-Beep.-
“Heeeey, Danica, it’s me, Fred. Fred Savage. You know, the Kevin to your Winnie. ‘America’s Sweethearts,’ right? ‘Destined lovebirds,’ am I right? Hahaha, can you imagine? I mean, can you? Oh, man, we’ve had some good times. So, anyway, Danica, the reason I’m calling is that I feel like we haven’t talked in a while, and I just wanted to touch base with you. Oh, so weird: I read something in a magazine today about you getting married and I was like ‘What? No way, haha, must be a joke or something, right?’ Yeah, I figured it was a joke. That was probably a joke. Anyway, I’m doing pretty well. Not acting that much these days, but I’m getting some more directing credits under my belt. I see you’ve published a few more math books. Boy, that really is something. But, hey, we should totally get together one of these days. See if ‘that old spark’ between us is still around, ahaha, I’m kidding! But we should get together. Call me back. Hugs!”
-Beep.-
“Heeeey, Danica, Fred Savage. Just calling again. Haven’t heard back from you yet, and a few more magazines are picking up this fake, false, untrue wedding story. Figured I’d let you know. I called a few of them up and said it wasn’t true, that you weren’t ready to get married yet, but it doesn’t look like they’re going to be taking it down or anything. It’s really rough what we have to go through, with the paparazzi and all, am I right? But, that’s what we have to put up with, Win-…Danica. Hey, we can talk about how ANNOYING the paparazzi is over coffee or drinks or something. Or as I call them, the pooparazzi! Haha, we’ve had some good times. Call me back. Huuugs!”
-Beep.-
“Hey Danica. It’s Fred Savage. Still haven’t heard from you, and now I’m a little worried that I offended you with that racy ‘pooperazzi’ joke back there. I just want you to know that I in no way meant to upset you, and that I have complete and total respect for you and everything about you and everything you stand for. I would never disrespect or hurt you in anyway. So… Please just call me back, and we can clear up this whole ‘pooperazzi’ business. Call me back!”
-Beep.-
“Danica, it’s Savage. This marriage thing looks like it’s getting way outta hand. Even the TV news is covering it. This isn’t real, right? I’m- I mean- You- I would know if you were getting married, right? We’re- You’re not ready for marriage, and this- Do you like him like him? No, that’s crazy. If you got married, I think I’d-Just call me back. Hugs.”
-Beep.-
“Savage here. This is real? This is fucking real? Listen, Winnie, I know we had some rough times. We both said some things we regret, and one of us got a restraining order, and I’m sure you regret that. Look, I just- If you want to meet, I’m gonna head down to the bar on Wilshire, you can meet me there, and we can meet and talk about all this. I just… I just need a drink right now.”
-Beep.-
“It’s The Sav-Man. Gwendolyn, I want you to run away with me. I know I said I was doing alright, but, dammit, I’m a mess without you. You’re making a buncha hot math books or whatever and I’m directing Daddy fucking Day Camp. I’m a joke, Win, people make comics about me on the Internet. I need you. You know we’re perfect together. What is it? Is it because you don’t think I’m into math? Because I’ll tell you, I love math. The Sav-Man is fucking all about math. Check this out. Binomials. Fractions. Circles, listen to me go! Algebra, rulers, numbers, fucking, pi! You bitch, I love you! We should be together. ”
-Beep.-
“Lissen… Lissen, I really want you to hear thish because– Hold on, hold on Winnie…No, fuck YOU. This is America, I can talk as llloud as I want.… Sorry about that Winica. This asshole bartender is telling me to keep it down because he thinks this is Communist China. Sorry to offend you, Chairman COW bahahaha. This bartender’s really fat, Coop, and I think he forgot he’s dealin’ with Fred frucking Savage, the American Dream, baby! Anyway, lissen call me back, okay? Huuuugs.”
-Beep.-
“[Unintelligible sobbing.] Neil Patrick Harris got a second chance. What the ffffuck?”
