I am a weak man. I am little more than a collection of interesting flaws surrounded by a flimsy shell of sleazy charm and sometimes a t-shirt. I am full of uncertainty and doubt, and I can feel it affecting my every single waking moment. Or at least, that’s who I used to be.
But no longer.
Now I am a confident, proud Adonis–kicking down the locked doors of opportunity and having my way with it before its neighbors can call the cops. I am a changed man. And I owe it all to the empowerment and leadership seminar: Taking Back the Light.
This all started when I found out that our chief editor, Jack O’Brien, was leaving for vacation this week. Now, I’m no slouch. I took some business classes in college and I remember all of the lessons that I learned there: An absent leader always leaves a power vacuum. The weak do not deserve to lead. The strength to take leadership gives one the right to lead. You keep what you kill.
With these lessons in mind, I confronted our acting editor, David Wong, in the hallway by the sandwich table.
“I challenge you to fisticuffs,” I screamed confidently, setting my feet shoulder width apart and thrusting my chest forward, like I’ve seen countless action heroes and busty sluts do. I was prepared for action.
Then he punched me in the face, and I cried for two straight days.
It turns out that I was misled about a few things: First off, I never went to college; I was thinking of the couch. Secondly, apparently I was confusing “business classes” for The Chronicles of Riddick. And third: Fisticuffs is not that game where you hold your hands out and try to slap the other person’s before they can pull them away; it’s punching.
Business Casual
This series of shocking revelations left my self-confidence shattered and I was stuck in a shame spiral like a fat kid on a water slide. So, in an effort to better myself, I began looking for self-empowerment courses.
***
I arrived at the five-day seminar fully packed and completely prepared for anything: One change of clothes (sans underwear), eight packets of condoms (because nothing puts out like low self-esteem), two fifths of Bulleit Bourbon (because some things are worth doing right), 14 Popsicle sticks and one roll of duct tape (because I have seen MacGyver, and I know that everything else on this earth can be duplicated with a bevy of balsa wood and Duct Brand Taping Solutions). What I was not prepared for, however, was all of the pastel sweaters and the unnerving, unwavering smiles: This leadership seminar was at a church.
Church wouldn’t be so creepy if they didn’t all turn to look at you simultaneously. Also, the screaming. The screaming is unsettling.
“Welcome brothers in Christ,” said a man that I decided looked like a Chaz or a Dean, “My name is Dean-” (I fucking knew it) “-and I’ll be your leader for the next five days. But after that–the leaders are going to be you! Now, let’s start off things with an introduction and a few facts about you. This is my partner Kelly, and she’ll kick it off! Kick it, Kelly!”
“I’ll kick you, Dean!” Kelly replied sassily. There was appreciative laughter throughout the room, but I could see the secret hate she kept concealed. It bonded me to her. Kelly was a dark and shattered mistress yearning for control, but trapped forever behind the argyle shadow of Dean and his piano-key teeth.
“My name is Kelly,” she continued, the suppressed torture oozing from her like poisonous ichors. “And I’m a licensed windsurfing instructor. I love to ski, hot cocoa and my personal hero–aside from Jesus Christ,” she said, cocking her head adorably, no doubt to hide the sickening irony she felt, “is Kelly Ripa from Live with Regis and Kelly! She’s so inspiring, and she’s got a great first name! Tee hee!”
The rest of the introductions passed in a blur: Some dude skipped over for a promotion, a laid-off garbageman, a divorcee–honestly, I wasn’t paying much attention, I was busy drowning in the shroud of lust that hung thick in the air, strung like a sexy clothesline between my eyes and Kelly’s sultry, heaving breasts; the darkness within her heart barely concealed by… well, her breasts again. Wait. What were we talking about?
“Sir?” She asked. “Sir?”
“What?” I responded.
“Sir…you uh…it’s your turn? For introductions?”
“Oh, right. I’m Robert,” I said, extending my hand towards her chest, hoping she would she would shake it vigorously. “I’m only a little drunk now, and I got here on the bus.”
“That’s… great,” she said, backing away–obviously perturbed by the surging sexual connection between us that was probably made clear by the erection I kept pointing at.
