Cracked Columnists
The 10 Most Butt References Per Second in Music History
Rule number 3: Always brake for monster booty.
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- By Seanbaby
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0 Explaining 2009 to the Future
One quick look at Twitter\'s trending topics could tell you what\'s going on in the world as it happens. Want to find out what celebrity is dead? Check trending topics. [Note: Twitter more often than not inaccurately reported the death of celebrities, so you had to take it all with a grain of retarded.]
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- By Daniel O'Brien
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The 7 Most Baffling Moments in the Star Wars Holiday Special
The Star Wars Holiday Special was broadcast on TV in 1978 as a fine-print stipulation to the fiddle contest that George Lucas lost to the devil.
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- By Seanbaby
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How to Get your Screenplay Read (Through Physical Violence)
BAM! Greenlit again! You just got a sequel and I don\'t even care if you make it. Oh my god, this cocaine is fucking religious, Geoff. I feel like a monster.
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- By Robert Brockway
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A (Break Up) Letter to Santa
Goodbye, Santa. I will never stop believing in you. -Chris Bucholz
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- By Chris Bucholz
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The New Avatar/McDonald's Tie-In Will Change Fast Food Forever
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- By Cody Johnston
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The Night Before Christmas 09: Rated R for Language, Elf Sex
Santa learns an important lesson about children. Specifically: \'They\'re selfish and whiney and crappy at sports, They\'re stupid and slow and fat and short./ They\'re loud, they\'re lazy, and most don\'t have tits. Bottom line, Santa: Children are shit.\'
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- By Daniel O'Brien
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A Detective Yarn So Clever It Makes Angela Lansbury Look Like A God Damn Mongoloid
\'Do you have a boner?\' Michelle protested, like she\'d never seen one before. A girl like that, she\'d probably seen more boners than the second season of \'Growing Pains.\'
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- By Robert Brockway
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When Scrapbookers Attack
Scrapbookers can squeeze an entire 3-hour karate recital into one page of photos and clip art. With that level of organizational skill, putting together a letter-writing campaign is nothing. They came at us. It was an onslaught. The wave of email hate... I\'d never seen anything like it before, and I\'ve been a dick on the Internet since 1997.
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- By Seanbaby
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Tiger Woods' Nobel Prize Taken Back
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- By Cody Johnston
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6 Terrible Names People Are Trying to Give This Decade
There are a little less than three weeks left in this decade, the so far awesomest decade of the 21st century. But bizarrely, no one seems to have settled on a name for it yet. A handful of contenders have vied for the honor, all of which, I can calmly state, are 10 times worse than a turd burrito.
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- By Chris Bucholz
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Tales To Tell 'Round Midnight: The Bloody Kid
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- By Cody Johnston
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Jersey Shore: Worst Thing to Happen to East Coast Since 9/11
It\'s exactly like the Corleone family, except everyone is Fredo.
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- By Daniel O'Brien
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7 Super Powers That Steven Seagal Actually Believes He Has
The line between fantasy and reality has been put in a wrist lock and ripped out of its socket. There is now a reality show about Steven Seagal being an actual policeman.
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- By Seanbaby
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5 Reasons Die Hard Is The Best Christmas Movie Ever Made
It still counts as 'heart-warming' if it rips your heart out of your chest and lights it on fire.
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- By Robert Brockway
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