A big day for pornography in Cuba
If you were in Cuba this weekend, you may have been treated to the sight of happy Cubans proudly buying computers. Here in the real world, where some of us have computers in our shoes and marital aids, the purchase of a new computer might not raise any eyebrows, but in Cuba it qualifies as a very big deal indeed. You see, Cubans haven't been allowed to have personal computers until now. (One can only imagine what primitive technology they use to keep their feet warm or to pleasure their wives with.)
The one snag is that most Cubans still don't have access to the Internet yet - the government has long restricted access. Even if those restrictions were lifted somehow, there's also the small matter of the trade embargo between the US and Cuba - one of the consequences being that we don't ever ship any Internet too them (I don't really understand how the Internet works.)
What I do understand is that computers aren't much fun without the Internet. Sure you've got your word processing and your minesweeper and your disk defragmenter. I guess there's also spreadsheets, but considering that the average monthly income for a Cuban is something like $20, I don't imagine their personal finances are that complicated. Truthfully, computers can get boring pretty quickly. When was the last time you processed some words for fun?
However, given the recent reforms the Cuban government's been implementing, Internet access for Cubans is at least marginally likely in the future. Which means that Cuba might actually become reconnected to the rest of the world soon, and find out what a shit-show we've turned it into. So in preparation for that moment, I've compiled some useful info for any current or future Cuban Internet pioneers (here I'm imagining that when first getting online they'll Google "Holy shit, I'm Cuban and am on the Internet" which will lead them to this page.)
As I see it, the main problem with getting to the Internet twenty years late is that you'll be really far behind on all the Internet meme's that have come and gone, so you won't get any of the references on our T-shirts. Seeing as amusing T-shirts make up something like 5% of the U.S. GDP, this is a pretty serious problem, so to ward off any chances of the demise of our sponsors, below I've cataloged the biggest Internet fads of the last 20 years.
Mouse Balls: If you were on the Internet back in the days when ASCII graphics were cutting edge, you probably saw this fake IBM "mouse balls" memo in your email inbox. To this very day, testicle humor remains the pinnacle of human achievement on the Internet.
Hampster Dance: Audio recordings were mastered over 60 years ago by Vikings, yet to this day, very few sites on the Internet have sound or audio content of any kind. And the reason is this fucking site.
Bert is Evil: One of the first photoshopped gag sites, it taught us some interesting facts about that Sesame Street mainstay, Bert. Hint: He doesn't come off very well.
That Dancing Baby: An early example of 3D graphics, and an effective advertising spokesperson for the vasectomy industry.
Mahir: In 1999, Mahir wanted to have sex with you, and made a webpage about it. At the time this was revolutionary, and as it occurred at the height of the Internet bubble, I believe the site was eventually purchased by Yahoo for $5bn.
All your Base Are Belong To Us: In Japan they don't write English very well, mainly because no-one there reads it. This unlikely confluence of events caused one of the most irritating trends to sweep the Internet.
YTMND: This stands for "You're The Man Now Dawg," which you Cubans probably won't recognize as one of the most tin-eared pieces of dialog to ever be written, and the nadir of Sean Connery's career. This site soon spawned a host of similarly themed pages - including this face melting example.Star Wars Kid: Making fun of dorks being dorks is a little like shooting fish in a barrel. Honestly I always felt bad for this kid, and hope whichever one of his buddies put this video on the Internet lives in constant fear of being beaten to death with a golf ball retriever.
Chuck Norris Facts: This was a site full of made up facts about Chuck Norris, a martial artist who made some hilariously awful movies in the 80's and some just regular awful television in the 90's. No-one knows why he became suddenly popular again a couple years ago, as for the last 10 years he's been coasting on his past success - a notion that radically redefines the meaning of the word "success."
Snakes on a Plane: This was a poorly conceived, poorly executed movie that unexpectedly failed because it was poorly conceived and poorly executed. That it was championed by the Internet probably says something about the business and critical acumen of anonymous imbeciles.
LolCats: This is the current big Internet fad, although hopefully it will be something else by the time I finish typing this sentence.
I hope you enjoyed that, respected Cuban reader. As you're new to the Internet, I'll let you know that if you enjoy an article, it's customary to provide your bank details on this page here.
“Holy shit, I’m Cuban and am on the Internet”
ReplyMierda, soy Cubano y estoy usando el internet.
i just couldnt read the Mahir webpage without imagening Borat citating the words. Maybe Sacha Baron Cohen took the idea from there?
