A Guide to Holiday Cocktails Written After Drinking Them All

#5. Christmas Tree Shot


* Creme De Menthe

* Grenadine

* Irish Cream

First Impressions

Well this looks nothing like a Christmas tree. I'm embarrassed for whoever invented this drink. None of the colors are right for Christmas except maybe the grenadine but the shot glass is so tiny and can't stir it around so it just looks like blood floating in milk and oh my god I just scared myself out of drinking this.


Full disclosure. I can't stess enough how much I dislike blood, even when it's just grenadine pretending to be blood. I made a bowl of frosty noggin instead. I'm not sorry. If you're still curious about how the Christmas Tree Shot tasted, it looked like it was probably salty, and thick and like it belonged in a human body. Seriously, don't ever drink it. It's made of insides. Drink a frosty noggin instead, they are outstanding.

#6. Cuppa Good Cheer


* Vodka

* White Creme de Cacao

* Hot Cocoa

* Half 'n Half

* Whip Cream

* Chocolate Shavings

First Impressions

Do not try this drink! It will drop on your floor and shatter everywhere. I have no idea why it's been around so long, it just makes a huge mess. Also, the hot chocolate will take ten minutes just to heat up and during that time you will wonder what the difference is between half 'n half and regular milk and you will drink some, and then you will drink a lot and then you will feel sick. When you finally finish the cocktail and it explodes, you will have to wake up your mom because you don't know where the mops are and she will shake her head and tell you they are in the same place they've always been and you will start to wonder if this house ever actually felt like home.


Hey, have you ever done a whippit with a can of whip cream before? It's amazing. Whippets should really be a holiday thing, they are way better than all this other bullshit. I have to remember tomorrow to build a website for drinking babies and figure out how to make whippets a holiday legacy. Man, Christmas is shaping up to be a busy day.

#7. Wintry Chocolate Mulled Wine


* Red wine

* Brandy

* Cloves

* Cinnamon

* Honey

* Cocoa Powder

* Vanilla

* Eggs

* Butter

* Plain Flower

* Baking Powder

* Dark Chocolate

First Impressions

This looks a lot thicker than any mulled wine I've had before. I don't think it's worth putting in a glass because it would take forever to drink. This is more like a spoon and a mixing bowl type of cocktail. The recipe called for baking time which sounds equally ridiculous so I'm forgoing that step. If you're looking for an added festive touch, try a little whip cream! I did!


It's cake. That's my fault. This is definitely supposed to be a cake. Oh god, I ate/drank a lot of it. Disqualification aside, this was my favorite holiday drink. I highly recommend it, unless it's possible to die from eating a bowl of cake batter. Has anyone ever died from that? I'm pretty sure people get worms from stuff like this. What kills worms? Vodka? I'm going to assume it's vodka. I guess don't try this drink if you don't like worms, or vodka. Otherwise, go for it, probably. God I'm bad at this. I'm so sorry, Jack

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Soren Bowie

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