Someone must have been spreading rumors about Gladstone because one morning, without warning, he awoke to an alarming e-mail from Cracked.com Editor In Chief, Jack O’Brien:
“You’re through, Gladstone.”
On any other day, Gladstone would have attributed the note’s ambiguous brevity to Jack’s crippling addiction to Madonna and techno raves. So many other Editorial notes had trailed off aimlessly while Jack chased chemically manufactured joy and glow sticks:“Like the new Hate By Numbers. Like… a virgin. Where’s my pacifier? My jaw hurts.”
But this email was no mere rambling. It showed a dark certainty that Jack had not exhibited since mandating ass-less chaps Fridays at the Cracked offices.
Gladstone turned from the screen and looked for comfort in his normal routine. But things had changed. Now when Gladstone shaved closely around his sideburns, a few gray hairs appeared. His navy blue suit, which had once been his HBN armor, showed fraying at the cuffs. And the leather-masked gimp in his basement revealed a zipper mouth of sadness (although, Bucholz might have just been in one of his moods).
Through a Byzantine labyrinth of corridors and passageways, Gladstone found the Cracked offices, but was greeted only by Seanbaby and a closed door.
“None shall pass,” he said, and Gladstone was struck that Seanbaby spoke like he wrote: with little cartoon bubbles appearing above his head.
“Please,” Gladstone urged. “I seek admittance. I’ve been the victim of a conspiracy.”
Seanbaby sighed.
“Gladstone, behind this door, there is another. And another. Each with a guard bigger than the last. Each with instructions to deny your entry. Penis, penis, boner.”
(Contractually, all Cracked columnists were obligated to go no longer than five sentences without a dick joke or penis reference. Gladstone, however, had negotiated for a one per 25 sentence quota, knowing full well that no one at Demand Media could count that high.)
“If you like,” Seanbaby offered, “you may have a seat and ask again in awhile.”
Gladstone turned to see two seats beside the door. One occupied by Robert Brockway.
“Robert, are you also here to fight some unjust indignity that has befallen you?”
“Nope. Just waiting out the effects of last night’s peyote party. I’m still trippin’ balls.”
“I see,” Gladstone said and cursed himself for thinking, however, briefly, that he could have an ally in this struggle.
“Furthermore,” Brockway added, “penis, penis, boner.”
Just as all seemed lost, Seanbaby left his post to go Photoshop dirty things into a 1950s brochure about bomb shelters, and Gladstone seized the moment to step inside. There before him, stood a giant insect.
“Dan O’Brien? Is that you?” he asked.
The insect raised human eyes up to the ceiling. Its twitching antennae forming accents of confusion. And despite the gross spectacle, Gladstone could still discern a trace of humanity in the creature’s struggle to sit in an office chair when its hard shell dictated a less evolved posture. The insect opened its mandibles, craning its neck to generate some semblance of human speech. Part human, maybe, but was this monstrosity Dan O’Brien?
“Penis, penis, boner.”
Yeah, it was Dan. His sticky claws began clacking away on the keyboard, filling the screen with “penis, penis, boner” hundreds of times.
“Dan!” Gladstone cried. “What metamorphosis has deprived you of your knack for comedic prose? What can we do?”
Dan popped the insect mask off his costume and replied, “Whaddya mean? Just givin’ the people what they want. I found the one-to-five ratio too confining anyway.”
Gladstone recoiled in horror. All his perceptions unreliable. All painful.
“But why are you dressed as…”
“For Brockway’s costume party. Well, it was a peyote party, but, y’know, what fun are psychedelics without costumes? Sorry, I’m still tripping balls.”
“AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
A blood curdling scream filled the offices and Gladstone ran to find its source. Still, even as he dodged through cubicles and corridors he wondered what he could do. And was he running to help, or to find another who shared his impending sense of dread?
There, behind a door marked “Not Torture” was a bearded man strapped face down and shirtless to a table. Over the man’s back hung a large device most notable for an appendage containing a razor sharp writing implement. There was a rhythm to the arm’s movements and as Gladstone approached he realized the razor pen was carving the same sentence into the victim’s skin, over and over, with increasingly deeper penetrations.