Replyre: Malcador:
ReplyYou do realize that a person referring to themselves or a group to which they belong as being literate doesn't actually qualify as an objective observer, right? I'm not saying you're wrong (though I'm certainly open to the possibility), but it's about as believable as "you should know that I'm a fucking genius".
Secondly, "Kitty Pidgin" as you call it, is not a scientifically accurate idea of how a cat would speak, should it develop vocal chords. As a matter of fact, it's not based on anything, and pretending it is is just a retcon. What - cats would use bad grammar? Maybe they'd somehow pronounce 'hi' as 'hai', and how are they different? Or is that just a half-assed excuse to justify the cutesy misspellings and pretend that they're something other than 'just cute'? Given the predilection for invented homophones, I'm thinking the latter.
Grandiose self-justification aside, it's a series of idiot misspellings, bad grammar and phonetic nonsense that gets repeated by stupid people all over the internet because they think it makes them interesting. "Kitty Pidgin" is to language what South Park is to the ability to think.
I mean, if you want to say that it's harmless fun, that's fine. Have at it. If you want to say that it's cute, then I don't think anyone would complain. Even if you pretend that the people who pop up elsewhere and use it as though it's a legitimate means of communication (wait, if it's a language than perhaps I can get mods to kick those who use it in English-only rooms and boards . . . that's a thought!) are something other than annoying douchebags, that's OK. But stop pretending it's a bold fucking linguistic experiment. We already had one of those, it's called Esperanto. "Kitty Pidgin" is it's overweight, basement-dwelling retarded cousin.
And bear in mind that I'm really giving the benefit of the doubt, there. Because if someone were to pretend that this debacle has any value other than 'a linguistic curiosity', then they may well be dangerously deranged. There is literally no real-world application of this, other than to waste the time of people who might otherwise be able to do something constructive with their time. But that poses in interesting philosophical conundrum: could the sort of person intrigued by LOLcats EVER contribute something of value to society? Hm. An interesting question. I'm going to say 'no'.
i'm pretty sure conan o'brien is partially responsible for bringing chuck norris back into public consciousness. although i must admit taking random walker, texas ranger clips out of context and re-playing them for a national audience is not only hysterical but also genius.
Replyhow could you forget 'Hello My Future Girlfriend'?
ReplyAlso, you can now process some words online with your buddies for fun, thanks to Google Docs! World of Warcraft can suck it.
"...the nadir of Sean Connery’s career."
ReplyDid you SEE League of Extraordinary Gentlemen?
Dick en una caja.
ReplyThere's only one problem, you should have translated that phrase to spanish to make it work.
ReplyPenny Arcade -> "What's this? Video games? What are those?"
ReplyHell, send 'em to 4chan. I can see the headlines now... "Mass suicide in Cuba."
Reply(Fuck rules 1 & 2.)
@malcador
ReplyIt is now my personal calling, no, my mission from GOD ( Or evolutionary duty for the atheists/agnostics) to destroy you in fire. Sorry, I really don't want to do it but jesus raptor fucking christ you have left me with no option.
and vikings
ReplyYou realize we're going to have to brief them on pirates and ninjas now, too. And possibly Maddox.
Replyfark the internet is full of tossers. the fact that "all you base are belong to us" turned into an internet phenomenon really goes to show how many virgins are on the planet.
ReplyAnd it requires a stepladder and an umbrella.
ReplyI think Cuba's internet will be limited to only Cuban sites. The key to keeping the masses okay with their situation in a communist dictatorship is keeping them from realizing how good other countries have.
Replygod help any cubans who get on the *chan
ReplyThe greatest of Internet fads is not listed here, but that's ok... Cubans will discover RickRolling soon enough
ReplyThat dancing baby was hilarious. A good happy follow-up to the psychology experiment article. Just watch it for a while, it's guaranteed to put a smile on your face.
ReplyOK, I'm a little slow... I've only had internet for 4 years. Mahir is the guy that SBC got the idea for Borat from? I see. They could be brothers.
ReplyAlso, Goatse I was familiar with but 2 girls 1 cup...WTF??? Have any of you actually watched that? Someone once told me he would eat a bowl of shit for a million dollars. I suppose if I could raise the money, I could call him on that. And people would watch.
Humans are all fucked up.