In a couple weeks the film 2012 will be released, and with its promise of big budget special effect laden scenes of mass destruction, and John Cusack moodily blundering his way through relationships while listening to indie hits form the 80s, movie nerds are creaming their saggy, unfashionable pants in anticipation. Alongside that, talks about doomsday prophecies have also reached a fever pitch, particularly those that relate to the so called 2012 apocalypse.
Apocalyptic warnings have always been attractive to a certain type of person–bearded men without jobs primarily–and now that a lot more people are unemployed (and presumably bearded), anticipation of a world where our credit card debts have been wiped clean by a horrible calamity is building. What’s a couple billion dead if it gets Citibank off your ass, right? So, to see if there was any truth behind this 2012 phenomena, and track down where it originates from and what it could mean, I interviewed some of the leading specialists on history, science and new age studies from around the world.
___
The Mayan Calendar
According to Dr. Jorge Estrada, an Archaeologist from the University of Caba and an expert on Mayan an Olmec studies, the Mayans used a cyclical calendar, where every 144,000 days (approximately 400 years) constituted a unit called a “baktun.” Several Mayan records warn that after 13 baktuns have elapsed from year 0, “something” would happen. What that “something” entails is far from clear. Inscriptions seem to indicate that after the 13th baktun elapses, “Black… will occur” followed by the descent of “Bolon Yookte K’uh.” Who or what a Bolon Yookte K’uh is–aside from a terrible name for a baby girl–is at this point unclear. Inscriptions found elsewhere describe Bolon as a god of war, conflict or the underworld.
Artist’s representation of Bolon Yookte K’uh.
So, to date the arrival of the apocalypse, we have to do a little math. Because the Mayans never heard about all the good work Jesus did, their year 0 is a little different than ours, and when that’s taken into account, the 13th baktun is supposed to elapse on December 21 or 23, 2012. Great. Because the holiday season isn’t stressful enough.
“I swear to God, I wish a tidal wave kills your parents.”
Dr. Estrada doesn’t put a lot of stock in the doomsday scenarios, but during our conversation, he did begin talking very excitedly about some new inscriptions he’d uncovered recently that shed some light on Bolon Yookte K’uh. His translation hasn’t been published or peer-reviewed yet, so take it with a grain of salt. The inscription appears to tell a story of Bolon Yookte K’uh meeting a “man-boy from the land of sparks and whispers.” This half-man apparently confronts Bolon Yookte K’uh on the day of reckoning. After that point, the inscription is badly damaged, and little else after that is legible, except for a glyph meaning “terrible violation.”
___
Timewave Zero & the I Ching
Timewave Zero is a theory once proposed by a man called Terence McKenna. McKenna believed that the universe has a sort of interconnectedness which ebbs and flows over time. Ultimately this “timewave” will reach a crescendo, at which point shit will go down. The exact nature of the shit is uncertain, though from his studies of the ancient Chinese text the I Ching, and a computer program of his own invention, McKenna believed that it would happen in late 2012. It’s worth pointing out here that McKenna’s theories have been criticized on the basis that he had never, at all during his life, not been on drugs.
Press F3 to invert polarity of horseshit.
Still, his theories have been taken up by others, and I managed to speak to one of them. Daryl Kilsman of Santa Cruz is an expert teleologician, which is a word I think he made up right on the spot. I also feel it’s worth pointing out that I’m pretty sure I could actually smell this man over the phone. Kilsman has refined McKenna’s work, and by converting the output from McKenna’s Timewave program into a series of I Ching hexagrams, like some sort of Ouroboros of bullshit, he claims to have found another message. This message, told in the maddeningly vague manner of all I Ching prophecies, simply states the following phrases “Purveyor of cracked scrolls,” “Heaven Beast,” “Danger” and “Great Humbling Penetration.” Kilsman offered to share his interpretation of this with me, but by that point I had set the phone down to get some fresh air.
___
Geomagnetic Reversal
Geomagnetic reversal is a term used to describe an event where the Earth’s magnetic poles will flip over. There’s geological evidence to suggest this has happened multiple times in the past, and that it is in fact long overdue. There’s absolutely nothing to tie geomagnetic reversal to the year 2012 however, and whether such an event would be apocalyptic or merely a nuisance is again, completely unknown.
Because no one of any repute at all will talk about this, I decided to take a compass, a globe and $33 to Madam Shandra, an “Attuned Plane Walker” and “Experienced Masseuse” whose flier ended up in my hands while researching an unrelated project. Madam Shandra greeted me warmly, and after I explained who I was and showed her I did in fact have the money, she seemed eager to help.
After dimming the lights, Shandra consulted her astral companion from the Ninth Plane, Toby. Together they confirmed that there was nothing to be concerned of: the Earth’s magnetic field was fine, and would be for another 10,000 years. However, as I was handing over the cash, Shandra seized upon my palm, very excited by a scar that I’d had since childhood. According to her and Toby, this mark implied that I was a child of destiny, fated to lead mankind during its darkest hour. When I inquired for more information, she told me that my complete fate could only be unlocked in the course of a special $45 massage.
___
Galactic Alignment
The principle behind this theory is that due to a slight wobble in the Earth’s axis of rotation, the position of constellations in the night sky will shift slowly over a 26,000 year cycle. And, at or around the end of the 20th century, the constellation that rises during the winter solstice is Sagittarius, which happens to be the constellation hanging over the center of the galaxy. Lunatics have proposed that galactic energy will be beamed directly to Earth during this alignment. And, seeing that 2012 is close to the end of the 20th century, it would seem proponents of this theory have decided to climb aboard the 2012 bandwagon of crazy.
I couldn’t find any supporters of this theory willing to go on record; although someone in a related newsgroup did ask me to “STOP LEAKING BRAIN ZETA PROSPECTS OVER THE TORUS.” Browsing said newsgroup though, it seems these people claim the Mayans were aware of the cycles of axial precession when they devised their calendar. They even point out the existence of Mayan symbols like the Hunab Ku, which depicts a spiral pattern that could be a galaxy, and the Kwantk Phnag sequence, which they claim to be a representation of the apocalypse. This sequence depicts the Hunab Ku lined up above a temple, where priest/astronomers watch as a large bear forcibly has sex with a man.
