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A Guide to Your Local Mall (Post Marijuana Legalization)

When I roll out of bed in the morning, it’s into a big, fluffy pile of pot leaves. Then I laugh and laugh, because my bed IS a big pile of pot leaves, which can only mean I fell asleep in the hash-hammock again! Then I go and shower all of the hash stink off myself and head into work. This routine is pretty common to most native Californians. We also all surf every morning and are all tan and named Chad.

So naturally, it came as quite a surprise to me, Chad, when I read in this month’s High Times that a bill that would legalize the recreational use of marijuana in California is JUST NOW heading for a vote. As far as I’d ever known, smoking pot was and had always been as legal as drinking alcohol, dropping acid, or dropping acid into other peoples’ alcohol. I surfed over to my private mall to get to the bottom of it.

As my personal shopper Chad soon informed me, the reason weed has always been available at my private mall is that I’m a billionaire playboy with a private mall. So, I guess mystery solved.

But hey, while I’m here, it seems like the perfect time to share the wonders of a pot-legal mall with the world (and of course to exercise my 8% “mall owner’s discount”)! After all, we Cali-tan-i-dudes are on the verge of legalizing, and it’s only a matter of time before the rest of the states want to look cool and financially solvent too.

So grab a surfboard and let’s carve or jam or whatever they say, because you’re about to get a glimpse into the future of American retail!

WELCOME TO GREENLEAF MALL (A WESTFIELD JOINT)

If you’re like me, the first thing you notice upon entering the mall is how insanely high you are. Then you notice that there’s this one floor tile right at the entrance that’s slightly off center.

So you notice that for a while, and what it says about you as a person, but before you can get too deeply into things in any serious way, you’re drawn forward by the lights, glamor, and heavy pot-stench beckoning you down the glittering halls.

Passing through a hazy barrier so pungent with mary jane that you may as well be attending Willie Nelson’s cremation, you venture on.

FUZZIER IMAGE (Formerly Sharper Image)

The folks at the Fuzz have managed to hang onto that sleek, modern office feel, while incorporating the intense chronic that you want from a high-end mall gadgeteria. Shelves are crowded with minor miracles, from things that are clearly clocks powered by some kind of gel, to things that might be clocks, but their displays aren’t working right now. Whether you’re supposed to smoke weed out them or not (usually you are, but ask before buying), each is a testament to man’s tool-using prowess and desire to fit an entire ecosystem into a two-inch glass cube.

Seriously, they put this little shrimp in there with a plant and water, and he can just live like that forever. And you’re supposed to just put it on your desk at work. You’re like God, watching this little cube of life. I mean, maybe that’s how God really is, you know? Maybe we’re just these little eternally cycling lives, and he’s like this regular bourgeois guy at his desk who just has paperwork to do and we’re like just a toy to him, just a way to feel in control, to feel powerful while he tries to nail his secretary and land the Whatever account.

You can also ride a Segway at Fuzzier Image, but you have to pretend like you’re actually interested in buying it.

SAMPLE PRODUCTSThe Bose-Hauptmann LaserBong: This stunning study in green crystal combines all the functionality and poise of a top shelf bong with the mesmerizing time-telling ability of a row of blinking LEDs. Take a rip, then stare in slack-jawed wonderment as the current date and time are projected onto the smoke before your very eyes! $49.99Motorized Eighth-Rack: Tired of constantly sorting through your many ounces of sweet green? Simply store them in this handy, closet-ready motorized rack. Individual eighth-sized pouches provide the perfect home for your bud, and the motor’s good for up to three million rotations, so hold the button and stare at your weed-go-round all you want, you high son of a bitch. $19.99.PotSoundz Sleep Aid: Trouble sleeping? You know what’s good for that? Oh, you’ve already tried smoking weed? You say you’ve smoked so MUCH weed that you’re lying in your bed shaking with your arms uncontrollably floating upwards? Just plug in your PotSoundz Sleep Aid clock radio and drift off to the soothing sounds of bong pulls, hacking coughs, and ill-timed giggling. $14.99.HIonFlow Air Depurifier: Standing at exactly 420 millimeters, this compactable, portable air depurifier uses patented HIon technology (the “HI” stands for “high, it gets you”) to actually infuse THC into the air of any room in which it’s placed. $0.99 for the unit, $40.00 per THC gel-pac filter insert.BUD-MART (Formerly Wal-Mart)

For the average American family, Wal-Mart’s low prices on bulk goods are a godsend. In much the same way, Bud-Mart’s three-gallon tubs of low-grade Tijuana Mary will keep you and the wife high out of your minds for only pennies a day! So head on in, but be sure to avoid eye contact with the greeters; mentally handicapped octogenarian stoners tend to startle easily.

HASH AND BODYHIGH (Formerly Bath and Bodyworks)

If your senses need a momentary break from the ever-present pot fog, duck into Greenleaf’s own body and fragrance store for a burst of lemon summertime or spritz of ocean breeze so authentic you’ll think someone poured a capful of saltwater up one nostril and Pledge up the other. Once you’ve recovered from your impromptu tropical getaway, why not sample a toke of the store’s signature strains, Lemon Summertime and Ocean Breeze? That’s right; they’re THE SAME PRODUCT.

