It’s all right everyone. You can put down the torches, pitchforks, and Jew-nets; the baby Jesus has been found.
Yes, the Florida Jesus taken from a community center last week has been recovered, thanks to the aid of a GPS device embedded deep within Him.
There are many reasons to celebrate: restored sanctity, the triumph of justice, and the sad irony that the thief was an eighteen year old girl who lived across the street and is now in jail on $3,500 bail for stealing a statue worth $1,200 ($800 for the statue, $400 for the GPS).
Clearly, this harsh, financially burdensome punishment of an innocent prank is, in the acronym of the Chosen, WJWD.
But one thing about this story troubles me, and it’s something I think the Palm Beach Post has overlooked at their own peril. By implanting an electronic device into our Lord and Savior, these people have successfully created the world’s first robotic Jesus.
Crude, yes, but with a little imagination, one can see the horrifying consequences ten, twenty years down the line, when the Jesus-bots finally decide they’ve had enough and start hurling electrified crosses and stigmata-rays.
And to make matters worse, it was a baby Jesus statue. And who’s going to have the stones to gun down a baby? All you have to do is hesitate, and His laser eyes are on you.
Hey kids! Let’s play Headline Mad-Libs!
Becomes:
Becomes:
I don’t really have much more to say about the article itself—near as I can tell, some snot-nosed brats tromped through the mud with a greasy ex-con in a sweltering mascot costume looking for a fat bearded man hired from a street corner that morning. You know, Christmas.
All I want to draw your attention to is this list of schools who participated in the event:
Participating schools included: Ysgol Clocaenog; Ysgol Cyffylliog; St Asaph VP infants School; Ysgol Caer Drewyn, Corwen; Ysgol Llandrillo; Ysgol Maes Hyfryd, Cynwyd; Ysgol Ysbyty Ifan; Ysgol Llangwm and Ysgol Dinmael.
Based on this list (which is my second ever impression of the Welsh people in any sense), I have concluded that Wales is a country populated by Cthulhu Cult members, bent on bringing the Destroyer out of his Eternal Slumber and dooming us all.
Our only hope is a vast army of robot Jesuses to stave off the ancient monstrosity. Now there’s some Holiday entertainment I’d pay to see.
Besides blogging for CRACKED, Michael also makes hilarious videos as writer and co-founder of Those Aren’t Muskets!
This entry was posted on Monday, December 31st, 2007 at 8:00 am and is filed under GPS, Jesus, Santa Claus, Squirrel, Wales. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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August 23rd, 2009 at 9:31 am
Ysgol means School, and the rest of the name is its location so basically ysgol clocaenog is clocaenog school
February 2nd, 2008 at 3:24 am
what is palm check in windows vista…
yes indeed……
January 1st, 2008 at 11:50 pm
Does robo-Jesus get TBN?
January 1st, 2008 at 8:35 pm
That picture of (robot?) baby Jesus with Cthulhu will haunt my dreams.
January 1st, 2008 at 5:45 pm
I got genital herpes, i got it from a site; sugarmommymeet.com
January 1st, 2008 at 5:31 pm
chloe: fuck you
January 1st, 2008 at 3:55 pm
If I were confronted by a ten foot tall robo-jesus I think I would convert on the spot.
That’s why religions are always struggling for members, no-one thinks outside the box.
January 1st, 2008 at 1:11 am
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!! AND WAR… DAMN….EAGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
January 1st, 2008 at 12:26 am
gosh, robot jesus???
hehe
what a wonderful story, i would like to share with the ladies on the site sugarmommymeet, they definitely will like it.
haaaaaaaa
December 31st, 2007 at 5:03 pm
I guess if you’re gonna shag an animal, might as well pick a sheep. They’re soft and cuddly and… mmm… I’ll come back later, gotta go “blog” about a sheep.
December 31st, 2007 at 4:23 pm
I am the Walrus; The Big Lebowski is funny as hell
December 31st, 2007 at 4:22 pm
There’s already the robot devil, right? I mean, it was only a matter of time.
December 31st, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Nobody fucks with da Jesus.
December 31st, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Gladstone just gave me a wordplay orgasm.
Also: INSWAIN IN THE BRAIIIIN!
December 31st, 2007 at 12:49 pm
As i pointed out earlier Bennet, there’s parts of our country that do that too.
December 31st, 2007 at 12:39 pm
That bit of Welsh there is nothing - check this out (supposedly one of the longest place names in the world) ….Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch is an actual place in Wales which translates as “The church of St. Mary in the hollow of white hazel trees near the rapid whirlpool by St. Tysilio’s of the red cave”
p.s. another Welsh pastime is shagging sheep.
December 31st, 2007 at 11:54 am
Turns out Swaim is an anagram for Santanist Willing to Anger Immaculately-conceived Martyrs.
December 31st, 2007 at 11:00 am
Inswain in the membrane.
December 31st, 2007 at 10:59 am
Swain?
December 31st, 2007 at 9:25 am
Robot Jesus? More of a bionic Jesus, wouldn’t you say? Imagine Bionic Jesus making that familiar “Bionic Man” sound as he saves people’s eternal souls.
December 31st, 2007 at 9:19 am
Well Swain, you promised the week in Wales and you delivered. No matter what everyone else says about you, you are a man of your word.
December 31st, 2007 at 9:15 am
I bet the priests would still figure a way to molest a robot baby Jebus… they already come lubricated, so I guess that part is out of the way.
December 31st, 2007 at 8:10 am
WWRJD… yes… WW R JD. What would robot Jesus do? Shoot you with lazer eyes. That’s what.
December 31st, 2007 at 8:07 am
Not only is their language terrifying, but their national pastimes are rugby and choir singing.
So they’re all either spouting 26 constant words at you, singing loudly at you or else running towards you in an attempt to injure you.