___
Nibiru Collision
This is where we find the real cask-strength crazy. Extra terrestrials have supposedly been sending zeta waves to receptive individuals on Earth, warning that a rogue planet called Nibiru would soon arrive in the solar system, wreaking havoc. Whether it collides with Earth or merely rips us apart via tidal forces is unknown, possibly because it’s completely, completely made up.
I traveled to the University of Portland, where I spoke with Dr. Jennifer Feits, who studies people who have claimed to be contacted by extra terrestrials. Feits explained how these stories become self reinforcing as they spread throughout the community. Susceptible individuals will hear a story, then realize/claim they had a similar experience themselves. Basically these people feed off each other, their shared fictions seeming to give further proof that there’s some truth they’re peering in on. In her research, Feits has gone to some length to isolate such individuals, to see if their stories matched up when kept independent of one another. And in all cases but one, they never did.
The anomalous story was an interesting one. Several people have all independently told a vivid story of a an emissary from Nibiru, who for all intents and purposes looked like a grizzly bear, and answers to the name Balon. Balon travels to Earth, where he randomly selects a representative for the planet. This one is described as a foolish and vain man with thin arms. During their meeting, the representative angers the great space bear with his terrible manners and sweaty neck. At this point the space bear vigorously molests the representative in front of the whole world’s press and dignitaries. “Everyone felt very embarrassed for this pathetic figure,” Dr. Feits said, looking at me curiously. “Apparently he did not comport himself very well, either as a representative of humankind, or even as a man. Lots of weeping and wailing,” she concluded, grabbing one of my arms and squeezing it experimentally. After I wriggled out of her grasp, she continued her story with a shrug. “Anyways, after that Balon decides that the people of Earth are too pathetic to even be worth destroying. He returns to Nibiru and the planet continues on its way, leaving humanity alive and unharmed.”
“And, uh, what happened to the Earth’s representative?” I asked.
Dr. Feits looked at me blankly. “Who cares?”
____
As you can see, the threat of a disaster in the year 2012 is both real and too great to ignore. I encourage all loyal readers to donate thousands of dollars every day to the Prevent-Space-Bear-Rape-Fund, which will provide funding for protein shakes, free weights and Krav Maga lessons for the Earth’s representative as soon as he steps forward, along with $45 massages for the administrator of the plan, who, until further notice, will be me.
___
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November 12th, 2009 at 6:00 pm
Sara, the same could be said of literally any time, any day. Since there is quite literally no a priori or a posteriori proof of the dangers of 2012, why even bother dignifying this nonsense with even a vague apprehension of the date? More people will die between now and 2012 of the exact same -REAL- things people are and have been dying of since time immemorial than will die on the 21st December 2012. I’d gladly stake everything I have on that.
November 11th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
@sranimator- I for one second that notion.
November 11th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
Apocalypse will come in 2012
In the large dark room of sticky floors
costly butterful popcorn is plentiful
Later, the angry otter stabs the walmart shopper
-Nostradamus, third quatrain Liber 187
November 10th, 2009 at 8:06 am
Sara, I’d have to agree with a 2012 party! It’d be so badass to have a party in some mayan ruins in Mexico or something.
November 10th, 2009 at 5:11 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZi–F_uqgQ
November 9th, 2009 at 6:41 am
a friend and i decided years ago that we must have a Dec 21, 2012 party: either we all die having a good time, or the world won’t end and the party can continue. win-win
November 7th, 2009 at 3:41 pm
I, for one, welcome our new bear rape overlords
November 6th, 2009 at 1:34 pm
Check out the Nibiru-stuff from Gorilla199:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl0DoVPk_ZQ
A real genius?
November 6th, 2009 at 5:42 am
I found this article quite hilarious. Sarcasm, stating the obvious…
Absolutely brilliant.
November 6th, 2009 at 3:12 am
@Sheyon
LMAO…made my day. Also, can I choose what flavor protein shakes I get if I become the Representative ? Coz’ I really don’t want the flavor that there’s most of, which will probably be some crappy vanilla. Can the money possibly be funded to creating more of my preferred flavor? This isn’t going to be worth it if I can’t choose my own flavor.
November 6th, 2009 at 1:37 am
Check out this shit, my new girlfriend is part of a doomsday cult, she’s the most insane person i’ve ever met. Literally everything is a conspiracy against us the brainwashed masses.
http://whitelotusunion.blogspot.com/2009_09_01_archive.html
November 6th, 2009 at 12:19 am
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=174977377582&v=wall&ref=nf
November 5th, 2009 at 5:33 pm
@YahUnHuhSure: wtf?
November 5th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Ok i thin that this is stupied
Look im gay and i curse god all the time and hope that he forgives me but i do it because i dont think that he could love me for loveing women and i dont want to change that and i know that that is were i am wrong and i really hope that he forgives me i do try to make up for it every other way possibley but only he knows when its gonna be the last day were not promised a hour from now unlike with peole how we make promises and know that we will stick to them…
November 5th, 2009 at 3:21 pm
I’m all for bashing 2012 tards, but this article is just not very good. Come on Chris, you’re better than that.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
you know 2012 is in the 21st century, not the 20th.
November 5th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
the calendar i have ends december 31, 2009… shit…
November 5th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
[...] Why We Should Be Terrified of the 2012 Apocalypse (Cracked) :2012, Apocalypse, End Of World [...]
November 5th, 2009 at 6:14 am
I hope everything does end in 2012. That way, I can punch all you stupid fuckers in the throat in the next reality, whatever that may be. You are all stupid assclowns that wish you could see your mother naked again so you have new wanking material.
In conclusion, you are all bitches, just like your moms!
November 5th, 2009 at 4:10 am
ima make a facebook group for the prevent-space-bear-rape-fund
November 5th, 2009 at 4:08 am
[...] So why should we be terrified? Find out here. [...]
November 5th, 2009 at 3:21 am
How many times… IT’S NOT THE MAYANS!!!!!!!! THE MAYANS WERE ALL DEAD BY THE TIME THE SPANISH ARRIVED. IN FACT, THE MAYANS DIED OUT HUNDREDS OF YEARS BEFORE! THE 2012 THING IS AZTEC!