Gladstone could now see the bloody writing hundreds of times across the man’s back:
“I will not defy readers’ expectations. I will not defy readers’ expectations.”
“Oh! You must be Cody, the new guy! Like your stuff.”
But Cody did not greet the kind words with the kind of appreciation Gladstone expected. In fairness, it might have been because a surgically sharp blade was carving an “x” into Cody’s deepest layer of flesh at that very moment, but Gladstone still couldn’t help but be appalled by the manners of kids today. He left Cody in the care of the device, confident all lessons that needed to be learned would be. Besides, the guy’s voice was really annoying.
Now Gladstone had examined almost every crevice of the Cracked offices and still he was no closer to understanding why he was no longer part of this family. Why he had been cast out.
Gladstone let loose the scream that had been building since morning, “WHY JACK? WHY?!”
“It wasn’t me,” Jack whispered. Apparently, he had been standing next to Gladstone the whole time, and now he was pointing. “I take my orders from him.”
Jack led Gladstone down a hall that seemed both intimately familiar and somehow unknown until they reached an office door.
“Whose office is this?” Gladstone asked, but Jack was gone.
Gladstone held the doorknob for a moment, fearing a truth worse than his paranoia. But, ultimately, he realized that whoever was on the other side of that door still worked for Cracked and, therefore, was likely functionally retarded. Gladstone opened the door, revealing the office to be his own, but now, Michael Swaim was sitting behind his desk.
“Swaim!”
“Wayne! Come in. Have a seat.”
“Please, Michael. Call me Gladstone.”
Swaim smiled warmly. “Fine, if you prefer, Gladstone. But why all the animosity?”
“Don’t pretend, Michael. Jack told me everything. You’re behind my termination. Look at you. You’re already sitting behind my desk.”
“Of course, I am. But Wayne, that’s because if you’re searching for who’s responsible, it’s you.”
Gladstone looked closer. Swaim was wearing a navy blue jacket much like Gladstone’s–only new. His hair was coarser and wavier than usual. And the part in his dress shirt revealed some sprouts of chest hair whereas Gladstone had recalled Swaim normally being smooth like a pubescent boy with a testosterone deficiency.
“Wait,” Gladstone murmured, “you’re… me?”
“Of course, I am. You don’t think one website would actually have two numbered video shows do you? I’m just a product of your twisted imagination. I mean,‘Swaim’? Who’s ever heard of such a ridiculous name? Think about it, Wayne. I keep giving you clues, but you know what those letters stand for:
Secretive
Wayne’s
Alternate
Identity
Michael.
“No, it can’t be!” Gladstone protested.
“In your heart you know it’s true,” Swaim insisted. “Why else would no one call me out on stealing your jokes?”
“But even if what you say is true. I’m not self-destructive?”
“Oh, really? You’re not?”
“No.”
“So you think it’s a good idea for your future at Cracked.com to write a 1,000 word column, mocking your boss and colleagues while making allusions to a Czech writer from 100-years ago?”
“I see your point.”
“Of course, you do. It’s yours.”
Gladstone shut the door behind him and headed home. The next morning, his landlady would find him dead at his computer with the cursor still blinking at the end of one solitary and incomplete sentence:
“Penis, penis, bon. . .
This entry was posted on Sunday, November 1st, 2009 at 4:00 am and is filed under I hate my co-bloggers, Kafka plus dick jokes, Pieces in which Gladstone is likened to Joseph K. and no one realizes/cares.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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November 20th, 2009 at 3:13 am
I’ve only ever read The Metamorphosis (I love it!) and I was happy DOB was given that role (because I love it so much)! The Swaim acronym also works well. It’s definitely an article to be proud of Gladstone. Looking forward to more and to new HBN. Must read more Kafka now too. Penis, penis, boner.
November 18th, 2009 at 8:53 am
I am inspired to start reading Kafka, TO THE BOOKSTORE! Tamina, do Gladstones Taxes… or something.
November 10th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I really, really enjoyed this. Great stuff.