-Beep.-
“What the fuck do you even see in this guy?! This dipshit you’re ‘marrying’ or whatever. So what, so he’s a song writer? ‘Composer’? Big deal. Big f-f-f-fucking deal. My dick can write songs. Here, no, shut up, listen, shut up for a second, no, d’you wanna hear this fuckin’ song my dick just wrote? OK, it goes like this: ‘Ooh, girl, you’re husband’s a shithead jerk, -flop flop flop- And I bet he’s, uh, totally lame in bed, -balls balls balls- and you should forever be with Kevin, he’s amazing, oh my God. Fuckin’, badass guitar solo.’ See? I can be a songwriter. I can be a fucking songwriter.”
-Beep.-
“Dammit, shit, I wish I’d said ‘Dongwriter’ back there, because I was talkin’ about my junk, and it just woulda been so much funnier and- Listen, just call me back if you get this, alright? It’s Fred Savage.”
-Beep.-
“Whhaaaaat would you doooo, if I sang outta key? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Leeeend me your– [Vomiting.]”
This entry was posted on Friday, March 27th, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 18th, 2009 at 9:23 am
[...] como se puede relacionar Winnie Cooper con nuestro grupo favorito de geeks, resulta ser que el sueño mojado de Kevin Arnold es matemática egresada de UCLA, graduada con honores, coautora del “Teorema de [...]
November 18th, 2009 at 6:43 am
way to go fred. ur hilarious
May 29th, 2009 at 7:29 am
…..I was named after her.
This is just wrong.
But it feels soo right!
pretty funny.
good job!
May 2nd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
“if I sang outta tune”
April 25th, 2009 at 9:32 am
somewhat original and gave me a chuckle or two
April 16th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I thought Fred Savage came out of the closet.
April 5th, 2009 at 8:35 pm
Funny as hell.
Three cheers for Danica McKellar for being the greatest hot/smart/famous combination ever. She can give you wet dreams, AND she can cripple your puny brain with her math skills.
Unless they can stick Stephen Hawking’s brain in Eva Mendez’ body, you’re not gonna top Winnie.
April 5th, 2009 at 7:55 pm
Hilarious. One of the best cracked columns I have ever read.
My God Danica has nice legs.
April 3rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm
DOB is my god. Love it!
April 3rd, 2009 at 5:15 am
Dan does not even have hair!
April 3rd, 2009 at 12:07 am
Aw, I wish it was longer!
March 31st, 2009 at 8:04 pm
that was a good ending
March 31st, 2009 at 6:33 pm
the shit people post really kills it. I laughed through the whole thing.
Maybe you should have a subscription fee, not much, mind, just to keep the asses out.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:28 pm
If that was directed at me wade, that’s kind of creepy since no, I’m not on any online dating sites… my physical identity is being stolen o__O
I modelled for a while, so it wouldn’t be impossible to get your hands on those pictures, the photographer had them up on his site.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:14 pm
You are sexy…Just feel curious. I saw your photos and profile at an agegap dating site called agelesskiss.com last week. Your many photos are found there. Is that you? What happened?
March 31st, 2009 at 12:01 pm
in all fairness, jay pinkerton is way funnier than DOB.
IM awesome O.
I would probably make dan a sammich, but I would murder puppies for jay.
March 30th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Ronaldo, just click on my twitter link up there and check out my picture, I really really don’t think I fit your description of internet user. I’m not trying to be cocky, it’s just a rather prejudice stance for you to take. Either that, or you’re trying to excuse your own weight issues. And to defend Anne, a woman I do believe has more things to do in her life than to check back on one of her previous posts (sidenote: I have a lab I’m not doing right now in favour of flamin for a bit), I very much doubt you have any right to start attacking her physique over the fucking internet.
Edward93, I never say that under anybodys articles. Provoked or not. But since you mentioned it, yes I probably would, he’s a damn fine lookin man and quite funny. Maybe my views on what is “funny” aren’t the same as yours, but this article made me laugh regardless, and that fits my definition of funny. I follow him on twitter and I get a daily dose of laughs. Oh, and Swaim is not even in the same LEAGUE as DOB. DOB has hair I wanna run my fingers through… Swaim’s is analogous to Harpers (Canada’s PM just btw) so uh, no.
