A Guide to Your Local Mall (Post Marijuana Legalization)

When I roll out of bed in the morning, its into a big, fluffy pile of pot leaves. Then I laugh and laugh, because my bed IS a big pile of pot leaves, which can only mean I fell asleep in the hash-hammock again! Then I go and shower all of the hash stink off myself and head into work. This routine is pretty common to most native Californians. We also all surf every morning and are all tan and named Chad.

So naturally, it came as quite a surprise to me, Chad, when I read in this months High Times that a bill that would legalize the recreational use of marijuana in California is JUST NOW heading for a vote. As far as Id ever known, smoking pot was and had always been as legal as drinking alcohol, dropping acid, or dropping acid into other peoples alcohol. I surfed over to my private mall to get to the bottom of it.

As my personal shopper Chad soon informed me, the reason weed has always been available at my private mall is that Im a billionaire playboy with a private mall. So, I guess mystery solved.

But hey, while Im here, it seems like the perfect time to share the wonders of a pot-legal mall with the world (and of course to exercise my 8% mall owners discount)! After all, we Cali-tan-i-dudes are on the verge of legalizing, and its only a matter of time before the rest of the states want to look cool and financially solvent too.

So grab a surfboard and lets carve or jam or whatever they say, because youre about to get a glimpse into the future of American retail!

So you notice that for a while, and what it says about you as a person, but before you can get too deeply into things in any serious way, youre drawn forward by the lights, glamor, and heavy pot-stench beckoning you down the glittering halls.

Passing through a hazy barrier so pungent with mary jane that you may as well be attending Willie Nelsons cremation, you venture on.

FUZZIER IMAGE (Formerly Sharper Image)

The folks at the Fuzz have managed to hang onto that sleek, modern office feel, while incorporating the intense chronic that you want from a high-end mall gadgeteria. Shelves are crowded with minor miracles, from things that are clearly clocks powered by some kind of gel, to things that might be clocks, but their displays arent working right now. Whether youre supposed to smoke weed out them or not (usually you are, but ask before buying), each is a testament to mans tool-using prowess and desire to fit an entire ecosystem into a two-inch glass cube.

Seriously, they put this little shrimp in there with a plant and water, and he can just live like that forever. And youre supposed to just put it on your desk at work. Youre like God, watching this little cube of life. I mean, maybe thats how God really is, you know? Maybe were just these little eternally cycling lives, and hes like this regular bourgeois guy at his desk who just has paperwork to do and were like just a toy to him, just a way to feel in control, to feel powerful while he tries to nail his secretary and land the Whatever account.

You can also ride a Segway at Fuzzier Image, but you have to pretend like youre actually interested in buying it.

SAMPLE PRODUCTSThe Bose-Hauptmann LaserBong: This stunning study in green crystal combines all the functionality and poise of a top shelf bong with the mesmerizing time-telling ability of a row of blinking LEDs. Take a rip, then stare in slack-jawed wonderment as the current date and time are projected onto the smoke before your very eyes! $49.99Motorized Eighth-Rack: Tired of constantly sorting through your many ounces of sweet green? Simply store them in this handy, closet-ready motorized rack. Individual eighth-sized pouches provide the perfect home for your bud, and the motors good for up to three million rotations, so hold the button and stare at your weed-go-round all you want, you high son of a bitch. $19.99.PotSoundz Sleep Aid: Trouble sleeping? You know whats good for that? Oh, youve already tried smoking weed? You say youve smoked so MUCH weed that youre lying in your bed shaking with your arms uncontrollably floating upwards? Just plug in your PotSoundz Sleep Aid clock radio and drift off to the soothing sounds of bong pulls, hacking coughs, and ill-timed giggling. $14.99.HIonFlow Air Depurifier: Standing at exactly 420 millimeters, this compactable, portable air depurifier uses patented HIon technology (the HI stands for high, it gets you) to actually infuse THC into the air of any room in which its placed. $0.99 for the unit, $40.00 per THC gel-pac filter insert.BUD-MART (Formerly Wal-Mart)

For the average American family, Wal-Marts low prices on bulk goods are a godsend. In much the same way, Bud-Marts three-gallon tubs of low-grade Tijuana Mary will keep you and the wife high out of your minds for only pennies a day! So head on in, but be sure to avoid eye contact with the greeters; mentally handicapped octogenarian stoners tend to startle easily.

