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October 31st, 2009 at 5:49 pm
“She still didn’t know that I was an impostor
But she WAS catching on… Lobster.”
GENIUS.
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:17 am
Haha! That’s amazing!
September 18th, 2009 at 11:03 pm
write more childrens books for cracked
July 2nd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Man, how the fuck do you write children’s books?
But the lobster thing was pretty good. And I am going to move out of L.A. because of you.
June 5th, 2009 at 7:09 pm
ok i love the lobster.
Ok and I love DOB
Sorry but its true
April 28th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
this articl scares the fuck out of you when your name is daniel
April 4th, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Ah, sweet, sweet humor.
April 1st, 2009 at 2:38 pm
LMAO, lobster.
March 30th, 2009 at 7:20 am
Do some research through google or yahoo. SE always help.
March 7th, 2009 at 4:13 am
dob. again….. what is the secret to sweet masturbation? do u talk to it gently? “who the penis? U the penis!” do u sprinkle sugar on it? honey? fairy dust? is it fairy dust?! do u do it while looking at candy canes? chocolate bars? cupcakes?
come on man. im tired of rough masturbation… sweet jerking would b a nice change of pace and U have the secret….
February 18th, 2009 at 3:15 pm
I’m in love with you DOB. ._.
Nothing more can be said.
January 15th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
LOBSTER!
January 9th, 2009 at 10:04 pm
hahahahahahahhaahahahaahaha
man, you are too fucking funny.
January 8th, 2009 at 1:15 am
T. James…OMG…
January 2nd, 2009 at 11:16 pm
hmmm and to think that this guy writes children’s books…(nice story poem still)
December 27th, 2008 at 6:25 pm
I thought she’d totally go for it.
…..lobster….
December 27th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
i LOVE this..
lookin forward for more
December 27th, 2008 at 1:51 am
I want a Daniel! shirt.
December 26th, 2008 at 8:15 pm
LOBSTER??!! That has nothing to do with the fucking story!!!
December 24th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I was expecting some turn around lesson like…
“I think you are cute and I’d like to comply,
but its Christmas tonight, and Im not into guys!
You’re s’posed to be jolly like good ole’ St. Nick,
with love in your heart and not in your prick!”
December 24th, 2008 at 6:24 pm
LOBSTER!
December 24th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
You’re so fucking awesome, DOB
December 24th, 2008 at 12:27 am
I am astounded by your brilliance and look forward to additional stalker tips
December 23rd, 2008 at 4:00 pm
‘Twas the night before Xmas, and Julie was sleeping
Her head filled with hope, and her hope, it was keeping
A dream of fulfillment , a dream of bright futures
A dream of less bruises, and fast-healing sutures
Prepare, quiet reader, for a tale of abuse
Xmas Eve is the scene , and dear Julie’s my muse
For a father who drinks is a father who beats
Is a father who isn’t so great and he treats
Both his wife and his kids with both anger and violence
And neither know better; they’re forced into silence
Before you stop reading, and think I’m demented
Just know that quite well in advance I repented
For writing a holiday poem with this theme
And to all you outsiders, I guess it could seem
That most normal people, when crafting their poems
Be the topic true love, or perhaps garden gnomes
They might shy away from, say, violence and incest
(But there’s a small chance I’m not normal, I guess)
So night after night, month to month, year to year
Every Xmas is filled in this house with less cheer
Since bruises don’t go well with overcooked ham
Or drunken stepfathers yelling, “Woman, goddamn!
You’re as good as a cook as at being a bitch
So congrats, you old hag; being dumb is your niche!
