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Fred Savage's Calls to the Girl Who Played Winnie Cooper

-Beep.-

"Heeeey, Danica, it's me, Fred. Fred Savage. You know, the Kevin to your Winnie. 'America's Sweethearts,' right? 'Destined lovebirds,' am I right? Hahaha, can you imagine? I mean, can you? Oh, man, we've had some good times. So, anyway, Danica, the reason I'm calling is that I feel like we haven't talked in a while, and I just wanted to touch base with you. Oh, so weird: I read something in a magazine today about you getting married and I was like 'What? No way, haha, must be a joke or something, right?' Yeah, I figured it was a joke. That was probably a joke. Anyway, I'm doing pretty well. Not acting that much these days, but I'm getting some more directing credits under my belt. I see you've published a few more math books. Boy, that really is something. But, hey, we should totally get together one of these days. See if 'that old spark' between us is still around, ahaha, I'm kidding! But we should get together. Call me back. Hugs!"

-Beep.-

"Heeeey, Danica, Fred Savage. Just calling again. Haven't heard back from you yet, and a few more magazines are picking up this fake, false, untrue wedding story. Figured I'd let you know. I called a few of them up and said it wasn't true, that you weren't ready to get married yet, but it doesn't look like they're going to be taking it down or anything. It's really rough what we have to go through, with the paparazzi and all, am I right? But, that's what we have to put up with, Win-...Danica. Hey, we can talk about how ANNOYING the paparazzi is over coffee or drinks or something. Or as I call them, the pooparazzi! Haha, we've had some good times. Call me back. Huuugs!"

-Beep.-

"Hey Danica. It's Fred Savage. Still haven't heard from you, and now I'm a little worried that I offended you with that racy 'pooperazzi' joke back there. I just want you to know that I in no way meant to upset you, and that I have complete and total respect for you and everything about you and everything you stand for. I would never disrespect or hurt you in anyway. So... Please just call me back, and we can clear up this whole 'pooperazzi' business. Call me back!"

-Beep.-

"Danica, it's Savage. This marriage thing looks like it's getting way outta hand. Even the TV news is covering it. This isn't real, right? I'm- I mean- You- I would know if you were getting married, right? We're- You're not ready for marriage, and this- Do you like him like him? No, that's crazy. If you got married, I think I'd-Just call me back. Hugs."

-Beep.-

"Savage here. This is real? This is fucking real? Listen, Winnie, I know we had some rough times. We both said some things we regret, and one of us got a restraining order, and I'm sure you regret that. Look, I just- If you want to meet, I'm gonna head down to the bar on Wilshire, you can meet me there, and we can meet and talk about all this. I just... I just need a drink right now."

-Beep.-

"It's The Sav-Man. Gwendolyn, I want you to run away with me. I know I said I was doing alright, but, dammit, I'm a mess without you. You're making a buncha hot math books or whatever and I'm directing Daddy fucking Day Camp. I'm a joke, Win, people make comics about me on the Internet. I need you. You know we're perfect together. What is it? Is it because you don't think I'm into math? Because I'll tell you, I love math. The Sav-Man is fucking all about math. Check this out. Binomials. Fractions. Circles, listen to me go! Algebra, rulers, numbers, fucking, pi! You bitch, I love you! We should be together. "

-Beep.-

"Lissen... Lissen, I really want you to hear thish because-- Hold on, hold on Winnie...No, fuck YOU. This is America, I can talk as llloud as I want.... Sorry about that Winica. This asshole bartender is telling me to keep it down because he thinks this is Communist China. Sorry to offend you, Chairman COW bahahaha. This bartender's really fat, Coop, and I think he forgot he's dealin' with Fred frucking Savage, the American Dream, baby! Anyway, lissen call me back, okay? Huuuugs."

-Beep.-

"[Unintelligible sobbing.] Neil Patrick Harris got a second chance. What the ffffuck?"

-Beep.-

"What the fuck do you even see in this guy?! This dipshit you're 'marrying' or whatever. So what, so he's a song writer? 'Composer'? Big deal. Big f-f-f-fucking deal. My dick can write songs. Here, no, shut up, listen, shut up for a second, no, d'you wanna hear this fuckin' song my dick just wrote? OK, it goes like this: 'Ooh, girl, you're husband's a shithead jerk, -flop flop flop- And I bet he's, uh, totally lame in bed, -balls balls balls- and you should forever be with Kevin, he's amazing, oh my God. Fuckin', badass guitar solo.' See? I can be a songwriter. I can be a fucking songwriter."

-Beep.-

"Dammit, shit, I wish I'd said 'Dongwriter' back there, because I was talkin' about my junk, and it just woulda been so much funnier and- Listen, just call me back if you get this, alright? It's Fred Savage."

-Beep.-

"Whhaaaaat would you doooo, if I sang outta key? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Leeeend me your-- [Vomiting.]"


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Daniel O'Brien

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