Way back in 2007, when an innocent world still kind of liked Kanye West, and thought there'd only ever be three Indiana Jones films, a plucky little outfit called Cracked.com launched a new columnists section. This was the place where the loyal Cracked reader, tired of learning that the eight most things they thought about something were completely wrong, could come to read comedy that had no interest in educating them. "My time certainly isn't very precious," they'd say to themselves, honestly. "Now let's fill it by reading the words of someone who values theirs even less."
It was during those early, not-fooling-anyone days of the column, that I wrote almost exclusively about the show Heroes, for reasons I'm still not clear on.
This was also right when everyone in the entire world became sick of even thinking about Heroes, and with every column I wrote the show's ratings plummeted. To suggest that the two events are related is to probably overstate my influence on the cultural landscape, but let's go ahead and do just that, if only to boost my self-esteem--management says they're tired of me freaking out and destroying mirrors around the office.
So, because we've all agreed to decide that my satirical attention will doom any show NBC dares to air, and because I'm always looking for ways to sabotage them further--due to their continual failure to pick up my pilot script Detective Fist: Crime Fister--I've decided to use my magnifying glass of a column to focus Cracked's rays of stupidity on their latest "event" serial drama, this one subtly named The Event. It premiered last night, and if you watched it you would have been treated to a barely coherent mess of people rushing around starkly addressing each other about conspiracies and need-to-know-bases and all sorts of horseshit. The premise of the show seems to be that some "event" is going to happen, and that by watching it happen to a bunch of attractive people, the television audience will forget that they already watched Lost once, and didn't like it much then either.
But there's a problem with NBC's formula: By basing a show around a single secret, interest will inevitably deflate and grow floppy once that secret is revealed. I've thus determined that NBC will in fact have multiple "events" during the course of this show, with a new one featured in every episode, each one more eventful than the last. After every event happens, there will be all sorts of shock and calamity and then a character will turn to face the camera and say, "But what about the REAL event?" And then a loud DUNT-DUNT-DUHHHHHHHHHHHN sound will play and the president will go "Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" and then the credits will roll.
Based on this deduction, I've created a short plot summary for the first and certainly the only season of The Event. Hopefully this will be enough for you to grow interested in, annoyed by and then tired of the show, and save you the trouble of actually watching it. Seriously, screw you NBC. Detective Fist could be the Huckleberry Finn of my generation. Elbow deep in crime, and just cutting it up like a boss. Seriously, grow some vision-balls.
Event #1: Airplane Calamity
The first Event that the show will be about involves some sort of crazy plane mishap. The pilot episode shows someone trying to fly a plane into the president, which would be extremely eventful, except that they miss, when the plane is swallowed by some kind of space orifice. That's still pretty eventful, and everyone is amazed, discussing the eventfulness of it, when the science-lady turns to the president and says, "But that's not the REAL event," and then the credits roll.
I am not kidding. That's how they set up the cliffhanger. This show is as subtle as shooting the pope with a gun that fires pedophiles.
Event #2: Military Coup
The next Event will occur shortly after the airplane assassination attempt, when the president is forced into hiding. While he's underground, a shadowy group will overwhelm his security detail and keep him hostage. Then, this conspiracy led by the military and the Boy Scouts of America will seize control of the government. Martial law will be declared, and an outright ban on all airplanes, assassination attempts and space orifices will be strictly enforced. At the end of the episode, the president will be pacing back and forth in his cell, going, "Man, I can't believe I got couped!"
But then the jive-talking teenage hacker who's also locked up will turn and say, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN Mr. President, that sucka's fo-sho not the REAL event!"
Event #3: The Earth's Magnetic Poles FlipThe real Event is that the Earth's magnetic poles are about to flip. All the most attractive scientists and hackers in the world have uncovered evidence that this has happened in the past and is about to happen again. Primarily to create dramatic tension, but also for other reasons, the conspiracy decided to lock them all up. As a shadowy CIA figure stroking a white cat observes, the costs of reprinting all the maps in the world upside down would devastate the already shaky economy, and it's thus in the nation's best interests to keep this a secret.
"No you fool!" yells the president, because he's in the room at the time listening to this. "This event will do more than just change maps because of science!"
"That's right Mr. President," says the president's wise butler, also present. "The REAL event is just getting started."
Event #4: Shark Week
In an attempt to co-opt the Discovery Channel's most popular programming gimmick, the next real Event will be branded "Shark Week." All the sharks in the world, having been made hyper-intelligent by the magnetic poles flipping because of the science, will become immediately hostile. The sharks will join forces with their natural ally, the Puerto Ricans, and in a series of coordinated attacks, seize Washington D.C. "That was eventful as all hell!" the president will exclaim. "We have got to do something about all this before it's too late!"
"But it already is too late," says the disgraced astronaut who is now the president's closest adviser. "They're doing the REAL event right now."
"Of course," the President sighs.
"In Space!" The astronaut adds.
Event #5: Gay Bomb
The real Event will turn out to be a ploy by the CIA/military/Boy Scout conspiracy to regain control of the capital from the enemy. Out of desperation they deploy the secretest, most closeted weapon in their arsenal: the Gay Bomb. This chemical weapon, launched from space, and designed to release pheromones and aphrodisiacs in an attempt to "reduce morale" amongst enemy troops, will backfire horribly. Thanks to shifting weather patterns caused by the flipped magnetic poles, the chemical will disperse out of control, "reducing morale" across the entire Western seaboard.
"Holy shit!" the president will say from behind a gas mask as he watches an armored column, entirely reconfigured as parade floats drive by. "This is going to be the wildest summer ever."
"Indeed it will Mr. President," says the proud and honorable shark-leader. They have come to respect each other and are now friends. "But wait till you see what happens next!"
Event #6: Kylie Minogue Conc- SHOW CANCELLED
The final Event is that the show is canceled after five weeks due to sagging ratings, and replaced by a hastily assembled new drama: Law & Order: Crime Fister. Later, I receive a royalty check for $80, and hug a mirror.