Cracked Columnists
I Want to Put My Book Inside You: A Message to New Kindles
Go ahead and get lost while your Kindle and I chat. I just want to talk some business.
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- By Daniel O'Brien
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0 The 8 G.I. Joes Most Frequently Left In the Box
Before the cartoon, there was only one G.I. Joe. That was his name. His first name was G.I., his last name was Joe, and his middle name was Fuck You for Asking, Commie.
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- By Robert Brockway
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6 Adult Movie Titles Altered to Be Oscar Contenders
Strep Throat: One woman uses her throat to tell people to stop being pussies.
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- By Soren Bowie
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Frosty the Snowman Declares War on The War on Christmas
Buck Rogers and Flash Gordon have shown us that whenever there's a ridiculous war in the future, a brave hero from Earth's present travels there to win it. I thought that I could apply this scientific process to help win a ridiculous war raging today: The War on Christmas.
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- By Seanbaby
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6 Near Death Experiences Caught on Video
Holy shit why were you still holding the camera?
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- By Robert Brockway
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11 Steps To Crashing a Royal Wedding
More advanced royal watchers are instead busy exchanging plans for how to score an invitation to this rare event.
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- By Chris Bucholz
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The Best Goddamn Christmas Letter You Ever Got
As I do ever year, let me start by saying, you're welcome. You have no doubt received my final edits on your own Christmas letters in the mail by this point. I will say that on the whole, I found them as endearing as they were littered with cliches and errors.
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- By Soren Bowie
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My Brief Time As Rudolph's Best Friend
Freak nose. You have a freak nose. It's not a normal nose, it's a freak nose. I'm Daniel. Your nose is wrong. Your whole face. You were poorly designed.
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- By Daniel O'Brien
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The 4 Most Irresponsible Sex Advice Books of All Time
On Halloween, G.O.D.E.K. doesn't give out candy-- he gives children tips on keeping their marriage spontaneous with heart balloons and back massage coupons. And speaking of children, the following four books were printed on their flattened and dried remains:
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- By Seanbaby
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What's Really Delaying Spielberg's Tin Tin Movie? Racism
No, those comic panels are not Photoshopped. That's all Unmodified, Grade-A, Original Racism on display up there.
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- By Robert Brockway
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Exploring the Internet in 11 Days: An Epic Online Odyssey
I dug deeper, stayed up entire nights, and spilled a warm combination of Dr. Pepper and bravery across my keyboard.
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- By Soren Bowie
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The 10 Most Irreplaceable Performances in Comedy Films
Sometimes a comedy role is such a perfect combination of casting and performance that it's unthinkable for another actor to ever attempt it. Here are the top ten roles that could never have been and never will be replaced.
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- By Seanbaby
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If The Characters from 'Street Fighter 2' Got Hammered
Street Fighter 2 Drunk for Pants.
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- By Robert Brockway
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The Terrifying Next Step in Xbox Kinect Evolution
I left the police station in a cold sweat, and hitchhiked out to the country, where I remain to this day, standing in the middle of an empty field, swinging a huge stick at anything that moves. I know what no man should: My Xbox has become self-aware.
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- By Chris Bucholz
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The 6 Creepiest Services For Mourning a Dead Pet
There's a lot of absurd money to be made off of pet loss.
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- By Soren Bowie
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