Also, it’s not “The end of the world” that was predicted, just the end of life itself. So, no big deal then…
BTW, if the world was going to end in 2012, things would have kicked off in 2005. That’s how it works…
November 5th, 2009 at 1:12 am
the world will not end in 2012. BUT, we should endorse doomsday conversation and a general ignorance of logic amongst the masses, because the more who believe the end is nigh and the more awesome, badass end of the world parties will be thrown. And there is no greater aphrodisiac than our own mortalities. Orgy of the century, get on it!
November 5th, 2009 at 12:59 am
My research indicates Bucholz will not get raped by a bear until 2015.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:55 am
heh.
Listen up…
The apocalypse will NOT be caused by aliens, meteors, or anything like that. The end of all things will be caused by MAN and man alone.
(and by Man I mean humanity in general.)
November 5th, 2009 at 12:15 am
I personally think 2012 is going to end up, if anything, being a self-fulfilled prophecy. Everyone is going to be so hyped up and scared that they’re going to do stupid things. Anything that happens is going to be driven entirely by fear, and played out by the weak and terrified.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:27 pm
I would love for something kinda big to happen on that date. Make it worth the hype….a little.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
Hahahahaha well I don’t think this whole 2012 thing is really going to happen but if it does I guess all women are safe since the space bears only like men lol
November 4th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
i’m pretty sure the representative will be me…. i’ve dreamed of all this shit happening and my dreams have come true before… GIVE ME THE FUND!!!!
November 4th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
just check the bullshit episode on the apocalypse. that says everything.
November 4th, 2009 at 6:23 pm
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November 4th, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Great piece Chris! As the wise have always said, “the end will come like a thief in the night…” Not an exact date like the Super bowl…. In fact, every life meets it’s end without prior notice. So, tomorrow could be the end, ten minutes from now or after that e-coli laden taco you just inhaled.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
Fuck it. I think it’s going to happen. I believe in science, not religion bullshit. Thats just a way to control people, and make them believe in something better than all this life turns out to be ( For most of the part; shit ) Either way, if it happens, than fuckin right!, im not one of those fucked up, skitzo-apocalyptic people. But if it doesn’t, then Hey.. Ill be able to say I took place in the biggest simultaneous - world ending party in history!! Yeeaaa! haha
Reefer. \m/ Metal.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:15 pm
My friends recommended me a very interesting place __AgelessFriends.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not a problem there. You may wanna check it out and tell your friends.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I know nothing will happen, but I want something to happen, for the lulz.
November 4th, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Not that I have any reason to think it likely (and plenty to think it crazy) part of me hopes there will be some sort of apocalypse…
I mean, it would be nice if the folks were correct about SOMETHING for once, ya know?
November 4th, 2009 at 3:44 pm
-.-
this is just some stuff from wikipedia after you search doomsday.
November 4th, 2009 at 2:33 pm
There already is an article here based on the 2012 shindig, right?
November 4th, 2009 at 2:13 pm
@Gregory Sherman:
The LHC is scheduled to begin operation later this month. Better luck next time.
That said, I think 2012 is a load of crackpot lies as well.
November 4th, 2009 at 1:27 pm
2012: The sun will flip its magnetic poles as it does at the end of every 11-year sunspot cycle; The whole Planet Nibiru is a bunch of science fiction that makes Scientology look authentic. According to Mayan theology, we’ll reach the 13th baktun, which is irrelevant and has no sign of the end of the world whatsoever as most modern researchers will tell you.. we won’t reach the Age of Aquarius until approximately the Year 2600. And Terrence McKenna really loved him some psilocybin mushrooms - and he basically saw that he wanted to see. Anybody can draw a random graph or contstruct something off of chance with no relevant probability and would be able to correlate it with any event they please. It’s just a vague, no-depth prediction. Oh, in case you guys haven’t heard it on the news- they’re no longer going to construct the Large Hadren Collider anymore and they’re going to stop all research.. There you go! I just debunked 2012 for everybody.
The only thing that will happen is the conglomerates will be making money off of all the hype via movies/merchandise. Think Y2K, people, or 06/06/06.
What WILL Happen in 2012: We also will have to elect a new president, The US will hand military control back to Korea, the world population will reach above seven billion, a meteor will pass within 15 MILLION miles of the Earth (Do you know how far away 15 Million miles is?)….as for the end of the world? Not quite. 2012 is an insignificant number with no relevancy to any history or predictions. If this stuff had any validity, don’t you think the governments around the worlds would be losing their shit? Get real, people.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:57 pm
lol i love how people see the mayan calender ending at 2012 and just automatically think that means the end of the world XD thats such a jump in conclusions you could clear the grand canyon and then some lol
November 4th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
garbage:
It’s an article on a comedy site. As in, jokes first, research second. Get your head out of your ass.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
@Deodorant: Because it’s also free and optional? Seriously though I liked the article.
November 4th, 2009 at 11:48 am
You claim that all these theories are bull-s***. I’m not claiming that they’re truth, but the one that sounds the most legit to me, (the pole shift), you didn’t even bother to talk to anyone of merit? Terrible article, clearly a biased piece simply for you to arrogantly call everyone that has an alternative view ignorant. You suck sir…you suck very much.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4951448613711060908&ei=edrxSpCfCpOerAK9nche&q=2012&hl=en#
November 4th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Manny Calavera, really? Care to provide evidence about the battery thing?
November 4th, 2009 at 10:55 am
Check out zetatalk.com
that bitch is crazy
November 4th, 2009 at 9:47 am
If you knew anything at all about 2012, you wouldn’t be as much terrified as you would be hopeful and anxious. Especially funny that you mention Terence McKenna, who has the most hopeful outlook on 2012 I’ve ever heard. All this media attention likes to paint 2012 as a scary scary thing because that’s what sells. Well, it’s all BS. We should be terrified of the time between now and 2012. We should look forward to 2012 as the end of all that.
November 4th, 2009 at 8:26 am
come on child of destiny! its clearly your job to stop the apocolypse!
November 4th, 2009 at 8:15 am
I know this is a funny article and all, but I read in the comments people who are apparently serious saying the Mayans had this or the Sumerians had that, and refer to accurate calendars, star maps, whatever. That’s all bullshit sold to you by people without a clue. Ancient people survived, yeah, but all this crap about advanced technology like star maps and astrolabes and batteries and so on is completely fabricated. The ancients sucked at technology, period. The dumb fucks.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:42 am
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 4th, 2009 at 7:16 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZi–F_uqgQ
November 4th, 2009 at 6:23 am
A biggie got left out here…. Newton (one of the greatest minds ever) came up with a similar date from his own research into the bible. The story just gets creepier.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:41 am
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November 4th, 2009 at 4:54 am
maybe-maybenot is funny. he said coronal ejection.
sounds like something you do when you have jizz in your eye
November 4th, 2009 at 4:12 am
If the planet wiped out its “entire population”, we wouldn’t be here. You’re a fucking idiot.