November 9th, 2009 at 1:55 am
Sweet Jesus, if this article actually inspires somebody to start reading Kafka I’ll do your taxes for you. Or something.
November 7th, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Wow… I don’t get any of the Kafka references, and I feel like I’ve totally missed out on something major here. That being said I did enjoy this article, and will now be going to the bookstore to get some Kafka!
November 6th, 2009 at 7:38 pm
I find the idea of “assless chaps” to be totally redundant. Chaps that cover the ass are called “pants”.
November 6th, 2009 at 7:55 am
That was a joke, right ibh? Presuming that an article written in the style of Kafka would have a reference to Naked Lunch?
Google Kafka, the bug is part of The Metamorphosis.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
If given the choice of reading anything written by Gladstone or skipping lunch. I’ll gladly skip lunch every time. And I really like lunch. Speaking of which: Is DOB in bug costume supposed to be referencing “Naked Lunch” or am I taking that too literally?
PS. I’ve never read Kafka, but I did read some Hess in H.S. Does that count?
November 5th, 2009 at 3:38 am
I mostly enjoyed this, but you reminded me that Cody exists, and that was unfortunate. :-/
November 4th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
Wait, did Swaim kill Gladstone? Is that what this is about? Some screwed up clue?
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:24 pm
Gladstone, has anyone ever told you that you look a lot like sam harris?
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:51 pm
I’m going to pretend I am Cody.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I should add that I happen to be a fan of Canada-boy and that he’s one of my seven favorite active columnists on this site.
November 3rd, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Mr. Gladstone/Swaim,
Well… it’s halfhearted because you only barely-slightly mentioned Canada-boy. After all his “eh-tastic” Maple-leaved contributions, I’d think he’d warrant at least a little more than a passing mention in the intro. Maybe that’s just me.
32_20Blues - Your incessant Cody-hating is starting leading me to believe that you actually are Cody. Everyone knows Cody hates himself. Which, to follow up my previous point, is why he is allowed to hate other people.
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:52 pm
Recently, I found an age-gap site called __Agegapmingle.com__ It’s a nice place for Younger Women and Older Men, or Older Women and Younger Men, to interact with each other. Age gap is not problem there. You may check out or tell your friends.
November 3rd, 2009 at 2:43 pm
*slow clap*
November 3rd, 2009 at 11:22 am
it’s not that i hate cody. but some thoughtful comedy is refreshing and in a kafka-esque world it’s fitting everybody’s tripping on peyote. so glad you’re writing again.
November 3rd, 2009 at 10:15 am
This article was an automatic win for me, as it involved physically maiming Cody.
November 3rd, 2009 at 7:41 am
Just for clarity, everyone understand I think everyone referenced in this column is funny, right? Even Kafka.
November 3rd, 2009 at 6:11 am
This was awesome and funny as hell! Especially now since Im reading Kafka at college. Love all the references. Keep up the great job!
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:57 am
This is possibly the greatest thing I have read on this website. Move over animals lifted direclty from my nightmares, I have a new favorite
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 am
Nice “In the Penal Colony” reference!
Don´t worry, Cody, I hear it gets easier after six hours. Temporarily, anyways.
November 3rd, 2009 at 1:07 am
Gladstone was obviously shot by Maggie.
November 3rd, 2009 at 12:11 am
The one and only Gladstone, ladies and gents! Great job!
(Cody, seriously!)
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:49 pm
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
Everybody just suck a truck, I think this site is funny as hell and I don’t care who knows it. All of the columnists are funny, I don’t find Cody really funny, but that’s just cause it’s not my kind of humor, I think it’s good to have different styles of stuff here. so STFU. All of you. I’m going to go masturbate now.
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 pm
I liked this. Despite the fact that now, Kafka is forever linked in my mind with the phrase “penis penis boner.” But it was worth it.
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:16 pm
I don’t give a penis-shitting fuck about who shot you, G-Stone mah man. I just want your sardonic humor back.
November 2nd, 2009 at 6:26 pm
Expletive! Expletive, expletive, strangled-shocked-noise, SWEAR WORDS.
