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A Series of Dispatches From Jersey Shore's New Intern

Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,

Hello, Mrs. Salsano, this is Joseph Caruso, one of the new interns on Jersey Shore. I'm sorry to bother you, I know you've got a lot going on producing this and other wonderful MTV programs, but I'm a little worried about an ... issue, and I'm not sure how to handle it. I took a quick nap earlier today before the cast showed up and, when I woke up, something called a "Snooki" was in my bed. At first I thought someone hot-glued a snout to a moldy catcher's mitt, but then when I saw it moving around I thought it was a dachshund-Troll-doll hybrid or some kind of self-aware funnel cake made of cherry vodka. I took a picture of it for your records [attached]. I was going to press sexual harassment charges, but all she did was squeal at my genitals, which I don't think is technically illegal. At any rate, I'd be happy if this didn't happen again. If there's someone else I should talk to, let me know.

Best,

-Joey

Intern, Jersey Shore

Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,

It is becoming increasingly clear that I might not be the right person for this job. I study TV and Film at Hofstra, I'm qualified to make a documentary not ... whatever this is. Shooting, lighting, editing; those are things I can do. Chasing around eight horny meatballs with a camera, mopping up orange-tinted vomit and watching STDs evolve in real time -- those are things that are not in my job description.

Can I maybe switch to a different job or, if that's not possible, can I please sleep somewhere else? They keep ... putting things in me.

-Joey

Intern, Jersey Shore

Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,

I am disappointed to learn that my initial request for transfer has been denied. That said, I don't want you for a second to think that my enthusiasm for the wonderful MTV family has waned, in any way. I was simply pointing out that my skill set might not be appropriate for this program. If you'd like me to continue on here, I will. I should point out, however, that it's only week three and we are severely over budget. As you requested, I purchased enough alcohol to murder a generation of grizzly bears, and these people finished every last drop of it. If you still want to keep the cast consistently inebriated for the rest of the season, I will need either an increased budget or to wake up from this nightmare.

Also, don't ask me how I know this, but one of them has been fucking a bottle of hair gel. Just -- I know it.

I know it.

Still, though, look at the way the shot is framed, with the "Alone" lifesaver hanging in the background. Solid cinematography.

Dear Sally-Ann Salsano,

Thank you so so much for finally granting me my transfer request. I know three requests might be excessive, but it worked, right! I truly cannot thank you enough. Being around these people made me completely lose faith in humanity. There has never been a greater concentration of shallow, miserable and profoundly damaged people in one house. Now that I am officially no longer a part of this show, I think it's safe to say that there is nothing more dangerous than a family of sociopaths with inflated senses of entitlement. If you're wondering what happened to the kid who eats worms because he can't tell the difference between good and bad attention, he grew up and calls himself "The Situation." If you're wondering how low human beings can go before they stop being humans, watch the raw footage of this season. If you're wondering why God abandoned us, it's because he will never stop blaming himself for his indirect responsibility in making this show possible by inventing life.

Still, that's in the past, because I'm off the show. Thanks again, I'm really looking forward to my new gig. Never heard of the show, but it sounds great!

Best,

-Joey

Intern, A Triple Shot of Love with Tila Tequila

Check out more from Dan in the brand new Cracked.com book!

Or find out what else he had to say about reality TV, in Bridalplasty: The New Reality Show That Proves We're Doomed.

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Daniel O'Brien

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