“We’re going to do some roleplaying exercises,” Chet or Dan or whatever said. “Who wants to go first?”
The woman in front of me started to raise her hand, but I quickly slapped it down and strode up to the staging area.
“OK, Robert! Good, let’s have you be-” Chad or David or whatever started to say, but I cut him off.
“I got this one, Chuck -”
“Dean.”
“Whatever. I’ll be the school principal and Kelly, you can be the naughty student sent to-”
“It’s not that kind of roleplaying, Robert,” Kelly interjected, clearly hoping for some interjections of her own (get it? Interjecting her with my pe- ah, you probably get it.)
I was going to ask if you’d been a naughty girl, but prostitutes are mostly naughty these days.
“This is a little self-assertion exercise we do here,” Chubs or Donald or whatever continued, “Kelly’s going to be your manager, and you’re going to ask her for a raise. We’re going to want you to keep three things in mind here, and this is our first lesson, everybody: The Three P’s. These are three things you want to remember in every conversation and they are: Positivity, Poise and Praise! Positivity, because a smile is always better than a frown. Poise, because a person held properly will always point the way to prosperity. And Praise, because all praise be to the Lord!”
A brief cheer rung out that went on just a bit too long. The sad divorcee started thrashing around in the front row.
“Subhey abulhey chut chut akkula! Akkula chut!” She screamed, seizing on the floor like some kind of dying fish (if dying fish could get divorced).
“Holy shit! That lady got so excited she went fucking Chinese!” I yelled, unable to contain my astonishment.
“Robert, no! Good lord! This is the Apostolic Church. Did you not notice that when you signed up? We’re Pentecostals. She’s speaking in tongues,” Kelly informed me.
“I’ll speak in your tongue,” I replied quickly, subtly flicking my tongue between my outstretched fingers to tactfully illustrate the point.
“That’s it! OUT!” Kelly screamed, that inner darkness finally beginning to vent, lending her flashing eyes a sexy fire and her ball-kicking feet a sultry twist.
“Kelly, no!” said Chap or Donkey or whatever. “What kind of Christians would we be if we turned our back on a lost soul?”
“The kind that gets all Chinese whenever shit goes down?” I offered.
Kelly flashed me a look that was supposed to be anger, but was really thinly disguised lust (you could tell by her boobs. The fact that she had them.)
Your eyes say no, but your boobs say… well, they also say no. I just like to listen to them.
“Take a break, Kel. I’ll take over the exercise. OK, Robert. I’m your boss and you’re asking me for a raise. Remember, Three P’s! OK, here we go…” Chance or Dongle or whatever actually pretended to step out of the room, opening a fake door and everything. “Hiya, Robert! You’ve been doing some great work lately!”
“On your wife,” I replied. Which was awesome.
“That is not appropriate for a work environment. Just… really pretend that I’m your boss, Robert. Pretend that I’m whoever is in charge in your life, and react to me like that–but be confident!” He mimed stepping out of the door again like a dickhead (because anybody that mimes anything does so “like a dickhead.”)
His words really struck me this time, though. I came here to improve, after all. I came here to be a better, stronger man. I really had to portray that strength.
“Heya, Robert!” He began, emerging through his douchebag door. “Great work you’ve beeAAAAAAAAHH CHRIST ALMIGHTY!”
I briefly stopped biting Chalupa or Doo-wap or whatever to see if he was OK. He was really good at this roleplaying stuff–this even tasted like real blood.
“What in God’s name are you doing?!” He screamed.
“I’m being confident!” I answered proudly, baring my teeth like I’ve seen confident people do in those movies where confident people rise from the grave and devour the living.
“That’s…OK. Deep breath,” he said to himself, “all in God’s name, Dean,”
“Dingle,” I corrected.
“OK,” he said, sighing, “let’s do this again, and the confidence is good! But no physical violence, OK?” He stepped out of the imaginary doorway again.
“You forgot to close that,” I informed him.
“Oh right, sorry I’ll just-” he stopped midsentence. A look of despair overtook him.
I smiled pleasantly.
***
“OK, Robert. I feel like we’ve made some great progress here these past 14 hours, but let’s try this one more time! I know you can get this! And remember, how do people show confidence?” Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers asked me.
