Cracked Columnists

A Robot Saves Jesus, and The Week in Wales!

It's all right everyone. You can put down the torches, pitchforks, and Jew-nets; the baby Jesus has been found.

Yes, the Florida Jesus taken from a community center last week has been recovered, thanks to the aid of a GPS device embedded deep within Him.

There are many reasons to celebrate: restored sanctity, the triumph of justice, and the sad irony that the thief was an eighteen year old girl who lived across the street and is now in jail on $3,500 bail for stealing a statue worth $1,200 ($800 for the statue, $400 for the GPS).

Clearly, this harsh, financially burdensome punishment of an innocent prank is, in the acronym of the Chosen, WJWD.

But one thing about this story troubles me, and it's something I think the Palm Beach Post has overlooked at their own peril. By implanting an electronic device into our Lord and Savior, these people have successfully created the world's first robotic Jesus.

Crude, yes, but with a little imagination, one can see the horrifying consequences ten, twenty years down the line, when the Jesus-bots finally decide they've had enough and start hurling electrified crosses and stigmata-rays.

And to make matters worse, it was a baby Jesus statue. And who's going to have the stones to gun down a baby? All you have to do is hesitate, and His laser eyes are on you.

Hey kids! Let's play Headline Mad-Libs!

A Florida GPS Device Helps Police Find Missing Baby Jesus

Becomes:

A (place)(noun) Helps (concerned figure) Find Missing (Christmas icon)

Becomes:

Welsh Children Help Squirrel Find Missing Santa Claus

I don't really have much more to say about the article itselfnear as I can tell, some snot-nosed brats tromped through the mud with a greasy ex-con in a sweltering mascot costume looking for a fat bearded man hired from a street corner that morning. You know, Christmas.

All I want to draw your attention to is this list of schools who participated in the event:

Participating schools included: Ysgol Clocaenog; Ysgol Cyffylliog; St Asaph VP infants School; Ysgol Caer Drewyn, Corwen; Ysgol Llandrillo; Ysgol Maes Hyfryd, Cynwyd; Ysgol Ysbyty Ifan; Ysgol Llangwm and Ysgol Dinmael.
Based on this list (which is my second ever impression of the Welsh people in any sense), I have concluded that Wales is a country populated by Cthulhu Cult members, bent on bringing the Destroyer out of his Eternal Slumber and dooming us all.

Our only hope is a vast army of robot Jesuses to stave off the ancient monstrosity. Now there's some Holiday entertainment I'd pay to see.

Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren't Muskets!