Also, last point I wanted to make, this one also goes out to Ronaldo. Do you really expect everyone to have a completely unique form of funny? I doubt he stole anything (no I haven’t looked at your evidence, and like I said, I have a lab that needs working on so I don’t intend to for a while) things may be similar or based on the same concept, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t come up with it himself. Unless there are complete passages that are taken from this guy, you’ll need to convince me with something harder than that (like DOB’s cock… haha yea I needed a dick joke in there)
March 30th, 2009 at 11:41 am
Sorry for the typos.
March 30th, 2009 at 11:40 am
Are some people really arguing that this would never happen because Savage is married and has kids? Like no married guy has ever had on obscene obsesion with a woman that was not his wife or soemthing? Hah! That’s just stupid reasoning, IMO.
March 30th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Hey everyone! Ronaldo’s a virgin!
What a looooseeerrr!
Love ya, Dan!
March 30th, 2009 at 9:55 am
One word: Lame.
March 30th, 2009 at 8:00 am
“Smell ya later”? Seriously? Do you work for MAD or something?
March 30th, 2009 at 5:57 am
Dear DOB, im sorry to hear that Mr Pinkerton’s wife has taken such offense to your writing, and decided, shortly after polishing off a bottle of Mint Schnapps, to come and type gay shit on the comments section. Please keep writing funny things, and put more pictures of boobs in your blogs, and far fewer pictures of Fred Savage
March 29th, 2009 at 7:42 pm
Ronaldo McGoalpunch, are you for real?
I’m a huge fan of Jay Pinkerton, but I am also a huge fan of Dan O’Brien. Maybe that’s because Dan fills the void left since Jay stopped updating his website over a year ago. More importantly, you’ve aired your views on Dan’s similarities to Jay in the past and I believe Dan responded with a rational explanation that you’ve apparently ignored completely in favour of making an ass of yourself.
Next time you feel like calling someone mentally retarded, take a long, hard (heh) look in the mirror.
March 29th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Fred Savage directs episodes of It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, so that redeems him IMO.
March 29th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
The “racy” pooperazzi joke - hehe. Nice.
“What’s up with the Fred Savage jokes? They seem to be everywhere and while I know almost nothing about this person, he certainly hasn’t done anything to embarrass himself publicly as so many other child stars have.”
Neither has McKellar - that’s part of why this was so funny. It’s bizarre humor. Just lighten up; it’s jokes, it’s funny.
Nice Neil Patrick Harris joke - his appearance in Harold and Kumar ruled - that guy has a wicked sense of humor.
March 29th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Bwahahahahaha. Perfectly Hilarious! I bet if you followed Savage around for a week this would happen at least twice. Funnier than Joaquin Phoenix…almost. Nice Work DOB, Outstanding.
March 29th, 2009 at 10:57 am
Thank you so much Sir Robert of Brockway
March 29th, 2009 at 10:54 am
Ronaldo McGoalPunch,
You said this:
“Smell ya later Dan…”
Every opinion you have regarding the quality of humor is now irrelevant.
March 29th, 2009 at 10:20 am
Jay Pinkerton used to write for Cracked.
I’ll leave it up to you to work out what I’m getting at.
March 29th, 2009 at 9:45 am
Hey Renaldo? Listen, If you don’t like it then don’t read it. Toddle off to some other corner of the internet and find something you enjoy. No biggie. Just scale it back, maybe browse this article : http://www.cracked.com/article_16765_5-ways-stop-trolls-from-killing-internet.html , and then go do something you enjoy.
March 29th, 2009 at 9:14 am
ahahahaha omg this was absolutely hilarious!!
March 29th, 2009 at 5:01 am
Oh fuck!!!!! I made a typo.
All of you fucking morons jump on it as quickly as possible!!!!! ZOMG!!!!! I be the fukking n00b???!!!!!
It doesn’t detract from the absolute fact and proof that this entire site is rehashed bullshit stolen from better writers.
Fucking sheep. All of you.
Wake up you assholes.
March 29th, 2009 at 4:54 am
Harlie,
You’re just mentally retarded.
I’m not even going to bather with you.
March 29th, 2009 at 4:47 am
Just fixing my website haha
March 29th, 2009 at 4:45 am
Fridays are my favorite internet surfing day. I always come to Cracked first to read DOB’s newest article. And I bet all the people complaining couldn’t write a funny anything if their lives depended on it. Track them all down DOB and make your critics try and write something even half as funny as what you put up
March 29th, 2009 at 4:34 am
Anne,
Honey, Baby, Sweetheart….