“With words,” I replied.
“And how do we not show confidence?”
“By mounting people and thrusting my hips into them,” I replied.
“Like…?” He prodded.
“Like dogs do,” I answered shamefully.
Pictured: CONFIDENCE!
“Excellent! So last time, and remember: Believe in yourself and you will have power! The immense power that can only be given to you from God!”
“Ackle backle,” grunted the spastic faux-Chinese divorcee, “urgle.”
“Hey there, sport!” Chortles chirped, stepping in the door. “Good work you’ve been doing lately!”
“Great work.” I corrected him.
“Hey… that’s… that’s good. That’s really good! Oh thank Christ, that’s fantastic, Robert! Continue!”
“I am an asset to this company, sir,” I pressed on, feeling more confident all the while, “and a valuable one. My talents and merits are going vastly unappreciated here lately and I just feel like you may be taking all of my hard work for granted.”
“Good,” Charles in Charge cried, actual tears streaming down his face. “This is so good!”
“I just really feel like you’ve made me powerless lately, but that’s a falsehood,” I went on, a strange flush heating my skin. “That is a falsehood because I HAVE POWER THROUGH GOD!”
Pictured: Salvation (or a successful touchdown.)
“BORKINS BOP A DOO WOP,” screamed Kelly, suddenly seizing and falling to the floor, her breasts vigorously jiggling with the spirit of the lord.
“He has given me power! And it is only His to give! Only His to lord over me! No man has the power of God! No man has power over me!” I felt all control over my voice slipping; it was reaching a booming crescendo that took me quite by surprise.
“God, yes!” bellowed CherZ1 or whatever.
“I ALONE AM GIVEN POWER BY GOD. I ALONE AM GIVEN POWER OVER MAN BY HIS WILL!” I was also surprised to find myself kicking over chairs at this point, while nearly half of the other participants flailed on the floor like an epileptic orgy.
“Wait, Robert this is getting out of hand a litt-”
“I AM THE POWER! I AM POWER!” I chanted relentlessly, taking the bourbon and lighter from my sack. I tore a strip of cloth from Kelly’s T-shirt, who was starting to froth at the mouth a little like a sexy little rabid fox, and stuffed it into the bottle.
“I AM POWER! I AM POWER! AND YOU!” I pointed at Cheeseburger and Danish or whatever with my now lit Molotov cocktail. “YOU HAVE BLASPHEMED AGAINST ME!”
“Oh God, no. OH JESUS GOD HE’S CRAZY! SOMEBODY HELP! GOD! GOD SAVE ME!” He babbled, scrabbling away in terror.
“God? GOD?! FIRE IS YOUR ONLY GOD NOW, SON, AND I WILL SHOW YOU HOW BEST TO WORSHIP IT.”
And his commandments are gasoline and pain.
The bottle left my hand, and the flush in my skin became fire, and the fire became manifest from my body. The holy inferno began to consume the church around me, while the seminar-goers jerked and wailed through the flames. The beams buckled and broke; the choking heat wove a tapestry of Hellfire through the loom of God’s house, and all of its threads… were death.
When the firemen arrived, they found me just emerging from the conflagration, the helpless, spent and still body of Kelly resting gently in my arms. She alone was safe–safe and grateful–blissfully unaware of anything that had happened since The Spirit had taken her.
“What… what’s going on?” She asked me, her voice weak and uncertain.
“I delivered you,” I reassured her. “I delivered you from fire.”
***
“…And then we totally had sex right against the firetruck and that’s why you should give me a raise,” I finished telling David Wong, acting editor.
He was silent for a long, long time.
“First of all: Please at least refrain from following me into the bathroom during these stories, Robert. And second,” he said, stepping away from the urinal and shaking it (side to side, like a Frenchman), “I’m pretty sure none of that happened. According to your expense reports you spent all last weekend doing ‘research’ for your next drug-based article in the alley behind the Stop ‘N Save. And finally: I’m just in charge of Editorial for like a week. I can’t even give raises.”
“Oh… OK,” I said, trying not to let my disappointment show.