HASH AND BODYHIGH (Formerly Bath and Bodyworks)

If your senses need a momentary break from the ever-present pot fog, duck into Greenleafs own body and fragrance store for a burst of lemon summertime or spritz of ocean breeze so authentic youll think someone poured a capful of saltwater up one nostril and Pledge up the other. Once youve recovered from your impromptu tropical getaway, why not sample a toke of the stores signature strains, Lemon Summertime and Ocean Breeze? Thats right; theyre THE SAME PRODUCT.

You see, Hash and Bodyhighs aromatherapists have worked long and hard to craft marijuana plants that release, when smoked, soothing scents as diverse as Vanilla Warmth, Fresh Linen, and Purple Kooshy Dankenstein. Any of their line of exclusive scents can be enjoyed with a Hash and Bodyhigh oil-infusion aromatherapy kit (tea candle sold separately) or can be baked into a brownie.

SAMPLE PRODUCTSLavendr Designer Bongwater: Studies have shown that the average marijuana user inhales smoke by way of filthy, brackish bongwater swimming with parasites. Instead, why not upgrade your smoking experience with a bottle of Lavendr Designer Bongwater? Lavendr is imported from a town deep in the French countryside, whose inhabitants have spent centuries toiling on bongwater plantations to perfect their craft. So the next time youre going to take a monster rip, enjoy it with a smooth blend of rosehip and lavender. And if you dont like it, try it again in ten minutes and you probably will. Its the H&B guarantee! $3.29/bottle.Body Butter Warning-Cozy: This elegant yet effective cozy is perfect intersect of function and aesthetics. In simple language and with bold lettering, the consumer is firmly reminded that Body Butter is NOT actual butter. Each cozy is crocheted by a genuinely high person, and fits snugly over a standard Hash and Bodyhigh butter tub.

So spare yourself embarrassment, as well as shockingly painful intestinal cramping. $6.99.FAT LIDS (Formerly GAP Kids)

Fat Lids has been shut down by the government for repeatedly selling drugs to children. We apologize for the inconvenience, and hope youll return for the grand opening of GYMBOREEFER at the same location!

BARNES & GANJA (Formerly Bookstar)

Barnes & Ganja is a modern Mecca for movie buffs, music lovers and bookworms alike. Browse through their vast collection of ambient, prog rock and world music, read virtually any work by a Central American revolutionary, or just lounge in a comfy chair with a steaming mug of "green tea" from the in-store coffee shop (that's what they call a cup of Marijuana!). To better accommodate todays recreational pot user, Barnes & Ganjas books are sorted not by author, but rather by what the thing on the cover looks like.

Reconnect to your spiritual and marijuanical center with this handsome leatherbound edition, which features original biblical verse alongside full-color photos and vivid descriptions of more than a hundred different marijuana strains, as well as newly annotated psalms taken from Bob Marley lyrics, all fully approved by "You're Beautiful" singer J. Blunt.

Color-coded text helpfully indicates which words are those of Jesus himself and which are those of Ronnie, his dealer and college roommate. Thrill to Ronnies own, lesser-known Sermon on the Mount, wherein he describes how ferociously thy mind shall be riven by this dankity-dank (Book of Ronnie, 4:20). And the last few hundred pages are blank because James Blunt fell asleep! Did someone say rolling papers?$24.99.A HIT O DISNEY(Formerly The Disney Store)

Embracing Greenleafs overall strategy, A Hit O Disney has veered sharply away from its kid-friendly atmosphere, towards a more modern and sophisticated consumer experience. Gone are the overpriced dresses and licensed backpacks, replaced by monitors screening Disney classics round the clock. And thanks to a partnership with neighbors Barnes & Ganja, in-store music is a continuous loop of Pink Floyds seminal Dark Side of the Moon!

SAMPLE PRODUCTS

While A Hit O Disney doesnt actually sell anything, Terry has left a coffee can on the counter, and would appreciate everyone throwing in some singles on their way out.

SPENCERS SPLIFFS (Formerly Spencers Gifts)

Spencers Gifts is a closet-sized phantasmagoria of blacklight posters, lava lamps, fake vomit and things shaped like boobs and dicks. In short, heaven. To find your way to this stoners paradise, just follow the sound of the uncontrollable laughter! Because honestly, if youre Spencers high, the chances of you correctly deciphering a mall directory are about the same as you successfully performing open-heart surgery.