November 4th, 2009 at 3:26 am
all these idiots on here spouting off that the world will NEVER end apparently forgot that his planet has wiped out its entire population, more than once before, what? u think it cant possibly happen again? Who’s the ignorant one now???
November 4th, 2009 at 3:22 am
Erm, If I get protein shakes and an upgraded free weights gym and a top-notch Krav Maga instructor, then I humbly volunteer to be Earth’s representative.
November 4th, 2009 at 1:48 am
You forgot the most likely event: a massive solar storm that will lead to a technological apocalypse, predicted to happen around 2012.
“The solar activity “we’re really worried about,” according to Lister, is a massive coronal ejection event. It’s a literal once-in-a-century solar super storm. In a coronal ejection event, the sun erupts massive qualities of super-heated plasma and material from its surface at speeds approaching 100 million kilometers per hour.
The benchmark solar super storm took place in 1859 where in some cases telegraph wires exploded off poles or caught fire. The aurora borealis was seen regularly as far south as Rome along with Florida and Texas in the U.S. Lister added: “Today’s commercial environment is much more vulnerable to a storm of this magnitude.” ”
(Whole article: http://www.midwestbusiness.com/news/viewnews.asp?newsletterID=17347)
November 4th, 2009 at 1:04 am
For all we know he could even wear one of those odd mexican outfits you’ll find in K-Mart
November 4th, 2009 at 1:02 am
The world will not go under -yet. Just because some people have fancy ideas of what might happen in their head, coz they’ve seen what Macguyver can do to fix a computer with a piece of paper and some tiny piece of iron, doesn’t mean they can make the world into a “computer” and all their nifty atom-tools into that “piece of iron” for then to reverse the whole proccess, and in reality go nuts on the computer with a piece of paper…we all know bush had an evil plan concerning a piece of paper, a piece of iron, and a poorly made fake mustache, but still…Even jumping to conclution with no prooves is wrong.
November 4th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Jeremy:
Sitchin was a “completely legitimate Archaeologist who has dug up many records on Sumeria”!??!?? You didn’t *really* write that with a straight face, did you?
About your hero:
“Sitchin’s claim to fame is announcing that he alone correctly reads ancient Sumerian clay tablets. [Of course, he didn't announce this by taking out an ad in the New York Times but by implying it with his "translations" that do not jibe with the work of legitimate scholars in the field.] If Sitchin is right, then all other scholars have misread these tablets, which, according to Sitchin, reveal that gods from another planet (Nibiru or Niburu, which orbits our Sun every 3,600 years) arrived on Earth some 450,000 years ago and created humans by genetic engineering of female apes. Niburu orbits beyond Pluto and is heated from within by radioactive decay, according to Sitchin. No other scientist has discovered that these descendants of gods blew themselves up with nuclear weapons some 4,000 years ago (The War of Gods and Men, p. 310).* Sitchin alone can look at a Sumerian tablet and see that it depicts a man being subjected to radiation. He alone knows how to correctly translate ancient terms allowing him to discover such things as that the ancients made rockets (ibid., p. 46).* Yet, he doesn’t seem to know that the seasons are caused by the earth’s tilt, not by its distance from the sun.”
From this website: http://www.skepdic.com/sitchin.html
November 4th, 2009 at 12:03 am
Or maybe Mr Bitter, Bucholz is the the representitive that’s raped by the bear :0…..
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:09 pm
Holy shit. The gypsy lady said you’re a “child of destiny, fated to lead mankind in its darkest hour”. Maybe you’re the one who should be hittin’ the free weights….
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:20 pm
nah i was too busy thinking about how shitty* FF7 was and how i can’t wait for time compression to destroy us all.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:19 pm
nah i was too busy thinking about how busy FF7 was and how i can’t wait for time compression to destroy us all.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:09 pm
You really need a proofreader.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:02 pm
“man-boy from the land of sparks and whispers”? Now, if that’s not Edward, I don’t know what it is.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:58 pm
This means my plan of dying of a heart attack at the age of 40 is screwed? Sucks!
oh well, I’ll do drugs then.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I just has to go LOLZ. Well . . . - thumbs up - Good luck with your plan !
I hope you get your “destiny” unlocked. You could always find some hacks online to Jailbreak yourself.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:36 pm
@Kunou
Yeah, tell that to Francis Crick, bioquemist, discoverer of the double helix DNA structure, and thrower of the most awesome acid parties in his neighbourhood. Fuck yeah science.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:34 pm
A great article. I liked it a lot, learned one or two things, and it made me laugh.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:54 pm
I take it I was the only person who thought of JENOVA while reading about the Nibiru Collision?
Nice article Bucholz. Little too much bear rape though.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:52 pm
the Prevent-Space-Bear-Rape-Fund…? Send some Nancy’s way!
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:45 pm
I lol’d.
Here I was afraid Cracked was getting serious on me out of the blue. Thank GOD.
I suggest you get one of those ‘anti-bear’ circles Spongebob is always going on about.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:29 pm
@Col: “It should be noted he only used psychedelic drugs about 5 times per year, and smoked pot mostly every day.”
…I can’t believe you’re saying this as a way to SUPPORT this guy. I mean, generally one of the main things to look for in a reputable scientist is one who doesn’t, at least five times per year, think that the walls are melting and giant space babies are talking to his spleen or something like that. Kinda messes with credibility a bit.
Also, “philosopher” and “crazy nutjob” tend to be interchangeable. Just sayin’.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:02 pm
This is Terence explaining the timewave theory in person. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vtnV25LWFQ8
It should be noted he only used psychedelic drugs about 5 times per year, and smoked pot mostly every day. So was not completly whacked off his face and delusional. He deserves more respect. It’s only a THEORY. He was a philosopher, not a crazy nutjob. He has many, many speeches that are fantastic.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:53 pm
When i first saw this article on here, i though oh shit. I checked out the comments and wandered over to 2012hoax,org. I had the “nerve” to actually read this (I dont believe it NOW, but i spent the last 2 years clinically deprssed because of it.) After discovered it was a satire, KUDOS! Well written.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:52 pm
fucking epic. particularly the advice at the end.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:47 pm
They are actually referring to Marc Bolan of the 70’s
glam rock band T rex. “looked like a bear….had sex with dudes….You see 2012 ALREADY happened!