This was great. It’s meta-humor at it’s finest, which is actually saying something because meta-humor tends to be hard to pull off in such a short, articular (it is too a word, shut up) medium.
I tip my imaginary had off to you, Gladstone. You never disappoint.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Jebus why does this seem sane to me? It’s like looking into a mirror of perfect calm. Looking forward to Cody’s articles. Have a wonderful day.
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
Amazing, cant wait for HBN!
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:11 pm
“has anyone actually read anything by Franz Kafka?”
Only “The Trial”, which was never actually finished. But that was really good - i keep meaning to read some of his other works, but never get round to it.
Also - Yaaay! HBN’s coming back!
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I think two of the columnists should develop a rivalry, then we in the comments can all take sides. I would support Gladstone against most of them, apart from Chris Bucholz because Chris Bucholz is even more ignored and unloved than Gladstone.
Also, has anyone actually read anything by Franz Kafka? For all I know, Franz Kafka’s style could actually just be him going “penis penis boner I’m a cockroach penis penis boner COCK-roach. Get it? Penis penis boner” and Gladstone wrote this in his normal style.
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:51 pm
I also love how the return of Gladstone’s writing led some of the people whom I haven’t heard from in a while to comment.
J-Pappi’s comment was painful but enjoyable.
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Wonderful.
November 2nd, 2009 at 1:49 pm
Definitely one of G-stone’s best pieces yet.
I hope the follow-up doesn’t disappoint.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Damn you, Gladstone. Why do you make me think? I was sure that once I got out of college I wouldn’t have to do that again.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:31 am
Fricken BONER ALERT!!! http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1292175/
OK… off to throw another one into…what’s her name in my bed?!
XO!
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:21 am
Got to be one of my favourite columns, I didn’t find it quite as laugh-out-loud (hmm.. if only there was an acronym for that) funny as some others, but it’s definitely one of the best.
November 2nd, 2009 at 10:20 am
This is like the 8th time I’ve tooled on myself and my buds here at Cracked. Why did this one, with esoteric references and low view count generate more controversy? i’ll never understand the web. (or true love)
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:58 am
Mr. Gladstone/Swaim,
Never stop demonstrating that brilliance of yours. This was great stuff, as usual.
Alas, I cannot help but think that your attempts at jabs towards your fellow Cracked bloggers are somewhat halfhearted. You’ve already established yourself as too nice of a guy to make that believable. You are going to need a total image makeover before I’m willing to buy that one.
You have to learn to hate yourself before you can learn to hate others. Or something like that.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:58 am
Too bad Swaim didn’t jump off a bridge into the Vltava river.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:43 am
I read The Metamorphosis once. And it sucked. Hard.
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:39 am
[...] !reading http://www.cracked.com/blog/?p=13173 [...]
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:39 am
Finally Gladstone is coming back! I loved everything about this article from the Kafka references to making fun of your co-workers and yourself, every part. And I am so excited that HBN is finally returning. You made my day a little happier G-stone.
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:53 am
*raises hand*
November 2nd, 2009 at 8:51 am
Wow, that was fantastic. I’ve missed your columns, Gladstone (I still love HBN, but you’ve got great writing style)!
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:50 am
Wow, too much culture for Cracked. You seriously think these people are familiar with Kafka?
November 2nd, 2009 at 7:49 am
Best article ever. Period! I always knew that android in the videos was too witty to be real.
November 2nd, 2009 at 5:17 am
This was absolutely dongtacular. Brilliant work, Mr Gladstone!