Pull your head out of your ass.
http://www.jaypinkerton.com
Keep it to yourself if you notice some glaring similarities to D.O.B. God knows He doesn’t want you to know.
A side comment: Before you open your big fat mouth, do some basic research.
Oh, and Anne? Lose some weight. You’re blocking the TV.
March 29th, 2009 at 4:01 am
Wow. Every time I come to Cracked and read an article that I thought was funny, I scroll down to find all these people bitching about it. A bunch of self-important whiners who love to tear apart someone else’s work as if their opinion - as a completely random Internet user - is fucking gospel.
Dan, I enjoyed the article. Keep on writing; at the end of the day, you’re the guy writing the articles for the website, not the users who only wish they could get a gig like this while cutting out all their published “Letters to the editor” and sticking them in a scrapbook and calling it a portfolio.
March 29th, 2009 at 3:37 am
Good lord you people are a bunch of sheep.
Albeit, sheep with extensive head trauma and no short term memory, but sheep none the less.
I know that the average internet user has a 52 inch waistline and ADD that makes it unfathomable that any of you fucking twats can even remember your own names but get real. There was a Cracked before these shit smears took over.
D.O.B. is nothing but a propped up shell of a writer that rips off 90% of everything he writes (from Jay Pinkerton). The other 10% isn’t even worth commenting one because it’s just pathetic and hideous gibberish.
We need Jay Pinkerton back at Cracked and get these wanna-bes the fuck out.
This was 1000 times the site with Jay at the helm. If any of you remeber it, join me in a moment of ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKING RETARDS?” yelled at anything and everything Dan O’Brien has ever written and the comments therein.
Sorry Dan, you suck balls. Tepid, yeasty, acne covered balls on a yak corpse. Nothing can change that other than you dropping into a bottomless hole and never writing again.
Smell ya later Dan…
March 28th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
Ha! Oh man. I love being flamed on the net by people calling me pathetic for flaming other people. I may be pathetic, but anyone who replies saying I am pathetic is just as.
And to you people saying that you WOULD fuck D.O.B. I don’t doubt it for a second. And in this thought I have come with a D.O.B rating system:
Shitty article: Girls need to be prompted to express their e-lust for D.O.B.
Decent (and I use that term loosely) article: “Oh, D.O.B Fuck Me!” “I want you D.O.B! P.S Bring Swaim.”
Swaim > D.O.B - which reminds me. Make another video! Mug of Pens was off the hook!
March 28th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Well done, I lack any knowledge of the wonder years, so it was lost on me, but at least it included “dong”
March 28th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
This was a good article, D.O.B. The people who only thought “dongwriter” was funny obviously aren’t very sophisticated with their sense of humor.
March 28th, 2009 at 11:27 am
Ahahah! Do you know what I think happened? Fred Savage found out about this article and decided to make a bunch of cracked accounts. Case and point “Ryan” down there in the comment section.
And to Edward93, I’d totally fuck DOB.
P.S this was hilarious.
March 28th, 2009 at 10:14 am
One word. Wizard. I’ll forget about 9/11 before I forget about Fred Savage in Wizard. Of course he still exists you douches.
March 28th, 2009 at 9:57 am
briliance that could only come out of Dan O’Brien
March 28th, 2009 at 8:57 am
that was brilliant.
March 28th, 2009 at 8:06 am
I didn’t know anyone knew Fred Savage still existed.
March 28th, 2009 at 7:55 am
I notice you fags are bitching about a free site that you get for free. Without paying. That you willing read. On your own time. And take it personally.
Just as long as you know DOB is laughing at you for getting all frazzled. I know I am.
@DOB - Great work. Knowing people flip out about staff like this always makes me feel better about myself.
March 28th, 2009 at 7:35 am
Good stuff! Are you sexy people? *** http://RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just GO and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ singles please)
March 28th, 2009 at 6:57 am
Wow, I mean wow. The Fred Savage Army has spoken.
So tell me, Fred. How long did it take you to come up with all those screennames?