We are reading stuff wrong. We are about 35 years late with our minds. Your wrong mindedness has angered the gods and aliens are mad about environmental stuff. The only time you listen is during butt sex. They couldn’t save the dinosaurs because it was too hard to rape a dinosaur. The tail could knock you out so all your good intentions were wasted. Then they made man to be easily rapeable. No tail in the way, can’t reach back to fight it off.
We are the last hope. Think how different all these comments would be if the posters were getting butt raped at the time. That’s right! Much more clarity, more insightful and a lot more “open” to new ideas.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:42 pm
“Apocalyptic warnings have always been attractive to a certain type of person–bearded men without jobs primarily…”
an insult at brockway’s expense? why chris, you dog!
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:16 pm
hey the 21st of dec 2012 is a friday, so your all invited to my end of the world party. one last night to get fucked up eh?
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
Also, bear rape. LOL!
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:15 pm
I think someone dropped some banana into my pide.
Tastes kinda funny…anyway about the end of the world and all that’s been said about it….hmmmm
I guess my first sentence has just as much validity on the subject as everyone else so…yeah.
Banana in my turkish pizza. Keep the faith!
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:06 pm
You know a Mayan Elder who visited Britian was pelted with questions about the end fo the world, to which he basically replied “No we didn’t predict the end of the world you dumb fucks.”
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:02 pm
The 2012 apocalypse ate my balls!
http://www.2012hoax.org/
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:45 pm
TO ALEX ENCANDAR::::
yea pretty much… the Mayans were wiped out be disease, if everyone in the country, including yourself, were dying at an alarming rate, would you really sit there and be like “Oh shit, we gotta finnish this calender!” NO. you’d be like “oh shit fucks! we dying” and then promptly drop dead.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:43 pm
Chris Bucholz, you cannot hide from us.
We will find you - find you and rape you. Just as it was predicted so it shall be.
You cannot excape your destiny!!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:42 pm
doesn’t anyone remember when a ton of people thought the world was going to end becase the whole Y2K bullshit? People are dumb and history repeats itself.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:40 pm
I once tried to fart, but a little bit of liquid poo came out instead.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:35 pm
All of this has happened before, and will happen again.
(Thats right, i went there!)
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I believe the end of the wold will happen, mostly because I’m bored and it’s a decent excuse to be out of work. If it happens it happens if it doesn’t, who cares! We as a human race will find a way to make OURSELVES extinct anyway.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:25 pm
The only truth to the Mayan calendar bit is that the “baktun” will change in 2012…from the 4th to the 5th. By black, they didn’t mean in the literal sense, they meant in the literary sense.
Let me ask you this, would you buy a calendar for 2022? or even 2014?
Neither would the Mayans. They simply didn’t see it necessary to carve (engraved? They are massive stone platforms.) a new calendar so far into the future, over 1000 years after their civilization collapsed and the last authentic calendars were created.
The Mayans didn’t consider the change in “baktun”, a term which I am unfamiliar with but understand to mean the changing into the next cycle, an extremely bad thing, but actually just a continuation of cyclic time. This would come in the form of changing governments, new technologies, conflict, and yes some death. This wouldn’t be world-ending though.
It’s also unlikely that they themselves had any concept of an apocalypse. The Mayans believed everything that will happen has happened before and will happen again.
Since there are no myths of permanent destruction, it doesn’t follow in their mythos.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
Didn’t cracked have an article here about how the 2012 apoc. is a load of crap?
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:14 pm
Sooo long story short. The world is going to be fine, but somebody’s ass is getting bear raped. Is that right?
Do we all vote for this representative/rape victim? I’m hitting the gym; fuck some bear rape, no thanks.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:49 pm
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:40 pm
@slapnuts
Nostradamus made thousands and thousands of predictons.. he made them everyday. It was literally his job. Why do you fools never mention the thousands that were utterly wrong in every way shape and form and only focus on the few that appear to vaguely fit some event?
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:35 pm
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November 3rd, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I am reading ths correctly, if each story he told seems to indicate that he will get raped by a bear, correct?
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:06 pm
True story:
I was talking with a buddy of mine who is one of them..a True Believer. After listening to his Mayan bullshit for the millionth
time,I pointed to a calender of cute kittens hanging on my wall.
(I like kittens.) “Ken,” I said,”that calender ends on December 31st. What happens then? Does the world end,or do I hang another calender?” “Uhhh…you hang another calender,” he said.
“Right, Ken, I hang another calender. Prefferably another one with cute kittens.”(I really like kittens.)
So it is possible to make these people see reason,but only one on one. The problem is that they tend to travel in packs.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:54 pm
I love this article–it lists the theories from a neutral point of view, which is much less viable to induce flaming as some of Cracked’s other articles. I also agree with Mooney, 2nd comment down from this. As we know from the Latin language, many languages have the same word for differant meanings, and for the Myayns, this could have been “end=new”, which would make sense when you think about it for a pagen civilization that belived in reincarnation.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
The whole thing about the poles reversing, it takes a few thousand years for it to happen, its not something that happens over night.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Looks like we all need to prepare our asses for some intense bear rape.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:12 pm
Also, people don’t seem to realize that the Mayans had a cyclical calender. Which means it will just reset on December 12, 2012 (or whatever date people chose).
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:10 pm
I love all the subtle anal rape references. And I’m always up for making fun of idiots who believe lies!
“Purveyor of cracked scrolls,” does anyone else get that?
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:58 pm
Im glad to see Timewave 0 made the list. Fun facts about that: not only was the guy who invented it strung out on a drug cocktail of various plants in the Amazon, when it all calculated it out, his timewave ended on November 20, 2012. To make it more ominous, he “adjusted” the date to Dec. Clearly his work is scholarly.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:55 pm
what is the point about being scared of the end of the world, you’te not going to be able to change it, it’s like being afraid that rocks exist, if it happens or not how we feel about it makes no difference, so why care?