“Do you at least want to play fisticuffs then?” I held my hands outstretched before him, “I’ve been practicing.”
This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 14th, 2009 at 11:31 pm and is filed under Religion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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October 30th, 2009 at 2:03 am
i loled
October 13th, 2009 at 5:44 pm
God the picture of the dog with CONFIDENCE!!!! made me laugh so hard my roommate stared at me. I tip my hat to you good sir.
September 20th, 2009 at 6:00 am
These short stories are awesome. LOL.
September 15th, 2009 at 12:48 pm
You short stories are fucking great. It makes me happy that I speak AND read English, unlike all those lazy sea animals.
September 14th, 2009 at 5:07 am
Wanna find a tall partner???
Here is a very nice place——— Tallfinder.c-o-m ———It’s where Tall singles looking for someone to enjoy their lifestyle with.You are just seconds away from taking that first step towards the life you have been longing for…
September 10th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
Articles are absolutely hilarious!
Remind me of Chuck Palahniuk (sp?) Diary, Choke and Survivor mostly.
I have your book pre-ordered on Amazon already.
You’re a believer, aren’t you Brockway? You write blasphemous articles but I can’t shake this feeling that you believe in Jesus Christ.
September 10th, 2009 at 9:07 am
the speaking in tongues was hilarious, it almost got me fired haha
August 28th, 2009 at 5:41 pm
Just re-read this and it is just as funny the second time as it was the first. I forgot the end and was again suprised.
Good stuff man, keep up the goodd work.
August 17th, 2009 at 1:44 pm
God yes! I haven’t laughed that hard since I read Choose Your Own Adventure (On Drugs) In Space!
August 14th, 2009 at 4:49 am
Dear God! I haven’t laughed like that since the last article.
August 10th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Hey you! Write a manuscript, please. I admire your abilities highly.
August 7th, 2009 at 4:43 am
This is one of the funniest I have read. Had me laughing my ass off so hard I had to re-read it twice.
August 2nd, 2009 at 3:07 pm
abolutely amazing
August 1st, 2009 at 7:45 am
This was awsome! Looking forward for the next instalment of “Brockway’s choose your own adventure… on drugs”.
July 30th, 2009 at 10:37 am
fucking awesome! “I tore a strip of cloth from Kelly’s T-shirt, who was starting to froth at the mouth a little like a sexy little rabid fox”
July 29th, 2009 at 2:51 am
’said Chaps or Donkey or whatever’
priceless
July 27th, 2009 at 8:55 am
FUCK U TED! Keep rockin Brockway! WOOOT!
July 22nd, 2009 at 4:50 am
Great article, like someone already said: never stop writing.
July 21st, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Hell yeah
July 20th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Great reading, very eloquent mixing lust for religious chicks with being filled with the violent power of christ, reminds me of that GREAT scene in THERE WILL BE BLOOD when the preacher let loose with all the fury of speaking of tounges and just blew everyone away at this little bullshit church in the middle of nowhere….great film, great comedy writing…Francine
July 20th, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I wish I couldn’t empathise so much with the persona portrayed in this blog. Oh, and Ted, fuck you. Fuck you and your face. Brockway is ludicrously eloquent, funny AND bearded (although my father always told me that only two types of men sport beards: Santa and pederasts, so, Brockway. Do you have any presents for me?).
July 20th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
DOB did fictional, inappropriate innuendo first, and Swaim did bouts of insanity in which he slaughtered innocent people and destroyed some sort of architecture. It was funny, Brockway, but not original.
Now I’ll go back to crying silently and not being a professional writer.
July 20th, 2009 at 2:18 am
This article is THE TITS!
July 18th, 2009 at 7:01 am
Brockway has a gift. He is just about the only thing I read that routinely makes me burst out in fits of laughter. I mean come on. “YOU HAVE BLASPHEMED AGAINST ME.” Fucking brilliant.
July 17th, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Dude, I just got brought to a Landmark education thing (self empowerment seminar) and the part about them always smiling is so true. Its fuckin creepy and they make perfect, unfazed eye contact CONSTANTLY. I’ve never been so scared in my life. By the way, great article, i laughed my ass off.