‘Cause this ham is as tasty as Cooper’s wet farts
Yes, at fucking up food you’ve perfected the art”
(Yes the language is crass but I’m just being real
Here’s a father whose figure is less than ideal
And Cooper’s the dog, he’s a spaniel/lab mix
Who still does leg-humping - he’s never been fixed)
But back to dear Julie, all snug in her bed
With dreams of less beatings and stuff in her head
Alas, this dear girl was too much optimistic
Her father: abusive and often sadistic
And so as the clock did strike twelve and oh one
The door to her room did creak open, and none
Of her holiday wishes, it seems, would come true
Since she knew what her drunken stepfather would do
With a glint in his eye and Bud Light on his breath
(with a hint, she suspected, of cold crystal meth)
Her stepfather sneaked in with a condom in hand
Merry Christmas indeed; Trojan, yes, was the brand
So dear Julie did brace, as she heard the door creak
For the same dose of daddy she dealt with last week
But just as she heard the condom package rip
(As she wished for some codeine or brief morphine drip)
The window smashed open, and what was the cause?
I’ll tell you what, dude: it was old Santa Clause!
“Ho, ho indeed,” bellowed Santa. “You tool!
I see all that occurs, and I’m nobody’s fool!
It’s the eve of the Xmas, and you’ve got the balls
For more molestation? Dear Christ, you’ve got gaul!
You’re a jerk, to be frank, and I think you know well
That I came here tonight just to send you to Hell
My dear Julie, of course, I do ask your permission
To take this here jerkwad right out of commission!”
“But of course,” replied Julie, so quick and so clever
“I think that you’ll make this the best Christmas ever!
Oh Santa, you’re awesome! So let’s just join forces
And make the whole evening as good as divorce is!”
With that our good Santa pulled a knife from his boot
(He had also brought with him a cake made of fruit)
“I’ve presents to give, but you friggin’ nerf herder
What this Christmas needs is a good dose of murder!
You like to chug beer? How about your own blood?
When I’m through you might think that you’re not such a stud!”
And with that, I’m afraid, some real violence ensued
Even worse than a view of a nude Donahue
It seems our dear Santa is into castration
And bowel removal (and slight masturbation)
When Santa was done, he cleaned up the whole mess
Asking Julie, “I’m violent, but charming, though, yes?”
“I’ll say,” replied Julie. “In short, you’re my hero
Since most lavish killings cost mucho dinero.”
“You’re welcome, “ said Santa. “This is a good start
Now please, my dear girl, shall we both eat his heart?”
“How delightful!” said Julie. “I’ll get the hot sauce
And this turns me on more than a naked Kate Moss!”
Now I know that this story is violent [and dark]
But it takes place in Maine, in a small trailer park
Merry Christmas to all! Oh, and here’s the poem’s moral:
If you’re that into incest, then just stick to oral
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:07 pm
Yep!!!Now comes Night Before Christmas 3:Christmas in the Big House!!
December 19th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
fucking awesome. i love you, dob.
December 19th, 2008 at 12:12 pm
That… was… amazing… You came up with some amazing rhymes in there!
Lobster… haha…
December 17th, 2008 at 2:55 am
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December 16th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
i mean DOB. sorry.
December 16th, 2008 at 4:34 pm
DOD is the only white dude I know who can correctly use ebonics.
December 16th, 2008 at 10:30 am
DOB is poetry…
December 15th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
wow. brilliant. youre so funny.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I wouldn’t have turned him down.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:04 am
lmao lobster
December 14th, 2008 at 6:38 pm
I think you’re wasting your time on Cracked Dan. You should probably investigate setting up a charm school for perverts; quite the untapped market there.
And is the story an ode to your first date with ‘wife’ Maureen? What a great story to tell your kids some day, im jealous.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
@ lbh, Yeah, but I’m here to entertain mostly myself anyway.
@ DP13, Speaking as a person who’s real initials are an acronym for something obscene maybe you should change your tag. At least you’re not stuck with double penetration 13 times like I am my name.
December 14th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Res_Ipsa: for probably the 50th time, it stands for DeathPenguin 13 (gamertag, if you care).
December 14th, 2008 at 10:16 am
Blogster?
nope. not as funny.
December 14th, 2008 at 10:01 am
glendoor: You realize that pun was wasted on most of the youngsters here, don’t you?
December 14th, 2008 at 9:45 am
If you want an actual rhyme for imposter, how about, “She was catching on, I had little time to accost her”?