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:47 pm
Okay, okay…after this can we please stop talking about the end of the universe as we know it?
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:44 pm
“terrible violation”, “Great Humbling penetration”. Ah cracked, you never fail to supply me with my much needed daily dose of not-so-subtle anal sex references.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Hail the bear overlords! They shall take us all to their furry planet and give us honey!…will elvis be there?
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Great article! Funny AND well written! Kudos.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:29 pm
The fact that 2012 disasters will most likely not happen shouldn’t take away from the fact that there should still be crazy end of the world parties.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:21 pm
@slapnuts, youre a dumbass. this is all bullshit. i’m with fetch on this one. i’ll be laughing my ass off at all the believers in this shit.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:20 pm
Perhaps the “lunatics” have a better understanding of the subtle affects of cosmic bodies, seeing as they’re lunatics. (That’s a joke btw.)
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I WANT UR STUFF TOO
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm
Should anyone feel the apocalypse is inevitable, you may sign over all your possessions to me, so that your soul may untainted by worldly desires.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:10 pm
Great article, lots of laughs.
Thanks again Holy Taco Crew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I laughed so hard at the prevent-space-bear-rape-fund, this article was great…Also @slapnuts you do realize that all of Nostradamus’ “predictions” were not discovered until after the “predicted” event took place or so vague that anything could fit his prediction right? most of them all are forgeries and hoaxes.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
When 2013 roll around, I’m just gonna laugh and laugh and laugh. Even if you’re right, then I’ll be dead anyway!
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Why should we be worried in 2012? All the crazy shit the humans are gonna do, riots, mass suicides, Bono’s armageddon charity events, etc.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:48 pm
A rouge planet destroying the Earth with tidal forces is LITERALLY the plot of Thundarr the Barbarian
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:46 pm
@ crackedlies
awww, did I strike a nerve? sorry, pasty fat bastards that still live in mommys masement with the exception of crackedlies….all better?
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
If any of you guys have read “Skeptic” magazine, a guy from nasa calls bullshit on nibiru and a couple other of these.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:39 pm
i have a 2012 prediction of my own.
the movie will open well, then be horribly blasted on the internet for having no good plot and relying to heavily on CG, then will fail to hit anywhere near the gross that the movie studio was looking for while John Cusak quietly settles back into obscurity
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:25 pm
@ slapnuts: the Mayans also danced around pits of fire, drinking human blood, and sacrificing humans to make “the gods” happy. And your probably living in your moms basement so shut up.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:19 pm
LOL @ myself for spelling nostradamus wrong…..
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:14 pm
mronoc; They did predict the Spaniards coming…
Also, bear rape may not be that bad. Their junk is long and thin. Just get drunk and… oh nevermind
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:05 pm
I think its funny how people all just assume that its NOT gonna happen, I like to keep an open mind, and the fact that nastrodamus and the mayans both predicted the SamE EXACT DATE makes me believe more than a few e-nerds saying its false (I believe the prophecies of friggin nastrodamus over some pasty fat bastard still living in mommys basement)
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:55 am
Ahhhh Bucholz, I love you to death, but this wasn’t one of my favorite articles of yours…I guess I was just expecting more humor. This was a little too wordy for me.
I’m just going to wait for your next article then. =)
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:48 am
I agree with with LisaL.
“2012 is just like Y2K. A bunch of idiots panicking over absolutely nothing.”
I think I’ll just watch the movie and enjoy it.
http://www.sellbits.com - “The Simple Way To Sell”
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
Sorry, Chris. I may not have anything to be afraid of, but it seems the I Ching has predicted your rape at the hands of.. Uh… One of the four God-Beasts of the Cardinal Directions? I guess you should watch out for Huang Long of the Rear.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:42 am
This article, sans bear rape, seems to be just a poor rehash from the wikipedia entry “2012 phenomenon”. I like Bucholz alot, I just wonder what pressing matter he had coming up that he couldn’t make a decent article up to his standards.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:36 am
It is odd that their means of chronicling time were more accurate than our’s (note, Leap Years, Date Light Savings, etc) despite unquestioned superiority in other cultural venues. And we’re in their “5th World” per their calendars btw…and yes, a 6th one is slated (12-2012) so don’t shit yourselves in typical 21st cen. panic mode.
Ppl are gonna’ appropriate yet another culture, bury their own agenda w/in it under a veneer of “credibility” and the windowdressing of conjecture masking as facts and use it for their own gains…likely the same ones they’ve (we’ve) been using since all this chronicling, history, and theorizing began, namely $ and power. In the big scheme, even w/ thousands of years and alleged “progress”, the wants are still the same.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
Article would’ve been better with more info and less of you attempting too hard at trying to be funny.
Anyway… 2012 is just like Y2K. A bunch of idiots panicking over absolutely nothing.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:33 am
@Shaun Turley
You just upped the power of zombies by removing the exclusive bite/fluid transfer to straight up breathing too hard. WHO THE HELL ISN’T GONNA BE A ZOMBIE IF WE CAN COUGH EACH OTHER TO DEATH? Dammit, man! Stop giving them ideas!
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:26 am
DOB needs to write a “So you need to defeat the space bear molester who brings the apocalypse…” so we’re all prepared.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:19 am
I remember back in 2000 when everyone (crazy people) thought jesus was going to come back. I think if the mayans knew everything, they would have seen Spain coming.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:14 am
That’s awesome. Well put-together. Validates your own existence while simultaneously invalidating it.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:13 am
“Even the scientists aren’t worried”………..