July 17th, 2009 at 11:14 am
elspeth said it best
July 17th, 2009 at 9:29 am
dongtactular!
July 17th, 2009 at 1:15 am
I laughed really hard at this and it was much needed cause as far as laughter goes there hasn’t been much of that in my life lately. Thanks for writing something so ridiculous and entertaining.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:52 pm
Well done sir! You have inspired me to always shake it from side to side like a Frenchmen.
July 16th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
WANNA meet your classy half?
you can log on __C lassyMingle C om___. many nice and single people you will meet. Do not miss the love in your lifetime
July 16th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
This is the funniest damned thing I’ve read in months. Thanks man, now everybody around me thinks I’m crazy.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:13 am
Also: “shaking it (side to side, like a Frenchman)” made me giggle like a little girl.
July 16th, 2009 at 11:12 am
“And his commandments are gasoline and pain.”
Amen.
July 16th, 2009 at 6:37 am
You get a gold star in hilariousity!
July 16th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Blissful. Thank you, I needed something funny to read after I re-gained my vision from thrusting my thumbs into my eyeballs and screaming random animal noises, racial epithets, and quotes from Hanson’s “Mmm Bop” - all due to SeanBaby’s last atrocious post. That cocknucklefuckass. May his loins burn like Hellen Keller in an oven (sounds like down’s syndrome in an industrial laundrymat dryer….teehee giggle)
July 16th, 2009 at 5:54 am
Amazing
July 16th, 2009 at 3:09 am
This article was funny, also DOBish. lol
July 16th, 2009 at 1:51 am
This article rocked socks in ways I’ve never seen them rocked before!
You, sir, get bonus points.
July 16th, 2009 at 1:05 am
“Because anybody who mimes anything does so like a dickhead”…
Peanuts, Brock. I was eating peanuts and you almost killed me. Have some fucking consideration before you be all hilarious and shit.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:56 am
i love you.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:17 am
This article should have been named “Fear And Loathing In The Alley Behind Stop ‘N Save.”
July 15th, 2009 at 10:43 pm
ho hum
July 15th, 2009 at 10:28 pm
Holy balls I just laughed a lot. Brilliant.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:33 pm
Confidence! Great article.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:13 pm
it has been a long time sense i laughed so hard at an article on cracked, but for whatever reason i loved this! well done sir
July 15th, 2009 at 9:08 pm
Easily one of the best articles in months! Fucking awesome!
July 15th, 2009 at 8:52 pm
“Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers”
Thanks Brock.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:00 pm
@Anonymouse: They know no one is having a seizure because they’re all faking it. I know this from personal experience during the time I went to a Pentecostal church. I faked so well that a photograph of me “accepting the Holy Spirit” made it onto a nationally distributed pamphlet. I laugh about it to this day.
Also, I loved this article. This was great. “And his commandments are gasoline and flame.”
July 15th, 2009 at 6:31 pm
My friend recommended me a very interesting place __ http://WealthyMingle.net __ It’s where wealthy singles looking for someone to enjoy their wealthy lifestyle with! Maybe you should check it out! Thanks~~
July 15th, 2009 at 6:12 pm
Usually articles mocking religion/Christianity are pretty funny, but the comment section is a wasteland of cynical one-liners that stopped being clever or edgy at least 40 years ago.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:55 pm
You should right books. Like, you know, the bible. I get the feeling your version would be much, MUCH more badass, and just about as accurate.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
“God? GOD?! FIRE IS YOUR ONLY GOD NOW, SON, AND I WILL SHOW YOU HOW BEST TO WORSHIP IT.”
This made me spit my drink all over my screen. Congratulations, Brock, you have now written one of my favorite articles EVER in this website!
July 15th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Pentacostals are fucking crazy. How do they know the difference from someone “speaking in tongues” and someone who’s actually having a seizure?
July 15th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
It’s good to know I’m not the only one with a crazy shit going on inside my head. But you get paid to write it down!!
July 15th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Jesus, I was actually avoiding this because your videos are so unfunny. But this was absolutely hilarious - like, DOB levels of awesome. Write more articles, man. Forget about the videos and just write more articles like this.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:59 pm
When I started reading this and found out it’s a church, I guessed “I bet this is a Pentacostal Church!”