You see, Hash and Bodyhigh’s aromatherapists have worked long and hard to craft marijuana plants that release, when smoked, soothing scents as diverse as Vanilla Warmth, Fresh Linen, and Purple Kooshy Dankenstein. Any of their line of exclusive scents can be enjoyed with a Hash and Bodyhigh oil-infusion aromatherapy kit (tea candle sold separately) or can be baked into a brownie.

SAMPLE PRODUCTSLavendr Designer Bongwater: Studies have shown that the average marijuana user inhales smoke by way of filthy, brackish bongwater swimming with parasites. Instead, why not upgrade your smoking experience with a bottle of Lavendr Designer Bongwater? Lavendr is imported from a town deep in the French countryside, whose inhabitants have spent centuries toiling on bongwater plantations to perfect their craft. So the next time you’re going to take a monster rip, enjoy it with a smooth blend of rosehip and lavender. And if you don’t like it, try it again in ten minutes and you probably will. It’s the H&B guarantee! $3.29/bottle.Body Butter Warning-Cozy: This elegant yet effective cozy is perfect intersect of function and aesthetics. In simple language and with bold lettering, the consumer is firmly reminded that Body Butter is NOT actual butter. Each cozy is crocheted by a genuinely high person, and fits snugly over a standard Hash and Bodyhigh butter tub.

So spare yourself embarrassment, as well as shockingly painful intestinal cramping. $6.99.FAT LIDS (Formerly GAP Kids)

Fat Lids has been shut down by the government for repeatedly selling drugs to children. We apologize for the inconvenience, and hope you’ll return for the grand opening of GYMBOREEFER at the same location!

BARNES & GANJA (Formerly Bookstar)

Barnes & Ganja is a modern Mecca for movie buffs, music lovers and bookworms alike. Browse through their vast collection of ambient, prog rock and world music, read virtually any work by a Central American revolutionary, or just lounge in a comfy chair with a steaming mug of "green tea" from the in-store coffee shop (that's what they call a cup of Marijuana!). To better accommodate today’s recreational pot user, Barnes & Ganja’s books are sorted not by author, but rather by what the thing on the cover looks like.

SAMPLE PRODUCTSPhish, Zappa, Radiohead and Techno, Vols. 1-19: Get all the music you’ll ever need in this 19-volume set, featuring hand-picked tracks from four of the greatest groups of our time: Phish, Frank Zappa, Radiohead, and the people that make techno music. $9.98/volume.Volumes include: Vol. 3 – Songs That Really Make You ThinkVol. 8 – Songs With The Word “Joint” In ThemVol. 11 – Songs That Have This One Crazy Part In The Breakdown, You Just Have To Hear It, Trust MePhish: If you still haven’t gotten your fill of Phish, why not meet them in person? While Phish aren’t technically for sale, I’ve been unable to get them to leave the store for several months now. Anyone who can prise them away from the upstairs smoking lounge is welcome to them. $6 O.B.O.The Cannabible, King James (Blunt) Edition: When was the last time you actually read your cannabible, rather than just using its pages for rolling papers?

Reconnect to your spiritual and marijuanical center with this handsome leatherbound edition, which features original biblical verse alongside full-color photos and vivid descriptions of more than a hundred different marijuana strains, as well as newly annotated psalms taken from Bob Marley lyrics, all fully approved by "You're Beautiful" singer J. Blunt.

Color-coded text helpfully indicates which words are those of Jesus himself and which are those of Ronnie, his dealer and college roommate. Thrill to Ronnie’s own, lesser-known Sermon on the Mount, wherein he describes how ferociously “thy mind shall be riven by this dankity-dank” (Book of Ronnie, 4:20). And the last few hundred pages are blank because James Blunt fell asleep! Did someone say rolling papers?$24.99.A HIT ‘O DISNEY(Formerly The Disney Store)

Embracing Greenleaf’s overall strategy, A Hit ‘O Disney has veered sharply away from its kid-friendly atmosphere, towards a more modern and sophisticated consumer experience. Gone are the overpriced dresses and licensed backpacks, replaced by monitors screening Disney classics round the clock. And thanks to a partnership with neighbors Barnes & Ganja, in-store music is a continuous loop of Pink Floyd’s seminal Dark Side of the Moon!

SAMPLE PRODUCTS

While A Hit ‘O Disney doesn’t actually sell anything, Terry has left a coffee can on the counter, and would appreciate everyone throwing in some singles on their way out.

SPENCER’S SPLIFFS (Formerly Spencer’s Gifts)

Spencer’s Gifts is a closet-sized phantasmagoria of blacklight posters, lava lamps, fake vomit and things shaped like boobs and dicks. In short, heaven. To find your way to this stoner’s paradise, just follow the sound of the uncontrollable laughter! Because honestly, if you’re “Spencer’s high,” the chances of you correctly deciphering a mall directory are about the same as you successfully performing open-heart surgery.