March 28th, 2009 at 5:25 am
A lot of Fred Savage fans commenting. Weird…
March 28th, 2009 at 3:13 am
Poor Scrote.
March 28th, 2009 at 2:58 am
I know Fred and whoever wrote this Inot O’Brien I hop) either is a brilliant satirist or just a jealous, small-pricked little bi*tch. Fred is a nice guy, life is good for him, “Winnie” and him are friends, and this is a boring, terrible article written by someone who really had a quick deadline after too much drinking. Cracked is my favorite site but this was probably the most retarded trash I’ve seen here. Go f**k with Audrina or Speidi or some other easy target. C’mon O’Brien, we expect a little more relevancy in our pop culture trashing.
March 28th, 2009 at 2:12 am
Sad.
Just sad.
But at least you linked to the site you steal most of your shit from this time Dan.
Jackass.
March 28th, 2009 at 1:52 am
…and Edward93 plays the part of Pauly, Adrian’s brother, the sorry hanger-on who has nothing better to do with his life than knock somebody who is more succesful than himself because he’s so bitter about the sorry way that his life has turned out.
March 28th, 2009 at 1:46 am
What’s up with the Fred Savage jokes? They seem to be everywhere and while I know almost nothing about this person, he certainly hasn’t done anything to embarrass himself publicly as so many other child stars have.
But I guess anyone that comes to mind is fodder for the bullies and jackasses of the world.
March 27th, 2009 at 10:39 pm
“See ya, Winster. I’ll tell Marilyn Manson (Paul) you said hi.”
March 27th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
” But you notice how no girl in this comment section wants to fuck you? ”
That’s because Dan has already fucked them all.
March 27th, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Dan, man, fuck. Okay, well you’re successful and all, and great work. But you notice how no girl in this comment section wants to fuck you? That’s because this article sucks! And, man, you need to hook uo with Swaim again and make a video, because you are an AMAZING actor. Columnist, not so much. Keep acting, D.O.B.
March 27th, 2009 at 9:31 pm
I have no idea who these people you wrote about are, and this article was probably your worst. I liked “dongwriter” though.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Entirely unfunny. Except for “dongwriter.”
March 27th, 2009 at 8:34 pm
DOB is usually very funny. My favorite writer on Cracked.com. On tha reelz tho, Daniel. Stop ripping off Family Guy! It was weak when they ended the new episode with a Fred Savage joke last Sunday. Were you just being lazy or were you hungover and thought “Fuck it, I have to submit an article in 20 minutes.”?
March 27th, 2009 at 8:32 pm
A few snickers. Not your best.
Suck it, DOB.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:13 pm
Were you bored, Dan? I mean, really?
Well, this could be said about a lot of your articles, I think. XD
Still. I lol’d.
March 27th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
This would’ve been much funnier if Savage weren’t already happily married with two kids. It kind of doesn’t make sense when you know that.
March 27th, 2009 at 6:29 pm
And by Fred Savage you mean DOB
March 27th, 2009 at 6:25 pm
she would be ok if it were not for her face. that face is just too messed up- very block-like.
March 27th, 2009 at 6:19 pm
What the FUCK? DOB ≠ MIB
http://www.cracked.com/article_15153_series-letters-first-girl-i-ever-fingered.html
(She’s still hot.)
March 27th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
I heard the guy who played Paul Phifer is being cast as Ivan Drago in the remake of Rocky IV. I guess he’s a big Russian guy now.
March 27th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
hahaha. i was cracking up reading this.
“Whhaaaaat would you doooo, if I sang outta key? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Leeeend me your– [Vomiting.]”
brilliant.
March 27th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
Oh, DOB. You give me seizures of laughter.
March 27th, 2009 at 5:36 pm
this has to be the lamest thing ive seen ever
March 27th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
-balls balls balls-
March 27th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Holy shit. I just woke the whole dorm up. With laughter
March 27th, 2009 at 4:26 pm
I wish I was a Dongwriter. And drunk.
March 27th, 2009 at 4:14 pm
I’ts “what would you do if I sang out of TUNE.” I don’t know if you got it wrong intentionally for funny-sake, but, if so, not funny.
March 27th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Gladstone Says:
March 27th, 2009 at 7:33 am
@Daniel, there is some resemblance between Savage and young me.