July 15th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
that was awesome
July 15th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
“side to side, like a Frenchman”
fucking hilarious from start to finish.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Pointing at your erection like a shameless jackass is what got the laughter started. XD Nicely done
July 15th, 2009 at 3:47 pm
I hate you, Brockway. I hate the way you continuously prove to me that I am not funny and will never be, because you have actually drained all the funny from me and everyone in a fifty mile radius and injected it into this article. You do this EVERY FREAKING WEEK.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:42 pm
i think i peed a little.
way too funny for work.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:29 pm
Great article Chubs or Donald or whatever your name is.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
“And his commandments are gasoline and pain.”
Finally I realize why all the current religions bore the crap out of me.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I’ll play fisticuffs with you. Only we’ll have to mime it over the internet like dickheads. Anyone for dickicuffs?
July 15th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
Great work, you made my day mr.brockway, please keep writing for the rest of your life
July 15th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
That article went from good, to great… from the sublime to the ridiculous… from here to eterntity… (?)
It was really, really funny.
Until you dropped the frikkin’ LAST LINE :
“Do you at least want to play fisticuffs then? I’ve been practicing.”
Gawd! How delightfully droll!
Please don’t kill your work.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Ooh man, that was great. I haven’t had to stop reading articles to laugh in a while. Thanks dude,
July 15th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
LOVIN da BOOBS! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
July 15th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
“God? GOD?! FIRE IS YOUR ONLY GOD NOW, SON, AND I WILL SHOW YOU HOW BEST TO WORSHIP IT.”
Brilliant. Stupendously well done, Mr. Brockway.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
My friend recommended me a very interesting place __ http://WealthyMingle.net __ It’s where wealthy singles looking for someone to enjoy their wealthy lifestyle with! Maybe you should check it out! Thanks~~
July 15th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I died laughing hahaha
July 15th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
tl;dr
July 15th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
tl;dr
July 15th, 2009 at 12:25 pm
perfect
July 15th, 2009 at 12:08 pm
im fckng baked right now ><
July 15th, 2009 at 12:05 pm
Um… Wow.
What are you on, why aren’t you sharing it with us, and where can I find some?
God DAMN.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:38 am
It’s like Dave Barry and Satan had a child…
July 15th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I love you. I love you and I want to have your tiny drugged up babies. I have boobs.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:34 am
Tears of joy streaming.
Brockway’s humor mind blowing.
I just pissed myself.
July 15th, 2009 at 11:23 am
BORKINS BOP A DOO WOP
hahahah brilliant
O MY GOD SHE GOT SO EXCITED SHES FUCKING CHINESE
July 15th, 2009 at 10:46 am
i love brockway’s stuff. but i never manage past the first half. i guess my attention span is jus
July 15th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Oh my god, oh… my… god! I am speechless. This is incredible. No man could have created this. NAY!!!! NO HUMAN!
That is all.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:36 am
BROCKWAY does it again!! pure brilliance, sir!!
the road to success is paved with these words:
“I’m only a little drunk now, and I got here on the bus.”
/points at the erection i am making no attempt to hide
July 15th, 2009 at 10:27 am
This is great, you almost made me choke
July 15th, 2009 at 10:22 am
My friend recommended me a very interesting place __WealthyMingle.net__ It’s where wealthy singles looking for someone to enjoy their wealthy lifestyle with! Maybe you should check it out! Thanks~~
July 15th, 2009 at 10:17 am
EXCELLENT… been far too long since I read something this funny.
July 15th, 2009 at 10:07 am
about time a decent article got put up.
It’s been weeks!
and by decent, I mean fuckin fantastic!
July 15th, 2009 at 10:01 am
Articles like this are the reason I vist Cracked.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:59 am
@Walker
Not really. It just means that you, me, and Madchester have a photographic memory for great tits.
If you’ve ever seen Christina Hendricks once, those massive mammaries will stay imprinted in the brain for the rest of your life.
I see them everywhere now. Even in my sleep. I looked outside my window and all the trees and parked cars remind me of her big squishy tits. How’s that for abnormal?