SAMPLE PRODUCTS“Flaming A@#hole” Spliff Caddy: If you’re sick of your spliffs constantly rolling under your seat when you’re trying to drive, then this comical dash-mounted spliff caddy may be just what you’re looking for. Go ahead, really stuff them in there; he won’t mind! The Flaming A@#hole Caddy makes a naughty fart sound when spliffs are removed, and is also available in testicle and boob versions (both of which also make fart noises when spliffs are removed). $7.99.Airzooka:Have you see this shit? It’s fucking amazing. Send clouds of Spencer’s signature “PoopVomitHaha” marijuana strain rocketing around the room at friends, enemies, or total strangers! The airzooka is lightweight, collapsible, and comes with targeting reticules, flame decals, and an audiobook explaining how to collapse it. $12.99.THE GREENLEAF 1 IMAX THEATER (Formerly The Greenleaf 18)

Until recently, our state-of-the art Imax and 3-D surround-sound digital projection theater featured stadium seating and eighteen screens. Now it's only got one giant screen, all the chairs have been replaced with rugs and love sacs, and since no one can agree on a movie we're just going to watch like a whole season of Ace of Cakes. I'm not sure when or how these events transpired, but my signature's on the order, so I'm standing behind it.

THE APPLE STORE BUT WITH WEED (Formerly The Apple Store)

Fairly similar to the more traditional Apple store, Greenleaf’s features a spare, open floor plan, few products, a lot of glowing things, and multicolored foam balls scattered around in front of computers loaded with children’s educational games. (Please note: there is generally a two- to three-hour wait for the children's games, so consider making an appointment online before coming in).

Of course, there are other differences as well. For example, an apple can very easily be made into a pipe, and The Apple Store But With Weed has taken steps to address that. And especially discerning consumers may notice that the Genius Bar is staffed entirely by cardboard cutouts, although so far no one has.

SAMPLE PRODUCTSiPot Shuffle: By now, everyone and their mother owns the original iPot, but what about those of us that simply don't need 300 GB of marijuana storage? Introducing the iPot Shuffle: just load a few choice nugs of your favorite strains into the hopper, then take it to the beach, pool, or anywhere else one can surf and tan. The Shuffle does the rest!

Rediscover forgotten favorites and enjoy the classics, all on the go! It’s guaranteed to make you wish that the iPot Shuffle played music, which it does not. And at a mere 5.2 lbs. and seven inches across, the Shuffle fits your lifestyle, going with you anywhere you’re allowed to wear a pot-smoking device strapped to your neck! Why pass to the left…when you can pass to yourself? $99.99.Highpad: It’s bright! It’s shiny! It wiggles around when you touch it! $299.99 (basic model, no wiggling).iPhone But With Weed: With an all-game App Market, built-in direct line to your nearest dispensary, and USB-compatible retract-o-pipe, the iPhone But With Weed is just like the iPhone…but with weed (in place of internal circuitry)!* $99.99 with two-year service contract.

*May affect reception in some areas.

WHACK SHACK (Formerly Radio Shack)

The best place in the mall to pick up all those little necessities: roach clips, pipe cleaners, rolling papers, even a 2N4401 NPN Switching Transistor! And trust me, if you’ve never smoked a joint with a 2N4401 NPN Switching Transistor in it, you’ve never lived. Admittedly, the clerks still don’t know how to help you or where anything is in the tiny store, but at least now they have a valid excuse!

LOOEY VITTON (Formerly Louis Vuitton)

Even in the post-legalization future, a certain strata of elite consumer will demand a higher-end product. Welcome to Looey, the very pinnacle of exclusivity and wealth (that can be achieved in a setting thirty yards from a fat lady with a screaming kid on a leash).

SAMPLE PRODUCTSThe LVJ: Though the store only has a single joint for sale, it’s roughly nine inches long, and rolled in a designer “LV” print by avant garde Japanese conceptual artist and fashion icon Hiroko Koshino. Carry this smokable with you, and high people everywhere will know that you are capable of achieving a classier and more difinitive high than they could ever imagine. Price available upon request.FOOD HERE! (Formerly Greenleaf Dining Plaza)

The crown jewel in the Greenleaf empire, our ford court is subdivided into four large quadrants, called “FOOD LAYERS,” which are themselves comprised of several standard-sized food courts scattered over multiple floors. Stop by some of our Greenleaf-exclusive restaurants, like Honeyworx, Munchies, Denny’s: Just Appetizers, Munchy's, Muncheez, or Taco Bell: Just Cinnamon Twists!

But the fun doesn’t end there! Rather than being housed entirely in a central location, the Greenleaf food court is seamlessly integrated into your shopping day. Enjoy a Mrs. Fields cookie sheet while you take the up escalator (only $1.99 a handful!), or a Godiva gourmet chocolate sampler at literally any time (simply shout “Godiva!” and a representative will find you).

And remember, every purchase made at the Greenleaf mall comes with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

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Michael Swaim

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