Including the hair.
I think you’ll find with quick internet research that the resemblance of adult Savage and current Gladstone is eerily similar as well.
March 27th, 2009 at 3:27 pm
funny stuff. not your best, but funny. who hasn’t left those awkward phone messages at some point in their life?
March 27th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
http://evilbeetgossip.film.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/fred_family.jpg
March 27th, 2009 at 2:37 pm
Not funny in the least, doesn’t even make sense….Savage has been happily married for years with children.
March 27th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
wow. unbelievably not funny. immensely un-hilarious. fred savage? really? got any monica lewinski jokes? boooo. just fucking booooo.
March 27th, 2009 at 2:29 pm
“Whhaaaaat would you doooo, if I sang outta key? Would you stand up and walk out on me? Leeeend me your– [Vomiting.]”
that was awesome.
March 27th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
i agree, danjer. the bit with the bartender was best.
March 27th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
That pic for the Twitter link just blows my mind. I want to create another account just so I can follow you again. I feel like I’m not following you enough. Should… should I start stalking you again?
March 27th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Yes no one knows penis like DOB.
March 27th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Some how I opened this without noticing it was DOB’s article and then I got to the part about “Dongwriter” and I realized it had to be him. No one, and I mean no one writes a penis joke like DOB.
This is what the internet is all about, jokes about dicks and hot pics (of little know celebrities).
March 27th, 2009 at 12:49 pm
Ohhh, this is a thing of beauty!! So funny - I bow to your superior wit!
March 27th, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Hahahaha! I think I LOL’ed all the way through!
March 27th, 2009 at 12:32 pm
Needs more pictures of Danica! (recent pictures I mean)
March 27th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
“This asshole bartender is telling me to keep it down because he thinks this is Communist China.”
That was definitely the best part. I loved this article. Nicely executed!!
MOLEY!!!
March 27th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
March 27th, 2009 at 12:14 pm
.wav’s or it didn’t happen.
March 27th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
>….we tied.
F*cking Furries…
March 27th, 2009 at 12:12 pm
HAHAHAHHA. I’ve met Danica and her husband. She’s my friend’s cousin and her and her husband were at his wedding. Her husband is older and seemed a little boring. I just got drunk and thought how funny it was that Winnie was two tables over and wished that Fred Savage was there to get drunk with me.
March 27th, 2009 at 12:11 pm
i fucking hated that show it was so so shit
oh the humanity
March 27th, 2009 at 11:40 am
not for nothing here but fred savage is the voice of Oswald…a purple octopus on nickelodeon
March 27th, 2009 at 11:11 am
Man, that was some funny shit.
Dongwriter. Ha!
March 27th, 2009 at 10:22 am
I was thoroughly creeped the fuck out.
March 27th, 2009 at 10:19 am
18+ please!! Are you sexy people? *** http://RichFriends.org ***where you can hook up the wealthy singles,sexy beauties. Find your sexy partner easier and more effective! What are you waiting for? Just GO and hook up the sexy singles now! (18+ singles please)
March 27th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Don’t kid yourself Galahad. You weren’t straight.
March 27th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Just in case this has not been said about a 100 times already…
Danica is holy smoking hot!! And smart, which makes her even more smoking hot!
Danica, if your reading this - 1: I love you 2: Stop reading Cracked before you go crazy 3: You are smoking hot!
March 27th, 2009 at 9:36 am
Man, Friday is always my favourite day for a number of reason, but mainly you. I never really want to read your column because then I have to wait an entire week for another one. And then it wasn’t funny. It just…wasn’t.
March 27th, 2009 at 9:30 am
I must have been one of the few straight boys in America who wasn’t crushing on Winnie Cooper back in the day. I never even thought of her again until I saw the Cracked article on child actors that showed Danica had become the world’s most adorable math genius.
Curse you Cracked; you built up my dreams and shattered them in record time.
March 27th, 2009 at 9:26 am
i was mildly amused, thanks
March 27th, 2009 at 9:23 am
Meh. Where are all them videeos like my friend says they was gonna be. Is this a comedy website or a hooked on phonics convention? What’s with all these them there Egipshan Hyrogliffixs on my compooder? I want my refund.