Because when I think of unfounded hysteria and panic, i think of those who do rational enquiry as a profession…
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:12 am
Personally i think its gonna be a zombie apocalypse. My theory is that the swine flu vaccination will hav a similar effect as the cure for cancer in I am Legend. By 2012 all the people who have gotten the vaccine will be zombies and the ones that didnt get it will be left to fight off the zombie hordes. Should be fun.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:11 am
Also, when I say Earth creation I do not mean the Anunaki created it, but I mean how the Earth formed from gas and dust from the star.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Is it natural that people seek Beauty and Wealthy???? then we know why rich man wants beautiful woman and sexy woman wants successful man.. you know so many online services focus on it now.. such as —–AffluentSingle.com—– where many real & hot woman and successful & wealthy man waiting for hooking up!!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:10 am
Not gather resources from them, but from Earth to them. Sorry for that and any other typos.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
I don’t know if this has been said yet, but these people talking about Nibiru get it from the Sumerians, who believed we were placed here by the Anunaki to gather resources from them, and Nibiru comes near Earth every X number of years. It is really easy to dismiss this as batshit crazy, but the thing about the Sumerians is they had Earth creation scenarios and Solar System diagrams that were extremely accurate, and fit with modern theories. The Sumerians claimed this knowledge came from the Anunaki. I am not implying that this is true, but these crazy people have taken the Sumerians stories and run with it. For more info you can check out the book “The 12th Planet” by Zecharia Sitchin, who is a completely legitimate Archaeologist who has dug up many records on Sumeria (which was also one of the first society’s to have a language, and actuall had a printing press (for clay tablets, not paper), along with many other interesting inventions.) To recap, I AM NOT A NIBIRU THEORIST, I am just stating where these people are getting the whole Nibiru thing. And that Bucholz should do more research…
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:08 am
Why we should be terrified of 2012. The Mayan’s calendar was intended to reveal cycles of time not singular points in time. If there is any truth to their predictions then it would be an event that would take place over some period of time, 50, 100 1000 years. How much time would it take for our current society to destroy itself? History gives us many examples of societies which have been completely destroyed by either their own ignorance (cutting all their trees down) or outside forces (war, environmental changes)
We live in the most fragile society the world has ever had. 90 percent of the information we use to run our lives is stored on media less dependable than paper. Disease can travel the globe in a few days. War. How long could you survive if your power shut off and never came back on? How will people who have never gone a day without eating act if they are faced with starvation?
What do you think they would call you if you had told people 200 years ago that man would invent a device to travel around in, the device would be powered by the bones of dinosaurs and that it would expel gasses that would destroy the sky? A bear molestation doesn’t sound so crazy.
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:03 am
@Cesar Vasquez
—> This article
—>Your head.
@AyteeSics
Wow. Rage. Calm down, I made a light-hearted comment because that guy either has no perception of sarcasm, or is just looking to start a stupid needless discussion like this one.
Chill.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:53 am
haha, sometimes it’s hard to tell when this guy is serious. Gotta love professional sarcasm.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:50 am
… because he’ll save us! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
(and he bones a LOT of the ladies… A LOT!!!!!).
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:44 am
When the Rapist bears arrive ill be first in line.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:28 am
this whole maya thing is beyond out of hand. people do this all the time with stuff they find ‘exotic’. The Maya believed a lot of shit. They believed that under the surface of the earth there was a giant ocean full of scary shit that the sun had to fight every night and that you should only go to war when Venus was in the ascension. We don’t really give much credence to that, but for some reason, the Maya have been imbued with some sort of magical power that allows them to predict the end of the world. They were a race of Mesoamerican agriculturists who had a set of written and inscribed beliefs and religious ideas. Turning them into anything more is really just kind of racist and illustrates that people don’t really consider them to be part of the normal (read us) history of civilization. It’s just the 2009 version of ‘black people are magic’ or ‘native americans can talk to wolves’.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:46 am
It seems to me that no one on this website ever gets that most of the “serious” looking articles are complete sarcasm.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:43 am
It was ehhh until the end. Needs more funnies in the beginning and middle.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:41 am
Bucholz u suck bear balls and you will do it even after the apocalypse
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:33 am
A rare miss for Bucholz, methinks.
@joe: Why is it “believed that this alignment will cause super volcano’s to erupt” (also, the super volcano’s what will erupt)?
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:25 am
@jackthestripper: In the event of a bear attack, I doubt that any one martial art would prove superior enough to make much of a difference, though I agree that you should work on footwork. Running in particular. Or carry a shotgun. At all times of course, because who knows when magical space bear will attack.
One other sciency tidbit I’ve heard is that the sun is due to have a very violent period of sunspots / solar storms / radiation. Combined with no magnetic field, that could prove quite a nuisance. Of course it still has the drawback of having no specific date attributed to it. Just a range of a few years (which does happen around 2012)
In addition of course, the staunch supporter of scary things happening at this specific date may add that the second coming of Jesus has not yet happened *wink wink*
I myself, being a bearded individual, was completely behind these theories until I got my job back last month. Now, of course, they’re all just nonsense.
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:04 am
Oh no, my calender ends on December 31st, the worlds going to end.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:57 am
not a bad round up. to those looking for more information look to Nostradamus and the Aztecs - most recently a book was found that they claim was written by Nostradamus - in this book it tells of the prophecies of the ‘end of the world’ he believes, which is on par with the Aztec’s, that around that certain day in 2012 we will have another eclipse (supposedly our 3rd or 4th of that year, which is completely out of the norm) this eclipse is the lining up of our planets sun and the center of the galaxy (i believe it was the milky way galaxy) - the center of this galaxy is where the Aztecs believe they came from - come to find out scientist now believe that this is, in fact, where our galaxy has spawned from - it is believed that this alignment will cause super volcano’s to erupt (last time a SUPER vol. erupted it blasted i think 90% of the population away), tsunamis, tornado’s, just image that earth is being shaken violently - and that part is based on physics - not predictions - check it out - remember to take everything with a grain of salt until you do your own digging into the research….
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:55 am
http://www.ancient-world-mysteries.com/long-count.html
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:40 am
Okay guys seriously, THIS IS MADNESS, just another Y2K. Do yourselves a favor and just chill out. Even the scientists aren’t worried, why? Because this is BS so we are not SOL. Dont waste your time and money doing preperations. And if it is the end of the world, may we all die laughing lol
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:22 am
Terrible violation, great humbling penetration, bear raping a man: would one of the Ursas have it in for, say, Orion or someone within lesser proximity?
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:21 am
Well Bucholz, time to invest in a chastity belt that sprays bear mace, methinks. Good luck representing!
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:20 am
Nutbars are like old people talking about their illness and operations, one upping each other.
” Oh yeah….my head fell clean off at the chiropractor, took weeks to get it back on…”
” I had a wierd dream.”
” I had a dream premonition that came true.”
” I was abducted by aliens while dreaming about 9/11.”
” I was abducted by the aliens that really did 9/11, and they took my head off. It was weeks before I got it out of my ass.”
