Cracked Columnists
Who Killed Ian Fortey? A Roshomon Style Murder Mystery
At 12:13 am, Eastern Standard Time, Cracked columnist Ian Fortey died. His column, Fortey Days and Fortey Nights, died with him. They were murdered. Murdered to death. By murder!
- Authors
- By Ian Fortey
- Published
- Comments
-
0
0 American as #$%# Comics: The Immigration Debate
Immigration reform is a delicate subject. Unfortunately, Man Comics' idea of delicate is screaming that your mother is pretty while it drives over her with its dick truck.
- Authors
- By Seanbaby
- Published
- Comments
- 0
5 Lovable Animals You Didn't Know Are Secretly Terrifying
Here are a bunch of adorable animals that will probably nonetheless scar you for life. Let's skip the pleasantries and get right down to hyperventilating and swearing at nature, shall we?
- Authors
- By Robert Brockway
- Published
- Comments
- 0
My Experience on a Desert Island: Things 'Lost' Got Wrong
So by now 'Lost' has ended, and we've found out the truth behind the island, which was actually a Home Depot Garden Center, and that the whole story never actually happened and was merely the fever dream of a dying syphilitic prostitute who was herself living in a computer simulation powered by children's imagination that was sent back in time
- Authors
- By Chris Bucholz
- Published
- Comments
- 0
5 Childhood Heroes from the 80s That Let Me Down
I figured I owed it to myself and all the disenfranchised youths of the world who grew up to learn that they could never become a member of GI Joe no matter how hard they tried to teach those bastards a lesson.
- Authors
- By Ian Fortey
- Published
- Comments
- 0
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!
John Mayer: Fine Musician, Biggest Jerk on Tumblr
Pretty soon I started calling him \'J. May\' in every single one of my posts, just to give him the sense that I didn\'t actually hate him. It\'s a playful enough nickname, and many of his fans use it in reference to him (one would assume). Unfortunately, all of his posts used phrases like \'The Beautiful Orange Mist Of Thoughts And Ideas,\' and I
- Authors
- By Cody Johnston
- Published
- Comments
- 0
23 Awesome Food Ideas For Your LOST Finale Party
Liven up your party with John Lox or some Walted Milk Balls!
- Authors
- By Cody Johnston
- Published
- Comments
- 0
8 (Terrible) Ideas for Shows to Replace 'Lost'
Lost (In Space): On a Boat!
- Authors
- By Daniel O'Brien
- Published
- Comments
- 0
4 Unintentionally Depressing Self Help Books on Happiness
What are the secrets to happiness? How about the secrets to love? I’ve researched this for years in the fruitiest and lamest corners of countless bookstores, and while I may not know what the secrets to love and happiness are yet, these four books sure as hell showed me 2569 things that aren’t.
- Authors
- By Seanbaby
- Published
- Comments
- 0
For Dio: The Only Appropriate Tribute
Dio taught me, in part, what it is to be a man. Oh, he did not teach the rational lessons: He did not teach me morality, or responsibility, or restraint. No, Dio taught me that being a man means sometimes ruining things in the most extravagant fashion possible.
- Authors
- By Robert Brockway
- Published
- Comments
- 0
Tales To Tell 'Round Midnight: Be Careful What Wishes Are Like
- Authors
- By Cody Johnston
- Published
- Comments
- 0
10 Survival Tips Now That Google Knows You're On To Them
Now that we\'ve sounded the \'Oh shit, run!!!\' alarm, allow us to tell you where you should be running, and what ammunition will be deemed fashionable once you arrive.
- Authors
- By Chris Bucholz
- Published
- Comments
- 0
3 Psychic Hotlines Put to the 'Ghostbusters' Test
Like you, I want to have advanced knowledge of future events that I can exploit to enrich myself financially, sexually or nutritionally (If I can get a heads up on where to find a McRib, I am on that mother).
- Authors
- By Ian Fortey
- Published
- Comments
- 0
5 Things From the 90s That Might (As Well) Come Back
With two of Gladstone\'s favorite bands reuniting, he looks at other trends from his salad days that might be making a comeback.
- Authors
- By Gladstone
- Published
- Comments
- 0
My Brief Time As Iron Man's Sidekick
DOB: I think it makes about as much sense as forty million people showing up for a God damned science convention.
- Authors
- By Daniel O'Brien
- Published
- Comments
- 0