December 14th, 2008 at 7:11 am
Such a cuttie. His photos were seen at milllionaire persoanals site ——R i c h R o m a n c e s .c o m—- / last week. It is said he is already in relationship with a young beautiful woman on that site now. ?
December 14th, 2008 at 3:55 am
Well, Mr O’Brien, your mini biography at the end is bullshit but I respect your rhyme for impostor.
Glendoor, all this “he knows when you’re awake” business is slightly creepy. Just though you’d like to know!
December 14th, 2008 at 3:27 am
lobster. genius.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:38 am
lobster!
and I think Maureen, the chick in the story not your wife, is mentally retarded.
December 14th, 2008 at 2:03 am
lawls
December 14th, 2008 at 12:59 am
Actually, the shallow and pedantic line was just a Family Guy quote.
And why does it say Daniel created the Harry Potter series?
December 14th, 2008 at 12:18 am
“SQUEALLY DAN!” AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Glendoor remains my favorite writer on Cracked.
December 13th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
@ Qoui, Yes Dan knows someone who has been assaulted by a man, himself.
Didn’t you see the last picture in the article. From what I’ve heard he was quite the prison bitch. His prison bitch name was Squeally Dan.
December 13th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
@Suit: I think Pseudointelectual’s “…I found it rather shallow and pedantic.” line was meant to mock PDFrick’s snooty comment, not agree with it.
Cut him a little slack. The poor fella has been good all year with the hope that Santa will put an extra “L” and a capital “I” in his stocking so he’ll be able to spell his name correctly*.
*Sorry…. couldn’t resist. Glass houses…I know.
December 13th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
it brings a whole new meaning to “oh come all ye faithful” doesnt it?
December 13th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
To Quoi, et al., I repeat myself:
Have you ever been to this site? Seriously, if you don’t like it . . . leave. Neither trolling nor being offended by something you chose to see is anything but annoying. (If my grammar is off, I’m blaming the massive doses of DayQuil.)
December 13th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
LOL danny boy you are a genius
this is deffo one of the funniest things i’ve read on cracked!
wanna climb down my chimney this xmas??
December 13th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
YEAH, hot. But you know what’s really hot. Pictures of me naked. Click me name. I just want you to see me.
December 13th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
“But how do you masturbate sweetly?
With visions of sugar plums dancing in your head.
Or really nice temperamented naked chicks dancing in your head or something like that.
December 13th, 2008 at 2:43 pm
But how do you masturbate sweetly?
December 13th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
Better than I expected. I laughed.
Lobster great.
December 13th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Most disturbing shit I’ve seen in a long time. Good work.
December 13th, 2008 at 11:18 am
That van was bitchin’.
December 13th, 2008 at 9:12 am
I admit that was great - especially “lobster”
December 13th, 2008 at 8:45 am
-”A Christmas story you can masturbate too…finally!”
Yes, and what lucky timing! If this story had happened just a day or two earlier, it would be sickening pedophilia.
December 13th, 2008 at 7:58 am
I approve.
December 13th, 2008 at 6:39 am
the Dan Dan Revolution delivers again!
hilarious, keep up the good work.
December 13th, 2008 at 6:29 am
Did you ever posted your profile on a celebrity and millionaire dating site called—- http:U k w e a l t h y m e n.c o m —-I saw your profile there few weeks
ago. &&&&
December 13th, 2008 at 6:02 am
Such a cuttie. His photos were seen at milllionaire persoanals site … U k w e a l t h y m e n.com— … last week. It is said he is already in relationship with a young beautiful woman on that site now. ?
December 13th, 2008 at 5:48 am
Hilarious!
December 13th, 2008 at 5:40 am
“AtomicSpike Says:
December 12th, 2008 at 9:52 am
A Christmas story you can masturbate too…finally! Can’t wait for the movie.”
You’ve obviously never seen It’s a Wonderful Life
December 13th, 2008 at 4:43 am
You people lay off of Dan, it’s not nice to pick on special needs people.
Don’t worry Dan I got your back little buddy.
December 13th, 2008 at 2:46 am
Well that lasted far too long to be funny, and if there really is an 18 year old that stupid, I doubt she would’ve raised her suspicions at taking her top off. Moronic girls and nudity seem to go hand in hand.