November 2nd, 2009 at 4:37 am
First comment for me as well, enjoyed this rather a lot to be honest, nicely done
November 2nd, 2009 at 2:05 am
wow, you´re TRYING very excessively. SOOOO QUIRKY. give it up. just go get laid, d o´tryin.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:32 am
Gladstone, Samsa, it’s all the same to me.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:39 pm
I have never before posted a response to any Cracked article/story/post. Not to say that I don’t enjoy all of them, I mean, who doesn’t laugh at DOB’s satire? I’m just not a comment leaving kind of guy. But I must say, this is quite possibly one of the greatest things I’ve read on Cracked.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I enjoyed the article. I also loved the comments from the readers who love to flay around ‘pretentious’ like it is a sword that will protect them from their inadequacies or their … “Penis, penis, boner”
November 1st, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Oh Beezy, you’re the beeziest.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:59 pm
Wow, someone referencing Kafka whose has actually read him. Good work.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:42 pm
I was pleasantly entertained by this column, Gladstone. That said, the irony of you claiming that Swaim steals your humor while you simultaneously steal DOB’s/Brockway’s narrative-style comedy using characters from the Cracked offices was just too much for me.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:16 pm
Hate By Numbers returning in November? Guess I should just skip this month.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:11 pm
I also love how you prowl the comment sections.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:06 pm
Loved it! Good to see you back Gladstone. Any article involving the cracked office is great, but this was excellant. Hmm, and you answered my question about where Bucholz has been.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:03 pm
Gladstone… writing?
HOW STRANGE!!!
November 1st, 2009 at 7:51 pm
This was awesome. By far my favourite article on this site. Mr Kafka would be proud, Mr Gladstone.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:49 pm
trippy…
November 1st, 2009 at 7:38 pm
All I have to say is “penis, penis, boner.”
November 1st, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Cody Bled. Superb Article.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:30 pm
On a note completely unrelated to the article, I love your voice, Gladstone. It makes me want to agree with whatever you say.
( o 0 )
>
~
Please don’t use your power for evil.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:27 pm
*shakes head admiringly*
Only you, Gladstone. Only you would think of that.
Wow. No wonder so many people are almost at the point of fan-worship. I think I saw someone get a tatoo of your face yesterday at the tatoo parlor. You could start your own cult.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:19 pm
loved it all the way
November 1st, 2009 at 6:18 pm
okay
November 1st, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Not sure ‘dictate’ means what you think it means.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:17 pm
fantastic
November 1st, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Awesome stuff, im not usually a fan of Gladstone but this is one of the best story articles i have seen on this site in a while that wasn’t written by DOB
November 1st, 2009 at 4:36 pm
Awesome article i love the ones featuring other writers
November 1st, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I actually liked it. It’s actually Cody like (and that’s a great thing) in that it’s so UN-like anything I would expect to see on Cracked. I will not let ANYBODY say any shit about Seanbaby though.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:26 pm
Good article, really liking the stuff on the site since I’ve found the site a bit back. Been reading Seanbaby’s stuff a while, though.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:20 pm
I think this article is supposed to shut up the people who continuously and annoyingly compare Gladstone with Swaim, without even thinking that these men are co-workers (probably even friends who lol’d at this very article) therefore not worth comparing.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:11 pm
It should be noted, that I’ve been tooling on ALL the cracked bloggers since that Amy Winehouse video i did almost two years ago. It should also be noted that I speak often and have even collaborated with the cracked bloggers. (repeatedly) Please also note that I’m pretty sure I took it the worst in this article. For the commenter who wanted more Kafka allusions: last sentence was an allusion to the Castle. But more than that, the Gladstone personna is pretty close to that of Joseph K in The Trial. I portray myself as arrogant, insecure, self centered, and not particularly funny, so y’know. I dont think anyone should be crying for anyone.
Anyway, like i said, this is the cracked piece i’m proudest of and i’m grateful to Cracked for letting it have a place here.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
I liked it.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:51 pm
saying this is lame with just make him feel appreciated, but: lame. lame lame lame. lame. lame and pretentious. and lame - and yes, like a whole bunch of people here, i have read kafka.
seriously, i want to make it clear that this isnt “stfu u suck cock” criticism — this article genuinely was as lame as hell. not, “the shittest shit hing i’ve ever read” or anything like that, just…lame. depressingly lame.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Gladstone is the best thing on Cracked. End of story. I’m all for juvenile humor and dick refferences, but nothing beats a man who has a brain… unless it’s stolen from a retarded man’s corpse and used as a melee weapon… then the outcome is anyone’s guess. Too many variables there for me to count.