July 15th, 2009 at 9:58 am
Holy shit dude, I love you.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:54 am
I’m no expert on Christians and their weird practices, but I’m pretty sure they don’t say “borkins bop a doo wop” in their tongues, lol.
July 15th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Ahahaha. This is the best.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:54 am
Is it abnormal that I was able to recognize those breasts as Christina Hendricks’? Great article.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:48 am
Brockway- Stop ripping me off!
July 15th, 2009 at 8:25 am
Good god, Robert. How much LSD can a person take before they die?
July 15th, 2009 at 8:19 am
While you and Kelly were having sex did ‘Sex on Fire’ play in the background?
What about ‘Pistol of Fire?’
July 15th, 2009 at 8:18 am
Awesome all around! I just about fell out of my chair laughing when I read …”epileptic orgy”
July 15th, 2009 at 8:10 am
lol christians lmao
obee bogwee amma bamma fnoof
obama
wtf, i like obama
July 15th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Brilliant work. Constantly laughing out loud throughout
I also second Jazon VorheeZ’s comments about Christina Hendricks’ breasts. They are simply magnificent!
July 15th, 2009 at 8:02 am
That was hilarious! Funniest thing I’ve experienced all day. But it’s still very early in the morning, and I’ve only had a couple of drinks so far, so take that with a grain of salt.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:01 am
Dear god, I never wanted to know how he shakes it.
July 15th, 2009 at 8:00 am
“I am a weak man. I am little more than a collection of interesting flaws surrounded by a flimsy shell of sleazy charm and sometimes a t-shirt. I am full of uncertainty and doubt, and I can feel it affecting my every single waking moment. Or at least, that’s who I used to be.”
I am going to put that paragraph on match.com or weathymingle.net, I am not sure yet. Great stuff, I was laughing so hard I was crying.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:55 am
brilliant, i, too, am guilty of shedding tears from laughter. ‘cept i’m a white boy in a black neighborhood reading outside. almost got me shot, you bastard.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:50 am
Oh man, that was way too funny. Great stuff! ^_^
July 15th, 2009 at 7:46 am
I was hoping you’d get arrested again.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:45 am
that was amazing. just amazing. the power of Brockway is strong.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:44 am
Beautiful. I know Kelly and you will have a beautiful life together in therapy. I laughed the whole way through.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:39 am
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July 15th, 2009 at 7:23 am
oh my god, this was the funniest thing I’ve read all day
July 15th, 2009 at 7:19 am
The dark side of the Force is strong in this one!
July 15th, 2009 at 7:18 am
It may sound far fetched but that’s really how Pentecostals are like. I’ve been to a couple of their services and it’s like someone turned on a strobe light at an epilepsy support group. You could say anything in the world and as long as you followed with a “OH JESUS CHRIST!” you could have people rolling in the aisles.
Hilarious article, I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who thinks Pentecostals are complete nutjobs.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:13 am
Awesome article.
July 15th, 2009 at 7:12 am
Another piece of genius.
DUGG!
July 15th, 2009 at 7:03 am
I tried to contain my laughing. It didn’t work. My coworker was looking at me and probably hating me for not working and being merry.
You did forget one thing, tho’: The Christian-Death-Metal rock opera that was playing whilst the Church was burning down.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:58 am
BRILLIANT- this shit was funny throughout and made me laugh so many times. Best article in a long time. Kudos, my friend.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:46 am
Awesome.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:35 am
Fucking great article. I´ve laughed like I hadn´t in a looong time. Good work!
July 15th, 2009 at 6:33 am
I don’t ever comment on articles but this one deserves a hearty congratualtions. Freakin’ awesome.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:21 am
Damn, I recognize those gigantic breasts anywhere. That’s Christina Hendricks with her red-headed fine ass.
Anyways, Way to go Brockman.
Your shit is always on point.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:15 am
Everybody at work is making fun of me because I fell off my chair laughing so hard. Pure genius, Robert.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:12 am
genius! that’s the only word that went through my mind after reading this, I just about fell to the floor with laughter. Bravo Brockway, can’t wait to see how you beat this.