Nicely drawn, but I think I lost a few braincells reading it..
December 13th, 2008 at 2:31 am
your fans all over the world will miss you. Rest in peace! I just find you on the celeb and
millionaire dating site
-http:U k w e a l t h y m e n.c o m==and he have a chat with you
there.
December 13th, 2008 at 2:28 am
Daniel, I love you. I’ve been wanting to tell you for months now, but this puts it over the top. That was hilarious.
“So I followed you home, slowly, discreetly,
And hid in your closet, masturbating sweetly.”
HA!
December 13th, 2008 at 2:15 am
Quoi, Don’t be so quick to underestimate Dan. His garbagman’s sister’s college roomate’s mother’s hairdresser’s next door neighbor’s chihuahua was once sexually assaulted by a parrot wearing lederhosen and a top hat.
He knows all to well the horrors of sexual assault….
December 13th, 2008 at 1:58 am
awesome!
December 13th, 2008 at 1:39 am
Wow, a “funny” story about sexual assault. Rape culture at its “finest”. Good job, Daniel; apparently you have never had anyone close to you assaulted by a man.
December 13th, 2008 at 12:12 am
****oh i get it you suck so you made it suck on purpose that way it would be funny llollololollloloooololollolololl suck is funny ha how about some more suck everyone omgbbqroflcopter ^^
December 13th, 2008 at 12:10 am
omgzz suxxx
December 13th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Freakin hilarious.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:28 pm
i am 14, so i thurogly enjoyed it
December 12th, 2008 at 11:09 pm
[...] ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas 2: Christmasturbation | Cracked.com Wow… [...]
December 12th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Pseudointelectual Says:
December 12th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
“Hmmm I found it rather shallow and pedantic. He says jacking off his childlike penis to national geographic, saving the jism for his tea.”
Judging by this, it seems as if you’re agreeing with PDFrick, so you might want to reword your comment, and MAYBE go back to the third grade. Thanks.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:32 pm
PDFrick Says:
December 12th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
That was pathetic and puerile. What a waste of space on the net.
Hmmm I found it rather shallow and pedantic. He says jacking off his childlike penis to national geographic, saving the jism for his tea.
There is no space on the net Dr. Dickhole. You shouldnt be looking at Cracked much less taking the time to post your pseudo-intellectual bullshit, what with your medical research involving “male enhancement”. Now is that for your benefit or the 12 year old Asian boytoy you’ve been “teaching to play the viola”
December 12th, 2008 at 10:05 pm
I was laughing so hard my 11 year old ran into the room to ask, “What’s so funny Mom?”.
“Lobster! hahahahaha! Er, nothing Honey.” (quick screen switch to homepage)
December 12th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
Pyx . . . and PDFrick . . . have you ever been to this site before?
DP13–Really, when I see your name, all I can ever think is “Double Penetration” . . . 13 times.
D.O’B.–was Gladstone your inspiration for Dumbledor? (Or however you spell it.) They’re both old, befuddled, and into bewitching young boys. The resemblance is uncanny.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Verrrry funny. But shtill shtupid!
December 12th, 2008 at 9:35 pm
I wish I had that minute of my life back.
How was this funny to anyone? I’m not expecting brilliant and thought provoking on f*ing cracked.com, but it’s should be, at least, better then grown men who try to write 14 year old boy humor.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
If Cracked isn’t already paying DOB shitloads more than the other bloggers, they should be.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
Awesome line about the lobster…
December 12th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
I am happy with this.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:46 pm
I don’t normally comment on the articles, but this was unreal. Had me in stitches for the entire thing.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
OMFG tht shit is tight!
December 12th, 2008 at 8:10 pm
This is absolutely, no doubt there, f***ing fantastic
December 12th, 2008 at 7:39 pm
The Cracked.com store should totally sell those “Daniel!” shirts/van decals. I would definitely buy one.