But Gladstone has his own brain and it’s a damn good one. I enjoyed watching it splattered all over the bar, but I’ll enjoy seeing his recovery this November even more.
BTW- It was all a dream. We will catch up to him in the shower this season, laughing it all off. Or was that Dallas? Damn, I’m old.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I kind of want to tell you I love you.
Kinda.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:04 pm
These “Day in the Cracked Offices” articles are great. Great job Gladstone, can’t wait for Hate By Numbers to come back.
P.S. Penis, Penis, Boner.
November 1st, 2009 at 3:02 pm
I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again. Cody is an ok writer, and everyone blasting on him now will grow to accept his style of writing sooner or later. Who else remembers when seanbaby was new, and nobody thought he was funny? Before you know it, you’ll be laughing at Cody’s articles just like you do everyone else’s.
November 1st, 2009 at 2:42 pm
I want to have “Penis, penis, boner” put on my tombstone.
Now I almost wish I had a terminal illness so I could make that happen.
November 1st, 2009 at 2:33 pm
I loved the part where Cody bleeds!
November 1st, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Thank you. Finally, something actually funny on cracked. this cody dude and seanbaby shit is really starting to annoy me.
November 1st, 2009 at 2:08 pm
Hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, this was fantastilc.
And l don’t think he’s literally being jealous or such, he’s maklng fun of the idea of himself being jealous and such. Yeesh. These guys always write articles mocking and poking at each other. And this one was undoubtedly one of the most creative. Byoo-tee-fullll.
November 1st, 2009 at 1:57 pm
“I will not defy readers’ expectations. I will not defy readers’ expectations.”
Damn straight. Learn your lesson, Cody. Be more funny and a lot less unfunny.
“Besides, the guy’s voice was really annoying.”
Very true.
@Originaldavid: Don’t you post under a different name as well? I think it’s Pizzacat or something. Either way, those of us who are “unwashed philistines” would like to say “Go fuck yourself” Thank you and have a nice day, elitist prick.
November 1st, 2009 at 1:50 pm
I dunno gladstone, youre good, but i dont think you will ever be better than Micheal.
November 1st, 2009 at 1:09 pm
It’s probably because I pretty much read through all of Kafka’s works when I was in high school (some kids listened to emo rock, I read existentialist literature), but I really thoroughly enjoyed this.
November 1st, 2009 at 1:02 pm
That was a wild ride full of penises and boners.
November 1st, 2009 at 12:54 pm
@Originaldavid
I couldn’t agree with you more. Everything you say is what I think aloud when I read the comment boards on the new guy’s and this guy’s stuff. Also, boner cocktail.
November 1st, 2009 at 12:36 pm
Like a dog!
November 1st, 2009 at 12:33 pm
It’s really good to see Kafka finally cranking out new stuff.
November 1st, 2009 at 12:30 pm
penis penis boner
November 1st, 2009 at 12:26 pm
This is like Kafka, Fight Club, and all of Cracked’s bloggers (minus Cody) had an orgy and all the smegma and bodily fluids transformed into a column of awesomeness and orgasm.
November 1st, 2009 at 12:22 pm
I’m fond of his articles and videos, but just because I have a bias towards how goddamned funny the articles at the Cracked HQ can be, I enjoy these more.
You guys really need to write more of this stuff.
November 1st, 2009 at 12:08 pm
Hey sorta curious, when has Swaim stolen Gladstone’s jokes. That just doesn’t seem likely to be true: their jokes and material is so different
November 1st, 2009 at 12:02 pm
“ur writing is way funnier than HBN, just my opinion but id rather see more of this than season 3 of HBN”–
I completely agree with this guy. You kinda suck at being John Stewart, but ur pretty good at being a pissed off witty English teacher bitching about his coworkers (which is what you came off as in this piece).
November 1st, 2009 at 11:46 am
@ OriginalDavid - Hear motherfucking hear.
November 1st, 2009 at 11:41 am
I must say, I prefer Gladstone’s articles to his videos. This was hilarious.