Meh
tl;dr
Boring.
Excuse me my Wal-Mart Greeting job is calling me back to work.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Great Article.
It felt at first a little derivative of Michael Ian Black’s “Letters to the first girl i fingered”, but dick composer and everything after is awesome.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:39 am
I think this takes a page or two out of DOB’s own life. Being the creative genius he is, he probably realized that personal tragedy is comedy gold, and just converted the story enough into pop culture that he thinks no one will notice that this is really a diary entry.
Inner strength, Daniel. Inner strength. She’s gonna love you some day, just hold on.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I had, and still have such a *huge* crush on Winnie Cooper, and now Danica McKellar. To learn that she is as brilliant as she is beautiful was one of the happiest days.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:14 am
*clever-but-not-that-clever math-to-sex refrence inserted here*
anyway good job dob.
March 27th, 2009 at 8:10 am
I was picturing a ten-year-old Savage the entire time I was reading this article. Which was really, really horrifying.
March 27th, 2009 at 7:52 am
Savage partly directs “It’s Always Sunny” ?!?!?
I will never mock him ever again!!!
March 27th, 2009 at 7:51 am
Excellent as usual. I wish you posted more frequently. This is why I visit this site.
March 27th, 2009 at 7:50 am
I miss Jay Pinkerton.
March 27th, 2009 at 7:39 am
UHEAHUEAHUEAHHAEEAuhea phuckintastic
March 27th, 2009 at 7:34 am
Good article Dan and BRAB-BAB-BAB-BAPP!
March 27th, 2009 at 7:33 am
@Daniel, there is some resemblance between Savage and young me.
Including the hair.
March 27th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Does the fact that she’s hot now make using older (or younger) pictures un-creepy?
…
Thought not.
March 27th, 2009 at 7:07 am
I’d chart her Pi, if you know what I mean….
Actually, you probably don’t, as pie chart and pi are two completely different things… Although I suppose you can chart Pi…..
CALL ME, WINNIE!!!
March 27th, 2009 at 6:54 am
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March 27th, 2009 at 6:51 am
Dude, communist China is gonna be soooooo pissssssed. You should probably tell bucholz to move his shit outta your bomb shelter cuz theyz comin for ya.
March 27th, 2009 at 6:32 am
Also, Samantha Micelli.
March 27th, 2009 at 6:32 am
bwahaahahaha
March 27th, 2009 at 6:27 am
Is it just me, or does Savage look exactly like a young Gladstone?
March 27th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Man, Winnie grew up to be smokin hot! Between her and Punky Brewster, it’s nice to know that my frequent masturbation at age 10 was not wasted on chicks that grew up to be fugly.
March 27th, 2009 at 6:11 am
i thought this was wicked funny. and dude she is so hott
March 27th, 2009 at 5:51 am
I wish everyday was DOB day
March 27th, 2009 at 5:45 am
Savage isn’t doing so bad — he directs like half the episodes of ‘It’s Always Sunny’!
March 27th, 2009 at 5:36 am
Damn winnie is fuckin hot. I would use my protractor to measure those angles.
March 27th, 2009 at 5:30 am
Winnie the POO
winnie the POO
married some dick head who wasnt fred savage
Winnie the Poo
Winnie the poo
some how is hot and good at math
shes winnie the (vomits)
see i can be a song writer to winnie
March 27th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Hahah, dongwriter. What would I do without you making up words I can send out in company emails to get laughs from the surrounding cubicles.
March 27th, 2009 at 4:57 am
I love the Neil Patrick Harris snide remark. Awesome. Well done, DOB!
March 27th, 2009 at 4:44 am
“Pooperazzi” lol
March 27th, 2009 at 4:32 am
DOB makes my day again, nice article, Broseph.
March 27th, 2009 at 4:26 am
dongwriter….
that’s funny, kinda
March 27th, 2009 at 4:20 am
-balls balls balls-
This was fucking hilarious.
March 27th, 2009 at 4:19 am
hehehe
that is all
March 27th, 2009 at 4:17 am
….we tied.
March 27th, 2009 at 4:14 am
That was so retardedly funny. Am i first?
March 27th, 2009 at 4:14 am
She makes me want to learn math allll over again.