December 12th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
i liekd it…. bonus for saying “them titties”
December 12th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
absolute cunt worthy poem. i would gut you punk
December 12th, 2008 at 7:16 pm
fucking retarded…big fucking deal
December 12th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
Allright, you win this round O’Brien, Damn ……Wow….. calling me Gladstone. I thought you and I were pals……Geessh.
December 12th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
TWAT THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
December 12th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
Not enough boobs
December 12th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
*Brien* sorry
December 12th, 2008 at 6:50 pm
you’re my hero Dan O’Brian
December 12th, 2008 at 6:19 pm
That was the day we met. love you honey!
December 12th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
That was great. I’m sure we all also appreciate your work on Harry Potter too.
December 12th, 2008 at 6:03 pm
That was pathetic and puerile. What a waste of space on the net.
December 12th, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Gladstone, quit posting under the name Glendoor to praise Gladstone.
December 12th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
Dan quit posting under the name Jim to get people to be your facebook friend. At least Gladstone had the guts to pander for fake internet friends with his real name.
December 12th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
That was funny even though not all of it made sense.
Lobster???
http://susanimate.spaces.live.com
December 12th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
O’Brien, you are a genius.
December 12th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Very funny!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
Awesome
December 12th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
“Still she didn’t know that I was an imposter
But she was catching on… lobster”
Simply amazing. Keep up the good work DOB!
December 12th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
DOB, you currently have twice as many facebook fans as the Colorado Crush! Congrats!
Become DOB’s fan:
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Daniel-OBrien/45034426016?ref=ts
December 12th, 2008 at 5:04 pm
Wow, that is some pretty cool stuff dude! for sure!
jess
http://www.anonymize.us.tc
December 12th, 2008 at 4:13 pm
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December 12th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
Baby Jesus just cried…… and now hes pissed
http://www.babyjesuswillfuckupurshit.com
December 12th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
I found that to be quite retarded. Who is the girl in the pictures?
December 12th, 2008 at 3:44 pm
best thing I read all day!
fucking funny man
December 12th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
I agree with topramen.
About your articles being the reason I keep coming back.
As far as this not being hilarious, I disagree with Toppy there.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Bravo!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
That was awesome. Lex can suck my dick.
DOB that was great.
Let me know what the bail is
and well pass round a plate,
For money to get your ass out of jail,
for there are women to fuck,
And bitches to nail.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
That was fucking hysterical, hahaha.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
I’m imagining that i have a few people at work thinking that I’ve gone nuts from laughing at this. If it wasn’t for my boobs jiggling i may have scared the men folk away.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Lame
December 12th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I always thought <3 was a nutsack.
December 12th, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Holy shit! Just… holy shit.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
I’m going to fuck your wife, DOB. I already came 10x just thinking about it. Hard.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
@average genius
Nipple color? Really? Is that what its come to with you kids these days?
I remember the days and simplicity of a/s/l…
December 12th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
lobster ftw
December 12th, 2008 at 2:30 pm
Dear Rosey,
The only one home right now is my dog. I am ok with the masturbation, but please leave him a virgin. Unless he asks for it. Sometimes he does that.
Love,
Tori
December 12th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
OMG I laughed my ass off at the lobster line
December 12th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
to all the ladies reading cracked(underage girls too)
please state your current age,weight,hair color,clothing,breast size,nipple color,facial structure
your input will greatly be appreciated, thank you
December 12th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
This is epic.
December 12th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
That was AWESOME. You should make a book out of that. I’ll read it to my kids one day.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:49 pm
You are a sick mofo…
December 12th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
no xmas poem is complete without lobster….or stalking. or masturbation. fuck, my childhood sucked.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
He could have tried something like Jodi Foster.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Thank you, D.O’B. Thank you. If I’m ever cursed with kids, I shall read that to them every Christmas. Instant classic.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
Lobster? really cracked? You couldn’t come up with a better rhyme then impostor-lobster?
December 12th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
thats jokes man …. but I wish you didnt pick the name Maureen thats my moms name lmao
December 12th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
Daniel, you rule!
December 12th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Tori, you don’t know how right you are about that.*masturbating in your closet right now*
December 12th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
Haha that was great.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Your articles are probably the reason I keep reading this site. Consistently funny and often hilarious. This one was funny, but not hilarious, if you were wondering.