July 15th, 2009 at 6:10 am
I was reading this at work in an office I share with a couple people…and I could not stop laughing. Seriously, embarrass me more, why don’t you?!
July 15th, 2009 at 6:07 am
Why do all Bobaway posts end with church burnings?
July 15th, 2009 at 6:04 am
[...] to comments Posted in: Featured• Uncategorized• Video Games New column up at Cracked wherein I attend a pentecostal church, because I feel like my place in this world may be more than just cracking jokes and mindless [...]
July 15th, 2009 at 5:59 am
I wonder if that’s what Scientology is like?
July 15th, 2009 at 5:46 am
I laughed so hard I fell off my beanbag.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:44 am
“I’m being confident!” I answered proudly, baring my teeth like I’ve seen confident people do in those movies where confident people rise from the grave and devour the living.
that’s where tears started coming out.
and i can’t read this sentence without laughing out loud like a maniac.
that’s pure (evil) genius
July 15th, 2009 at 5:39 am
ok, here’s the deal:
you now take turns with the DOB doing that fucking moron Seanbaby’s spot.
ok?
July 15th, 2009 at 5:32 am
“BORKINS BOP A DOO WOP,” screamed Kelly, suddenly seizing and falling to the floor, her breasts vigorously jiggling with the spirit of the lord.
That line made me totally lose my shit at work. I thank you.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:24 am
Hilarious, one of the best things I’ve read in a while
July 15th, 2009 at 5:21 am
I though she was invoking Chutulhu or however the heck that’s spelled
July 15th, 2009 at 5:18 am
I actually read the whole damn thing. That’s big praise, since I hardly ever read these editorials. Congratulations. I think the boobs helped maintain the story… otherwise it would’ve been just insanity and fire… and while insanity and fire are good… they aren’t always great.
July 15th, 2009 at 5:13 am
Yeah, I didn’t see the inferno coming. Well done, Brockway!
July 15th, 2009 at 5:09 am
oh god, there were tears in my eyes, struggling to breathe in places. never ever stop writing you glorious motherfucker
July 15th, 2009 at 5:00 am
I also laughed so hard that I wet Tetsuo. (see below)
July 15th, 2009 at 4:58 am
This is a good explanation as how to put overselves in good hands
July 15th, 2009 at 4:30 am
Nice article, fun to read.
July 15th, 2009 at 4:26 am
Subhey abulhey chut chut akkula! Akkula chut! =))))))))))))))
July 15th, 2009 at 4:24 am
brockway, you are the god of hellfire,
that was sensational
July 15th, 2009 at 3:18 am
Not gonna lie: I chortled.
July 15th, 2009 at 3:14 am
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July 15th, 2009 at 3:09 am
Epic win.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:42 am
Awesome article. Props my mate!
July 15th, 2009 at 2:30 am
You know, I’m getting so bored with this unenlightened low brow humor. But, this isn’t bad.
July 15th, 2009 at 2:19 am
I laughed so hard I wet myself.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:34 am
brockway is fucking nuts. bravo.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Perfect, as is the rest of your Gonzo articles. But by now I say the time has come to LIVE THE DREAM, man. Grab some Oxycontin and some marijuana, a six-pack and Goddamnit, go out and dare be a Gonzo yourself. We need real investigations, with real drugs.
July 15th, 2009 at 1:07 am
Awesome article!
“And his commandments are gasoline and pain.”
Of the chain.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:42 am
Your ability to make me laugh like a drunken hyena is simply epic
July 15th, 2009 at 12:38 am
Brockway, I’m gonna fuck you till you love me.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:24 am
It might just be because its 4:30 in the morning but I almost cried near the middle from laughter. Anyways great article, one of my favorites in awhile
July 15th, 2009 at 12:19 am
Insane as always.
Gotta love it.
July 15th, 2009 at 12:16 am
“And his commandments are gasoline and pain.”
hahaha Brockway you slay me. so good
July 15th, 2009 at 12:14 am
Nothin better than crazy christian pussy
July 15th, 2009 at 12:10 am
I love you, Brockway. Please marry me.
July 14th, 2009 at 11:56 pm
That Kelly chick sounded HOT!