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:13 am
Yeah, all the proof in the world that nothing is going to happen on December 21, 2012: Hollywood.
By the way niggers are scum
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:06 am
[...] Why We Should Be Terrified of the 2012 Apocalypse. Meh. [...]
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:03 am
Bwuh says: @Cesar Vasquez:
Please be trolling, please be trolling.
If you’re not though… don’t have kids.—Alright, lets see what kind of filth this Cesar Vasquez guy said…ah, here it is! Cesar Vasquez Says: Interesting that three of the stories involve some reference to rape. One mentions a “violation” the other mentions “penetration” and the third mentions a foolish vain man with thin arms being raped by a space bear. Kind of makes you wonder where if all the people coming up with this are all disturbed due to similar childhood incidents.—Are you fucking kidding me? That is supposed to be considered trolling? Wow, ok, that’s it, no more articles on Cracked about trolling, no one understands what it really is. Fucking retards.
November 3rd, 2009 at 8:00 am
Looks like the bear is ALREADY HERE.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8339549.stm
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:59 am
Awesome as usual, CB. Its pretty interesting how all of these theories seem to relate to each other in one way or another. My stance on the whole 2012 thing is that I heard the Mayan calender doesn’t actually say anything about the end of times, it just…stops. It comes to a sudden end, and everyone is taking that as a prediction of the end of times. I could be wrong, that’s just what I heard, and like religion, I’m not going to look into bullshit I don’t believe in or care about at all.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:56 am
I would love if anyone actually donated.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 am
C’mon, you’ve got that emergency anti-bear kit in the archives.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:49 am
I’ll be waiting in a rocking chair and a shotgun for that space bear motherfucker.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:46 am
@Cesar Vasquez:
Please be trolling, please be trolling.
If you’re not though… don’t have kids.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:42 am
The ONLY reason anyone cares about 2012 is because it potentially involves them. If it were for certain that 2012 would only effect Somalia, then NO one in the rest of the world would give a shit.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:42 am
If you’re gonna get raped by a bear you’d be better off in investing in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu lessons.
Krav Maga groundwork isn’t as in depth, and I don’t think the bear will rape you while you’re standing.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:28 am
Oh my, that was funny.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:20 am
When Jesus didn’t return, and the aliens didn’t land, and Y2K didn’t turn off one fucking light bulb, you’d think people would realize it’s a number on a man-made and totaly arbitrary calendar. Then it was 2001, because that was the REAL turn of the century, and now it’s 2012. The Lord works in mysterious ways, but he loves number patterns invented a few billion years after he accidentally spilled some protoplasm while tidying up.
I like it that longer and more complex articles are finding their way into Cracked. This was great.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:07 am
Interesting that three of the stories involve some reference to rape. One mentions a “violation” the other mentions “penetration” and the third mentions a foolish vain man with thin arms being raped by a space bear. Kind of makes you wonder where if all the people coming up with this are all disturbed due to similar childhood incidents.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:04 am
Why do I sense a run on bear-traps being sold here soon in the Bucholz neighborhood?
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:01 am
Seriously? More on this 2012 nonsense? Ugh… It’s the whole Y2K panic all over again. Different time, different reason, same nonsense.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:52 am
I heard last week that the whole 2012 thing is a miscalculation. We’re supposedly “safe” for another 200 years or so. Don’t know if it’s true though.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:47 am
You know the world’s ending when a spambot beats everyone to the punch by half an hour.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:39 am
Wow I guess we better live it up while we can!
RT
http://www.complete-privacy.at.tc
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:37 am
not sure if it’s a typo or meant to be that way as it sorta works both ways but
“John Cusack moodily blundering his way through relationships while listening to indie hits form the 80s”
I mean yeah, it seems indie hits did form a lot of what the 80’s were about but I think you might have meant to say
“John Cusack moodily blundering his way through relationships while listening to indie hits FROM the 80s”
maybe? not trying to be anal or anything just figured you might have missed that and we all know Buchholz is, if nothing else, the epitome of professionalism……
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:34 am
I’m not worried about the world ending, I’m just worried about all the retards who think that because the world is ending they get to go kill their neighbor. ready your rifles people
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:25 am
Wether the 2012 thing is real or not I could care less, but if it is then I seriously hope it is a zombie apocalypse cause that my friends would be fucking awsome!!!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:15 am
“Unable to find ’space bear rape fund’”, awww…
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:00 am
Recently, I found an age-gap site called ~~~ Agegapmingle.com ~~~ It’s a nice and free place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:59 am
hahahahaha. Do it Bucholz! Take that bear-dick! For the earth and humanity!
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:56 am
The Timewave theory is pretty interesting, but if you read enough about it you find that he chose his starting date pretty arbitrarily. And by “pretty,” I mean “entirely.” So yes, if you do take a period of time and place one end of it in 2012, then that period of time ends in 2012.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:55 am
i hope its zombies so i can test my skillz lol, really tho, this is bullshit, its only the start of a new cycle lol, all these freaks banging on about the end of the world, please !!!
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:55 am
@Sprayette: Well, given that this article was sarcastic from the get go, it doesn’t surprise me.
@Deodorant: Awesomeness is subjective: If you can make a jetpack YOURSELF, then it’s fucking awesome. Even if it only floats about 1 meter.
If the NASA with millions of funds and researchers make on that only floats 10 meters and lasts for about a fart, then it’s disappointing and sucky. At least that’s how I think it goes…
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:53 am
I hope we get attacked by cylons.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:48 am
So according to this:
http://www.webexhibits.org/calendars/calendar-mayan.html
the Mayan prophecy will come true in Dec. 2012…or Dec. 2272, the erudite elders have yet to agree on mystical mathematics.
Fuck it. Where are all the Satanic Apocolypse prophecies? That shit is just metal.
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:25 am
@Sprayette
Indeed.. Kind of like the real-life jetpack that was mentioned in two articles for being awesome (7 people from around the world with real-life superpowers, 5 deadly sci-fi gadgets you can build at home), and one for being disappointing and sucky. (5 awesome sci-fi inventions that would actually suck)..
Still, reading is free and optional, so why complain?
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:24 am
meh
November 3rd, 2009 at 5:10 am
What the hell Cracked? You released an article on why 2012 is bullshit and now we get this? …….oh whatever, Buchloz is still awesome.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:48 am
boring
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 am
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