December 12th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
Wow no haters. Wait, am I on Cracked? Because that has to be a first. Maybe everyone here just really likes to masturbate in people’s closets.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
“she still didn’t know i was an imposter.
but she was catching on… lobster.”
instant classic.
DOB, you’ve done it again.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:41 pm
lobster
December 12th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
As usual, Dan makes the sweetest jokes.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:34 pm
Does the title indicate that this is the second installment of the Night Before Christmas, or is the the night before second Christmas?
I have that same t-shirt!
December 12th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
hahaha that was great, and it was consistently funny…
lol @
“she worked 9-5, at American Eagle
and she just turned 18, which is good (meaning legal)”
December 12th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
I don’t know if it was the use of the word ‘lobster’ that completely got me…the clip art really brought it all together.
And Maureen isn’t very keen if she thought you were Santa while you were wearing a shirt and drove a van that exclaimed ‘Daniel’.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
This is so funny… It isn’t just silly, it’s like a satire of some kind… And the “best known as the creator of the Harry Potter fantasy series” is just hilarious… I know you ain’t that… Though I don’t know if you actually do have a wife named Maureen and that, but I’d guess you don’t write children’s books anyway
December 12th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen this year1
December 12th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
This was hilarious. Well done.
December 12th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
HILARIOUS!
7 christmas stars out of 5, great job DOB!!!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 11:57 am
AHAHAHAHA!!! the new holiday classic!!!
thanks, DOB.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:56 am
why didn’t my mom read me THIS story on christmas? the other christmas stories are so played out.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:56 am
@A Bunch of You-
So ‘lobster’ really landed, huh? Man, I almost didn’t even include that. Terrific.
@Glendoor-
Clone Santa.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:46 am
SANTA IS NOT DEAD YOU MIDGET JACKASS!!!!!!
(Lobster hahahahahahahahahaha)
December 12th, 2008 at 11:45 am
Daniel you can wank in my bedroom whenever you want.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Fans of Dan O’Brien, unite!
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#/pages/Daniel-OBrien/45034426016?ref=ts
December 12th, 2008 at 11:44 am
Great work DOB. I wish all sex predators had their names on the shirts/van.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:42 am
Cheers, DOB. Great parody.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:39 am
It was a little rough around the edges, but it was funny and the abrupt ending was the best part.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:36 am
Sorry DOB, I masturbated to Maureen too, dawg!
December 12th, 2008 at 11:34 am
classic. if only disney would make a christmas movie based on this.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:14 am
I fuckin love DOB
too bad about the sad ending.
December 12th, 2008 at 11:06 am
Lobster!? BWAAAAA HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . . .
December 12th, 2008 at 10:57 am
“But she was catching on…lobster”
hilarious. absolutely hilarious. my future children and i will recite this every holiday.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:39 am
That was some good Christmas cheer. That’s some tight writing and rhyming.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I have got to stop reading DOB articles at work. Mostly because I will start laughing hysterically and get a few people wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. Also, the content may be considered questionable for viewing in an office setting.
That said…good writing DOB, greatest Christmas poem I’ve read in ages!
December 12th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I wish my wardrobe coordinated with my motor vehicles!!
December 12th, 2008 at 10:35 am
@Senor Taco
I like how he’s wearing his name on his sex predator van.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:28 am
Screw monkeys, lobsters make everything funnier.
Well-done, DOB.
December 12th, 2008 at 10:03 am
I like how he’s wearing his name on his T-shirt.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Somewhere, Andrew Dice Clay is rolling in his grave.
I’m assuming, of course, that he is dead.
If he’s not dead, then just…why not? What gives that guy a reason to get up in the morning?
December 12th, 2008 at 9:55 am
Oh no, average genius, Cracked is for the ladies as well. This shit is funny!