November 1st, 2009 at 11:38 am
also, seanbaby is funny as fuck
November 1st, 2009 at 11:35 am
i get so tired of saying this, but most of crackeds readership are unwashed philistines incapable of subtlety.
gladstone is funny as fuck. cody is funny as fuck. swaim and DOB and brockway and bucholtz and all those bastards are really really funny.
none of them are the same though. its called variety, and if you dont like it, go to comedy.com and wade through badly formed pedophile jokes and rehashes of ebaums posts.
November 1st, 2009 at 11:33 am
Eh, I normally like your work G-stone but I didn’t like this one. I’m psyched for the return of HBN though.
November 1st, 2009 at 11:28 am
And, naturally, there are harshly insulting comments on your work.
That’s how you know that this is truly happening, and not a mere feverish dream. Thank you, cock-sucking fuck bags.
I can not say anything negative against Swaim, as I think his work is hilarious, but it saddens me a bit to realize that the popularity feuds that I imagined might exist actually do. Psychological insecurities are a dangerous and painful thing, but often fuel one’s best work. But I view your creative output as an entirely different animal than Swaim’s - much more intellectually clever and introspectively humorous.
I sincerely hope that this does not mark an impending end to your work at cracked.
And I’m glad another columnists recognizes, acknowledges, and from what I can tell, comiserates with Cody’s plight.
November 1st, 2009 at 11:09 am
This was an excellent article. Seriously, some of the best work of yours that I have consumed. Personally I think you should write columns more often.
And I took your take on Cody as a defense, not an insult, as apparently some of the other readers have interpreted it. It seems that all columnists must undergo a trial by fire before earning the fans’ appreciation and respect.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:02 am
“You must be Cody, the new guy”
Great stuff.
November 1st, 2009 at 10:00 am
Stop beating around the bush. NEED MORE HBN VIDZ! Please don’t make me kill this kitten.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:53 am
So, I got the references to The Metamorphosis, The Trial and In the Penal Colony (all the massively obvious ones).
What others were there?
I’d like to think that if G-Stone is a big a fan of Kafka as he makes out there’d be a load more.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:45 am
I feel like you really put a lot of effort into this article. The clever allusions are well executed, but the comedy is not. Assless chaps? Is that a punchline from Family Matters? Also, I know you were poking at your colleagues in good fun, but based on this and past articles, your jealousy of DOB’s infamy, and SWAIM’s more popular (and funnier) video series is very apparent.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:42 am
Oh Gladstone, you never disappoint. I love the pieces where all the writers are included, it’s always hilarious. Have you ever considered just a huge Cracked orgy? It would be sexy and funny at the same time. Not that it already isn’t, of course.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:41 am
Wow, only two comments blasting on Cody? Come on Unjustified Haters, you need to pick it up a little bit. I don’t think anyone in Africa knows the important fact of how much you hate Cody. I suggest going Con-Air style and throwing yourself from a plane with “I hate Cody, like, a fuck-ton of a lot” scrawled across your chest.
November 1st, 2009 at 9:13 am
This was great! I feel like there’s a lot of Cracked behind-the-scenes inside jokes that I’m not getting, but it was an amazing satire of all the Cracked columnists plus Kafka.
And now I finally know definitively what S.W.A.I.M. stands for–
November 1st, 2009 at 8:37 am
Personally I’d take Hate By Number any day over Swaim’s excuse for a show. Yours is a lot funnier and more clever than his. I especially liked the Cody part. That’ll teach him to what to write. I also enjoyed DOB’s part. The 1-5 ratio is too true for him.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:10 am
Can someone make Cody go away please?
November 1st, 2009 at 8:03 am
One of the better articles I’ve read in awhile
Nice job Gladstone.
November 1st, 2009 at 8:02 am
Well done, Gladstone, though I think you owe Kafka a czech.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:56 am
Very funny, as always. I’ve always been a fan of the longer, more literary articles. Although I definitely enjoy the lists, too.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:55 am
ur writing is way funnier than HBN, just my opinion but id rather see more of this than season 3 of HBN
November 1st, 2009 at 7:49 am
I enjoyed this. The Cody bit was funny. And the DOB bit. Most bits were funny, actually. That is all.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:42 am
Please don’t say this actually means Gladstone’s column is being dropped though…
November 1st, 2009 at 7:40 am
^_^
November 1st, 2009 at 7:39 am
This was indeed a great article - kudos Gladstone.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:38 am
Great ending. Can’t wait for the return of HBNs.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:33 am
Great job, I haven’t read it yet, but judging by the replies, it’s good.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:14 am
I really enjoyed this article. Well written sir.
