Cracked Columnists
4 Words That Someone Should Have Invented by Now
Every once in a while, I have to explain a situation in a full sentence, because one word to represent that situation doesn't exist. And I hate doing that, because I am a whirling, spinning, terrifying, motherfucking HURRICANE of efficiency.
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- By Daniel O'Brien
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0 4 Memos from the Most Bafflingly Evil Movie Corporation
The Umbrella Corporation is the most stupidly evil corporation in history.
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- By Luke McKinney
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The Most Baffling Subtitles in Foreign Action Movie History
When I got into foreign action movies as a kid in the '90s, subtitling was a job we gave to alcoholic head trauma victims to make them feel useful to society again. Those jobs, like many, have since moved online.
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- By Robert Brockway
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7 Celebrity Animals: Where Are They Now? (A Drunk Column)
There's a good chance this will end with me throwing up on the carpet. So let's get started!
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- By Soren Bowie
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4 Reasons to Not Take Embarrassing Pictures of Your Friends
It's not just Prince Harry or Michael Phelps. I've even seen this in person with my friends, on evenings when we've gathered for one of our regular naked drug roundtables.
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- By Chris Bucholz
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4 Horror Movie Villains That Aren't Scaring Us Anymore
I write screenplays that feature none of this crap, so it can be done! Please buy my screenplay. Or just don't make these movies. Whatevs.
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- By Ian Fortey
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6 True Stories That Will Restore Your Faith in Humanity
While the headlines are dominated by our weekly mass shootings, the reality is that day to day, we common folk make little sacrifices for each other and let insults slide and feel bad when we act like douchebags.
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- By Jason Pargin
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4 Common Music Arguments and What They Really Mean
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- By Adam Tod Brown
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5 Signs the Townspeople Are About to Turn on You
Experienced travelers all agree that one of the hardest and least rewarding of these cultural obstacles is the experience of arriving in a new town and discovering that everyone there is going to try and murder you.
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- By Chris Bucholz
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15 Old Photographs That Prove the World Used to Be Insane
From those bullshit seatbelt laws to Big Kindergarten trying to tell you which preschools you can and can't take your gun into, it seems like today's nanny nation is intent on making our lives as safe as possible at the expense of any and all excitement. That's not how it used to be, though.
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- By Robert Brockway
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4 Hiking Guides That Are Honest About Why People Go Hiking
If the explorers who pen these guides, and whose careers I've surely saved, wanted to name a snow-capped mountain after me, I certainly couldn't stop them.
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- By Soren Bowie
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6 Things People Get Way Too Worked Up About
Everybody enjoys the guilty pleasure of going on a self-righteous rant every once in a while like an Aaron Sorkin character or something, whether it's about the way politics and the media are these days, or more everyday things like people with more than 15 items in the express lane.
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- By Christina H
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The 4 Creepiest Ways We'll Inevitably Use Robot Servants
What kind of lives are there for our robots? Abject servitude and eventual genocide? Oh no. Humanity isn't going to let that happen. We have other ideas and, inevitably, human nature will take these robot slaves down some darker paths.
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- By Ian Fortey
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3 Kinds of People That Need to Go Away
A sadness comes from knowing that people like this will always exist, and even if you beat them to death whack-a-mole style with your hammer of justice, more will merely rise up to take their place.
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- By Gladstone
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The 5 Most Bafflingly Racist Shows on TV Right Now
It's hard to believe in this day, but you can actually find shows creeping around that seem to not just exist in a vacuum, but revel in just how intolerant or ignorant of race they are.
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- By Ian Fortey
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