The lobster line got me. That was brilliant.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:52 am
A Christmas story you can masturbate too…finally! Can’t wait for the movie.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:46 am
@Ramen King: “I’m sure you’re quite aware of this, DOB, but Christmasturbation can read as Christ masturbation”
Strangely I got the line “let Jesus fuck you” in my head when I read that…
December 12th, 2008 at 9:34 am
well done, dan, well done
you have elevated yourself from a mediocre writer to a slightly more tolerable comedy writer
i laughed, i masturbated to the girl(yes she was kinda cute)
although it was creepy , i thought you were gonna end it by masturbating on her
cracked is definately not for the ladies thats for sure, oh wait i see a female member of the species posting, hmmmmm
December 12th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Love it, happy christmas dan!
December 12th, 2008 at 9:29 am
I’m sure you’re quite aware of this, DOB, but Christmasturbation can read as Christ masturbation. As in Jesus. As in, you’re probably going to get a couple angry perverts who stumble on this article looking for something very - well, not that very - different.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:29 am
Friggin’ awesome.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:27 am
The lobster line, awesome.
This will be the grownup version for this year’s Christmas celebration!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 9:25 am
I’ve been on Cracked dozens of times
But never have i found such sinful rhymes
This is the best i’ve seen on Cracked YET
It only gets better, I’ve laid a BET!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 9:21 am
this may be the most amazing christmas story EVER.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:20 am
‘But she was catching on…lobster’. Classic
December 12th, 2008 at 9:19 am
No, Zac, just don’t.
Thank you, DOB. I feel all festive.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:16 am
AWESOME!!!
December 12th, 2008 at 9:15 am
<3 DoB
December 12th, 2008 at 9:15 am
Oh gawd. I lol’d.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:14 am
Ho-ho-hilarious!
December 12th, 2008 at 9:10 am
That is hilarious, greatest Christmas poem ever.
December 12th, 2008 at 9:07 am
Nice stuff, we getting any more poems, or is this a once-off?
December 12th, 2008 at 9:04 am
This is something I wrote a few days ago. Seems applicable :).
Twas the night when I came
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
My stockings were on, by the chimney I dare,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And me with my dildo, cause dad felt like crap,
He had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see whats the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore off my clothes while I fingered my gash.
A hand on my breast caused my nipples to grow
And gave me the feeling of a climax below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver, so lively, so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
“Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
Tingling, glistening, and far from dry, I let out a sigh
Hoping St. Nicholas would mount me up high,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney he came, he came in bound.
He was dressed in all fur, from his head to his feet,
He told me nice ass and now please take a seat,
{{{A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.}}}
His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his cock like a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn like a bow,
And the pubes of his mound were as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, but needed his dick to myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his cock,
Soon let me to know I absolutely had nothing to mock;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled me with meat; then turned with a jerk,
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up my poo pipe he rose;
He sprang with a force, about to cum,
And away he went, blowing a load in my bum;
But I heard him exclaim, while he flew out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to you, and to you a good-night.”
December 12th, 2008 at 9:02 am
Spectacular haha! I loved the lobster line…
December 12th, 2008 at 8:59 am
I liked the lobster.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:57 am
At first I thought, “Wait, he’s British? I did not know tha- oh.”
I feel like DOB has taken advantage of my brief ignorance again.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:56 am
excellent, brilliant
December 12th, 2008 at 8:54 am
Why did the van have his name on it too! Funny stuff!!
December 12th, 2008 at 8:52 am
ummm…lobster!
December 12th, 2008 at 8:51 am
Fear not DOB. I’ll bail you out.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:50 am
“Lobster” actually made me laugh out loud.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:48 am
Absolutely beautiful.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:42 am
I’ve been struck by the elf of Christmas spirit!
All thanks to you DOB.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:41 am
“oh, and FIRST or some shit like that”
Thats got to be embarrassing.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:29 am
There is something that doesn’t fit… I never thought you were a dog person DOB 0_o.
Also, great article, when I saw the title in the front page I laughed also, lmao, lobster.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:08 am
oh, and FIRST or some shit like that
December 12th, 2008 at 8:08 am
Daniel,
Well done.
December 12th, 2008 at 8:05 am
Lol. Creator of the Harry Potter series? Prove it then. XD