November 1st, 2009 at 7:11 am
Hahaha, brilliant - I’d never have expected that kind of column to actually be possible.
Yours and Swaim’s are the only videos I actually watch on Cracked, but your columns are also very nice - keep up the good work!
November 1st, 2009 at 7:11 am
g-stone writes moar funee! yayz!
November 1st, 2009 at 6:49 am
Awesome article. Your writing is so much sweeter when you make us go without it for such long periods.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:48 am
Literary genius
November 1st, 2009 at 6:45 am
Wow, literary references Gladstone! Thin air and high towers!
Nicely done though. Don’t expect any gratitude from the proles.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:41 am
TL;DR
November 1st, 2009 at 6:38 am
wow mitchell is a tool
November 1st, 2009 at 6:35 am
I wanted to thank Jack O’Brien and the good folks at Cracked for running this. It’s my favorite column. I don’t expect everyone to like it, but combining low brow and high browed Cracked Office/Kafka tropes was a lot of fun. As was making fun of all my peers and, of course, most of all, myself. Thanks.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:10 am
bravo!!!!
November 1st, 2009 at 6:07 am
Mediocre to decent article.
But the ending sucked.
November 1st, 2009 at 6:02 am
When I read the title I thought: Damn… they really did it. They traded in that hack Cody for Gladstone. I was already in gears to release the fury in capslock but then, thank god, The 16th of November comment came up and I let out my anger with a huge sigh…
November 1st, 2009 at 6:00 am
Bwuahahahahaahah. You’ve won me over, man. Never really rated you before this. Bravo
November 1st, 2009 at 5:50 am
Fight Club reference, love it!
November 1st, 2009 at 5:46 am
thanks tortoise boy. But I was really hoping for “joseph k alllusion FAIL.” That or “Simpsons did it”
November 1st, 2009 at 5:46 am
The titular lofty comparison between this prose and Kafka’s is a regrettable decision bound to disappoint all readers familiar with Kafka. Likening this piece to Kafka’s work is like comparing one’s penis to that of some superhero whose power is his extraordinarily robust and mighty wang. What I am saying is that your article’s theme is a disaster. Do not despair, though, Gladstone, every article is a clean slate. Also, do not ever compare your work to Franz Kafka’s ever again, even if you are attempting to parody said work, which is another endeavor that I also recommend you never undertake to do again. For the children’s sake.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:37 am
meh
November 1st, 2009 at 5:33 am
Whooooo, Spring Break
November 1st, 2009 at 5:30 am
greengoddess:
Gladstone actually sent me a pretty cool email explaining his concept for this piece. I retract my negativity.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:19 am
I liked the Kafka voice. Why so upset colatf? Have some coffee and a spliff. Maybe browse around some articles for a while. It’s a comedy site for chrissake.
And of course Cracked regulars already know my suggestion for how to handle the whole Gladstone/Swaim situation: SHIRTLESS BLOGGING!!!
November 1st, 2009 at 5:00 am
You are copying the style of so many other Cracked.com bloggers. You’re better than this. And you, sir, are no Kafka.
November 1st, 2009 at 5:00 am
Awesome =D
November 1st, 2009 at 4:57 am
excellent. just excellent.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:54 am
Good article; I always knew Swaim was some sort of Gladstone’s alter ego…ha ha ha
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November 1st, 2009 at 4:38 am
made me lol.
but i really don’t see anything in common with swaim’s and gladstone’s videos, except that their numbers based which, really, is more a cracked thing in general
November 1st, 2009 at 4:32 am
Agreed, that was an awesome column.
November 1st, 2009 at 4:15 am
Good stuff.