohls.com
Wait, it comes in Fleur?! Finally!

Beyond that, ordering happens exactly like every other site. Click "add to bag," then "checkout," then select your shipping preference. The one thing that does make Kohl's online store special, though, is that you never know what will actually be delivered to your house. It might be the jeans you just paid for; it could be a new bed. Who knows?! That's what makes shopping with them interesting and fun. Life isn't about planning, kids. It's about living in the moment and dealing with what the universe throws at you. Life is pants-shopping at Kohl's online.

The Delivery

Pants were delivered.

The Quality Of The Product

I can't speak to the quality of the pants that I had hoped to clothe myself in, but the ones I received were fine. I mean, for pants that I never would have ordered and never even considered putting into my shopping bag had I been at their physical store, they were adequate. They did what pants are supposed to do, which is save me from a public indecency charge and lengthy registration paperwork.

If I get a bad meal at a restaurant, I'm not the type of person to send it back. I will just quietly eat what I do like and then never return. I'm the same way with online purchases. I don't like the hassle of having to repackage and reship a bad order or deal with a lengthy customer service call, and if I can make use of the product they sent me, I will. This was the case with these pants. They fit and I didn't hate them, so I just decided to live with it. I settled, and I'm fine with that.

They make it look like I have no butt. And that makes me sad.

But, yeah, the quality is great. I'm sure they'll last for years. Years of owning and wearing these settled-for pants that I can only dream of replacing with my original order. Years and years of mediocrity ... knowing that in some warehouse lay six pairs of jeans I would have infinitely preferred to have on my body. Years of being reminded each morning, as I slide my legs into these not-what-I-ordered pants, that I could have had better.

The Customer Service

I can't really speak on the subject of customer service, because I never contacted them about my messed-up order. Well, not technically -- I didn't email their support staff. I mean, I did write a review, telling them exactly what the problem was, but they chose to not post that review or address my issues in any way, except to silently reject it behind the scenes.

I know that they have my email address, because not only was it included with my deleted review, but they had no problem contacting me half a dozen times, begging me to write the review that would never appear on their site. Maybe they should have stressed in their emails that they were looking for a good review. That would have probably cleared up a lot of confusion and possibly gotten mine posted. I'm a writer by occupation, so I understand the need to tilt an article to appeal to a specific site's themes and sensibilities. I could have done that, had they let me know that's what they were looking for. Or I could have never written a review at all, which was my original plan.

Above: My original review.

I suppose that if their customer service department is connected to the "please leave a customer review" team, then I'd categorize them as superb. They are persistent and effective at getting me to finally buckle down and let the world know that if you order something from the Kohl's online store, you could end up with a box full of random things they decided to throw in there while blindfolded and possibly a little high.

The only customer service I can attest to is their in-store team, where they once addressed my issue of their security guard who pointed at my wife within touching distance and told his co-worker, quite audibly, "Keep an eye on her," after we'd spent $1,500 on clothes for my family and a pretty nice watch for my anniversary present. The manager was eager to apologize and extremely passionate about ending conversations and walking away as quickly as possible, so she could get back to more important matters that were taking place far away from me. I appreciate that level of efficiency, which I can't say I saw in the online division.

The Fit And Comfort

The fit is great, as they're made by Helix, which is one of the rare companies that seem custom built for tall guys like me. I can't say they're all that comfortable, though, because it feels like I'm wearing jeans that were meant for another person. Because I never ordered them and I never really wanted them. It's like these jeans were stolen from a poverty-stricken, fashion-blind family who desperately needed them, which is the only situation I can imagine in which a person would intentionally own a pair. Wearing them makes me emotionally uncomfortable. It makes me feel ... I dunno ... dirty.

Via Kohls.com
I mean, seriously, look at it.

Hopefully this article will satisfy your unquenchable thirst for a customer review. After this article goes live, I'll contact your home office to follow up and see if it does, and to request that I stop getting emails from Kohl's, asking me to review the $180 worth of not-what-I-ordered clothing. Maybe by then they'll have figured out a fix for the bug that didn't allow my original review to appear on the site. If not, I'm sure you could contact Cracked's executive editor and get permission to post this review in its place. If there's any way I can help, please let me know. You have my email.

If it helps, I rate the pants five stars.

What's The Best Fictional School To Attend? In the muggle world, we're not given the opportunity for a magical hat to tell us which school we should go to. Usually we just have to go to the high school closest to where we live or whatever college accepts our SAT scores and personal essay. This month, our goal is to determine what would be the best fictional school to go to. Join Jack, Daniel, and the rest of the Cracked staff, along with comedians Brandie Posey and Steven Wilber, as they figure out if it's a realistic school like Degrassi or West Beverly High, or an institution from a fantasy world like Hogwarts with its ghosts and dementors, or Bayside High, haunted by a monster known only to humans as Screech. Get your tickets here!

Need an extra kick in the pants to go out and be your best self? Check out David Wong's 6 Harsh Truths That Will Make You A Better Person, and, according to science, watching Schindler's List can make you happier (even if you aren't a Nazi). See why in 7 Things You Won't Believe Science Says Make You Happy.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel to see why so many comedy movies are obsessed with pants in 5 Weirdly Similar Bad Jokes That Show Up In Great Comedies, and watch other videos you won't see on the site!

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