SAMPLE PRODUCTSFlaming A@#hole Spliff Caddy: If youre sick of your spliffs constantly rolling under your seat when youre trying to drive, then this comical dash-mounted spliff caddy may be just what youre looking for. Go ahead, really stuff them in there; he wont mind! The Flaming A@#hole Caddy makes a naughty fart sound when spliffs are removed, and is also available in testicle and boob versions (both of which also make fart noises when spliffs are removed). $7.99.Airzooka:Have you see this shit? Its fucking amazing. Send clouds of Spencers signature PoopVomitHaha marijuana strain rocketing around the room at friends, enemies, or total strangers! The airzooka is lightweight, collapsible, and comes with targeting reticules, flame decals, and an audiobook explaining how to collapse it. $12.99.THE GREENLEAF 1 IMAX THEATER (Formerly The Greenleaf 18)

Until recently, our state-of-the art Imax and 3-D surround-sound digital projection theater featured stadium seating and eighteen screens. Now it's only got one giant screen, all the chairs have been replaced with rugs and love sacs, and since no one can agree on a movie we're just going to watch like a whole season of Ace of Cakes. I'm not sure when or how these events transpired, but my signature's on the order, so I'm standing behind it.

THE APPLE STORE BUT WITH WEED (Formerly The Apple Store)

Fairly similar to the more traditional Apple store, Greenleafs features a spare, open floor plan, few products, a lot of glowing things, and multicolored foam balls scattered around in front of computers loaded with childrens educational games. (Please note: there is generally a two- to three-hour wait for the children's games, so consider making an appointment online before coming in).

Of course, there are other differences as well. For example, an apple can very easily be made into a pipe, and The Apple Store But With Weed has taken steps to address that. And especially discerning consumers may notice that the Genius Bar is staffed entirely by cardboard cutouts, although so far no one has.

SAMPLE PRODUCTSiPot Shuffle: By now, everyone and their mother owns the original iPot, but what about those of us that simply don't need 300 GB of marijuana storage? Introducing the iPot Shuffle: just load a few choice nugs of your favorite strains into the hopper, then take it to the beach, pool, or anywhere else one can surf and tan. The Shuffle does the rest!

Rediscover forgotten favorites and enjoy the classics, all on the go! Its guaranteed to make you wish that the iPot Shuffle played music, which it does not. And at a mere 5.2 lbs. and seven inches across, the Shuffle fits your lifestyle, going with you anywhere youre allowed to wear a pot-smoking device strapped to your neck! Why pass to the leftwhen you can pass to yourself? $99.99.Highpad: Its bright! Its shiny! It wiggles around when you touch it! $299.99 (basic model, no wiggling).iPhone But With Weed: With an all-game App Market, built-in direct line to your nearest dispensary, and USB-compatible retract-o-pipe, the iPhone But With Weed is just like the iPhonebut with weed (in place of internal circuitry)!* $99.99 with two-year service contract.

*May affect reception in some areas.

WHACK SHACK (Formerly Radio Shack)

The best place in the mall to pick up all those little necessities: roach clips, pipe cleaners, rolling papers, even a 2N4401 NPN Switching Transistor! And trust me, if youve never smoked a joint with a 2N4401 NPN Switching Transistor in it, youve never lived. Admittedly, the clerks still dont know how to help you or where anything is in the tiny store, but at least now they have a valid excuse!

LOOEY VITTON (Formerly Louis Vuitton)

Even in the post-legalization future, a certain strata of elite consumer will demand a higher-end product. Welcome to Looey, the very pinnacle of exclusivity and wealth (that can be achieved in a setting thirty yards from a fat lady with a screaming kid on a leash).

SAMPLE PRODUCTSThe LVJ: Though the store only has a single joint for sale, its roughly nine inches long, and rolled in a designer LV print by avant garde Japanese conceptual artist and fashion icon Hiroko Koshino. Carry this smokable with you, and high people everywhere will know that you are capable of achieving a classier and more difinitive high than they could ever imagine. Price available upon request.FOOD HERE! (Formerly Greenleaf Dining Plaza)

The crown jewel in the Greenleaf empire, our ford court is subdivided into four large quadrants, called FOOD LAYERS, which are themselves comprised of several standard-sized food courts scattered over multiple floors. Stop by some of our Greenleaf-exclusive restaurants, like Honeyworx, Munchies, Dennys: Just Appetizers, Munchy's, Muncheez, or Taco Bell: Just Cinnamon Twists!

But the fun doesnt end there! Rather than being housed entirely in a central location, the Greenleaf food court is seamlessly integrated into your shopping day. Enjoy a Mrs. Fields cookie sheet while you take the up escalator (only $1.99 a handful!), or a Godiva gourmet chocolate sampler at literally any time (simply shout Godiva! and a representative will find you).

And remember, every purchase made at the Greenleaf mall comes with a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.